Dark Origins

YARG review:
This is a fast-paced, entertaining read, with a great heroine who will appeal to young readers. Your pitch is excellent, drawing the reader in, and I love the idea of a female superhero. This is a real page-turner, well written and engaging. There's just the right balance of dialogue and description, and the mystery surrounding the heroine's background is intriguing.'Dark Origins' is sure to be a hit with teens. Great stuff- a high rating from me.
Emma

I saw your thread on the forum and decided to take a look. Wow. This is an impeccable example of YA - a protagonist SO MUCH better than those in the current culture. You don't write "down" to them in any way, and you're able to create a true atmosphere kids will love, and yet the text is intelligent. One big key to your success is the pacing, which keeps the eyes moving forward, with just a bit of pause to know Joy, to get inside her for a moment. Brava. Lovely. I'll have you on my shelf.
Lizzi
God of Wine

Amazing work!
Pitch, title, and cover are perfect.
I love this superhero girl idea. There aren't too many with girls in them. This one I really like.
You write it so well you can see it as if it were on tv. It has great images.
It flows at a good pace.
Your characters develop also very well.
I want to read more later.
What I've read is really well done.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

YARG Review!

Heck yes! I girl who kicks butt! What YA (and adult) wouldn't love this story?! Miss Justice is a great character and despite being a teenage superhero, you really give a real feel to her through your writing, which I think will help readers relate to her more. What I think is great about this story is we have so many of these movie remakes on old superheroes, which are great and all, but instead of recycling old Spiderman or Batman stories again and again, you've come up with something new, fresh, young, and exciting for a new generation!

Great job, and simply awesome!

-Lexx (Mrs_Gresh)

Noelle,

Honestly, when it comes to books I don't usually read action, I'm more into the paranormal. But this book is like a lot of the anime I watch, and I have to say... I loved reading action. It's a lot better than watching it, I really got caught up in the story. It kinda reminded me of Batman... only better, because it's about a teenage girl.

This book is awesome!

I love it!
XD

Great story! Happy to put this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

YARG review
Okay, folks, let's make sure this one keeps moving up the charts. This is an excellent read and a marvelous story for young people. The action is intense and the characters are well developed. Joy, Miss Justice, is a true heroine but also a very lovely teenager. The other characters: Maxwell and Anna, Joy's Guardians; Charlie, Joy's love interest; even Tony, the rough bartender and Carolyn Adams, Joy's doctor; are all characters whom you come to love. I was especially delighted with Ella's inclusion of Desna in her story - I am partial to huskies.
nit-pic: back in Chapter one, did you mean to write, ""Maxwell ...silently, not responding to - but Joy..." I didn't quite know what to make of the dash and couldn't figure out what you meant to say. But that is just nit-picking! Your book is outstanding for its genre and, if published (as I hope it will be), it should be a hit with adolescents and young adolescents every where. Here's hope for it to be published...and 6 stars

YARG review
Okay, folks, let's make sure this one keeps moving up the charts. This is an excellent read and a marvelous story for young people. The action is intense and the characters are well developed. Joy, Miss Justice, is a true heroine but also a very lovely teenager. The other characters: Maxwell and Anna, Joy's Guardians; Charlie, Joy's love interest; even Tony, the rough bartender and Carolyn Adams, Joy's doctor; are all characters whom you come to love. I was especially delighted with Ella's inclusion of Desna in her story - I am partial to huskies.
nit-pic: back in Chapter one, did you mean to write, ""Maxwell ...silently, not responding to - but Joy..." I didn't quite know what to make of the dash and couldn't figure out what you meant to say. But that is just nit-picking! Your book is outstanding for its genre and, if published (as I hope it will be), it should be a hit with adolescents and young adolescents every where. Here's hope for it to be published...

DARK ORIGINS

Hi Noelle.

I love the super-hero theme here. Running from the police—that’s such a classic way to start. Miss Justice—love the name you picked for her. Read the first two chapters, and I’ve enjoyed your imaginative world and characters so far.

Mechanics-wise, I like the way you use italics to convey internalization—your MC’s thoughts. You use it well. You also have some great details in here. I particularly like your paragraph after your hook where you’ve given us a taste of the environment—the hot, possibly humid summer air and the sweat on your character’s skin. You pull us right into the action from the beginning. You do a great job of revealing details about the environment and what the character looks like in rhythm with the moment, a little bit at a time, instead of taking us out of the action to give us a full picture. This is very effective for keeping us intrigued.

Loved the description of the motorbike. Great detail there.

Lots of cool technology makes your worldbuilding interesting. I like it.

For suggestions, I feel like there’s something going on in your prose that makes it a little loose, and I’m doing my best to put my finger on it. I’m wondering if maybe some of the language you use could be a little tighter, and by tighter I mean this. For example, we learn on the motorbike that this girl is a teenager. Then we learn that she’s a vigilante. You could streamline this in one way by calling her a “teenage vigilante,” and streamline it yet again by perhaps cuing us into this as close to the beginning of the story as possible. At the point you introduce her being a “vigilante,” while it’s not necessarily off to refer to her this way, we kind of already know that’s what she is because she’s clearly “Miss Justice” now, and calling her a vigilante isn’t really new information at this point. If you told us at the beginning she’s a teenage vigilante, then revealed she’s Miss Justice, that might be a tidier way to reveal things, I’m thinking.
Also, you might try ordering words differently within the sentences, and cutting out some more of your adverbs. You don’t use a lot of adverbs, but I found the sentence: “…keeping time with her feet slapping the roof swiftly” a little awkward, for example (particularly the “swiftly”).
Just some thoughts. I hope you find some of this helpful.

