Eden Legacy

I am in love with this book! You are a talented writer that has once again used your vivid imagination to create world that is so utterly believable and yet simultaneously fantastical!
From the beginning with the garden and its placement near the rivers of Pishon, Gihon, Tigris, and Euphrates, the reader is drawn into the world that the author has created. This is not unlike the styling of C.S. Lewis! The characters are fresh and vibrant. The story is epic and timeless taking place when kings and queens, princes and princess held court with noble knights and awe inspiring dragons.
The dragon’s character is both frightening and beautiful at the same time, drawing you in so that you want to read every word that he utters. Alexander’s voice and demeanor are right in line with his character. With just the right amount of honor as he strives to protect the girl yet fierceness as he stands up to the knights taking the offensive. There is an underlying gentleness in his tone also.
Princess Lilya is a princess among princesses. She exhibits the expected grace and nobility for her position. Yet the reader is not left clueless to the fire and thirst for adventure that sparks right beneath the surface of her princess-like demeanor.
This is an epic, fantasy tale that will hit home with all YA readers, and when the last page is reached, leave them with a thirst looking for more of Scott J. Toney’s writings!

I have only praise and well wishes for this up and coming, very talented author!

Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

I've read the first two chapters and must say that you've hooked with the descriptive imagery from the opening paragraph. I'm big into details, so phrases such as: "...the hair of coal' and "leather boots sank into the swamp-like mud" keep me wanting more. The elements of mystery, action, and adventure are also intriguing. I found perfect pacing in Chapter 2 as the intense action unfolded. I think you have a very well-written, powerful story here. I'm looking forward to reading more!

~Faith Rose
Now to Him

OK, I think this is the best writing I have seen on this site. If you're not published, you should be.
One word: flawless.

I'm back for Chapter 5.

Nits - "It's as if you have more excitement THAN (you have THEN) I".

"Thomas slowly rose to his feet" is better than "To his feet Thomas slowly rose ..."

The descriptions still amaze. I felt as if I were onboard a ship. The battle scene was believable and the serpent under the bow sent shivers down my back. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

This is my favorite of your books. I just love adventures like these with a message so deep.
God has given you a great talent to write.
Keep pressing on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Back for Chapter 4. I don't like Dora. She is obviously up to no good. I like that Thomas rejected her idea that he could rule eternally, but I suspect that will be harder to resist than he realizes.

Your descriptions are amazing. As a Christian, I like that you as a Christian writer do not avoid the subject of sex -- both in the rape of Lilya and in Thomas' desire for a wife. I really couldn't find anything wrong with Chapter 4. Maybe a little too much preplanning of the journey, but it's done well, so I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel for critique.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Scott, Chapter 3 continues to impress. The description of the dragon flight was exquisite. The one issue I had was them talking when in flight. You were so precise in Chapter 2, showing Lilya willing to fight for herself, but also struggling to lift the sword. Very true-to-life with women not having the upper body strength of men. So, I'm guessing you'll want to reconcile this. Flying outside without a cockpit is NOISY. I've done some hang-gliding and it is possible to converse, but you have to shout.

Alexander is wonderful! I loved the description of his scales! And he is so gentlemanly. I could see Lilya falling in love with him. Talk about star-crossed lovers! I will be back for more.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Hey, Scott, I'm checking out Eden Legacy and thoroughly enjoying it. Clearly, there's a Biblical theme to it with the four rivers and the "forgotten" garden. I've only just read the first two chapters, but will come back for more. Overall, the writing is clean. You need commas seperating pronouns and names from the rest of the sentence. Beyond that, I can't see any nits. I liked and didn't like the way the king of Cush wagered his daughter's body in a game of cards. It shows the evil of which human beings are capable and establishes the black very early on. Good job! I'll be back for more.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

What an incredibly tender moment, forgiving and gracious, to end an otherwise exhilarating chapter 24. Wow. Bautifully written as every one. with powerful visuals, all the senses involved.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Heads rolled. The conflict heated. I heard clashing of steel on steel, and the labored breathing of warriors, and darkening skies...because of powerful writing that involves my entire being. Another fantastic ch 23!
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Interesting development in chapter 22, Scott. I'm sooo enjoying the story...
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Chapter 21 was packed with action :) You amaze the reader with powerful, visual descriptions and what a fantastic imagination! Deformed barbarians! I like how you use language rhythm to increase the tension of the battle scene. Awesome writing, Scott :)
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

