Parabolic

Stumbled across this, can't remember how but I've had it on the WL for a few days.

So, initial impression.....really enjoying it. AJ's actions could so easily seem selfish, over the top and, well, like he's a bit of a knob, really. But you've avoided that. He's a genuinly interesting character who just lives on the page. I think the personal emails are a nice touch.

Your writing style is spot on, it's blokey without eliminating a female readership, its realistic and I find myself wanting to go on a journey with these two guys which, after all, is what you want your reader to do! Also liking the humour, so far its set up to deftly handle the darker parts of the story and I suspect will aid in delivering an emotional sucker punch come the time. Highly starred!

Psychloid, a word I just coined and claim, would fit AJ. cycloid is the curve that gets a falling body down and orthogonal the fastest.

Great start Harry - I really enjoyed the prologue and opening chapter. It's an original idea and thankfully avoids the over sentimental stuff. It's also nice to see that you've not written Adam as a victim. Loved it.

Hi Harry,
After reading the first few chapters, I can say like the idea and the characters. I think the pacing is a little slow however, but that may just be my American attention span syndrome. As I have hundreds of emails from people asking me to read their books, I am only going through the first few chapters now, and going back to read more later.
Phil

Psychloid, a word I just coined and claim, would fit AJ. cycloid is the curve that gets a falling body down and orthogonal the fastest.

Great start Harry - I really enjoyed the prologue and opening chapter. It's an original idea and thankfully avoids the over sentimental stuff. It's also nice to see that you've not written Adam as a victim. Loved it.

As I promised, at your request :). It's interesting. It is definitely something I see myself looking more into, however, I'll still in the process of finish my book. Once I'm done, I'll return to read some more. (which reminds me, read my first chapter, if you please :) )

The idea that AJ is dying and spending the money that he is...one would think he would be totally stoked (I am American, so forgive my slang) But how can you be happy dying from cancer? Though it is fictional, you have captured the true reality of what someone may mentally experience. We know that dying from cancer is painful, but as anyone truly thought why someone would want to do something brash, crazy, or irresponsible before death?

I like what I've read so far, obviously. And I enjoy your writing style.

And now to rate it -cheeses-

Hi Harry,
After reading the first few chapters, I can say like the idea and the characters. I think the pacing is a little slow however, but that may just be my American attention span syndrome. As I have hundreds of emails from people asking me to read their books, I am only going through the first few chapters now, and going back to read more later.
Phil

Adam is a realistic character doing things one may not agree with, but you don't hate him for it. It's enjoyable to go with him on his journey. In a way it's uplifting.

If you like, please check out my book, "The Kraken Slayer," still being uploaded. Thanks!

Damon Stentz

This is a good premise and I agree with other comments about it being a good plot for a film. I'm slightly concerned about him stealing charity money as even though he is dying it doesnt excuse him stealing money from charity. But I havent read it all so i dont know if / how you get around that one.

I noticed a couple of minor typo's, such as using 'routes' instead of 'roots'; and I wondered how much depth / detail you give to his condition. For example, you have him eating a burger and I'm wondering if someone with stomach cancer could eat a burger or not. I appreciate its not a book about cancer its a book about what you'd do if you only had three months to live, but I think you have to make sure the condition is believable, because cynical old farts like me will read it.

I've given you a high rating and wish you well with this entertaining story.

Deb
Charisma

Hi Harry,

I've just finished reading the first two chapters of your book. Your writing style is smooth and easy to read, your conversations are realistic and speed up the pace of the plot. AJ's email in the opening chapter is a clever way to set the scene, instantly bringing the reader into the story. His parents' email at the end of Chapter 2 is a sobering reminder that there are people who worry about him, as he sets off on his "The Bucket List" meets "Hangover" style of adventure. "Parabolic" is the sort of book that would make a fun and at times thought-provoking movie, and I'm sure you'll reach the Editor's Desk.

