The Horseback Messenger

I’m starting to think this site is turning me into a historical fiction reader. Never thought that would happen, but I guess I’m learning something new. I quite liked this. I’m not sure the short pitch worked for me, it kind of jerked. But I did really like the long pitch and it got me excited about reading.
The first paragraph jumps from the present to the conditional and back to the present again before the past. I very much like the drama of those opening sentences but I just wonder about how they’re phrased.
Very nice description. Paints a good background picture without dragging on. Great balance.
As I read on I like the setting more and more. It has a very cinematic feel and makes the action very vivid.
Nice conflict between characters. Although there is some slight repetition interwoven as the characters develop.
I liked the pacing, I think it was the dialogue that worked so well. Very apt for the period and really move things along very well.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I commented as I read and I hope I made some sense.

A strong first chapter with all the elements of a good story: a hero at odds with himself, adventure, intrigue, mystery. " A storm in a cup", indeed, but who will be the one to drink it? I also like the psychological struggles of the main character ("I fight myself") rippling through the undercurrent in the larger conflict. It always makes it more interesting for the reader to develop the story on more than one level. A nice strong plot.

Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

Your beginning has a lot going for it. You orient us and then get right into vivid action. I love the lines: "I have nothing." He muttered to the wind that rattled past his sun dried face. And the last line of chapter one is a good hook. I'll pop back for more and will rate then.
Welcome.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Peter, not bad to have the name of a famous detective.
The Horseback Messenger has a lot to recommend it. You have a strong plot and work it well. There were a few slips, but we all have those. I plan to keep you on my watchlist and read a lot more before backing. High stars though.
Ignore the nitpicking that follows, only offered to help.
I like Thomas, loved the fight with the giant and his reception scene back at the castle.
Cover : like it, made me pick the book because I was expecting a western.
Pitch: Short pitch okay, missing period at end. Long pitch, found a couple of small things. 'The King's only son is a bastard and illegible' -- maybe inelgible
'a healthy legitimate son elludes him -- maybe eludes him
Second paragraph use brink twice, maybe on the edge instead in one place. Pitch could be expanded.
I only read chapter one.
Personally I find books with suicidal characters disturbing and as a rule I never read them. It says a lot for your writing that you have created a powerful and very sympathetic character in Thomas. The fight with the mute giant was well written, but the first wound surprised me since I thought Cunningham was incompetent in his suicide attempt. Made me read it twice. Maybe a little line to indicate the introduction of another person first, but no, the surprise element would be lost. Okay, but not sure about him trying so hard to pierce the matted hair at his throat. I married a gorilla, but the hair on his throat isn't that thick.
Only a couple more. Hope you get a chance to read some of mine and return the favor. You really do have a great story here.
'The sun was beginning to lower in the sky but it was as hot and foul smelling as ever.' ( a pretty long nose)
-- but the air was as hot and foul smelling as ever.
But a few sentences later you say, 'The clear sky darkening quickly, the night would be cold. (well, we all blow hot and cold at times)
Hope to read more soon.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Hi Peter,

Great story! I love your writing style, its very flowing and poetic which is perfect for the setting of the story. Gave you a great star rating!

Love for you to take a look at my book if you have a chance.

Thanks!
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love.

Hi.
Good bits and bad bits:
Good: starts wit action and makes you want to read on. The characterisation of the MC is fairly good though his thoughts could be a bit clearer. The sections of the first chapter are short and tha is good for the pace.
Bad: your punctuation is terrible (so is mine BTW).
Action sequences: The word ‘and’ has no place in an action sequence. Cut it.
Use short sentences and short paragraphs.
Look carefully at the verbs. Pierce, cut, thrust, parry, slash, stab are words that can make a whole sentence in an action sequence. Don't give them time to sip their coffee.
Avoid passive sentences. As a project manager writing a report you get used to doing that, but in fiction writing you shoud avoid.
Read the dialogue aloud. Does it sound as you would say it yourself at the time?
The first couple of paragraphs are too long in their descriptions. It's a bit like describing sunsets. It makes agents laugh.
You have the bare bones here. Revise the action so it reads 'staccato' not 'piano'.
That's my advice for what it's worth.
I like the story itself and if you revise, let me know and I'll consider backing it.
Read 'Self-editing for Fiction Writers' by Renni Browne and Dave KIng - changed my writing forever (available on Amazon).

Really enjoyed this first chapter. it was extremely professionally written and exciting as well as authentic sounding. I think you set up an interesting character, initially suicidal in a beautiful place, very intriguing. On my watchlist to read more and for a bookshelf place when one becomes available.

