Paddy Nemesis

Hi Phil,

Sorry it took me so long to comment. I've read the first three chapters. This is dark and very original. It took me a while to get used to the style because the way you handle dialogue is different, but once I got used to it, I liked it. There's plenty of action here, and conflict. Good setting details, too. Jack is an interesting guy with a tough attitude and very strong voice.I'll keep reading and try to leave more comments soon. Good story.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hi Phil,

I read the first two chapters, thought I’d leave a comment for now.

I really like Jack’s voice, his bleak humour and out-look on life. The way he picks apart the hunger strikers shows he can be critical and antagonistic. I thought you could replace the phrase ‘a theory or a mandate’ with ‘a manifesto’.

That was some portrait of the girl on the train! I’m not sure there’s sinew in the nose, but I could be wrong about that. I like the hints about Jack’s character seen through his choice of friends.

I got caught up in the description of the attack on the mugger, it has a fantastic energy to it. Perhaps it was a little too heated, in that it’s hard to know exactly what happened. For instance, why was the girl still on the ground; why did Jack think he saved her life? I didn’t quite believe he kept his eye on the security cameras in the middle of that red-mist. Maybe we should see that, him being slightly more controlled. But overall the writing was really powerful.

You’ll have to watch out for tense changes throughout, you keep slipping between past and present, like in the line: ‘I got to the lockers, I smirk at the number…’.

I like Jack’s DIY improvements to his gun. It’s a cool story about the assassination of the pimp, but I had a hard time believing someone could be gunned down in Grafton Street without anyone noticing. How did Jack fire the gun? Maybe you could give a few more details here about his methods.

I like the description of his taking speed in the pub jacks, that was well done. And then the furtive arrival of Gerry. I also liked the dialogue, but thought you could break up some of it with small descriptions of actions by both Jack and Gerry. Or maybe the barman comes over. Just so there are pauses between the speech. There’re a few instances where you can make it more clear who’s speaking.

The formatting problem with the large spaces at the end of Ch 2 is a bit distracting. But I like the set-up for the plot in Boyle. I’m looking forward to reading more and I’ll leave another comment.

Very highly starred, you’ve a really interesting and provocative main character. Best of luck with it.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

"a thugs fantasy" wankerism and so much great writing in first person super descriptive. Accolades as a writer. On my WL for a shelf space when it opens.

Many thanks, Phil, for backing "Doc." I really appreciate it.

Had to read some of your novel to check out Hippylitchick's editing. Looks like she did good--or should I say "well"? I should tell her, though, "shoulder length" should be hyphenated. Anyway, when I got into the book, I forgot the editing, it was so real. The description, I mean, as Jack sizes up the girl on the bus. A model of mental meandering. Count on me to read on and get back to you. I can see this is one you can't put down.

Bill Carrigan
("The Doctor of Summitville")

I found the two quotes at the start of chapter one got my interest straight away. I was drawn in and immediatly wanted to read more.
The writing was a mixture of violence and humour, I liked the style alot. Although I didn't agree with everything that your character thought and said I enjoyed hearing it. I particularly enjoyed the paragraph about him not intentially going for the whole Bobby Sands dirty protest look. I like to write about recent Irish history and therefore appreciated the inclusion in the chapter.
I thought that the style of the piece reminded me of Irvine Welsh without the local accent.
I did feel however that a little less time could have been spent describing the girl on tthe train and more time on a back story. Thats my only criticism. I liked the brief paragraph about "go to your room, head under pillow" and I felt that that could be expanded on.

There’s a strong voice and a good premise. I think the stream of consciousness style is done well in this piece.

The Hook: Didn’t really like it, didn’t think the “Would it go to your head?” bit really works out.
The pitch is good.

Throughout the first chapter my interest in the story kind of waned and waxed, so I think this may not be for me. Though, reading it through the second time I found to be easier and more interesting.

It has a good start, sets the scene. Love this line, “…waiting for someone to tell me that I was about to go to war, waiting for the fucking DART at Dun Laoghaire.

