The iCode

Very good dialogue, description, and characters. Oneworld is a book that comes to life from the page. It drew my attention and I find it very marvelous. I'm not much of a religious person, but I was not drawn away by this at all. I found this smart, clever and intellectually engaging and splendid. Your writing is powerful is something that needs to be experienced. Good job.

JC Whitfield-A Proclamation of Death

Thanks for the wonderful comment. As to my title--I came up with something that fit all 3 parts. Right now it'll just have to be considered my "Working Title". If I had the money, I do think a website for 'wwwOne World' would be pretty cool. Karen

I feel that www.OneWorld is a very interesting type of novel that is, for lack of a better word, quite novel. In a sense it blends the cyberpunk genre with a modern day story. It’s as if we took the Blade Runner world and wound back time a bit to see how the universe got into that state. Call it the dawn of the new cyber age I suppose. I’ve read a lot of cyberpunk type of books, but never have I found a novel that shows us the beginning of that type of world.

Beyond the excellent plot, author Karen Fullerton does a great job of bringing us into the story. Elizabeth is a very believable main character, savvy but not really with any special skills. She’s the girl next door and someone we want to root for when an ordinary person is brought into extraordinary circumstances.

The dialog is spot on, and acted as a bit of a treat every time it came up. All the characters are true to life, and seem to speak perfectly based on their personalities (when we have a chance to get to know them), social status and motivations. The pacing for the story is quite good, as it should be since this is kind of a historical cyber-thriller, and will keep readers interested.

The two suggestions I have are more marketing based than anything else. I would change the name of the book. The site at www.oneworld.com is currently owned by some type of airline booking company. What I would do is find a URL that is not being used, something like OneCyberWorldUnitedTogether or something like that, and change the name of the company in the book too, along with the title. Buy that URL and at the very least park it. But how great would it be if you put up a site that advertised the book there? Agents I think would find that really slick, and when the book was published, you would get a popular URL to boot where you could promote yourself, sell advertising or whatever you wanted. Secondly, I would push the years back just a bit. It will probably take longer than two years to get this book published, and you want the action to be in the future, if the near future, though this could easily be changed later as needed.

This is a very good read and I’m excited to see how things turn out.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Wow! I had a good read with the first chapter of your book. It's a great storyline you have there!! I'll keep it on my bookshelf. You have my full backing, ride on!

The writing is competent, and I saw no errors of spelling or grammar. The first chapter is a little slow, as everything is spelt out. On Authonomy, there are many critics eager to say 'show, not tell' but a bit of telling saves an awful lot of words. In the second chapter, the plot thickens, though it seems a little unlikely that a temp would come across such sensitive information so quickly. Maybe she needs to do a little more snooping first? I suggest you work on the tension, and maybe try and deepen the character of the MC. You have the promise of a gripping novel here, to be backed. Marj.

Hi Karen. Very nicely done! I read through chapter 2 and thoroughly enjoyed it. Your characters are richly drawn and your dialogue is pitch perfect. I think you have the makings of a very fine story. Although it takes place in 2012, it seems quite futuristic and frighteningly reminiscent of the dystopian film of 1973,Soylent Green.

I had to laugh when you wrote about the tornado. I grew up near San Antonio (Universal City), and I also have a tornado in my story. It's funny how weather can make such an impression on us. At any rate, thanks for the lovely read. I highly rated this and watchlisted it for now. Best of luck to you on Authonomy, Karen! Regards, JKinkade

Decoding the iCode chapter 26. You start on Pizza then move on to bookshop where you read a book in foreign language but for some strange reason, although foreign it was legible to you, then you saw your professor becaue you want to decode the iCode. Then your session was interrupted with the repairing of the computer. The mentioned excite me but I got more excited when you mentioned the iCorp, iCon and iCode. You must have guess it by now, I am fixated on the "i"

It looks like you have a good plot going on right here.

There are a couple things thought I thought I would suggest. One it that the very first paragraph is hard to read. It seems to be choppy or too much use of some of the words. Secondly, you have a tendency like I do, you use AND way too much. I did that to in my first draft. It is a common words we like to use. I am sure you can use less or other words instead.
Just small things

Otherwise your pitch and title are very well creative to grab the reader.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Hi Karen,
I've had your book on my W/L and finally started reading. The storyline gripped me immediately, probably because of your pitch. It is of course, prophetically relevant for Christians, but also would appeal to the world community as fascinating science fiction, if nothing more.
Your voice is calm, measured and precise, which, given the alien environment of the One World Company, causes a tension to rise in the reader, in anticipation of the unknown. Very well done.
Your writing is clear, simple, easy to read and understand and well edited. I have given you six stars.