I like Maxwell, too. I think the fact that he has a little bit of a Southern accent made me intrigued by him. You’ve introduced a couple of interesting characters here, and I felt like I connected with them enough in the chapter to really feel curious about where they will go and what we will encounter next in the story.

I felt like chapter 2 was a little more solid. You have a lot of detail on how she built her hideout in the beginning. It might be nice to condense that into one neat paragraph, or to weave it through other things in the chapter to break it up a little more, but I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and it’s very creative.

Again, love all the little details. The Siberian husky dog was a great touch. Love how you introduce one new character at a time—you’re so good with characterization. I enjoyed meeting Anna, too. You have a way of making all of your characters feel meaningful so far, no matter the size of their role.

To sum it up, you have a very imaginative story, and you’re great with characters and the little details. I enjoyed this introduction to the world of your teenage super hero, Miss Justice.

Wishing you luck with school and writing, and hoping some of my comments might be helpful to you. It was a pleasure to read.

Sarah E.S.
Destiny of Species

YARG review:
This is a fast-paced, entertaining read, with a great heroine who will appeal to young readers. Your pitch is excellent, drawing the reader in, and I love the idea of a female superhero. This is a real page-turner, well written and engaging. There's just the right balance of dialogue and description, and the mystery surrounding the heroine's background is intriguing.'Dark Origins' is sure to be a hit with teens. Great stuff- a high rating from me.
Emma

YARG:
I like the concept of the book and the writing is really crisp. Plot barrels ahead, though, at the expense of character development. I want to know how Joy made the leap from crime victim to vigilante. We infer that it's tied to the disappearance of her parents but we don't get to see how she went from being one from the other. How did she train? Develop the technology she used? Divert resources to creating her network of tunnels?

I don't think a lot needs to be added but doing so early on will help us care more about Joy and what she's trying to accomplish.

Hope that's helpful!

Melissa

Hello Noelle, firstly I'd like to congratulate you for coming up with such a wonderful, different idea for a book. I read up to Chapter 5. It's not my sort of genre, however, you have certainly captured your readers in wanting to uncover the mystery behind Miss Justice. Your flow of story telling is done with ease and you thought well upon the scenes, even though every bit of me wanted to find out more, I just don't have the time at this stage.
I wish you all the best and I think this book will certainly appeal to young adults. Well done, :) Salwa.

I very much like your knew cover!
:-)
Shelby Z./Driving Winds

YARG

Hi Noelle,

Just thought I’d check out your book. I’m glad I did. This was a pleasure to read. It’s well-written, with a good pace and a story that you just want to keep reading. I only intended to read the first four chapters and instead I read to chapter 8.

I found a few small issues, which I’ve pointed out below. Most are just typos.

Long pitch

1) ‘Gallenger’
should be ‘Gallanger’

Ch 1

1) ‘turning to the sound of running feet the figure turned.’
I don’t quite follow this. If you remove ‘the figure turned.’ It would read fine.

2) ‘out into the open. Reaching into the shadows’
It seems a little opportune that the motorbike was right there. Perhaps she could move a distance first? eg ‘out into the open and walked swiftly past several buildings before halting beside a familiar brick façade. Reaching into the shadows’

3) ‘not responding to’
remove ‘to’

4) ‘halfway down steps’
should be ‘halfway down ‘the’ steps’

Ch 2

1) ‘that been abandoned’
should be ‘that had been abandoned’

2) ‘tracks tunnels’
should be ‘track’s tunnels’

3) ‘mystery she that’
should be ‘the mystery that she’

4) ‘Anna Copperton knelt beside Joy’
But four paragraphs earlier you say ‘She stood with a groan’, so Joy’s standing.

5) ‘Joy rose to her feet’
As above

6) ‘were draw to’
should be ‘were drawn to’

7) ‘climbed it easy’
should be ‘climbed it easily’

8) ‘blip of the screen’
should be ‘blip on the screen’

Ch 3

1) ‘to part his car’
should be ‘to park his car’

2) ‘spun round in a ninety-degree turn’
I can’t quite visualize what’s happening here. She was heading towards the police and then she cuts directly across in front of the traffic. But two paragraphs further on she’s travelling against the traffic. When did she make another turn? Or should the ninety degrees be 180 degrees?

Ch 4

Nothing that I noticed.

Ch 5

1) ‘taught to be cautious’
should be ‘taught her to be cautious’


Ch 6

1) ‘they would laugh’
would they laugh or be shocked/surprised? ‘laugh’ makes it sound as though they would think it a joke, yet if either side knew who she really was I think they would be stunned.

Ch 7

1) ‘cut on her cheek. she dashed down’
‘she’ should be ‘She’ but I think the whole thing would sound better if you put a comma after ‘cheek’ and removed ‘she’ completely.

Ch 8

1) ‘necklace to funeral’
should be ‘necklace to the funeral’

2) ‘I’ve can’t find her’
Should be ‘I can’t find her’

3) ‘she help herself’
should be ‘she held herself’

This is a very engaging story that draws the reader in quickly and makes you want to keep turning the pages. It’s the sort of story that my youngest daughter would love to read. Well done with this.

Sue

While I only have time for one chapter, I find the foundation you've laid here very promising. Joy seems like a great heroine - especially nowadays, where female leads in teen novels tend to be very lackluster. I enjoy your take on the 'superhero' genre. It's fresh and new, unique in today's YA market. I'll return to read more when I have the time. Great job!

