The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo Vol 1 Mis en Scene

Hi Melanie,

I really enjoyed reading the prologue of your book. You are a wonderful writer, taking care to develop an interesting and emotional scene. The birthing scene was tense then calmed to relief before grief entered the story. All elements that served to draw me into the story.
Your descriptions and knowledge of the era took me right into the late 19th century. I loved reading Mr. Frazer’s dialect. Good job with that.
What a difficult decision he felt compelled to make. You do such a wonderful job showing his dilemma.

Thank goodness the Trevelyns were as trustworthy and kind as Fraser hoped. And Margaret flourished under their care.

The prologue did a good job in capturing my imagination and my interest. For the sake of time, I only read a little bit of chapter one, but I’m sure that anthing concerning the Titanic is bound to draw lots of attention. I will return to read more as time allows. Highly starred!

Diannna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

It's been good to come back to this tale, it still holds my interest.

Hi Melanie I tried to send you a message but I see you only accept messages from friends, thank you for w/l The Valley Beyond. Incidentally I love your pitch on The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo vol 1 mis en scene, It sounds like a very tragic and harrowing read - is there a french connection (mis en scene). I am intrigued to read this and will do so soon.
best regards
Sheila

I don't really understand the title but I was still intrigued to read on.
And personally, I wouldn't use an ampersand in your pitch - the word 'and' would be better.
I think you're having troubles with tricky Authonomy glitches at the beginning of the chapters - I had problems with my chapter headings too.
Little nit picks aside, from what I've read, I found this an interesting story. The death of a mother is a gripping start to a novel and the story obviously keeps up the pace.
As others have mentioned, some editing is required. And perhaps some of the language could be tweaked to make the prose flow a bit more smoothly - sometimes I found myself stumbling over words.
But there's also some really nice touches too.

I'll pop you on my shelf as soon as there's space.
Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I've read 13 chapters (3 by the authonomy count) and the developing romance is really moving along - there have been the first, fleeting glances, first kiss and all the tension of the love affair not allowed to happen.

When Franklin was first introduced, I was wondering if there was quite an age gap between him and Margaret - we know she is 20 but he has had a nephew who had a brief fling with Katie who we know to be 30, but you have given more information further through which helps to resolve that. We know in the set up with the thoroughly horrible Katie that her friend is going to accuse Franklin of attacking her at 8.30, Margaret knows this. When Mary makes the accusation she never mentions a time but Margaret provides Franklin's defence being very sure to provide a time framework for it. I'm not sure yet where the story is going with the revelation to Saxhill and Michael about Margaret's feelings for Franklin (and to be honest I wasn't totally convinced that she would let such a big secret slip out so easily), will be interesting to see if they use her secret to their advantage - she has money and clearly Michael is not good about budgeting his allowance. I'm also wondering, at this stage, if Merrifield has a reason for telling the secret of her birth after so many years, something worth reading on to find out.

An ominous note to end the chapter, with Sarah's sense of foreboding about the number of dinner guests.

These are just my thoughts as I was reading.
Bit of clunky description: Albert Topin, who worked as a messenger. You could just have Albert Topin, a messenger.
Maybe a bit too much use of the word ‘was’. Thomas Frazer was in his early thirties etc. That paragraph could be re-worked to read a little better.
I was in labour 24 hours – sounds a bit modern. Would they not just say one whole day and night?
Hmm it does skip ahead twenty years very suddenly.
The final paragraph about White Star Liner seems completely out of the blue – how is this linked to anything that has gone before? It sticks out.
And then ‘the news about the titanic’ sentence seems an odd way to introduce the tragedy, why not have somebody reading about it in the paper and talking about it. That way we get a personal reaction instantly.
When it moves onto Lady Lynchcliffe I began to wonder why we’d bothered with all that had gone before. This seems like a more natural starting point, the orphaned girl, the aunt and uncle who never knew of her existence. The secret that may be revealed later about her birth.
The repeated line of ‘she’s studying French literature...’ reads a little oddly. Would people really say hat? Wouldn’t they more like say ‘she’s studying in Paris’ The subject is sort of beside the point.

Melanie, you have asked me to take a look at the plot and characterisation of The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo. I must be brutally honest and say I am not the ideal person to do this, for two reasons:

Firstly, romance and chicklit is not a genre I read and so therefore I have no point of comparison. I could only rate Cuckoo against the standards of my preferred reading, which wouldn't help. Even if I gave it a go, it would be impossible for me to divorce characterisation and plot from the actual execution of the story.

For instance, I don't think you have the tone of the period accurately pinned down. Language and vocabulary, in many places, are too casual and too modern: "Uncle Marcus said it was okay", 'laid back', "drop you at the station", "Too right she would!" 'kicked up a stink', "a couple of dates" and "I wanted to see a bit of action on the Suffragette front", for instance. The phrase "weekend" was quite unknown until about 1935. One would be invited for a "Saturday to Monday", arriving mid-afternoon on Saturday and departing after breakfast on Monday.

The entire master/servant relationship is not authentic. Margaret Trevelyan would never be introduced to the servants -- and as for her father asking Celia Trevelyan why she had never had children ...! A shocking breach of etiquette in 1891, and impossible to imagine.

And there is absolutely no way that a chauffeur -- or any man, come to that -- would be permitted to see (let alone bathe) the knees of a young titled lady. This is 1912, remember.

Even in view of their strong mutual attraction, the casualness between Margaret and Franklin is far too sudden (I don't know if you watch Downton Abbey, but the maid was still calling John Bates "Mr Bates" up until the time of their engagement -- and first kiss!) I can understand why you rushed it -- you were excited to get on with the romance -- but you are writing of the times and mores of one hundred years ago. They did things differently in the past. And so must your characters -- if you want the reader to believe in them, that is.

One factual error: childbed fever is not something which develops during pregnancy. It is an infection suffered by mothers only *after* childbirth or miscarriage, due to infection being introduced during labour.

All these little points work together to colour -- and, alas, to prejudice -- my reading of the text. So I cannot give a useful review of isolated elements of it, I'm afraid.

I am sure that, in Cuckoo, you have the makings of a super story -- I imagine it would make a cracking film -- but, at this stage, it needs not a reviewer but an editor; someone who can help you polish out these little anomalies and keep you focused on the details that make historical fiction/romance authentic.

I wish you the most tremendous good luck with it. Perseverance on the details will, I'm sure, bring rich rewards.

Exciting work, Melanie! I did like it.

