The Cold Case of Annie Franklin

Jesse,

The Cold Case of Annie Franklin is a rare case where the pitch is pretty good, but the book is much, much better. I wasn't sure from the pitch that I would like this, but I'm often attracted to hybrid genres. I'm not sure I've seen a supernatural chick-lit thriller before!

You have a fantastic ear for dialogue. The trailer-trash meth cookers and petty criminals sound believable, and so do the cops. Likewise, the actions and attitudes are in character. The police procedures sound accurate, and the gallows humor among the cops seems authentic. The swearing comes from the exact type of characters who would talk that way. (I think the people who are bothered by Annie's language have perhaps not been around teenage girls in the last couple of years.) Point of view is always clear and well detailed, whether it's Annie or Scott or Brian. The pacing is also excellent -- things are in motion right from the start, and while the action quickens, then moderates, it never sags.

Right away, you have a nice contrast between Annie and Scott. She's a poor kid who sees her only chance of getting out of poverty in crime, whereas he was a poor kid who was inspired to set his sights higher. He's a virtuous regular guy who remembers where he came from. This raises the possibility that he can help her find a way out of the weirdness she's gotten into. Also, impending fatherhood makes him that much more sympathetic, with something important to lose or live for.

I didn't find much to nitpick, so I'll pick on punctuation a little, which is the only fault I could find with your dialogue. When you break up a section of dialogue with a bit of action or a dialogue tag, consider whether the break comes in the middle of a sentence of dialogue, or at the end. If in the middle, a comma at the end of the break is usually correct, but if at the end, you want a period. Two examples:

"Check it out," he said. "The sucker's an antique."
"Damn! Are you serious?" He stabbed at the table with his cigarette. "Put that hand-cannon down!"

When characters refer to each other by name (or title) in dialogue, remember to set the name off with a comma:
"Fuck this shit, Mark!"
"Here, I think you'll want this, Detective."

In chapter one, I think the paragraph where Annie is first seeing the gun would be stronger if you moved the line "She felt an urge to pick it up" to the end. Everything before that indicates that she's a little afraid of it, so that line at the end would pack a wallop.

The four chapters I looked at already read like a finished manuscript. A little polish, and you'll really have a winner.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Read up to Chapter 5. So far so good ^_^. I am not into Murder mysteries normally and that's the feel I get right off the bat. It's got a good pace and I absolutely like you taking advantage of the cop angel to describe characters to the "T". The chase scene was great and like how he tried to ease his way up to the suspect.

I think you need to go through the first Chapter and clean the language up. (Yes that seems so lame and that's how you see the conversation) BUT I think this can be pitched much better and you can put more details about the character in there to help the connection with the reader to Annie. It would make the following chapters a bet more intense if we felt for her more from that first Chapter.

Take it or leave it ^_^ Just trying to be helpful. I will keep this on my watchlist and I have rated your book ^_~. Good luck and it has potential!

I just finished reading...WOW I felt like I was on a train, felt the emotion of Goodbye, and the sigh of freedom. Thank you for thinking this book into reality.

I find it interesting that you have made this book at a tempo that makes your adrenaline run. I am always wanting to read more...just one more page...then another. I am half way through this book and will read more of this tomorrow during the day.

This has got to be a movie. :-) Nice, fun, interesting, you paint well with words.

Jim

"The Cold Case of Annie Franklin" - Jesse Powell. I read the 1st 2 chapters and scanned several comments. I see the chic lit angle with suggestive dialog and powerful MC. Some thoughts: I'm confused about Annie's character - she seems to have multiple personalities which may be your intent; also Annie needs to have something good about her - she can't be all bad if the reader wants to bond with her and continue reading; suggest rather than use the note at the end of chapter 1, you use dialog - "...to cook?" "You mean barbeque?" "No, idiot, Methamphetamine." Hope this helps!

Gideon

hello jesse,
great storytelling... though i've just read 1st and 2nd chapter... i can sense a great scene until the end of it...
though I 'm allergic to guns, how you describe the scene of someone having a gun, i felt at ease....
nice one...
will read on..
sergev
the groom the bride and the wedding

You have excellent descriptions. I felt like I was in the room looking at the old gun and the wheels were turning in my own mind...what could I do with an untraceable gun? Hmmmm.....

Midway through the first chapter I became very confused about the main character. Her language was rough yet still thoughtful. There were also a couple of descriptions about her that were mixed. She described being whistled at on construction sites and becoming a preppy girl with a tennis instructor but then mentioned if she went to jail she would be the next "dyke on the block" which is a very masculine description. At the end of the chapter I was wondering if she was feminine, masculine, schooled or unschooled (because of her language). She didn't seem like a druggie but she was hinting at learning how to make meth?