"They leave their homes and their people, all they have ever known." Wow, Scott, did this line grab me! This chapter captured my heart with the loneliness of a child and the sustaining force of a mother's charge. Beautiful.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

I read chapter 19 breathlessly. And you left me hanging in suspense. Another great chapter. I thought you masterfully encapsulated the rationalization for our deplorable acts with a purpose that seems good, when in fact neither has merit. Excellent, Scott! I can't wait to see how the characters development continues.
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Ah, it feels so good to be back with Alexander and Lilya. I missed reading the story :) I wish to have a drop of your fascinating imagiation and creativity and expression, such as "Fire licked the walls from sconces as they passed." I love the world you create in this story as well as in The Ark of Humanity. Fantastic!
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Scott, what fascinating developments through chapter 16! I'm loving it! Your writing is so powerful and vivid, I became engrossed into the story as if I was watching a movie :) It's wonderful!
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Scott, this is a masterpiece story, beautifully written. Powerful descriptions. Interesting characters. Intriguing plot. I'm traveling along Lilya and enjoying the adventure. Superb :)
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Scott, a continuing enjoyable read :) I like the unfolding of the story and the suspenseful chapter endings. And you made me chuckle at the king spitting some chew of the locally grown root :)
Donna

This is a fascinating read! You continue to amaze with powerful, visual descriptions. I held my breath through the battle in chapter five. Awesome. Simply awesome writing.
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Scott, this is another amazing piece of writing! With stunning, vivid descriptions you succeeded to create memorable characters and settings. I loved the line "...wih all the tenderness a dragon could muster," and "...she had a dragon as a companion so she'd be alright." Beautiful imagery of the Canyon of Eyes and their flight. I like the increasing tension and suspense that you built within the first couple of chapters. I only had time to read through chapter four, but will continue. I love it!
T. Donna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

If Fantasy is supposed to take the reader to a distant realm and never let them go, this book is the ultimate !

From the first page it grabs you, envelopes you in its crimson wings, takes flight and holds you firmly in its grasp till the very last page ! An excellent read !

Hi Scott, I've read up to chapter 4, and found it to be very readable, enjoyable and the plot seems to be developing well. Not entirely sure (yet) what the Christian message in this novel will be, but I've got a fair way to go (!!).

Hey Scott,

As I said I would definitely read your other books, and I'm so glad I got a chance to begin. Though I only have time to read these first 3 chpts., I am in awe! My emotions ranged from curiosity at what the young King was searching for, to anger at Lilya's dad and the knight, to joy as Alexander slay him and swooshed the princess to safety. What a great fantasy drawn from God's word. I can see a movie! Your writing has smooth flow, great descriptions-not too much or too little, well punctuated, good rhythm. Though I only read a small bit, it is worthy of backing! I look forward to reading more as well as reading Lazarus. Keep up the good work and God bless you.

Monica Pride
Words God Gave Me

Chapters thirty one and thirty two completed and these chapters did not disappoint. The seventh fruit and wrath...very interesting indeed. The cruelty of man can be so overplayed if not written well and I have to say that you did it wonderfully. Thomas...i liked him and now I am against him all the way. Oh have I mentioned that i don't like Dona...yeah I really don't like her much. These two chapters were really good and i regret not being able to get to them sooner. Things have just been so crazy around my end of the woods, but things are settling down so that I can make it back to being a regular.

Cant wait to read more
Dakota

Hi ya Scott

So sorry for my prolonged absence...my finals had me completely weighed down and I had no chance to read anything but a text book. But now I am back and I was not disappointed. Chapters twenty-nine and thirty were great. Lilya is developing into quite the character. Very smart, good hearted, and driven. The plot is thickening and I wonder what is going to happen next. Alexander is still my favorite character, he just makes this so perfect. The relationship he has with Lilya is perfect, written so well and easily believed. Love is a powerful thing and I believe Lilya is understanding, or atleast beginning to, how much that it is needed in the world. I totally cant wait for more and sorry again for not being able to get back to ya.

Have a great day,
Dakota

Scott, I must say when I started reading chapter one I wasn’t sure what to expect. I am usually uneasy reading stories based on Bible events because those who chose that course face two dangers: they can (1.) produce works that are so unoriginal and stale that they are not worth reading or (2.) butcher the theme because of a lack of understanding of the subject. I would say, so far, your book has escaped both of these pitfalls.

