Snort and Wobbles

Hi Will,
here for our reading swap, no pressure to return quickly, I know you're busy at the moment.

This is lovely. The 'voice' of Wobbles comes through the third person narrative beautifully, a trick that is hard to master, I know. Wobbles feels authentic and charming, I like being in her shoes and seeing things from her point of view. At times I thought the paragraphs were a little too short, which slowed the pace a little, but it might suit readers in your age range to have them short, so that's your call entirely!
This all feels delightful and well pitched for the age group.
Also, talking of pitches, I like your short and long one. Perfectly pitched pitches!! Intriguing and enticing.
Can't find any fault with it. It's not the sort of age group which you use a lot of descriptive prose for, so you've got the balance right and the story moves along nicely. It's just the sort of thing my 6 year old is reading.
Great title too. 5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

CWB crit, Chap 5: Snort and Wobbles

Wobbles is a very cute name. the fairy’s dialogue is smart-alecky and fantastic.

Why is Dad looking under rocks if he has a missing child? I’ve had kids go missing before and the ‘rocks’ thing never struck me as an option.

She opened it a crack to listen to the voiced---should be voices.

Problems with the dialogue are mostly related to style and scenery as opposed to mechanics. For instance, as a reader, I can’t see any of the things going on while people are talking. Take a look at that peeking through the cracked door scene. We have Talking Head Syndrome, needles ‘was’ing. We understand that Mum’s worried, but you’re already shoving it down our throats.

Why don’t the parents take her to a relative or neighbor? Surely the idea of her going in search of her brother would occur to them.

Wobbles heard the door open and close loudly. No commas necessary. But you might want to change iut to “the front door slammed”

If Dreamcatcher is the fairy’s name, you don’t need a ‘the’ unless it’s a truly pretentious creature.

Dreamcather sniffed loudly in disgust. You can try “pouted”, “sniffed disgustedly”, “snorted”. You can also say it crossed its tiny luminescent arms over its chest with one derisive, “Hrrumph!”

Rose Bush should wake up and speak on the same line—no need to separate her actions and dialogue into separate paragraphs. Try giving these fantastic creatures more personality—not the same one repeated.

What’s with the ‘whilst’s?

I’m wondering if these chapters are a bit long for as young as you seem to be targeting the piece.

Try perking up the language and making the characters a bit more individual. Also, I'd appreciate if her parents weren't such morons.

It must be a terrific discipline writing an adventure for children. Having read the pitch and chapter three, top marks for the gentle simplicity of the language and the paciness of what appears to be a well-crafted story.

When Mrs James begins to read the class a special story about dragons I wanted to know at least something about it. (This is what I’d call a plot hole.) Does the story happen to have a moral, sorry, I mean a point? Are dragons generally misunderstood, perhaps, or truly vermin? Some précis, if you please, mister.

I noticed a mere handful of minor excrescences relating to syntax which slightly dulled the Voice for me, but that’s probably neither here nor there and best left to the line edit.

I liked the device with Miss Leech’s curiosity, and many others, but I thought Rose Bush popped up a bit sudden and wasn’t properly introduced. I can see how she’d be a bit prissy or prickly so, as with the others, very nice work on the characterisation.

Good job, Will.

What a relief -- no violence, no blood, no guns, no killing... .

This is a fun story, filled with well-rounded, colorful characters, voices perfectly matched to personality. I especially like Kenny, the kilted dwarf.

I´m not sure what a Dreamcatcher is, but I love its voice as well.

All the time I was reading, the song Pop the Magic Dragon rang in my head -- I wonder why.

Well done Will. I´ve six-starred you and am keeping Wobbles on my w/l for future shelvings.

Elina
CLASH

CWB-1
Well, Will, I quite honestly have no critique to give you on this one.
It's a children's tale -- and a well-told one at that. The character (Lisa/Wobbles) develops well, but there's enough ambiguity that any child could easily imagine themselves in her shoes. There are a few typographical errors, but that's neither here nor there at this point.

I apologize that I have nothing to offer.

Chapter 6 Review

Since this is young adult, I won't make a big deal out of the unnecessary adverbs: (closed, firmly) (yelped,loudly)

Kenny yelped loudly, and the three goblins (who) stood beside the cage, all laughed nastily. (you could cut "all" since you already said "the three")

"as they saw two policeman walk open the kitchen door" This was a strange sentence. Walk open?

This was good. You might have gotten away with even more description. The smell of the goblins's beard for one. I don't think you can overdo detail in a children's story. Well, you could, but your safe if you want to add some flare.

Chapter 1 review for CWB

A quite cute beginning for a chapter. I have to say though you might want to change her age. It might help to lower it down to say six. It would make some sense. Also in one of the paras I notice you have the word though mispelled which it reads out as the word tough.

