Ritual

A good read. Thanks, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

This is the quintessential (sp?) horror story. Bravo! You're great a setting a mood and keeping a great pace. Happily shelved.
Jeanne (Dark Angel)

A single ominous word. Time.
Break this would make a good short prolog. It feels out of place somehow at the first. It is a brilliant opening but the change is sudden and unexpected.
The rest of it I love. And the title is great and the cover rocks.
Shelved.

Spooky and atmospheric with a rattling pace and plenty of tension in the narrative. Backed for giving me an enjoyable creepy read !

This story grabbed me from the first to the last. Lots of good spooky and mysterious stuff going on. Excellent characters, and I love how the weather both sets the mood and is another character in a way, an evil one.

Your style of writing reminds me of one of my favourite horror writers: Ramsey Campbell.

You'll be going on my shelf.

I got religion reading this. Have you any idea how many times I started in my chair foaming an oath over my lips?

Deliciously creepy.

I 'listed it, and now I'm going to go hide beneath the covers. I'll read the rest in daylight!

Best--
BA

I absolutely love this.

Fantastic.
I have no crits, none. You had me hooked in right away, and I'm one of those people who really like to see a few different characters so this did it for me.

Creepy, great pace, just enough description without overdoing it, and I can see and hear the characters.

Shelved.

Lorrii

Brilliant. Superb. Glad I've got the lights on!

From the first moment; the hit and run, the drunk and the presence in the room, you had me. The second chapter and the carnival, followed by the girl with the broken neck in the street, sheer creepiness. Loved it!

There were a couple of typos, and phrases for instance:


"donned in a yellow and red costume", I thought that someone donned a costume, but that's nitpicking. I'm going for a hot cup of tea, and maybe I'll just dim those lights a bit. Definitely shelved!

Cheers

Rayo

You made me jump!

This is a wonderfully written, atmospheric horror story and the writing keeps you gripped in its deathly embrace. This is an unrelenting claustrophobic depiction of a seaside town under assault from the supernatural and I loved it.

As you know, horror is my bag and I have seen countless ghosts, laughing clowns and strange mysterious music ~ but somehow, despite my familiarity with them, you still managed to make Bill's encounter in the bedroom so scary that when my phone rang I literally jumped.

Your writing drips with creepy tension and although some comments are mentioning David as lacking empathy, I recognise that in horror it is commonplace to have a protagonist that needs to develop from a thieving, lying murderer to something well, probably just as bad. But that's horror! Actually I had some sympathy for him ~ he makes some bad decisions but underneath there is a huge amount of emotion and empathy just because you have drawn his character so well.

One of the difficulties in when mixing omniscient with 3rd person is being able to convey character when one switches to so many in a short space of time. But you've done an amazing job with Ray, David and the other secondary characters. Bill only lasted a few pages but I sat under his skin comfortably enough to fear his death.

The set-pieces are outstanding. Bill's death and David's bathtime stay in the memory long after reading and the grimy tattered seaside town is beautifully drawn. The mysterious carnival and parade also work wonderfully and I loved the encounter with the fortune-teller (again another set-piece that I have seen a million times, but you created it with new twists: the paper catching fire and the fact you didn't place the sex of the seer).

There are a few errors that have crept into the writing which would need fixing before it was published, but nothing major. I think you handled the genre conventions very well ~ from the pov to the careful use of descriptive prose. This is horror you can really get your teeth into and I have no hesitation backing it. It would also make a wonderful screenplay! Good luck and keep plugging it on Authonomy!

Here are some things I noticed as I read:

- "brutal leaving David no option" needs a comma after brutal I think.
- "spell disaster pending the next few days at sea." Would be better in Bill's voice I think...consider having him ruminating about his sea days and what he'd heard rather than narrative voice.
- "centring" I think this should be "centering" even in British English, but I'm not sure.
- "back ground" is one word
- to mill should be to mull
- "some old song, that" unnecessary comma
- "too old with concerned" should be 'concern'
- six hours later he would be awake...strange change of tense, could this be "six hours later he awoke"?
- "Ray back away" should be Ray backed away
- I'm not sure "sauntered" is right for Ray as he was walking reluctantly just before, saunter is too casual and calm isn't it?
- "the door was just front" should be "the door was just in front"
- "The Fishermen" as this is group noun, doesn't need title case - "The fishermen"