- Hogarth Hughes

YARG review & reading swap (take your time!)
Hi Noelle,
this is Batman for girls!! ABOUT TIME!! Brilliant, I loved it. Miss Justice comes across very well, her personality, determination and seriousness. It's exciting, pacy and kinda sexy (in a Catwoman-age-appropriate-way of course).
I absolutely love the cover and wanted to read it on that basis alone. But the title is also great and the pitches are perfect.
I like the storyline about her parents, it give her moral stance a strong emotional justification and makes her seem less of an annoying do-gooder, which she just might do without it. So it's all very well thought out and tightly plotted.
Would love to add some more constructive crit, but there were no major (or minor) problems in chps 1-3. Unfortunately I have three boys, but if this ever gets published I will quite happily hand it out to every girl I know. Highly starred by me.
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

YARG review!

Hi Captain - thanks so much for backing me I really appreciate it.

This is lots of fun. I enjoyed it and found it very easy to read. As other people have said there aren't that many well known superhero books around though I imagine that there are a whole load of tie-ins to certain characters and of course endless fan-fiction all over forums.

I've only read the first two chapters so far but I'm asking myself what makes your book different. Especially in chapter one you introduce very little that verges away from the Batman origin story. Whilst it's true that your character is a teenage girl there are plenty of teen-girl superheroes, even if they are often sidekicks - best of all being Hit Girl from Kick Ass! What I think you should focus on therefore are the more teenage parts of her personality to distinguish her from the traditional superheroes. - Does she go to school? Date boys / worry about not having time to or the interest to date. These kind of things. I wanted more psychology from her - which isn't to say she has to be made more stereotypically feminine for the sake of her not being like Batman.

Overall the opening works well but I wondered why you started off with an anti-climactic piece of action. All she does is hide from the police and go home. Couldn't you have her concluding a case / having a fight/ escaping or not managing to catch a villain - something tantalising to hook us from the start?

For me the best part was the introduction to the main narrative/ detective plot at the end of the second chapter - Why not go straight into this - it really got me interested and I hope to come back to it soon. I'd appreciate you returning the read whenever you have time

here are my close observations...

Her skin was hot and damp with sweat as her feet SWIFTLY slapped the roof. - Or get rid of “swiftly” altogether.
Turning to the sound of running feet the figure turned. – two turns!
THE FIGURE TURNED to the sound of running feet. – better?
answered, a soft Southern NOTE rounding his words. – to avoid the repetition of tone
It was in her eyes, reflected in the sapphire—a suggestion that all was not as it seemed. = sentence not at all clear – what sapphire?
never-ending

I’m not crazy about the name Miss Justice as “miss” as a prefix often denotes negation it sounds like she’s against justice or the punch line to a bad joke. Also – in terms of super heroes – there is already the Justice League, couldn’t you come up with something more striking and original?
I’m not clear on the role of Maxwell – is he her butler? Her assistant? Her master? How do they come to be together –I’m interested but not rewarded with answers.
If only it would stop reminding people of another nocturnal figure. – I guess you’re alluding to batman but there are two problems with this – 1) are you suggesting this is the same universe as Gotham. 2) Why would you want to draw attention to the similarities between your own work and an existing one. Are you trying to appear unoriginal?

From the first night Joy had become the vigilante, SCPD - ( delete MISS JUSTICE – we know who she becomes)
Heavy knock / wide eyes / low voices / bare feet / small hand – too many single beat adjectives in a row are jarring – I’d get rid of WIDE eyes at least as it doesn’t have much sense in this context anyway. Oh and BARE feet too – better just “feet”.

CH 2
years. It had been sheer luck that SHE had discovered it.
– if there’s no one else around it’s unnecessary to keep putting her name. SHE is much less obtrusive than JOY.

Throughout her career as Miss Justice, Joy had rebuilt parts of the tunnels, constructed the opening beneath the waterfall, cleaned out the spacious cavern, and moved her equipment down, making it into a suitable hideout for her alter-ego.
- sounds like she’s achieved rather a lot in 2 years for a 14-16 year old who spends every night fighting crime. We’ve lived in the same house for 30 years and only just finished the kitchen 
The tracks ran for miles underneath the city. Joy had followed each of the TUNNELS, and had discovered that there were three major ROUTES,

“They’ve made it publicly official,”= public or official, both sounds weird.
I’ve never seen THIS m.o. before.” (delete “type of”)
Her eyes were DRAWN to the large hole in the roof.

I like the brother and sister helpers – they’re the first thing to distinguish this from Batman.

She climbed it EASILY and reached the roof.
Pieces of rope? – I think it's typical to italicise a character's thoughts.

best wishes

Benedict

Hi Noelle,
I just finished chapter 2 and I think the story is great, it engages the reader quickly and the pace is good and smooth.
My one nit pick is that a lot of the paragraphs start with Joy's name (and Maxwell's, but not as much.) It feels a little like it is being narrated. I don't know if that makes sense. I think you could make the action stronger. For instance, The traffic was was heavy. Finding the van amid the noise and confusion was not a possibility.

Still, I like the female crime fighter so I am looking forward to reading more!
Thanks!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Dear Noelle

I have read three chapters of "Dark Origins". What a story!! Your writing is tense, with tight, atmospheric descriptions and observation. Excellent use of detail for realism, depth and context. Your plot is not exactly original, but your writing is punchy, bright and it sparkles! Goodness, so bright.

