Comerford

Dear Dedalus

Your story "Comerford" is literary without being dry, well observed without being over written. Against a backdrop of the push for Irish independence, there are passages and moments in your writing that are so carefully observed that I feel myself alongside, watching something from a film, perhaps a Merchant Ivory adaptation. The modes and forms of address, the period details are accurate, so that I have no difficulty believing your story in sepia.

I didn't at all mind the discussions on Irish home rule, as again, these felt genuine, and necessary for the period. Where I did have some difficulty with reading, was in some passages of youthful introspection. I find it odd that, if your hero is as solitary as he seems, Ethel should be at all interested in him. But there lies the story....

All the best with this.

Rated!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Hello Dedalus, I read the first four chapters. Firstly, I have to say that you've written these chapters with preciseness, care and precision. Secondly, maybe just shortening each chapter, if that can be done. I am no expert, I can only share as a Reader, not as a professional. I would have desperately liked to read the 11 Chapters, however, time is not kind to me at the moment. I do wish you all the best. I will now take you off my Shelf, due to only allow 4-8 weeks for all those I back so to be fair on others. All the best. Salwa.

Hi Joe,
I intended to read some more of your book about Nietzsche, but accidentally clicked on the wrong book. I was going to switch, but then started reading Comerford and became interested. I really like the setting. You've done a great job bringing the time period, the university, and city alive. I don't know much of the history, but find it very interesting, especially since my husband's family came from Ireland. I really like Stephen Comerford. He's an intelligent and thoughtful young man. You've skillfully shown us who he is, giving us his inner thoughts and letting us see his world through his eyes. The only thing that stood out for me as out of place was in chapter one when you told about the girl's background and said she was fluent in three languages. Stephen didn't know this as he was meeting her for the first time and it didn't sound like she was telling him the information. This book, and your other book, should be on more shelves. I'll try to back one of them soon. Now I'll have to decide which one.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

This is indeed an extraordinary knowledgeable and clever work. You really set the scene and I was right in there. Good luck.

The writing is excellent. No comment is needed. The cover treatment is a draw. The title is a draw. The pitch is a draw. If I saw it in a bookstore, I would read as much as I did before a purchase was seriously considered because the setting is interesting.

Hi,

I enjoyed the opening chapter of your book. You clearly know your history and the politics of the time. Good research! I think my only observation is that the first chapter is a bit politics heavy but that could just be my personal taste. I like the way you establish the character - he is fully three dimensional pretty early on, which is great. Well done!

Sally

Four Movements

Hi Dedalus,

This is a really interesting opening. The lead character is well observed and the reader gets a very strong sense of him early on. You have clearly done your research, and the political and historical detail is impressive. One thing i would say is that the amount of politics in the opening chapter, while important clearly to the narrative, at time feels like it is a bit much. As a reader I wanted to find out more about the character himself. That may well just be my personal taste though.

Well done.

Sally

Four Movements

Hi Joe,
I intended to read some more of your book about Nietzsche, but accidentally clicked on the wrong book. I was going to switch, but then started reading Comerford and became interested. I really like the setting. You've done a great job bringing the time period, the university, and city alive. I don't know much of the history, but find it very interesting, especially since my husband's family came from Ireland. I really like Stephen Comerford. He's an intelligent and thoughtful young man. You've skillfully shown us who he is, giving us his inner thoughts and letting us see his world through his eyes. The only thing that stood out for me as out of place was in chapter one when you told about the girl's background and said she was fluent in three languages. Stephen didn't know this as he was meeting her for the first time and it didn't sound like she was telling him the information. This book, and your other book, should be on more shelves. I'll try to back one of them soon. Now I'll have to decide which one.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I like this book and have put it on my watchlist. Your prose is very polished, and it's clear you have gone through more than a few revisions. A minor criticism is where Stephan views himself in the mirror. It's a well used device for giving us his physical description, and I'm not sure it's neccesary. Forrester in his novels gives almost no physical description of his characters, but rather he tells us WHO they are. In this you have excelled, in Stephan's inner thoughts. Little things tell so much; his attitude toward fashion for example is a gem among many. Well done. The poetry is beautiful as well, and I have to ask, is it yours, or a quote. If yours, you are a fine poet as well as novelist.