Hi Mary,
I finally got round to your book on my watchlist…sorry it's taken so long.
Overall, this is a good read – gripping, mysterious and ghostly. Here are a few comments having read ch1:
I thought David was over-reacting rather, calling Karen a She-devil. But then, I thought Karen was strange to have announced her pregnancy to her friends before her lover. Can't say I like either of them very much at first view. However, I do like Ray, with his reluctance to throw an old cloth away and the references to his history. Nice detail.
Because I didn't take to either Karen or David, I probably wouldn't have read on and discovered Ray if I'd been choosing books in a bookshop. Is there any way you could start with this more sympathetic (in my opinion) character? Perhaps you put David first because his part is more dramatic?
I like the way you hint at Bill's departure when in David's POV. Nicely subtle. I also think that you slip from one POV to another naturally – no mean feat!
Some copy-editing remarks:
Reptition: '…brutal, leaving David no option but to leave'. Typo: 'brake' not 'break', surely? Landlord is misspelt in part where David arrives at the Raven's Head.
I'll read on some more later and see how I get on with David.

Great start. I read through the first chapter and truly enjoyed it.

I'm not sure about the Gdnn! Gdnn! that you go to in the first part of the chapter. I would consider revising that.

The text can be tightened up a bit but overall a VERY strong piece.

I'm backing it.

If you haven't had the chance to do so please give Rerun a read through:http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?pg=4&bookid=4441

Best wishes and good luck.
-Chris

hey mary

great start. the prolo's great, the first ch from daves pov too. the fact you cant like him works fine.

hitting trhe girl handled perfectly, him driving on makes you really hate his guts. deserves to DIE!

"he was a scum" shouldnt that be he was scum?

class c drugs are which ? e? dope? cant remember.

coming on nicely.

great if you had time to look at my (thriller but not horror) effort, happy to reciprocate comments/backing.

Good luck!

Freddie

I really enjoyed the excerpt I read! The writing is very solid and the story dark and mysterious. You drew me in immediately with that great opening paragraph. I especially loved the recurring Gdmn! Gdmn! Sort of like Nevermore! Very haunting. SHELVED! These are all very picky notes and all subjective so I don't know how helpful they'll be. Yet, here they are:
1. Very gripping opening paragraph. I can see it and feel her fear. Consider making the final sentence, “The chase would not end until they had her.”
2. “It had been three and a half hours...” Small point but consider removing the “and a half” unless it’s really important. It slows the sentence down a bit.
3. DJ was reluctant as David to face the nineties chart. Great line! Just wondering if it we’re now in the nineties rather than present day. I’ll read on and see…
4. The fallen rocks. It sounds like the fallen rocks were key in David’s accident so I think we need to see those when he does, then feel his panic, then see his action. We can follow it better that way (right now we see his fear and reaction before knowing it was due to the rocks).
5. “near on a full circle”--don’t think you need that
6. I don’t know what “class C” drugs are -- maybe I’m not supposed to.
7. “He was a scum and had spent many years perfecting his persona.” I just wonder if this sentence is necessary. We feel like we’re inside David’s head thanks to your great storytelling. We’re really getting to know him so you may not need this line. Plus, it feels more like the narrator talking than David.
8. As well as “strangers.” Maybe “tourists.”
9. Every door a squeak and every table a wobble -- great detail!
10. despite the addition of the… may not need that phrase.
11. “crows to a corn field” That’s a great analogy but consider using one that includes a disgusting smell like “flies to dung” or some such.
12. Breakfast for one in the morning -- love that.
13. Consider writing “but his own bed had been calling for the last half hour.”
14. “Could be heard” -- I don’t think you need it.
15. Fortune teller held out “its” palm. Seems like you should write “his” or “her”
16. Fortune teller says “we” -- interesting.

Oh, one more comment, the paragraph that begins "Wisps of rain." It seems that the first and second sentences could be combined somehow so you're only speaking of the rain once.
Great work!

Chapter 2 - 'parameter' or 'perimeter'?

In the bar, there's a 'there' when I think you mean 'their'.

Mary, this is such a compelling read. You really create a cloying atmosphere of dread. Your evocation of a decaying seaside town is quite something, and with the addition of the supernatural, the terror which seems to stalk everywhere, what you've got is one of those reads that really sucks the reader in.

