Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Catalaysia: The Curse of Five.
By Auna June.


You get right into the story from the very start of chapter one.
I was taken aback unexpectedly as I realised that Lepra was in an animal form.
Sometimes this is a good thing...It saves a slow build up which can be off-putting for the reader.
The way you have done it really gets the reader’s attention straight away ...I like it.
‘Another year older and I am still waiting for an adventure.’ This characterises Lepra as a go- getter and we are in for an interesting read in my opinion.
The fantasy element of the story is excellent, the appearance of Thoro, a cougar, also able to change to human form. And the mystery of the chest with ‘Zielina’ and the power it exhibits
The book is full of suspense, unexpected twists and turns keep it flowing.
I’ve only read chapter one, but this is some book! Well suited to the Y/A, and above I would say.
You have a very good small pitch but I think the book cover could say more.
You’ve written an exciting book...It needs an exciting cover...just an opinion.
All in all, an enjoyable read that I will come back to.
Highly starred for now! Well done, Auna.

Kind regards,

Neville Kent. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

So far I have read five chapters. I like what I"ve gotten into and I will have to be back for more. I really like the idea that Lepra is a lion shifter. You do a good job switching between the "cat-like" descriptions and the human ones. I also like the idea that even her own father the King is afraid of the power she has or what may become of her in this prophecy. I do feel that I was thrown a bit in the middle of Lepra's life. I dont' really get much of a backstory of who she is and I feel myself unable to believe if she will make her own destiny since I dont' have much to go by in the department of her individual make-up. By chapter 4 and 5 I feel like I'm connecting a bit more with her. I'm starting to see her independence and cunning side. I'm also getting super intrigued with the five swords. This is something new that I've never read before. Nice. But I'm also wondering at this point what kind of kingdom this is...who is Thoro as her friend and what role does royalty carry in this world? Does this make any sense? I do, however, feel absolutely compelled to keep reading and see how you answer all these questions so this is not necessarily a critique. I think you do a fabulous moving the dialogue along and I'm certainly intrigued by the plot.

Sara

Found a little more time to do another review. This one is for: Auna June's Catalaysia: The Curse of Five
Date: 01.09.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1
This is one lovely story so far. You really paint the perfect picture and allows the characters to jump out of the text and come to life with her descriptions without carrying on anything and leaving the reader in a jumble of too many words.

The first chapter ends with many questions unanswered, really good way to end it-in my opinion.

I only noticed one mistake with 'Making him see grim'. I believe you have forgotten the m in 'seem'? Apart from that everything look fantastic. Nothing else that needs edited or anything like that.

I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk. This manuscript really deserves it. Your creativity is beyond this world.

6/6. W/L.

~ Elizabeth.

This book reminds me of one of my favorite books that I read as a child: Alanna by Tamora Pierce. Not because of the story (though that is a part of it) but because of the writing. I very much enjoyed this. One thing I did find confusing was that in the beginning you speak of Lepra "padding" around her room - and I am uncertain if she is human or animal. Then I kept reading, and again, I was still unsure. Perhaps this is on purpose, and you mean it to be unclear? But either way I was completely wrapped up in your world and this seems like a very original story and plot. The writing is solid and very good for its genre. I read through chapter four because I was entranced!

Thanks so much for a great read. I'm sorry it took me a while to return the read.

All the best, highly starred and I wish you much luck with this!

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Catalaysia: The Curse of Five
Hi Auna,
I’ve just read your first chapter – I’ll try and read more soon – but on the basis of what I have seen so far you have a very promising book. You have great imagination combined with the writing skill to make the world you have created come alive in your readers’ minds. Fresh and fluent writing, well-paced and an intriguing character in Lepra.
Well done!
Kat xx

This is so very different from the very beginning.
It has such a twist as it starts. It was nothing that I expected.
This is very original and well written. It is interesting because it has a new voice to it.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Keep up the good work! You have a great start to this epic novel series. I like not knowing everything all at once, it keeps my attention and it doesn't feel like every book I have read. It will be interesting to see where this goes, but don't stop, you have done an excellent job introducing this into the fantasy world.

Good luck!

The concept gets me right from the start, a strong beginning. Interesting aspect to have the animal form and the change, although I feel i need a little bot more of an explanation - where am I? - what are the characters in the story etc...