Hi Joe, reading Comerford’s opening chapter reminds me how much I love your writing. I am not sure you started it here on the version I read (ages ago), but it’s great to get Ethel in at the start. Two things I noted that you may wish to look at changing. You overuse ‘Stephen’, replace some with ‘he’. After Ethel leaves the bookshop you drop into ‘tell’ as if you don’t trust your ability to have conveyed his social ineptness and infatuation (you do). I would cut that paragraph altogether and look for other instances where you do this, for example you may want to consider the paragraph when he talks about his solitude and going to plays alone (and cut down on some it). I will read then next few chapters and comment on the pull/hook. I do so love this. You will find an agent, I am sure. Juliet

Hello Dedalus, I read the first four chapters. Firstly, I have to say that you've written these chapters with preciseness, care and precision. Secondly, maybe just shortening each chapter, if that can be done. I am no expert, I can only share as a Reader, not as a professional. I would have desperately liked to read the 11 Chapters, however, time is not kind to me at the moment. I do wish you all the best. I will now take you off my Shelf, due to only allow 4-8 weeks for all those I back so to be fair on others. All the best. Salwa.

Dear Dedalus

Your story "Comerford" is literary without being dry, well observed without being over written. Against a backdrop of the push for Irish independence, there are passages and moments in your writing that are so carefully observed that I feel myself alongside, watching something from a film, perhaps a Merchant Ivory adaptation. The modes and forms of address, the period details are accurate, so that I have no difficulty believing your story in sepia.

I didn't at all mind the discussions on Irish home rule, as again, these felt genuine, and necessary for the period. Where I did have some difficulty with reading, was in some passages of youthful introspection. I find it odd that, if your hero is as solitary as he seems, Ethel should be at all interested in him. But there lies the story....

All the best with this.

Rated!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Just my kind of book set in the time period I enjoy the most. Popping this on my watchlist so I can have a good read when I can find some time :)

I really like your writing style, it conveys the textures and atmosphere of post-Edwardian Dublin very well.

I think the main thing I’d say is that the majority of your readers will really care about Comerford because he’s such an interesting character, but they won’t care as much about Irish history (or they’ll know it already). The history has to be just a backdrop, especially in the first chapter when we want to get to know Comerford.

For instance, at the breakfast table, the brief conversation has a natural tension to it so a non-Irish reader will know there’s a significance to what’s being said. We don’t need Stephen to then muse about unionism and nationalism (though the storm in the teacup is a great metaphor).

The dialogue with Lloyd seems too rehearsed. Even well-educated people stumble over their words, trail off, etc. I would break up the dialogue by using both direct and indirect speech; and have the narrator privy to Stephen’s thoughts so we know when he dissembles, or panders or whatever. It also might work better if Stephen and Lloyd argue (in a polite way) over some of the issues, that it’s a strain on their good relationship.

I think you should make clearer whether Patrick wont go to Scholl’s because he is German or Jewish. If it’s the latter it paints Pat in a very bad light.

I really liked how Stephen noticed small details about Ethel in the shop. She seems to laugh a bit too much!

You capture the turmoil in Stephen’s head during the writing process very well.

I thought the obituary on Halesden slowed down the text too much. Describing Mac Stiofan’s speech through Stephen’s article was very clever and effective. I though his discussion with Patrick about it was too heated – I’d just leave out words like aggressively and shouted. I also thought Stephen would not be so defensive. I’d expect Stephen to stay calm throughout as he explains what he wrote while Patrick gets more agitated.

Overall the novel has started very well. Best of luck with it.

Andrew.

Sorry for the belated return read. Like a few others who have commented, literary fiction is not really my speciality but I have read a fair amount over the years. I think you are exceptionally brave to try this style of writing.

I felt like the style of writing was a little bit like Dickens in the mix between showing and telling. For my tastes I think there was a bit too much telling but this is a personal preference of mine. Your description and some of your phrasing is excellent. You definitely have real skill and I remain confident that you will find an audience.

Sometimes I think you try to cram a little too much into each sentence and you should leave a little space for the reader to apply their own interpretation. An example would be - Ethel continued asking questions and Stephen's guard was let down as the alcohol he was unused to relaxed him and his mind instinctively focused on Ethel's beauty.

