Birth of the Warrior

Paul,
"Birth of the Warrior" is as good as they get in the YA department. An ebullient Charlie so ready for excitement and adventure is also a sympathetic character one cannot help but cheer on. You utilize your descriptive reach to your advantage in your narrative and your dialogue flows effortlessly while doubling as commentary to keep your reader focused on the story as it moves at a fast clip. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean.

Before you read my work I just want to thank you for taking the time to peek into Charlie Kendrick's adventure. Any feed back is greatly appreciated. As well, I wanted to forewarn you that this is not a completely polished edition, and I am apologizing ahead of time for the embarrassing mistakes that may be within. Again thank you for you time and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

PJ Daley

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

Thanks a lot for the help Sam.
This is for sure not my polished draft and I haven't gone back to it in a few months so that I will be able to apply fresh thoughts to another revision. Your insight into the character development is very helpfu.l I would have to agree, now that you have pointed it out, that for the most part the story follows charlie from over the shoulder rather than through his eyes.
Filters and adverbs are one of the writing flops I have been working on in other pieces lately. And I know I would have to fix several of them in this story.
Again thank you for your criticism, it is very helpful.
Best Wishes,
PJ Daley

Hello, so sorry for the delay but work has just taken over and I can't really do swaps, but I owe you one for commenting on mine. As I always preface these things, what follows is but one opinion and you are free to discard/ obliterate/ incinerate my observations or frame them on the wall as you see fit.

PITCH: It's a little bland. The fact you repeat the title of the book is a little unnecessary. Also, describing Charlie as 'a normal young man'- surely we'd assume that? Why just emphasis how in this book his role is special (as opposed to not special)? The rest of it is also a tiny bit convoluted- could do with some clarification and streamlining.

CHAPTER ONE

Nice atmospheric opening, but you repeat 'night'. Rephrase the line perhaps?

Writing could use some tightening here. '...his body drowsy...'- don't need 'his body' as we know it's him. Some bits are also over-written for me: 'He sat up in bed his body drowsy from a rough night...' could easily be: 'He sat up, drowsy from a rough night, and sighed.' All the meaning, half the words.

Okay this 'surprise' from the brother...it's really muddled for me. I had to re-read the words and pick out what happened. For one thing, the paragraph is too big, so you lose what's going on. Second, you seem in such a rush to get the scene out it's all blurring together. Take your time a bit- break up the paragraph, build suspense so we're as shocked as Charlie is when he gets attacked.

Dialogue is a bit formal? 'Yes Mum I am fine'- why not 'Yeah Mum, I'm fine,'? Fits more with the age of the character. Of course if this is something special to Charlie then ignore me.

Okay the para '"See, we're all buddy-buddy...' has the word 'catch' in it three times. Take care not to repeat the same thing over and over. Charlie's fast- so why not refer to a previous situation where he did escape using his speed? Would make him come to life a little.

'and the swift pluck every grey hair...' this sentence made absolutely no sense to me. What are you trying to say?

It's nice how you start with a daily routine for Charlie to show us how 'normal' he is, but I think you need to work on his character some more. What is he thinking? You gave us a good 'just another normal day' at the start, but you need to keep it up. Does he have plans for the day? The backpack, too- does he not try to look at it because it reminds him of his father? Or is it his dream to one day go out and search for him? Charlie is certainly a dreamer but what kind of kid is he? Longing for adventure? Wants to keep to the day-to-day routine? Wishes he could stand up against his brother? Scared? Give me some more insight into his personality.

Okay the dream sequence is very 'tell' ish. It's a list of events which happened. If it's a dream, I imagine it was a very visual experience? Why not take us there? Perhaps: 'At first everything was dark, but as I opened my eyes the world lit up. Fierce energy raced through me and I jumped out of my room window into the clouds. The cold wisps whipped past my face as somehow I soared in the open air, heading for a massive stormcloud. It rolled and crackled, and I could taste the electricity as I crossed through it. At once a frenzy of blurred figure stood before me...' obviously I've spat my voice over it, but some sensations? Smell, taste, touch? Flying through the clouds- make it come to life!

'Charlie jumped with a start as he was yanked...' don't need the last part of this sentence as we can infer what happened.

"Yeah, you were just off...'- you over qualify the dialogue (poked Leo...he jeered). Don't need the second 'he jeered' as we know who's talking.

At risk of sounding like part of the 'show don't tell' brigade...I'm not getting much of a sense of Charlie's thoughts, motivations and behaviours. I'm not very close to the character. First you have him terrified at fighting with his stronger brother, and yet then he has no problem winding Leo up with an argument. Surely this would lead to more fights? It seems a little inconsistent. I mean if Charlie tries to hold back until he's provoked, which then leads to Leo fighting him, that would seem a little more realistic. If Charlie isn't scared and is just wishing someday he could stand up for himself, play that angle.

Also speaking about the dream...this is quite a personal thing to Charlie. Would he offer it up in front of Leo, when Leo could twist it and use it to taunt him with it later? I'd like a little more hesitation on Charlie's part. If he's as smart as you are claiming him to be, he might think before he speaks, unless he's angry. This is just the character vibe I'm picking up, so if I'm wrong, fair enough.

'I could feel...' often when describing a sense you can drop the 'felt/listened/hear/saw' verb and just get on and describe the sense. So 'The cool breeze played on my face, my arms tensed with strength I never knew I had...'. It tightens the writing and brings the reader closer to the character.

The dialogue between the boys is better- it's more natural and flows better. Try and keep it up!

Dialogue punctuation is a bit sloppy in places. "Can I have a glass Mum...' should end with a full stop and '(H)is mother start a new sentence as it's not the mother who is speaking. It threw me.