As per my own reading style, (and I am perhaps not the average Authonomy reader) I like to have a little more of a glimpse into the surroundings and into the physical and personality traits of the characters. I suppose it comes from me being so visual in my perception. I do appreciate descriptive work, just the right amount.

The first chapter was so very unexpected. Beginning with a mother's death, very dark! Then the father deciding to let the child go with another family, what a sacrifice! And maybe I would include a little more of a glimpse into the father's deliberation process.

This began as a script? Or was it originally a story?
I'll give you a bit of shelf time, doll. You deserve it. :)

~E Raif

Hi Melanie,

The following based on your Authonomy Chapter 2.


Firstly, I have to say this is like nothing I normally read, so I'm not sure if I can offer any really constructive help. I see you have some very detailed comments, and I agree the MS needs some careful editing for a few punctuation typos. But my main problem is I don't know how this reads to the audience you are aiming for. It reminds me, in feel, of the Catherine Cookson specials that get shown on the freeview channel on the weekends, and that's a compliment to your work and the idea in your story. I like the idea in fact as a basis for your book and what I imagine is the readership you hope for. I can easily see as well how you have a version of this as a screenplay.

For me personally, and again with zero knowledge of this field, the language was occasionally overblown and bits could be cut. For instance the second sentence, to use 'for' in that way is a little archaic in feel to me, but then it goes with the setting...so I don't know really if it works or not. I'd suggest myself cutting the whole of that sentence, or at least presenting it quite differently. But that might be rubbish advice for your market. :s. But that is my feeling.

I think you can see I'm struggling to give a useful review here. I think you do have a great basis for a story and plot and I really can see it's appeal to a great many readers. My advice would be to use the more detailed feedback you get here to polish the MS and then get on with submitting it to agents and publishers interested in this genre and see what feedback you get. I can see how they might easily go for it and want to work on it with you.

Best,

John

Hi Melanie,

This is your HFR part one. I intended to read much more that the opening prologue but found myself going into a lot of detail with this first section, so I will have to come back.

First of all, I would like to congratulate you. You have the trappings of a fascinating and epic tale. I think it has great potential and hooked me from the start.

However, it needs a good edit and I think you need to think rigorously about how to move the plot along the course you want without dropping in too much back story.

Anyway, my comments in more detail start with a grammar nitpick: 'her breathing rapid'

I was also curious about why we need to know he is 5' 8" tall? Is this relevant to anything. I felt it was unnecessary detail which broke up the flow of the narrative - especially at such a dramatic moment. Mrs. Frazers' death seems a bit abrupt after all that had passed. I was also surprised to see that despite the pain she was in, she was managing full grammatical sentences in her last breath. I think your dialogue needs to be a bit more expressive and realistically reflect the state of the speaker. She also needs to groan and scream more. The vomiting was a realistic touch. :)

Mmm, got problems with your dialogue again - this time with Mr. Frazer. In one sentence he is using the dialect word 'nowt' and talking about 'bairns' - in the next he is discussing 'the required ten pound premium' and 'the guardians of the sanctity of life.' This is not consistent, either he is relatively uneducated or he has swallowed a dictionary. You cannot have both!

The section were he hands over his daughter is very moving and sad, but I am left wondering how he knew that the Trevelyns would take Margaret in the first place? I think you also have to instill a little tension in this section. Even in today's enlightened climate adoptions have caveats. I think that the Trevelyyns would have made some pretty strict rules up about his limitation of rights after the adoption went through. The question were he asks Lady T. why she can't have kids is also far, far too personal and would have been frowned upon. I think you are forgetting the forelock tugging class differences which were still in place in Victorian society. I am also not sure they would have interviewed him in one of their best rooms.

He also - several times - mentions - that he had concerns about letting his wife go ahead with the pregnancy. I think you need to edit this. Abortion was illegal back in those days and a trip to a seedy, back street abortionist by a respectable, married young couple would have been highly unlikely. For the Victorians, pregnancy and death were very much in the hands of God; the Frazers would have been much more fatalistic about it all.

I also have a problem with the short section you have inserted about Margaret's visit to her father twenty years later. A prologue should really just deal with one event and I cannot help wondering if this meeting between Margaret and her Dad is really necessary to move your story along? It is also very mawkish with all this talk about 'I love you as a friend' (he was her parent's servant at this point) and the big dump of back story about his alcoholism is really distracting.

If I was you I would copy and paste this section into a file called 'spare script' and save it for later.

After her birth and adoption, the next big section of your novel clearly needs to be the aftermath of the Titanic disaster.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts, I do hope they are helpful rather than too critical.

I wish you the best of luck with this.

Susanna
'The Missing Heiress'

Melanie,
Your HFC review. part 1
I like the title, not only does it cleverly represent folks who are brought up in wrong "nests" it's memorable...good.
Sorry, but I didn't quite get the cover...too red and apart from the significance of the joined hands in the romance aspect, I didn't see the link. Much prefer your cover for volume 2 which tells you straight off what you're getting. The pitch was engaging, gave plenty of nice hooks of what was to come. I tend to be more sparing but that's just personal choice. What I would say though, is that I did what I probably shouldn't and read the pitch on vol2 before I started reading this one and it kind of spoilt some of the "what if's" I would be cautious about giving away too much of the first story in the second pitch...does that make sense?
Anyway Chapter One, which was your dedications and contents stuff. Not much to say here except I did like the way you group your chapters under headings which relate the progress of the story. Very neatly done, is that how you plan your work when you write? I wish I was that organised.
Prologue, This was a powerful opening with the baby's birth. There were a couple of things that pulled me up...the detail of the childbed fever symptoms was a little distasteful, but I can see you were highlighting what was probably a common cause of fatalities amongst mother's in those days. I didn't care much for the doctor "muttering" when he delivered the news to the father, then again you did tell us he was newly qualified and probably not used to that side of the job... so merely observations. I wondered how he kept the baby fed during that first week...did they have formula? The emotions displayed by Frazer were very real and his decision a hard one to make. I suspect a lot of that went on then, babies delivered into the hands of others and brought up none the wiser. This was quite a lengthy prologue and I wondered if you'd considered starting at the point when he sits waiting to hand the baby over, viewing the palatial surroundings, reminiscing about his dear wife and trying to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. I liked the midwife, very brisk and down to earth and all involved seemed concerned that Frazer made the right choice.
Chapter One, the news of the sinking and the tragic loss of the Trevelyans was a little overshadowed by Helena's luke warm reaction to her sisters death. She redeems herself by admitting that perhaps she could undo what was done when they fell out, by taking on Margaret, but oh, I see trouble ahead with the kids! You set up a few plot lines there, with angst still felt by Helena and Marcus, the jealousy of the Michael and Sarah and the teaser of Michael's money problems...and Margaret with all that money...oh dear...I hope someone is watching her back.
Chapter Two, and right on cue, in comes Franklin! I sense a bit of mystery surrounds him. Helena comes over much kinder here, I'm warming to her. The meeting at the station was interesting with a lot of hidden looks and thoughts crossing back and forward...now I'm the worlds worst at POV shifts so not really qualified to comment, but you do have a fair few shifts here. I see why you're doing it because there's a lot of unspoken messaging going on, it didn't lose me, but some folk might be bothered by it.