I want to point out that you have created an original story and characters with interesting lives. Not much happens in the first chapter and yet as Thomas and his men walk through the woods then set sail, the chapter excites an uneasy feeling from the reader that something ominous is just around the corner. This sentence “Beastly howls came from the shadows and the woods…” gave me the impression that the speaker is foreshadowing dark events to come.

Some of the events in the book are so shocking that your readers are appalled and shocked. A king wagering his daughter, the princess, in a game of cards; the princess, saved from the dark desires of a drunken knight by a gentlemanly dragon, is flown into a lair in the mountain. I kept asking my self the question: “what sort of world has this man created…” and kept reading to find out. I love how the monstrous Alexander, so to speak, is more human than the men of Cush and serves as contrast especially for her father.

Just some things I wish to point out to you, some you might want to ignore; others, you might want to give some consideration to. Pine to the king: “Hurry, Sire!” This is a command. It seemed inappropriate for a subordinate to enjoin his superior. Perhaps, “We must hurry, Sire!” The “we” I believe, makes his words to the king more of a statement of fact while still communicating urgency, at the same time, making it less of a command. But it may be that the king’s relationship with his subject is such that this sort of informality is tolerated.

Another sentence that felt awkward to me is the following: “We should turn back sire,” Juniper spoke to the king…” It seems a little repetitive for the character to refer to “sire” then for you, in the tag, to tell us that he says this to the king. We already know he is speaking to the king. Using “spoke” in the tag seems awkward, too. That fact that he just spoke tells me you don’t need to say he spoke. I know that “said” could seem redundant, too, for the same reason but it is such an accepted tag that when it is not overused it is more acceptable. But your story has life, which is what’s important. Your syntax is lively and interesting. Good job on what promises to be an interesting read.

Best,
Verlandieu

Hi ya Scott

Wow...this just keeps getting better and better. I have to say I really don't trust Dora. What game is she playing at? I need to know. I love how you are using the seven deadly sins as chapter names. I love that! Is it sad I ahve a fascination with the sins. After reading Chapters twenty-seven and twenty-eight I have to say that this is getting so amazingly good. Lilya has quite the job in head of her, she is now taking the stand as a hero. Love it so much!

Sorry that I haven't been about for a while...holiday was crazy, well everything has been crazy. I'm glad I now have the chance to return to this amazing story of Eden Legacy!!!

Can't wait for more and have an amazing day!
Dakota

Hi ya Scott

Emotion is building and tragedy is intertwining. Not only is she dealing with a great loss, Lilya also has to come to the realization that Thomas has changed into what we now-a-days would consider a monster. I don't envy her position, I find myself happy that she has Alexander. I swear if anything happens to him I...I have no idea what I would think. I hope that doesn't happen. But thing are getting even better. I have been waiting all weekend to get to this. I've had this on my mind, wondering what is going to happen next. Attempting to guess was not happening, with your writing I never know what I am in store for. The story is so good. Characters are great, scratch that. Everything is GREAT!!! I can't wait till tomorrow when I get to read even more.

This has been an amazing adventure! I must spread the news!

Hope ya have a great evening
Dakota

Hi ya Scott,

Chapters twenty four and twenty five down. This story is so epic. I love Alexander and Lilya. Things are getting so interesting and it draws me in. This isn't your typical type of story, there is power behind everything. The mystery is building, chaos is erupting and I can only wonder what is going to happen next. Things are leading up to something...I dont know what, but I can't wait to find out.

This is getting really really good. I must sound like a broken record now but it is so good
Dakota

Hi ya Scott

Chapters twenty two and twenty three done and I have to say i really like Carn. I have a thing for the mercenary types and I really am interested to see what part he plays in this story. Will he work for Thomas? Or will he be with Lilya and Alexander? I know I have said it, but I must say it again. I love your story and I am so happy that I found you on Authonomy. This is seriously one of the best stories I have encountered on here and its kinda become my guilty pleasure to read. Instead of doing homework, I skip over everything so I can get ot read this.

