A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

YARG review

So, I want to get one thing out of the way, that I noticed quickly. The language your using is very simple, colloquial, easy to read, which is very good considering that this is a novel for younger folk. I wouldn't go as far to say "young adult" as opposed to, perhaps, children, but I've only read the first two chapters, so I really wouldn't know much about it.

I'm gonna be a little harsh here, but what I'm about to say is said in the intent to help, and not hurt. You dialogue is overplayed. In some cases, that's good, but in a story where the environment itself is a character, as yours most certainly is, it's important to take the time to describe things. If you feel like you have enough, odds are generally good that you don't. That's what my writing teacher told me, anyways. I'm not saying go back and rewrite all thirty-one chapters; that would be ridiculous. It's just something you may want to keep in mind for future writing projects.

Another thing you may want to keep in mind, next time, is that if you're going to do large blocks of internal monologue anyways, you might as well write in the first person. I'm usually the first guy to say "DO NOT WRITE IN FIRST PERSON", but in this case I would make an exception. You seem to use gratuitous amounts of internal monologue as it is, which isn't a bad thing, it just sort of stops the story, which some readers, i've found, can find annoying.

Please remember that everything I have said is in no way requirements. You are the writer, and you are the one who makes all the decisions.

Despite all of these things, i think you have a cute and interesting book here.

YARG review and Read Swap!

Hi Barnard,

you set up your very sweet tale quite nicely. The allegorical message isn't overplayed and the character of the rebellious sheep is pretty convincing. You write clearly with very few small errors and have a lovely, warm open tone which really soothes the reader into the book.

I'm afraid that besides your clear ability to write and your talent for spinning a tale, at 85,000 words this book simply doesn't have an audience. Its tone is more aimed at young children but it's an adult length book. After the three chapters I've read I feel that - given the subject matter it would be about to conclude but there are still at least 70,000 words left.

I see that I'm not the first person to give you this message and obviously it must be a hard one to hear as you've no doubt spent a long time writing it. I don't want to take away from your hard work and ability, but I've learnt this lesson myself in the past that you have to know your audience from the very beginning of the writing process and write to the expected lengths that most young readers can handle.

Here are my close observations

Terrified, he dropped into the tall grass trying to hide in the BLADES
-the repetition of adjective-noun can be rather jarring - tall glass / green blades

muscled
-better muscly or muscular

A wolf doesn’t have to follow the Shepherd or do what the Orthodox Sheep tells them to do.
-this is quite a foreign concept to drop in without first introducing to the readers

you if you didn’t stay close to the Flock, safe in the Meadows with the Shepherd.
-presumably your use of capitals is intentional?

That must be like a gang,
-why would a sheep understand the concept of a gang but not a pack?

Timothy wasn’t sure how his dad knew, but figured he had to BE RIGHT.

Overhead a few billowy clouds floated in a bright, sunny sky.
comma

Timothy thought his own shortness made his stocky body look a little plump, which he hated.
- I really don't think you should introduce issues of body image into a children's book

Timothy said superciliously.
-bit too advanced language

The counting sheep thing - you suggest it's just Timmy's joke but then they seem to talk seriously about it - it's not clear

How often do you even notice the Shepherd anyway? I’ve only ever seen Him from a distance.
- I know this is part of the allegory but it doesn't really work as sheep do spend time near the shepherd

with no one to boss me around. I want to be MY OWN ram.

He knew that the Mid-Meadows stretched out in each direction for a long WAY.

He returned closer to the truth. "Yeah.
-full stop/period (UK/US) you always close a sentence before speech unless it directly attributes who is talking - he said/ she replied etc.


Nothing there too major and as I said, in general, your writing is very polished.

Lots of luck with this, I'd be happy to look at it again if you were re-considering who the book is aimed at.

best wishes
Benedict

YARG
CCRG
Dear Barnard: Thank you for contacting me about reading your book. You certainly have a lot of talent and imagination and are able to get inside the head of a young person. I like seeing the Christian concept of the Good Shepherd portrayed in your story. Also a good portrayal of bullying and rebellion that is so common among children. Barnard, my only thought, as far as improvement goes, is that, while this is a story that children would love, I don't think it would appeal to early teens. For readers who are children, though, the length of the chapters and much of the prose is a bit advanced, so you've a dilemma here! I would really like to see you aim toward children than young adolescents. Break up your chapters a whole lot more and substitute a lot more dialogue for the lengthy paragraphs. This would be a fantastic book if it were illustrated! and if the chapters were considerably shorter - I think children would really enjoy it. Your characters are so loveable: Timothy, Johnny. I know it will take a lot of work to revamp it for children - but I think it would be well worth your time. You have a potential best-selling children's book here and for it's creativity and potential, I'm giving it a lot of stars!

Dear Barnard: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Father. Barnard, thank you so, so much for your marvelous, kind, and thorough review! I will certainly take all of your comments to heart. Your book is still on my watchlist for further reading and I hope to get to it again soon. Blessings to you. Pat

YARG
Hi Barnard,
here for our reading swap!
I think stories are an excellent way to get a message across and have been used through time in this way, from religious texts to Aesop's fables and fairy tales. So the concept is marvellous.