Best wishes,

Annette

Thanks for messaging me to give this a read, I must say the first chapter and prologue are fantastic. Well-defined characters, the right balance of seriousness and light-hearted humour. I particularly like the emails, a very original way of getting into other character's heads in a first-person story. Very enjoyable read and I hope it does well!

Stumbled across this, can't remember how but I've had it on the WL for a few days.

So, initial impression.....really enjoying it. AJ's actions could so easily seem selfish, over the top and, well, like he's a bit of a knob, really. But you've avoided that. He's a genuinly interesting character who just lives on the page. I think the personal emails are a nice touch.

Your writing style is spot on, it's blokey without eliminating a female readership, its realistic and I find myself wanting to go on a journey with these two guys which, after all, is what you want your reader to do! Also liking the humour, so far its set up to deftly handle the darker parts of the story and I suspect will aid in delivering an emotional sucker punch come the time. Highly starred!

Hey Harry! I've wanted to leave a comment as I've managed to finish the first two chapters, and let me tell you, I will want to know more. I love your writing style, it flows nice, it's current and it's not overly heavy with descriptions and fancy words, just the way I like my books to be.

Keep up the good work. I'll give more insights on the story as I go, but I'm already eager to know what surprises life will reserve for AJ in his journey!

Hi Harry
Very interesting concept for such a dark subject. Your writing style is easy and descriptive, with realistic conversations. I will come back to read more chapters as I have been drawn into the characters and storyline and would like to know how it all ends.
In Chapter 2 I picked up the following edits which need fixing:
The best we can do is one
(not the famous ones, obviously)
trillion channels in his leather
singing lessons first?'
to a ball game.'
My job was keeping me there
and he'd come back in the morning.
I felt like a schoolboy
magazines on the table,

Jenny
Liebling - an adventurous life

Interesting topic. I read the first 2 chapters and enjoyed the characters dialogue and interactions. I'll read more later.

TJ Dowling
Daddyball: One Crazy Season

Original premise, I really like it. The style is so laid-back and easy to follow. I do wonder if the twattishness of the characters will become grating, but they have plenty of redeeming qualities. I like to give constructive feedback, but the only thing I could think of was, you can't buy a mcmuffin and a cheeseburger at the same time in McD's. That's not that useful is it?

It's really refreshing, even though i already feel their hangover. AJ's honesty about himself and his friend, even though he's dying, gives off a sad sort of realisation but now it's to late, so screw it. His reminiscing though, makes you rethink and wonder if this will be an outrageous trip or an exploration of something deeper. Really like when the ex-girlfriend was 'first in , last out' ...
Will read more Emma...

It's really refreshing, even though i already feel their hangover. AJ's honesty about himself and his friend, even though he's dying, gives off a sad sort of realisation but now it's to late, so screw it. His reminiscing though, makes you rethink and wonder if this will be an outrageous trip or an exploration of something deeper. Really like when the ex-girlfriend was 'first in , last out' ...
Will read more Emma

It's really refreshing, even though i already feel their hangover. AJ's honesty about himself and his friend, even though he's dying, gives off a sad sort of realisation but now it's to late, so screw it. His reminiscing though, makes you rethink and wonder if this will be an outrageous trip or an exploration of something deeper. Really like when the ex-girlfriend was 'first in , last out' ...
Will read more Emma

very good entrance...and well describes of what is going on with humour ...i have only read the 1 but it is now on my WL... as i have 29 books to read before your....

(who knows maybe your spiritual touch could shock you when you expected it less....lol)

For sure will get back to you for the overall feedback / scoring /backing...
till then have lovely week...
Olga13

I read the first chapter and half of the second. I enjoyed its irreverential, careless style and the comic interplay between the two main characters. I'm not sure if dying from cancer young is really fit subject-matter for humour, but hey, controversial novels have always been popular. So this could do well.