Kerrie Price
THE GOD PLEASERS 40 day Study Guide

Hi Karen,

I’ve seen your book around the Christian genre and thought I would check it out. You are a very gifted writer and have used your talent to produce a thriller of the prophetic kind. The subject you are broaching, no doubt has been in the minds of Christians and people of other faiths ever since the first computers were made for personal use. I think its great that you are addressing the thrust of Revelation chapter thirteen in a “what if” way. If anything, it creates an intriguing story and I love the premise of it.

As I read, I noticed something that you might want to consider. Perhaps not all your readers will be familiar with the risk that a microprocessor under the skin might pose. I think it might be helpful if you would explain in Elizabeth’s thoughts why she is skeptical - what the risk is as it pertains to bible prophecy (discrimination, exclusion, or worse…)

You did such a wonderful job setting the scene inside and outside the One World business. I was able to envision the work place as well as the patrons.

I really like Elizabeth. She’s bright - not a pushover. And according to your pitch, she’s going to have to be one tough cookie. I was surprised that she’s 49 and still living with her parents. Is that right or did I misjudge that?

Karen, I know I only read the tip of the ice berg. But what I read I really liked. May God bless you in all your writing endeavors. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

The iCode!!!! I keep coming back for more. The name alone made me smile. I would buy this book on the title alone

Your story is interesting. It was fast paced and kept my attention. I liked your character. She was true to life. You are a good writer with a great idea. Good luck. Rated High. Lacy

Backed.
Hope you'll read mine, I can use some feedback

ONE WORLD
This is a book which is written in an easy to easy style. It’s also easy for a reader to sympathize with Elizabeth because we’ve all spent a first day on a job and know how frustrating things like a security clearance can be. I’m adding this to my shelf, Wannabeawriter. http://www.authonomy.com/books/38214/who-killed-the-president-/

I hope you do well with this though I didn't find it easy to get into. The writing seemed not to flow in an ingaging way for me. Sorry.

Karen, I like the dialogue. You know a F1 from a F4 or 5 being from Oklahoma. I'd start the novel with a F4 or F5 tornado. Nothing like a lot of action for the first several pages of a novel to get the reader in the mood. Show the wind, blacken clouds, flying objects, and your heroine struggling to stay alive. Then, go back to earlier in the day at the One World Company. I'd use God's power of nature verses the man made nefarious power of a world power. I've read the first three chapter. I like the back story love development of Bud and Elizabeth. Good story! I'll put you on my watch list for now until space opens up on my shelf.

David Schild

Hi Karen,

I’ve read your first chapter and while I see the potential of a good story here, I couldn’t fully appreciate it as I’d like to. I was distracted mostly by the uneven flow of the writing. I’m not going to list everything, but I’ll give you the first paragraph as an example;

‘Lately, (no comma needed) life had become quite a challenge.’ Why? This needs to be expanded, and in it’s own paragraph if necessary. Also, there are no obvious links between any of the sentences in this paragraph, or explanations as to why there are said/written. Why did the car wreck make her anxious? And perhaps write ‘However, I was thankful to be newly employed etc, etc.’ so there is a link between the last two sentences.

Something I find helpful is reading it aloud, or having someone else read it to you. It can be useful for picking out hidden errors.

These are just a couple of suggestions that I think might help make it flow a little more smoothly. I hope this helps. I’ve added your book to my watchlist and I will be back to read more soon.

- Charlotte Elise.

Just had a glance at the premise and liked it. Will read further and comment!

You have a refreshing style that's eloquent and captivating. You transport the reader with ease, keeping the pages turning with an intriguing story and great dialogue. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

Very impressive beginning that pulls the reader in instantly. Mrs Strand is a tough woman to work for. Her character comes out brilliantly. Elizabeth is well described too. Your writing is excellent. I am hoping to return to read more soon. For now I fully rated your work. Good luck.

Please give your thoughts on Water Goblin
Daniela

Hi Karen,

I just read your book excerpt and found many of my comments have been posted by other reviewers.

Pros: The working title is interesting and eye-catching; consider completing the website address and make it your book or author website (e.g. .com, .net, .org). The premise and characters are believable.

Cons: There are some grammatical mistakes and awkward sentences (e.g. "in which..."; prolific use of adverbs). I found the flow a bit choppy. Consider increasing the length and content of the short sentences to improve the flow.