My only query is that the message seems to be more of a YA message, but the medium is for younger children. There is a bit of a mismatch here that a publisher might query. YA aged readers (teenagers) would tend to be reading more realistic writing, stories of real gangs and drugs etc. I have a six year old and a nine year old boy. You might just interest my six year old with this, but my nine year old would definitely say it was too 'babyish' for him, because of its allegoric feel.
All the best, it is an admirable project for a worthy cause, but I would think carefully about the age range you are aiming for and what that age range looks for in a story.
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

I am thinking of rewriting the first chapter to be part of chapter 22 and 23. There is a better hook there. Any thoughts?

This is a bit more of a YARG review

Comments on Ch 9, Ch 22 and 23, as requested.

Ch 9

“Stiffly he got up” seems backwards. I’d say “He got up stiffly”, although yours has a poetic feel.

In the first paragraph, you mention the willows an awful lot. In fact, six times in two paragraphs!

“He wasted no time appreciating the beauty of the scene..” This sounds like he got straight on with appreciating it.

“must drag the bottoms of the clouds.” Lovely!

“He was still worried if the badger knew he wasn’t what he pretended to be.” This doesn’t appear to be a complete sentence.

I like that Timothy meets the skunk and badger. It suddenly seems Disney-esque.

Ch 22

Villain is a great name for a wolf!

I guess Timmm is because he bleated his name too them?

“thirty-something wolves” I’m used to seeing this as a way to describe a person’s age. I’d use thirty or so, perhaps, to make it clear that the wolves aren’t in their thirties.

“those old biddy’s” Should be “biddies”.

This chapter is a test for Timothy, and I’m not sure he really does the right thing. I like the action and the difficulty Timothy has in deciding what he should do.

Ch 23

This chapter is quite violent. Maybe the bubbling neck wound might be a bit much for your youngest readers?

I can see that there is a Christian message here. Well, again I’ve enjoyed your work and I hope that my few comments here are useful.

Lucy

YARG:
Barnard,

Interesting premise and I’ve enjoyed reading the first three chanpters. I’ve got a few nits below—tried to focus on anything that took me out of the flow of reading:

Does wool quiver? Quiver implies that it is an entity capable of action….My hair wouldn’t quiver….

“Collectively, all” is redundant. You only need one of these words.

Can the Shepard speak sheep?

Overall, I think it’s a little narrative heavy. I’d revisit to see if you need all of the dialogue. For example, it’s really clear that Timothy wants to rebel. You could pare back some of his internal narrative without losing the reader.

Best,
Melissa

Hi Ben, Thank you for the excellent critique on the first two chapters. There are always things that get missed or forgotten, particularly in editing. I will definitely correct the past tenses you noticed.

Thanks too for the compliments. I hope you will read more. You have a sharp eye and I appreciate that. Getting a good critique is always nice. There are some good chapters ahead where he runs away and joins the wolf gang. And my favorite chapter is #23. Chapter 22 leads into it, so I always recommend reading that as well if someone wants to skip ahead. I look forward to hearing more from you.

I read the pitch for your book and I then watchlisted the book. I'll be happy to swap reads. Bullying is far more common that we hear about and affects many of us differently. I relate very much to the bullying problem.

I saw you are a YARG reader. I only just yesterday was told about YARG. I did post a notice of my story there and I hope to participate in that forum. I am a regular on the Christian Lit Forum already.

Thanks again, Ben. I will get back to you with some comments on your novel.

This is a YARG review

A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing
Overall, this is an unusual story because of the sheep POV and that’s what makes it enjoyable. There are very few mistakes or bits I didn’t like, so not much really distracts from the story. I hope you don’t mind that I made a note of a few as I read.

Ch 1

“he could hear her wool quivering.” I love this description.

“there were always a few that went missing.” Since this is a direct thought, I think it would make more sense as “there are always a few that go missing.” I think Timothy’s thoughts should always be present tense.

Hyphenate dusty-looking.

Ch 2

“Or were they flies?” Again, I’d make this present tense.

“he thought huffily” shouldn’t be in italics.

Hyphenate straight-laced.

You mentioned that Timothy is almost two too many times in this chapter.

“We’re always moving around…” This bit should be in italics.

“The wolves this and the wolves that.” I really like this bit!

I wasn’t aware of the Christian aspect of the story until this chapter. The involvement of the Shepherd and referring to him as “He” suddenly made it clear. Anyway, this is a fun story and it’s pitched just right for the younger audience. I liked what I read and it works well as a moral story.

Lucy

YARG Review:

This is certainly one of the more unusual books I've come across since joining Authonomy. I like your opening paragraphs, however from the way it's written, I wasn't expecting the wolves to be that close. Nice scene with them playing whilst Timothy cowers. He has a strong internal voice which adds creedence to his character.

I would change the following lines slightly so he's talking in present tense - They eat sheep, and there ARE always a few WHICH GO missing. Everyone KNOWS the wolves WILL eat you if you DON'T stay close to the flock . . . If I WAS a wolf . . . Good image of the stag bouncing away and wolves giving chase!

Ah, those dastardly wolves. I think you have a strong ending for the first chapter. In order to make the wolves seem less generic, I hope they'll be given their own names (and dialogue). Although, I'm fairly certain that's yet to come. From your pitch, I'd say you've taken the well known children's story and turned it on its head.

Chapter two, I love Timothy's parental issues here. His internal dialogue (despite the humour) is very truthful. Then we have Johnny, a lanky sheep, which brings to mind a comically sad picture. Your section of dialogue (between Johnny and Timothy) is superb and brilliantly written. I also love the inclusion here of the Othodox Sheep.

