Foul Player

Sue
A flawless diamond.
It does not take long to realise that this is an excellent read. I love the medical jargon - straight out of ER. Dialogue, scene-setting, characterisation, it's all there. I already like the main character Jillian Sanders after a few paragraphs. You are a natural storyteller. Unlike 90% of the pitches on Authonomy, you give us Jillian's full name straight out, rather than just "Jillian". This alone marks you as a professional. Shelved. I will read more as I am enjoying this. I would buy it in a heartbeat.
Frank

There is a ton of action in this. The pace is lightening quick. You have a great boatload of characters that you have created very dynamically. Great job.
It starts off with a bang, right in the center of action.
Backed
T.L tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This is something right up my alley, just like my thriller. This is publisher ready so I SHELVED it!

I can use your comments on my thriller when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You have a great story here, it moves fast with vivid description, clean and polished writing, that is sure to keep the reader enthralled in its pages. I am constantly amazed at the quality of writing on this site. Best of luck.

This reads like a TV drama - the kind they stretch over three nights. It's utterly compelling. You write with such energy and conviction, and you story is so clever - full of unexpected twists and turns. What's particularly intriguing is that you keep the reader guessing, so the hooks are strong and frequent. I think this book will do well. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Wow, this is really good! It looks like you submitted it quite some time ago and then recently updated. You have been working on this for a long time? It really shows. It's very polished and just nearly flawless. The pace is just right, even the chapter lengths are perfect. Every single aspect -- character, dialogue, description, action -- is right on the money. A six-star read, going on my shelf now!

Your book is on my WL now. Will give comments after finishing the read.

Sue,
"Foul Player" intrigued me, peering at a mystery killing through the POV of a medical doctor. I sympathized with Jillian who had a vested interest in solving the murder on three levels. Namely, she was the victim's friend, her brother the victim's ex-fiancee, and she was nursing feelings of guilt over having been privy to the victim's confession of something bad about to happen and doing nothing about it. Your straightforward prose and short chapters moved your story at a brisk pace, and kept it taut to the very end. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

- Foul Player -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I was very impressed with what I read here. The narrative is compact, tight and powerful and the plot moves along at some pace, while still building things up and adding mystery. You can also tell that the author has done her research, particularly with the medical aspects, but the research doesn't weigh too heavily on the narrative.

I thought the first chapter was particularly excellent. I reached for my notepad and scribbled down 'great opening line' but soon amended that to 'paragraph'. We are dropped right into the story and the narrative voice in an incredibly convincing and engaging manner.

I only had two nitpicks with chapter one:
-We are told that the operator 'bellows' 'hit and run....driver...' but the way it's written, with these full stops, makes it read more as of the speaker id out of breath. I'd suggest just putting one word after the other, or possibly a new line for each word.
-'Dear God, why?' sounds a bit cliched. Perhaps it would be better to rephrase it with something else.

Chapter two really thickens the mystery, taking us into who Kara was and what the main chracter's relationship with her was. Some very good plotting.

In the second chapter, the only thing I wondered about was the amount of question sentences. There do seem to be quite a lot of them and, for me, it had an effect of pulling me out of the narrative a bit.

No nitpicks for chapter three. Here in particular the medical research comes through and I liked the way the narrator's voice became clinical and analytical with it. The ending is excellent too.

This is a very good crime thriller and a ripping yarn as far as I can see excellent plotting and pacing, with almost James Ptterson like short chapters, and and intriguing mystery.

All the best with it,

Ross

Reminiscent of Kaye Scarpetta! Outstanding! Like the pace and the plot. This is something I would buy.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Last Degree

Sue,

This is really, really good. It reminds me a bit of Sue Grafton - and that's high praise from me. You have a relatable narrator/heroine who has an interesting career and seems very engaging. throw in a mystery right away, and you have all the ingredients of a great story. I'm hooked.

I've given you a rare six stars, and watch listed for now. Really well done!

All best,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker

you use dialogue to the full here, helping your book on its way...
l shall place this on my watchlist...
read SEASONS..