I generally like thisand it is a funny, quaint little read.

The part with the dad and the singed eyebrows is hilarious. I loved it and giggled out loud. =D

All in all I hope to read this to my son one day when he is able to get into a longer story.

I had a feeling that what she found next to the stream would be there.You pulled it off perfectly.

-Eloravelle

Actually, just one other thought - to me, the title would roll of the tongue better as 'Wobbles and Snort'. Just me, perhaps.

Hum.

Actually, just one other thought - to me, the title would roll of the tongue better as 'Wobbles and Snort'. Just me, perhaps.

Hi Will

This is well written for the intended age group. The words are just big enough to challenge them, but not too big that they'll just get confused. Wobbles, particularly, should be very relatable to children. What I did notice were fairly small:

The very first paragraph doesn't read very smoothly. From the second sentence on, it feels like it should all be one sentence, but it is put into four.

Older readers can guess that her brother called her Wobbles because she was unsteady on her feet, but the younger audience might need that explained.

There are a couple of other instances where a little side-note makes a sentence read less than smoothly; perhaps you could use a hyphen. For example '- well they were then they belonged to Wobbles-'.

How old is Jeremy? I don't think it says. I was wondering as I read if an older brother would really do things like throw ketchup-covered chips at his little sister. Generally, children around that age seem to take care of their younger siblings - it's not until the teens that they are unpleasant to each other, usually.

Lastly, you use 'mister Tremble' and then 'Mr Tremble' - it needs to me consistent.

That is all I noticed - although I suppose the reveal of the dragon could have a sentence or too added to it, perhaps to say how she wasnt sure at first or something. It is well written and will do well - as you already know, since your others are getting published :)

I have read the first chapter, and think the story is fun. It needs a lot of work, though. In the first line, you say tomorrow she was eight. She will be eight. Also, you might consider losing some (all) of the passive voice. Don't capitalize words in the middle of the sentence like home, bar, que, barbeque. Be consistent. Mister, then Mister, then Mr. Use all Mr. or Mister.

As I said, I like the story. Kids will love it. Peggy51

Hello, I have read through this opening chapter. It is well aimed at your intended readers, being a teacher I can imagine using it to read in class. It is funny and all children will be able to relate to your characters. I just have a few comments for now, that I picked up on.
'Jeremy had once had a big stuffed toy spider' - I think if you changed this to - Jeremy used to have a big toy spider, it clears out the repetition of 'had' and the over use of adjectives. It doesn't matter that it was stuffed, it's not important.
Also 'Lisa, you know (that) you are not supposed to go down there...' - omit the word 'that'.
and 'Stay away from the BBQ' mum warned - I think the word barbecue should be written out here as it is her dialogue, and she wouldn't actually call it a BBQ.

That's all for now, but I will be back!

Mae

Hello,

I like your character, Wobbles, and you have some interesting parts to your story that would appeal to the younger reader. With some minor changes to "show" rather than "tell" the reader about the creepy neighbour or what it feels like to be celebrating your "first" eighth birthday (interesting!) would help to draw a young reader further into your story.

I am looking forward to watching this climb up the ladder and onto the ED :)

Hi Will, just read the opening of Snort and Wobbles and found it very entertaining and on the whole well written.

The pitch is delightfully enticing, reaching out to children – and some adults – and drawing them in.
The opening in chapter one is great, bringing over Wobbles’ character almost at once: An excited little girl, about to celebrate her eight birthday. Somehow one gets the impression straight away that Lisa is a nice child, whilst her brother is a bit of a “scally” as they say in Liverpool.
Nitpick: ...the nickname had spread slowly around. I think the syntax is a bit off here and this should read: ...the nickname had slowly spread around.
...as Dad had (had) to leave early for work. Technically there’s nothing wrong with this, but it just sounds and looks clunky. Suggest leaving it at one “had” as in: ...as Dad had to leave early for work. It says the same thing, but flows better and it doesn’t really matter if Dad left for work sometime ago, or is about to leave.
Syntax and repetition: She cheered up (though) at school, when all the class sang “Happy birthday” (to her). (Her) best friend sang (her) name ...especially loud... Whilst this conveys a nice image, it’s a bit wordy. Suggest: She cheered up at school though, when all the class sang Happy birthday. Her best friend sang her name...especially loud... This reconstructed sentence cuts out one of the “hers,” places the word “though” after the word “school”, which makes the sentences less jerky.
Typo: Wobbles did as he said, (ad) a big grin spread across her face...
Typo: ...even (tough) they didn’t exist...
There, looking out at the stream from a hole in the bank... was a small green dragon! Great way to end the chapter, giving the impetuous to read on.
This was a wonderful opening, with a light style that will engage young readers. Just one more comment, there’s an awful lot of glaring going on – nothing wrong with that, particularly between the siblings - but I suggest you vary the actual word with: glowering, dirty looks, frowning and so on, just to ease the repetition. Backed.