I like that you have a couple of cliffhangers at the end of each chapter as well, as it keeps us guessing :-)

Enjoyable read, highly stared :-)

Hi, Auna June–this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. When you read mine, we were in a crit group together…but no longer. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

Pleasantries out of the way first: which small town? I live in Bellevue. Not really a small town, tho. I went to HS in Spokane which you probably already guessed when you read “Forgiveness Fits.”

I like the way you open with Lepra gazing out at the kingdom. I would like to know some of her thoughts on the occasion of her birthday. She later tells us that she loathes her birthday. This would be a good time to find that out. I think we need more than a simple wish for adventure, which is pretty universal among those turning 17. She could at least wish for the horse.

I think I would like to hear more of a conversation between father and daughter to help anchor me in their world and to make me care about their fates and understand their points of view.

I’m a little confused when a man materializes on her balcony—she’s seventeen—and her very powerful father has no reaction. It’s also puzzling to me that she doesn’t introduce her visitor to her father. And even more puzzling when the ‘man’ turns out to be the ‘stable boy.’ A parent wouldn’t say “If I may ask…” to find out who was visiting his own palace on the occasion of his daughter’s 17th birthday. And an adult would invite the guest inside.

I got lost completely as I worked my way through chapter 2. I do not read much fantasy so I’m sure much of my confusion is simply lack of knowledge. But many things seem to occur here that are immediately undone. This strikes me as a confusing opener to the story. The King’s inability to ‘help’ Lepra continues to puzzle me. He brought in the trunk, so he surely suspects that she has these abilities. Yet he’s either surprised or immobilized when she experiences them. And I see few signs that she treats him as a father figure or as her King. I see the mirror requested and brought in, but I don’t see her look into it. I realize Lepra is confused by what is happening to her, and you want us to feel that confusion, but mostly I feel muddled. I doubt that’s very helpful feedback, though.

Your writing is technically quite clean and proficient. It’s a pleasure to read a MS with so few errors or typos.

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Catalaysia: The Curse of Five.
By Auna June.


You get right into the story from the very start of chapter one.
I was taken aback unexpectedly as I realised that Lepra was in an animal form.
Sometimes this is a good thing...It saves a slow build up which can be off-putting for the reader.
The way you have done it really gets the reader’s attention straight away ...I like it.
‘Another year older and I am still waiting for an adventure.’ This characterises Lepra as a go- getter and we are in for an interesting read in my opinion.
The fantasy element of the story is excellent, the appearance of Thoro, a cougar, also able to change to human form. And the mystery of the chest with ‘Zielina’ and the power it exhibits
The book is full of suspense, unexpected twists and turns keep it flowing.
I’ve only read chapter one, but this is some book! Well suited to the Y/A, and above I would say.
You have a very good small pitch but I think the book cover could say more.
You’ve written an exciting book...It needs an exciting cover...just an opinion.
All in all, an enjoyable read that I will come back to.
Highly starred for now! Well done, Auna.

Kind regards,

Neville Kent. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I’m not a big fan of fantasy or teen fiction, Auna but I can see how this might appeal to your target readers. The prose is simple and direct, the dialogue clear and the plot well-conceived and multi-layered with plenty of scope for escapist adventure, intrigue and romance.

I do think it needs quite a bit of work, though. There’s a flatness to the narrative which doesn’t really involve me as a reader. There are lots of fantastical things going on (shape-shifting, magical kingdoms, mystical languages, sinister powers) but the tone of the novel really doesn’t live up to the supernatural subject matter. It also feels a bit long-winded in places with many of the action scenes and conversational exchanges feeling slightly purposeless. I think, if you concentrate on tightening up the prose and dialogue, you may well find the energy and spark that, for me, is unfortunately lacking at the moment.

Sorry to sound so negative, Auna. I do think you have the basis for a good fantastical adventure here but, at the moment, the style of the storytelling rather undermines the appealingly fantastical premise. Thanks and best of luck. A



I made some notes on the opening chapter as I went along. Feel free to ignore:

Slightly confusing opening line. I assumed Lepra and ‘the princess’ were two different people/beings. Maybe rephrase??

Who’s ‘the girl’? If you’re still referring to Lepra, I think you need to rephrase. The POV is all wrong.

Specks not specs.

‘Gray mane’ – is her father in human or animal form? I assumed human but the ref to mane causes confusion??

Why is coronation italicised?

‘he didn’t notice. His attention was.. etc’ – as we’re in Lepra’s POV here, this rather grates??

‘eyes stared holes’ – not sure about this??

