Wrong

You really convey a sense of lonliness, of teen rebellion...almost as if Clay wants to feel this way. The things he thinks, says, and does really drags me in...makes me feel sympathy for him...makes me hate the rest of his family.
Dialogue is excellent, well structured, relatable, believable. I want...I dont know what I want. Maybe for him to finally find the love he obviously craves??? I haven't found a single typo so far, and you write so...creatively. Its easy to imagine whats happening.
I'm giving this six stars. Such a great start to a story. Great job!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings

What is for dinner? This was a delight to read - from the beginning of chapter one to the end of 16. You capture the horror and the gutsyness (this is now a word) of Clay. You've portrayed the mind of a troubled 16 year old extremely well.

Your dialouge is punchy and both easy to read and follow. There are some amusing moments and then the ones that truly make you cringe. You can't help but depise Clay and Jason's father and 'step-bitch' - I like how you've allowed us to form different relationships with the characters. Having Alexa with different names allows us different insights into her twisted personality. I didn't quite understand why she was happy to be addressed by the name of her husbands dead wife though. That's a little creepy...

I noticed a couple of typo's - I hope you don't mind my pointing them out:

Chapter 6
“… Okay, well I do think you’re funny, buy I’d still…” - But, not buy?

Chapter 10
Her heart pounding out a beat a little fast that my own - faster not fast?

Chapter 14
Jason’s slate blue eyes go huge - this doesn't quite make sense, with the phrasing. I know what you mean but it could be expressed differently... Then again, that is simply my own opinion.

Also:
Chapter 13 (I think)
Those twisted eyes are my prison and she my warden – This line was awesome! I am indeed a fan.

You have a fluent writing style and I would love to read more of your work. All the best with it, stars and backing for sure!

Good luck,

Laura.

I read chapter one with great interest. Clay's life suck. She look at the sky for ages. she did not eat or drink or bathe for two days. She dislike her stepmother. Her father hardly look at her when he speak to her. She hadn't see her brother Jason for while yet when the opportunity came to see him she wasn't excited. In hindsight, its good. She did not enjoy his company when they met. One of the reasons for that was his strict rules that he imposed on her.

Overall, there is high tension attached to this narrative. There are scattered humours i'e Ronna resembles that of a fish"
I'll be back to see if the tension die down in the family. If Clay continue to exist in the hostile environments she would no doubt have a break down

Ok I read it but not sure why yousay don"t comment on first chapter. Is unsurprised a word?
I did enjoy the storyline , his conflicts within himself.
Weel done.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Great mc in Clay, a character that most young adult readers would warm to. It is great to see a character portrayed with flaws yet is not a complete loser. Natural guy. Good to see a novel based on everyday dilemmas and not fantasy stuff. The dialogue is well written and the first person narration is believable and interesting. Intelligent, very readable ya novel. Nice work. Candy.

I like this, too. It warmed up and by the end of chapter one I really liked your bitter-sweet anti hero. Good individual voice and he has charm, for all he's sulen and comlainy. I think you managed to conjour up a really believable, likeable character in Clay that readers will identify with and want to follow. I shall give you some stars and a place on my wait list, while I read on to the end of your posting.
Cariad.

very good writing that grabs you straight away. 'the sky was crying' is a brilliant start. l can imagine it being used in a Tv quiz in the future. the use of the present tence, and first person is very clever...
backed, backed, and backed...
10 stars****************
read SEASONS...

I have to say that although not my usual genre I really really enjoyed this.
Can't remember how I even came across it but am very impressed with the pace and the writing and the sinister yet hopefully misunderstood lead character.
Good stuff and here, have some stars!
Jonathan

I have to say that although not my usual genre I really really enjoyed this.
Can't remember how I even came across it but am very impressed with the pace and the writing and the sinister yet hopefully misunderstood lead character.
Good stuff and here, have some stars!
Jonathan

I have to say that although not my usual genre I really really enjoyed this.
Can't remember how I even came across it but am very impressed with the pace and the writing and the sinister yet hopefully misunderstood lead character.
Good stuff and here, have some stars!
Jonathan

This is very easy to read and I really like dark, brooding, sarcastic Clay. I'm glad you didn't dumb it down as YA readers can smell that a mile away.

Good Job
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

Starting off, I'd have to agree with a few other comments that this is a lot of deep thinking from a kid way too early on in the story. We don't yet have a grasp of who he is and thus why we should care how he feels about things. The first three paragraphs give us a glimpse of how his mind words, but when we get to the questions, it's leaning into the overkill department.

"I look down at my sagging duffel and nod." No need for 'my head' as we don't nod anything else.

"The water bottle I had in my room ran our hours ago." To avoid the mirrored redundancy of two days and day two.

I have a question about "without ever looking at me". Where does he look when he pokes his head through the door? And if it's anywhere but at the MC, then it should be noted THEN and not now.

Just watch for repetitive words now and then, using the same descriptor within lines of each other that it sticks out. There aren't many instances, but one example is the word squint or squinty.