I think you have a strong plot and a great writing talent. My only concern is your characters. If they aren't consistent you'll lose the readers or confuse them. Write a one sheet bio on each of them. You should know them as well as a best friend. As soon as you do your writing will be much more dynamic.

4 Stars and WL because of the great action scenes!

Chapter 1

"She was close now." I know you think it should be anonymous but you might want to change it to "woman" or "unknown girl" or something of that nature.

"he said" I'm not sure if this "he" is Jeremiah. You should put the name in.

Same with "it" in the next paragraph. I'm kind of confused what "it" is. First say what it is then you can use "it". Don't assume I can pick it up.

"If I robbed a bank I" fix small error. needs to be a comma.

"all goth and emo." I laughed at that one. Humor can do a lot. After this dialogue, I started enjoying reading about Mark and Annie. Now I want to read more.

"Fuck this shit Mark" put in comma

"Well Mark" comma. Might want to check for missing commas throughout the chapter.

For the author note: you might want to get rid of that and somehow explain it without explaining it when you use it. We don't want to be confused at first then get it later, especially in the first chapter when you want to make sure your reader understands everything the whole time. Unless done on purpose.

Overall, I want to read on because I want to see how Mark teaches Annie. Me wanted to read more is a great thing. If I don't, you have a problem. Great start. Just so you know, I rarely read pitches or summaries. I like to just go straight into the story without knowing a single thing.

I've added your book to my WL, I really liked your short pitch,,,then I read the long pitch, and I wanted to read MORE!!! I'll be back with comments and rating soon!!!
Alret
xxxxx

I have read the first three chapters and here is what I felt:
In all three the narrative flooooooooow. And you show a good command of language with lots of dialogue in the first chapter and long paragraphs in the third. I also like how the style changes slightly but not enough to lose coherence depending on who is the central character. Very good.
I know some people do not like swearing. I, for instance, don't think I'd like to meet a character like Brian. But I accept that some people do. Anyway, euphemisms are for the classics. I think you make good use of the swearing taking into account the characters that you are portraying.
I have to say that in the first chapter, with so much dialogue, I missed a few more brushes about who were the people I was reading, which is unusual, because I normally like when information is left out and later givena as puzzle pieces. But I guess this time was too little for me.
I felt the set up of the action was perfect, you really leave the reading hankering for knowing what has happened.
Also, I felt the descriptions very vivid, I could really see the places and smell them (which was not nice, since there were not very nice smells).
The plot does not have anything to do with it, but Annie reminded me of Winter Bones, a movie last year.
I am marking this book to continue reading later.
I hope these comments are of some use to you.

Ok couple of things:

Her eyes explored the rigid length (I know I have a dirty mind, but other people have to read that as dodgy too, right?)

"That's it!" Mark said, "You want to be like a gangster." (The comma after "said" should be a full stop, because his next piece of dialogue is a new sentence. Noticed you've done this quite a lot.)

Also, I have to say I'm not too keen on the last sentence of the first chapter with their "lusts flaring". I'd probably say something about lust driving all their fantasy plans out of their thoughts or something.

Amazing storytelling. Captures your imagination from the beginning. Annie struggles with her daily life and winds up becoming special. Ghostly characters take you on a journey. A new twist on the cat and mouse game.

Read the first couple and certainly intend to read more when I get the chance. Love the concept and love the pace. Smooth writing, too. I'm impressed by the fluid transition of dialogue and description. I know some have complained about the language. I don't see it as a problem, though I do think sometimes it gets overzealous. Sure, you want to paint character image, but there were a few times when I thought it got in the way of what the character was actually trying to say. Nothing major though.

Good stuff here. I'll read more when I can.

Phil

I've read two chapters won't read anymore. The writing is good. But you need to tone down the swearing. It sounds like it was written by a younger person. I don't think an older person, would swear in that slang way. Also I have a hard time trying to like a female charactor that swears that much. I would llike to know what made her so vulgar. Perhaps some background. I could see it if she grew up in some area of Hell's Kitchen or the Bronx. If her gunslinger ghost swore a lot than you need to let us know that and perhaps have her say things like, I don't know why I swore then, or I couldn't help myself. Maybe she thinks his ego is wrecking her life. Anyways its too much and takes away from the plot.
Thanks
Frank

The use of the odd well-positioned swear word can add to the climax of the drama. However, ill-fated use of profanities is simply vulgar. I think the volume of unpleasant language in this piece dangerously borders on the latter. Could not read on.