I'm rating five stars, and I hope this does well on the Desk. From what I've seen of it you have a unique style and an intriguing story to tell. I have no problem with swearing in books (or in films), but I do wonder if you might be overusing your obscenities a little. The problem with repeated use of the words "shit" and "fuck' is that they quickly lose their shock factor. Maybe tone it down a little. There's not too much grammatically wrong with your writing, but I believe some of the words you use might be replaced by better ones, to fit better with the sentences and the context in which they're used. (For example: "stereotypical". Why not "typical"? Have you ever heard someone refer to him/herself as a "stereotypical" something or other? That word might be used when it's being applied to someone else.)

Also, certain words need hyphens, and "AM"/"PM" should follow the conventions, "a.m." and "p.m,".just to give a few examples. If you're serious about sending this off to prospective agents and publishers, I'd recommend proof-reading and editing it to make it as perfect as possible. You need to scrub all the errors out of your manuscript, if you want it to get snatched up. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's a tough market out there!

I'm only making these recommendations and giving you this advice because I can see potential in your work, and hope this will help you to realize it.

Enjoyed reading this, and I've rated five stars. I hope you'll find the time to look at my offering.

James

*****

“making it’s move out of my stomach” – should be “its”

“chirpy as always” – don’t know if “chirpy” is the right word. Is a doctor investigating a cancer-patient likely to be “chirpy” in his dealings? “cheerful as always”, “positive,” “hopeful” and “encouraging” are possible alternatives

You have the word “bit” crop up two times in the next paragraph, in consecutive sentences. “We’ve talked about this bit for ages…”, “After the initial blame / tears / rage / denial bit…” I’d take out the first. Avoid word repetition. “We’ve talked about this for ages…”

“cathartic” – Feel free to ignore this advice; this is just my opinion. I’ll admit, despite being a writer, I had to look this up on my Word thesaurus to be sure of the meaning. I know this book has a fairly “adult” audience – I wouldn’t use such a word in my own novel, which is for younger readers – but might a word like “cathartic” not put some readers off? Having to consult a dictionary on the first page is not a good sign. I’d try something more well-known, more ordinary. “bottom line is that it’s been a fairly liberating experience”.

“I’ve never believed in god” – when speaking of a single deity, it’s upper-case “God.” Multiple deities or referring to the concept of god, lower-case “god.” So “any god” is correct.

“and, to an extent, I am” – maybe instead of “to an extent”, “in a way”. “in a way, I am.”
“On one side… on the other side” – a more conventional expression is “On one hand… on the other…”

“It was a question Bench had asked me in various guises and I’d deflected every hour sine the previous weekend” – how about “It was a question Bench had posed me in various guises and I had deflected every hour since the previous weekend”. Think that runs a little smoother.

“five days’ back” – why not “five days ago” ?

“10.30AM” – a stupid nitpick, but the convention is “a.m.” and “p.m.”: lower-case, with full-stops.

“So there we were: - me & Bench” – don’t need the hyphen after the comma. Just “So there we were: me and Bench” Don’t use an ampersand in prose, either!

“shoulder length dreads” – should hyphenate: “shoulder-length”

“garishly bright outfits” – I’d just have “garish outfits.”


“or so I aspired” – “or so I hoped” sounds better

“I wasn’t necessarily a bitter person by nature” – lose the “necessarily,” it isn’t needed. “I wasn’t a bitter person by nature.” Or maybe “I wasn’t naturally a bitter person.”

“stereotypical public school white boy” – why not “typical” ?

“view on the world” – “view of the world”

“’til I became the adult I was” – I think “was” should be “am,” to make it present. “’til I became the adult I am”

“up to the minute”, “air hostess”, “name tagged” – all need hyphens. “up-to-the-minute”, “air-hostess”, “name-tagged”

“to where a group of airline folk were milling about” – think you used the verb “milling” a little earlier in this chapter. Try a different word.

Hmm… I’ve never seen dialogue done this like before, presented in a screenplay format in a prose novel. Considering the overall unusual, irreverent nature of your story-telling, this might just work.