Your book shows promise! I wish you the best of luck.

Deb
The Cave of Time: http://www.authonomy.com/books/33822/the-cave-of-time/

Karen,
I checked out you book, ONE WORLD. I liked it, so I backed it. Please check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS FOR your possible backing. Thank you in advance.

Dwain-Thomas

Very good dialogue, description, and characters. Oneworld is a book that comes to life from the page. It drew my attention and I find it very marvelous. I'm not much of a religious person, but I was not drawn away by this at all. I found this smart, clever and intellectually engaging and splendid. Your writing is powerful is something that needs to be experienced. Good job.

JC Whitfield-A Proclamation of Death

Dear Karen,

Too much detail and rather slow in places, no shadows or creaking doors, nothing to get your teeth into. The content could do with building up a little and sags in parts. All in all a decent story. Good luck.

Check out 'Island Of Dreams'

Regards Eddie

As a born-again Christian i find your storyline very interesting and 'prophetic'...i feel something very similar will indeed happen. I see someone has already mentioned 'The Left Behind' series. I have only read the first 2 chapters and found it to be somewhat slow and matter of fact and in no way dynamic like the 'Left Behind 'series. Maybe it might grip me a bit more as i get into the furtther chapters so for the time being i will put on my watch-list.

Karen, the title of your book is very attractive. It will draw more readers' attention. I think you should keep this if this is what you like.
BP

It sounds real, You write and interesting story that people never can imagine. It seems to me you have a psychic vision as you are the second person who says this. I am going to read the rest of your story now. BACKED
BP

Hi Karen. I liked the promise of the story and what will come later. Although you said you had edited I noticed a couple of things but editing your own work isn't easy. However you have now amended errors and if I find any more I shall let you know.

All in all though it looks like it is going to be a good story and I swish you the very best with it

Wow! I had a good read with the first chapter of your book. It's a great storyline you have there!! I'll keep it on my bookshelf. You have my full backing, ride on!

Thanks for the wonderful comment. As to my title--I came up with something that fit all 3 parts. Right now it'll just have to be considered my "Working Title". If I had the money, I do think a website for 'wwwOne World' would be pretty cool. Karen

I feel that www.OneWorld is a very interesting type of novel that is, for lack of a better word, quite novel. In a sense it blends the cyberpunk genre with a modern day story. It’s as if we took the Blade Runner world and wound back time a bit to see how the universe got into that state. Call it the dawn of the new cyber age I suppose. I’ve read a lot of cyberpunk type of books, but never have I found a novel that shows us the beginning of that type of world.

Beyond the excellent plot, author Karen Fullerton does a great job of bringing us into the story. Elizabeth is a very believable main character, savvy but not really with any special skills. She’s the girl next door and someone we want to root for when an ordinary person is brought into extraordinary circumstances.

The dialog is spot on, and acted as a bit of a treat every time it came up. All the characters are true to life, and seem to speak perfectly based on their personalities (when we have a chance to get to know them), social status and motivations. The pacing for the story is quite good, as it should be since this is kind of a historical cyber-thriller, and will keep readers interested.

The two suggestions I have are more marketing based than anything else. I would change the name of the book. The site at www.oneworld.com is currently owned by some type of airline booking company. What I would do is find a URL that is not being used, something like OneCyberWorldUnitedTogether or something like that, and change the name of the company in the book too, along with the title. Buy that URL and at the very least park it. But how great would it be if you put up a site that advertised the book there? Agents I think would find that really slick, and when the book was published, you would get a popular URL to boot where you could promote yourself, sell advertising or whatever you wanted. Secondly, I would push the years back just a bit. It will probably take longer than two years to get this book published, and you want the action to be in the future, if the near future, though this could easily be changed later as needed.

This is a very good read and I’m excited to see how things turn out.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

The first chapter is intriguing and I want to know more but I feel publishers would be put off by the number of errors. There are extra commas all over the place and sometimes other mistakes such as in the last sentence in the first paragraph of chapter one. It should be two sentences but since you also repeat yourself I feel it would be better condensed into one. I'll be keeping this on my watchlist as I'd like to know what happens but I won't read any more until the grammar is better: it's too hard to get past the mistakes and it's doing my head in since my concentration isn't great.

I'm very sorry - but I didn't get past the first paragraph. There were too many typos - a missing word, missing full-stops and so on. I also found the pitch boring...sorry. I honestly felt, from reading the pitch, that this was a kids book - but you haven't put that as the genre.

