Never Sleep

Right, Vember Judgement, comment time!

Short chapters, sharp writing and a dramatic introduction throw the readers headfirst into 'Never Sleep', creating a fast-paced, easily-read story. I like the hybrid genres explored here (there must be some precedence for Chic Lit and Horror somewhere, the two are so awfully compatible!) and feel they are somewhat responsible for the original twist on an otherwise done-to-death concept. Those sisters are horrible!

Agree with the comments below that an edit would tighten up and smooth out the writing somewhat. You have a slight tendency for repetition of words within paragraphs, for example, which impedes the flow ever so slightly. An edit would catch this sort of thing and allow you to substitute repeated lexis for more appropriate/varied/powerful words.

Highly rated,

TJB

Your short pitch caught my attention and I was hooked after reading half of the first chapter. This is a fantastically disturbing piece of work and I love it.

'Never Sleep' reads like Chick Lit but it certainly is not. Quite a clever move to write something so dark in such an easy to read style!
This is a fast paced read that keeps the reader on their toes, never knowing what horrors may come next. You certainly put poor Carol through quite an ordeal! But no matter how sympathetic we feel towards Carol, it is the twisted sisters that steal the show. Tomiko and Tsyua leap off the page in all their screwed-up glory. Fantastic stuff.

I feel with an edit to tighten this up, this would certainly go places. I would buy this for sure and will be nailing it to my shelf as soon as I have space.

Fingers crossed I don't dream of rabbit masks tonight...

Simon,
Yuko Zen Is Somewhere Else.

Oh wow, I couldn't even begin to imagine staying up that long...in a wheelchair...bound in ropes with ants crawling on me. I'd loose it.

Backed and star rated Never Sleep. Great! Gives readers what they want: fast paced, action packed, ending each chapter with page turner. The first chapter does an excellent job of hooking the reader: Carol held captive, countdown on the clock, and telling her story on the camcorder. Chapter 2 captures is believable with behavior of students and girl fight. Good luck on Authonomy. Hope you will find time to take a look at our vampire thriller, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Short chapters help make this a fast read. Happy to back! Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

I love the short chapters. The pace is quick and the storyline is great. I was hooked immediately.
I have starred this highly and put it on my WL.
I shall back this as soon as I can.
I'm glad I read it at this time of the year--Halloween, scary stories etc.

Willie (Missing)

Never Sleep

Your pitches are good. I would only cut the words ‘in her home’ from the long one because it’s slightly ambiguous and not needed anyway.

You are completely right on this now that I look at it

Your writing is almost fully up to the job of telling this tale of horror. I did notice some ten or twelve errors as I went through that a good edit should pick up. For example: ‘being how tightly to’ and ‘stopped hard on the ground.’

Thank you, I have issues editing my own work, lol. I try my best.

Also I noted that your chapter 2 is identical to chapter 3, aside from layout. Some uploading error perhaps.

Aside from these minor things I note one structural problem that I think you should address. The introduction bit, a sort of prologue, is cast in the voice of your character Carol. Because of this it becomes problematical when the tale she tells includes details of the horrors visited on Derrick, How would she know all this?

I did think of this but because I wasn't strict in making it fully a 1st person account, but rather the reader looking through the window, I thought it was ok. this was something hat was brought up in the coming comic book version.

Never Sleep

Your pitches are good. I would only cut the words ‘in her home’ from the long one because it’s slightly ambiguous and not needed anyway.

OK this has the traditional psycho-killer type setting. Because of that, and because your reader knows what to expect from your pitch and from that introduction, I think you need just a little more care over how you have the girls behave, and especially what they notice in the beginning. I felt here and there that they had almost enough clue to get the hell outa there before they actually tried to.

Your writing is almost fully up to the job of telling this tale of horror. I did notice some ten or twelve errors as I went through that a good edit should pick up. For example: ‘being how tightly to’ and ‘stopped hard on the ground.’

Also I noted that your chapter 2 is identical to chapter 3, aside from layout. Some uploading error perhaps.

Aside from these minor things I note one structural problem that I think you should address. The introduction bit, a sort of prologue, is cast in the voice of your character Carol. Because of this it becomes problematical when the tale she tells includes details of the horrors visited on Derrick, How would she know all this?