The second paragraph was very rambley to me. Maybe break it up into two paragraphs?

After the kind of seriousness of the before paragraph the line ,“I look like a tramp who doesn’t take to personal hygiene very well,” really shines.

Jack is an interesting character with a lot of layers. He’s funny, violent, a bit of a jerk, but there seems to be another side of him that seems very vulnerable and like he kind of wants to be a hero. “I wasn’t doing it for the fat girl, or for the passengers on the DART. I was doing it for me, putting the boot in.”

The descriptions are spot on. From the plump girl to the rain I could picture it perfectly.

Sorry I don’t have very much feedback to give you, like I said, good story, well written, just not for me.

I've had this on my watchlist for a while and just gotten to read it. Sorry it's taken so long, if this was a return read.
Wow. It's very intense! So easy to follow, the words don't even bother going through my eyes to get to my brain. Clear imagery! Your main guy is interesting, I want to know more about him. He seems very, very bad and very good at the same time, and sort of feels like he thinks of himself the same way. He's got a unique perspective, I like how he see's this woman on the train. It's a very cool way of saying "She's not amazing, but I'd do her".

Phil,
I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting that! In a good way I promise :) I love authors who don't hold anything back, who don't care if what they says offends the reader and who brings out gritty reality through their words.

I love the depiction of the druggie, you describe her so realistically that I could actually see her.

I also loved the comment about the Ireland weather. That was really funny to me as I live in Colorado where the exact opposite is true (we get all 4 seasons in one day-every day) so it was great to see a different perspective for people who live with rain and clouds. I know that's not what your story is about, but it struck a chord in me.

You convey the intended emotions very well through the pacing and the language that you use.

There are a few things that I noticed however:
You are writing in first person past tense and slip a few times and go to first person present. For example, in the second para you say "my hair was requiring styling" and it should be "my hair required styling".

Also in ch 2 you have strange formatting with the spacing between para and the dialogue which confused me. Maybe it is a stylistic choice, which is great, or its a mistake with the uploading process?

Anyways, I really enjoyed what I have read so far and I'll definitely be back to read more!
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
And thank you again for backing Philosophia!

Hi Phil,
This is certainly a gritty read! Much more gritty than my usual reading but I was entertained by the roughness of your MC. I found him to be not that likeable through the first chapter, particularly when his thoughts about the girl who gets on the DART come tumbling out - he struck me as a bit too course. But as I read on and began to understand his motivations, I softened to him a little. He reminds me a little of a slightly less likeable Jack Reacher - maybe there is something you could do in the first chapter to show that he has some redeeming qualities... might help readers identify with him earlier on. Just my opinion and maybe you want to keep it that gritty.
Great idea for a book and I found myself intrigued. I noticed the odd cliche here and there - 'greasy enough to fry an egg on' is one, for example. A few tense changes where you slip into present tense, for example 'the top nearly reaches her hips', should be reache(d).
Apart from that I really enjoyed what I read and can see your book appealling to the more hardy Jack Reacher fans!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

The writing brings out the rawness of the situation very well, although I am not sure that the excessive use of swearwords really adds as much as you intend. I would agree very much with Joseph Beirce's comments both on the pitch and Chapter One but I read on for quite a long way and found this to be a good story, very well told.

Philip John

I had a look at the pitch and at the first chapter. I like the writing but I've been given some advice that I can probably give to you.

The pitch in terms of a pitch that agents would consider (and I have no idea about this stuff) perhaps there are a lot of strands being discussed in the pitch. Finally, I'm not sure I like his two options, I mean, would I read about a guy who's going to end up living in fear or running away? Perhaps he stands his ground defiantly, or something.

The first chapter doesn't have elements of a history for the character other than a slight glimpse of family life. There's no intro to who the character is, why should I read on? Where is this going? Etc.

There's a couple of technical things I can message you if you like.

Other than that, having read the pitch AND the first chapter I am interested to see where this goes. I'm hoping the guy has some redeeming qualities or even skills, if I get them in the second chapter then I'd be interested.