Your opening makes me wonder, who are the minority who can see their own death coming?

Best Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

historical fiction is my thing, too. great treatment.

As a lover of historical fiction it was a pleasure to find this book. Your writing transports me into the era with ease and I can imagine the time taken to research is partly responsible, it shows throughout the story.
I see others have commented on the need for tightening the prose, looking at the use of too many 'hads,' etc so there is no need for me to take that any further.
What is impressive is the insight into 16th century England and your ability to tell a story. Great subject matter and a lot of potential I think and I look forward to reading more. Starred and for a place on my shelf. Margaret.

I've only read chap. 1 and the beginning of 2 but have watchlisted. Very impressive. Great opening paragraph followed by good description of place with intimations of the personality of Thomas (hates London loves countryside, for example) and conflicts. existing and impending. Two nice twists: he's drunk and his anger lifts him out of his depression--realistic. Good period detail, just enough for reader to see the horse dashing over the cobbles as crowds part.
A few nitpicks, though writing is excellent mostly. "Kings" needs apostrophe as in "King's messenger" etc. Three e.g.s without it in two paras.
Light streams through 'thin glass'--in contrast to the usual thick glass of the era? Some readers might not know this.
The dialog is mostly good, nothing too archaic but no distracting modern phrases or anachronisms, except for "depressive" in Chap 2. I don't think this was used until last century, something like "subject to melancholia" or "fits of melancholia" would work better. Also, when Thomas is speaking to Henry he would always have ended with "Sire" (where he didn't say 'your majesty') as in "No, Sire". Plain "No" would have been seen as disrespectful, maybe rebelliously so.
Very good fierce action scene with the 'Idiot', sustained and realistic.
Anne.
Will you look at "Polly" and give feedback?

I really liked your long pitch which promised plenty of action and excitement. I love history, and your cover reminded me of a solitary guman in a Western, which is always a good thing. The writing was very atmospheric and I felt the character was developing at a good pace, this chapter finishing with a promising cliffhanger. If I had to be critical I would say that you use too many qualifiers and adjectives - I would enjoy the writing more if it was sparser and even more intense. Will look forward to reading more.

Phil Church

good moving dialogue, good layers to the storyline. historical fiction always grabs me, and i like this story coming from the messenger.
j
what every woman should know

As you know I've only just joined Authonomy and the best thing about it so far has been reading books that ordinarily I wouldnt have 'gone for' in a conventional bookshop - your novel falls into that category Peter. I've only read the first two chapters but your story has certainly gripped me and I will definitely be heading back for more. Its so good to read about English history - brought to life in this way. If you've grabbed my attention you must be doing something right! Well done Peter.

I would change the first line. My immediate reaction was, 'Yes, everyone knows that, why is he stating the obvious?' Something more like inserting 'they die' after ''when and where' in the next line.

Otherwise it's a compelling read.

You will need to get it edited for punctuation, and some of your sentesnses are clumsy - for an example check out the last para of Ch1. I suggest something like the following would be an improvement. The message was in his knapsack. Thomas and his horse trotted eastwards through the streets to deliver the king's word. He wondered how the contents would change the world.

Because the plot line and theme are compelling I've put it on my shelf.

Best of luck with it.

Joanna

Read your first chapter.
It is really well written with a great plot start off. It is a tad confusing at first, but as I read on I saw that it flowed well.
The title is perfect for the book.
No mistakes that I could see.
Very well done.

Bria Heart <3

Chapter four. Great contrast between Anne and Catherine. Nicely done all round. I do think, though, that instead of telling us that Thomas was taken aback, you could describe it with more effect. Five stars.
Cheers!
JBC

Dear Peter, I have just backed your book. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John

I’m starting to think this site is turning me into a historical fiction reader. Never thought that would happen, but I guess I’m learning something new. I quite liked this. I’m not sure the short pitch worked for me, it kind of jerked. But I did really like the long pitch and it got me excited about reading.
The first paragraph jumps from the present to the conditional and back to the present again before the past. I very much like the drama of those opening sentences but I just wonder about how they’re phrased.
Very nice description. Paints a good background picture without dragging on. Great balance.
As I read on I like the setting more and more. It has a very cinematic feel and makes the action very vivid.
Nice conflict between characters. Although there is some slight repetition interwoven as the characters develop.
I liked the pacing, I think it was the dialogue that worked so well. Very apt for the period and really move things along very well.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I commented as I read and I hope I made some sense.