You have set up Joy's secret life really well, with clever basics - I love the underground railway - and small touches to add realism, like using all the water until the tank was emptied. How many people would consider such a detail mattered? But it does, because it makes the whole story feel grounded in truth.

I love the loyal retainers, the dog, the way that Joy solves crime. It all works so beautifully. Wow! If this is YA fiction, can I have some? I think the appeal is fairly universal, to be honest. Why limit your market? There is no need. Honestly.

All the best.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Dark Origins
Noelle,
I read the first ten chapters.
As I mentioned to you earlier, this is the first time that I have read a proper book about superheroes- plenty of movies, shows and comics, but this is the first book. So for me this is very refreshing and new, although people who have read this sub-genre before may have stronger opinions.  
My sense is that this is such a coveted subgenre that you will be given a great bit of flexibility, and that it is bound to do well with its fan base. The fact that you have a female superhero is an added plus. 
My crits are mostly about background and ambiance, which may pose a difficulty if you have written a lot of material around it, so please take it with a grain of salt.
There is something wonderfully campy about superhero stories, and I like them campy (The Tick is my favourite, but also Batman). I am not sure reading these first few chapters how seriously you take Ms Justice, and, except for the name, which is wonderfully campy, I would almost want you to get a bit more silly sometimes. Not a lot, mind- there is a very subtle balance that needs to be established between the serious and campy elements. But I feel some subtle things could be done, particularly with her teenage alter ego, to make sure that we are all having fun. You have her as serious loner. This is good for her character development, but does make her a a bit austere. Perhaps a silly scene with her dog, or being rather upset about a broken nail (she could mine those more than gun wounds, for example)  could add to the campyness.  Mind I am not suggesting you turn this into a comedy book, just that you make sure we don't take it very seriously. More fun that way, even for YA.
As I mentioned to you earlier, your heroine will almost inevitably be compared to Batman. There are a lot of similarities (billionaire, orphan, no powers, butler helper, cool gadget, cave-like entrance (you said you removed the waterfal) underground lair...) this means that she will be compared to him at every turn. I think you need to recognise this fact a bit more and own it- either by being explicit about her modelling, or by being even more campy (not sure you want to go there) or differentiating a lot more. Methinks that if you have already built a long series, the third will be difficult, but the first two will make sense. Again, I think you can get a lot more humorous with this and attract a larger audience without loosing your core.
I think that your MC is well developed, again, with the cultural similarities mentioned earlier. You took care to show her in and out of action, at home and at a party. Your writing is good for the genre, exciting and fast pace, but detailed enough to give a rich sense of feeling.
With the plot I did feel that the detective story in these few chapters was a bit unsuperhero like for her. However, it hooked well enough, and I felt that you would speed up later.
All in all, I think that this is a good introduction to your series, but could use a bit more crafting. 
I will read more and comment further as time allows.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

YARG Review. This is a book I backed. Reasons: a heroine who male readers might accept as well as female; a good pace; originality and a huge whiff of Batman for reminiscence. I think, though, that Joy has to be assumed by the authorities to be much older than she is, and the readers need to know how she gained her muscle and fighting prowess. It's important to be believable even within this fantasy playout.

The gym equipment she has at her hideout is obviously quite large so you need to describe the setting more clearly. It could have been a cave or a hostel. We do need to have a clear picture of where Joy hides out and keeps safe, exits, entrances, concealed appearance etc.


I think it's well suited to your YA audience. It was a good idea to hook them with the mystery surrounding Joy's parents.

Descritpions were good: "often sideways and always cocky" re- smiles but you need more of them to enhance the pacey action.

A good, quick read and in large print it could encourage reluctant readers in. This in itself makes it a worthy novel. Well done.

Hey Noelle,

I thought I commented on this before-oh no! Anyways, so far I'm in chapter nine and I completely love it. Miss Justice is probably the coolest chick I've read about. I love that she's the complete opposite of what the ideal superhero is (A big strong middle aged man with a muscular frame). Instead she's a sixteen year old girl with something to prove. I love her internal struggles and how she always finds herself breaking the law instead of reinforcing it.

Her dog is so corky and funny. I wish he had a bigger role. I loved how he kicks her out of the bed making her sleep on the floor. One of my favorite scenes has to be the police chase. Although it confused why they would be shooting during rush hour. Who the heck trained them? :D I only found one little typo at the bar scene. Instead of using man, you used men although I'm pretty sure it was one person that was sent to the ground by Miss Justice's fist.

When I read the pitch, it reminded me a lot of Batman (an undercover millionaire with no supernatural powers just handy tools and cool tricks.) I used to love reading DC comics when I was little and this definitely had that vibe (minus the excessive violence and creepy villains).

I'm not sure if I read over it by accident but what exactly happened to Joy's parents? Are they still alive? I know you mentioned they're "missing" in the pitch.

