Benny Santiago and the Mask of Mortimer Muerto

Note: This book is going through a complete overhaul at the moment. Some major edits, so I apologize if something is out of place. Other than that there are a couple of things potential readers should know:

#1) this book will be fully illustrated, please try to imagine it as such
#2) It goes really fast! It's to keep kids like the ones I teach interested, along with the pictures!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me out with your great feedback!

Read a couple of chapters and decided to bookshelf. This is a great childrens story. Lively story telling, and full on wonderful inventive nonesense that somehow you've made work. I don't have time for a full read, but I will do. If the story unfolds as well as the start and the ending is good, then this is going to make it onto the Ed's desk (or HC will contact you directly) before long. I also don't feel like I'm sticking my neck out either to say that my kids will probably be watching this on kids tv in the next few years. A great piece of work. Hats off to you Jesse.

Miles

AMAZING!!
Didn't stop laughting, Loved it from the begining to the end. Not a dull moment,
I wished that I was in No- Earth and The tow evil bandait were so funny that I wished I was with them.
on my book shelf,

Kimmy

Just read some more. How do you come up with this stuff? Absolutely hilarious! You seem to have a great understanding of your audience. You will go far in this genre. Good Luck!

It's a shame there are no recent comments - this is a funny book. I've read up to Chapter 3 and would love to see an illustrated version. Keep with it Jesse.

LOLtastic. Not sure how I missed it for so long. Backed, Private D.

Okay I am sitting here with a shit eating grin on my face trying to think of a comment to write for you.
Nothing is coming to me.
This made me smile. I simply enjoyed it. A very great piece of work.
I loved it. And would buy it in a heartbeat if seen in the store.
I wish you luck with it.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I read this AGES AGO - this is GREAT STUFF.

I hope the man is still alive.

I have to confess, Jesse, I only skimmed around a bit, but Mayor Biggie's recommendation is enough for me. Backed with pleasure.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Juliet Delta company, deploying per instructions.

Veni vidi vici

The cavalry is here.

Hi Jesse,

I like this. You know your audience and you give them what they want. Your chapter lengths are perfect. I know you are doing some editing from your message so I’m not going to bother nitpicking at anything. Good story. Firm market. Nice writing. On the shelf.

Good luck with this,

Steve ;>

p.s If you get the chance please check out my book Twistwood. Nothing like yours and aimed at older teenagers.

This is fun, fun, fun!

We agreed to trade reads weeks ago, and I've just got down to it on my WL. I love the names. I think youngsters will love it, and parents who may read it to them will. too.

Science fiction isn't really my thing, but by necessity, I've been reading a lot of it on here. I made it through seven chapters and if I had time, would be happy to read on.

Thanks.

Hi Jesse,
Loving the book, but won't be much help with your edits because I can't find anything to criticise. (And I do normally, when I'm reading anything - from Shakespeare down)This is just thoroughly enjoyable and deservedly going on my bookshelf - which is haveing a kids book theme just now. (But you'd be there even if it wasn't)
Especially liked the intro and the notes to 'earthlings'
Am looking forward to enjoying more over the hols.

Margaret
PS if you've time I'd love you to take a look at Munro's Choice - different genre, but your comments would be the more valuable for that.

I had had heard a lot about this from Betterton and Keefieboy before reading and I felt almost as though I had already read it (not that I have read all of it now, needless to say). It is great fun, the Spanish works beautifully (I imagine even for a non-Spanish speaker) and it is great fun. It is not, however, a genre (dreadful word) I feel qualified to make much of a comment about. All I can say is it reads beautifully, it is amusing (funny) and sufficiently interesting to attract its target audience and for that reason I am going to put it on my shelf. Great stuff. And even though you are at about the same place in the chart as Common Places, I wish you every success with this.

Hi Jesse,

This is great . . . I laughed aloud in many places . . . 'nose to the grindstone' taken literally - very funny! NoVa made me laugh - my first ever car was a nova, so that could have been the reason! I love the little asides in italics, too and obviously you are going to be compared to Douglas Adams and Hitch Hikers' Guide to the Galaxy - but that could be a good thing.