Interesting and unique concept.

Thanks!

The voice is powerful and smells of the drink and when reading this I became intoxicated. It is strong and stands up angry and fearful, and full of the belligerance of Brendan Behan at his drunken best. It just seems to jump out of the page at me, yet I've only been to Cork 4 or 5 times and drank in the bars of Macroom and listened to the craic, and the bubbling language, and I can feel the truth and frustration welling up in Jack. "Kill the Skanger!" I shouted, "Kill the fucking lot of 'em!" - Mick

{Paddy Nemesis} – Phil Cone

What struck me particularly about your work was the way you engage with the reader, and draw us into the mind of Jack. You handle the first person extremely well, enabling us to truly feel and experience his thoughts. Your writing style also reflects thought process – the mixture of longer and more eloquent sentences, with shorter, sharper ones, that mimic the erratic nature of our thinking.

There are some terrific, original descriptions in here – my favourite would probably have to be ‘by the time you’ve got in your bikini or Hawaii Shorts, the sun has stuck its two fingers up at Ireland and gone on holiday to Greece or Australia or anywhere that isn’t here.’ But overall, I like how you draw similes and descriptions back to your protagonist and his experiences – the nervous eyes reminding him of the deer he nearly runs into while driving, as an example.

I like the way that you develop Jack’s character, with increasing complexity. In chapter 1, in his observation of the ‘fat girl’ he appears so crude. But then in chapter 2, he is disconcerted by her lack of appreciation… His childish humour is also balanced starkly and contrasted against the brutal things he does as an assassin; almost as if he is able to kill because of the mere fact he doesn’t have much moral awareness or understanding, also like a child. Yet he is far from innocent; so the cycle goes around…

You infuse those elements about his past life nice and gradually, and leave little clues as we read. I really like this. Particularly the list in chapter 3; ‘My family, my mother, the grave, the killers, Sarah.’ Also in chapter 5 when Jack wakes up from the dream, and it’s all ‘fragmented and jaded’ → just like the fragmented insight we are given into his past, making us fit the pieces together, and keeping us as readers engaged as we want to find out more. I also like those dark undercurrents as Jack hates himself for 'walking away' and not following his heart. We often here things about 'not following our hearts' in flimsy romance novels; but the way you express it here is so deep and tumultuous.

At times I’d perhaps like a little more expansion of Jack’s emotions… for example in chapter 3 “I was jealous” → describe this to me more, about how he’s feeling? But there are only a few instances of this and the rest of your writing gives a pretty good insight into Jack’s thoughts and emotions, without explicitly stating anything!

One note about dialogue… should the sentences indented with < -- > be in quotation marks? I was a little confused to begin with, if this was dialogue!

Have a fabulous day and best wishes with this! :) Many stars :)
Cara

An excellent debut, dark undertones flow under the characters and position Jack as a loose cannon, ready and able to destroy almost anything in his path. His remit to go after his dad's murderers are just the catalyst for him to wreak revenge on individuals responsible for a life of torment and bitterness.
A broken childhood and bitter sweet memories of his deceased father and estranged mother and girlfriend add a hue of melancoly to the visceral violence and direction of the plot.
Highly starred, and looking forward with great anticipation to the resulting climax, with the added desire of Jack exacting the kind of revenge we would all like to read about.
Prepare the ambulance and the blood transfusions...

raw and powerful. this is not for light hearted

The voice I am listening to keeps me fascinated, and I want to run as fast as I can beside the narrator. The main character, flawed and more or less perpetually off his face, speaks a familiar and real life plot.
I get a sense of what he is going through, his emotions and feelings and his view from within his mind of what his life has become.
At the end of the second chapter I am hooked and really want him to destroy the people he is tasked to kill.
Vengeance is always a powerful drug and one which captivates this reader.
Well done Phil, a red hot searing entry into the underbelly of fiction writing.

second chapter, should be 'worst' when he bumps into the other lad whilst watching the red head.
Dialogue a bit long winded with his boss, but getting there;)

Just read first chapter.
In paragraph one, the reference to 'fine rain' seemed a bit out of place, given the Peter Kay connotations, and, personally, i'm always left pretty cold by desciptions of weather. At various times through the paragraph, the tense skips briefly between past and present.
Other than that? Fucking loved it. Gritty, daring, with the threat of violence and darkness lurking brilliantly right from the off. Will read more, it's quality stuff, and will keep on my WL to back at some point. High stars for now.