Yes, a rambunctious young ram has to experience life for himself. Fantastic line referring to the mysterious and exotic Outside World. How can one little sheep be so inquisitive? Oh wait, he's a two-ager! I can't quite fathom how much fun you had writing this, especially with the mention of bogey-wolves.

Your dialogue is really catchy and each scene cleverly has its own tone. The appearance of Buster and Gainer (great name choices by the way) was a welcome surprise. Then we have Timothy making his escape into a game to save face. I'm not a huge fan of animal stories (other than Joe's Ginger), but your writing style is hugely engaging.

Highly starred!

Ben - The Frogness of Being

What a really unusual idea for a book! Kinda metaphorical at the same time as being a really good, well told story. Will read a decent amount and come back to you. Have you tried joining the YARG thread? That's all for YA books.

This is such a cool idea for a book. I already like what I am seeing in the first two chapters.
You have a great style to develop your story.
The POV of a a sheep is different but good. You develop the characters and plot very well.
It is different but that is what draws the reader to it.
Grand work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Chapter 22 and 23 are definitely the tops. This is a fun fable that I would want my kids to read.

I liked the puns and humor. The characters really worked for me.

Very nice book. I loved it. Bookshelf plus 6 stars.

Read through chapter 10. then skipped to chapter 21. Great story so far....

Read through chapter 4. I liked the made up sheep inspired terms, such as, "chafe my wool" and "two-agers" Very creative! I think I will read your two favorite chapters tomorrow. I liked the order of the first two chapters and didn't think it was too violent for your audience, so far.
Blessings!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Barnard,

I just read ch. 22 and 23. Sad, but very touching. I can't imagine that it would be too violent for middle school kids given today's environment and everything kids are exposed to, but I'll leave that to those more knowledgable on the subject.

Great writing!

Patti

Hi Barnard,
I've just read four chapters of your book and I think it's great for the age group you're targeting. You asked about the order of ch. 1 & 2. I like it the way it is, and I agree with Dianna about using the stag incident to lead into ch. 3. I like the way you write, especially all the subtle phrases which expose exactly the way children think.
It's rather telling how Timothy's mum reacts, when he has been butted by Buster. His parents jump to their own conclusions, without taking time to really hear what happened, or to offer comfort. I like the cute phrases like having 'a late munch', and the 'two-ager' word is rather clever.
The book is quite long for young readers, but would be great for parents to read to their children at night. I don't know whether parents still do that these days, but it was my favorite time of the day.
Since the major message is the tragic outcome of rebellion and bad decision making, not to mention the horrors of bullying, I think this book should be required reading for grade school children. It would introduce them to the concept of the Good Shepherd, without being overtly Christian.
I don't pretend to know much about writing a pitch, but I think your long pitch needs some work, and I would pitch it primarily to educationalists, as a book on social awareness and anti-bullying.
Good work.

PS. My parents were not Christians, but they allowed me to go to Sunday School from the age of three. The first time I went, I was confronted with a picture of the Good Shepherd with His sheep, and must have been told what it meant. At three I made the decision that I wanted the Good Shepherd to look after me, since I was weak and small. I have never wavered from that decision, and now at 65, I can say it is the best decision I ever made.

Kerrie Price
THE GOD PLEASERS 40 Day Study Guide

Chapter 22 and 23 are my favorites and I heartily recoommend those two if the book piques your interest.
22 explains how they end up in the Meadow for the events in 23. Action packed and emotional. Also - this has the most violent scene in the book here. Please comment on the violence and whether it is too much for middle school children. Thanks..

Barnard,

I finally got around to reading the "right" book of yours. Yes - I like this one much better! :-) How cute!! And very funny - I love some of your word choices and descriptions. This is very creative and you really keep the reader's interest. I read the first 3 chapters. The hook in the 1st chapter is definitely quite good, but then I was momentarily confused when I got to chapter 2. Not sure what the best way is to handle that.

High stars for now and will keep you on my watchlist for further reading.

All the best to you!

Patti

Barnard,

You asked me to revisit Sheep In Wolves Clothing to check out some changes you had made. I am very honored that you would ask. I remember reading this straight through the first time I read. I was thoroughly impressed with the message, knowing that my kids would be entertained and learn a great lesson as well. You are a remarkably talented writer. That is evident in this book as well as in Hive which is of a totally different genre.

I took a look at the first three chapters I like the opening. It is a great attention grabber. My only suggestion is to make reference to that Stag incident in chapter two and then in the opening of Chapter three, say something along the lines of when Timothy heard that howl it sent a chill down his spin and made him think of the stag incident. He looked up at the ridge where the wolves were earlier in the day… and then go into “There above him on the high grassy hill… (Don’t use my words, they stink, I just wanted you to get the idea.) But anyway, something like that will smooth the transition into chapter three.

As for the violence in chapter 23. I have and eight year old in third grade. I wouldn’t have a problem at all with her reading that. I think it is wonderful that you are concerned though.

I liked the ending. Fear motivates us to do things we don’t want to, but also not being content with the way God made us also makes us do things that mess with His perfect plan and renders us ineffective for His purposes. This is an exaggerated example but I think you’ll get the idea: If we’re poor we may be tempted to steal then we’ll end up in jail. We won’t be doing anyone any good. If we’re shy we may drink to make us more outgoing and that can be a destructive road. Maybe you could add something like that but geared toward kids. Just my opinion… Another six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Dear Barnard,

I've just finished the first two chapters of your marvelous story. I really love where you are going with this! As a former middle school teacher, I see this fitting perfectly into that age group of grades 6-8. Kids in that range definitely feel misunderstood and struggle with the authority of their parents "telling them what to do!" This is a great premise, and I believe it will be helpful (and entertaining) for kids of this age. If you are considering focusing on a younger age group, you might want to tone down the violence, but what I've read so far (the part about the stag in the opening) seemed fine for the middle grades.