I think you'll definitely keep children interested and reading with this and that's no mean feat. The pace is fast and funny - I loved it! (Your cover's great too!!)
I wish you the best of luck.
Berni :)

Dear Jesse,

I'm going to make a guess that you're aiming this book at the 8-10 age group, mostly boys. The problem is to decide on the vocabulary. It's fine to put in a few big words, if they're carefully placed, but I wonder about "extremely materialistic", "well-documented", "severe", "syndrome" and "siblings". And those are all in one paragraph. (start of Ch 13) A quick test for reading level is only 5 words per page that the child does not understand. More than that, and they get turned off.

The problem with this age group is that they are becoming independent readers, and adults are not reading to them any more. Thus there is a smaller market for a multi-generational book.

Good luck with it. I really enjoyed the humour.

Jess: I've read half of your book, and I'm enjoying it. The writing is sound, and the word play very clever. I wish I knew more about your intended market, or could be more helpful in judging whether Benny Santiago . . . stands a good chance of seeing print. I did wonder a time or two about the diction level, but having only taught college students in the past I have no real sense of how linguistically adept your young audience is. I'll keep reading, and will get back to you.

Rob

I can imagine a lot of kids loving this. It would definitely work better with pictures and illustrations to break up the text because it gets a bit heavy going at times for youngsters and I see that is exctly what you plan to do. I'm sure it would appeal to a lot of boys who think reading is too uncool for them so well done for that.

My only criticism is that the story is rather hard to get my head around. It all seems rather confusing but maybe that's your intention with the opening. The opening chapter could do with a little more info on what this story is going to offer readers - without spoiling the amusing tone of course.

Overall a very good idea though and anything that encourages more children to read has to be applauded.

Hey Jesse, I just got a chance to start on your book and I have to say that I'm impressed. Your writing is near flawless, and the story is entertaining.
- What a fun prologue, tight and informative. It also rings with an air of familiarity.
Chapter 1
- bursting with row upon of row of- I see an extra of here
- Your note to earth readers are fun (kind of reminds me of Jonathan Stroud's Bartameus series)
- Smooth intro into the conflict
- The writing is very tight and the story flows smoothly.
- Nice cliff-hanger at the end to make me want to move on to the next chapter.
Chapter 2
- Overall a short, fun chapter. Kinda makes you smile when you read it.
Chapter 3
- hmmmm... I think I now know what happened to all the jugo juice.
this is a fun book. I'm sure my son would love to read this. I'll have to point him at it and see what he thinks.
-Brett

"hmmmm... I think I now know what happened to all the jugo juice." -- you have to follow Benny on his adventure to find out what happened. Surely, I wouldn't give it away in the third chapter ;)

Hey Jesse, I just got a chance to start on your book and I have to say that I'm impressed. Your writing is near flawless, and the story is entertaining.
- What a fun prologue, tight and informative. It also rings with an air of familiarity.
Chapter 1
- bursting with row upon of row of- I see an extra of here
- Your note to earth readers are fun (kind of reminds me of Jonathan Stroud's Bartameus series)
- Smooth intro into the conflict
- The writing is very tight and the story flows smoothly.
- Nice cliff-hanger at the end to make me want to move on to the next chapter.
Chapter 2
- Overall a short, fun chapter. Kinda makes you smile when you read it.
Chapter 3
- hmmmm... I think I now know what happened to all the jugo juice.
this is a fun book. I'm sure my son would love to read this. I'll have to point him at it and see what he thinks.
-Brett

I know you didn't want me to read past Chapter 6, but I couldn't help it. I had to read on. And I will keep any criticism from later chapters to myself, so let me know when you update it and I'll read it again. For now, I'll definitely give it a spot on my shelf. You deserve it.

What I can say is that the first six chapters are very cute, very clever. I had to slow down my normal reading speed because I didn't want to miss a word. I normally speed read and skip a lot, but each word is delightful to read and savor. The transitions between the two stories is perfect. I fall into one and forget about the other. It is easy to be immersed in the story. There's action, adventure, suspense, a dimple, evil corporations, battles, fights. Lots of awesome fun. I would really like to have this book read aloud to me. I love the different characters, the story and the anticipation of things to come. There's no way I could ever know the twists and turns. Your imagination is impressive. It was your fault that I kept reading.

Enjoyable read. Good luck with your book.