Hi Phil,

I only had time for the first chapter, and I'm not going to give a long-winded poncy critique pointing out possible errors or improvements. I like your tough voice, and there's not enough writers here who write this uncompromising kind of stuff. There's two writers here I can think of (and both very good) who write in a similar way. Nathan O'Hagan (at no.19), and Jue Shaw (100). If you haven't read any of their stuff, it might be worth checking them out, and I'm sure they'd show interest in your writing. Getting them on your side could raise your profile on the site.

Plenty of stars for an absorbing and undiluted read.

Pete

...okay...so you have me hooked from the first paragraph...curses! I'm supposed to be working on two separate projects this weekend...

Great stuff, fantastic beginning...

Cas

Powerful angry and raw! What a great first chapter . You have a real tallent for making the reader feel what you character feels. The tone was set from the very first line and it moved on like a freight train from there. I love to read a book that drags the emotion right out of me and this one fits the bill beautifully. Thanks so much for the read. High stars and best wishes on all your success. I have no doubt you will go far. This one is going to find a spot on my shelf next go around. Have a great day.

Wow! Inside Jack's head it is fast, red raw, angry and primitive. His vulnerability is boarded up and fiercely protected just like so many people in the world today. I am interested to see how he evolves as a character so I shall continue to read on. Like my own Diary of John Crow, this book won't suit everyone. But it is dark enough to feel its pulse through the pages. Well done Phil! I really like your style! Natalie

Phil,
I remember this as being much more disjointed. Maybe it’s just a second reading but it seems smoother to me, fewer zones of confused (drug-induced) thought, and the punctuation’s better. Jack comes over a more of a character and less of a zombie, and he has real interaction with real people (Jackie, Joe, Paula) rather than the skinhead and the young one in the DART who seem to inhabit the dark areas of his head rather than the real world.
The plot is easy to follow and Jack’s motivations become clearer. He rambles a bit, but you manage to keep his thoughts coherent even when he’s full of speed and alcohol, and he never rambles out of the range of understanding – quite a difficult one to pull off.

I still think that the dialogue between Jack and his boss in the pub is a bit long-winded. They both sound pompous to me. If you gave them shorter bites of speech it would sound less like sermonising. That’s just my opinion though.

You need to get rid of the numbers, they should be written in words.
Typo in Connoly – should be Connolly.

My opinin hasn’t changed – that this is a good piece of work, vibrant and dynamic. Good luck with it. Still top stars.
Jane

A few chapters in and I am kind of hooked (would read more but it's my 8 month old's bed time) It's exciting and engaging right from the start! On my WL and soon to be backed. Highly rated in the mean time!

this is no bedtime story, but a raw and rugged ride. it takes us from one corner to the next with great movement and is pieced together well. engaging book. not my usual genre, but this is excellent writing.
j
what every woman should know

I think you have the rare voice where the rules go out the window. You have sentences strung together with commas, no dialogue tags, no quotation marks, very long paragraphs, and for some reason, none of it matters. Not one bit. (Also worth adding that it comes off as intentional) Whenever I read good books I make comparisons and this very much reminded me of A Million Little Pieces by James Frey (who got a bad rap about the memoir lying thing but whatever, the book was good!). Gritty and shockingly crude but in a way that keeps the reader glued to their seats with their mouths hanging open. I have no idea what this guy's deal is yet, but I know I will keep reading to find out. I mean if you ran the first chapter through autocrit, the most overused word is probably fuck! So I mean this in a really good way, because it doesn't matter, that's how good the story is. And all the rule breaking/language adds to the vigilante feel of the book. I really enjoyed it!