I would perhaps try to break this up - Ethel's questions continued and Stephen found himself answering more freely. Influenced by alcohol he focused on her beauty. An infrequent drinker, his guard was down.

But y'know I'm sure you'll recognise that the voices of our respective efforts are very different and much of it depends on our preference and vision. I'm sure you can't imagine writing like me, just like I can't imagine writing the way that you do.

Keep at it and good luck.

Shiny

hello J M Walsh-

book- Comerford-

Lit a turf fire in the room and settled in last night, with the rain hitting the window, to read this wonderful historical read- got so engrossed in the story about Ireland in the home rule period of 1912, that I missed a picture i wanted to see on telly- From start to finish of the eleven chapters posted it had me turning the pages rapidly; It was that interesting, really was-
I could relate to all of the places mentioned in the book as Stephen's story unfolds; read with great interest the
I R A man , Mac Stiofan speech in the Shelbourne Hotel.the facts in this book are well researched and used to good effect, indeed.;
The dialogue middle to upper class Dublin is well written; and Stephen falling in love with Ethel is nicely brought along-In fact the writing is so well placed.

will read more when posted,

tom bye Dublin Ireland
oblige and read some chapters of mine about a boy growing up in Dublin 40s- you might find chapters-32-12-interesting.

a fascinating book- you include some interesting that there is no need in your power as a writing...but you do have great poer and skill as a writer...
l will back, with six stars*****************[or more (if l could)].
read SEASONS>>>>>>

Hi J

I've read most of the first chapter - skimmed through the second half, really. I'm not too good with literary fiction. My notes:

Is it necessary to say that his house was Victorian? I don't know much, granted, but I would automatically imagine a house of that time to be Victorian.

'...kitchen [...] kitchen table.' 'table', alone, would suffice.

Wow, that was an incredibly weird sensation of deja vu or something - I have an identical line in my second book - 'And the Lords?' Stephen asked, already knowing the answer.'!!

At 24, I remember all to well my history lessons, and I'm sorry to say the Irish history bored me the most for some reason (I think because it wasn't in some far off land! Like Germany!), so I'm afraid I'm finding myself unwittingly skipping through this. Sorry :s

Would it be more impactful if you didn't specify 'Ireland is a storm in a teacup'? If you just left that visual analogy (I'm fairly sure there's an actual term for it, but my brain isn't working right today).

Also are those two sentences his thoughts? I, too, have my characters thoughts mixed into the narrative like that with nothng to define them. It's nice to see someone else on here doing it, rather than italicising.

'but a form of ugliness so intolerable....' is this a quote? It seems like a quote, and the quotation marks are rather a giveaway, but I thought I'd check.

'or else this hand if fate is imagined.' 'of'?

I'll stop here, because I don't like commenting on literary fiction, really. Anyone who even attempts it would probably just laugh at any comment I could make! lol. Wuthering Heights ensured that I never again read any literary fiction, but this certainly does, to my limited knowledge, seem very good and literary fictionish :) There are a lot of Irish publishers desperate for this kind of thing, so I'm sure you'll have no problem finding one.

Good luck with it.

Hi,
The writing is very professional, a bit slow for me but nicely done. The descriptive prose and narrative prose are very good.
I like the dialogue too.
Backed.
Nice book.

The writing is excellent. No comment is needed. The cover treatment is a draw. The title is a draw. The pitch is a draw. If I saw it in a bookstore, I would read as much as I did before a purchase was seriously considered because the setting is interesting.

This is indeed an extraordinary knowledgeable and clever work. You really set the scene and I was right in there. Good luck.

Hello.
A clairty of expression helps to transmit the depth of historical and cultural knowledge which underpin this text. The crisp, robust style also helps to carry the reader's eye deeper into the life of the main protagonist.
There is a tendency to directly reveal details about the setting and characters, rather than filtering it indirectly through the events and actions and dialogue in the narrative. Concentrating, in particular, on the first few paragraphs, much of the contextual informaion is imparted by the third person narrator. This, for me, is a too powerful position in which the writer to place himself. I would prefer, in general, if dates and details were reveled in guilefull and underhand ways -slipped out in slight turns of NVC, in environmental detail.
Despite this, the text is intriguing and well-constructed - as noted above - and manages to draw the reader deep into itself.
I hope this helps, Toby

Hi Joe


Chapter 1
red brick - I think is usually one word or hyphenated when talking about houses
'People like Patrick had been waiting decades for it' - the exclamation mark threw me off with this sentence.