Melanie I'll keep this on my watchlist, continue on and feed back as I do, I think you have a great premise here, and the link with Titanic places it very firmly in history. I like all the subterfuge and conflicting characters and from what I've read so far I think you're setting up a delicious mix of trickery and scheming alongside a true romance. I'm not qualified to comment on the mechanics, but Tyson has given sound advice re passive voice etc, that kind of advice was invaluable to me...and it's quite simple to fix. I still have a lot to learn, but I recognise a good story when I see one.

Best of luck with this Melanie.

Babs

This was wonderful! That's all I can say! The sacrifice Mr. Frazer makes is heartbreaking, and the hope that Margaret will learn who her father really is kept me reading! You're on my list for backings!
Good work!
Noelle J. Alabaster

I saw someone mention this book on the forum and thought I'd read it because your short and long pitch sounded interesting. I don't normally read books like this, but I really enjoyed it. Your characters really stood out for me. I'm sorry I don't leave very helpful comments, but as a reader, I have to say that I liked it a lot.
Liam

I’ve been hearing things about this so I am ever-so pleased to stop by and return your read. I read as a reader and am not a editor or anyone worth anything in this business we all so desperately are trying to make it. Just so you know.

Title: huh? I don’t know what this means. I’d love to say it is intriguing enough to make me read on, but it sort of turns me off.

Cover: Like it. But of course it was done by Bradley and that man is talent personified.

Short Pitch: First, this doesn’t draw me in. Not in the least. It doesn’t tell me what sort of novel this will be and isn’t very engaging. I’d really work on this. Also, questions on short pitches are so over done, I think. Think of the short pitch like the tagline on a book cover.

Long Pitch: So you just repeat the short pitch but make it longer as the first line. Why? What a waste of words. I’d leave the line here and give yourself a better short pitch. Something that creates intrigue.

-truly believing that the secret he intended to reveal has died with him –truly believing the secret he intended to reveal died with him. (be aware of words you can cut that will make the sentence stronger)

I think the long pitch works for this novel. It introduces us to Margaret and her predicament. Based off the long pitch, I would read on.

Prologue – they usually aren’t this long.

The small darkened room...—The small, darkened room...

Sweat & disinfectant – I am almost 100% certain you shouldn’t use & in your narrative.

This is not the strongest start: The small, darkened room...The blue curtains...The young woman...The doctor in attendance... (The, the, the, the) I’d change this. Why not just Blue curtains blew in the gale...On the bed, the young woman...

I feel sentence starts need to vary. When you repeat too much it becomes static and boring.

As I read this, I wanted you to be aware of ‘was’. It really gave your work a passive tone:

...was writhing and crying out in pain – writhed and cried out in pain.

...who was a handsome young man in his... – a handsome young man in his...

“Dr Merrifield. How much longer is this going to...?” – comma not period—Dr Merrifield, how much longer is this going to...?”

You use Catherine’s name later, why not introduce her straightaway in the first paragraph instead of ‘the young woman’?

...and in the dim light he could see that she had a rash... –I want to use this as an example of excess words. When you write you need to ensure you are using the least possible words to say what you need to say. Weeding out words from this would leave you with... and, in the dim light, he saw she had a rash.

At this point, as I read on, I want to mention “That”. This word is often overused by beginner writers (which I assume you are) I myself cut over a thousand from my first book, and it was because of someone on authonomy that I been acutely aware of them.

Here are some examples where you don’t need them:

...he could see that she had a rash... – he could see she had a rash

...realising that in that last moment... (yikes, two??)... realising in that moment...

...He sensed that Merrifield was clearly...—he sensed Merrifield was clearly...

...i should have realised that it would...—I should have realized it would...

...Frazer knew that he would...--...Frazer knew he would...

That is more acceptably used in speech, but even your dialogue you seem to have a fair amount. In the prologue along there are 38. Bit much, I think. I’d look into culling these.

You send quote “I don’t blame you, doctor” but then it is in first person still. So remove the quote?

An interesting opening to a novel for sure.

I think the writing could be stronger. You are reliant on starting sentences with ‘The’ and personal pronouns. These things I can overlook, but I think the passiveness of the prologue bothered me. I also feel it could be written in half the length. It seemed to draw on, when I really just wanted it to end because it was repeating itself.

I will be moving on to Chapter One to see how it changes.

Chapter One:

I noticed this in the prologue and in chapter one as well, your punctuation is off.

When someone speaks the speech tag goes with it:

“I see,” Helena said.

“I was not aware I had a niece,” she stammered.

“I would imagine so,” Helena said.

Do you understand?

As I read this, I noticed you have a lot of adverb qualifiers. Watch your adverbs. Personally, I love them, in narrative, that is. I think in dialogue they cheapen it. You should be able to convey how a character is saying something without adding them, through movement and their words. Often they aren’t even needed.

Example:

“What is it, Father?” Michael Said impatiently. – “What is it, Father?” Michael crossed his arms and tapped his foot. “Franklin is waiting to take me into town.”

(You also go on to say the father ignores Michael’s impatience. So why put impatient in.

Or:

“Thank you,” Hannah said politely. – “Thank you,” Hannah said. (Yes, usually thank you is polite.)

I have finished reading up to chapter two (including the prologue)

I think the writing needs work. You tell us a lot but don’t show us enough. Which means, you tell us what is happening...instead of showing us:

Example:

The unexpected knock at the door surprised Lewis Franklin, for he rarely received visitors.

You tell us he is surprised.

An unexpected knock at the door caused Lewis Franklin to jump, spilling his tea, and he tried to remember the last
time he received a visitor.

