Mythical Creature Crusader

Fantastic concept! I'm hooked and can't wait for the next chapters to come. I really like the character of Gemma, but I do feel that perhaps her age isn't quite right - she reads a bit older to me than fourteen. Also, Leo is a bit confusing - I am not sure if he is supposed to be 'the bad boy', what with him being stunning and in rehab, or if he is a bit of a hero, looking after Gemma. I think you need to spend more time developing him when we first meet him for him to make more sense, and for it to make more sense to the reader why he is seen as so attractive (he has just been in rehab!). Your writing style is really easy to read and grabbing, and I really like the way the story has developed so far. Hope to read more soon!

C2

What a heroic name - ‘Torch Vincent’.

Typo ‘saw a tall dark figure moving’ - ‘and saw a tall dark figure moving’

A really nice clash of lifestyles at the funeral, telling us a lot about Gemma, her fixation with fashion even at a moment like this and her prejudices, at this point. The nature trail is a brilliant way to deepen her character and introduce River and Kira.

Might want to just keep an eye out for repetition. Tree’s come up in neighbouring sentences, hard to avoid in a forest scene I know but there are a few other words that crop up. Maybe just a pet peeve of mine.

Crikey this chapter hums along. Really funny in places. Liked the sting at the end, brilliant

Loved this chapter. Much more confident.

I really like the concept for this story and the opening chapter introduces key players in a neat way. I'm being told things but in a smooth narrative that works well. The line "heaven in three jars and a six foot hottie" is excellent and says everything about Gemma at this stage in the story. The light start and the dark ending make for a great launch as well. Ben is about the only character we know nothing about. Cracking on to the next chapter asap

Just a few minor negatives.
1. Words get repeated quite a bit, quite close together. Silver trees and Atrium for example. Just jarred for me a little. Try reading your work aloud. I might seem dumb but it's really useful for this sort of thing.
2. This is going to sound odd but can you mention rain toward the end.
3. I have no problem with any level of swearing but given who you're pitching this for some publishers might baulk at even the mild allusions to it in this chapter. Probably not an issue for an 8+ reader.

Well, I'm definately hooked and wanting to read more :) Your story has several things that appeal to me. First, I love animals and especially mythical ones. I use to sell Avon, so I get the makeup thing. And I always hoped to become a journalist when I was younger. It's well written. You've got some good characterization going on. Your characters are easy to relate to/comiserate with and they've got their own personalities. You feel the shock and saddness when she finds out her dad died. Good imagery. Good dialogue. Consistant POV and verb tense. I didn't find too many spelling/gramatical errors. It's got good humor and the promise of adventure. I like the forshadowing at the end with the birds. A few things I did find:

1. "Are you saying young journalists are more in need then animals in distress?..."
'then' should be 'than'
I found another instance where then was used in the place of than later on,
"More then amazing, it's a miracle!"
2. I looked down at my laptop to type the butterfly wings quote into my blog then realised my screen was frozen.
A comma should be after the word 'blog'
3. He shot the audience a lopsided grim, his blond hair falling in his eyes.
Should read: He shot the audience a lop-sided grin, his blonde hair falling in his eyes.
I'm not a fan of the phrase "Oh my God" but that's just me, I know tons of people that use it. I don't see it having an ill affect on your story.
I love your story so far and I can't wait to read more! I will get back to it asap. I hope I've been of some help to you. Take what you want and throw out the rest. I wish you the best of luck!

Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I'm in love with this.. The dialogue is awesome, the characters are sleek and witty, and the story is unique and engaging! I want more and I want it now!!! Let me know when you add to this. ^-^

Backed. :D

~Topher, Chasing Evelynn

Right up front, my favorite aspect of this is the voice (i.e. "Jesus, Mary and all things holy, we're late!" and their checklist as they race toward the building. "It was like all my Christmases had come at once!" I also loved Jess' reaction as they're about to take off her make-up. Hilarious, yet so true). You've done a great job of capturing the characters of two modern teens. In fact, I think I had these girls in one of my classes last year. Even at the funeral, you still manage to sprinkle in some excellent uses of voice (i.e. "...wishing I'd brought antiseptic wipes). Gemma might be the most unique teenage character I've read about.

The setting is original and interesting. While the opening isn't breathtaking or wildly fast-paced, you very subtly grab your readers attention by presenting several small yet interesting conflicts that teens will be able to relate to (running late, volunteering and being the center of attention, Misty's good-looking son, Gemma's mom showing up and revealing some heavy news etc). Your writing is tightly constructed, allowing you to introduce numerous conflicts with very few words. I'm jealous.

I love that you worked blogging into this. It's a great way to create an instant connection with this generation of kids. It's one area I've struggled with in my own writing. Heck, my main character doesn't even have a cell phone! Nicely done.

I love how you've established the plot. After the first chapter, I'm very excited to see how Gemma, a self-absorbed teenage girl, handles the situation. Ultimately, after reading chapter 2, you do a good job balancing her grief (which is relatively small considering her detachment from her father--I hope she learns more about him throughout the book as a sub-plot) and her own ego. This almost feels like a more realistically modern version of Fablehaven.

The bickering between Kira and Gemma is well-done, and the revelation that they're sisters is perfect. It's something to look forward to as the novel progresses.

Suggestions: In the paragraph that starts, "She smashed straight..." I'd reword to avoid the double usage of "straight." Can you make it a little more clear how big the room is that Misty Lane is presenting in? I had the impression it was huge, but Misty wouldn't have been able to hear the two girls talking. Maybe just a tad more establishment of the setting? At times, Gemma sounds a little older than fourteen. I struggle with this too, but you might look for ways to make her sound a little younger. In my opinion, the title doesn't do this justice. If I'd just read the title, I wouldn't have had much interest in reading the book, which would be a shame because I love it so far!

Minor typos: In the third paragraph it should be "than heaven" instead of "then heaven." Same issue in the sentence, "Are you saying young..." "Far-from-small" should be hyphenated since it is three words serving as one adjective. Other than that, this is really well edited.

I love this! This is one of the most polished, well-structured stories I've come across on authonomy. I could easily see this one published, and I want a copy when it is. I wish you the best!

I like the idea of your book very much. 'Misty Lane' sounds like one of those porn-star names people come up with when asked to add the name of their first pet to that of their mother's maiden name; and I was struck by the coincidence of your MC attending an event hosted by who I believe will turn out to be the Cruella De Vil-type character (which may in fact be a compliment, because your novel reminds me of the kind of films I loved when I was a kid, but am hyper-critical of now).
However, this is a YA fantasy novel, and what matters is the strength of the story and the themes being addressed for the benefit of a younger audience.

Has the topic of where beauty products come from been done to death? Maybe, although it's an issue I'm sure many people will be glad to see continually scrutinised. Also, we all know how important it is for every generation to be made aware of what is real and what is superficial; it's what the fantasy genre exists for - so you get full marks on that score.

There's a real spirit to your prose, your MC comes across as likeable and fun, and I feel confident in your ability to guide me through an entertaining story.

I likey. Good luck.