The intrusion of Charlie's mother's thought jarred me. Up til now you've been locked in Charlie's point of view, so this threw me. If you want to do omniscient point of view, that's fine, but you'll need it in earlier so it remains consistent. Otherwise, if you want to keep Charlie the star of the show, lines with other character's thoughts need to be removed. up to you which one you prefer.

The bit about weighing options...for what? You haven't told us what the choice is, or the significance of the study. And why get to this part now? It would have worked better if earlier you conveyed Charlie's mother's behaviour as off more strongly. The pacing isn't quite right for me- you seem eager to get the plot out before you've grounded interest in the characters, which is spoiling it a little for me. You may want to go back and re-think how events play out.

Ah you tread into info-dump territory towards the end. All necessary for the plot, perhaps, but it comes in such bulk it's a little hard to take it all in. Plus, it seems to come out because it has to, not because Charlie has found himself pushed into this situation. The dream at the start- is it the first he'd had, or a recurring one? If it's recurring, surely there should be more wonder from Charlie. It should consume his thoughts from the get go, and not just when he decides to ask his mother. Giving the dream more prominence in Charlie's thoughts I think might help show how we get from 'a normal day' to this 'everything changes' moment. The day to day stuff is fine, but it doesn't flow as well as it could.

So, the story is intriguing and the plot interesting, but your characters don't quite do it justice for me. I think you need to try and get us inside Charlie's head from the start, really show us what he's like as a person through his thoughts, feelings, behaviours and reactions. Give his opinion on things- like how Leo treats him, whether he likes boring days, wishes for adventure, etc. I found I wasn't really connecting with him, so it made the story less enjoyable. Writing-wise, it could do with some tightening, and more vivid imagery in places.

On the plus side, it generally flows well, the dialogue is natural (just that little trip at the start), and the ideas look to be quite refreshing and fun. You've got a lot to work with here- good luck.

Please remember this is just my opinion. You are free to disagree with some, any or all of it.

Best wishes

Sam241

Thank you for your comments!
This is the rough version and hasn't received a thorough edit yet. I am currently taking a break from this project so when I come back to edit it in a few weeks, I will be fresh. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind, baughmama. Thank you for the help. :)

I've just read your opening chapter. I notice a few things. For one, when someone is spoken to, there should be a comma before their name. Example: "Do not worry, Eveleen, I will keep him safe," he said. Secondly, the paragraph where Charlie is carefully thinking about what he's about to be told, "though" should be, "thought". No need to worry, though, we all have typos :D And last but not least, it was a very interesting opening and I enjoyed reading it. I think you've got a good story here. You've got good characterization and the promise of an increasingly interesting plot. Good imagery. It's sure to captivate your target audience. Highly rated! :)

Best of luck,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

P.M. Daley

Stead to read Birth of the Warrior:

You straight away with delivering in your pitch - you have a good opening of an e Charlie Kendrick’s thrilling dream.

“He shook his head to repress his emotions,” would have sound better for if it were, “He shook his head to refresh his emotions”


“… You see, the woman, she is a part of me, she is… apart of my soul let’s say, but we do not share the same body nor the same mind. She is entirely her own, just we share a soul and are connected through it. They aren’t a part of this world either, making it impossible for us to know that they are there until we are connected or our connection matures. Only people like us Charlie can see them or feel their touch. To anyone else their touch is like a gentle breeze or they don’t feel anything at all,” - shade of light on our spiritual life reminisce what lately has space scientists assert that out whole universe, only 4% is open to through our sense and, that 96% we have no knowledge about. Wow.

JULIUS B []Destined to Triumph]

Paul,
"Birth of the Warrior" is as good as they get in the YA department. An ebullient Charlie so ready for excitement and adventure is also a sympathetic character one cannot help but cheer on. You utilize your descriptive reach to your advantage in your narrative and your dialogue flows effortlessly while doubling as commentary to keep your reader focused on the story as it moves at a fast clip. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean.

Thank you all for the taking a peek!
Glad to know that it is a page turner for more than just myself. :)
PJ Daley

I have said it before and I shall say it again, you have a great story! What else can I say except I am glad you finally listened to me and put it up!!!!! I am sure you will find lots of wonderful people on this site that are going to really help you finish the polish on this MS so you can see it on a book shelf!

This is a fascinating book, well written and topped with an even pace. For the YA genre this makes for a great story with Charlie as the central character. I like the interaction between Charlie and Leo. Its authentic and draws the reader into thinking there may be more to Leo's horseplay than we first encounter. There is a lot of action here as the chapters progress. Its a page-turner for sure. All manuscripts need editing and fine tuning and all authors go through the painful process of refining POV structure, scenic descriptions, sentence structure and plot structure. We are certainly not the only ones! Great work! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

Hi,
Thought I'd have a quick read, so I read the first chapter.
One thing that I noticed straight away was your fluent writing style. You have a definite natural voice for this genre.
Charlie and his brother seemed authentic in their interactions. I like the fact his mother is linked to the fantasy world, and is his guide.
This should do well. Most work on here needs some polish, but ultimately the tone and story wins out and think this has great potential.
Good job,
Cheers Jacoba

As you probably well know there is plenty to look at in the first chapter regarding typos and general sentence structure. Other than that it's a great story! :)

Very good looking forward to more. Have always loved this style. Keep up the good work.

Before you read my work I just want to thank you for taking the time to peek into Charlie Kendrick's adventure. Any feed back is greatly appreciated. As well, I wanted to forewarn you that this is not a completely polished edition, and I am apologizing ahead of time for the embarrassing mistakes that may be within. Again thank you for you time and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

PJ Daley