(You tell us a lot. You really need to work on showing. If a character feels something, try to show it instead of telling it. He was angry –becomes—his face turned red and he slammed his fist on the counter)

I hope that’s clear.

It also hops around from person to person, so I am guessing this isn’t third limited but rather third omnipresent. Which is fine, but it does get a bit confusing here and here as to who’s head we are in. And there seem to be a lot of characters right off the bat.

Example:

The paragraph starting: As if he sensed Margaret...you jump between their two heads all through this paragraph.

Last time I checked flipping POVs like this was frowned upon and I’ve had several agents mention it.

I think you have the pacing. Things are happening quickly, but not at break neck speed.

The dialogue is fairly well done, but I think the tags and direction need to be cleaned up.

As well as the punctuation which I told you about earlier.

It seems as though people are enjoying this, so good for you.

I wish you luck with it.

T.L Tyson – The Reign of Billie Blackwater

Forget real life and lose yourself in this delicious Edwardian saga.

We are plunged into the action immediately with a traumatic birth.

Then the Titanic sinks and we are introduced to the wonderful Lynchcliffe's who, although wealthy and privileged have problems of their own.

How will the beautiful and charming Margaret fit in?

Well done Melanie. I really hope this engaging novel does well.

Your pitch caught my attention so I decided to take a look at "The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo".
Although I don't usually enjoy historical stories, this one was good. It kept me reading. Great story so far.
I will come back to finish it, but I'll rate you for what I have read so far.
Don't worry, I'll rate it highly :)
Christina
Take a Sick Break

Hello Melanie
' The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo Vol 1

A delightful and well told story, written in a very readable way.
It is written with a lightness of touch that makes it easy to follow,so engaging.
A nice picture painted of a family's life in times past'
This is the sort of book that sells very well, as is evident from lots of Irish writers doing so well in this genre.
good luck
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
obliged if you would glance at mine, than ks

I have read through much of the work and found the pace and flow lead the reader from one chapter to the next. I loved the characters, but would have liked a little more description giving me the visual of each individual. But that’s just me I like to be led into how the author views their characters.

I like the amount of dialogue and narrative. I know many will probably try to cut out the narrative, but to me it builds the story. Some of the dialogue tags can be removed since they are not needed. The reader understands the thoughts you're tyring to convey without them. I wished there were more descriptions at times and less at others, but that may be just a personal style in writing. It didn’t hamper the read, I just was wishing for a tid bits here and there to help picture the surroundings. There are punctuation, grammar and structure things here and there, but nothing a good edit won’t clean up.

In the first chapter the reader is introduced to the father who must face a difficult decision, the emotion and struggle comes clear through the pages. In a time when life was far more difficult, family meant everything. I certainly could feel his anguish. This touch of emotion comes off the page easily.

As we move into the loss of her parents on the Titanic, I was hoping for a little more emotion, but that is individual and perhaps with her being away there was no real devastation.

As she settles into her new surroundings, the girlish attraction to Franklin is cute and the reader can envision their spark. As they continue, it’s obvious to her Aunt and one can only wonder how she feels, these are moments when I was looking for a bit more. As their fondness for each other grows, they begin to be more passionate in character. This is where your writing comes together. I really enjoyed the fight between them when Franklin stands his ground. This moment brought the words alive and off the pages. This type of feeling is what good wording and description can do.

The scene when they first fall into each other’s arms was good, but I believe you should put some of the fire you can create as in arguing, into that moment. But that’s just me I think that is a magical moment in most romances, when attraction is satiated for the first time.

I haven’t finished reading…but will get back to it when time allows…but wanted to comment more on the story and the bones, which I think are solid. I love the historical romance and I think with a little bit of polish this will do wonderfully.

All my best,
Wendy
And When

This is very beautifully written. A wonderful, ambitious accomplishment! High stars! Best Regards, jed Oliver (

You are a wonderful writer! Although this is not my typical read, I find your ability to craft a story remarkable. Giving you high stars!
~Faith Rose

I've just read the Prologue and a couple of chapters. This has the makings an excellent historical saga.

Hi Melanie. I just finished reading the rest of the book. I enjoyed it very much. I appreciate the fact that you gave the reader closure with other characters in the story and that you didn't end the book immediately after Margaret and Franklin's wedding. Too many romance novels end there and I always like to get a glimpse into the after-the-honeymoon stuff. Great story. I can't wait to start on the sequel.

Hi Melanie, I got a chance to look at your prologue and I greatly enjoyed the insertion you made. It gives an outlook on Thomas and Margaret's friendship that should actually be a patrent & daughter relationship. Well presented. I will get to reading more soon. Daniela

Hi Melanie,
I've made a start on the Lynchcliffe Cuckoo Vol 1 Laying Foundations and am enjoying it so far. It's got an engaging storyline, interesting characters and clearly displays an impressive amount of research lightly sprinkled, and general familiarity with the period. But I've been thinking how you could make it even better, which I know is what you wanted feedback on, and I've come up with a few things. You could use active verbs where possible, so, for example, 'lay on the bed' rather than 'was laying on the bed'. I think you'll find that that will strengthen the MS immediately and is pretty easy to do. I wasn't sure why you used the construction
'XX.' She said.
rather than
'XX,' she said.
Also, it could be me but I occasionally found it difficult to follow the changes of points of view. This could be rationalised further, sticking to one for each section, unless you want to have an omniscient narrator. But I'm guessing that may be partly due to the novel's origins as a TV script. (Could be wrong, of course.) Anyway, I really hope this helps. As always, discard what you don't agree with (maybe all of it!) but I wish you the best of luck with this. Have starred and will hopefully be able to provide a bit of backing shortly. Would like to see it do well.
Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

I liked it, not my thing, but I liked it.
I've just got one bit of advice for you. Don't listen too closely to any one. If we all followed the same formula we'd all be writing the same thing. If any of us really knew what we were on about, we wouldn't be here.

I think its coming together as a historical romance/fiction novel.

You are starting to use the syntax and language of the time and base it in the time frame of the plot with background information, as well as place the characters within that context, with the time's attitudes and behaviour in society.

It probably just needs a load of re-writes until you are happy with it and its a finished product.

As a hint, could you tell me where the plot is actually going, as in what happens in the book and at the end?

Are you going to have the suffragete movement as a large part of the plot, chagning the attitudes of everybody, or just have it as background ofr a character and concentrate on the characters rather than the changing times, etc, etc.