Writing really good horror is not easy. Two chapters in and my flesh was creeping - if you can sustain, and build, that kind of tension then you've got a helluva yarn, here. It's not something that I'd normally read (I enjoy a good chiller, don't get me wrong, it's just that in the real world I hardly ever read fiction), but I found myself thinking of this as something I might pick up on holiday: a little bit of escapism.

But, to be fair, the atmosphere you create, your descriptions (I even sniggered at the colours of the hotel), the characters and the dialogue, all warrant a shelving.

Best of luck (don't have nightmares!) -

Simon

Just stopping after chapter 1 to say - hey, this is good.

I'm not sure what I feel about the short, opening 'prologue'-type thing (a 'teaser', we'd call it in television) - I tried reading the rest of the chapter as if those first few paragraphs weren't there, as if we go straight into David in his car, and I feel that might work better. You've got such an engaging, chilling, well-paced and gripping first chapter that maybe the opening bit isn't necessary.

You put 'break' instead of 'brake' when David's skidding.

Overall, though, this is well-written, and the dialogue works very well indeed. I'm impressed, intrigued, and I'm going to read on.

Simon

Wow - I love the pace and action, and just filled with mystery. Great. Sorry, but I'm absolutely swamped and don't have time to load this site often.

You are a brilliant writer - sorry, I can't get to read more. Will put it on my watchlist.

Julie

Your pitch is really good Mazza, clear AND very mysterious. The accident at the begining took me right into David's feelings - the instinct to run from something terrible that has happened - to make it go away, is really well conveyed. And I continued being drawn into this dark world. I was really upset when the jester turned out to have been a dream, but referred back to the pitch for reassurance. And the tarot card reader! And fire. Fire is such a brilliant element, in tarot, astrology etc. The tension keeps on building, as does the darkness of the mystery. As you know I have already backed Ritual, but will go on reading to find out more. I long for the sea!

This is dark and promises to get darker. I too like dark. I will back Ritual.

Hi Mary, I have read two chapters and feel I should now leave you some comments. I try to be as honest as I can with my comments and expect the same in return, as I'm sure you too would like things to be done. Please bare in mind that these are "In my opinion" and may not necessarily be important to you.

First off your story "for me" seemed to move very slowly. (For me.) I wanted to get into it and have myself a jolly-good romp in a fellow horror writers mind but found myself wanting.
Below are some edits you might want to consider, they are meant as help, please ignore them if you wish.

I don't understand why David lied to the policeman about his name, unless I missed something!

"David sauntered along the parameter..." Did you mean perimeter?

When the landlord knocked and entered David's room and told him "Guests vacate their rooms by ten-thirty Mr Newton." I became slightly confused. As I am the reader I feel I should have been privy to their introduction the night before, perhaps just a short scene of landlords rules, pricing and a quick tour of David's room. As the reader I felt left out of the story.

You say "David pulled his t-shirt up over his mouth and nose, picked up his jacket and left the room." Was david putting on or taking off his t-shirt? From your description I got the impression he was removing his t-shirt.

You're speaking formally and informally with the character 'North' sometimes he says 'You' others he says 'Yer'. This tends to get confusing.

You say... "David sped up, grateful for a break in the weather and eager to get inside." Later David is claustrophobic and hates being inside." Again confusing to the reader.

"That or long term affects..." Should be "...long term effects."

Please don't see the above as negative, it is a positive response to try to improve your work Mary. I will watchlist this for now as I have no space on my shelf as yet.

Mary, again I hope you find the above of some help to you, I haven't pointed everything out, just the ones I felt were more important.
Best of luck,

Mark A L

Now I’m back from vacations – a happy new years to you by the way – and I have read your story as I said.

I’m an old Stephen King-fan, so this kind of story gets me going directly. I don’t read much horror nowadays, but Ritual kept me up all night before Xmas eve.

I like it, a lot. But in comparison to the Kind (Stephen, that is) I miss out on something. Something which makes me connect with the people I’m reading about. You hint dark secrets in everyone’s history, and that makes it worth reading, but I need something here and now to make me like (or dislike) the present person.

I can’t tell you how to do that. I know that Stephen King uses a lot of “minor ticks” to make the people “alive”. He finds a trademark for each of his characters, like asthma, scratching, strange clothing etc.