Can't wait for the next chapters.
Dakota

Hi ya Scott,

Chapters nineteen, twenty, and twenty one done and wow is all I can see. The change that has ripped through the story is breath taking and rather frightening. Thomas has completely changed and though I saw something coming I didn't think this would be it. I mean...wow the story you are weaving is amazing. I can't believe what is going on and I keep wanting to come back for more. Being almost half way I can say that your story has not disappointed me in the slightest. I can't wait to see what is coming and how thing will turn out. God I love this website, if I hadn't descided to join I would have never gotten the chance to read such an epic tale and actually talk with the mastermind behind it.

Can't wait till tomorrow when i can read even more
Dakota

Chpt 1: Intriguing, but when we step into a new set of mysteries in chpt 2 I'm beginning to want to know something. 
Why is a princess treated this badly and with so little respect? How is he father still king if his family is so abused? Where did the dragon come from? Why does he and he alone care what happens to your princess? You answer some these latter questions in chpt 3, but I'm still left wondering how the dragon has been hidden all this time. 
Your pitch drew me in nicely and I was open to a little opening mystery, but I'm afraid you lost me, not because of your style, but just because even after three chapters I still felt bewildered by the world you were drawing for me.
I think this could be a really good book, but you need to put some more information in a bit earlier, for my taste. 

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hi ya Scott,

Wow, I just finished chapters sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen. Theses chapters had me on the edge, I was pushing myself to read more and more. Things aren't going so well for Princess Lilya, thank god she has Alexander. I love the titles of your chapters. They are so well thought and fit perfectly with the chapter they represent. Change is taking over...Thomas has changed so much. I liked him, but now not so much. I can't wait to see what the next chapters have in store.

Dakota

Hi ya Scott

So I just finished chapters fourteen and fifteen and man is this story getting good. The figs...what are they? What importance do the play in this tale? So many questions I have. I sense change coming...Thomas is dirfting along a river than is taking him to a dark place...I can just feel it. So many things are yet to come and I can only imagine what is on the road ahead.

I find it really sad that people havent taken the time to read as far as I have, they are missing out at such an amazing story. Its keeping me on the edge of my seat, wondering what will happen next. It draws in one's imagination, captivating every thought. The words you use are like poetry, painting a picture unlike any other. More people need to read this.

I can't wait to read more tomorrow,
Dakota

Hi ya Scott,

Well I just finished chapters twelve and thirteen...I must sound like a broken record by now but I absolutely love your book. Honestly more people need to take the time to read through more than just the first few chapters. The plot is thickening and things are starting to reveal themselves. Your characters are written so well...Alexander and Princess Lilya have to be my favorites. I didn't see any mistakes or what not, but the read is just so good. I can't wait to read more

Thanks again for putting this up here and now I need to start sending more people your way. Eden Legacy needs to have more people backing it. Time to spread the news.
Dakota

Interesting idea for a book.
It is so different that it propels the reader to see what is going to happen in the next chapter.There is a lot of imagination in such a book with talking dragon, strange creatures, the underline plot, and characters.

Hi ya Scott,

So I just finished chapters ten and eleven, which I am in love with. You keep making things get better and better. I find it rather assuming how you write your characters, they are so awesome. Can I say I am totally unimpressed with the king, he's someone that I know I could never get along with. Thomas is an interesting character...he has a heart and though people love to use the good king style, you have made it your own. He is something different and I really cant wait to read more.

This just gets better and better,
Dakota

Finished reading 3 and 4. You have a charming way of telling a story. Loved the dragon ride, distressed princess, the whole thing. Cannot say enough about the king and retelling of Genesis. Like you wrote in your story, I always thought it was a fig tree, but have also heard pomengranates. Terrfic job. Highly recommended and would buy. Good luck on authonomy and the world of publication.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Read the first two chapters and will definately stay on my shelf a little bit longer. Very intriguing and unusual story. Like the Garden of Eden tie in with the setting. Your princess is an interesting character as is her father who must not be much of a king. The dragon adds an original, whimsical vibe to the this story, reminding me a little of George RR Martin's Game of Thrones which I am currently reading. Only criticism is the bold-faced words in the 2nd chapter. Not sure what they signify. Outstanding writing and look forward to further commenting.
Dina from Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Chapters seven, eight, and nine done! =)

Scott you don't disappoint. Everything is starting to build. Thomas's proposal and the foreshadowing of Lilya's decision that is going to be made. Oh man you have a way with words. Again, I didn't see any mistakes but I wasn't expecting there to be any. Can I say I love Alexander? You have made him such an interesting character. The Dragon is awesomeness! Lilya is so strong, but she is troubled inside. She is such a believable character, I mean I swear that I have met someone like her before. Then there is Thomas...I'm not sure what to think about him yet. Granted he seems like a very caring and nice guy, but I'm getting a feeling that there is more to him that meets the eye. I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love (pleas insert another million or so loves) Eden Legacy.