Since where you balance the society with the character in it will effect how the book reads.

A BHCG review

Not the usual type of fiction I read. Please take my comments as constructive feedback.

C1
I would delete ‘obvious’. If a character was narrating the scene then it would be fine.

I think you need a new line for ‘Catherine Frazer studied…’

I don’t understand the line ‘He glanced at the cheap drawings of his hometown, Whitby, hanging on the wall and the threadbare carpet under his feet’.

What is average height? Be specific.

Two uses of ‘emerged’ in one sentence.

Do you explain why Frazer is able to make this decision about his daughter? Why will his employers take the child?

Don’t push to hard on the emotion. ‘Died so tragically’

Why is Lady T’s similarity that important to Fraser at this stage?

‘Ly’ adverbs need reduced. They soften the meaning of a sentence and dilute meaning.

Don’t tell us this information about Celia (‘not exactly cold hearted but..’) show it through her actions, her relationship with others.

Why does Fraser ask Celia about her lack of children? It seems out of place given their relationship and different status in that era.

A couple of scenes where we go over the same territory, Frazer’s agonising, reluctance, dashed hopes for the future. Don’t lack confidence in what you’ve written, there’s no need to over emphasise the tragedy or the mans deliberations or return to them so much in this chapter. It kills the momentum.

Change ‘she should’ to ‘should she’.

The speed at which we exit the scene with the remorseful Frazer and race through Margarets life, her fathers alcoholism and recovery from it don’t feel right. I would simply cut to the scene prior to the girls 20th birthday and show us these details in other ways rather than this rapid log of info.

Some punctuation errors toward the end of the chapter.

I would drop the ‘series of events’ line. Foreshadow the danger, fine but a little more lightly.

C2
‘News of the Titanic was creating waves…’ Probably a better way of putting it.

I like the unsinkable, unthinkable line.

You don’t need to tell the reader the conversation is difficult.

I don’t think Lady Lynchcliffe needs to reveal so much about her late sisters child baring issues. It seems inappropriate.

Rewrite the tornado line.

It’s interesting that despite claiming the family is sensitive to injustice and benevolent their reaction to Margaret is surprisingly unpleasant in some ways. A good source for drama.

C3

I would cut ‘duly’ from ‘duly surprised’.

‘Someone’ used twice in one line.

You might want to mark the fact that time has passed from Franklin talking with Lady L and their going to meet Margaret. The jump from one to the other without some acknowledgement of time passing is awkward.

‘Girls this is. Our chauffeur...’ remove full stop.

Would the servants talk like this and risk Lady L hearing? Would Franklin be so open about his opinion with Irene, who he has only just met?

I wouldn’t describe the exact sequence of car, bags and boot that Franklin goes through. The greetings are what we want to get to.


I suggest you read passages aloud to yourself during the editing process. It helps find clunky prose or repetition that reading into yourself doesn’t.

All the best with it Melanie.

Hi Melanie,
Here for my return read. Please take any comments with a pinch of salt, if not a barrel I’m only an amateur like you!
The pace is good and the descriptive prose is mostly very readable.
I like the dialogue with the exception of using all those –ly adverbs to tell the reader what the dialogue should imply or express.
The scene in the prologue is good though a little more period detail might enhance – a description of the room, the mantel, the pictures on the wall, the rug on the floor, the curtains. It’s a good opportunity to define the time period of your story.
The story over all is very good and intriguing and deserves to be read.
A few points:
Can one writhe comfortably? – probably not, so omit ‘uncomfortably’
Long or protracted not both. As they mean the same thing.
Cut ‘deferentially’ if the dialogue or prose doesn’t make it plain, no use telling the reader.
‘The baby came out’ Well you can do better than this. Normally, the head comes out facing backwards, then it rotates, then one shoulder then the other and you support the head and the back as the torso and legs come in a gush of fluid, detail makes it more interesting – just my opinion…
The paragraph beginning Thomas was fighting back tears… You might need to show his feeling with some movements, the appearance of the moisture in his eyes. Describe what his thoughts are – is he numb? Is he choking. Describe and show, don’t tell….
Drop the ‘thinly’ show it ,yes but don’t use –ly adverbs in your dialogue if you can avoid it. ‘Catherine really wanted a little girl.’ He tried to smile but his mouth contorted into a thin mockery of it… - OK not very good but that’s the sort of thing I mean.
‘What choice do I have,’ he said somewhat sharply. Don’t do this either – the somewhat is vague and wooly. You can make the tone sharp with the dialogue:
‘You think I have a choice?’ is a bit sharper maybe.
‘He had never known love like what he felt for little Margaret.’ Should be: ‘He had never known a love as powerful as that which he felt for Margaret’
Verdict: I like this story very much, though a bit of editing wouldn’t go amiss.
Backed for a great story.

Hey,
I've read the prologue and first two chapters. I believe that you have some talent, although it does seem that there are a few little mistakes here and there, but there's nothing major. Perhaps you should give a little edit so that people focus more on the story which is unfolding, rather than telling you about these.
I enjoyed the prologue and i felt a swell of emotion when Mrs Frazer died. It was well written and heart wrenching. Your dialogue was believable throughout, descriptions were effective enough for me to be able to visualise the world this is in. These are the most important aspects, along with having an actual story which is worth telling, and you do. If you want this to reach the ed though, you'd need to give this a little edit to remove the instances of bad grammar and use of comas etc.

All in all, an enjoyable read that fans of the genre will no doubt love.

Regards,

M.Hagan

August 1, 2011 –
Chapter 4:
Much better font. Thank you. Hope that wasn’t any trouble? I think you are only doing your readers, and hopefully, publishers a favor. :)

You have also restructured the paragraphing, which is great!

There are some typos I thought you might want to check on:
• wouldn’t’t
• several periods misplaced
• Mr., Mrs., Dr. do not have periods after them.

If you would be interested, I would gladly look at a Word document and point out these things, since there are still several. I only want to help you put your best foot forward, especially since you are climbing the ranks quickly.

• Fortune Hunters shouldn’t be capitalized
• isn’t’t
• gold plated should be hyphenated

Let me know if you want to email me a copy so I can use the editing program on it to point out things. Your manuscript is looking much better, and I have to say, the story is intriguing. I’m at the part where Margaret and Lewis just argued in the gardens, and she’s looking for the doctor. I also saw that you were uploading another book. How exciting! Can’t wait to read that too!