Because I hate to just give positive feedback without any constructive crits at all:
I could not figure out what DART was - for the first half of the chapter, I thought it was code for this guy's unit or something. Then when he got on the bus, I had to go back and re-read with a different mindset. So, maybe clarify that? But that would be hard to do in the MC's voice....so good luck with that.

I've kept this on my WL to read on, keeping on the short list of books for my shelf. Really loved it.
KM

Paddy Nemesis is a real action-packed tale that takes us back into the gritty streets following a man who left them, but not before being forever changed by them. Author Phil Cone has done a great job putting together a mix of thriller and crime drama that will appeal to those who enjoy that type of genre.

The main character is very well described, and it’s easy to like him and even live vicariously through him as he goes on his various missions and has his inner-thoughts about what he is doing. I read all twelve chapters posted here and really enjoyed the ride. The first few are really action-packed and that is perfect for this type of book. If you don’t hook readers on the action right away, you will lose them. That’s not a problem here.

In terms of suggestions, there are a few really long paragraphs that should be broken up and broken down a bit. People who read this type of book are going to want short, choppy sentences and small paragraphs. It emphasizes the action. Seeing one paragraph go for the equivalent of one or two paper-back pages is far too much. It detracts from the action by its very construction. Easy enough to fix though.

Secondly, while I understood the dialog, I wonder why the author chose not to use traditional grammar structures for having people speak. No quotes are present, and there is no attribution at times to who the speaker is, which is really needed at the start of a conversation. You don’t need to identify a person each time in a back and forth talk, but you do need to let us know who the first person to speak is. There are times when I had to pause and look at the context to figure that out, and it just snags the reader in what otherwise is a free-flowing scene.

Paddy Nemesis is an enjoyable and heart-pounding tale. If you like books like this, you will find it a unique addition to your collection.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

This is really original and bold and great to read. The descriptions are amazing - the g string cheese thing will stay with me for sure! Paddy Nemesis is brilliantly named and thank god he does something good in this first chapter - if not for quite the right reasons!

Some of your paragraphs are a bit long. I needed to breathe at points but you weren't letting me. I think it might need a bit of editing but it is a stand out read. Off to put on my shelf.
Kate

An adrenaline rush from the first 4 chapters, well done Phil
The protagonist is very interesting and a lot more complex than I initially thought.
I want to read what will happen with Sarah and the people who are importing the drugs. It will certainly be a bad day for them.
Should def be on the editors desk
Can't wait to read more.
Good Luck

Jack is one seriously captivating character.
Unconventional, fresh and needed change to the Crime Thriller genre
A raw vision of Ireland, a perfect read.
Backed

Good Luck

A great start to the story.
I was worried at the beginning, due to the language, whether it would put some people off. I continued and was captivated by the main character. I also found great interest relating to the places in Ireland.
I find your writing to be raw and brutal, no matter what the action is at the time.
Really enjoyed what I've read so far.
Good luck with this!
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Dear Phil

In "Paddy Nemesis" you give us an edgy, manic protagonist with a warped sense of priorities, and sharp, well articulated chaos to go with it. Strangely, though much of your presentation is unconventional, it works. It suits your character so well, and conveys his lopsided humanity, as well as his chaotic lifestyle.

I found myself engrossed by your scenes, the logic in the mind of an assassin who is trying to do the right thing, but doesn't give a damn. A combination we often find in dark homour, but not so well expressed.

Give this a going over for presentation, for syntax, and I would say you have a great read, interesting and unusual.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Great read, Phil. Love the honest writing and, having recently been on a trip to that part of Ireland, I managed to absorb myself in it even more. Highly-starred.