I don't have much else to offer, I wish I could be more helpful. ^_^

Enjoyed, wishlisted and waiting for a spot on the shelf to open.

It was actually only one other comment hehe. =) Maybe I can cut down on the questions, but I don't want to eliminate them entirely. In reality people are far less picky about specific word choices and repetitions. It's like on these sites there has to be something wrong, so you HAVE to find it. And to be honest my first chapter has been beaten into the ground on crit sites, and this is the result, so I'm hesitant to make any more changes, since I finally got a consensus.

Starting off, I'd have to agree with a few other comments that this is a lot of deep thinking from a kid way too early on in the story. We don't yet have a grasp of who he is and thus why we should care how he feels about things. The first three paragraphs give us a glimpse of how his mind words, but when we get to the questions, it's leaning into the overkill department.

"I look down at my sagging duffel and nod." No need for 'my head' as we don't nod anything else.

"The water bottle I had in my room ran our hours ago." To avoid the mirrored redundancy of two days and day two.

I have a question about "without ever looking at me". Where does he look when he pokes his head through the door? And if it's anywhere but at the MC, then it should be noted THEN and not now.

Just watch for repetitive words now and then, using the same descriptor within lines of each other that it sticks out. There aren't many instances, but one example is the word squint or squinty.

I don't have much else to offer, I wish I could be more helpful. ^_^

Enjoyed, wishlisted and waiting for a spot on the shelf to open.

I honestly don't know why this doesn't have a higher ranking. It's absolutely brilliant. There were a few things I'd definitely fix (I'll come back and leave a better review when I get off the high of reading an awesome book) but this was amazing.

Thanks. =)

This definitely caught my eye, and I loved the way you started it. That first line is a great hook. Just be careful you don't have him asking too many questions there in the beginning. It was just kind of distracting. But I read through the first chapter and I love it!

I honestly don't know why this doesn't have a higher ranking. It's absolutely brilliant. There were a few things I'd definitely fix (I'll come back and leave a better review when I get off the high of reading an awesome book) but this was amazing.

This is a compelling read so far - it is certainly a character driven story and you have real writing talent. It is also refreshing to read a novel without dragons and ghouls but rather real life issues that can be far scarier. Well done and backed.

Liz
The Cheech Room

i dont think i have ever read such a fast paced, exciting first chapter as this one was. my eyes were glued to the screen as i was reading this. very polished, wonderful characterization, good balance between dialogue and description, witty sentence structure... i really did like this. i have no doubt that this should be published.
melissa
Gut Instincts

I've read all of this and I ached for Clay. When we talk about child abuse, we so often tend to think of it as perpetrated by males, but that is not always the case. And it affects so many people in so many different ways.

Lovely development of the family feeling between Clay and Jason and Ronna. This was a really good (although harrowing in parts!) story and I recommend it.

Clay is definitely a unique character, he's got demons and ghosts and he's not perfect. That is what makes a memorable character! I like reading about the misfits. You've got a strong voice coming through the writing, full of wit and talent. I read 3 chapters but I'll come back for more. This is different in the YA genre and I've always felt that's important because it's such a competitive market. This would stand out for sure. I'm rooting for Clay and I hope things get better. It's nice to see a non-fantasy YA that is so full of potential. I didn't see much in the way of errors but I tend to get caught up in reading :)

Starred for now and will shelve when I get a chance.
Missy

Enjoying this lots. I like Tatum. Um, is there any significance about middle names?
"You are such a cliche. Go find someone else to harass." Great line! Could just see it.
I feel a lot of sympathy for Clay; he is obviously carrying a lot of guilt. I'll hope for a happy ending, or at least one in which he comes to terms with life.

There's something oddly appealing about this prickly protagonist and after a couple of chapters I'm happy to read on and find out more. Well done.

Wow, you should keep writing. This is intense!

Thank you. =)

Wow, you should keep writing. This is intense!

Wow, you should keep writing. This is intense!

Wow, you should keep writing. This is intense!

Well Krista,
I read your story. Boy its a good one! I think everyone should read this.
Its heart wrenching and soul searching at the same time.
Clay has such strong inner voice as he deals with his demons. You have done a superb job bringing this story to light. And ending it in such an appropriate way.
I hope you get many readers, who don't only judge by the first chapter, and who stay with this story till the end.
It is well written, dialogue spot on, and plot played out perfectly. I didn't ever feel like straying from Clay's narration or get side tracked by unnecessary details. This is top notch, in my humble opinion.
A must read. Will put it on my shelf next month.
Thanks Jacobaxx

Interesting story and I like the POV, works well here. Great voice for your audience.

Hi,
I enjoy YA so I came to take a look. I read all four chapters. Its kind of addictive being in Clay's head once you start reading. The writing flows effortlessly, the teenage dialogue authentic and has a certain harshness that you blend with the softer moments.
I'm putting this on my watchlist and will try to give it some shelf time next month.
I really liked it and if you upload more, please let me know, I'd love to know where your going with this story and I'd love to see how it all ends up.
Terrific read, well done,
Jacoba

Firstly, I have to say I think the pitch could do with some work. I just found it a bit confusing. I think maybe the conversational tone didn't help. It's difficult to judge when I don't know the plot, but maybe more emphasis could be put on the mystery of his mum's death?