Anyways, I'll keep reading! Loving it so far! :)

Hi Noelle,
I'm here as promised to return the single chapter read. Your story is solid. The only questionable thing I saw was the second to last line. I know it's a flashback scene but I still think it should say "The unthinkable had happened." This way, if her parents had been kidnapped or are missing or dead, or whatever, something still has happened and is not in the process of happening. If I'm wrong, ignore this remark. I really liked the description of Miss Justice's costume and how you worked in some characterization through this description that goes beyond the duds. For example, it gave you a chance to show us that your character is self-conscious about being likened to more famous metropolitan heroes, which added a dab of dimension and humor.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Hi Noelle, as promised, a read swap. Firstly, I think you write really well for your market. I gave it to my 14 year old (daughter) to read and she thoroughly enjoyed what she read. She's your market so what better recommendation. I think you've pitched it at the right level so that it doesn't patronise but equally isn't written in a way that is too adult for a YA to grasp. The pace is good, not so slow that they are back on Facebook or too fast that they are, well, back on Facebook! If I have one tiny criticism, it would be with the first chapter. I felt the opening lines were a little confusing - I wasn't entirely sure where she was, and also the repetition of the word 'she'. I absolutely understand what you are trying to do; you want to wait till the end of the chapter to introduce Miss Justice/Joy by name but I think it would really improve it if you trimmed the first bit down a little so you could dispense with a good few of the 'she's. I felt it started to jar by the end of the first chapter. Also, I felt the description of the bike's 'overall build' sounded a bit like a review and I think you could do just as well by saying 'the bike was small and light'. By the time I got to chapter 2 you had really hit your stride and so it continued from there on. Well written, pacy, good characterisation. It is so difficult to get YAs to keep reading and I feel with Miss Justice you might be on to something. She's a great character and gives you so much scope to develop the story/ the trilogy/the spin off tv show.

Really great stuff, Noelle. A whole constellation of stars for you and on my WL for future backing. I try to rotate each week to give all my favourite ones a chance.

Hope you enjoy La Vie en Rose as much as I have enjoyed this.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Noelle, you read and commented on Fade recently, and I'm here to return the favor. I read the first two chapters of Dark Origins. It is well written and has good pacing and flow. My problem with this is that I'm having trouble believing that without any supernatural abilities Joy would be able to become Miss Justice at the age of fourteen. Technology can only get you so far, and I just feel like there has to be something more as to how she is able to become a successful vigilante at that young age, plus why would Maxwell allow her to get started? Other than that there are a few descriptions that could be written a little clearer, like at the very beginning of chapter one when Joy is on the roof–'She ran to the corner...' That paragraph was a little confusing to me. Some of Joy's evidence gathering seemed a little amateur, with the way she brushes her fingertips across all kinds of evidence-why not take pictures and leave the evidence in tact for the police? Also, she climbed the fire escape to the roof, but didn't notice the imprints from the ladder on the ground below the fire escape until she was up there looking down. Wouldn't she have looked for that sort of thing while she was down there? These are just a few of my thoughts as I'm reading, and maybe some things about how she became a vigilante in the first place are explained later, but I'd like to have a few hints up front to make the storyline a little more plausible, and I think that even if Joy started out a little older it would still appeal to a wide teen age range. I would be more apt to believe if she was eighteen and got her start around sixteen without her guardians knowing about it. That is just me though. I wish you all the best with this.

Impressive pitch and idea. Going through it. On my WL will comment again after finishing the read.

YARG review.

I've read your first six chapters. It's lovely, easy-reading and I think it's perfectly suited to your YA audience. I really like how fast paced the story is and the mystery surrounding Joy's parents is intriguing.

In some ways it's a like other superhero stories (Joy even acknowledges this when she's thinking about her cape) but oddly I think that adds to it. I don't know why this doesn't make it predictable but it doesn't.

I don't think Joy as Miss Justice has any actual superpowers. Is that right? I was waiting for something to be revealed but other than her motorbike skills, I think she's normal. In the genre, is a super power the norm?

Like many of your other reviewers, I like that you've written a girl superhero (I was a bit bothered that she talks about Charlie "rescuing" her, although I suppose that was just rescue from conversation) and she's all the things you'd want her to be; brave, cocky and a bit damaged. I liked "often sideways and always cocky" when you described her smiles.

I noticed a couple of small mistakes. I'll put them here to be helpful, certainly not as criticism.

"Then Joy stopped short, halfway down steps..." Just think you need "halfway down the steps.."

"Who knows when knowing these things could come in handy." (Ch 6) Needs a question mark, even though it's an indirect thought sort of thing.

"With his thick blonde hair.." I think blond is without the e when referring to a man.

I didn't originally realise that Tony's was a bar, which made it confusing when she found a piece of paper with the address on it. I wondered how she recognised some man's home address. Although it is clear later that he's her informant and where he was so I wasn't confused for long.

I'd happily read more and I'll be shuffling my bookshelf with this in mind. I'd love to know what you think of Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon when you are next looking for something to YARG at.

Lucy

Although YA is not my genre I read two chapters and found your story entertaining. miss Justice a typical teenager yet we know she's special. Losing her parents I know she out to make the world right. Great imagery and dialogue. Well done
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

I am not sure how to review this work and please do not take offense by what I say. I am trying to be helpful and honest. First off, I found the writing to be very amateurish including simple sentences, addition of words that can be omitted, odd word choice, repetition of subjects and ideas, and weak development of description. In the first sentence, I was almost turned off by the first word. Having read many fantasy novels, I thought you meant sirens from Greek mythology. To clear that you could include the word 'police'.
The girl needs an introduction of her name and description early on. This would help visualize a, at the moment, one dimensional figure. You wait until later on to give her name and the use of 'she' over and over without substance gives emptiness to the first few paragraphs.
The action is quickly paced, which on one side is good and another bad. The first sentence of the second paragraph seems odd to me. There is a lot of running and turning. Perhaps provide details of what type of motorcycle she is riding, the color, the description of the people after her, her internal thoughts as her adrenaline is pumping, how she got to the roof of the building (I thought at first she was on a street but then suddenly she was jumping off a roof), the temperature, etc. Not to get you down, you have good description on some things such as the police not noticing her and passed by, but I feel it could be fleshed out more. I would like to know how she went so suddenly from an action-packed urban scene to a calm nature drive. "cutting-edge technology." omit available and finish the word tech. Also please explain what SPCD is. Some readers might have no clue what that is.
Characters are also introduced early and suddenly to the point where I have to back track and find out where this name came from.
I see much potential for the book, but as it is structured now I find it fails to grab attention and hold it. Detailed descriptions would help and a slower pace could still be filled with quick action. I hope this helps and not hurts. I commented with honesty. I may be rough but it does not mean I think you can't write. You write well. It just needs some polish.