I hope I get my point through, what I suggest is just the third layer of polish: the book is – as it is right now – really a good read. But to make it all the way to the shelf (the real one, that is) I would suggest something similar.

All the best!

//N.N

(If you feel up to it, I would love if you read my protégé Karl’s book The Evil People. http://authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=3177)

Quick note to say I love the new pitch!

Hi Mary--I’m back. I see you’ve changed the opening--I liked the original, but this version is just as black and with an even hookier hook (and Celeste does seem to be central to the story)! Picked up where I’d left off and read till the end--what a place to end btw (was rather hoping to find out what had happened to Ray)! Still love the way you alternate between characters and how the multiple threads of their respective stories intertwine and cross and recross. I really liked: your titles (and subtitles) and the way they relate to chapter content; Mr Jennings’ death; and the comic relief in chapter 8 (especially Mark’s discomfort at the smell of his socks, Olan’s cheerful character/repartee and Betsy’s remark about the fate of the postman). Loved: “I’m just going to pop outside to powder my lungs.”; “Even the sea seamed to be struggling to move.”; “You can’t fool me! You’re wearing your business voice.”; and the hook on the end of chapter 6.
I did notice a few typos: chapt 6 “His headed was crowded”, and chapt 8 “sales man”; “christian” (capital). Finally, I’ve never really seen a “Buddhist monk” scurrying (they always seem to proceed in a more decorous fashion or perhaps I’m thinking of the Dalai Lama!); I think that the sentence that starts with “Every shop front seemed anomalous…”--opening para of chapter 7 is a bit confused; and at the end of chapt 7, you describe the creature as both walking and dancing in the same sentence.
Hope these comments help, good luck with the editing and I wish you all the best (including success!) in 2009.

Hello Mary, I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. This may not be my genre of choosing, but I have to admit I enjoyed the first 2 chapters. It has a sinister edge to the writing I found quite compelling. I shall shelve it briefly to help you climb the charts.
Nicky
C&C

Not my normal read, but I'm hooked. A start that grabs the attention, and it carries on into an intriguing and dark plot. I like the way you have alternated between characters.
Best of luck

Gerry

Hi Mary, Thanks for the kind comments about 'Entertaining Vilignal'. I've finally read the first two chapters of 'Ritual', and I can see we're very like-minded in the stories we like to tell! I'd echo the praise you've already received regarding how creepy and atmospheric your story is - it flows well - interesting characters with realistic dialogue - and I really like the scene with the dead girl in Chapter 2! Noticed a few minor typos in Ch 2, though I only wrote down a couple of them: '...making there thirsty presence known' and 'the long-term affects' (I'm pretty sure it should be 'effects'). I'll hopefully be back to read more soon! - R. (P.S. I don't suppose you recall any of the typos you'd noticed in 'Vilignal'? Because I'd really like to fix them up...)

Hi Mary
You asked if the first chapter has the hook and I would say yes, without a doubt. I want to know more about the girl that 'visits' Bill - who is she? Where has he seen her before? Is she the girl that is running away at the beginning? Is she the girl that David knocks over? As for Finch - AGHHHH - I'm not sure if I want to know! He had the hairs on my arm standing on end....
The character of David also offers a hook. I want to know what happens to him but also whether he is going to redeem himself.
The opening is great - all action and every sense used (apart from taste i think!). No messing about which I really like as I must admit I can be quite an impatient reader if there's too much description. I also like the way you jump from David to Ray to David and then Bill. I like stories that move between characters - it keeps me interested.
I'm particularly interested in David's character and like the way I'm torn between wanting to like him because he's the protagonist and so I feel he should have my sympathy and feeling replused by him because he left the girl (possibly) to die in the road. I think leaving the reader uncertain about him is a good ploy. Which leads me to one thing that jarred with me - and that was when you say 'he was scum and he'd spent many years perfecting his persona etc'. At this stage I was still weighing up how i felt about him and I didn't want to hear anyone else's opinion of him. It was too concrete - I liked being unsure about him.
I love the line 'the open road had been his for some time now and he was showing his appreciation at eighty-five miles an hour.'
Overall I think a good first chapter - creepy, atmospheric, good strong characters to get your teeth into and a sense that this is going somewhere and I want to know where. I'm going to back it because I think it deserves it. Best wishes.