Good luck, Melanie! Let me know, okay.
Ellise ;)

Hi Margaret,
I read your prologue and I will come back and read some more of the chapters.
This is an intriguing beginning. I love these kind of historical stories. It must have been hard times back then, and I can see that this kind of thing probably happened a lot. To give up a daughter must be a difficult thing and you have captured the emotions of this nicely.
On the editing side of things, the only thing I noticed was the punctuation with dialogue. Now I am no expert and I have been pulled up for the same thing, so don't take my word as gospel, but I think mostly after speech when you are saying he said, she said, its a comma and not a full stop. Also if you finish the speech with a question mark or exclamation mark, the he said and she said are still in lower case. A minor nitpick, you may like to address.
Otherwise I will come back and read further chapters, and leave some feedback. I'll watchlist your book for now,
Cheers Jacoba

I just finished reading the new and improved Part One. It's evident you've done alot of work on this and as a result, this story is much smoother and very polished. I'm so glad you incorporated the scene at the end of the Prologue where Margaret is speaking with Thomas before she leaves for France. It's a very emotional scene- realistic because if Thomas was working for the Trevelyns all that time, he would have had some interaction with his daughter.

Chapter One starts off better now. The phone call is certainly a better way to introduce the news of Helena's sister's death and the fact that she now has a niece. Marcus, Michael, and Sarah's reaction are much more natural in this version as well. In chapter two, Franklin's relationship and interactions with Helena seem more realistic as well-- he is still a valued member of the household without the overt familiartiy.

As you know, this is my third (or is it fourth?) reading of this set of chapters. I'm amazed at the amount of effort you've put into this. I'm so happy for you. You have a real winner here.

Chapter 8: "...I hope your interest in women's suffrage is purely academic?"
"Yes, father!" Lol

Chapters 7 through 14 (Chapter 3 on the 'listed' chapters): The progression of your story is good, Melanie. Thank you for the enjoyable read. There are a few things that I think you can polish. Again, punctuation, spelling, paragraphs, etc., are all good things to perfect. Always good for us writers, right? Some of the subjects are only just briefly touched on, and I think you can do better than that. You have a story to tell, so tell it a little more thoroughly. (Examples: You did well describing the intrigue with Katie and Mary. That is what I'm talking about. But the discussion between Franklin and Irene needs a little work. They really don't know each other that well, and yet, they are speaking about pretty intimate and familiar subject matter. Also, I was surprised at the familiararity of Saxhill, and some of the frank discussion. I might be the only one shocked by that, so you do with that what you are going to do. I also think there could have been more drama in the letting go scene of Mary, and then again, with Katie to satisfy the reader's feelings for revenge, or whatever.) I'm not in to erotica, and hope the story doesn't go there, but you have talent, so keep at your story!

I do have to say, a very good grab of the attention at the ending here. Way to go! Intrigue, suspense, all that good stuff building up! You can always draw upon that drama too.

Again, great job, Melanie! Hope you don't mind the constructive criticism. I think we can all do with a little bit to make our stories stronger. Hope I've only helped and encouraged, because that is what I mean to do. ;)

All my best,
Ellise ;)

The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo -- Melanie Dent: Okay, here’s my first impressions. Be patient with me, please. I think that the easiest font on the eyes for reading is Times Roman 12 point, not bolded. Titles and whatever else, use your imagination. Just an eye thingy, hurts them is all.

Okay, next. What I’ve read, so far, is great! I love your story! Good job! I believe you can take what you have already, though, and make it really count. Here’s how, I believe, you can make your story stronger. Take what you already have and embellish. Explain each moment, describe feelings, passions, worries. Describe your surroundings, the smells, feels, and whatnot. In other words, use all your senses. Step through each sentence and describe to us what you are actually seeing and sensing, etc., like a movie experience, from scene to scene. I feel like you have a good backbone, but not enough description. Now, with you reading my book, you might say, “Too much description, Ellise!” So, you have to consider the source. :) This is, after all, only one person’s opinion. You really do have to go with your gut on this, what makes you really happy in your own writing.

I think it’s really important to love your own work and have confidence in it. Too much change to please others can change the story altogether from what it once was. That’s some advice I’ve received over and over from caring friends and family…and I even read it from another published author is her own interview. So, be careful. But, I believe your gut will talk to you about what feels right and what doesn’t, what people suggest that is good, versus what isn’t. So just feel your way through.

I’ve read through chapter 2 (which I believe is actually Chapter 6?), and plan on reading more, but as I logged back on to your book and started reading Chapter 3 (really Chapter 7), my eyes did hurt from the font. Silly. And don’t feel like you have to go changing it, all of a sudden, but it is difficult to want to continue with my eyes aching. Really silly! I do it all the time! Anyway, I will continue and let you know what else I think. As far as specifics go, some punctuation and sentence structure errors, etc., easy stuff to fix. I think the “meat” of the story is more important. Like I’ve said, you’ve got a great backbone of a story, I think you need to embellish on what you already have.

Great job! Keep it up!

Ellise
~The Governess~

I just finished reading part 3. This is a very fast paced set of chapters, full of tension. Although it's a good idea to hook the reader at the end of each chapter, I'm not sure that you need to spell things out the way you do. For example, Lady Lynchcliffe bids her husband goodnight and you say "little did she know it was the last time she'd see him alive." I don't know what I'd suggest in place of this, but I think the sentence needs to go because it pulls the reader out of the story and into the author's head- yours.

Should Margaret have had more of a reaction to finding out about she was adop"ted? Maybe. It would make her a more sympathetic character. I loved the garden scene where she and Franklin get into an argument. When he tells her to contact him when she's ready for a real man, it made me like him even more. I loved seeing that fire between them. Sometimes when characters argue, it's even more erotic than a love scene.

Speaking of the love scene, this is one part where I'll refrain from commenting as I don't feel qualified to critique that aspect of the book. (I've been reading and writing YA too long, so one rule I've adhered to is less is more). I'd maybe ask a few romance writers to look at this because I feel like you could have added more to draw the scene out. But, what do I know?

By the end of part 3, I'm totally hooked by the murder mystery. The readers know who did it (or at least I think we do) but the characters have no clue. This scene is very well done by the way: creepy, good visuals, fast reading. What else? Oh, yeah. I love this book.

Hi Melanie,

I've taken another look, and read all the way to the end of chapter two. i'm afraid I don't have time for more at the moment. But it was enough for me to recognize both the strengths and weaknesses of your work.