A YARG Review!
Hello!
I thought this was very well written, perfectly pitched for older children/young teens. A great idea to have a female superhero when there are so many male ones around. I enjoyed the fast pace and I think the point of view you have chosen works well. Questions have been raised in the early chapters which leave the reader wondering what has happened in Joy's past to make her like she is. Great stuff. Well done! Highly starred.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Just took a peek at your writing -- very nice! You've got such a great handle on the genre. I imagine any Superhero fan would enjoy this. Keep writing!
Cheers,
Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

You are a very good writer. You have a very interesting and easy to read story and it flows perfectly. I like your character and want to read on to see how things turn out for her. I am very impressed. Highest stars. Lacy

I saw your thread on the forum and decided to take a look. Wow. This is an impeccable example of YA - a protagonist SO MUCH better than those in the current culture. You don't write "down" to them in any way, and you're able to create a true atmosphere kids will love, and yet the text is intelligent. One big key to your success is the pacing, which keeps the eyes moving forward, with just a bit of pause to know Joy, to get inside her for a moment. Brava. Lovely. I'll have you on my shelf.
Lizzi
God of Wine

I saw your thread on the forum and decided to take a look. Wow. This is an impeccable example of YA - a protagonist SO MUCH better than those in the current culture. You don't write "down" to them in any way, and you're able to create a true atmosphere kids will love, and yet the text is intelligent. One big key to your success is the pacing, which keeps the eyes moving forward, with just a bit of pause to know Joy, to get inside her for a moment. Brava. Lovely. I'll have you on my shelf.
Lizzi
God of Wine

I'm taking you up on your forum offer to swap reads. Read the first chapter and will read more later - however, writing is good, description excellent, and this looks like a YA read teens will like. High starring! ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

YARG- Hi, I'm new here. I read chapter one and would have read more, but I need to get off here and go to church now. The story is interesting, kept my eyes moving down the page. I like how Maxwell has this secret past. Having a girl who is the superhero is awesome. One thing though, you use the word 'shadow' four times in the first five paragraphs. Back when I was actually getting published and had an editor, I was told that you can't keep using the same word like that. It takes people out of the story. I know it did for me. After the first two times I kept waiting to see when it would show up again. After the first five paragraphs I don't think you used that word again, but it's too much too frequent. If you send this to an agent or an editor, I bet you they say the same thing. I know mine had a cow when I used the same word twice in adjoining sentences. Anyway, the story is good, and that was the only problem I saw. Just my opinion. Take it or leave it. :)

Oh yeah, and I loved the summary. It's hard to get those just right. I've been told that even professional editors have trouble writing summaries of books for the back covers. Good job!

YARG Review Number Three!

Well, Cap'n, I think the best praise I can give is that this is my benchmark for the Slinker stories. It's very well written, paced, the characters are people you can relate to, and it's just all-round excellent. It doesn't feel like a generic, recycled superhero story, it feels like something new and refreshing and well worth reading.

No, I don't think it's perfect, but I don't really care when I'm reading it.

Yes, I read it twice through.

Whoo! :D

Dave - The Chemo Diaries

Noelle,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to leave a comment! First, I’d just like to comment on your imagery. I think you do a really good job in details and little things that catch the reader’s attention. Immediately I felt part of what was happening. Second, I really like the way you write. Everything flows nicely and your characters are introduced at the right moments. There was only one awkward sentence I found, “His always spotless, his bowtie straight, his loyalty never ending.” It just seems a bit odd.
Regardless, I find your story fascinating and different from a lot of the other stories I’ve read. Great job. Highly starred.

Christine Rees
Spark

I read a little more today.
It is still a fantastic job of writing.
Best wishes.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Amazing work!
Pitch, title, and cover are perfect.
I love this superhero girl idea. There aren't too many with girls in them. This one I really like.
You write it so well you can see it as if it were on tv. It has great images.
It flows at a good pace.
Your characters develop also very well.
I want to read more later.
What I've read is really well done.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

YARG Review II Review :)

You have a great idea going here. Give young adult readers something else besides female slayers to look up to :) Miss Justice is focused and doesn't need saving because she can clearly take care of herself in a fight.
Two things: I have to admit that while I was reading I felt a bit distanced from Joy. And I wasn't sure if you intended to narrate from omniscient third or a limited third point of view. If it's supposed to be limited, there's some head hopping going on in the first few chapters. (I'm guilty of this too:) Some nice commentators pointed it out so I could fix). And if its supposed to be omniscient, perhaps a little more head hopping from Maxwell and his sister and Tony could draw a reader in more intimately to Joy.

oh and Love your cover!

Eden

This clever tale is a retelling of Batman in the form of a superheroine. Miss Justice is rich, acrobatic, and drives a motorcycle at speeds exceeding the TGV.

As generations of Batman readers have grown up, so has the Batman legend, becoming too adult for younger readers. This story makes it accessible to anyone, especially young girls.