I've just read the first chapter and this has real potential. I really like the opening few paragraphs and the tense atmosphere that carries through. David seems to be a very dark and at first unlikeable man but there is enough complexity in your characters to compel me to read on.

It is staying on my watchlist so I remember to come back later.

Good luck with it,
Stephen

Mary, I was really surprised at how much I liked this. It's well-paced, well-written, and well-developed. Your characterization of David is complex. A creepy, cinematic read---you're on my revolving shelf. Good luck to you!

Hi Mary. well you certainly know how to do dark and dangerous. I do like this and I'm going to throw a few ideas at you for enhancing the quality of the writing. this doesn't mean I don't like the story, only that I think you could make it really great. I think there's a danger, if you read a lot of genre books, that many of them aren't very well-written and that you get to accept something mediocre when you should be aiming for brilliant. the opening is very visual, very sensual but I think it has too many adverbs. I'm not one of those people who says you should never use them but there are noticeably a large number here. they stand out even more because it's the beginning. also, I notice you don't use so many later on. after that there are a lot of sentences beginning with he or his, then a lot beginning David, then a lot beginning Bill. I think you can only get away with this if it is done very obviously for effect, otherwise you could experiment with your sentence structure so it doesn't always stand out that way. if you are doing it for effect then I think you need to make this more obvious. I've learned that you can't change chapters without losing the comment so I'll have to leave reading on till another time. I really think you have the makings of a good book and that you shouldn't settle for less than your best just because others do. Ali.

You’re right--you breathe dark! You know how you can tell if a person likes cooking simply by eating their food? Well, it’s the same with Ritual--I devoured the first 5 chapters! Glad it’s daylight and I’m snugly ensconced in a modern, centrally heated house, not in some old, creaking farmhouse stuck at the bottom of an isolated valley overhung with dripping forests! Your dark passages truly shine (so to speak!), but you also manage to make even mundane tasks spring crisply into life (Ray cleaning the bar for instance).
The first chapter is superb--it’s griping, engrossing, sets the scene and introduces many of the characters and their backgrounds effortlessly (I also like the way you open and end it with the shapeless threat). The opening paras are particularly effective--love the contrast between the menacing elements (in more ways than one) outside and the comforting warmth and familiarity of the pub (I was almost shocked to find normal sounding/looking people inside!).
Speaking of characters, yours are superbly portrayed--each burdened with quirks and foibles, each prey to the same growing malaise (I thought that cynical John would be immune until he mentions the dolls--shades of Chucky!). I sympathised with Ray (found the description of Elly’s scrapbook moving) and I liked Betsy (her relationship with John. I also suspected she’d be able to ward off the evil--you had me fooled!). David, on the other hand, left me with mixed feelings--I don’t think I like him much. He doesn’t stop after the hit and run, his relationship with Karen is shallow at best (“she was good for a laugh”) and he doesn’t think twice about insulting the local ale (“I’m not a big fan.”--good job Betsy doesn’t mind!). I do however like his cynicism and sense of humour (“… the Gods were three or four oily lads with vegetable soup for lunch.”; “...for once David was sitting in the front seat.”; “The shower was cleaner after I’d used it”) and at least he has qualms about using Karen’s credit card. By the time he’s confided his problems to Betsy, I’ve quite warmed to him!
I like the way you train the spotlight on each character, singling them as they face their fears alone in the growing dark. It’s always a shock to read of life continuing as usual--fishermen going out to sea, police patrolling the streets--yanks you back to reality. Like the writing--love “Silence slid into place, heavy and unbearable”; “Fate had drunk it’s last free Java”; “… on the poorer side of useful.”; “… three course dinner of peach, aquamarine and migraine.”, and the way the threat grows--gradually seeping into the story (the ubiquitous children, the music, the smell of cabbage). You reveal just enough to keep the tension and the plot simmering (here I go with my cooking theme again!)--what did Ray see in Bill’s bedroom and what did Betsy witness in Ray’s house? Tell us!
I did ask myself why David stays in town though. I know his tyres are slashed and it’s Sunday, but I’d have run away on foot or hijacked a fishing boat! Why are children so menacing to him (“child-like and menacing”--seems like a contradiction, unless Dave really hates children that much! He wasn't responsible for the fire was he?). When he runs over the girl btw, would he really think: “What kind of parents let their kids roam the streets at this time of night?”, wouldn’t it be something more along the lines of: “Fuck! What’s this kid doing out here so late?” Does he grasp the concept of parental responsibility? Another thought that struck me was that after they’ve broken down Ray’s door, John says “Let’s just lock up and go home.”--didn’t they break the lock when they broke the door?
Finally, I noticed a few typos: chapt 1 “Footsteps from (?) grew quieter.”; chapt 2 “background (one word)”; chapt 3 “And he was staring point (blank?) at Mark.”; “Ray back(ed) away, until he reached the shed and then turned and ran inside.”; “He had kept a brave face, but that brave face was looking pr(e)tty pale these days.”
R is great and it’s going on my shelf as soon as I've posted this.