Lee
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

Hi Phil, This is tense while channeling it to the protagonist's pleasures, giving a strong portrayal. The voice is consistent and also defines with his imagery and his attitude about women. When he says how he'd like to kill the terrorist Wankers, that really sets the tone and made me want to read on. There are some long paragraphs here that could be split to keep the reader aware of the development. Shelved - Katherine

This is a Beat Generation assassin, Gallery Six sociopath with a hole in his heart, a damaged Allen Ginsberg meets Charles Bronson singing detective. It's a drug-induced flow-of-consciousness defender of the flesh, Edgar Rice channeling William S Burroughs, J.D.Salinger's love child of the SAS and IRA, kneel, Cassady, Neal, Tom Palumbo writing in pictures, drawing in words, you don't know jack, Kerouac, get backed.

gritty and compelling, with an interesting main character. backed and starred however I would say you seem to suffer from the same problem as me with the long sentences making the writing a bit dense, I get pulled up all the time about it. (nothing that can't be rectified though and only important if you want to reach the ed desk ) I'm trying to break the habit and find reading it to myself out loud helps break the sentences down.
Look forward to reading more
regards
Sheila

Paddy Nemesis:

I like stories with the setting in Baile Átha Cliath as it keeps me informed (at least fictionally) what it’s like there, today. ;->

The story has lots of potential. Jack is an interesting and complicated character, but I thought the scenes in the train, with him oogling the girl, was a bit long, and I wondered if she will pop up again later?

You know how to write, but the long paragraphs and mixed tenses slowed me down. As there’s very little dialogue in the first chapter, I’m wondering what you’d think about putting some of the present tense sections in italics (and change some to past tense?) to show more clearly that these are his thoughts? And it would break up the sometimes long blocks of text by having shorter paragraphs?

There are also a fair amount of numbers which kinda jump out at me, whereas if you spell them they’d blend in naturally with rest of the text?

Do a search for ‘its’ and ‘then’, which should be it’s, and than. There are also some punctuation issues, other typos, and some tightening needed, but these things are all easily fixed.


O, in chapter two, your have '13 year old girls', which Kay supplies to the gardai. Change this to thirteen-year-old girls as it 'could' be mistaken for thirteen girls, who're all one-year-olds. :o.

Not an image you want to portray, eh?

Paddy Nemesis a good read, and when you do an overall edit it will read even better.

Well starred and in line for a backing.

Cáit ~ Reminiscing ~

Phil/Paddy
Can I just say that I have olnly read the first five chapters (had to stop after a while because I was too tired) and my God, I am totally blown away by the character.
He comes across as a sexist at first but then you see that he is what every woman needs, a saviour. He is blunt and brash and sexy.
His words cut through stone and I feel for him, a heartbroken man who needs a cuddle and to be told "its all ok".
He feels so life like, a genuine character in an unstable world and he justifys his near psychopathic behaviour by actually not being psychopathic.
He is judge, jury and executioner and a necessary man to have.
I actually find him sexy in a way which is so weird because I shouldn't.
I read a Jack Reacher book last month. On the back cover it stated "most men want to be him, most women want to be with him". I find now after reading your amazing book that this is incorrect. Jack Reacher is a hasbeen, a washed up character with no substance where the author has to explain every single piece of his actions due to not allowing the reader to think for himself. Jack Reacher is tepid, Jack Clancy is solid, tough, funny, cutting, political and is exactly what the bookworld needs.
Totally backed, 6 stars and I cannot wait to read more

Hi,

I just wanted to comment again, as I have backed this book since I read the first chapters some months ago. I saw much potential in it, and felt it could grow to be a brilliant work.

Now that you have written more, I find that the strength of the writing has not wavered. Jack is a complex character, and a true anti-hero. He has the courage to live by his own values, and although they can cross the line, his actions are morally-driven and don't deviate into psychopathy. He is brave - meting out justice as he sees appropriate.

I like the fact that you treat the reader as if they have a modicum of intelligence - It can be patronising when writers assume no one will know what they are talking about, so they explain minutiea.

Human beings are a complex kaleidoscope of different experiences and emotions. Jack is not one-dimesional, but a myriad of different cultural and life experiences. Sometimes the text can be sweeping - even poetic - but this is interspersed by cutting one-liners, and dark humour, which maken it more, not less real.

Keep it up at this rate, and you will have a guaranteed success on your hands.