Can't wait to read more
Dakota

Wow! I'm totally in love with this!

Scott, this just keeps getting better and better. Man you have a way with words. I've just finished chapters five and six, they just keep beckoning me to go on (which I intend to do). Now you've introduced Thomas more...he seems like a very interesting character to say the least. I'm wanting to know more about the figs. The plot is thickening and I feel myself getting more and more anxious to read what is coming next.

I have to say that college life sometimes sucks! I mean it keeps getting in the way of me reading. I really going to have to change that. I need more, this story is so good.

Thanks again for reading Din, your comments are really helping and Eden Legacy is not disappointing me one bit. I'm so, so, so happy that I started reading this. By the way i found your book on amazon...guess what I'm conning my family into getting me.

This is an amazing story and I love your writing!
Dakota

Beautifully told story. You possess a gift for writing and storytelling.

Exciting, beautiful read. I only had time for three chapters, but will have to come back and read more.
Very best wishes, M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls od Fate

I'm back,

So since I didn't get the chance to read yesterday I read two chapters today. I love Alexander even more than I did in chapter one. He is so well written and honestly I can see everything you showing to the audience. The way he carries Lilya, the way he moves, I really think you did a fantastic job. You made him more than just a dragon, you made him a person. And on to chapter 4, the mystery is really starting to start. The figs...what are they really? I can't even make a guess on what is going to happen, thank you for having all your book up. If you didn't I think i would be screwed. This story just keeps getting better and better with each read. I'm so looking forward to the next chapter.

To those who are reading my comments, take my word. You should read this. Don't just read the firs few chapters, really dive into the story and don't stop till the very end. I was captured by the first line and I don't regret it one bit. Scott is an amazing author and deserves to be known for his amazing work. Seriously start reading this as fast as you can. Why you still reading my comment? Read Eden Legacy!!!

Scott I'm so glad that I've started reading this. Your writing is going to shape a new generation of fantasy novels, I just know it.
Dakota

I am already in love with this. Eden's Legacy has already taken hold of my intrests. From the very first sentence I was drawn in and though I have only finished reading the frist two chapters, I can tell that this deserves teh highest praise. Scott, you produce such a wonderful world with your words. I can sense that there is a mystery waiting for me and the second chapter has me wanting more. You are amazing with words and there is so much people can learn from you just by reading a chapter. I know that I am.

The dragon is such an brillant character. Amazing yet...the idea is terrifying all at the same time. You make me want to see what the dragon really has in sotre. Its breath taking how you made this dragon seem so real to me and Princess Lilya is really a character i can see myself liking. (Well I am the sucker for female leads). She is a strong willed woman and she has something about her that really draws me to her. Your writing is awesome.

I honestly can't find anything that you need to change here, but I can say that I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter. I feel like a school girl all giddy-like.
Dakota

Eden Legacy reminds me of all the fairy tale stories I grew up with. It has everything that makes a book wonderful. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
The characters were wholesome. Lilya's home life is certainly a wreck, but I'm glad she found a friend in the dragon, Alexander, whom I am certain will have a big part in later chapters. Thomas is also a great character. I am glad that he was not tempted to try the figs and gain immortality, rather he'd use it to heal his sick subjects. That is the mark of a great king. The added suspense in chapter five as well as the battle scene was great.
I loved the way you introduced the Bible story of the Garden of Eden and can't wait to see how it and the figs come into play.
The only mistake I saw was in chapter three. *He wondered if she would be angry (at him) for bringing her here.* You forgot to add the part in parentheses.
I rate this book six stars and back it. I will come back and read more later.
-Charmain

fascinating- interesting setting, the rivers around eden. good clear writing, tence and the making of a great novel...
six stars.
read SEASONS...