I think you need to show that Zielina is in Trion when Lepra first sees the chest. The king’s surprise at her being able to pronounce the word doesn’t make sense otherwise??

‘father mimicked the motion’ – reads like her father is mimicking Lepra sitting down??

‘and hid [not hide] a laugh…’

Some of the dialogue (eg ‘Thanks…’ ‘I’d better be off’ ‘Not a problem’ ‘loud and clear’ ‘false alarm’ etc) feels far too modern/ colloquial for the rather grand, regal setting and the fantastical, period feel of the novel??

The shifts in POV feel rather abrupt?? Maybe pick one (either Lepra’s or an omniscient POV) and stick with it??

There are quite a few references to ‘energy’. It feels like a slightly lazy shorthand for what Lepra is really experiencing?? Maybe try and be more specific/original??

Repetition of ‘scared’ in successive sentences.

There are quite a few references to cool breezes/cool night air etc. Becomes rather noticeable after a while??

Hi there,

I am so sorry it's taken so long to get to your book. But I have read chapter one and have to say that there are some really good things going on in it.

I like the way you dose information about the characters so that we don't get all the details right off. The whole time I was reading, I kept asking myself, “Who are these people? What's really going on?” which of course encouraged me to read on. You also ended the chapter well, by not entirely answering all those questions.

Below, I included some thoughts and comments about the chapter. They are only my opinion, so feel free to take or leave anything I have included.

I thought it was a little odd that the King barely reacted when a young man he doesn't know suddenly showed up on the princess's terrace. I would have expected him to show a little more fatherly concern or to ask more questions.

Also, I wasn't sure why Lepra and King Leo's meeting seemed to be so tense at first: why does he have his hand by his sword and why is it significant that her dagger caught on the king's clothes? I kept waiting for some explanation of this.

The word “chest” used three times in two paragraphs. You might want to find other words for it to eliminate redundancy.

I noticed that the text jumps POV. First, we are introduced to Lepra and get the story from her POV and midway through, we get parts of the story from the king's.

This is a very interesting story with intriguing elements. I am sure that anyone who likes this kind of genre will thoroughly enjoy it.

All the best,
Dyane aka Charlotte12

A refreshing read – well done. I’ve personal messaged you – good luck with your writing.

Hello Anna

What a very interesting world you speak of, A world where people freely transform Into big cats.... did that come from a childhood fantasy? I always wished I could be a cat if only for a day. I am working on a new book now and in that there's a part when one of the character's becomes a cat.

Your 1st chapter is strong, there is a lot of misery surrounding the the box and it ends leaving you wanting more, which is always a winner. Your writing style seems good and I found it easy to read through although some of the sentences are quite long you could probably replace a lot of the coma's with full stops.
I only picked up one editorial point, when Lepra is looking at her door you used the word door 3 times in the paragraph I think it could read through smoother if it went
“Lepra stared at her door. Her eyes scanned over its intricate design until a secret latch underneath its handle caught her attention” there is also another part where the guards try to get into her room, you could loose the “her door” and replace it with “Its handle”
This however is only my opinion and I am by no means a professional. Anyways overall its very good. And I look forward to reading more once I have got through some of my other reads

:)

Cheers Nath

I have read the first 2 chapters and really enjoyed it. You had me gripped from the start and made me want to read on to the next chapter. I know I will be reading more of this book and will be putting it on my shelf. Well done on your brillient descriptions and ability to make the reader want to read on.
Jackie
Lies and Death
Sins of the Past

Hi Auna,
Wow, cool book! I love the people having cat powers--it's really new and interesting. This is a very fun and exciting fantasy, and I enjoyed reading it.
Noelle J. Alabaster

I've only read the first chapter, and this is of course just my opinion. The story promises much and is interesting. The heroine is also potentially the antagonist, sort of. But the problem for me lies in the execution. For me, there isn't enough description about the transformation, possibly because of the switch between POVs. Why does she look evil? What does she feel? I think the strengths in story might keep me reading, but adding to her emotions while she acquires this additional power would in my eyes strengthen the story even more.