This is great! Lively and funny. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to it. You have a gift for humorous rhyming, as well. I made a few notes as i read:

into the pile of foliage – it would read better to me as 'onto the pile of foliage', to be honest.
'mind-massaging' great phrase
'from ripe and red to brown and dead' great
NoVa - Is this deliberate? I'm pretty sure this means 'Doesn't go' in Spanish. Chevvy had to rename their Chevvy Nova for the Spanish market...
Planet ear is actually shaped like a nose - great line!
crashed... i mean landed - great

Yep, i'm off to back this. I think you're going to make a lot of children very happy!

Jess,

I appreciate that you are overhauling the book at the moment but, after re-reading chapter 1 I thought I would comment, so I may cover things that you are about to tidy up. However, . . .

This chapter now reads better.

Some points that I noticed include the following.

On odd occasions, I think you can drop the repetitions of 'Benny'. For example . . .

'Yeah, Benny remembered those days. Unfortunately, Benny and his grandfather . . .'

where you could use a simple 'he' in place of the second instance, or would 'the two of them' be better? And there's another 'Benny' in the last sentence, where I'd suggest a slight change, as in . . .

' . . . It has a number of benefits but, to the Santiagos, its prime use was as a fertilizer.'

In the next paragraph, the use of 'it came from' grates a little on the ear. I appreciate that you mean the Jugo Juice (singular), but this particular sentence starts with 'The deliveries' (plural), and I feel that 'they came from' might be better. Perhaps I'm being too fussy!

'Benny looked over at his grandfather, his whispy beard moved . . .' Again, I'm being fussy, but the second 'his' bothers me. I assume you mean grandfather's beard, but it could be Benny's. Would 'whose whispy beard' be better?

And in the second sentence, something seems to be missing. 'hoping he would' what 'some more'?

The first part of the chapter now ends too abruptly, immediately prior to the section headed Vert and Snert. If this is intended as a hook (to chapter 2), then perhaps the chapter should also end here, though I suspect that even so, the reader might simply think, 'what was all that about?' or just 'so what?'

Having said that, I think that, in any case, the Vert and Snert introduction might be better in a chapter of its own (Chapter 1 - Our Hero, Chapter 2 -Planet Bandits ?).

This Vert and Snert section still tells the story too much, and there's no prime character from whose point of view the narrative is unfolding.

If you start this part with the paragraph 'Once again, Vert and Snert's spacecraft . . .' but made a few adjsutments, you could use Doctor Vert or Senor Snert as the prime character. For example (using Snert for POV) . . .

Not for the first time, Senor Snert watched in awe as Doctor Vert swiftly manoeuvred their spacecraft out of harm's way. Vert's brilliance as a pilot always had that effect on him. That was probably one of the main reasons why the two of them were regarded as the most feared Planet Bandits in the galaxy.

Like all Planet Bandits, they were well aware that they were regarded as real bad dudes, and that if ever they appeared on a planet, the inhabitants of that world knew they were in for some serious trouble. After all, their only goal in life was to . . .

. . .

Both he and Doctor Vert hailed from the planet Hert, which was the source of one particular irritation - the nickname that they had both acquired. 'The talk alots, listen nots'. OK, it was true that this applied to their species in general, and they had huge mouths and tiny ears, but 'talk alots, listen nots'? That was most of unfair. Why didn't others concentrate on their better attributes; their dark shade of green, the two, admittedly slimy, tentacles highlighted by rings of purple stripes? Well, Snert thought they looked quite majestic, so he was hurt Snert from Hert..

Still, they had gained their revenge. The two of them had destroyed and raided more planets in three years than the rest of the bandits could claim in an entire career. And they had just added one more to the list. The inhabitants of Planet Pocket Protector would have to find another route across the bay, now that the Golden Geek Bridge had been destroyed by the diversionary attack. The perfectly executed plan was typical, from bridge destruction to jewel heist. If only he, Snert, had remembered to fill up. Soon it would be, not Jago Juice, but Jago Splutt!

- and then narrate the rest, continuing with Snert's POV.


Chapter 2 flows much better. I'm not sure about the repetition near the end (speechless, astonished, incredulous) but perhaps this will appeal to kids, in which case, fair enough.

And, despite the implied ear wax joke, this could perhaps be emphasized more.

"I was called upon to help the people of the planet Ear. At that time, the Great Ear Wax wars were raging . . . ??


Overall, this is starting to grow on me.