Hi Sue,
I thought the opening lines were brilliant -- both ends of life in a single sentence.
The chapter reads well. I wondered about the line, 'I knew it just as sure as i knew anything', when Jillian later admits to her comrade that Kara has a twin, so she will have to check in case the dead jogger is in fact Sara. The two sentences seemed a little at odds, but easily fixed.
I hope this does well and I'd have been hooked and still reading if this were a printed book.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Sue, This is a POV that is fascinating to follow. Jillian is very convincing in the emergency room and her investigative or diagnosing nature there, with the lack of sleep, doesn’t turn off with Kara. The dialogue fell into place too. The family issues coming forward prod the mystery. Liked the feeling of realism here and the probing pace. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

FOUL PLAYER

Gripping start and written professionally. You connect really well with the reader. Awesome!

Happy to support this.

This reads to me like a very polished and you've got an intense pace that grabs the reader from the very beginning. I like medical thrillers and this one does not disappoint. The characters feel real and I cared about their story. This is a heck of a ride and I'm so glad I took the time to read a few chapters today!

Missy

Only just past the opening and this is one brilliant thriller!!!
Immense characterisation, immense descriptive narrative and while I’ve only read up to where Frankie is talking about mum and her expecting the old man to show up, I sense there is an immense storyline. – Good luck!

Dear Sue, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quotes: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy

FOUL PLAYER
This is a good story. Jillian is a good main character; we like her from the start because she’s feisty enough to insist on getting involved in Kara’s murder. Having a detective as an old boyfriend makes a good complication for all of this. And makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Good action and insight into characters. Some sections suggest a bit of editing is needed but a good read
Lara
Good For Him

Dear Sue, I love the intrigue of your story & the danger you weave around your heroine - the suspense is beyond measure - & I love detective stories & read Nancy Drew series as a teenager. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Gripping narrative from the very beginning. The writing bears it out nicely. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

THis is good - and thanks for your backing
Its nice clear writing but could be tighter,
I suggeest -
CUT - known around the hospital as Horp - work it in later dialogue - it slows us down
CUT - a few minutes later
CUT - right around then
these things arent needed, they slow the story - we get it, give the reader some credit - trust the telepathy, etc

Sort this sort of thing and I think its nearly there
also 'hardly optimal...' tells us about her liking understatement - but I´d prefer something like 'The baby hasd bno chance, they had to fight to save the mother' - ok, not exactlty., but ou get what I mean - say it simply and clearly ansd set up the scene
Hope this helps
Simon

Hooked from the begining, great work. Backed with pleasure. E.Loraine Royal Blood chronidles book one

Sue -

You obviously know your subject, and know it well. But unlike most writers of medical thrillers, yours are actually thrilling to read. Love the way you established the tension and drama in the first sentence, and refused to let go of my jugular.

Damn good writing and backed, happily.

Best of luck here.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Never a false note. I'll be backing this as soon as I have a free space on my bookshelf. All the best with it.

Great use of mirror twin phenomenon and the complication of Johnny's sense that Kara's twin Sara might be more interested in him than he'd realized. Responsible use of medical mileau, and you steered clear of making the detective Mike a flat character, or a stereotype -- except for the big breakfast! (Made me hungry). Good luck with this project. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Foul Player:

Sue,

At the point where Sanders 'pinned her back against the wall' to listen to the crash team, I concluded that I was in the hands of a writer who knew how to observe emotion and reaction finely and this, combined with the very realistic dialogue, carried me through your first chapter feeling a participant with the characters in a powerful drama.

The interweaving, where appropriate, of medical detail with such obvious knowledge and authority, gave overwhelming plausibility to the unfolding drama; right up to the discovery of the body of her brother's former fiancee. With this twist I was hooked and excited at the challenge that was going to lay before Jillian.
Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Dear Sue Parker,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The implications of tension in your short pitch are astounding: Did her brother murder his fiancé? Or did someone wrong him? The first paragraph starts with just as strong a tension. I skipped to chapter seven to cover less-traveled ground and was rewarded by the color-coded rooms of the “Water-Babies” unit. Does the lighting really change color? That’s fascinating. I’m impressed both by the visuals of the hospital as well the realistic portrayal of a doctor, who has to fill her spare seconds reading journals. She shares her wishes her brother would turn his life around, and I find his black-belt sinister, as I still suspect him. Her past divorce builds sympathy for her. Oof! She loses a piece of evidence to her answering machine, great complication. The misfire romance between her and the detectives adds extra charge to the story. However, then I wonder why he was assigned to this case when he potentially has objectivity issues. I liked “new meaning to plainsclothesman”.