Ok. I enjoyed the story here - kept me reading for two chapters before I had to go out. I had no problems with the voice, the storyline or your writing ability. I have a couple of points which you might want to consider or just put down to just being my opinion as one reader.

As I said, a really enjoyble read that I want to read more of. I pointed out what jarred for me and you can ignore of course. Shall watchlist for now to read more.
Cariad.

Hi there,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my novel, your insight is really useful. I'm going to take a look tonight and think about some of the points you raise. Have a good day and thanks again :-)

Pete

Ok. I enjoyed the story here - kept me reading for two chapters before I had to go out. I had no problems with the voice, the storyline or your writing ability. I have a couple of points which you might want to consider or just put down to just being my opinion as one reader:

Overall, I thought the first chapter could do with a bit of an edit to trim out uneeded words. You have a lot of great, atmospheric description but sometimes repeat. Small point when the dawn comes - you could say woken again, or just awoken? something odd about awoken again, might just be me.

Having read the first two chapters I was wondering 1. Why is he sitting around like he is when later he dashes off to deliver his message? What reason does he have to want to die so much? We don't know and he seems to have forgotten it once he's delivering the message.

You could trim the description of the dawn some I think, you have some repetition there. You could also trim the fight scene. It's very vivid and exciting make no mistake, but sometimes less is more - with maybe some variation of sentence length to mirrror the pace of the action. He wonders why the man attacked him. As a reader my first assumption (not knowing if there's been a battle and soldiers wandering about or something) that it's probably because he's a messenger and someone wants what he's carrying, but he doesn't seem to consider this.

You also say 'bloodshed and noise had existed in theis place for the briefest of moments...' but to the reader it seemed like quite a long time, so that jarred. I was then confused because he'd taken some very serious sword cuts - a sword could take off an arm - to his neck, shoulder, leg, arm, and yet once he gallops off to deliver the message, he seems happy to sit about passing them off as 'a stray branch' or sitting around eating in an inn or chatting to people. He'd be liable to bleed to death, or get blood poisoning. He would really need to get urgent medical help for wounds like those. Especially if it really was a 'rusty blade.'

As I said, a really enjoyble read that I want to read more of. I pointed out what jarred for me and you can ignore of course. Shall watchlist for now to read more.
Cariad.

Good pitch, worked for me.
Great m/c.
I enjoyed the conflict, it was written with imagination.
You have set a picture of the messengers surroundings extremely well. I feel I am there.
I give it 6 stars
Junetee(Four Corners)

I just joined authonomy, so please forgive me if I mis-speak. That said, I absolutely love the mystery and intrigue of this story and would definitely read more. You have created a main character that I can care about. However, I find the dialogue just a bit stiff at times (perhaps that is normal in your environment), and it could be overlooked, but the "romantic" side of the Horseman does not seem to develop well. That, also, could be overlooked, as it is secondary to the story, unless the story wraps up with a romantic climax. Otherwise, love the story! Well done.

Hi there,
Welcome to Authonomy and please never worry about writing your opinion, it's important to know you can 'speak' freely. I think you are right about the romantic side of the main character. I have created him to be someone who has never been close to a woman, has never known a mother, and so is very poor at recognising feelings for someone of the opposite sex. Towards the end of the novel this is revisited a little. Thank you so much for your feedback!

I just joined authonomy, so please forgive me if I mis-speak. That said, I absolutely love the mystery and intrigue of this story and would definitely read more. You have created a main character that I can care about. However, I find the dialogue just a bit stiff at times (perhaps that is normal in your environment), and it could be overlooked, but the "romantic" side of the Horseman does not seem to develop well. That, also, could be overlooked, as it is secondary to the story, unless the story wraps up with a romantic climax. Otherwise, love the story! Well done.

The Horseback Messenger
Fiction, historic fiction 3rd person POV

I've read the prologue and most of Ch 1 and will comment to that extent.

This is a compelling read and I look forward to returning to read more of it. The pace is very quick with a strong start - begining with the MC fighting for his life.

The energy in this novel is engaging and pulls the reader along. The MC is strongly characterized. I think the MS would benefit from dropping the narrative voice.

The mechanics; I think there were several missing commas, but I tend to overuse them. There were some sentences that would have been better broken into 2, they ran on. The word Horse, I think isn't a proper name so shouldn't be upper case, though it might be intended. I was a little confused in the begining. If the MC is drunken, perhaps it is a stretch to be able to fight so effectively. Also, I didn't follow how he went from being on the verge of commiting suicide and suddenly fighting someone. If he had his own sword at his throat, why didn't he have it in his hand? It just seemed a little jumbled and confusing.