I am in love with this book! You are a talented writer that has once again used your vivid imagination to create world that is so utterly believable and yet simultaneously fantastical!
From the beginning with the garden and its placement near the rivers of Pishon, Gihon, Tigris, and Euphrates, the reader is drawn into the world that the author has created. This is not unlike the styling of C.S. Lewis! The characters are fresh and vibrant. The story is epic and timeless taking place when kings and queens, princes and princess held court with noble knights and awe inspiring dragons.
The dragon’s character is both frightening and beautiful at the same time, drawing you in so that you want to read every word that he utters. Alexander’s voice and demeanor are right in line with his character. With just the right amount of honor as he strives to protect the girl yet fierceness as he stands up to the knights taking the offensive. There is an underlying gentleness in his tone also.
Princess Lilya is a princess among princesses. She exhibits the expected grace and nobility for her position. Yet the reader is not left clueless to the fire and thirst for adventure that sparks right beneath the surface of her princess-like demeanor.
This is an epic, fantasy tale that will hit home with all YA readers, and when the last page is reached, leave them with a thirst looking for more of Scott J. Toney’s writings!

I have only praise and well wishes for this up and coming, very talented author!

Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

I read to chapter 2. I love the length of the chapters too. They give the reader just enough to keep going. The description of your Land of Cush are just breath taking. They are intricate going down to such details as bark on the trees. One thing that I noted in Chapter 2 was a lot of bold colored sentences. I'm not sure if this is needed, it didn't necessarily add anything for me. You have a ton of talent and I think you can add emphasis through other means(i.e. dialogue tags, etc.) Just something to think about. I am looking forward to reading more as time permits. Oh and I about forgot to mention that I love the name "Cush" for a fantasy realm. It has ring to it. Good luck with this!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

When you think you have the book all figured out the author throws you in a different direction. From chapter one I was hooked and by the end I had a hard time putting it down. The author had my imagination going wild by giving vivid descriptions of the characters and the land and left me guessing what was going to happen next. From the name and the description I was led to believe that this would be a young adult novel but after completing it I realized this was an adult science fiction novel. In the end I was left hooked and wanting more. Will there be a sequel? I sure hope so!

-Kelly Workman

This is well written and the excitement builds just as it should.

In the beginning there's an attempt at using a style reminiscent of the King James Bible that then fades away and is replaced with modern speech. I think you could modernize those old-sounding phrases; they don't seem genuine and they aren't needed. There's also a certain amount of proofreading yet to be done before the text is up to par grammatically.

Now target the book at the specific readers that enjoy the genre and you should have a success.

Best,

GG

Scott,

Fantasy is where I dwell for most of my reading and all of my writing, so I always enjoy having a browse through any work I find on here. Upon beginning yours, I can feel that familiar sense of escapism kicking in, and so it's clear you know how such a story should start. The opening scene is good, with a feeling of otherworldly time, slowing to focus in on something that is going to be important. Then a switch and the story brings us somewhere else, to someone else, and the story begins in earnest.

As you can no doubt tell, I can't offer any criticism in terms of the story. I can offer some thoughts on the writing though. Overall, it's of a decent quality, but I really feel it can be tightened up to improve the flow. I often say this on the site, so, starting with your work, I'm taking examples to show what I mean. I took three from this; two from the first chapter and one from the second:
- “...rode his horse further." Here I would remove 'his horse', as it's simply unnecessary padding
- at the end of the first chapter “...the shore where they had come from.” This is pointing out the obvious, and I think you should end at 'the shore'
- “It was the deep voice of one of her personal guards.” This is repetitive in that you previously mention a voice, so it would be better to remove 'the deep voice of'. You mention his voice again a few sentences later, and I think at that point it isn't necessary, as we know who's speaking

Hopefully those examples have allowed me to explain myself clearly. One of the things about writing is that all too often it's easy to confuse what you're thinking with what you need to say to the reader, with the former always being comprised of more words than are required for the latter. Usually people are guilty of over-describing, whereas you've clearly gone past that 'writing landmark', and are now at this one. And 'this one' is one of the hardest things to do because it means adopting a merciless approach to the work you've slaved over, chopping away at it as if the words are nothing, when they are, of course, everything. Do it though, and this will flow very well indeed.

I'll stop rambling now, I think I've made my point. This is good work, it just needs that final editing to polish it up. Oh, and as a minor thing, I'd reconsider use of the word 'paw' in relation to a dragon, as paws are only found on mammals (that's the scientist in me speaking, others might not be bothered).

D M Sharples.