Hi Mary

At last have got round to reading chapter two of 'Ritual'. This is great stuff! The murdered girl cricking her neck in the alleyway, and mouthing silent words, is genuinely chilling. It reminded me, again, of the 'broken' girl crawling headlong down the staircase in The Grudge. There's always something very disturbing for me about female ghosts, or mad women—much worse than men. You will, of course, remain on my bookshelf—probably indefinately.

Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

Mazza
Post gold star and you are first on my list of reciprocal reads. As per the comments, atmospheric and spooky right from the start. Great end of chapter hook - enticing the reader to turn the page....great use of fragmented paragraphing toward the end - to build up the suspense.
My only comments would be toward the beginning of chapter one there were quite a few scene-setting adverbs - I would cull some of these. Some of the voice was passive, rather than active too - so maybe look at the first few paragraphs and tighten this up. The first chunk of dialogue felt a bit floated in mid-air, I would cement it more.
But these are my only real comments! Overall, looks professional and suitably dark......You can have my Sunday lunchtime shelf spot. ;-)
Hannah

Hey Mazza. Well, this is terrifically creepy all right! I am not much of a horror reader, so please take my remarks with a bucket of salt ...

First off, you're a dab hand with the dialogue. It is very sure and natural, and has a wonderful flow to it. That's difficult to achieve, and you have a real gift for it. The stiffer part here is in the prose. Right in the first paragraph, for example: scraps of litter cannot whoop (or if they can, I do not think you can rightly refer to the coastal town of Kinlay as "quiet.") Are we after "whoosh" here, or "whip"? This is the kind of thing that makes me stop short. "The streets overfed on a mixture of obscure and ugly bodies" ... it's like the prose overtakes the sense, sometimes. I think a read-through for clarity would serve this narrative very well, and do a lot to improve the momentum.

"Betsy felt like her heart had been ripped out." There are a few areas like this, a little hackneyed, where there isn't *enough* originality or poetical punch given to meet the needs of an intense moment. When something really horrible like this has happened, that's when I think you have a little more latitude prose-wise, for a wild effect.

All of these are kind of copyediting quibbles really, but I suspect that really squeaky-clean, tight copy would vault this a lot higher in an editor's estimation.

The one basic weakness in the story to my mind is this (please explain to me, if I didn't quite get it): if we're meant to identify with David, it's very hard and maybe impossible to do that, given that he didn't stop when he hit (as he believes) a child. That is a terrible, terrible no-no by any reckoning. He wouldn't be able to tell whether or not it would be possible to save her life, unless he stopped and ran over there and got really close. Maybe he can do this and then leave, once he is certain that he's actually killed someone. I would be a lot more okay with identifying with someone who had run off scared, but knowing that there was nothing more he could do.

Best of luck with your really scary book!! All the best--Maria.

Hi Mary.

Just reread the first chapter after reading it for the first time a few weeks ago, purely for the sake of getting the story fresh in my mind in order to comment; furthermore, I remember thouroughly enjoying it the first read so knew it would be a pleasure to read it again.

I was astonished at how realistic your characters are. There are shades of their personalities and mannerisms in which any reader will be able to identify within themselves, or will undoubtedly be reminiscent of the people they encounter in everyday life. The individual traits of each character are reinforced by the stong dialogue, whether it be the conversational 'spoken aloud' dialogue or the internal dialogue heard in their mind. Too often you read dialogue in which every character sounds robotic due to there being a lack of unique patterns in their speech to differentiate between them; this is certainly not the case with your writing. Your ability to write such dialogue and develop such true-to-life characters is both brilliant and enviable.