The word “fuck” is appearing a LOT in your book. I know it’s an adult novel, and despite the subject matter it’s a story that doesn’t take itself seriously, but do you think you might be over-doing the “fuck”s? The problem, of course, in overusing a particular swear-word is that it rapidly loses its shock factor. Underplay the swearing a little. “crazy and stupid”, or “zany and stupid.”

“near on a hundred grand” – “near a hundred grand”. Don’t need “on”.

“knitting his fingers together” – just “knitting his fingers”. “together” isn’t needed.

“preacher-like” – how about “preachy” ? “before speaking to me in a considered, almost preachy way.”

“grown beyond all plans” – how about “grown beyond expectation”

“allowed little time for a social life” – “left” instead of “allowed”. "left little time for a social life." Small words are generally better than big words.

Brilliant book on a tough subject and one that I am sure will be published one day! I like how this is funny as well as cleverly written! I will be back to read more soon. Best of luck, Lisa.

Harry - Parabolic is fun, fast and humorous whilst dealing with tough subjects. I read the first four chapters, then the last and then a few inbetween. The energetic dialogue, the clever plot and the real characters remained true throughout the MS. I will go back and read it all. Within the flying dialogue, I found the swearing, although true to the characters, distracting. I wish you well in the rankings. All the best, Bridget - The Road from Makhonjwa.

ohoho this is as good as promised! wow. backin it for sure. Man, your dialogue is hilarious!

Thank you for inviting me to read "Parabolic" today. I have enjoyed the first two uploads, which were refreshingly upbeat and funny, considering the subject matter. A wonderful lightness of touch permeates you writing, neither sentimental nor heavy. The result is convincing and very readable.

Your MC is just a bloke, and his internal voice is beautifully set to the page. He does not come across as particularly heroic, which, again, helps me to identify with him. Your writing is careful to ensure the tone is genuine, which works well in the overall story. Similarly, Bench is well described and intriguing. I am drawn in, and, were it not for shortness of time, I could easily read on and enjoy this.

All the best. Highly rated.

Fran :-))

Harry,
I read some of parabolic a long time ago, and have rediscovered it. Your new cover for the book looks much better than the old one. The new one makes me think of someone 'living in the fast lane.' I'll add to this comment as I read.

AJs confusion with reading maps made me smile. I have some trouble with them too.
I have got up to where AJ learns Bench is a drug dealer. I find Bench's excuses for what he does. reprehensable. When he says he is going to stop soon, as he has made enough money, I just feel he will be caught soon.

A brilliant but devastating prologue Harry! I love your straight to the point style and I love this whole idea. I shall be backing it. Well done! Natalie (Diary of John Crow)

Hello Harry-
book- Parabolic-

read some chapters of this book and scan read at least four more-
It's a fast moving read and certainly one for the lads to enjoy-moving along at a fast pace-
It's quite sad in ways, however the humour keeps it afloat on it's travels
there is a big market out there for this type of read and i am certain it will do very well-

tom bye
book -from hugs to kisses'

You write with empathy and humour without ever veering towards the mawkish and crass. I liked the contrast between AJ’s adventures with Bench which seemed almost surreal in context and the very real worry and anxiety back home very effectively conveyed via email. I thought your State of mind statements were neat and clever too. I’ve read the first few chapters, the last couple and a few more randomly in between and this is quality writing throughout. I found some of the chapters a little long for reading on screen but that’s just me and I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem at all on the printed page. I don’t often read requests but in this case I’m so pleased I did. Highly starred. Good luck.

Ellie

Hi Harry,
Parabolic is a wonderfully written novel with engaging characters and a brilliant story line. I like that you haven't shied away from writing about the particularly difficult and common tragedy of cancer that affects one in three people today. The humour you've managed to inject is well appreciated otherwise it might have been a little morose for most readers.