Very good beginning. This had me intrigued from the very first line. Your writing has no problems, it flows, and it's entertaining to read. Your story is entertaining to read. I love the idea that Carol is strapped to a wheelchair and she has to stay up for 50 hours or 'they' will kill her. And it's almost October. People love reading scary books during this time. I just love reading scary books in general. One thing though you might want to up the hours just a notch. I think I had stayed up once for 40 hours and I was doing okay. I was doing a lot of activities so maybe that had something to do with . . . wait probably a lot to do with it. So maybe just mention quickly that how it's easier to fall asleep and faster to become tired if you're not doing anything. It just raises the stakes. But it's perfect as is. Definitely 6 stars. It's short, which for me is the number one thing I think all first chapters should be. Especially on this website. People will scroll down and not read something just because it's too long. I can't deny than I haven't done that. My entire book shelf has been changed recently so I would like to give them more time on it but I hope to give you some time on it if I can.

Read the first two chapters-lots of action! Original! Especially liked the opening scene. You have a creepy way of writing that raises the hairs on my neck and arms! Terrific job!
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Right, Vember Judgement, comment time!

Short chapters, sharp writing and a dramatic introduction throw the readers headfirst into 'Never Sleep', creating a fast-paced, easily-read story. I like the hybrid genres explored here (there must be some precedence for Chic Lit and Horror somewhere, the two are so awfully compatible!) and feel they are somewhat responsible for the original twist on an otherwise done-to-death concept. Those sisters are horrible!

Agree with the comments below that an edit would tighten up and smooth out the writing somewhat. You have a slight tendency for repetition of words within paragraphs, for example, which impedes the flow ever so slightly. An edit would catch this sort of thing and allow you to substitute repeated lexis for more appropriate/varied/powerful words.

Highly rated,

TJB

Your short pitch caught my attention and I was hooked after reading half of the first chapter. This is a fantastically disturbing piece of work and I love it.

'Never Sleep' reads like Chick Lit but it certainly is not. Quite a clever move to write something so dark in such an easy to read style!
This is a fast paced read that keeps the reader on their toes, never knowing what horrors may come next. You certainly put poor Carol through quite an ordeal! But no matter how sympathetic we feel towards Carol, it is the twisted sisters that steal the show. Tomiko and Tsyua leap off the page in all their screwed-up glory. Fantastic stuff.

I feel with an edit to tighten this up, this would certainly go places. I would buy this for sure and will be nailing it to my shelf as soon as I have space.

Fingers crossed I don't dream of rabbit masks tonight...

Simon,
Yuko Zen Is Somewhere Else.

This is a priceless find and right up my street, but how can you mix chick lit with horror LOL now that will put the blokes off. Love what ive been able to read so far, will be back when done browsing

Thank you two for the corrections, and for enjoying it so far^^

Your pitch and premise intrigued me so I happily shelved, Never Sleep. Having enjoyed the first few chapters I’ve star rated and will continue to back the book.

These are a few things I noticed.

Chapter one is a fabulous opening chapter. It sets the scene for the story and intrigues the reader with the premise of what's to come. You feel instantly sympathetic towards your main character.
Chapter two. Although the dialogue is very natural, I found it interrupted too much by tags and description. Personally I found it stilted the flow slightly. Perhaps the word 'bitch' is used a few too many times.
Chapter three. As chapter two re-dialogue. Third paragraph, 'of' should be 'off'. 'Tall angry young dark skinned black woman' you don't really need quite so many descriptions.
I hope this helps, I will continue to read and with a bit of polishing this is going to be great.

Thorne Turner.
The White House.

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: A gripping start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... indicating that the time was 2:58am. '2:58am' should be '2:58 a.m.'
2) 'She glanced over to the partially bordered up window ... ' 'Bordered' should be 'boarded.'
3) "I'll tell you everything that lead up to this ... " 'Lead' should be 'led.'
4) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Jesus Christ Adrianna, you're only 16, ... " Comma after 'Christ.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas. Also, spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers.
2) Hylphenate 'thirty four.'
3) 'Her blood boiling' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresher way.
4) ' ... the sickening sound of Beth's shinbone braking in half.' 'Braking' should be 'breaking.'
5) "You're not very nice." the Asian girl said ... Comma after 'nice.'
6) ' ... she had not really been as affected he news as the rest of town.' Substitute 'by the' for 'he.'
7) "You touch Carol or any other girl that's not me ... " That's should be who's. Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it is worthy, consider putting it on your Authonomy bookshelf?

Have a fabulous day.

Al