/Hege - The Silver Bell

Freaky story with lots of twists and turns. I read the first two chapters and enjoyed them. Well written with many surprises. Lepra having to get control of her power before she can be trusted, the King's reluctance to be in a room alone with her at first, and the connection to her birthday are all nice touches.
What is the purpose of this metamorphosis? Is it revealed in later chapters?
The only suggestion I have is don't repeat names so often, so close together. It might also be a little long with the story needing to move more rapidly.
Good luck with this!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I was drawn in immediately. The first parapgraph is deliciously intriguing and very well written.
After the initial delight, I did feel it a shame that everything slowed down rather unnecessarily - the fond banalities with the father - the irrelevant thoughts - the slightly confused sentences. However, on the whole I found this an excellent read, and although I'm the wrong age-group, I think this story has real potential. It's going on my watch-list and I shall read more of it as soon as I get time. This certainly deserves it's rating.

it's really something i'd recommend for everyone reading. :) i have always loved stories with prophecies in it. your characters really do come out alive. hope it gets published already! Good Luck!!!

Auna,

I am not surprised by your lofty position, this is an excellent story.
132,000 words - blimey! I read to chapter two because I had to see what Lepra saw in the mirror, your caught me the way you will catch all readers - well done!
Your narrative and dialogue are both first-rate and easy to read, your descriptions subtle.

Best regards
Warrick

Really enjoyed the first chapter, your characters are spot on and I like the cliffhanger at the end. Well done and wishing you the best of luck :-)

Not my genre at all, but from what i read you have a really clever and original story that could easily tap into the current Twilight inspired enthusiasm for this type of YA/fantasy fiction. At times it felt like you could use some editing, it had the feel of something that had been written very quickly without a proofread afterwards. I understand how it is, you want to get all those ideas down as quickly as possible before they disappear. But is it important to go back and re-read what you've written again and again.
If you do this, then you've got a potentially very commercial idea that could prove very popular. High stars awarded.

So far I have read five chapters. I like what I"ve gotten into and I will have to be back for more. I really like the idea that Lepra is a lion shifter. You do a good job switching between the "cat-like" descriptions and the human ones. I also like the idea that even her own father the King is afraid of the power she has or what may become of her in this prophecy. I do feel that I was thrown a bit in the middle of Lepra's life. I dont' really get much of a backstory of who she is and I feel myself unable to believe if she will make her own destiny since I dont' have much to go by in the department of her individual make-up. By chapter 4 and 5 I feel like I'm connecting a bit more with her. I'm starting to see her independence and cunning side. I'm also getting super intrigued with the five swords. This is something new that I've never read before. Nice. But I'm also wondering at this point what kind of kingdom this is...who is Thoro as her friend and what role does royalty carry in this world? Does this make any sense? I do, however, feel absolutely compelled to keep reading and see how you answer all these questions so this is not necessarily a critique. I think you do a fabulous moving the dialogue along and I'm certainly intrigued by the plot.

Sara

Found a little more time to do another review. This one is for: Auna June's Catalaysia: The Curse of Five
Date: 01.09.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1
This is one lovely story so far. You really paint the perfect picture and allows the characters to jump out of the text and come to life with her descriptions without carrying on anything and leaving the reader in a jumble of too many words.

The first chapter ends with many questions unanswered, really good way to end it-in my opinion.

I only noticed one mistake with 'Making him see grim'. I believe you have forgotten the m in 'seem'? Apart from that everything look fantastic. Nothing else that needs edited or anything like that.

I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk. This manuscript really deserves it. Your creativity is beyond this world.

6/6. W/L.

~ Elizabeth.

Auna,

I read chapter 3. I have to say I feel like way too much is happening way too fast. The premise of this is so interesting and i'm being rushed through some really good parts.

I dont understand anything about the transformation Lepra has made. There isn't enough detail in what is happening to her beyond just that she is changing and that she isn't a Lion. How does she know this? I feel like she knows way too much for it only being the 3rd chapter. If it was slower paced and she learned about it by some prophecy or some scroll inside the chest, the denial of her part as Princess would make a lot more sense.

There were a few inconsistencies and typoes:
in the beginng, Lepra sees the Queen at the bottom of the stairs, but then suddenly she is speaking to her father. Where did he come from?
Lepra supposedly isn't treated as part of the family, but her mother seems sweet and he father took the time to wish her a happy birthday in her room. That seems like part of the family to me.
"looked away.... glanced away" i think those two sentences are redundant.
"coronation crown her sister's had worn years ago" sister's doesn't need an apostrophe.
"Did I stutter?" That doesn't seem time appropriate. She should say something like "Was I unclear?"

You also need to be careful of changing POV. It doesn't work to write from Lepra's POV and then change suddenly for a sentence to Thoro or Garvis or King Leo.