On the plus side, great story! And your style is very consistent with the time you write about. It's clean and direct, and feels, as I said last time, a bit like Bronte. I think you're a good writer and you do a good job with characterization and plot.

I did have some things that confused or concerned me. I didn't understand why you capitalized certain nouns in the middle of sentences. Three that I found where morphine, four and landowner. These are not proper nouns -there's no reason for them to be capitalized.

As TriciaPixel pointed out, there were some repetitions: emotional distance twice in one paragraph, the word impatiently used close together. Which brings me to another point: adverbs. A wise writing teacher once said to avoid them wherever possible. They're a bland way of saying something and don't really convey much meaning. I can't remember if in my last email I gave my "show, not tell" speech - the quintessential writer's maxim. I am a big believer in showing, not telling, that is vividly describing a person or a scene or an action - that's showing. Adverbs are telling. Instead of saying "impatiently" SHOW us someone's impatience through his behavior. Somewhere you said "sulkily." Show us the sulk. Her lips turned down, and her eyes glared in anger." Something like that.

Other examples of telling instead of showing: "exquisitely beautiful" and "plain looking thin girl." Let us see the beauty and plainnness. If there were one thing for you to pay attention to in your writing, it would be this. A couple more examples: He wasn't that intelligent. The conversation was difficult. Let's see the unintelligent guy say or do something dumb. Let's hear the difficult conversation. When you do this, the reader sees a little scene play out, and gets more engaged with the story.

There were a few plot points that confused me. Why would the lady of the house ask her servant if he would "be able to drive us" somewhere? Isn't it his job to do as she asks? And why would she sit in the front seat next to him? That doesn't feel like anything I know about the class divisions at the time.

I had trouble with the ease with which people made major decisions. I wanted to see the father show at least some emotion, and some indecisiveness with this his decision to give up the baby. The lack of conflict just made the story seem bland. I had the same reaction to the husband's ready agreement to take on the niece. No argument, no discussion, just "okay, sure I'll take on a niece I've never met and didn't even know existed." This didn't feel plausible and again, felt bland.

In the prologue, you have the adoptive family say that they would reveal her origins to the girl when she came "of age." I'm not sure when that means,but in the next scene she' s off to the Sorbonne and she seems not to know.

And what of her relationship with her real father. Does she have one? And how has he felt watching over his daughter all these years in secret? The reader - or at least this reader - wants to know.

Finally, the sister not remembering what the fight was about was hard to swallow. A fight so bad they never spoke again and she doesn't remember why? Not credible to me.

Melanie, I hope you don't think I'm being overly critical. I would like to see this book succeed because I do think it can. But I also think you need to tighten up the writing. Make it sing!

I do wish you the best with this.

And of course, one more time - thanks for continuing to support Animal Cracker. It's the home stretch -yay!

All my very best,
Andi

I just finished part 2 and the rewrites. I think it was a good move letting Sarah, Michael, and Piers in on Margarets secret. It really picked up the pace and it leaves all sorts of room for disaster. The hint of inpending trouble keeps the reader hooked. The little tweak to Piers character adds an interesting twist as well. I can't wait to read on.

Melanie, I have reached chapter 5 where we find Franklin, gripping to every strand of self control. He cannot stop thinking about her and she is likewise seduced. The chapters prior to this reveal the same anxiety, stacking up the suspense of the reader. I think you have made great strides to see these chapters elaborately structured. The scene in the café is well crafted, tight and surging forward, holding the readers’ attention. But there is an essence of speed here. I wonder if their passion would still be curbed at this point, brought about by background and social behaviors of the time. It’s just a thought. By chapter 10 we see them embroiled, kissing fervently and living on that memory. I see comments others have made on your book so I won’t say any more to save repetition. Its moving along nicely.

I re-read the Tearoom scene- well done. Now, onto the second set of chapters. When Lewis and Margaret are walking to town, they keep referring to each other by their first names. I know it is significant because it shows a certain intimacy, but by doing so in almost every piece of dialogue, it becomes distracting. The only other complaint is when Marcus and Helena are talking about Margaret's crush on Franklin, Helena says something about the physical requirements between a man and wife. I don't think she would have said something like this in front of her son.

Overall, another strong set of chapters. Good hook at the end when Sarah has a superstitious prenomition about Marcus's death and I liked the hint that Margaret might soon find out about the circumstances of her birth. Great character development with Margaret- it's so romantic that she willing to go to such lengths to defend Franklin and it shows her strength as well. I loved the first kiss scene and the conversation where Franklin offers to take her away when she is ready. This story is SO romantic.I love the settings you've created, the cast of characters, and the growing love between Margaret and Lewis.

Hi. I re-read the first three chapters that you've edited, and all I can say is "much improved." It's more streamlined and I like that you are relying more on dialogue and less on backstory. It moves along at a really good pace now, and when I reached the end of the 3 chapters, I just kept on going onto chapter 6. I don't really have any complaints about chapters 4 through 6 other than a few punctuation errors, but we all have those. The scene at the memorial service was touching and appropriate. Very sweet the way they hold hands and offer condolences. Here's my only nitpick: the scene in the tea-shop. I'm not sure that Franklin and Margaret would have admitted their feelings that quickly. Franklin would probably see it as presumptous and Margaret should be struggling more. Maybe they could acknowlege their freindship without making it sound like it was more. Then Margaret could feel disappointed internally that Franklin didn't feel the same, and he could feel saddened that she is too young and socially removed from him to ever think of him like that. Or, maybe Margaret could acknoweledge her feelings as a slip-up and become embarrased. Whatever suits your storyline. It just seeed too easy for them to confess their budding feelings. Some holding back would create nice conflict and sexual tension. You did a good job with the Sarah scene all around-- the crowd, her fear, her eventual removal to the tea shop. When Margaret gets riled up, it turns Franklin on. Now, THAT'S some good sexual tension. I like it. I'll read the next set of chapters and get back to you.

Melanie. Though not a genre I would necessarily read, I found myself happily reading this.
My thoughts:
I love the idea of the 'star-crossed' lovers, Margaret and Lewis - believing they are from different classes/social standings, though inexplicably drawn towards each-other. It creates tension which always leads to a good read.

A few things nits to be picked: Your dialogue. When addressing a person, a comma is used. At one point, the missing comma caused confusion - "What are the other servants like Mr Franklin?" asked Irene. By placing a comma, it eliminates any ambiguity: "What are the other servants like, Mr Franklin?"
E.g. Will you be attending the party tonight, Cheryl?
or Duncan, hand me the peas.