The storm in the tea-cup - nicely done, though wouldn't it be a bit impractical drinking your tea like that? I wouldn't know, I'm not a loose tea-leaf drinker but, I still liked the metaphor.

'They could only improve the original' - when talking about Dante and Plato in Greek/Latin. I found this sentence a bit odd. Surely the originals were the Greek/Latin versions? So it would be improving on the translated versions? I don't know, maybe I read this wrongly?

He knew his own face less than the clock? Really? I found this sentence a little hard to swallow. Maybe it was hinting at something else I didn't quite get, but it just seemed a little odd to me.

'Before it became too fanatic' - fanatic made me stumble. Fanatical?

'Stephen's patience was wearing thin' - I think you could show us this, rather than tell. Does he have traits when he gets frustrated? Rubbing his eyebrow, or clicking his fingers? Something that could show us that he's getting a bit...edgy?

Stephen is quite an introverted character, he's reminding me of a character from a film I can't quite put my finger on.

'Helo Stephen' - should be 'Hello, Stephen'
'Yes, wel[l] I was going to make it...'

The 'Explain.' from the professor - I liked this, it' so very professor-ish. But I do think you could enhance this image. What is he doing? Does he sit in his chair, interlock his fingers? Pour a drink? I don't know, I just thought this could be a great opportunity to give us some insight into his character and mannerisms.

'Before thenwe were give...' - space between the then and we
'The[y] enjoyed the riches...'

Your font changes when you introduce Ethel...

With the wine sending Ethel to sleep, again, think you could have shown us this. She's been quite animated, maybe show us her eyelids drooping, or her speech slowing, her yawning - something like that. It kind of seemed to cut the scene with her quite short and dramatically.

'Finding it difficult to place [h]is feet...'
'It was a wide grin that stretched his his cheeks [so much?] that it hurt'?

Despite it's heavy start, I enjoyed this chapter. I'm more than happy to read through the rest, but it will take a while...let me know if you want me to read more. You clearly have a gift for writing...

Silva

Hello Joe ,I can't believe you are only 21 , the style is so mature and articulate and has something of that captivating,fluid Irish style of literature and ,of course , I was reminded of you know who when the hero contemplated his tea cup. The debate about Home Rule is fascinating though historically it was a dead end and came down to questions of 'Who's the Hardest' or Lenin's question 'Who Whom?' , meaning 'Who controls whom?' or to put it another way, the Irish finally discovered leaders who would challenge the British head on - Michael Collins and Eamon de Valera. I'm a history teacher, so I have frequently taught Irish history and I am - 1/16th Irish!I know that will get you on my side. Excellent writing style ,very good indeed - only one criticism, it may seem minor ,but the reality is it counts for a lot, the first chapter is in different formats , I entirely understand why this is so , I had dreadful problems uploading ,but I'm afraid people notice these things ,even though they shouldn't - its like appearance and clothes , some people automatically mark you down - of course, you can wave two fingers at them , but all you will do is make things more difficult for yourself. But please do not let this detract from an excellent novel.Would you be kind enough to look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' ( if you don't have anything more constructive to do ) about pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes, Strachan Gordon

Hi Joe.

I'm quite liking this.

I find the opening paras quite stilted – Feels very info dump, but then that sort of feels like Stephen – stilted and awkward. The prose does flow a more naturally later on.

The tea metaphor – why isn’t he using a strainer? Why’s he got tea leaves everywhere? Just for the metaphor?

The mirror – it says he’s more familiar with the clock than the mirror, so why does he look in it today? So we know what he looks like. I’m sure you could work this in more subtly.

I take it you don’t like commas?

I like his battle (even though he suspects it's futile) with fate.

Not being a political person myself, I liked that he didn't get involved with the Home Rule debate... but then he does. Ah well.