Anyway, I liked your 1st chapter and your style of writing. You don't waste many words on descriptions, but the words you choose tell me everything I need to know. I'm very curious to know what happened to Clay's mother. I have to admit I had the same problem with your characters as you did with mine a bit lol. It's a bit hard to feel sorry for Clay, when he makes things so much worse for himself by mouthing off constantly, but he has a certain charm, too.

A couple of suggestions:

I squint until I'm in the backseat of Dad's silver Lincoln. I press my forehead... (Two short sentences starting with "I" makes it look a bit like a list of actions. Consider joining them? Eg. I squint until I'm in the backseat of Dad's silver Lincoln then I press my forehead)

His features more pronounced... (this gives me the impression that Jason's features are similar to Clay's apart from being "more pronounced" yet in the next sentence you say he looks nothing like Clay apart from the eyes. is there much point in noting that his features are "more pronounced" if they're nothing like Clay's anyway?)

Good luck with this!

The sky is crying. What an awesome line. Wow that is soooo good. It seems like the first metaphor someone would think of but that’s the first time I’ve read it and it was said that way. So simple but so powerful.

You have a keen sense of subtle writing that some of it goes unnoticed. You don’t ever go overboard and storm off into another direction. Your voice is crisp and clear. I can feel what he is thinking. Your tone is brilliant. Just brilliant. And . . . you are funny. Just things like when he says ‘I want to tell her I hope at least one of those conditions is fatal . . .” made me laugh. You have a way with words that can show so much and can be so funny at times.

“stapled in place” Another great line. I think you have set a record for the best sentences on this site. well, it’s only two, but that’s two more than any one else. Dang, you are good.

Another thing I notice is how you keep to the character. You say skull instead of head for instant. Your words comes off as dark and sinister a little. Clay is a fantastic character. Again, I come back to his voice. It’s spot on. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a presence of a strong voice like you have given us with Clay.

I can’t even spot any problems with it. Just that it’s a bit long for a first chapter. I knew I was going to give you 6 stars after I had read ‘the sky is crying’. The want to add you to my shelf but I just changed my entire shelf and want to keep them on there for a bit. I don’t like booting them off after a couple of days only. It’s kind of worthless then. This is definitely a halloween book. Krista, I should support you soon. If I don’t, then get on my ass. You deserve some recognition.

I loved the first chapter and really like your MC. His sense of humor is amusing. I would read more if I didn't have to rush off, so I will be back. Well done for everything I've read so far.

Good luck
Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

[Wrong]
The sky is crying --> Very poetic start, giving away both a situation and a feeling. Well done!

You write well - I have nothing to add to that. It's a fun story with a lot of self relativity and a kid with a lot of problems which are never solved in the way the adults act around him.

I liked it. Well done. And sorry for being not much of a help, but there was little I can add to make this story better.

I loved your first paragraph but then found the second disappointed and too typically "teenagerish". What was so lovely about the first paragraph is that it was real - it "showed" us what the character was feeling and gave insight into their personality - while the second and third just go into "typical" teenage jargon. It seems to me that this teen has a unique voice and I wished you had let that speak for itself more.

You kind of get back to it in the paragraph that begins "I've been ready for two days now..."

Having said that, I was completely drawn into the story. I think that Clay has a convincing voice. The dialogue is realistic and I am glad that I read on. You tell the story very well and I want to read more when I can.

All the best and good luck with this - I think you will do well as YA fiction is all the rage these days - I wish I had the ability to write it - it is certainly a special skill.

- Rena (Bunderful) - Master of the Miracles

You really get into character. I feel the same about character sketches and their significance to the development of the plot.

I'll be honest. I took a first look at your book because you commented on mine. I don't generally read this type of genre. That said, I like it and I don't back things as favors. Clay is an amusing character who drew me in quickly. Your occasional clues about his past kept my interest maintained for most of the four chapters. I find him likable but I can see how other characters in the book can only take so much of him. Looking forward to seeing how he deals with his demons.

Sean
Tanner Spirit

Written in the first-person point of view, the writing is evocative. I've only read the first chapter but I'll be coming back for more. What on earth did Clay do to think his family would be justified in not loving him?

If I had your talent for writing when I was your age I'd by now be a bestseller! You are on your way to a lucrative career as a writer. This is very impressive work and I'd buy it so Im shelving it and starring it.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Dear Krista,
Teenage depression isn't just bad moods and occasional melancholy, it's a serious problem that impacts every aspect of a teen's life. You describe Clays life so painfully realistic, especially his family's indifference and austere attitude towards him.
Only one thing i didn't understand in chapter one:
When he fell down a flight of stairs at Jenna's apartment building, you say this happened right after the phone call, but i understood he was at home when Jenna called. Did he go to her apartment right after? Just wondering.
Your writing is flawless and very easy to enjoy. Will starr when i've read some more.
best,
Maria
Dark of the Moon