Aj is an interesting character. A little sarcastic, a little juvenile, he portrays most people's idea of a typical 'lad' and I found him, in his own way, to be quite charming. Bench is a great friend, and the perfect charcter to accompany him as they set off on their adventures.

This was a really good read :)
Highly rated !

Yasmin
- Guileless

Hi, I really like this - enough to back it. I've only read to Chapter 3 but am keen for more. The chapters seem quite long so could possibly be shortened. Other than that, loving it. I think you might like mine - The Dog Walker's Guide to Obedience Training (it's not really about dogs!). Juno

PARABOLIC
This is a story based on an interesting concept. I think there was a movie with this concept several years ago (a comedy with Eddie Murphy so at the end after he’d spent all his money he learned he wasn’t going to die). Your character is much more detailed. Bench makes a good companion for him; a reader can predict he’s going to cause trouble along the way. Based on how they’re taking this trip as a giant fun celebration, tho, I don’t understand why they chose Toronto over Vegas. I’m also worried about the overall sad feeling you’ve infused into the story. I read the first two chapters and liked them a lot but I’m wondering if I want to read a whole book about someone who makes such a point he is dying he even told an airline counter girl. Either way, I’m highly starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi,
Your writing style flows well. The story touches me, making me sad. To me it says life is difficult, but ending it may be more difficult and one needs to find meaning in something. This main character so far appears to be looking for meaning in fun.

Hi,
Your writing style flows well. The story touches me, making me sad. To me it says life is difficult, but ending it may be more difficult and one needs to find meaning in something. This main character so far appears to be looking for meaning in fun.

So having read the prologue I don't really want to read anymore as this doesn't suit my personal tastes. Your main character, whilst in a very sad predicament seems one dimensional and not very likable. Someone else on here as referred to this as being 'dick-lit' and it definitely seems to fit that description and is not what I'd read.

From an objective perspective, the main thing I'm struggling with is someone who is terminally ill might have the inclination to go on what is being set up as a bender, but their ailing health would hinder them and make it impossible. The general tone of this is extremely 'laddy' like an episode of the Inbetweeners, and obviously there is appeal for that but sadly not with me.

I think it is a great premise I just don't think I can connect with how it is being executed. Sorry I can't give more positive praise, but as a very feminine woman I don't think I'm the target demographic for a story of this nature so it is to be expected.

Hope this does well for you - sorry I don't want to read more and can't be more enthused about your project.

Hi! I am finally over here to read some of your book. I've read the first two chapters and found and found it quite interesting. There don't seem to be very many editorial things that need to be addressed; you're definitely good at writing! I liked the idea of starting with the email a lot, and like how you added another email in the second chapter. This could definitely have a market as "guy-lit"-- or as someone else termed it, "dick-lit"!
~Hannah

Hi Harry. Read the first two chapters and I like the style you have going. The writing is fluid and easily absorbed and the premise of the story is very real. Makes you wonder what you'd do in that situation. As characters, both Bench and AJ are likeable but ironcially if I met them for real chances are I'd hate them. It wouldn't surprise me if Bench planned to off AJ as soon as possible and keep all the money for himself! Aside from simple punctuation and spelling errors, a pet hate of mine - sorry, it's an entertaining read.

I loved your short pitch - it made me laugh and it really gives the flavor of the rest, I think. Very engaging voice and definable characters. That's really important, I think, setting up your supporting cast for something like this, sort of a buddy story, maybe The Hangover meets Guy Ritchie :). But it's not a movie, it's a book and for me, needs a deeper thread. I think perhaps you have done that with the email missives to his relatives, the hint of something unresolved and complications AJ will have to face despite all his efforts to live free and clear from the heavy stuff. I'm not sure what you'll have these guys do for an entire book, besides drink and bed women, but the voice is entertaining enough to carry me along for a while longer.

Entertaining and unique. Enjoyed this.