I would also take out her ride to the stage on midnight. It doesn't make sense. As a reader, her transformation from sweet girl to rebellious fighter is too quick. Why would she suddenly decide to ride her horse to the stage and how did the horse get into the castle to begin with?

I wonder where this is going and what the purpose of this dark magic that Lepra inherited is.

I'll be back for more later.

Kat

Hi,

I read the first chapter of your book and really enjoyed it. The concept of animals changing form into humans opens the book up to a wider readership. The story flows well in the first chapter however, I do have some suggestions that you might want to consider below.

(For just a few quick moments it flooded the girl’s room, causing every surface to shine.)

For just a few fleeting moments it flooded the room, causing every surface to shine.

(The king’s light blue eyes scanned the room as his hand fell to his sword’s hilt, but he smiled graciously as Lepra transformed and his shoulders relaxed.)

The king’s light blue eyes scanned the room, as his hand fell to his sword’s hilt, smiling graciously, as Lepra completed her transformation, into human form.

(her father said, opening his arms, “Get over here.”)

her father said, opening his arms, “Come and give me a big hug!”

Your imagination clearly paints a wonderful story, that I’m sure will be full of colour and detail in future chapters.

Well done!

I read the first five chapters and I like the opening conflict. Lepra's trasnformation between leopard/human is a bit confusing at first, but once I realized that the (cats) fight and then they take human form to do anything else it made it easier for the story to flow. I feel like the story does not give enough background information. I'm not sure what exactly "The Curse of the Five" myth is about. Lepra goes into the orchid garden, but we're not told what happens? From your pitch it says the character is not sure what her purpose is..you might want to let the reader know a little bit more information..to keep the reader hooked..

Hi Auna

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

This is a very interesting first chapter. It ends in such a way that you have to continue to chapter two, to see what happens next. Very good, cliff hanger ending! I've given you high stars, good luck with this! It will be a very cool series!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Auna,

A very good first chapter. I like the idea of shifters and the notion of powerful magic. As well as a dark curse that has lain in wait for the right conduit. These are all things that make a good fantasy novel.

I wish you much success with it.

Sharon
“Lykaia”

Hi Auna,
I can see why this is ranked highly, and backed well. It's written superbly, characterisation spot on, pacing smooth, natural, and it's also my favourite POV. Saying that, it's not really my thing.
I can see, however, that it would be very popular with the same audience as 'The Golden Compass' and such like. IMO there's a good chance of it being published, as it's an excellent example of a recognised genre.
I wish you all the best. Good luck!
DJC

Auna,

I've read the first two chapters. I'm interested in the story. I have no idea where it is going yet, but obviously this will be a very intricate and detailed world. I look forward to learning more about it.

The first two chapters felt a kind of rushed and the events of the evening were a little disjointed and easy. I wondered why everything just worked out. For example, Lepra doesn't know where to put her knew gifts and compartments magically appear that fit her gifts perfectly.

You have a great hook her by beginning with her transformation, but it almost felt like too much at once. I thought that too much was happening with too little information about Lepra and her world. Maybe you could start the story an hour or so earlier, maybe with one of her secret sparing lessons. Or have her open her chest later in the evening and cut out the fainting. I think that the pace could be slowed down just a little to make the transformation more powerful.

Lastly, I'm so interested in her transformation into a cat-like creature. Lerpa refers to her father's mane. I want a little more clarification about what kind of creatures they are, perhaps an after thought to the royal family beyond a certain kind of feline. I also think you could add more detail to her transformation from cat to person and from her hand into a claw. What does that feel like? Does her thought process change? I'd love more details in that.

Glad we decided to read swap! I look forward to delving into this world you have created!

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Hi Auna,

I read the first chapter, and though you said you thought you’d got most of the nits out of it, I think I’ve spotted a few more. I know, it seems never ending, doesn’t it?

The first thing that leaps out at me is the name, Lepra. It means leprosy in Italian. So what? I hear you say, that’s just me being hypersensitive. But it’s something to bear in mind if your book goes into translation…

If the sun’s light ‘consumed’ the girl’s room there wouldn’t be any room left. Try suffused instead.

‘A knock came from her door…’ sounds like it was the door doing the knocking.

I think the chest would be inlaid with silver rather than painted.

When you say, ‘The princess caught the man’s wild brown hair falling onto his forehead over his bright blue eyes under his hood.’ is that what you really mean?

‘The princess finally just sat on the floor and waited for the feeling to reside.’ I think you mean subside.