Phil,

I found within your first chapter, a great hook for the story you describe in your pitch. Pity then, that there’s about five-thousand too many words for most readers to find it. After I digested the crux of the chapter, I became intrigued in your story. Here’s my critique then: get rid of the extra words that distract from your main character’s being “under cover” and tracking some dame that makes him drool. If you disguise your hook, most won’t find it in time to compel them to carry your work to the booksellers checkout desk.

Be careful about run-on sentences such as is found in the second paragraph. While they may be grammatically correct, they will also most certainly tax for the average reader’s comprehension and may cause him to put the book back on the bookseller’s shelf before giving it a fair chance.

What’s a DART? If it’s a transit system in the city, then a few words takes that distraction away.

I’d challenge you to not cheapen your storyline with tawdry passages such as you have written with the girl in the train unless your intention is to write porn (which judging from your pitch, I doubt it is). Direct the reader’s imagination to fill in the details by pointing them in the right direction, but avoid the temptation to describe those kinds of details in your prose. Also consider if this (or any passage for that matter) is germane to the story development. If it’s not, be ruthless in excising it.

Keep working at this story. It has a lot of potential to a "I can't put this book down" type of story.

tyler (The Paths We Chose)

Zap, thank you so much for your comments.
I hope you enjoy the rest of the read and I too hope it goes to the desk....gotta keep going :)

Paddynemesis,
I'm still reading and am so impressed with your pace, your energy, your moral arguments (which are true cats in a pidgeon-yard), your knowledge of reality, which is so warped that it turns out to be absolutely true, and your premise in general, where your hero has to rise as psycho-logic-analytical icon in order to revenge his father's death.

Golly, this is good stuff, and while I admired your descriptions and action before, I must say that the one-to-one dialogue is equally brilliant and lively. Your writing is consistent and full of fireworks and the hooks are great.
A pint of Guinness in one go without shamrock . . . genius! I hope this gets to the desk.

Ame

Paddynemesis,
I'm still reading and am so impressed with your pace, your energy, your moral arguments (which are true cats in a pidgeon-yard), your knowledge of reality, which is so warped that it turns out to be absolutely true, and your premise in general, where your hero has to rise as psycho-logic-analytical icon in order to revenge his father's death.

Golly, this is good stuff, and while I admired your descriptions and action before, I must say that the one-to-one dialogue is equally brilliant and lively. Your writing is consistent and full of fireworks and the hooks are great.
A pint of Guinness in one go without shamrock . . . genius! I hope this gets to the desk.

Ame

Nice introduction to your characters, that are well rounded and convincing.
The dialogue adds to your writing and fills out this well written piece.
Well-written ending to the chapters that I fell will entice readers to carry on into the next chapter.
I found this a very good read, which is easy to read.
Well done

nice pitch.... makes the reader read on
j
what every woman should know

Hi there,
well, well, well, what an explosion you've caused on your first page! There was me thinking he's about to have it away with the girl, and then it all turns out completely different. This is good stream-of-consciousness writing without any dialogue interrupting the flow. Of course, there is the inner dialogue and that's very revealing. I would have preferred a couple more space lines to interrupt the big chunks of writing here and there.

Frustration, anger, violence, hatred, all precede an act of misplaced galantry, and it is so believable, the way you describe the situation. The poor guy needs some loving and he's stuck with himself, his dealer and a pocketful of dreams. There is plenty of tension and at the end of the first chapter Paddy's need for change or something to calm his speed-paranoia is blatantly apparent. Where can he go from here? This is a good pseudo-hook and I shall read more. Backed.

Ame
Wolfmother

Hi Phil,
You've clearly poured your heart into this one!
First, Pedantry alert: At the end of your pitch Paddy has one choice (two options). (Sorry, can't help myself.)