'If you couldn't get excited over your first eighth birthday'- hehehe!!!

I like the tone of this. Wobbles sounds wonderful!

little typos= 'ad a big grin' should be 'and a big grin' and 'even tough they didn't exist' should be 'even though...'

I love the voice. It made me want to go and find a child that I could sit on my lap and read this book to. Hope it does well for you. Rated highly.
PS your short pitch is a winner too.

You begin with a very authentic voice. You capture the language and mindset of a kid while still maintaining the type of story-telling necessary to grab a kid's interest. There's a light-hearted, subtle humor that will appeal to the target age group. It's well crafted in that regard. I love "Wobbles wasn't sure what a python was, so she didn't know if she had to be scared or not." I also think it's great that some days she likes certain characters, while other days she doesn't. This feels real to me.

I like that you begin with conflict. It's not overblown or full of action, but it's a very relevant conflict for the target audience. Sharing your birthday celebration with a new home celebration? Going to school on your birthday? Knowing the creepy neighbor might be there? I remember these sort of things were a big deal back then! Very authentic story-telling.

I love that you tied in her love for dragons early to foreshadow the coming events. The way you ended the chapter was also solid. Kids have short attention spans, and you introduced the dragon at the perfect spot.

One thing I would suggest working on is showing instead of telling. I know she's only eight, and maybe that's how an eight-year-old talks, but I believe you can work in more showing without compromising her voice.

Minor typos: Missing a comma on "Oh, thank you, Mummy" Wobbles said... Should be though instead of tough in "even tough they didn't exist any more."

In the end, it was hard not to fall in love with Wobbles and her story. This was well-written and perfectly targeted for the age group. Well done!

I have to agree with Sam and Lisa - epic win! I was giggling so much as I read that my husband started giving me funny looks. And as we're always telling Rachael to close her mouth (because she goes around with it hanging open half the time), I rather liked that Snort was always telling Wobbles to close hers.

It was a big hit with my two kids and I can't wait to read the rest!

Lovely story, Will . . . I believe Wobbles is my favorite! : )

As in Sam's words . . . EPIC Win!

WIll, WIll WILL, I love it .

Hi Will, this interested me as I was pasting the link onto our children's crit thread. Snort and Wobbles is a brilliant title! Your pitch is so funny and I just had to read the story. So far I've read all of the first chapter and I enjoyed it very much. Children will be enraptured by the dragon and funny little Wobbles! You've got the language geared just right for your young target audience, and I love the way the reader gets right into Wobbles' head. The only things I would say is that some of the dialogue isn't as natural as it could be. Also, it's coming from the viewpoint of a little girl, so she'd probably say, for example, 'wouldn't' instead of 'would not'. I'll give you some examples:
'Big brother Jeremy threw a chip...when he thought that the teachers were not looking...' I'm not sure about 'Big brother Jeremy'. It sounds a bit old-fashioned. Maybe just Jeremy? Also, (if you're using Word, click on 'find' and do a search of the word 'that' in your manuscript. It's a handy tip I picked up. Apparently sentences run more naturally without 'that' in them. '...the teachers were not looking' - I'd change 'were not' to 'weren't' because it sounds more like something a child would say.
"Wobbles was not so sure, and said so." Maybe 'wasn't' would sound better?
"Lisa!" Mum shouted. "You know that you are not allowed to go down there on your own." I think it sounds more natural like this: "You know you're not allowed down there on your own."
Of course this is just my opinion. Feel free to ignore these last points :D

Two words:

EPIC WIN!

:)

I didn't notice the european expressions, but I wouldn't I suppose. Over here, they either change any Americanisms, or don't bother - kids cope and quite like 'exotic' words etc. I liked this read. I think it could be fine for 6+ and your characters are appealing and the family cosy and pleasant.

I think you have the vocabulary and sentence length just right, and just enough teasers without giving things away. Giving you appropriate stars.
Cariad.

I love this, it made me laugh, and my seven year old is dying to know what happens next....

A charming story, Being a writer for this age group, you have done a wonderful job. Now i can see some of your european expressions that might confuse the American reader a little, but that is trivial. When you edit this you will find some minor mistakes and some repeat words( had had) when her father left work and couldn't open her presents. But a very welll done story so far as i have read.

JJ Marro
Magic of the Frogs