I really like your idea of providing such a strong hook in chapter one. As it stands right now, the intensity in chapter one really grabs the reader. Chapter two does provide more necessary backstory and insight into Timothy's internal struggle. If it were me, I would leave it as you have it. I love the use of italics also. This really showed the story through Timothy's eyes by giving the reader a glimpse of his internal thoughts and helps us to see how he wants to be "wild and free." This even enabled you to insert humor, too (ie: "or were they flies?").

I'm so glad I came across your story. I am holding it on my WL and look forward to reading more of this wonderfully creative, uplifting piece.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Question to any who read the comments section. Chapter 2 is the beginning of the story. I switched it to try and add a stronger hook as the first chapter. Should I go back to a straight alignment of the story?

Hello Barnard:

What a creative premise! I read the first three chapters and was delighted at the occasional sheep puns. I think that one observation that I would make is that this would probably fit more into children's lit than YA That being said, it you want to market the book to children, you may want to change the name of Orthodox Sheep, since many may not know what Orthodox means

Blessings to you as you continue to grow in your creative gift of writing through parable.

James

Solid stuff from what I've read so far. Definitely enjoyed the "sheep-idioms" used in the text that others have mentioned.

Barnard,

I’ve been working my way down the list and you were next for the CCRG review. I did what you suggested and read chapters six through eight and then read twenty-two through twenty-four.

The story is really good - it has lots of action and shows what I imagine to be the true feelings of someone who is prone to wander from the “flock.” I found it hard to fathom that Timmy, who had things so good, would find the outside world so enticing. But that is the way it is with every wayward child, isn’t it? I’ve been with parents who have scratched their heads in confusion and brokenness why “Johnny‘s” heart is captured by destructive things of the world. That strange inward call is what it is - perplexing - and it has to be very painful for a parent.

It was really sad to watch Timmy begin to believe his lie more and more until to him it became the truth.
You wrote, “They don’t know the first thing about wolves he told himself. Yep, I know much more now than they do. He was sure he was a regular wolf at heart.” Oh the lies we can tell ourselves until we actually start to believe them.

I thought it was good that Timmy was caught in his deception. It allows the young reader to feel the shame and humiliation that comes from being caught in a disobedient act. They just may be kept from temptation.

In chapter eight, I have to laugh at the curse word, “Oh, Shepherd!”

In regards to the violence in the ending chapters, I didn’t think it was too much. The slashing of Skipper’s neck was really, really tragic, but then again, it was very real. And wolves wouldn’t be wolves if they didn’t kill. A “sacrificial” death or two had to occur in order to reach Timmy’s hardened heart. After all, if we weren’t made to feel sorrow for the high price that was paid for our souls, we’d still be just as blood-thirsty as those hungry packs of wolves.

A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing is a well-written, highly meaningful allegory that young and old alike can read and discuss together. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

What a brilliant concept.
And carried through so effectively with effortless writing.

I'm starring this highly now and will find space on my shelf for it soon.

Good luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hello, Barnard, just read chapter twenty-three for your. A sheep in wolf's clothing. That's a twist on things, isn't it? You've created an allegory where a Christian is wishing to change his colors, but it appears that, for Timothy, this act has drastic consequences. Just like Timothy, we often do not see that our decisions to sin will hurt others. The part at the end about the Shepherd not showing up also has an important connection to the Christian's life. Many times when we experience pain we are ready to blame God. Hopefully Timothy will see that trusting God through pain and trials is our only option. Thank you for sharing your work and for responding. Take care!
Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Barnard, greetings. I like the satire you've written. You use sheep to show what we think and do.We always seek the greener grass. We may not admit to that, but it's there. You handled it very well.

I found Linda N. Edelstein's book "Writer's Guide to Character Traits" is great for fleshing out your characters. Like Narcissism, it gives a short defination and then a list of characteristics of the trait both internal and external. It's a must for writers.

Good luck with your writing skills,

Don R. Budd

Hello, Barnard! We're in the same Christian critique group, so I dropped by to read your first chapter. I can tell that you're setting your MC apart from the other sheep with his thoughts. Timothy seems deeper than the other sheep, for better and for worse. He is capable of sympathy for the arrogant stag, but also of jealousy of the wolves. It's realistic that this jealousy is still mixed with fear. Your beginning gets straight to the point and serves as an action-packed hook, but I wondered if there would be some way to mention Timothy's desire to be free spirited sooner. Maybe there could be a scene with the other sheep that helps to illustrate Timothy's independence. It might be sort of sudden the way it is now, but that's just an idea for you to consider if you like. If you get a chance, I hope you'll check out my Christian novel, Leave Me Asking. Best of luck with your work.
Jonie

As I promised I go back to the beginning and read the opening. I want to say it's great, Barnard! This is an evocative chapter with a great character in Timothy. I love the epigraph - well chosen. Hope to read the continuation soon.