Neil.

Jesse,

I've taken a break from looking at other works on my Watchlist, and had a look at your first chapter - Our Hero.

For some reason, this is the third work for children that I've been asked to look at, but, whilst I'm happy to do so, I am not sure I can comment sensibly, so please read my comments with this in mind.

Having an IT background that includes validation of commercial software, and writing quite complex software, I have to admit to a tendency to home in on logical errors in writing, and I have mentioned these, where detected. But, do they actually matter in books for kids? I've no real idea.

In this particular novel I'm relieved to find that, after reading the first chapter, my head is not spinning, nor is it aching after trying to work out what the heck is going on. That's a first!

The chapter has been easy to read. There are a inevitably a considerable number of odd/whacky names, but they don't overwhelm the reader and I guess kids will go a bundle on them.

However, a number of points occurred to me.

To begin with, the first item of dialogue...

"If you like our Gushberries, you would love...."

confused me when I first read it. I had no idea who was talking, and had to stop, read again, and think. Not sure that's a good thing.

This is mainly because we have no idea of timescale at this point. In the first paragraph 'Benny had been tending to the ... from the time he could first hold a shovel' implies that he's perhaps been doing it for some time, but is that months, years, decades...? We are probably going to think years, at least, but then we read the second sentence of the same paragraph where, evidently, Benny is not yet a toddler even.

Incidentally, the phrasing here strikes me as odd. If he can't yet walk, he can't really accompany his grandfather. Would something like 'Before he could walk, his grandfather would take him to the village of Aldea, where he had a booth from which they sold buckets of Gushberries at the market.' be better? This also introduces the booth referred to in paragraph three, and cuts the 'central' of central market. Aldea is a village, so it would presumably simply have 'a market'.

Back to timescale. In the third paragraph, Benny 'sat on the counter of their booth, waving and talking to the customers...' but we're still thinking at the pre-toddler level, in which case he wouldn't be able to speak - at least, not very intelligently (unless, of course the people of Not-Earth have an extremely rapid intelligence development - which we are not aware of). Hence the subsequent piece of dialogue is difficult to attribute to Benny.

I'd suggest something similar to...

When he was older, Benny would sit on the counter of their booth, watching customers as they filled the streets, awaiting the arrival of Santiagos' freshest....

although the 'awaiting the arrival' also seems odd. Wouldn't he and grandfather have brought the day's product with them? If not, where's it coming from and who is delivering it? Perhaps 'waiting whilst grandfather unloaded the day's batch of the...'?

My main point is that, by the time Benny says the dialogue in question, we need to have a better idea of his age.

And the reference to Jugo Juice in that piece of dialogue might puzzle the reader. I get the impression that it is a fertilizer from the following paragraph, yet it is an ingredient in Slurp-Slurp drink (and a fuel used by the Planet Bandits to power space-craft)? To my mere earthling mind, that sounds yucky, not yummy! Just a small point.

What worries me most of all about this chapter is that you spend much of the narrative telling the story, rather than showing it. There's the occasional thought or comment from one character or another, but not much else to help the reader get to know them. This is not helped by the Note to Earth readers and Warning that appear here and there but which, in my view, could more effectively be incorporated into the general narrative.

To avoid some of the above problems (assuming, of course, that you accept them as such), I would suggest starting the chapter with the paragraph (currently number 10), starting...

Benny whipped a shovel over his shoulder...

but changed slightly, such as...

Benny Santiago whipped the shovel over his shoulder, to toss the last of the lifeless bushes onto the pile of dried up foliage, then looked at the stripped and desolate fields. It was hard to believe that only one year ago, these same fields had been bursting with row upon row of ripened Gushberries. You'd not know it now, but then, the world renowned Santiago Farm produced the sweetest fruit that Not-Earth had to offer.

For a moment, he was transported back to the times when, before he could even walk, grandfather would take him to the village of Aldea, where the family sold buckets of Gushberries at the market. Even at that age he had been fascinated by the pea-sized fruit that packed an explosion of...

...when chewed. It was like putting a mix of your absolute favourite fruits into a blender, adding a cup of the best feeling you ever had. You would then mix it for a minute, and enjoy. Wow!

In those days, customers would fill...

-- and now we are in Benny's mind and he, not the narrator, is telling us what's going on. He can then interject other relevant thoughts as he reminisces.