Mary

Hi Harry - I have finally got round to having a look at your book. It reminded me of the Bucket List - similar idea I think but without Jack Nicholson! Very well written and grabbed my attention immediately. I read several chapters and although it would not be usual choice of book I still had to admire the style of writing.

Interesting that your main character acts in the way he does because he doesn't believe in God. He should read my book! How do I know I know God? and that might have changed the way he thought!

Anyway, well done on your book and hope you continue to do well.

Hi Harry,
Great premise and instant engagement with the characters. There is a lot of moving into backstory in chapter 2 and my personal preference would be to have more current action. That said, I'm really impressed with your writing. I like the use of the email, the different ways you do dialogue and AJ's voice is excellent. I'm watchlisting and want to read more.
Hope you'll take a look at my book in return.
Best,
Kate
'The Licenser'

Great start - loved the email to ma and pa - only a man would do it that way :) I felt there was a bit too much backstory in chapter two and would suggest reducing it (spreading it out). Our books cover similar themes (mine is about a dying woman looking for a replacement wife for her husband), so it is interesting to see how you handle the medical stuff. Will be adding this to my wlist and reading further. Juliet

Hi Harry,

Just read the prologue, I am definitely intrigued by the story and will read on further when I have a few minutes.

Hi Harry,

Just read the prologue, I am definitely intrigued by the story and will read on further when I have a few minutes.

Hi Harry,

I've read the first couple of chapters and I think you've written a real winner.
You've used the technique of epistolary excellently... in this case it's a very good way to give insight to the thoughts of other characters without switching the PoV.
Speaking of which, AJ's narrative is great. It moves smoothly and clearly from point to point, without unnecessary repetitions or dawdling. You've taken something completely serious and added humour and light-heatedness along the way without losing or downplaying on the implications of death. Obviously, this is due to the well-constructed characters and situation they find themselves in (with 90 grand and limited time).

Starred, and will shelf soon, and I'll be back to read more.

Cheers,
Adam

What a brilliant read!
It's funny, realistic, thought-provoking, and so incredibly touching. Your characters are likeable and believable - there really isn't much to criticise here apart from the odd typing error: one that jumped out at me was in a hospital flashback scene when "it's" was used as possessive, rather than its. Parabolic is the kind of book I can imagine coming across in a shop. I can see this flying through the ranks - it's going on my bookshelf and will surely appeal to many people.
Best wishes, Isabel.
"The Boy From The Next Dimension."

Harry, read the first couple of chapters, and enjoyed the read, despite not at all being the target market for this book ( too old, too female etc). Short pitch especially is great.

This reminded me of Alex Garland, and I think his audience is definitely your target market.

Most of the technical points have already been picked up by other people, so won't repeat.

If you're able to do a first chapter read of http://www.authonomy.com/books/41307/the-fickle-moon/ it's be great. If not, good luck.

Hi Harry! I just dipped into your prologue, as requested, and thought it great. It's just the letter I would have written my folks if I'd had that nasty news. If I have any nits - and I'm guessing you want to hear them rather than me giving you a load of bullshit 'wows!' and 'I love this's!' - it would be as follows:

1) You might profitably lose the 'If you had ninety grand to spend etc' tag, since only 80 grand is mentioned in the prologue, I had to dig around in chap 1 to discover where the extra 10 came from.

2) You might also profitably lose (or adapt) the first para of your chap 1, since it a) repeats the 'how long have I got' thing, already addressed in the prologue, the reader may not want to hear it again; b) the 3 to 6 months in the prologue now becomes TWO to 6...confusing? You might get round this by taking the months out completely and start with 'Right, geezer, so it's bad then?'...'Yes, it's bad, but for the purpose of this particular mission, let's pretend like it isn't and see how we get on.'

3) there altogether too many 'months' in the prologue, notably in the para saying 'I need to get throught on my own in the next couple of months...you've done more for me than anyone in the last few months...'

4) insignificant nit, but it caught my pernickety eye. 'I don't believe God, any god', with cap G on the first one?