Kindest regards,
Ivan Amberlake

I read your chapter 24. I love the allegory that is occuring here. It is really beautiful, something that will attract children and adults to this book. My favorite line wasn't until the very end. "Timothy's tears streamed down his face, mixing with Skipper's blood." That imagery you use here is really profound and I could see happening before me. Great job with this. Once again, I have to thank you for your loyal support and recommendations of Maddy Hatfield. Best of luck with your book!

Ashley

I liked chapters 9 and 10 very much, especially the latter. Much more descriptive and detailed, a nice change of format and style from the beginning of the book. I also love the badger--he's hilarious! Still lots of unnecessary inner dialog, though. And the chapter ends rather abruptly. But I think chapter 10 is my favourite so far. Nice job!

Dyane

So I read until chapter 8. The story is developing nicely, as we are continuing to follow Timmy's development into a brazen, angry young sheep. I do have a few comments to share with you, and as usual, they are free to be taken or ignored as you see fit.

In chapter 6, I felt that sense of repetition again. I understand you are establishing Timmy's reasons for rationalizing his behaviour, but I feel you might be driving the points too hard. His fear of the shepherd is mentioned more than once, his growing disgust for the sheep because of their naivete is stated in this chapter and has already been named in previous chapters. Also, I think it's in chapter 7, there is another really long discussion with Johnny. Because the two often talk and the same dynamic happens between them (Timmy figuring out how to manipulate his friend), that sense of repetition creeps in again. The result makes the chapter and the over all story feel drawn out. I think with some good restructuring of the first 7 chapters, you could pare down or condense these sections which would vastly improve your story.

I really like how you develop the growing sense of alienation that results from his lies and pride.

It's unfortunate that the elders are only sketchy characters, but I realize in children's books, this is often the case. I guess that's the adult in me coming out. lol

I also notice that you tell us every one of Timmy's thoughts. By now, you have established his motivations and personality very well, so you could probably cut them out completely, shorten those sections or imply them in more creative ways (facial expressions, his actions). That's another thing: I find you tell a lot of the story rather than show. It would really be nice to have more body language and setting descriptions to help drive the story. That would add another dimension to it. For example, to play up his sense of guilt or fear of getting caught, it might be fun if Timmy thought the Shepherd was coming for him. Like, due to tricks of the light, he might 'see' him in the woods, or hear sounds in the forest that cause him to think the Shepherd is following him.

The tone of the story is very consistent which makes for a less interesting read. I point this out, because when we finally get to the point where Timmy gets caught, the tone changes drastically, and I was like “YES! Real drama at last!”

Lastly, I thought for a children's book, the word “subverted” might be a little too hard.

That's it for now. I am still enjoying the story, especially the fable-like tone to it. I will check in later on and read the next few chapters.

Dyane

Hi!
So I have read the first 5 chapters, and over all, I am enjoying the story very much. You develop Timmy's character very well, as we can follow his progress from a scared, frustrated lamb to a proud, angry one. He's also 'relatable' to the reader, since we have all, at some point, experienced some of the challenges and feelings he does. The story is light and fun to read as a parable. I also enjoy the childlike quality of the story. I think the language and the situations you use are just right for children and youths. I am not sure how older ones, like adolescents, would take it; it might be a little 'young' for them. But as an adult who really enjoys fairy tales, fables and the like, I have no problem getting into the story.

I am not an expert on grammar or punctuation, so I can't comment on those things. But I do agree with some of the comments below, that repeating certain events, like Timmy returning to try on the skin, etc. can become a little tedious. Also, I found the pacing a little slow for my liking, but that might be due to me being an adult. On the other hand, since children like repetition (which you often see in their books) and a slower paced story, it might be appropriate for them.

Lots of fun! I am looking forward to reading more.

Charlotte12

- A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing -

(Chapters 4-6)

As with the first three chapters, I’ve enjoyed reading this. I am absolutely clueless when it comes to both children’s and Christian fiction so I can’t make any claims to knowing the lie of the land here and I remain in the dark as to exactly what middle grade fiction is so I suppose my comments should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Nevertheless, I found the characters sweet and loveable, with Timothy having something of a mischevious streak that renders him as a kind of sheep Dennis the Menace. I thought the character came across well due to the contrast with his more timid friends in relation to how they felt on discovering the sheep skin and in how he enjoyed chasing away the lambs once in his get-up. Due to the obvious Biblical allegory in the book, I also wondered whether Timothy and his friends’ experience with the sheep had something of a Garden of Eden quality to it, with Timothy seemingly more world-knowledgable than his innocent, read pure, friends. But perhaps I’m reading too much into that….

I did wonder whether these scenes could have been pared back to move the story on more quickly. Specifically, I mean in how the same scene of trying on the wolf skin is really repeated twice over, once with Johnny in attendance, once with the others. As I say though, I have zero knowledge about these things so I make no claims to being right.

In terms of nitpicks, I noticed a couple of occasions where a comma before a gerund would really be preferable so as not to make the sentence confusing. For example:

-‘Dead?’ Johnny asked craning his neck…. (Chapter 4)

-He began to struggle violently under the skin trying to get it off (chapter 5)

In any case, I haven’t been able to deduce any major flaws and have enjoyed the read.

All the best with it,

Ross

Just read Chapter 25 and was deeply impressed. The best thing I like about reading your book is I don't know what's going to happen next. Very suspenseful. Well done! I think I'll go to Chapter 1 now that I've read the chapters you suggested.