I'm afraid it means a considerable number of changes, but I believe the book would benefit.

I'll try to look at the next chapters as soon as I can.

Neil.

Hi Jess. Thanks for that. Weirdly, we must have been reading each other's book at the same time without knowing it. I tend to read a lot of books at once and only comment after getting a certain way into them. Firstly, I would have concerns about the market. There are thousuands upon thousands of authors trying to write this Douglas Adams-esque stuff, and I would imagine publishers tire pretty quickly as soon as the see it. BUT, having said that, this is a very good version of this kind of writing - probably the best I've seen on here so far. You have a wonderful knack with the names - gushberries, Miss Ing's Slurp-Slurp Drink, Benny Santiago himself. I think you've absolutely done the right thing by going for a slightly younger age-range. For a US writer, you have a very British knack for the absurd. I like Very and Snert, although I can't help being reminded of those two tentacled aliens in The Simpsons - perhaps there is a way of distancing them a little from these two. And I like the way you've included little in-jokes that the younger ones might not get but older readers will -ie. the father and son scene which mirrors Luke Skywalker being told about his powers. This is good stuff. Often there's a fine line between being wacky and being a prat, and you always kept the ride side of this line. Giving you a spot on the shelf.

Jesse - very entertaining, very funny. I think kids will love it, and I'm going to try reading it to my son.

I read the first chapter in a blink of an eye. You are right on keeping it moving fast. I volunteer at my two daughter's school for reading groups and I can not tell you how many times we read a slow book and the kids wiggle and stop paying attention. I think your storyline is brilliant. It definitely makes me want to read more. I am intrigued as to how Antonio got his scar. You have a winner here. I will read more!

Not my genre but I suspect many kids will like it. I like the puns and it's good to expand vocabulary ... how else are they going to learn words if they don;t see/hear them?

Keep it up and good luck with it.

Jesse -

Just read the first few chapters of Benny Santiago and enjoyed them very much. You are appealing very strongly to the 8-10 (mainly male) year-old market, it seems, and you have hit the tone of voice needed very accurately. It sounds like something from Dav Pikey (which is praise indeed). A couple of observations, however.

I think you might want to look at your word count - at this level (indeed, at every level) every single word counts. It may be worth doing an editing pass to see how you can say things more concisely: killing adverbs, for example.

I echo the comment made earlier about establishing the commentator's voice more strongly - you might also want to consider foot notes.

Finally, it would be nice to know what your thoughts are on illustration - as this has to be illustrated...

Overall, very enjoyable and has strong potential. I look forward to reading on.

Just finished reading your book. Wow! Someone said it started too fast? I don't think so. It's great. It has everything needed to appeal to kids; funny names, really awful belches and bad guys bitten by ants in their rears. Fantastic. I enjoyed it. I have shelved it.
Nancy

Hey Jesse,

First impressions: (for the sake of brevity I’ll skip all the really excellent, intriging bits)

1. Not Earth – what a cool name for a planet. I’m guessing already that they have little brother issues with our own good planet.

2. Not English and not Spanish. I can see already that this is America-centric. A bit of a turn off for me, a non-American reader… because there are other languages in the world (and also in America). Perhaps this is my very own little brother issue. Even if you’re taking the piss out of America-centric views, it doesn’t work for me. Not before I’ve worked out that the whole book is a piss-taking mission.

3. Chapter one ends too abruptly for me. I don’t know why – the idea of ending it with the hook of a mythological fire and the possibility of an altercation with planet bandits is good… maybe chop the last two paragraphs, or reshuffle?

4. Vert and Snert – cool names.

5. You’ve chosen an intersting narrative voice – a bit like that in Gossip Girl (if you’ve ever been subjected to that, though you may not have read it since you’re not a twelve year old girl). I mean you break up the action with excerpts of explanation eg the paragraph beginning ‘Jugo Juice is both rare and valuable…’ I’d like you to beef this narrator’s voice up a bit, make the narrator a real character (though unseen, of course). It works in Gossip Girl (whatever else you may say about that series) because the narrator is an unnamed spy making snarky comments on the characters’ lives. The same method of narration is employed in Desperate Housewives.