You have set the scene. You have introduced the cast of characters. You have plagued the reader's mind with so many unanswered questions that they are compelled to continue reading. What more could you want in an opening chapter?

Superb. All the best!

Ben.

I like the sound of this. Watchlisted. I'll try to get a read in later.

So cosy in its surroundings, so foreboding in its appeal.

I’ve just finished the first two, but I agree with the rest of the clapping crowd: Wonderful and back-chilling.

Just one thought: I got stuck a little in the passage where you describe the pub. I would like less “stage setting” and more storytelling. You could have cramped in the atmosphere in the dialogue between Bill and Ray.

Hi Mazza,
delighted to back this. It's horror in the old, rather arch school that I like (always was a fan of Poe, and your prose reminds me of his). Sometimes the archness is a tiny bit too much for me - "the figure there on.." didn't quite work, but the next rewrite will smooth that out. I really enjoyed the interplay between your characters - it comes alive the way good horror does (more than a passing nod to the opening of American Werewolf in London) and bad horror doesn't.

Great stuff. I'm off out into the light now. Don't like it here in an old victorian office on my own!!

Best
Dan

Mazza,
Not sure I should have read this before bed!

first chapter was easy to read and flowed very well. I almost felt like it was a very calm tone. Just telling me about the sea side town and David’s frustrations… however, it also contained a bit of the calm-before-the-storm feel. With the spookiness at the beginning and then at the end, I am forced to flip the page and find out what happens, knowing it can’t be good!
**the dream is very visual!
I love how he keeps hearing gdnn gdnn
**gosh this is mesmerizing. I can’t stop reading.
I am not even sure how specific I can be. You write with wonderful description and imagery. I like the characters a lot. It makes for a very real town and poor David just happened along at the wrong time. Although I am not sure I really like him anyway…
** I really thought I noticed two typos in chapter 1 but I can’t find them now. The rest seemed fine. Clean!
This is very creepy. I can see why Jason liked it!

You definietly write dark and chilling!
Gina

Ooh. Very James Herbert. Or maybe more Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked (masterpiece, IMO). Even a touch of Stephen King (clowns?). Good sense of atmosphere and menace. I like the bar scene - it seems very realistic. I'm a bit concerned that David's actually a bit of a shit but I assume he has some redeeming qualities that will make me want him to survive! I like the internal thoughts in italics - I do that too! And the dialogue is spot on.

This is classic horror. You manage to convey the creepiness and the terror very well and I really wish I wasn't reading this alone at night with the curtains open ....Have you thought of sending this one to Leisure Books (Dorchester Publishing in America)? They do exactly this sort of thing and you'd fit right in! Great stuff.

Hi Mary

I have now read the opening chapter of Ritual, and I like it a great deal. I've always been a sucker for horror-on-the-sea. I think it started with Bram Stoker's Dracula, set in Whitby. Leaving aside technicalities, and specifics, which I feel are probably mentioned too often on Authonomy, your story has made a genuinely creepy start, and I wouldn't mind betting you're a fan of Japanese horror, ie, The Grudge, Dark Water, etc? There are always ghastly things crouching in corners in those films. I very much like the style of your prose, too. You will certainly remain on my bookshelf.

'Kristin' will be updated soon.

Best wishes. Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

Hi Mazza, Just wanted to let you know that I've started this - 2 chapters so far. It's interesting - there are a lot of strands going on and I found chapter 1 a bit hard to follow with all the characters - but not too hard. There are enough unanswered questions to keep me reading on - the girl in white is especially creepy. I'll read on and be back with proper comments later.

Hi Mazza,

I read your third chapter. This is such an interesting, quirky, entertaining story.

Betsy's scene is expertly done. The note tossed into the ocean and the small, red thing in Betsy's pocket spiked my interest.

David's mind-bending delusion in the cafe was vivid and very entertaining.

This chapter reads faster than the last and is more compelling.

Some suggested edits.

'Why don't you come back home with me?' she said. The correct dialogue tag should be 'she asked.'

'We're not quite the back of beyond! he walked back ... Two uses of 'back' so close together is one to many.

The smell of chips and welcomes him. There appears to be a word missing.

... sabotage next months farmers market. 'Months' should be possessive.