It’s rather common to blame the victim, and the brother appears to be both the victim and suspicious in this case. Since he looks suspicious, I hope he isn’t the real killer. Oh, and in your long pitch, I don’t believe I need to know she’s “40’sh” or the “But will she?”

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

if you were to go on the thread "is your opening chapter good?" you'd have to say yes without hesitation.

you hooked me from the very first sentence and I kept on reading your well written story.
Good luck
Tamara

I read the first few chapters and enjoyed it. The descriptions at the hospital were very real. I can just imagine how shocked she was and her telling the truth to the cops about her brother’s connection to Kara was realistic and well written. I am not a huge fan of detective stories but I know many others are and I am sure this will do well. I will back it with pleasure and wish you luck with it.

Tony
Life bringer

Your very dramatic opening scene hooked me. I love the end of scene twist/hook. Your narrative flows lush without excess. Your deep, deep point of view is masterfully executed. Wonderful characters. Clever story. Backed.

One mystery writer to another - I'll say that I really liked this one. I'm jealous of your main character and how approachable they seem. Nice opening (except for the quote at the top of chapter 1, which seemed to add no value in my opinion). I went on to read a couple other random chapters just to ensure myself that the writing was consistent - it was. On my shelf for a bit.

This is a smooth, polished, professional book with a very interesting plot. The mystery of what caused Kara's death is with us right from the start, and is all set to develop into a gripping story. Your main character, Jillian Sanders, is great, full of guts and ready to deal with whatever comes along. I'm not sure why she reminds me of Kinsey Millone, maybe just because of the setting, and the mention of Santa Barbara, but in fact she's very much an individual, a doctor, with family problems. She's also someone easy to get to know, and to like. This is very much my kind of book, and your writing style, clean and easy, is an added bonus. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Sue, I can't help wondering why this isn't higher in the charts. I spent most of the read on the edge of my seat.

Just what I want from a book.

Great work.

Melxx
(UNICORN)

Sue,
An excellent example of first person POV. I got to know and like the MC right from the start.
The dialogue seemed real and the situations suited the scenes.
I am not a huge fan of crime fiction but I found myself wanting to find out what where this was going.

A few suggestions: they are just my opinion.

I would have like ch1 to end with “No problem.”
If the information below it is essential to the story maybe it could be inserted as a flashback or some other way. (Just my opinion.)
How long has the brother and Kara split up? That is something the police surely would have asked.

In ch2 the cops and donuts thing although a common joke doesn’t work for me in this paragraph, unless the cops were eating donuts at the nurses station.

Ch3
…complete bed rest. [With any luck] the precious little bundle… (even with all precautions if baby decides to come, he will)
There was never much traffic at West Beach [early] in the early morning.
Watch for overuse of phrases like ‘to my way of thinking and ‘in my book’

Shelved,
MickR - The Nightcrawler

Great story so far. I can't imagine what it would be like to see someone you know come in the hospital and die. I think you did that well. I'm a twin so I'm intrigued to find out how that will work into your story. This is well written and you lead us on a mysterious trail to figure out why she is dead. Good job and good luck with this.

SD Gillen

Hi Sue. Excellent first line. Starts out with a very professional feel. Just read three chapters but was impressed - nice smooth style. Nicely done. I like the pitch, promises a good plot also. I didn't get far enough into it to see how it was working out but your writing will certainly carry it. I think it deserves time on my shelf. Backed, and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

A cliffhanger of a pitch! Wow!
(Personally though, I think you could lose the last line; it would be more powerful.

A very observant style of writing and some wonderful, flowing dialogue. It all reads so easily with no stumbling along the way – a joy to read. The first chapter is as hard-hitting as it gets. I read four chapters and could easily see myself happily immersed in more.

Good luck with it,
Tony
(‘If Only I Could Talk’)

Sue,
I read the first two chapters and from what I have read so far I believe this to be an excellent piece of work. You grabbed my attention immediately. As I was reading I felt like I was standing in the middle of the emergency room with the protagonist of the story. I would love to see the finished product to see that your ending is as strong as your beginning. Backed with pleasure. Lisa

Dramatic! My heart was racing too. You weave a wonderful web, and create intensity. Very good characterisation....
All the elements of your writing seems to come together in a vibrant style.