6. The Legend of Beard Man

a. I notice a few unnecessary words that need culling e.g. ‘Benny stared blankly at Antonio in utter disbelief (of what he had just heard.)’
b. Antonio allowed his (astonishing) words to sink in – I understand this is a deliberate attempt at melodrama – if so, beef that up too.
c. I am trying to imagine this book as a graphic novel, because I think it would make an even better graphic novel than a book. Don’t know an artist, do you? I find myself wanting to know much more about this other world, and pictures would help there. I agree with your decision not to burden the reader with details of setting as your target audience has a low threshold for that.

Anyhow, I’m interested in this so far – the world needs more men writing MG fiction for boys. (That’s not JK Rowling inspired.) So go for it. Feel free to be equally nit-picking of my first chapters if you get the time.

Stace

"I am a teacher, and several kids have read this book, and I have read to several kids. I think children's abilities are underrated by most people. Challenge them., and they rise to the occasion. That has been my experience."

my experience too!

I see a target-audience problem here. I don't know what kids you've tried this on, but I'd suspect it would appeal to 8-10-year-olds. However, I'm reading a paragraph with the words. "vertical","ravine", "altitude",and "avalanche".

I suggest you find a group of your target audience, have them read one page, and find out how many words on that page they don't understand. More than 3, and it's beyond their reading level.

It's very difficult to tell, with a book for this age group, whether it works or not. If kids like it, it's a winner. Good luck!

I am a teacher, and several kids have read this book, and I have read to several kids. I think children's abilities are underrated by most people. Challenge them., and they rise to the occasion. That has been my experience.

Totally off-the-wall; never mind the kids - I love it! I think the pace and the witty asides are great. A Hitchhiker for kids has to be a winner.

I see a target-audience problem here. I don't know what kids you've tried this on, but I'd suspect it would appeal to 8-10-year-olds. However, I'm reading a paragraph with the words. "vertical","ravine", "altitude",and "avalanche".

I suggest you find a group of your target audience, have them read one page, and find out how many words on that page they don't understand. More than 3, and it's beyond their reading level.

It's very difficult to tell, with a book for this age group, whether it works or not. If kids like it, it's a winner. Good luck!

This is really clever and funny -- I can totally see my boys getting into this. I've only read a couple of chapters, but am putting it on my shelf because I would buy it for them. Well done!

Hi,

Thanks for the comment. I've just read your intro and its good. Am going to read the rest later on. Keep up the good work.

To all those reading this i've just uploaded my first novel, The Three Chosen Ones and the unknown Sarowfer. Would be greatful if you could take a look at it and tell me what you think.

Heres the opening paragraph:

'It was a cold and misty day at Doorway Street; not a single person was seen, nor a single voice heard. The ice cold wind swept away the small brown leaves from the pavements and froze the windscreens of each and every car. It was as if everyone knew the great dangers, which were to unfold on this gloomy day.'

If you like this then im sure you'll like the rest.

Well. I'm not into superhero stories but, when reading this, I found myself smiling ear to ear. Shelved.

Jesse-
I finally got back to finish my read, and I am impressed. Your imaginative, inventive style is unique and the story, characters and wordplay are intriguing. Being from San Diego, the Spanglish nuances worked perfectly for me, and I know this would have a market in the Southwest USA, at the very least. You say in your bio that you love to draw cartoons. All this book needs is some minor editing, some fleshing out of the story, and some killer illustrations to be a children's book hit, IMHO. You should pitch it to Pixar, I can visualize it as their next animated movie. If HC passes on it, I'm sure you can get it published. Heck, I'll help you get it published if it comes down to that. In this age of digital publishing, you can do it yourself. Leave me a message with an email address and I'll explain further.

I saw that you had updated the book recently, and perhaps some of these edits have been addressed previously, but I don't have time to read all the comments left here. The following are the nitpick edits that I would suggest to clean it up:

Chp. 3-- "One" should be 'One' (single quotes s/b used within double quotes)
Chp. 5-- Often, your compound adjectives should be hyphenated for clarity. In this case, I think it s/b "...unstable-looking terrain..." ***Also, "cannon" is written "canon" the second time
Chp. 6-- "passed this rock" s/b ""past." ***"Billionaire" should start a new paragraph. ***Shouldn't "waived" be "waved," or are you making a wordplay that I don't understand? ***Also, I found the duplication of the word "poor" further down repetitious. Perhaps substitute "bad taste" for "poor taste?"
Chp. 9-- Did you mean "Al held up two fingers?" The "up" seems to be missing, otherwise, he is just holding his fingers. ***Also, "...on his hand" seems obvious to me. Where else are they going to be?
Chp. 10-- Perhaps use "underground stream" instead of repeating "reservoir?" ***You say "...Alma's cheek" at one point where I am expecting "cheeks." Does she only have one cheek to go with her single dimple? ***In the 25th paragraph or so (I might have lost count), there is a period missing after "Benny." ***Also, just before that, it seemed that there was no motivation for Alma asking about "something you aren't telling me." How did she get that feeling?
Chp 11-- You have made such a visual tool out of the typeface changes throughout, I would taper the Bold face in "Stttoppp!" off to Regular for the last two "p" characters, and substitute an ellipses for the exclamation point, to give a visual symbol of her scream becoming a whisper. ***I think "funny looking" should be hyphenated as well (one of those compound adjective things). ***Also, the handbook title occurs in a sentence of quoted dialogue just before the "World of Hert" section, and as a title, should be contained within single quotes or set in italics. ***I think "belch proof" should also be hyphenated.
Chp. 12-- "three quarters" should definitely be hyphenated.
Chp. 13-- There is a missing period after "Alma" in the 6th paragraph.
Chp. 14-- The single quote should be outside the period along with the double quotes in "...vending machines and ice.'" At least, this is what the Chicago Manual of Style suggests.

All these are very picky editing points in relation to the overall work, and I found myself just wanting more at the end. Can't wait for the next adventure. This could be the new "Mutant Ninja Turtles," as far as I am concerned, but I have no children and don't know squat about them. But I can remember being one, and I think this would make a killer cartoon series for kids.

Honestly,
Stewball

Hi Jesse.

Have just read the first three chapters, as promised. I think its a really enjoyable read—quite wacky, which I like. Somehow, the idea of another world where a delectable fruit is grown is very appealing. The book is clearly making an impression to be so high in the charts, so well done Jesse and keep up the good work. I will read more shortly.

Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

I like the fast start. When I wrote my first book I worked with a lady who was the librarian at an elementary school and she told me if you actually want to be read by children, the fast start with a fun read ( male main character, as well) is your best bet. Carla JO

Jess,
I don't know if this is sort of cheating, but unable to render a judgement on my own, I've really relied on my wife's judgement, and she says this "seems better than a lot of what's out there now." From her, that's practically a ringing endorsement, and I'd back based on it. But I'm the member here, not her. What do you think?
One thing I would note, from an editorial standpoint: dialogue being expressed with verbs like smiled, as in "XXXX .....," Antonio smiled, tend to drive editors nuts in adult fiction. I see it all the time in my kids' books, but as a writer, I wish it weren't there, either. No one smiles anything. They say it, sometimes 'with a smile.'
Otherwise, I think you've done some really fine work here, albeit in a genre that I'm not terribly familiar with (although that will change soon enough).
Chuck

Jess,
I meant to mention a couple of questions my wife asked while I read this aloud.
1. The age range of the market you're shooting for?
2. Whether you envision it being illustrated - or if it is simply a chapter book?
Chuck

Jess,
I am in no way personally qualified to provide you useful feedback on this story. My 6-year-old seemed to like it, and giggled quite a bit at all the rhymnig. I'd say the real test in this household, however, is my wife, who teaches at the 5th- to 8th-grade level and genuinely enjoys good children's lit. And she really thought you have something original and clever going on here! We'll go on with it, probably over the weekend, and I'll see if I can provide more specific feedback, but at this point, I'd have to say the verdict is that you've got a keeper going here.
Chuck

Hi Jess,
Oh, I giggled and chortled my way through this. The kids will love it! Full of nice short little blocks to read, and some of the tossed in comments had me laughing out loud.
This will do well, I’m sure. I’ll give it a turn on my shelf next time I rearrange it.
Regards