When I first read the description I thought to myself, "I can remember enjoying paranormal mystery dramas before," so I opened it up. The first intro about the cowboy intrigued me, so I kept reading. I didn't intend to spend my entire morning in front of the computer reading this story, but I'm addicted.

This took me along and promises to be an exciting book. The
main character is interesting and sympathetic,although I'm sorry for those who seem to have been blasted in chapter 2.Five stars(six always gets reduced)

First up my apologies for not getting round to reading this book for a while.
Reading the pitch it instantly got my attention, although it started a bit different to what i expected. The flow of conversation gives it an easy reading style and makes me want to continue, I've read some today that are blocks of descriptions one after another. I'm quite intrigued where the story is heading to next..
I've placed it on my watch list for the moment as I intend to read some more very soon.
All the best,
John (descending Souls)

Hello Jesse,
This is a great fast paced book with a definite new twist! I have read many "ghost" stories and none compare to this one! What a great story. I never knew what was coming next and it kept me turning the pages. Good job! When is the next book?! D

Hello Jesse,
Annie and company are not the sort of people I care to read about. I detest alcohol and despise people who wallow in their own muck. The pitch is enticing and I will read on for a while to see if it lives up to its promises. I hope you'll do the same for me.
Best wishes, Charles (Mach100)

I found the pitch somewhat intriguing, and it had me curious so I quickly clicked on further and began to read.
The first chapter was very well written, and easy to read. Your narrative was brilliant, and I loved the characters who I pitcured so well through your melodramatic and comical wit.
Your writing is faced-paced, and I soon found myself at the end of chapter one, and eager to read the next chapter. I have to admit the storyline was not quite what I expected, but it was very enjoyable. There was no mention of a spirit world - or did I miss something? If I did, maybe it wasn't mentioned quite enough.
Chapter two was a little different. I got a little lost to begin with, but maybe that was just me. You wrote the scene with skill and you kept a little of that humour - in a sick kind of way ( unless that's me with a sick sense of humour!)
Chapter two ended great - one of the best endings of a chapter I've read, and if I had more time at the moment I'd be reading more. But at the moment I'll just have to rate you with 6 stars for such an entertaining, well writain book. And youre backed!
Ruby Middleton 'Will Ryan'

Hi Jesse,
I enjoyed reading this. The style is polished, easy to read and involving. The characterisation is also good and I was soon sufficiently engaged with the plot to want to read on. I really like what you have done and hope this does well. Backed with pleasure. Good luck.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Consequences (2/3)

Hi Jesse,
Babs, recommended this to me, so I thought I'd have a read.
She is certainly right in saying what an accomplished writer you are. This is a fast paced, action from the get go, hard core characters, intriguing mystery. You've ticked all the boxes and I can see that those who love this genre getting caught up in your story.
I'm a bit more of the puppy dog and rainbow type, so its a little full on for me, but I did read to the end of chapter four, so you certainly caught my interest. I liked the line about the gnomes in comparison to the trailer park residents. Made me laugh.
All the best with this, I'm sure you will do well.
Cheers Jacoba

I don't know why this is taken me so long on a literary standpoint to disseminate and filter down. I didnt have a problem (aside from being difficult to watch) with "Natural Born Killers" or "Star Wars" or "Harry Potter" but this is more on an order of "Kill Bill" which is a fantastic genre of current placement yet supernatural, in some weird way that makes my brain refuse to embrace it with that "willing suspension of disbelief" we are taught in English lit and Theatre...in the old school way. It's not even believeable in an Orwellian sort of way and yet I question myself, If War of The Worlds was NOT ridiculous, but instead terrifying, why is this story not credible? In a world where "Medium" was a popular TV show, or even going back to David Lynch's "Twin Peaks"...is this so different? Because it ISN'T. It's just ME. So, again, having SOME time to myself, re reading it again, trying to outline it is still being a challenge. It's like going from listening to Elvis Presley all one's life to buying a David Bowie Album. Gack I'm trying! It's good, no doubt about that. ---Sis.

THE COLD CASE OF ANNIE FRANKLIN
Hullo Jesse, I have finished five chapters and I must complement you. Lots of action and excitement. Just goes to show you that sometimes old stuff should just be left alone. Did find a couple of things that you have missed. Ch.3 - 'we've got a triple homicide in a lab at Westmoore Trailer Park'. Shouldn't this read 'in the lab from Westmoore'? In Ch. 4 - German Shepherd is the correct spelling, easy to miss but I have two search and rescue GS's. Otherwise the flow is good and keeps the reader busy. Oh, one more thing. Shorten your paragraphs, white space is magic and will make it easier for others to read. great story, starred and I will follow yours to the top. Very good.
Please don't forget mine. LLL

Only read a little bit so far, but I like to comment as I read else I forget stuff. Just came across something which niggled slightly, nothing major.

