What We Can't Have

Wow, this is a BIG book, at 120,000+ and incomplete! And the action is very big, too, fast-moving, and violent. It's pretty amazing. Love the dialogue -- effortlessly smart and tough. The narrator's voice is very interesting, by contrast almost bookish and very ornamental. I love the sound of it. Occasionally, it goes a little over the top, as though written with a Thesaurus open, but mostly it is just a very distinctive style, an unusual choice for a gritty violent urban story like this. Very good. High stars.

This is really good. Great voice, whacks us right into the characters lives and is a massive accomplishment. I'm just going to keep reading it for a bit before I comment properly. Very impressed.

Shaun,
Just read the first chapter. I see this is a huge book, already over 113K, and there's more coming.

There are two distinctly different voices at work, and at times I find them jarring. The dialogue between Horace and Pacino is vivid, rough, and vulgar; a couple of young hoodlums on a really bad night. Then there's the voice of the storyteller, with lines like "a rapidly aggrandizing altercation nearby convinced them to part ways and call it a night." This authorial voice often seems too elevated and wordy; for instance, about all the thoughts going through Horace's mind as he's driving wounded to the hospital. Maybe the language needs to be pared back to something a bit more in scale with the two main characters.

It seems to be an ambitious work and I wish you well!
Carolyn Brown Heinz
Mage at Midnight

I just read ch 1. I skipped a lot of the dialogue because of all the profanity, but the story is great and I'll definitely keep reading.
I found a couple of things that I wanted to point out:
Cellular phone that he picked up off of his nightstand has too many prepositions (up, off, of) and maybe shorten cellular to cell? and also Chevrolet to Chevy for better flow.
Then in the last sentence "he couldn't count how many he knew with no balls" seemed out of place and awkward to me

I read your pitch. Your short pitch is vague & mysterious & interesting. Your long pitch however is a bit too long and confusing to me (maybe too much going on)

Beth Davis
I Never Saw It Coming

Shaun,
I'm finally here for a return read. You're greatest strength is in dialogue. It really shines. So easy to hear it in my head, not at all wooden. There were multiple places where I questioned some of the lack of punctuation, but my punctuation skills are sub-par, so I sent some examples to your inbox. Once I got to the sex scene in two, I forgot what a comma was. Keep writing you have a strong voice and a gift for language.

Best Bill
Haktaw Heart

Interesting cover and name.

The short pitch is a bit awkward. I’d try to figure out a better way to say it. It’s the doubling up of ‘could’ and the ‘that’ hanging out.

Long Pitch: There’s too much going on here. I’d simplify. Hammering on about the hard knocks in the beginning is repetitive and my attention waned. Based off this pitch, I wouldn’t read on. My advice: pinpoint what your exact theme of the book is, or the main plot point, and build on that.

Chapter One:

The first line is two lines aren’t very engaging, and slightly awkward. I’d rework them and opt not to start off with his whole name and a ‘was’.

Fully confident in his potential, Horace Giles knew where he ultimately wanted to be. In order to get there, he demanded much of himself.

Repeating of ‘best things this world’...why not lump these together and make it more fluid?

He deserved the best things the world had to offer which, according to his own particular tastes, were his jet-black Chevy Tahoe and (designer?) wardrobe.

You don’t need “both examples of what was best for him” this way. When you write, you want to say as much as you can with the least amount of words. Over writing, which is something I suffer from, often leaves the narrative repetitive and, at times, redundant.

(what’s so special about his wardrobe?)

Jamela suited that finicky taste of his wonderfully. – this is also awkward—simplify—Jamela suited his finicky taste wonderfully.

He couldn’t seem to taste her sexy ass enough though. –we need a tie in. This seemed way out of left field.
You tell us this. Why don’t you show us this?

The sentence about all the female willing to let him sample them really turned me off Horace. Automatically, I didn’t like him, due to his materialistic view on the world. But with this it made me think he was just a pompous ass.

Repeating of ‘breeze’—she had breezed into –nocturnal fall breeze—a breezy Aquarius—the night breeze. But much in the span of two sentences (!)

Betraying little her smile was slight – Betraying little, her smile... (comma)

Singular bone structure –what does that mean?

Am noticing an abundance of personal pronoun starts. For example, we have: He stepped back into his two bedroom...—He picked his tumbled of vodka...—He scoffed and downed the shot...—He came close to having.

That’s in one paragraph. Too much. As I scrolled through this chapter, I noticed you rely heavily on starting sentences in this fashion. I would work to amend this. I find narrative reliant on personal pronoun starts to be boring, and lazy writing, to be honest. (And I know that sounds harsh) But there are a plethora of other ways to start a sentence.