Ethel - "curious looking, pretty girl", is she looking at him curiously, or is she curious-looking? If it's the latter, which is how I read it, then I was surprised she's next described as beautiful. Being that he's smitten by her looks, it might be good to add a snippet about them, earlier - before the next "Pretty/beautiful" mention. I kept thinking - how is she pretty?

Aw - he's fallen in love. cute.

In the bookshop - I didn't get that their conversation was difficult. She seemed perfectly chatty and interested to me. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me..." - I think this is where you're trying to show her as being distant - uninterested, but I don't think it comes across like that. She's in a bookshop, browsing a book... I don't see what came over her - I don't see why she wasn't "like herself".

I've read CH1 & 2 - I'll read more later. I'm intrigued to know if Ethel will break his heart or be a star.

Cx

I read the first chapter of this Irish political historical novel. It seems very well edited apart from a few places.

Down towards the last third :
- 'Helo [Hello] Stephen, how are you'
- 'Yes wel [well] I was ....'
- I think Ireland is a response......Before thenwe [then we] were five...'

Also on the editing, the typeface is different in the last quarter. I don't know why.

Please remember, that this is just my point of view....

Although it is an important historical time for Ireland, I found the writing a little dry. Mainly this was due to the author's keenness to include as much historical information as was possible. This resulted in a dullness rather than enticing the reader to continue. And it read more like a history text book than a novel.

I think that if there was more dialogue this might change it from the large blocks of prose, breaking it up into what the characters had to say. I found that where the author had dialogue, much of it was just the same regurgitation of history,rather than showing it from the character's viewpoints. It amounts to telling the reader, rather than showing the reader, and allowing the reader to make up his own mind and become involved in the story.

There are many areas which could be easily changed from prose into dialogue.
E.G. the narration of the discussion between Professor Lloyd and Stephen prior to the actual discussion. But this dialogue that follows, is more or less the same as the solid piece of text that precedes it. And it fails to bring out the characteristics and personality of the people. It would be good if it did, because it would make the reader become interested in the people in the story.

Another example, is when the narrator tells us that the red wine was sending Ethel to sleep. She could have said that herself. The narrator didn't need to tell that to the reader.

There are countless examples of this which could be changed and bring the writing more alive.

However, I like the introduction of Ethel. She sounds like she could be interesting and liven up the story. But her personality needs to shine out.

Clearly the author has something to say, and says it well. But the style needs to be a little more enticing so that the reader wants to carry on reading.

These are just my views. Writing fiction is quite a long learning curve in my opinion. But please remember, you don't have to take it on board. My comments are from the point of view of a reader, not a reviewer. I think that is important, because after all, it is the reader who makes the final judgement.

Best of luck with this. I'm sure you will do well.

J.M.

I read the first two chapters. I consider this a quick read, and these are my first impressions.

I am a fan of historical fiction. This reads like a first draft, even though I know it's not, because of the precision of the language. It also reads almost as though you are pursuing an ideal, perhaps an author or genre you like to read. I am looking for a style, a diction that brings me back to your book, entices me to turn the page, and I am not finding it except in rare instances, like a diamond in the rough. You have, for example, a fine dialogue style. You would do well to read authors who succeed in saying much with little, authors with economical diction, not to imitate them, but to change the running narrative in your head. We shouldn't seek to write what we read. My favorite war novelist is Ernest Hemingway. The iceberg theory. Much of your protagonist's thoughts repeat, so I would start there. Take a scapel to it and carve the story out. Like the image in the marble, what is real appears only when what is not the image melts away. Czekhov has much to say on this idea. Good luck, and I would be happy to read more when you have taken it through a revision.

Memphisgirl

The premise is enticing. The backdrop to this is complex and offers many possible avenues of plot development and characterisation. You have a clear and lucid style which makes the novel easy to read. However, you allow the history to get in the way of the story. You clearly know the historical context very well but you stray from narrative and into history too often so that you impart too much information at the expense of the story. I would have liked to seen a more narrative opening to the novel. At the moment, you give us information about Stephen rather than show us what he is like and what he does. This is the classic struggle between show and tell. At the moment, the narrative is rather static and held up by all the information you, the author, want to give to us. Your readers may not be well informed about Ireland, Home Rule and the Civil War but you have to weave that information into the narrative more covertly than you do at the moment. That said, I think you have the basis for a really good novel.