Kindest regards,
Ivan

I am enjoying this and I think it's a refreshing idea you have come up with, but I'm not sure a young adult would be interested in reading about a sheep becoming a wolf. It seems more like something a younger set of readers would like if it weren't for the violence.

I am concerned your pitch sounds as if it's directed more at children than young adults in some places. In the second paragraph maybe you could say the Point instead of repeating Big Rock Point.

I look forward to reading more.

you use brilliant description for this book- you bring along and send chills down the spine...
good enough to back...
read SEASONS...

Hi, Bernard – this is your CCRG review from Audrey. I often bring my English-teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, along on reviews; anything you don’t like was probably her idea. She’s a Hag.

I read about 2 and a half chapters and found this to be a charming allegory. I would have definitely enjoyed reading this to my children!! You use the qualities of the sweet, playful, and safe sheep to great effect.

I love the SP and LP.

I like the scenario presented in the first chapter. Timothy has many good reasons for admiring the freedom of the wolves. As a reader, I would have liked seeing at least one example of the Orthodox Sheep ordering the rest of the herd around, or even a remark from the Shepherd. Just a little taste of why Timothy feels ‘restricted’ by their presence.

“…their dark bodies were lean and muscled….” Recast this sentence to get rid of the passive verb. A number of your sentences need this edit. Just search on the verbs of being…..is, are, was, were, be, being, been, and revise. This is especially important for a story that is to be read aloud.

“All the cooler young rams….” I would advocate for a more descriptive word here. “All the strong young rams….” “All the athletic young rams…” Or even just “All the other young rams…” (This is probably a personal pet peeve, but I hate to see the cool kids and the Christian kids face off as rivals. I know too many cool kids who are also Christian….)

“…his bleating heart and issues….” Very clever.

“Timothy tried to act indifferent and cool.” Maybe use “indifferent and aloof.”

I love Timothy’s ranting once Johnny is on the scene. Very effective.

“I’m a two-ager…” Perfect!! I’m really enjoying this conversation between Timothy and Johnny.

I was a bit lost at the start of Chapter three. Did Timothy run away from his friends?

“Oh, gosh. It’s getting late. I have to hurry home…..you have the closing quotation marks in the wrong place.

I enjoyed reading this. Best of luck to you!!
~Audrey

Hi Barnard, The synopsis sounded fable-like and I wondered how that would fill a book. It does and because you have a fantastic ability to make the sheep into involving characters. There are so many quips that come naturally to the sheep herd (insert hoof into mouth) and I also liked the bluebells and the descriptions of the wolves. You've stayed with the real lives of the sheep while bringing the reader right into a vision of their lives with each other. I also really liked the concept of the Orthodox sheep though it doesn't come in very much the first chapters, keeping me curious about their rules which they seem to have. While this also seemed an analogy, that and the fable feeling are kept in the background with Timothy's bravery with the wolf at the Shepherd's tent and his issues with Buster. I haven't read anything quite like it and think that young readers would love imagining the herd life with the story. The only crit is that you might think of their reading levels as far as descriptive style and that only in places. Shelved (when I'm on my shelving computer) & starred - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Wide Awake Loons, The Swan Bonnet)

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

Barnard,

Excellent pitch, I read all of it, which I do very rarely, only when the writer intrigues me by his/her message to the reader. You sure did. I turn to Chapter 23 as recommended and find it a great way to attract attention to the most intense part of the book.

Chapter 23 - The Battle with the Flock
It seems Timothy is not so happy about turning into a wolf now that the Pack are planning an attack on sheep. You have great action scenes further in the chapter – they are extremely well-done and breathtaking! Excellent writing, definite six stars from me – I would love to go on reading further.

Kindest regards,
Ivan

Title: At first glance I thought it was just okaaay, but after some rereading and thought of the title I actually really like it.

Book Cover. Not really a fan of. Well, you aren’t responsible for a good cover. That’s for the illustrators.

Pitch: That first sentence may be the most intriguing pitch I have seen on this site. You don’t need the second line. It weakens the first one if that’s even possible.

Chapter 1: what a great beginning. I already have an idea what the world of sheep are. I loved it. I loved the idea that you have created a children’s/adults story that can be connected with the antidote of sleeping of counting the sheep which is what we all grew up with. It adds a little depth to your story without you knowing it. (well maybe you did because you use ‘counting sheep’ in chapter 2)

I loved that you started with action. Right from the very first line. It was a story about a sheep wanting to become a wolf and here in the beginning you see them scared of these creatures. What an idea.

When the wolf grinned I smiled. That was so awesome. It was a great great moment and I think it gave me a few goosebumps.

Francois’ quote doesn’t really need to be there. I have a pet peeve for using quotes that aren’t the writer’s. So I might be a litte bias.

Don’t think you need ‘I wish they were at a much . . .” I knew they were close. sounds a little redundant.

Chapter 2: A very nice sequel of chap 1. Love how you keep it about the sheep world. That’s the appeal. Your writing flows, there’s really nothing I can critique in this chapter. It stays consistent with the last chap in tone and structure to a degree and stays on track with where the story is going.

Loved when Ewellen said ‘watch were you’re frolicking.’ That had me laughing. 6 stars. I just love the story and the idea of a sheep world. Can’t back you because I just recently changed my entire shelf and I want to give them more time.