I love the subject matter and intend to read more. If you have time, would you take a look at Echo and let me know what you think? Thanks!

Raechel
Echo

Hi Peter, welcome to the site. You'll read some great books here. Everyone is so talented, and they are all really nice.
I'm really enjoying reading your book. I love history, particularly Tudor and Victorian, so I'm pleased to see it on site. Your book has a great leading character and you describe the time well. I love the interaction between Thomas and his horse, Tempest. Just one or two blimps; You use capital letters in the wrong places (like Horse for instance) and when Thomas is conteplating killing himself you say his sword hilt is resting in earth as he presses his chest against the blade, yet when he is being attacked, his sword is still attached to his horse; It maybe that he was dreaming that he was pressing against his sword, and that it was really still attatched to his horse, but it might help to make it a little clearer. Also, you need to use more full stops to break the sentences up a little. This is just my opinion, and the typos don't distract from what is an excellent m/s. Good Luck with it,
Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE.

Hi Kate,
Thank you so much for taking time to read a few chapters of my novel, feedback seems so hard to get and I cannot tell you how pleased I am to hear your opinion. I have definitely got some issues in there and capitalisation is something I am working towards resolving, and your point about the sword hilt is bang on, I did not make it clear and I will do so. I hope you have a lovely day, you have brightened mine up for sure.
Pete

Hi Peter, welcome to the site. You'll read some great books here. Everyone is so talented, and they are all really nice.
I'm really enjoying reading your book. I love history, particularly Tudor and Victorian, so I'm pleased to see it on site. Your book has a great leading character and you describe the time well. I love the interaction between Thomas and his horse, Tempest. Just one or two blimps; You use capital letters in the wrong places (like Horse for instance) and when Thomas is conteplating killing himself you say his sword hilt is resting in earth as he presses his chest against the blade, yet when he is being attacked, his sword is still attached to his horse; It maybe that he was dreaming that he was pressing against his sword, and that it was really still attatched to his horse, but it might help to make it a little clearer. Also, you need to use more full stops to break the sentences up a little. This is just my opinion, and the typos don't distract from what is an excellent m/s. Good Luck with it,
Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE.

Hi, I've just backed your book. Perhaps, you could return the compliment and back mine, The British Viking. If you do, many thanks
Best wishes,
John.

A strong first chapter with all the elements of a good story: a hero at odds with himself, adventure, intrigue, mystery. " A storm in a cup", indeed, but who will be the one to drink it? I also like the psychological struggles of the main character ("I fight myself") rippling through the undercurrent in the larger conflict. It always makes it more interesting for the reader to develop the story on more than one level. A nice strong plot.

Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

Welcome to Authonomy , I know the feeling - it seems very confusing , but you'll soon find your sealegs ,and one thing I'll tell you, it can be an absolutely fascinating experience , I'll say no more , you'll find out for yourself. Looking at your MS I think its best to start with the date, to give people a chance to orientate themselves - this is what I usually do - in other words before the opening paragraph. I think the description of the attack is very effective , the more so for being long drawn out , you need to put the audience on the rack , authors often tend to be too brief and miss the chance to build up tension (this is the kind of thing I'm guilty of).I've only read the first chapter , so I'll come back to you with more feedback , if you wish.I wonder if you would be kind enough to take a look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' ,which is about Pirates in the 17th century ,best wishes, Strachan Gordon. On my watchlist.

Your beginning has a lot going for it. You orient us and then get right into vivid action. I love the lines: "I have nothing." He muttered to the wind that rattled past his sun dried face. And the last line of chapter one is a good hook. I'll pop back for more and will rate then.
Welcome.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi John,
Thank you for your feedback, it is much appreciated. I have only just joined the community and will spend some time this weekend orienting myself. I have noticed Walk to Paradise Garden and will check it out over the coming days. Thanks,
Pete

very good book- you use brilliant dialogue to help 'paint' your character. this is helped with flowing narrative...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Your beginning has a lot going for it. You orient us and then get right into vivid action. I love the lines: "I have nothing." He muttered to the wind that rattled past his sun dried face. And the last line of chapter one is a good hook. I'll pop back for more and will rate then.
Welcome.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

I very much enjoy historical fiction and this is no exception. Well done and on my shelf! Henry