‘Everything she had used to be seemed to have vanished out of nowhere.’ That phrase doesn’t make sense.

A king would never call his guards ‘gentlemen’.

I liked the idea behind this story, the mysterious transforming back and forth between human and feline forms. There’s a mystery behind what’s in the chest and the powers its contact seems to release. As a general point, and this is only my opinion, I think you could cut quite a lot out of this first chapter, not bother describing every movement and facial expression, only when it’s necessary. We don’t need to know what the king’s doing while Lepra is talking to Thoro, for example. It is extremely long for a first YA novel. Has anybody else asked about that? Again, if you prune back all the stuff that isn’t really essential, you’ll get it into a more acceptable size for a publisher to handle.
Hope this has been helpful. Good luck with it.
Jane

The princess' need for adventure is one that is also common to my book "Batle of Love". I found your story line captivating. The transforming into animals in an interesting aspect I haven't read before. I like it. I can't wait to read more and find out the significance of the chest. I am going to wl your book and read more. I will let you know what Ithink as I read.

Tina Burton
Battle of Love
Tears in Heaven

YARG review:

I have only gotten through one chapter, but will likely return for more. I love your writing style; it gives just the right amount of description and carries the story at a good pace. The chapters are a bit longer than I like, but other than that I have no complaints!

One thing I feel you could make a bit clearer is the cat form/human form situarion. Is the cat form a complete cat, or a catperson type form? I felt it was the later, but had nothing solid to back it up.

Here are my nitpicks:


“... before returning to his friendly mask he put on for the public.” I felt that “his” should have been “the”.

“He was fairly taller than Lepra but not by much.” “fairly” seems out of place and is redundant with “but not by much” being in the sentence.

I didn’t like how Lepra said Thoro didn’t need to get her something with no earlier indication that he had. Perhaps have him pull out the package first?

Perhaps an earlier mention of auras would be a good idea?

“... her father said weary, approaching his daughter...” I think you meant “wearily” or perhaps “warily”.


Other than that, as I said before, great writing! You do an excellent job of making the reader curious about what will happen and where the story is going. I am going to have to direct my fiancee to your book as it seems perfect for cat lovers :)

Good luck!
JC

I can't stop reading it. I ran out of chapters though so I had to. I like how it leaves you with questions. Not so much that you just want to stop, but enough that it keeps you interested. This is one of my favorite genres too.

Good luck!
Kimberley

I'm picking up this story again in chapter 4. I like the dialog with King Leo. There is a lot of tension in the situation and you emphasize the importance of the events for both Lepra and her world. The action in chapter 5 is well done. Even though I know it's training and they aren't trying to hurt each other, it is still fun to read how they change from human to big cat while fighting. And getting into that argument right after training and showing that Lepra can best him is a great touch.

Good work. I'll give it another spin on my shelf.

Brian Bandell
Mute

This grabbed my attention from the bit where the 'princess' shifted her paws.. and she has a tail. Something unusual and different. Have only read a couple of chapters so far, but am enjoying it very much. Have some stars while I read on.
Cariad.

This book reminds me of one of my favorite books that I read as a child: Alanna by Tamora Pierce. Not because of the story (though that is a part of it) but because of the writing. I very much enjoyed this. One thing I did find confusing was that in the beginning you speak of Lepra "padding" around her room - and I am uncertain if she is human or animal. Then I kept reading, and again, I was still unsure. Perhaps this is on purpose, and you mean it to be unclear? But either way I was completely wrapped up in your world and this seems like a very original story and plot. The writing is solid and very good for its genre. I read through chapter four because I was entranced!

Thanks so much for a great read. I'm sorry it took me a while to return the read.

All the best, highly starred and I wish you much luck with this!

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Hey Auna,
I read the first chapter and wanted to give you a few comments right off.
First of all, I really love the idea here and all of the elements that you are trying to incorporate. That said, at times it can feel like a lot of information is thrown at the reader in this first chapter. It may read better and allow you to develop your characters, while giving the reader some backstory, if you split it into two chapters or create a prologue that included some suspense. That way, you dont need to rush through introducing your characters to keep the pace fast.
I will definately keep reading to see how this story unfolds.
Great Job, High Stars and Backed!

Brittanee
- And thanks again for backing Sinful!