Here are some examples: The subject (which is the personal pronouns, which you already use (too much), participle (ing or ed, Walking up the street, he tripped. Worried about tripping, he bumped into his wife.), Conjunction (as he walked, he whistled), Adverb (Happily he skipped up the street.), Adjective (Angry with himself, he stalked down the street.), and a phrase (At the top of the stairs, he paused to reflect on the...). I understand that you may know all this, but I am just reiterating to you all the ways you can start.

As I read I noticed you have a ‘that’ issue. Did you know ‘that’ is a word we type and we don’t even know we are typing it? It’s true. It’s because we write like we speak. Often this word can be eradicated from the sentence without affecting the quality of the narrative.

Examples:

...a leglock on him, insisting that he come on in...—leglock on him, insisting he come on in...

...to feel the other effects that alcohol...—to feel the other effects alcohol...

...only insisted that he always be...—only insisted he always be...

...made it clear that it would do her...—made t clear it would do her...

...cookie cutter guys that came along with the...—cookie cutter guys who came along with a college...

...told him that this wasn’t whom he had...—told him this wasn’t whom he...

There are 68 mentions of ‘that’ in this first chapter. That’s a lot. And I reckon if I read on I would find more, a lot more, in your manuscript.

Of course, you can’t week out all of them, but I would really look into narrowing them down. In dialogue it is more common to see them, but your characters say it so much.

Another thing I noticed straight away is the passiveness of your narrative. You have a lot of ‘was’ and ‘had’ going on. This is something to be avoided. You have 90 ‘was’ in your MS. Some of these can be turned into active sentences, instead of passive, with simple reworking.

For example:

Outwardly he was cavalier and nonchalant...—Outwardly he presented himself as cavalier and nonchalant...

...but he was keeping his lines open...—but he wanted to keep his lines open...

...his own situation was taking away from the time...—his own situation took away from the time...

...speculating how little it was covering up.—speculating how little it covered up.

Here he was feasting his eyes on Kendra’s...—Here he feasted his eyes on Kendra’s...

Around Horace she was quite the exhibitionist. – Around Horace she became quite the exhibitionist.

She was communicating with him wordlessly—She communicated with him wordlessly.

She was tell him...—She told him...

I would work on taking care of the passive issue. It staunches the fluidity of the prose.

I couldn’t get through the first chapter, to be honest. Sex dominated the chapter and, while I do love me some sexy times, I found it repetitive and pointless.

Not to mention, I laughed out loud at a few of the lines. It was just so...over the top.

‘with his dick swinging’

‘while you marinate on my dick’

‘she straddled his genitals’

‘as she perched atop his pipe’

‘she had strap wrenches in her yams as she snapped on him’ –I don’t even know what this means!

‘clutching it with her puss as she ascended’

This is like erotica, except laugh out loud erotica.

This is in need of a good edit, not only for ‘was’ ‘that’ and ‘had’, but also for commas. There are a lot of places that are missing the proper punctuation.

For example:

“I’m yo bitch tonight baby.” – I’m yo bitch tonight, baby. (comma)

“Oooh please make me understand baby” – “Oooh, please make me understand, baby”

“Are you...okay Horace?” – Are you...okay, Horace?”

Sliding off the dresser slowly she giggled at...---Sliding off the dresser slowly, she giggled at Horace, biting her
lip.

“Boy you a damn fool,” – “Boy, you a damn fool,”

Anyways, I am going to stop there.

I see you have a number of books available for people to read...I wish you all the luck with your writing.

T.L Tyson – The Reign of Billie Blackwater

great use of dialogue here; you use effective language and your story comes to life...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Hi... what ive read is quite engaging. Your on my shelf .. cos I like this and will be back to read more

Simples !

Shaun

I have read the first four chapters and will definitely read more. Here are my thoughts thus far.

You have an engaging start with solid, powerful characters. These are people who will make events happen rather than being passive ciphers waiting for a story to meander towards them. It is inherent, good thriller writing. Nice one.

The reader will be drawn in by Horace’s youthful arrogance and the opening sex scene depicted for the reader in full gynaecological, heart thumping detail.

Good names too. I like Horace and the wonderfully named Swerve.

Rich sexy, taut, hard hitting dialogue. Your words swing like Mike Tyson’s fists.

Your back story in chapter two comes at the right time, just as we want to know more about them. Too many novels on this site have a tortuous start as they pile on the backstory.

Although the characters and the sex may be sufficient to haul the reader through the first chapters I feel a little of the story needs to be imparted. You might ride it out for one chapter with your exciting style but I have finished chapter 4 and have not engaged in any meaningful story hooks yet. I know from your blurb there is something “chilling” to come, maybe you need to shoe horn an element of the story into chapter two. I apologise if I am missing something.

Some minor points. Although your writing is superb there are some clunky lines in need of a wash and brush up. Eg:

“ .... the name of the woman Horace had once started to see the rest of his life with”

I am not a stickler for grammar, propositions sometimes tumble to the tail of a line, but it just feels more awkward than necessary.