Hi Jesse--looks like you’ve hijacked a NoVa (great name, especially as it does run out of juice!) space ship and shot to stardom (must be because you’re a good looking author!). Love BS&TMOMM--great characters, great plot and pace (I don’t think it’s too fast btw). Your imagination is out of this world (at least it’s definitely Not-Earthly)--“Planet Ear and the Wax Wars” :) and your gushberries give goyi berries a run for their money! I liked the start (and the middle too--stopped at chapter 7)--liked the image of the grandfather and grandson sitting under a lone tree. Great the way you’ve interwoven Benny’s adventures with those of Vert and Snert (of the world of Hert--Dr Seuss eat your heart out!)--two parallel tales on a collision course (can’t wait). Love the two Bandits--great repartee (“icy land”) and their burps (kids will love them--the burps AND the bandits!). This is not just a fun book though, it’s educational too (in a subtle, non-patronizing-sort-of-way--brilliant for introducing kids to expressions such as “stuck between a rock and a hard place” and geography--Mount Flushmore, Golden Geek bridge)--would make a great class read (also great for adults curled up in front of the fire with a glass of wine--wish I had a paper copy of this!). Think the Hispanic connection (love Space-os btw) will be particularly appealing to US kids (might be lost on their European counterparts--not that it matters--there’s plenty of fun to keep them entertained. In fact, there’s never a dull moment). Like the way you’ve kept the chapters small and manageable (speeds up the pace and the page turning! Speaking of which I found that the elf-like cowboy ape Juan passage was a touch too long--actually found it slowed things down a bit--but perhaps that’s just me?). Just a couple of questions, I can’t quite picture a “rings of purple stripes” or how you can scratch a chin with a slimy tentacle--but I can see it’s all part of the wackiness.
Good luck with this. I’m keeping BS&TMOMM on my WL until I rotate my shelf again (and I’ll be back for more!).

Just read Chapter 2 and it's really very good! Wouldn't it be fab to be made into something on the big screen ..

Lesley
Kangaroo Land

hi,
great invention for your characters. i've only read the first chapter but it made me want to read more so you've earned a place on my bookshelf as I see you're in with a chance of making it to the editor's desk.
good luck
tim

Sorry it's taken awhile to return the read, but I'm limiting myself to a couple a day and I needed a break.

This isn't my genre, so I can't offer you valuable advice, but I can say I enjoyed the read a lot. Great pacing, strong characters and attractive story telling. I think kids will love the imagination and humour going on here.

Happy to support this, and add you to my shelf. Well done.

Jesse, first of all I'm a HUGE fan of puns, and this book most definitely tickled my punny bone! I loved the pace, quirky characters, all sorts of wacky adventures, a book that readers can actually interact with. There's something in it for everyone from 8 to 80 years old, and I know my kids would eat this up. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to live in your mind for a while...what an incredible imagination!

"eye of the belch" - LOL!

Super job!

Great kids stuff. Kids love all the little asides and comments and bracketed bits. Not much I can comment on as it's not the sort of thing I know anything about, but I enjoyed reading this very much.

Dear Jesse,

This is great. All my four kids would love this. The pacing is great, and the timing of the gags perfect. I can just imagine taking the kids to the bookshop, letting them loose in the kids' section and them coming to me after having read 2 pages and saying they want me to buy the book for them. I'm shelving this.

R

Hi Jesse. Benny is Brilliant! I wasn't sure how I'd get on at first as I'm not usually a great fan of this kind of thing, but Benny bounces along beautifully.The chapters are the ideal length and there's such a lot going on in each one. I can't imagine anyone in your target audience not liking it, there should be something for everyone.
I'm not sure if you're looking for edit crits but I'll point out the ones I noticed anyway. In ch 1, it wasn't immediately clear that the market scene was in the past. Perhaps you could have said "customers *would fill* the streets". In para 3 you've missed a word: "sending their hordes *of* customers". Then here you have missed a word and there are too many "Benny"'s: "he sat down on the tree swing his grandfather *had* made for *him* " Another missed word: "there was only one book for a Planet Bandit *to* check..."? and in ch 3 para 6, "Benny lay amongst *to* remains of dried leaves" ...*to* should be *the*. There are also a few extraneous commas, such as in ch2, "This *,* is no normal mask..."
I also noticed places where the writing got a bit wordy and there were extra "he said"s or "Antonio explained"s, etc, that you could tidy and tighten up. But these are trivial comments really and no reflection of what I thought of the book. It's going on my bookshelf, and I wish you the best of luck.
I look forward to your thoughts on King's Envoy,
Cheers, Cas.