Hi Auna,
Wanted to give you my two cents on the story "Catalaysia".
Didn't know that you were referring to the characters in this story as cats, and not humans. Now that the new animated 3D movie, Puss in Boots, just came out, I can relate to the characters better. I think Lepra is not a ggod name for your main character - it reminds me too much of Leprosy, (I live in Germany and Lepra is the word for that).
Leo seems too obvious as the name for a cat king. I suddenly imagined Alex the Lion from Madagascar when I read him. The birthday scene in Lepra's bedroom with her father coming in to wish her a happy birthday is fine. I can imagine a lot there in the scene. I don't understand why a chest is brought in and Lapra doesn't open it! Instead they sit on the bed and chat. If I was Lepra I would have opened the chest to see what was inside. Who cares what the magical symbols or name on the chest was - I found that distracting. The boyfriend cat showing up on the balcony was cool, I liked that. He didn't seem concerned that the father was in the room. Then it was all too fast with Lepra changing. You have a point-of-view change with Leo telling the reader his thoughts. it would be better if we stick with only Lepra's pov, at least in this opening chapter. Finally, growing up with 5 sisters, I can't belive that a young lady wouldn't have a mirror in her bedroom! They always have one on their desk or dresser near the bed. Always. Cat princesses included. If Lepra is suddenly changing before her father's eyes, he sould tell her to look in the mirror, then you should tell us what she looks like, then make her looked shocked, and then end the chapter. This would make the reader wnat to know what is going on so they can turn the page to chapter two.
That's how I would see the opening chapter begin. I hope this is helpful. You got potential here, and I will back that potential.
All the best
Kirk

Catalaysia: The Curse of Five
Hi Auna,
I’ve just read your first chapter – I’ll try and read more soon – but on the basis of what I have seen so far you have a very promising book. You have great imagination combined with the writing skill to make the world you have created come alive in your readers’ minds. Fresh and fluent writing, well-paced and an intriguing character in Lepra.
Well done!
Kat xx

Dear Auna

Teen fantasy reads are a world away from what I am used to. Nevertheless you write with assurance and your imagination plays out well in the narrative. The references make it clear that your writing is for the american market, which means my understanding of the nuances is limited. Even so, there is much here to feel pleased about. Rated.

All the best with this

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

It is a long time since I have read young adult fiction. I also have to bear in mind that the book is written by an American for an American audience and nuances in the dialogue will be different between US and British dialogue - we would not say, 'Get over here' but rather 'Come over here'. None-the-less, I found the opening chapter an interesting read. Perhaps the drama could have been increased by using reflections in the windows rather than for a mirror to be fetched unless there are other compelling reasons for the mirror. I think, for YA literature, the cardinal rule was never breached - it was easy to read and scanned well but you did not talk down to your audience; a mistake that is so often made in writing for this genre.

What is going to happen now??? I just finished the new chapters, and I see you have left me with a small cliffhanger.. The build up to the end of chapter 19 is incredible, it felt slow for small portion there in the middle, but then you pick up the excitement and bring back some action with the guards in the hallway. Great job. Still supporting you and waiting for more.

Your first chapter is so good! I love your manner of writing and want to return to your book soon. Gave it the top rating.

The Sinner

Hi, Auna! Just stopped by to return your read and check out your first chapter. You get into the heart of your story right away, but still leave your reader mysteriously wondering about what exactly is changing Lepra. Best of luck with your work and thank you for reading mine!

Jonie

I loved your voice, ideas, and overall presentation of your novel. However, there are a few things you should look at. Such as dialogue tags. They can get rather annoying and stop the pacing in certain areas. (chapters 10-15). Also look for breathe and breath (chapter 15), along with confusion during events (chapter 3). With a little clarification this book will go far, until then, it will just be confusing. On a happier note, you main character is enticing and the love affair I believe is occurring between her and Thoro will be scandalous, but I feel you have added a twist along the road and I will be looking for it. Best of luck. I will be back for more reading soon.

FlamingDragon21

A strange, compelling book that will appeal to all fantasy fans. Great characters and a nice twist in the story with humans being able to turn into cats. It is very well written although I do think it has started just a little abruptly. I would like to have had more background of Lepra and her family. Otherwise it is very good. Well done. Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE - CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN - ANNIE.

Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Short pitch: It’s OK but I’m not sure it really suggests much specific about the content. Maybe Catalaysia needs an early mention?

Long pitch: my feeling here was that you have too many ellipses, one after the other like that they lack impact. The reader gets led on, only to go nowhere. It actually weakens the effect. This pitch could be tightened up a bit.