Annie: "Nobody gives a shit!
Mark: "Don't say shit like that!"

Now (bear in mind I can be a bit mentally blonde) this sentence confused me. My first thought was that Mark had a problem with the way Annie had said "shit", if that makes sense? So maybe consider changing that word, just in case there's other people out there as easily confused as me.

Anyway, good writing so far. Like the first little bit with JD especially. Oh, and I agree with with the comment below; the short pitch could do with changing.

Annie Franklin - just looked thru the pitch . The short pitch is dull.
THe long pitch is very good, engagin, though it tails off towards the end.
'Journey full of' needs rephrasing, as does 'catches on to Annie's plight', and 'she catches on'. No doubt the two 'catches on' are deliberate, but for me, they don't work
CUT - 'wher the long dead are concerned' - I think we get that, and it breaks the flow.
CUT - 'wih her life' we get that too
Cut 'to be part of...forever' - I think its stronger just to leave the hook of a third world - also 'lives changed forever' is a cliche'd notion, esp. as regrds pitches on this site.
Hope this is more helpful than annoying
Best
Simon

This is a good intelligently plotted story, given great authenticity by the characters. Annie comes alive with each new sentence she utters and I'm looking forward to reading some more. Backed with pleasure, best of luck my friend.

Jack

Hi Jesse. I enjoyed chapter one. The part at the beginning about the ghost of the man who used to own the gun caught my attention. I can relate to Annie and I loved the "Calamity Annie and the trailer trash witches" comment. It made me laugh. I like the pace and feel of the book and the story is developing nicely. I will read more when I can. I think you've really got something here!

you use dialogue especially well, which help thestory move along. your narrative too, does the job it should...
backed...
read SEASONS...

I simply don't care if you use swear words but over doing it can affect the manuscript. Not a lot of people like reading such words any how do try to cut down on the 'shits'. Other wise I really enjoyed it.

Richard Todd

The Madness of Avlon Klynn

Tyranny of Talin

Read Chapter one. Although I'm sure it's realistic,too many 'shits'. Just like the people I hear talking on their mobile phones with all their ''f ings'. Good writing though.

Jesse,
Okay, just finished ch10 and this is one hell of a read. I really like the pulling in of all the different character's you seem to invest a lot in even those with bit parts, which certainly assists in bringing this to life. I like Scott, not only is he an honest cop, he's not stupid, works the crime scenes realistically, and it seems he might just be on Annie's side. The interaction between Mc Calister and Mrs Beck was great...Batcat the goat...funny and all the stuff re psychic/psionic was interesting (maybe you made it all up? but I was sold) Great chapter/scene shifts. End of ch8...eh Annie's hit? straight to ch9 and the crazy goat lady, leaving us high and dry, but entertained, and then ch10...of course she's not!...great stuff. The scene at the school was shocking, in fact as the killings progress, the pace cranks up and you match that superbly by revealing just a little more of Dempsey, both to us the reader, and to Annie. Annie's escape in the stolen bus was very visual and you leave ch10 with another cliffhanger...
It's an unusual premise, which works very well, Combining crime thriller with horror. The dialogue was spot on and there were very few technical errors.
I'm genuinely interested to see how this turns out, so I'll read on and comment further.
Best of luck with this Jesse. Happily backed and starred.

Babs

The Cold Case of Annie Franklin.
By Jesse Powell.



Quiet a remarkable read this…It’s so very well written with ample description.
I found the first chapter to be enough to hold the reader to it.
The dialogue is absolutely first class; it’s probably the best I’ve seen on here and there’s a lot of good stuff on authonomy, as we all know.
The voice of each character is very realistic; it’s as if the reader is actually there with them…watching the scene unfold.
Annie…brilliant, comes across as a below average gangster moll, wanting to make a name for herself before time passes her by. She’s captivated by the custom made forty-five caliber weapon that Mark has brought in…she’s drooling over it.
I think Mark’is a bit worried; he’s never seen her like this before…it’s all coming out now…her locked away feelings.
The book is a great thriller, a compulsive read as the pages are turned.
A mass killing at the ‘Westmoore Meadows Trailer Park’ keeps the action going…some more excellent description here as we come across the dead bodies... surprises too.
I’ve only read to ch.5 of 32, I think you’re editing so will get back to it.
Thrilled with your book…great stuff…loads of stars!!

Thank you for backing my book, Jesse, you’re a very good author, friend.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.