Wishing to god. God should be capitalized.

And we're back to commas, Mazza. When Kathy meets Mark he says 'Hey babe,' Babe should be offset with a comma. Same thing with 'Come on Philip,' Continue to purge this problem from your manuscript. Editors will notice.

I like your quirky story and am very entertained by it.

Good luck with this book which I backed.

Al

Hi Mary,

I've just read your first chapter . . . I'll read more soon. I love the idea and the first chapter sets the scene brilliantly, although I agree with one of the other comments that there may be too many characters introduced too soon.
Bill is wonderful - as is David. I wondered whether you could make your first paragraph even more scary so that the reader will not be able to stop reading? Just a thought . . .
I look forward to reading your other chapters though, so you've got me hooked!
Berni

FUCKING HELL MARY! I mean - FUCK-ING- HELL!!!!

Just finished Chapter 6 and nearly pissed my pants with the "I will catch you I will bleed you I will eat you" entity vision during the show.

Can I ask, were we separated at birth? Do we share the same misspent youth? Are you acually scared of horror films like me, but still so facinated by them that it just builds and builds until it has to come out in one rush on a page? A safer medium that you can control and manipulate but still close the cover on to stop it feeling too real? For me, this book has broken through, and actualy become something that plays inside my head as if I could see it unravelling. Absolute pure Clive Barker.

Hi Mary,

I read your second chapter. Very entertaining.

David's dream was superb. Vivid images. Bizarre characters. The encounter with the jester was expertly done.

Your overall characterization was masterful.

Your overall descriptions are brief but vivid. I always know where I am.

Your pacing is well suited to this kind of story.

Only two edits, but they are repetitive in the second chapter (and perhap the manuscript).

He sighed and pushed 'play': Punctuation always goes inside quotes, even single words. Same thing with "killer on the loose". (Punctuation always goes inside quotes.) Check your manuscript for this kind of error. Editors notice.

'Speak to you later babe.' Babe should be offset with comma. Samething with 'Yes lads,' and 'Bear with me Mr Newton.' There are more cases of this problem in this chapter. Check your manuscript this type of error and fix them.

I enjoyed your story and your characters.

Good luck with this book.

Al

Hi Mazza,

Just read the first chapter of Ritual. I thought the premise interesting and your style lends perfectly to this type of writing. You left the reader on a good hook at the end of the chapter, and I’m certainly interested to read more.

My crits are that quite a few characters are introduced. Would you be able to take maybe Mark out? Or the alternative is make the shorter sections a little longer, so we can truly get a feel for the character. The other thing I thought could be worked on (hope you don’t mind suggestions) was the backstory on each character. Most of the stuff you described was already shown in the behaviour of the character. Like poor old Bill. Don’t do the backstory, but including the bit about the lights, and his intuition, that was great, and did far more than the ‘I’m a depressed old seadog that no one pays attention to’. Have more faith in your ability – you’d already shown us with his handling of the compass.

I’ve put this on my shelf, and will try to read a bit more soon, and hopefully give some help with a rename?

Lisa

Chapter one is definitely gripping promises so much in the language itself. I did enjoy reading it and I am tempted to read a few more chapters. Thank you for recommending this. It is an interesting story and very well written.

Mazza - I love your style - it flows so well and in particular the opening chapter to this really drew me in, even though horror isn't my usual thing. Your descriptions are so vivid that I was there in that seaside town. Chilling! You should do well with this. It's good. Alison

Bloody hell.

Dark, sinister, intense. It is fabulous. In so many ways a little feaky in that I have a character called Fitch, (not Finch!) and I have a similar point of horror and realisation with a "creature". But that isn't why I liked this book - I'm not using this as an excuse to draw you to my work - I genuinely believe this is better written and more atmospheric than mine. You have a good grasp of the flow of a book, so the tension and the build is not lost by stumbling over things that distract your attention.

There are similarities to a number of authors I could draw, but it is a shame that Carl and Robert have taken down their books (Dark Dreams & Book of Darkness). Carl is a very accomplished writer, and a fantastic critic, so after shelving this I'm going to recommend it to him - he still comes in here to read, and may have already backed you - I don't know.

Either way, this is something to shout about, and you simply must find a way to get this to a publisher. WIth a final edit (we all need one of those!) you could very easily catch someones eye. Jason.