Main text: Just a small thing but, as I gathered she was shape-shifting I did wonder about her size. Silly of me probably, but you conjure up such a strong image of her sitting on the stone balcony that I could see a cat. Then, when she changes into a human, I thought ‘but doesn’t she have to grow in stature?’ How does that work in your mind?

Language: generally, as I read though this, I thought you did a good job of drawing the scene and filling it with acceptable dialogue. However, you do have a tendency to slightly over wordy description – ‘had perched herself.’ Could be just ‘had perched’ for example. And I got a little disoriented by your sequencing –the guard close the door but two servants, hearing clapping, just shuffle in. Then you need to be careful about metaphors that use existing clichés. For example ‘Something began to pick at her like an open wound’ doesn’t really make sense does it? You mean presumably ‘pick at her AS IF she were and open wound.’ Yes? And there were wrong words here and there (e.g. reside – should be subside; ‘was it was’ – ‘what it was’) which may be the result of spell checker action.

Despite your fairly sure hand at description and managing the evolution of a scene my feeling was that the narrative was just a little stilted. Incredible things are happening to your MC, throughout chapters one and two, but there seemed to be an element of normality – like the narrator kept running out of imaginative energy. This leads to a sense disturbed pace in the development. For example: “So I have been cursed…I wonder what will happen next?” It would be better to edit down to the natural flow of events without these apparent ‘pauses’ for breath. It would help build and maintain tension.

An interesting fantasy idea with intriguing undertones.

I've read the first two chapters. It's a very interesting premise, the shape-shifting princess with the family secret of hidden magic. I was interested to see how her relationship with Thoro might develop.

I did notice a few technical issues. In chapter one, Lepra says, "Are you okay, father?" The word "okay" seems like too modern a colloquialism in the mouth of the cat-girl princess. I'd use "all right" instead.

Also in chapter one, Lepra goes out into the night to meet Thoro. You refer to her "anxieties" in the plural, but then use a singular pronoun in referring to them..."it was still ready to spring", I think. It should be, "They were still ready to spring".

You capitalize the word "cougar" in Chapter One, and the word "leopard" in Chapter Two. But animal types aren't capitalized. For example, you wouldn't write "The Raccoon crossed the road," or "The Rattlesnake slept in the box".

I would have liked to have had more explanation of Lepra's shape-shifting abilities. Is she a girl who can turn into a cat, or a cat who can turn into a girl? Is everyone in her world like this, or just her family, or just one race among many? Does it happen at will, or in response to emotions, or...?

I just want to thank everyone for the comments :) It has really helped my writing improve and it is nice to know what my readers like. I hope the new editions of the chapters are reading smoother for people. Thanks again.

Auna June

So. The great place of Catalaysia has entered the fantasy world, and I am happy to say it is an exciting read. A smooth writing style that adds to the suspense you build. Impeccable. I would recommend this to a lot of people. It is great for a lot of different age groups, and definitely adds a new angle to the fantasy world. I see humor, betrayal, love, determination, and evil all wrapped into one. It is a shame you have only posted 15 chapters. I really would like to know more of the story, but what you have up so far is great. Lepra is a unique character, but I feel your readers can relate to her. The King seems very fatherly, but I almost feel the secret is Garvis is her father from the way he acts. I would like to see more of Thoro since he is introduced briefly, but then there is Pelinin who shows up mysteriously. Along with what looks like your antagonist, Kelvere. Very evil and charming at the same time.
Highly Starred and back. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to the editor's desk and will be back for more when I can. Along with sending this to others on the site.

To Be or Not To Be

So I have taken a more detailed combing of your book and am impressed.
-Fluent writing
-Great main character
-Enticing chapter conclusions
-Mystery, Suspense, Humor
-The story progresses well
I am enjoying it greatly. I do want to note though that in your later chapters I am feeling a drag. Maybe consider cutting your dialogue tags and creating a better rounded picture for the reader. It would help with the flow as well. I have noticed a change in the recent beginning chapters and if you work the editing you have done into the later ones you will be set. But please I would love more to read and am excited to see where this is going. I would like my questions answered.
-Is Lepra in love with both Thoro and Pelinin?
-Why is Garvis and Zulimcan shocked to hear each other's names?
-Who is the mysterious man at the end of chapter 12?
-Is Lepra evil or good?
-What is this ball that the characters keep talking about?
Just a few things I would love to read about. Highly starred and on my shelf. I wish you the best of luck.

AAAAAABRY!