I read the first chapter. I'll take a look at more tomorrow. So far, you are off to a great start! I am not great at grammar or writing mechanics, so my comments won't cover those. I do want to comment on how publishable I think this is though! I children just learning to read will love having this read to them, and that it is perfect for those in grades 3-4. I think that there will be a good message within the story too. Tomorrow, when I'm more rested, I will come back for another peek. If I see anything that really stands out, I'll leave a comment. Best of luck with this!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Nice tension at the opening of this. The lambs' fear is palpable and serves as a really strong hook. I'm not usually a fan of novels with talking animals, but for the time being, the intense start has made me overlook this.

I love the realization the lambs have as they watch the wolves play. It's a life-changing event for them, and a lesson that can be carried over to the real world. It's also interesting how the idea of wanting to be someone else comes into play here. I can see there's going to be several powerful messages in this novel.

The scene with the stag was gripping, and I could see kids holding their breath during it. You probably just broke a few hearts. Nonetheless, what an intense, well-written introduction. As an adult, I'm hooked.

The bible references narrow your market, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it'll be hard to find a mainstream agent/publisher for your book.

Timothy is easy for younger readers to relate to. He wants to be someone else, do something fun for a change, and get away from his suffocating parents who embarrass him in front of pretty ewes, all of which are common feelings for teenagers. Great job making this relevant. I wonder, though, if his attitude toward Johnny might make him harder to like? Can you make give him some redeeming quality along with this? Maybe some guilt as he's saying these things?

Fantastic line: "bleating heart." Nice play on words. Also "counting sheep." There's a lot of opportunities for sheep puns, and you do a good job with them.

Nice ending to the chapter, hooking your reader for more.

Suggestions: How about, "Look, wolves!" This feels a little wordy at times and makes your sentence fluency a bit clunky. If you can trim some of the sentences down, removing unnecessary words, this will flow even better. For example, "The wolves were nipping at each others' heels and jumping about the small clearing below the trees they had just came out of" gives us way more detail than we need. "The wolves nipped at each others' heels and jumped around the clearing." The rest of the info can be implied from what you've already told us. Another: you can cut "be" from "They suddenly didn't seem..." There are also a few times you show instead of tell. For example, how about: "Many sheep in the flock wore scars from close encounters." Is there a reason you don't call the prologue chapter one? For the most part, your adverbs are fine, but on occasion I felt like your writing would be stronger without them. I'd comb through and cut where possible. I felt like Timmy and Johnny's conversation about the flock went on a little too long. Much of the information/feelings have already been revealed to the reader, so it felt unnecessary in parts. I'd consider trimming from this and moving along the plot.

Typos: With dialogue, make sure your punctuation goes inside the quotation. "Maybe they won't notice us," Ewellen prayed. You're missing a period after "which he hated." Other than that, this is well-edited.

This is an outstanding start. It is well-written and has an interesting and relevant premise. It's also perfectly marketed for the target age group. I could see this selling well. Good job! Highly rated!

As a Christian I really like the allegorical nature of this, and the fact that you have managed to produce an 85,000 manuscript speaks a lot of your creativity and overall strength of the premise.

Having said that, it could be that 65-75,000 words might be a better fit and it could give you the opportunity to re-edit and look for passages that can be slimmed down and words or phrases that add litte could be culled.

The William Horwood wolves and mole series show that there is a real market for this type of material if it can be done well enough.

I have given it a solid 5 star rating.

M.P. Jones ("They Shoot Birds Don't They?")

Hi Grey, here are my thoughts on chapter 2.

Chapter 2.
{Gasping} Timothy staggered to a stop. (Terrified), he’d been running... I don’t think you need either of the bracketed words. “Staggered” in the first sentence, implies he’s been running, which you then state anyway in the next sentence. The 2nd bracketed word is also superfluous, as Timothy’s body language indicates his state of mind... staggered to a stop... he’d been running non-stop...
...come after me, (he gasped), since this is internal dialogue, he wouldn’t be able to gasp these words.
Repetition: ...Timothy felt safer by the (tent).He moved up closer to the (tent)... He stuck his head into the (tent). The (tent) was very plain inside. ..was all the (tent) contained. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: ...Timothy felt safer by the tent. He moved up closer and looked at the loose hanging door flap... He stuck his head inside... The interior was very plain... There was a simple cot with a chest at its foot and a plain wooden table. Standing on the table...
...but Skipper bristled. Finally (he) finished... You need to replace “he” with Timothy’s name; otherwise it sounds as if Skipper’s telling the story.
Syntax: ...but Skipper (was) practically (called) him a liar. Should be: But Skipper practically called him a liar.
Repetition: ... they would return to the Shepherd’s tent the next (day) about mid-(day). Suggest replacing the latter bracketed word with: ...about noon.
“What’s going on?” (he) asked... “What’s going on?” (Timothy) asked.
She seemed embarrassed about being caught discussing the subject. You don’t need this sentence. The fact that she blurted it out says it all.
That didn’t sound much better, Timothy thought. This is internal dialogue so needs to be in italics.
...it was harder to be brave with just two (than four). You don’t need the bracketed words.
He had to think fast (or they weren’t going to go). Again, you don’t need the bracketed word – it’s stating the obvious.
But Johnny was nodding furiously (in affirmative). Don’t need this, the fact he’s nodding shows his agreement.
Syntax: ...Timothy (has) assigned him. The bracketed word should be “had”.
The paragraph beginning: He ambled... to Feeling braver, he moved forward... is sprinkled with the word “tent.” Try thinning it out as suggested earlier.
Syntax: Faintly he could hear Johnny (called) out to him... Faintly he could hear Johnny calling out to him...