I have just attempted to read further but paragraph 2 finished it for me. You can't say you've "reached" the age of foty-whatever but "looked" much younger....and there was an odd comma mixed it with it too.

I hate to be so negative but the manuscript needs a careful proofing before I would even consider trying again.

I feel that www.OneWorld is a very interesting type of novel that is, for lack of a better word, quite novel. In a sense it blends the cyberpunk genre with a modern day story. It’s as if we took the Blade Runner world and wound back time a bit to see how the universe got into that state. Call it the dawn of the new cyber age I suppose. I’ve read a lot of cyberpunk type of books, but never have I found a novel that shows us the beginning of that type of world.

Beyond the excellent plot, author Karen Fullerton does a great job of bringing us into the story. Elizabeth is a very believable main character, savvy but not really with any special skills. She’s the girl next door and someone we want to root for when an ordinary person is brought into extraordinary circumstances.

The dialog is spot on, and acted as a bit of a treat every time it came up. All the characters are true to life, and seem to speak perfectly based on their personalities (when we have a chance to get to know them), social status and motivations. The pacing for the story is quite good, as it should be since this is kind of a historical cyber-thriller, and will keep readers interested.

The two suggestions I have are more marketing based than anything else. I would change the name of the book. The site at www.oneworld.com is currently owned by some type of airline booking company. What I would do is find a URL that is not being used, something like OneCyberWorldUnitedTogether or something like that, and change the name of the company in the book too, along with the title. Buy that URL and at the very least park it. But how great would it be if you put up a site that advertised the book there? Agents I think would find that really slick, and when the book was published, you would get a popular URL to boot where you could promote yourself, sell advertising or whatever you wanted. Secondly, I would push the years back just a bit. It will probably take longer than two years to get this book published, and you want the action to be in the future, if the near future, though this could easily be changed later as needed.

This is a very good read and I’m excited to see how things turn out.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

It is going to be interesting to see the conclusion of this story. As this current century continues to unfold, there
could be more fact than fiction to it by the time someone reads it in the year 2090. There are already some
signs on the horizon if thinking people will sit down and ponder the issues raised. I remember a quotation
from a very fine motion picture released in 1947: "If more people sat and thought, the world would not be in
the stinking mess that it is." Some serious thinking has shown up in this opus thus far. Keep going.
The effort you have put forth up to this point should be appreciated. You are heading for six stars. VOP

I like your description. Things like the 'large sphere of the Earth' turning in front of her and the 'thick wall of plastic' around the security desk set the scene well. I felt I was entering this strange and powerful 'one world company' with Elizabeth.
Backed!

I'm assuming you're a subscriber to the old anti-Semite conspiracy theory popularized by Henry Ford from Germany and other parts of EU? That's where NWO comes from and it was the fear that fueled the Holocaust. Just FYI

Sigh. I had to struggle to read through the first chapter.

It seemed laborious to me reading all the meticulous 'after i did this, then I did that.' If you have all the sentences in the right order, I'll know which thing you did first, second, etc.

I got the same feeling from the verb tenses, and I was a little confused by the narrative. I was wondering if the first person character is telling me what happened from the perspective of completed action after the story happened, or if the story is happening right now. If she's telling me what is happening right now, then you have some work to do on your tense presentation. Some of the dialogue and commentary seem to be present tense, sprinkled in with past tense narrative.

Some of your dialogue tags are awkward. "Hi, I'm so-and-so," he introduced. Either tell me he introduced himself, or just have him do it, but not both. "Excuse me?" I asked and looked at him. People are usually looking at the person they are speaking to, in my thinking. Perhaps I assume too much, but if you are trying to express something unique about the fact I am looking at him, you must use a more detailed predicate, such as: I cast a bewildered glance at him: "Excuse me?"

I would copy and paste several specific examples of each point I made if we could copy and paste here, but if you look carefully, you'll see what I'm talking about over and over. I understand you are trying to paint many details into the setting, but I couldn't help thinking there were many spatial and chronological references that were not necessary, and they should therefore be edited out. One example that comes to mind from the paragraph that begins: Sign in again? is the last sentence that says: 'however, not giving temps any fifteen-minute breaks seems extremely unfair.' Why fifteen minutes? Why not just no breaks for temps? I know this stuff isn't what you wanted to hear after an edit, because if you try to correct what I am pointing out, you'll have to go line by line, paragraph by paragraph, and retell the whole story.

