A Killing In The City

A KILLING IN THE CITY
This is a story with an interesting beginning: a man witing in his office for a visitor he intends to cause some harm. The way he reviews the financial situation of the world interspersed with his own thoughts while he waits is an effective way to do that. Keeps it from becoming a long discussion of less than interesting details for the stock market challenged like myself. I was surprised you waited until chapter 3 to introduce Tom, but okay. It seems to work okay. Tom is immediately likable and seems as if he’ll be a good character to follow (I’m hoping you reveal soon what happened to Baxter in that office, tho). Overall: a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

read chapter one. Like your writing style. Especially your device of using a dropped diary to introduce a flashback. Nicely done. As you read mine, please comment often, if possible. I like having feedback. jack hudson

A Killing in the City. Cover, title and pitches are all fine - although at first I didnt read the long pitch properly and thought I was in for a financial thriller!
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. That's a very informative introduction to the City. But perhaps you should do a check on your usage of commas? I know I've been guilty of using too many, which makes me sensitive to them.
I'm not sure about the use of italics either - if they were Collier's thoughts, you wouldnt have included 'Impatient as ever, he was anxious to get on' in italics.
His pompousity and self-importance and destructive power come across well.
Do you really need to use those words 'suddenly' and 'just'?
You build the suspense well, and the lead up to the day six months previously is skilfully done. And what an accurately confusing picture of economic melt-down!
(perhaps I was right after all).

Ch.2. I know your repetitious style suits the story and the character of Collier, but arent there rather too many 'not's in those first couple of paragraphs?
I'm inclined to agree with Collier - economists dont know what they're doing. Havent for years.
It's an ill wind...
Wouldnt it be better just to say Collier sat down (without the 'back')? And perhaps you can drift out of that past pluperfect tense - all those 'had's are rather cumbersome to read.
I'm beginning to become as impatient as Collier - arent you drawing out the wait a little too long? But I know you are using it to leak out snippets of information, drip by drip.

I'm enjoying the read, with its clear representation of how the financial world does, and doesnt work.
Very topical, and eminently publishable. Do you really need this site?
You obviously know what you're doing.
And I'm honoured that you should see fit to back my book!

Jane (Breath of Africa).

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. Good use of deep point of view. Superb imagery. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... is the third of the City's major buildings, ... ' In your opening sentence you established that this part of town is referred to as 'The City.' Note bothe'The' and 'City' are capitalized there but not here. Consider capitalizing 'the' to maintain consistency.
2) ' ... the Tower is a glass and steel structure that rises ... ' You previously referred to the building as 'The Tower.' Consider capitalizing 'the' to maintain consistency.
3) Hyphenate 'six feet four.'
4) 'He owned fifty one per cent of the shares.' Hyphenate 'fifty one.' Also, 'per cent' is one word. There are more cases of 'per cent.'
5) Hyphenate 'buff coloured.'
6) 'Suddenly he felt strangely nervous.' Try to avoid using the worf 'felt.' Just describe his nervous feeling so vividly the reader will experience it along with Collier. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story. There are more cases where you use 'felt.'
7) 'Whatever it was, Collier did not the feeling.' A word seems to be missing from this sentence.
8) Hyphenate 'two forty.'
9) "There are those who succeed and those that don't." 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
10) "Did you want something sir?" Comma after 'something.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire" at this critical time.

Have a wonderful day.

Al

A tale of financial shenanigans and murder, and a private investigator from Miami left to puzzle it all out. There are elements of mystery dropped in along the way and some splashes of humour. It is an easy and relaxing read.
My only thought was that it would really benefit from a slight pruning and polishing. The mystery seems not to kick off until Ch.5 – which is quite a long way in.
Before that, there’s quite a lot of repetition – both within paragraphs and within chapters – which could be trimmed. There are many places where the same idea is expressed in several different ways in consecutive sentences. Just a couple of examples, both taken from Ch.2: “Nor, indeed, did he want to stop it. At least not right now ... Oh no, he didn’t want it to stop. Not yet.” And another, a little further down: “Six months, and still there was no consensus of opinion. No unified approach to the problem. .... Still no overall strategy”. Or, another example, Collier repeats the expression about the ill wind twice in different parts of the chapter. The first five chapters are just over 20,000 words, but I felt they could be a lot shorter to move the story along a bit faster.
The use of italics for thoughts is fine, but, here and there, they’re used when it’s not a person thinking. For instance, the sentence “Impatient as ever ...” is not one of JWC’s thoughts. If used exclusively for thoughts, then you don’t need the “he thought” tags with them.
Is the diary in Ch.2 the same as the one in Ch.1? It seems different as it is described in detail in Ch.2, but not when we first encounter it in Ch.1.
Characters shake their heads and smile a lot. Collier smiles 5 times in Ch.1 and 13 times in Ch.2. In Ch.3, Kendall and Mollie smile 14 times between them; there are 13 smiles in Ch.4 and 19 in Ch.5. There are also lots of sighs and shrugs, and deep breaths, and nodding of heads. Perhaps some of these could be removed to improve the flow as they become a little distracting.
I spotted a few typos, which I will send you separately in a message. I wish you the best of luck with this.

John,

this is very promising and I cannot understand why you haven’t had more responses. Perhaps people don’t like reading an unfinished novel. If so I think you will do very well once it is complete. You can certainly write and create engaging characters, a skill evident when taking the reader through what would normally be dry facts about the economy.

Your style of writing is engaging in its brisk and witty style. I also liked the italics for Kendall’s inner thoughts, a technique I felt worked well.

Just a couple of points. You have used the words “oh no” a few times, twice in a short time of each other in the first chapter and at least once later. For me it jars when a phrase is repeated.

I thought the pace slowed a little when outlining Kendall’s reason for the break. Perhaps that is backstory you might like to add at a later date. By now I think we want to know what is going to happen when he gets to the UK and how it links up with the earlier characters.

Finally you have a way of bringing prose to life but I thought your use of existing sayings felt a little hackneyed. The best example was with Collier’s advice from his father: “there are two types of people ...etc.” This seemed pedestrian, characterless.

Would it be sharper with ...
“there are two types of people, those who shit and those who have to clean it up. I don’t want to see my son with shovel.”

“There are two types of people, the winners and those they look down on.”

“There is no such thing as second son. You are first or you are shit.”

Obviously you may disagree but you are at your best with your lively style.

I expect to see this book flying up the charts here when it is complete. Recommended to all.

S L Stockford, Fresco, a dark thriller

Hi John
Just finished reading your 5 chapters. Another fine mystery in the making. You do an excellent job in your characterisation of Collier, with his almost obsessive repetition and internal thoughts. He's a nasty individual, up to no good and thoroughly enjoying his moment of revenge. I like the way you build up slowly to the meeting and then close the chapter without letting on what actually happens. Kendall's obsessive behaviour re the lost key and the holiday planning, has the opposite effect as we know he's just a little preoccupied and certainly not a nasty individual. I like the way you sneak in the two men who miss the flight, the mention by Devaney of the jewel robbery, and the suspicious behaviour of his new travelling companion re the stowing of the envelope in Kendall's bag.
A great start John, best of luck with it.
Babs