I didn't know what DART is. Probably makes me ignorant, but so might other people be. Obviously it becomes clear but a little line to tell the reader you're in a train station, for example, would save early confusion ;)

This needs a comprehensive edit. Below are a few examples:
You need to straighten out your tenses.
"And I’m too lazy to even expand on the whole idea of it, apart from the fact that they are all wankers and eventually I’ll kill them all or die trying - packed with explosives and a dog-eared paperback of socialist theories sticking out of my back pocket." This is a non-sentence, really. You need a really good reason to start a sentence with 'and', 'but' or 'so'. Even so, this is too long. Possibly you want to think about the usefulness of the whole paragraph. It tells us lots about your hero, but not essentially, I think.
"make peoples days a misery. " missing apostrophe.
"Just to spread the love around." Another non-sentence - no subject.
"The top nearly reaches her hips skin then mini skirt. " Not sure this makes sense.
The drinking-in-Dublin backstory needs a new paragraph.
"Pretty funny, we all laughed, except Kerry." - another non-sentence.
"As the doors shut, I saw a skinhead waster in a shiny blue tracksuit and crap Reebok runners - face as white as the moon with Heroin red mascara round the eyes - remove himselffrom the shadows making a grab for her fleshy arm." - This sentence is key, I think, because it signals the beginning of the action, and it is too long and complex for the purpose. 
Please use speech marks for direct speech. Otherwise, each time, there is a split second alienation while the reader needs to think, is this speech, or narrative?
"No thanks - no point."- another non-sentence.
"not in the best mood after seeing my tambourine man, who wanted to bust my knee caps after what I did to his pal." - this confused me. Who has your hero seen?

You've created an interesting protagonist, but it is hard to sympathise with him. - for example I found the description of the woman on the DART too much and (personal opinion) offensive. Were I not returning a read I'd have stopped reading at this point. His total lack lack of empathy is clearly deliberate, but it does make it harder for you to hold your reader.
You have a dramatic turn of phrase, and a lively characterisation. Your - mostly- stream of consciousness style brings Paddy vividly to life and leaves the reader in no doubt about the vigour - and possible violence - of the  tale to come.

Good luck with this

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hmm Phil,

I've read the first chapter and haven't made up my mind yet about your book - the first half of the chapter I found a bit inaccessible - it felt more like "this is writing" rather than a character -but the second half -well, it was dynamite! Once you get into the action on the train, you got me hooked and very intrigued. I'd say go through the first part and speak it to yourself -would you speak it that way? I think it could be slimmed down both in terms of images and impact - I know you the character is an anti-hero but it just seems there is too much packed in there in the first paragraphs. The action on the train was great -I liked the sense of intrigue -why isn't he helping? And then the opposite extreme reaction -again showing the character through action, not explaining or overloading -letting the action speak for itself. If the opening momlogue is supposed to 'show' that he is wired on drugs - maybe cut the monolgue with a hint - a sniff -blow nose on tissue- something like that -again it would show his character and explain his personality and monlogue through an action....and the action would probably tell us more than the monologue. Lol -hope all this makes sense! I love theatre -and your opening seems like a theatrical monlogue -but the difference is in theatre we've got props, expressions and movement -your monologue has just words in isolation -I'm not sure if that total isolation is the best thing. This only imho -there are probably styles and writers out there I haven't read - just hope this review gives you a few things to consider. I'm reading on tomorrow - will send you more thoughts -and will probably rethink my response to the first part of the chapter!

Highly rated for now for originality and power

Best,
Kaal

PS some typo's need attending to ie spacing
Jackie

Brillient first chapter, looking forward to the rest.
Jackie
Lies and death
Sins of the past

I know this isn't the end, but PaddyNemesis has me feeling dead sorry for him. In a twisted, fucked-up world, he has his own set of values, but everything's relative and everything is ironic - and at this point I wonder if Jack is going to have a character arc, or is he a hamster on a treadmill? I'm reminded of Mark Rowe's 'HOWIE THE ROOKIE' - a monologue in very much the same vein, where you can only tell what he loves by the violence of his expressions. It's a tour de force, but for me, the pace and tone needs a bit of variation. Maybe a real, gentle talk with his kid - maybe not always the same kind of conversation with everyone, I know he has hidden depths, and it's time they began to make themselves felt. It's a bloody good read, all the same.