Usually I don't make detailed comments like this, but in the spirit of an author's forum site, I can tell you really care about telling your story properly, and I think you're worth the effort. Honestly, If I picked this book up in the store, I wouldn't have made it past the first couple of pages. It makes me sad, because I think you really do have a story to tell.

Fody -- Council of the Ark

You have a novel-worthy plot and it's worth pursuing. You should make some improvements before it's ready for publishers.

You’re mixing up past and present tense. You must keep the novel in one, not both. Pay attention to the tenses of your verb selection. Make it consistent.

Change to: “Underneath it the name of the company was displayed in bright blue incandescent letters.”

There needs to be a reason for the reader to root for Elizabeth to succeed in her tasks. Her being the main character isn’t enough. There needs to be something about her personality or circumstances that make her sympathetic to the reader.

There are a lot of words in your writing that don’t need to be there. Some things are stating the obvious based on earlier facts and some are phases like “on the other hand” or “in fact” that don’t add anything to the study. Go to a writing workshop and learn about how to write tight.

At the same time, the story could use more descriptions of what people look like and act like. None of the people she meets at the company stand out.

The microchip in the video in chapter two has many applications. Can’t all of them be performed by a smart phone? There are medical record apps, credit card apps, mobile banking apps and I’m sure companies can use a human resources app. What’s the point of implanting it when a smart phone can do it?

Describe more about why Elizabeth is freaked out by the video. Don’t assume that the reader knows why.

The part where she seeks shelter in the church was good. You’ve got some excitement there.

This has potential, so I will back this.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Sorry you con't care for Stapleton--Stapleton is a fictional college town, and there's absolutley nothing wrong with the name of Stapleton, OK. I feel that a fictional town is better than using Tulsa. Although each time you comment (whether good or bad), the system gives me points. However, any further comments from you only becomes what I call 'a 'TRAFFIC JAM'. Karen

As with anything, you learn something new everyday, and I learned something about quotation marks that was not included in two separate English handbooks on the mechanics of writing. And many things were cleaned up from my previous reading. "living back home" definitely sounds better, works better.

Spotted something this second time through. And my suggestions for re-writes are my perception, my way of doing it. You can ignore them, adapt them, combine my idea with yours. Ch.1, paragraph about Stapleton, think it could be refined and tightened up a bit. "While I quickly looked at the list, I noticed most of Stapleton was covered. [verb tense issue--looked, is--past tense, present tense] My hometown of Stapleton, Oklahoma is a small college town about twenty minutes outside of Oklahoma City. The guest list included Sylvia Blight, manager at Stapleton Bank and her assistant manager, Mr. Roberts, a major attorney in town, Officer Bud Anderson, the security guard who greeted me, as well as several other prominent citizens in town." Yours seems to be a run-on sentence, and sometimes you are repetitive. "As I could tell, the group of twenty was impressed with all the high-tech equipment and computers."--Don't need to give a head count again. Possibly--'I could tell the group was impressed with all...' Last paragraph, first sentence is a bit disjointed. Eliminate either 'however' or 'on the other hand.'

ch. 2, second paragraph--seems drawn out. 'After the film ended and the house lights came back up, I was extremely thankful, knowing this company was undoubtedly not for me.' [without a doubt is a bit cliche, frowned upon by many editors] "In the near future, it will be used not only for medical identity but also for identification in our financial system."--your version has 'used' twice, and the economy is different than the financial or banking system. Further down when she gets in her car after work, don't understand why you repeat her full name as well as the details about the car, again. Don't think you need to give the mother's full name, and I would recommend combining the second and third sentences or third and fourth. Seems choppy otherwise. Arriving at the church, a four sentence paragraph, last three start with "I." Would suggest combining two. I think the first person/third person issue came up with the paragraph describing the insertion of the disk. Might want to read through it and make sure it sounds right to you.

I saw a few other nits that were more mechanical, you can pick up on them on a new read. I'll try to get to the next chapters soon.

Mary

the first person narrative always...so much so l think it is almost cheating. however you do a great job with your honest narrative and perfect dialogue..
backed already...
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

This is in rsponse to Mary Heartstrings. I have upgraded www.OneWorld, and have corrected as many things as possible. As to 'I'm currently living at home'--I've changed it to 'I'm currently living back home'--if anyone is still confused over this I can't help you. As to Earth--if it is planet Earth it needs caps. If it is soil, dirt, or land it does not. So those are correct. police officer has been changed, however, Officer Anderson is correct (since it is his name & also title).

Chapter 2--Mr. Chase--a good writer knows that when a character is continuing his sentance--you don't put quotations until the very end. I'm afraid that Mary did not read this carefully. Mr. Chase is in continuing sentance here, and it is correct the way I have it.