Joy's mouthier than the taciturn Batman, but he was probably more verbose when he was a teen. She has lots of toys and her faithful Maxwell and Anna, who try to keep her out of trouble.

It's a fun read and I back it for all the young girls looking for a heroine.

I love the idea of your book. There may be more out there like it but I have never seen them. It’s like reading a super cool comic book for adults. You have an amazing gift for painting vivid images with the written word. You smooth dialogue make it an easy and believable read. Thanks so much for the opportunity to look at it, great job. Very original!

A BHCG review. If I come across as overly harsh at any point, please blame my BPD-driven inner perfectionistic editor. She’s mean but she means well.

Pitches: I like your SP very much. Your LP has been worked on recently (I seem to remember reading it recently in one of the many “pitch” threads). It tells me what I need to know but I’m not keen on some of the wording (I’d use “become” instead of “became Miss Justice”). It’s the paragraph about Jonas Thompson that jars with me the most.

Opening: I’m not a fan of opening with a moving shadow, but this is a child/YA book so you can probably get away with it. This has been tightened considerably since I first saw it on the Agents thread. However, two sentences starting with “At” are off-putting, however much I like the line about “blue and brass”. Also watch your repetition of “the figure” in the second paragraph. And your third paragraph (“But shadows rarely give answers to befuddled men”) makes no sense given the sentence preceding it. It only makes sense if they’ve questioned the shadow, which they haven’t. I suspect you’ve cut something from here.

Characters/characterisation: I’m finding it hard to get a real handle on Joy. I don’t know if this is a deliberate way of writing, to suit the age (telling rather than showing), but I’m flagging after 9 chapters and I have no real idea who Joy is or why she’s doing what she’s doing (or why Maxwell and Anna are letting her do it). You’re trying to keep the mystery surround her parents’ death, and I hope there’s a really good reason for it. With this kind of story, it actually helps to have an explanation earlier rather than later (think about Batman and Spiderman).

Pace: Slow going for me. A lot of description of where she is (the escape tunnels being old water pipes) and not a heap of action. You start with a rooftop chase, then a motorbike jumping over the bridge…and that’s about it. There was no real action or mystery regarding the robbery, and I felt no tension when the police started shooting her. I do wonder why on earth she’s riding around town in her costume in broad daylight, but that’s an aside.

Dialogue: I haven’t noticed any issues with this.

Sentence structure/grammar etc: On the whole, good. Some of the sentences are short but that’s fine for this market.

Originality/Publishability: I have no idea. I can’t say it’s original from what I’ve read, as the basis of most well-known comic book heroes/heroines is similar to your opening chapters. If Miss Justice is to be seen as different from Batman or Spiderman, you might need to put some stronger hints of this earlier on.

Specific points: When describing Maxwell, you say “his always spotless”…his always spotless what? Also in this section, you jump from Joy’s POV to Maxwell’s, purely for one line about him wanting to see her smile more. It’s head-hopping and it’s unnecessary for such a brief view (it happens here and there throughout the chapters I read). I don’t like the line in the flashback about “stared at the sight that met her eyes with the curiosity of a seven year old”. It almost sounds like she’s staring at a curious seven year old….

In Chapter 2: you describe Joy taking off her costume in the bunker, but then Anna picks up her “alter-egos” clothes from the bedroom floor. I doubt Joy would carry such an incriminating costume into the house to be washed.

I saw a few more typos, but I don’t like pointing them all out as some authors object. My main issue throughout the book was the way you jump rapidly between “Joy” and “Miss Justice”, often using one for one sentence and the other for the next. Does Joy think of herself as Miss Justice when in “costume”? Or when she has to distance herself from what she’s doing? You could use this very effectively to add some more character to Joy, but as it stands it sometimes reads like she’s an unsuccessful split personality.

That probably sounds entirely negative, but I hope you take it in the sense it’s meant. I like the idea; I think kids will like the idea. I just think it needs some work to pick up the pace a bit and make the character more real.

Noelle,
The writing has promise. You use techniques such as pathetic fallacy with a skill that belies the difficulty. However you have quite a few spelling errors and repeat words more than once in the same sentence/paragraph. For example, motorcycle twice.
We like the idea, we are sure it will find it's niche and obviously you have a following.

Yvette and Richard
Resurrected

Wowah, Noelle!

There are so many times that decorum causes me to bite my tongue and not express how I really feel about the books that I read on this site. Here, that is not even remotely an issue. This is amazing, plain and simple. The prolific volume of your books and the quality of your writing bears witness that you are truly a prodigy.

In a way, this reminds me of The Incredibles, in that it appeals to an audience which far transcends the intended demographic. Although this is YA, it has an appeal that is fun to read at any age. The pitch is enticing because it lays out a fun and even redemptive plot-taking a character who would normally be perceived as despicable and making her a superhero.

Congratulations. I know it is only a matter of time before the right people discover your amazing gift.

James

Great character descriptions, flowing dialog, and gripping plot. 'its like batman's younger sister'-Dave.
very fitting.

very good writing. you tell us whatls happening very clearly and skillfully from the start...a touching and enjoyable story...
...and l will back...
read SEASONS...

I decided to give this a read as it looked interesting. I have read the first chapter and like everyone else it certainly feels like this is batmans daughter, or something like that. This makes it too familiar to me and I like original and unique. However it is something that YA would enjoy, and it would be good for getting teens familiar with such stories. I have rated it on the latter because I love superheroes and anything that does them 'justice' makes me like it, even if personally I'm not drawn into the story itself. You write well and the structure is good too, so kudos on the style.
If you have the time some feedback on my work would be so helpful.
Best of luck with your story.