Hi Grey, here're my thoughts on Chapter 1.

Chapter 1.
From here he could see a long way across the (Meadows). This is the best way to keep track of the latest news in the (Meadow). You’ve already established Timothy’s whereabouts, so you don’t need the 2nd bracketed word, just: This is the best way to keep track of the latest news...
From here he could see both ends of this (meadow)...suggest replacing this with: From here he could see both ends of the grassland... which means the same as meadow. If you need to repeat something, try to find a way of describing the same thing with a different word.
It gave him an overview of everything happening around him. You don’t need this sentence, since you’ve already stated: From here he could see both ends of this meadow. It’s saying the same thing, albeit in a different way, but it’s still unnecessary repetition.
The paragraph beginning: Being bored... and ending: My folks just don’t understand me – made me grin.
Typo: (The they) were fun to explore, I think you mean: They were fun to explore...
Repetition: They were fun to (explore)... ...my parents keep trying to prevent me from (exploring) it. Suggest replacing the 2nd bracketed word with: ... my parents keep trying to prevent me from going there.
“Oh lambskin...” You have this piece of Timothy’s internal dialogue in normal font and with inverted commas, when previously you’ve had his thoughts in italics and without the inverted commas.
I’m not a lamb (any more)... This should be one word: anymore.
Syntax... I’m two almost. Flows better as: I’m almost two.
I like the introduction of the Orthodox sheep and the Good Shepherd, I thought this was very clever.
Repetition: (Timothy) had a sudden thought... “Yeah, that’s it,” (Timothy) reasoned... (Timothy) couldn’t imagine what anyone... that would really be big or bad enough for the Shepherd to become (angry). He’d never heard of the Shepherd being (angry), although his folks and the old sheep always seemed (angry). 3 “Timothy’s” and 3 “angrys” all in the same paragraph. Suggest thinning out along the lines of: Timothy had a sudden thought... “Yeah, that’s it,” he reasoned. It was hard to imagine what anyone... that would really be big or bad enough for the Shepherd to become angry. He’d never heard of such a thing happening, although his folks and the old sheep always seemed annoyed.
“Those old muttons are always talking in hushed bleats...” Loved this.
Wordiness: “...that doesn’t cause speculation that they ‘strayed’.” Johnny blanched (at that word. ‘Straying’ was forbidden). You can tighten this sentence with a little rejigging: Johnny blanched at the sound of the forbidden word.
The paragraph beginning: “Uh oh,”... and ending ...singled him out for his worst attentions, is a little ramshackle. Suggest restructuring along the lines of: “Uh oh, here come Buster and Gainer. They’re only a couple of months older than us, but they’re sure bigger than we are,” he huffed to Johnny. “I’m sure they’re headed over here to pick on me – I mean us. Why don’t those bullies leave us alone?” Timothy had said ‘us’ but he knew Buster and Gainer were going to pick on just him. A lot of the other sheep bullied him too, but Buster in particular seemed to have singled him out.
Johnny had caught up with him... you don’t really need this, as it’s already evident Johnny caught up, because Timothy is speaking to him. You don’t need to describe your characters’ every single action.
Repetition: She called again as they raced (past). ...gasped Johnny, (as he bounced past). You don’t need the 2nd lot of bracketed words, just: ...gasped Johnny. We already know from the 1st sentence that they’ve gone past Ewellen.
Repetition: ...until they all stumbled into the (dell)... ran out into the high grass (of the dell). Again, you don’t need the 2nd lot of bracketed words, you’ve already established they’re in the dell, just: ...ran out into the high grass.
Syntax: “Only because you had a head start,” (primly said Ewellen.) This should be: ... Ewellen said primly.
...he began to chant (in unison)... with who? It can’t be Johnny, because he’s saying something different. Suggest: He began his own chant of, “We caught you, we caught you.” Ewellen joined in with him.
Then Timothy and his friends... A good ending, with a hook to draw the reader on.

Hi Grey, here’s my take on the revised prologue. I’ll get to the other chapters when I can.

Prologue
“Wolves,” Timothy heard Skipper... to: ...somewhere above Big Rock Point. Much better!
As he stared up at the ridge (above Big Rock Point)... you don’t need the bracketed words, you’ve already established where the ridge is.
...Timothy saw, to his horror*... (Timothy stared at them in a horrified fascination). *This is more or less repeating what’s been said at the beginning, so you don’t really need it. Just: ...Timothy saw, to his horror, a group of wolves break out from a patch of trees.
He was a little ashamed to be acting like a (baby lamb)... A lamb, by definition, is a baby, so I suggest picking one or the other. My personal preference would be, since you’ve already used the word “lamb” is baby: He was a little ashamed to be acting like a baby...
They suddenly seemed to be not so different from him. This doesn’t flow well, suggest: They suddenly didn’t seem so different from him.
If I (were) a wolf... to but he figured he had to know, is much, much better. The narrative and internal dialogue are tight and focused, apart from the bracketed word, which should be “was.”
Repetition: ...before a (wolf) they had not noticed... Whirling it switched course and kicked at this new (wolf)... suggest replacing the 2nd bracketed word with “newcomer.”
Paragraph beginning: Now, here was one he may have met... and ending: ...it became ominously quiet, works much better.
Repetition: ...had to look back (again), one more time. He froze (again)... You don’t need the 1st bracketed word, just: ... had to look back, one more time.