BACKED

I like the detail ofo the birthmark identifying Kara quickly as she is a mirror twin, it neatly solved the problem of identity without slowing the plot. I'd suggest rewriting the first sentence - I see the previous reviewer has also mentioned this. It would be better if it didn't have any mention of 'everybody else' getting coffee, this is what weakens it, I think. The fact that she's at the end of a long shift and tired doesn't gel with the mention of others having coffee - make it about her, not everybody else.
Backed.

This reads like a TV drama - the kind they stretch over three nights. It's utterly compelling. You write with such energy and conviction, and you story is so clever - full of unexpected twists and turns. What's particularly intriguing is that you keep the reader guessing, so the hooks are strong and frequent. I think this book will do well. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

You have a great story here, it moves fast with vivid description, clean and polished writing, that is sure to keep the reader enthralled in its pages. I am constantly amazed at the quality of writing on this site. Best of luck.

This is something right up my alley, just like my thriller. This is publisher ready so I SHELVED it!

I can use your comments on my thriller when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

There is a ton of action in this. The pace is lightening quick. You have a great boatload of characters that you have created very dynamically. Great job.
It starts off with a bang, right in the center of action.
Backed
T.L tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I loved the opening chapter and decided to flick through the others, 31 caught my eye. Superb description of the kidnapping. There's a pace to your writing that some novelists lack. I reckon I could devour your book in one sitting, oh and that's a compliment by the way. Top notch writing.

Backed with pleasure,

Bob (Auctoratus)

Hi Sue,
I read straight through to the end of chapter 7, which is unusual for me - shelved.

Lots of action, great dramatic opening scene and an interesting bunch of characters. Loved it.
The only thing that annoyed me was the way Jillian kept putting off calling Mike. This is not a fault as its one of the things that drove me to read forward. She's not very bright for a doctor is she? :-)

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Now up to17 and you still have my attention. Great stuff. Anne.

Have now read to chap 9 and still enjoying it.Loved the description of the baby "precious little bundle of undercooked dough........". Great addition of the cat to personalize Jillian's home.You have effortlessly crammed in so much information about Jillian's family relationships and also given us a picture of how her mind works. Then to top it all we have the murder. I will be back. Regards Anne "Tyson's Tale."

Have been searching for something new. Have found your book which creates a sense of mystery from the beginning. You are on my W.L. until I can find some quality time . Regards Anne "Tyson's Tale"

Excellent. Exactly the sort of the book I would buy and read.
The short punchy chapters work really well.
I can't add anything that anyone hasn't already said.
But great stuff. It deserves to be a big success.

Instantly I can tell that this is going to be a good'un, and you fail to disappoint. Your writing has a very polished and professional feel, latching into the reader from the very first sentence and refusing to let go. In a market so over saturated with crime fiction, it will be difficult to shine brighter than the rest, but this certainly has a fair chance of doing so. I love the cover too, very professional.

Andrew

Read the first two chapters so far and I love the lenght and pacing. Your MC's POV makes us feel her tension as the mystery increases. Even though we haven't met any of the suspects, I'm looking forward to meeting them. The twin, Johnny, etc. - I want her to find out what's going on and not mind her own business. You've got me interested - I could easily get lost in this story for hours. Shelved.

Hello, some thoughts on chapter one: short and sweet, you get into the teeth of the story very quickly, something a great deal of writers fail to do in thrillers. I think it's key; we get a fixed image of our narrator. In terms of drama, you handle a lot of detail very well in a short space of time. It's a nice juxtaposition to have, the doctor reassuring the lass that her baby is alright, while in the next cubicle of the ER there's a very personal and tragic issue being examined. Excellent start. One point, and I know it's obvious and pedantic but I probably won't be alone in mentioning it; it may be an idea to say "before the country" or "before anyone" had a cup of coffee, not "the world". I know you don't mean it literally but it jars a little, reading this from the other side of the world! Anyway, all the best with this, glad to read and shelve

Pat Black
Snarl