Steven

Hi Noelle,

I’m revisiting Dark Origins for another YARG review. Picking back up at chapter four, I was impressed with your ability to keep the story moving at a consistently quick pace. You leave no room for the reader's mind to wander, even when there’s not a lot of action necessarily going on. You fill the story with background or descriptions or thoughts. A wonderful tactic.
Chapter 4

I liked the tension between the heavy-set thug and Joy. Great characterization, and as Joy drove away, I couldn’t help wonder if Tony was as loyal as she believed him to be. Even if he proves to be on the up and up, the doubt serves to add even more tension.

“Joy briskly brushed herself off. “You saw that, did you(?)” Need a question mark at the end.

Chapter 5
Once again, you spice up the story with a fast chase. Loved the escape route. And it does seem Tony is an all right guy.
This (is) guy has a record longer than my arm.

Chapter 6

A brand-new scene and a different glimpse into the high-end lifestyle that Joy seems to take to easily. Then in walks the tall and handsome friend, Charlie. The dialogue between friends is fun and very natural and adds even more spark to the story. You lead the reader into thinking that maybe, just maybe Joy will encounter a shifty character who moves in and out of high society and the crime scene just as easily as Joy.

I noticed you move in and out of Joy‘s point of view and into Charlie’s and Anna‘s (at the end) You might want to be consistent and stay in Joy’s view point.

“I (‘ll) see you later then. Don’t wait up for me.”

So once again, I am really impressed with your writing. You have developed a story that has appeal for the young adult, as well as a mom like me. This is something I would be pleased to know my kids are filling their minds with - good, wholesome entertainment!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I wish I was Joy :(

The crime, action and energy of this book is wonderful. Miss Justice is a wonderful character, and though I was initially sceptical I got into the book very, very quickly and couldn't put it down! There is a very Batman-esque feel about it, but the characters still remain their own entities.
On to the next one!

Johanna

this is a really unique book to read, i dont think ive read something like this before. your description is a clearly your strong point. you describe the action so well, it's almost like watching a movie. a couple things i think you could work on a bit is maybe adding more dialogue. the first chapter was very description heavy and sometimes it benefits a book to have a little more dialogue. another thing was i found your introduction to be a little confusing. i had to read things a couple times before i got what was going on. other than that, a promising read.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

YARG review.

First off, totally down for superheroes. Ultimate Spiderman fan over here.

That said, on with the show. The opening was a little confusing due to some head-hopping. Are we in the police officers' POV or the figure's? We start off in the figures, but then switch to the officers' when the figure drops out of sight.

I'd be careful referencing the police as hunters, because in this genre they really could be hunters, bounty or otherwise. Just a word choice thing with that.

When we receive our presumed protagonist's name, it raises the question "does she call herself Joy or Miss Justice in her mind?" She could very well call herself Miss Justice, but bouncing back and forth between the two might be cause for confusion.

Along that note, going in and out of so many POVs within a single stretch is also something you might avoid. Four POV shifts within the first chapter may be a little overwhelming to your intended audience, which is YA, yes?

The description of the characters involves a lot of telling instead of showing. And all of the information doesn't have to be presented at once. Spread some of it out, let the characters take shape and develop personalities within the reader's imagination. Give a few small details--buzz-cut hair, deep eyes, tanned skin--or an overall comparison--a young Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson"--to get the point across. The less the better.

And you've shown us that Joy isn't normal by showing us how she runs around as MIss Justice, no need to reiterate it. As far as Max, show how he's a gentleman. Opens doors, stands when gals enter the room, etc. Try to avoid telling the characters' relationship with one another, again, show it. Their actions and words towards one another, their mannerisms around each other. Telling becomes backstory, and slows the pace.

Overall, nice bones, just need to flesh it out a bit. Enjoying the read, and plan to continue! Starred and WLed for sure.

HI Noelle,
You definitely are a great crime writer. The other critic was right - Joy is Batman's younger sister! I love it. The beginning paragraphs were super and sucked me right into the story. Enjoyed how Joy escaped the police in the night and found it just another routine thing to do. Hiding place is similar to the Batcave and Maxwell is just like Alfred the Butler, but that's Ok with me. Maybe it's just me but I wanted to know a little more about her costume - after she gets off the moped in the bunker and takes off her cape and mask - I'm assuming it's something like Batgirl or Catwoman, but you didn't specify, and it left me wanting to know more. The end of chapter one and the beginnig of chapter two was a little confusing. Joy looks down from the stairs, but is this a dream? I'm assuming because you start chapter two with her waking from the dream (assuming it was about her parents' death but again it seemed vague). After reading it twice it seemed correct, but I'm wondeing if you could clarify it a little more. Morning breakfast scene at home was good too. But then she's off again for more action. I'm wonding if Joy is a teen, doesn't she need to be in school? Does she have a legal guardian? Do any of her girlfriends know about her secret identity? Those things ran across my mind while reading chapter two. It's still a great story and I hope you do great here. Have to back it.
Hope you get a chance to read, comment , and maybe back mine too.
Thanks
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion" (from one crime writer to another) :-)

A BHCG review!
Hi Noelle,
What a wonderful book! I loved this one. Miss Justice/Joy is a great character and I love that you've chosen a teenage girl to be a superhero. You've got lovable characters, great pacing, a fun and exciting storyline, and a good writing style. I think this one could become a big hit You're on my watchlist and in line for my shelf! Good luck with this. Susan Finlay/Greenleaf "Chameleon"