As I said, a good read. Interesting characters with sustenance ;)

First of all, I want you to know that I only beat up on stories I really like. If my feelings toward a story are lackluster, my comments reflect it. If I see amazing potential, I’ll do anything I can to help you turn it into everything it can be. So that being said, I am going to beat up on your story. I apologize in advance for offending you.

Prologue:
The first sentence is a strong one, but using the same word twice detracts from it. (In the first paragraph, the words sweat and pain are used twice.) I found a few commas in places they shouldn’t be, but it didn’t alter the readability. Overall, the prologue was very clean, very well-edited. Great dialogue, heart-wrenching emotion, a very good lead in to the book. I’m definitely wanting to read more.

Chapter One:
Again, I’m having issues with the first paragraph: the phrase “both sides of the Atlantic” is used twice. Repetition jars the reader from the story. This is a common problem when you try to edit your own work—I’m a repeat repetitive word offender, so I’m not judging… just pointing it out. I thought this was a great, albeit short chapter. You’ve introduced us to new characters and given some insight into the household without overwhelming the reader. The end of the chapter where Marcus reprimands Mikael is a good hook. I’m wondering if Michael’s spending habits (and the discord between father and son in general) is going to cause problems later in the book.

Chapter Two:
Oh, no. I’m nitpicking your first paragraph again! I feel like you could lose most of this altogether and come out ahead. Don’t tell us Franklin has charisma. We can feel it later when we meet Margaret. Let us see him through Margaret’s eyes. I think we can see his quiet and unassuming qualities by the way her interacts with the other household members.

Ditto with the section where they are driving to pickup Margaret. The conversation between Helena and Franklin seems too contrived. Could you give us this information through Franklin’s introspection? I can’t imagine Helena having this conversation with a servant, or Franklin being willing to answer so honestly. “women of my own class,” is probably not a phrase he would use in real life.

When Margaret sees Franklin and vice versa, this is where the story takes off. This part is well done, which is why I think you can lose that first paragraph. This is the part where the reader can feel the connection.

I like the feelings of premonition Margaret feels when she meets Katie. This sets up the future conflict in the story, which is important because the reader feels that tension early on. I love that Margaret has a racing pulse when Franklin stands next to her. I’d draw on that a little more… maybe have her wondering what it was that made her feel so drawn to him. When Franklin shows Margaret to her room, this would have been a good spot to draw out some more emotion. Margaret might be blushing to have him so near the spot where she will lay her head each night.

Chapter Three
I don’t know whether or not I should beat up on this first paragraph or not. OK, I will. You have a tendency to dump a lot of info into your first paragraphs. I’d try dumping the paragraph, and trying to weave that same information into the chapter in a different way. The subsequent conversation with Sally explains most of what you said in the first paragraph, but in a more natural way. Sarah is a strong, likeable character, a champion of women’s rights, a courageous young soul. I look forward to learning more about her.

Overall, I liked this story. Character building is obviously your strength. I won’t read a book if I don’t like the characters, no matter how strong the writing is. Dialogue is another strong point in this story. Any issues with grammar and sentence structure is minimal and should be easily fixed with a good edit. I’d like to see you draw on more emotion in the first couple of chapters, but you’ve done a good job setting up the plot and setting a mood. This has all the elements of a good historical romance. I look forward to reading more.

Hi Margaret,

I felt I was back in Bronte territory! That's a good thing. You do a good job of setting the stage for the story. there is a lot to like here.

I did notice a lot of punctuation errors - missing commas, run-on sentences. These stop the reader short, and take her out of the story, and you don't need that.

I also found some redundancies - swarthy dark Those two words mean the same thing.

I am a big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell," and I did see some "telling." One example: "Michael looked like he had somewhere else he wanted to be...his cocksure arrogance..." Why not let us meet Michael and create a scene showing us his demeanor, something like "Michael perched on the edge of the chair, tapping his foot, and glancing at the clock every minute....What is it, father. I have a car waiting.' He glanced at the clock again."

In other words, I'd like to see the writing livened up a bit. That's just my take - others may disagree.

I'm giving you a bunch of stars, and of course, thanking you again profusely for backing Animal Cracker during the home stretch.

All my very best,
Andi

Well done. Franklin's and Margaret's first encounter is vivid and their affection to each other is described well. For the prologue and Thomas, his grief described can be felt within the readers now.

Good luck

Very cinematic, I can see the story as I read it. It has untold depth, that would make it enjoyable to watch and reflect on.

gripping stuff. if it were in book form it would be unputdownable. it has a lot of period melodrama. the servants are fun. there is no nonsense in here. it is served straight up. it is not remotely my sort of thing but i did find myself reading on and the premise is irresistible really i should have thought.

I like the prologue here. Fast paced and very cinematic. I could literally see the story play out as I read. I like that we get a feel for how distraught Thomas felt at the loss of his wife but at certain points I felt the action moved a little too swiftly. I’m all for short and punchy, but the opening has the potential to be so moving I would have liked to be able to relax into the story slightly more rather than feeling rushed. On a whole I really like your style and time permitting I would love to read more.

I don’t think Celia comes across as entirely cold-hearted since I get the picture she is capable of great warmth. The sentence, “Celia kissed Margaret’s mop of dark hair” gives her a compassionate side. She is happy to let Frazer hold the baby one last time and the scene in Lord Trevelyan’s study suggests great empathy over Frazer’s sacrifice. If anything, she is extraordinarily ladylike—a quality of restraint and decorum characteristic of the time. Claire.

Melanie, this paragraph on Thomas’ grief is much better. We now have a ‘visual’ of his emotions. The only thing I would do is to cut one of the lines that says, “He was clearly affected by the loss of his patient” since it is repeated again in the next paragraph. Nice use of words and passion in the paragraph that starts, “When he was finally left alone . . .” It brings his sorrow into a more devoted dimension. He loved his wife. She was everything to him.

Franklin and Margaret’s meeting is even more alluring than I remember. It certainly takes your breath away! I would suggest only one thing and that is to watch any repetitions. For instance: “He wasn’t handsome, not in the conventional sense …” You have it written in the paragraph “Franklin arrived on the platform ….” and then again in the paragraph which starts “They pulled up and Franklin let them out…” You have a marvelously sensual way of writing and the pace is fast. You are sure to stimulate your audiences. Claire.