The good news is that I definitely wanted to read on. Six-starring you, mate, and on my list for future shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Hello Harry. Your book is beautifully written and rather hard hitting.
I must admit it is not the type of book I would buy but I think that you will have a massive audience with any publication it is with this in mind that I shall place it on my Bookshelf until after the closing date for the Editor's Desk and I wish you the best of Luck. Rated a 6 star read.
I will of course wait with bated breath for the return read.................... Christian

I read through the first three chapters and so far your book is fantastic. You manage to develop a real connection to the characters, especially AJ, right off the bat. Your use of a written letter to start the story and end chapters is sheer genius. It gives AJ life and makes the reader feel as if their reading something written by a real person. Your imagery is fantastic and you dialogue is smooth, believable and natural. This is a great find and I can see why you’ve made it so high on the charts. I will give this one high stars and I wish you luck. I’m sure this one will make it all the way to the editor’s desk

Parabolic.
Harry Lang.

I’ll say one thing..it’s a darn good read and the storyline is brill.
Yes, there is a bit of sadness that clings to the reader, after all, AJ’s got real problems with a death sentence hanging over him.
But I thought..Well, it’s written from his own p.o.v. so he may be safe at the end..I hope so.
I like Bench’s character, he’s along for the ride and nothing quite bothers him.
The two make for good friends anyway and come across very well.
Your book has loads of humour to it. I think it tones down the sadness of AJ’s situation , well it did for me.
I read the first two chapters and the last one. It didn’t give anything away so I will have to wait to see how it ends. That shouldn’t be too long; it’ll be on bookshop shelves very soon.
Well starred and ready for shelving.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Loving the comments & feedback guys! Keep it coming & I might get to see Parabolic breaking the top 50 next week !

Have a great weekend,
Cheers,
Harry

Hi Harry, I thought I'd go and read Parabolic straight away and I really loved it. It reminded me of a documentary I saw last year about a 21 year old guy who had terminal cancer and decided to spend his last months doing all the things he had always wanted to do. It was a total blubfest - which Parabolic isn't. You've managed to take a very emotional subject and treat it in a very human, believable manner.

I loved both pitches and the prologue idea is excellent to set the scene. I felt the second chapter was a bit slow but after than it picked up again. I read the first 5 chapters all the way through and then just cherry picked from then on, only because of time constraints. Your voice is perfect for this style of writing. At first I was worried it was a bit too blokey but as I read on I changed my mind about that. In the later chapter, the amount of dialogue seems to drop off and this is something you might want to look at. just because it makes it more difficult to read when you are confronted with a wall of words.Maybe break it up a little? There are some minor grammatical errors but who doesn't have those and I personally think they are one of the hardest things to pick up. If you are doing a run for the Ed's desk it might be worth gettting someone to proof it for you but to be honest, I think the quality of your writing and your story would outweigh any negatives these might cause.

It's great 'dick lit'. Why don't you join the Chick Lit Crit thread in the forum so Neal Doran doesn't feel alone! And it would give you some great crits to support you in your run for the desk. Just a thought.

Really, really good job, Harry and I'm happy to put it on my shelf when I reshuffle. I try to do that once a week. Highly starred too. If you have a chance to have a look at my book, unashamed chick lit, I'd be grateful.

Very best of luck
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

This is great! I kept reading a lot longer than I meant to. Thenarrator's voice is very strong, egaging and consistent. The content is both dark and humorous, highly entertaining and yet laced with serious and accurate emotional realism.

I hit a patch in chapter two that needed a few minor edits:
-Bench even got to do some MCing at [?] one night
-gar[b?]age obsssed
-my job at [?] was keeping me
-Bench saying he had to head off and he ['d] come back
-let the pro's [pl, no '] take over

But so far, the book is just great. Shelved. I'll keep reading, even though it's not my usual type of book, just on the strength of its quality.