And in chapter 3
“Horace gave himself the once over before he left out of the door”
Next para starts: “he left out of the door” repeats also knock the reader, (well this reader any way!)

I draw your attention to these examples because the rest of your prose punches so effectively that I am sure you can tighten these few lapses.

If you could remedy these minor oversights your novel will shoot up through these charts.

This is impressive, confident thriller writing at its best. I will be putting it on my watch list to keep an eye out for it and urge others to give it a try.

Good luck.

S L Stockford Fresco

I read the first couple of chapters and thought this was powerful stuff. Not my usual read, but I was struck by the authenticity of the characters and dialogue. Horace is intriguing, balancing thoughts and actions between Jamela and Kendra. The conflict with Allen is well developed. I thought the sex scene was unusually well described, very raw and emotional. I did wonder if it nudged this into over 18 territory rather than moderate? A good edit would tighten the writing and polish grammar. I can see this going down a storm with it's target audience. Well-starred and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

Shaun,
Interesting first chapter, great story. You're right, the work has an urban, gritty feel...Will people be offended by the word 'nigga'. That kind of jarred me.
I think that in places there are small words that I think just take that little bit away from the story. I believe you could improve it in places without too much work - just taking out small minor words .. for example:

Jamela suited his finicky taste wonderfully. He couldn't taste her sexy ass enough.

Swerve nodded, looking Horace in the eyes.

But overall, great work! Thanks for sharing.
Monicque. x

Your main character has a great voice that is totally his own. While the sex scene in the beginning def. draws the reader in, I wonder if there is too much time spent on that and not enough spent on hearing who Horace is, what his motivations are, what he wants to do with his life etc. the sex is described with such lavish detail, it made me feel like everything else should have been also. All that stuff you talk about in the first paragraph of your pitch - the relationship with his best friend etc. should be gone into with more detail - perhaps you do in further chapters, but I felt that balanced against the really detailed sex scene, that I found it was missing a bit.

I wish you luck with this,

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful)

First chapter was great. I got into it and you kept me reading. Hell Horace threw my back out by the end. Although Kendra's skirt was annoying me. I thought it had been removed then it was around her waist then it was on her thighs. Reread that section because that skirt was more than a cock blocker it kept popping up when I'm sure it had already been removed. I liked the inner conflict about the women in Horace's head. It let me know who he was and where he was at.

Housekeeping notes. The POV although it's 3rd person it's still from Horace's POV so he shouldn't be able to know Kendra's thoughts or what was said on the other end of the phone.
comma's before but. There are punctuation nazi's lurking and you need to bone up on that. (I can't give you more help because I'm still learning the rules a good website to check out http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000067.htm )
Also even though you are writing ebonically there are some standard rules that apply. placing an apostrophe on the shortened word depending on if the part taken out is at the beginning or end of the word ‘bout, wonderin’, dryin’, ‘aight, trippin’, talkin’ are a few examples. There were more, but this gives you an idea of what I mean.
Wouldn't it be more appropriate for Swerve to say the Horace's "nose was wide open" instead of just "open"? That's just the way I've heard it more often.

You started doing the check list in chapter 2. Most people do it to start with which makes your story stronger. But it's a common error that we all do. We say to ourselves we need to make sure that we hit all the important backstory info so people understand our character and where he's at at the moment. You did that perfectly in the first chapter. We don't need they he did xyz in the 2nd. The info is written well, but should be distributed through out the book as opposed to an onslaught in the start of the 2nd chapter. It would be okay to talk about how Horace and Swerve became friends and the drug issues Swerve had at the end of high school in the first chapter. Swerve is in that chapter so it makes sense there. When Horace goes to work then give us the background on how he got into that position. It makes the read easier and keeps the reader involved.

Now remember, I haven't been published this is just what I've gleamed from crits and what I've learned since I started really editing my books.

You'll see from my profile that punctuation doesn't deter from my star rating. I rate on the skill and story line. You are extremely descriptive, but with useful emotions, feelings and superlatives. I had no desire to gloss over your prose which I do in even published books. There's a guy on here named Bradley Wind and he does free bookcovers I think, I'm not 100% on how that works because my neicy did mine. I'd hate for your book to get overlooked because you used a standard cover. It's well written and should rise. I've watchlisted and will move to my shelf when I rotate my books.

Good luck and keep writing you have a talent for it.
Michel Prince

Pitch:

“Horace Giles is learning the hard way that a degree isn't a shield from life's hard knocks.” – Smashingly hard and bitter reality, which can be likened to a boxer's, regaining consciousness from a blow that has left him/her in a corner of boxing ring. I bet, this is a hard reality to many too hard to come to terms with.

“In a surprising turn of fate an intriguing, enigmatic woman comes back into the picture.” They always do. I have also chronicled this scenario in part three of book, “Destined to Triumph”, titled THE WIFE WHO MELTED A GOLDEN WEDDING RING INTO A TOOTH.

Intriguing. I will read on.