Wanting to constantly improve this, so thanks for the suggestions. Karen

Okay, a few nits that I see as I first start reading. Ch. 1, par. 1, "I've aged very well, all things considered," normal and cliche but it sounds a bit better, yours sounds a bit off. Don't capitalize french braid, not a proper noun. "I'm currently living at home" -- who's home? Even at 49, seems like this should be defined better. "Temporary Agency"--again, no caps. Same with Police Officer, Earth, Officer, etc.-- not proper nouns, capitalization seems out of place and breaks up the flow.

ch. 2, par. 1. "Usually there would have been..." Verb tense -- "After the film ended and the house lights came back on, I was extremely grateful. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt..." "...white lab coat and glasses informed..." Paragraphs of dialogue need to end with quotation marks--several are missing when Mr. Chase is talking. Verb tense---"The film showed people at a bank making all their banking transactions with the chip" or "by way of the chip." "Are you all right Elizabeth?" Mrs. Strand stood in front of me, saying, "You look a bit pale." Or something similar -- your sentence seems off. "...out from my chair and tried to hide my fear." "Okay," looked down at my watch...

Ch.3. More verb tense errors, a switch from first person to third. Some single sentence paragraphs that make it choppy, some repetition of words. Needs an edit.

Ch. 4 starts off first person then switches to third person. This may be a bit jarring for some. Would suggest some type of separation indicator, other than extra white space.

Overall, this is an interesting story, in line with the Left Behind series. Good character development, would like to see more personality from Bud Anderson, perhaps a hint of romance. It does need an editing, especially in regards to verb tense. While the switch between first and third person is good, I personally feel it would work better as all third person. I may get back to reading more later, need to work on my own right now. Backed.

Mary -- Heartstrings

Okay, a few nits that I see as I first start reading. Ch. 1, par. 1, "I've aged very well, all things considered," normal and cliche but it sounds a bit better, yours sounds a bit off. Don't capitalize french braid, not a proper noun. "I'm currently living at home" -- who's home? Even at 49, seems like this should be defined better. "Temporary Agency"--again, no caps. Same with Police Officer, Earth, Officer, etc.-- not proper nouns, capitalization seems out of place and breaks up the flow.

ch. 2, par. 1. "Usually there would have been..." Verb tense -- "After the film ended and the house lights came back on, I was extremely grateful. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt..." "...white lab coat and glasses informed..." Verb tense---"The film showed people at a bank making all their banking transactions with the chip" or "by way of the chip." "Are you all right Elizabeth?" Mrs. Strand stood in front of me, saying, "You look a bit pale." Or something similar -- your sentence seems off. "...out from my chair and tried to hide my fear." "Okay," looked down at my watch...

Ch.3. More verb tense errors, a switch from first person to third. Some single sentence paragraphs that make it choppy, some repetition of words. Needs an edit.

Ch. 4 starts off first person then switches to third person. This may be a bit jarring for some. Would suggest some type of separation indicator, other than extra white space.

Overall, this is an interesting story, in line with the Left Behind series. Good character development, would like to see more personality from Bud Anderson, perhaps a hint of romance. It does need an editing, especially in regards to verb tense. While the switch between first and third person is good, I personally feel it would work better as all third person. I may get back to reading more later, need to work on my own right now. Backed.

Mary -- Heartstrings

The writing is competent, and I saw no errors of spelling or grammar. The first chapter is a little slow, as everything is spelt out. On Authonomy, there are many critics eager to say 'show, not tell' but a bit of telling saves an awful lot of words. In the second chapter, the plot thickens, though it seems a little unlikely that a temp would come across such sensitive information so quickly. Maybe she needs to do a little more snooping first? I suggest you work on the tension, and maybe try and deepen the character of the MC. You have the promise of a gripping novel here, to be backed. Marj.

Hi Karen. Very nicely done! I read through chapter 2 and thoroughly enjoyed it. Your characters are richly drawn and your dialogue is pitch perfect. I think you have the makings of a very fine story. Although it takes place in 2012, it seems quite futuristic and frighteningly reminiscent of the dystopian film of 1973,Soylent Green.

I had to laugh when you wrote about the tornado. I grew up near San Antonio (Universal City), and I also have a tornado in my story. It's funny how weather can make such an impression on us. At any rate, thanks for the lovely read. I highly rated this and watchlisted it for now. Best of luck to you on Authonomy, Karen! Regards, JKinkade