Gut Instincts

My eyes have been glued to the computer screen since i started reading your novel. To be honest, i went into this thinking i wasn't going to be interested enough to stick with it and would do a quick read, leave a comment and move on.
i am pleasently surprised i couldn't. i typically stick with paranormal themed novels, and although this is far from, i love it. Your characters are very realistic and the dialogue between them made me think of my friends and i a couple years ago when we were in highschool.
Your first chapter instantly captivated me and after reading your pitch, i want to know what horrible events happen to this teenage girl who very much could have been me. i cheated and read down on other people's comments which have only made me want to read more.
pregnacy? oh my head is spinning just thinking about bad boy John who you kinda knew was going to be trouble, but with Liam's warning, irresitable to Rach. Also, John was the kinda guy i went for in High school, so i must read on.
i am rating u very highly and finding room on my shelf so that i can back it.
Absolutly love it and am glad i got the chance to read a novel i normally would have skipped over. that will teach me,
Amanda

Wow this story hits home for me. Reminds me a bit of mine in a way.


I have just reached the middle of chapter 11 and decided to comment now.


Firstly, grammatical/punctuation errors are not my place to comment on as I am not an editor and am in no way perfect.

What I will comment on is your writing. Chapter 1 was a bit slow-paced for me but after that, I was hooked. I literally haven't stopped reading your book since I discovered it. I like the story line, so far.

I don't particularly like your MC though. I carry on thinking, why didn't she go to a pharmacy and get the morning after pill??????? I do feel sorry for her and empathise, I know what being ruffied is all about and the fact that she wasn't sluttly at all makes it so much worse that something like that happened to her. I feel sorry for john though. Maybe it's just because he is the exact kind of ass I usually fall for and he reminds me of so many of my friends, I don't know. I just think that if he was a stoner and he was drunk there is no way in hell he would have had the perception to realise Rach was out of it and she shouldn't be so harsh on him. Secondly, he's a teenager. Of COURSE he's freaked out by a baby. But then again, if he's willing to have sex, he should make sure he takes precautions or be willing to deal with the consequences. I think Rach should have ditched John for Andrew from day one. But this is what makes your book a good read. It's evocative. It's real. So often in life things get fucked up and don't go according to plan. I really am enjoying your book. I hope I don't sound too negative because you really have an interesting read here. I wish you all the best and will shelf you as soon as I'm using my laptop (on my blackberry and I can't back books for some strange reason :/

Best wishes and congratulations

Bragitta
"Regenesis"

Alot of people say that when writing a book you need to find your 'voice' and after reading this I can safely say that you have yours nailed down spectacularly. As a sister to two teenagers I can tell you the dialogue between your characters is just how normal teenagers talk to each other. You deal with real issues, first love, teenage angst, drama, deaths, birth and being torn between love for two people. I liked Rachel, at first I thought she was a little vain but as I read on she morphed into someone strong and sassy, ready to face whatever was thrown at her. Adding little mysterious hints of what was about to come from the first chapter was a brilliant idea, it made me thristy to know more and I ended up reading everything you've posted!
I think your writing is very clever as you subtly shift Rachel's feelings of love from John towards Andrew. I really didn't see that coming. You dealt with the issue well and didn't simply make her jump from one guy to the next. The yo-yo effect kept me hooked. When her parents died I almost cried. Your descriptive language through those chapters really makes the reader sympathise with the MC. It was very real and very raw, not an easy thing to accomplish.
I love the flow of your writing, this novel is beautifully written
I wish you all the best of luck with this, I know you'll go far :)
Yasmin
- Guileless

WOW!!!! I don't know what else to say, except this, I wish I had a place on my bookshelf for you! As soon as I do though your book will be there. Some need to stay for a little while, but I will get yours on there as soon as possible. You are on my watchlist though! Extremely emotional, I cried so many times, but I love it when a book touches me that much! There were some funny times in it too and I laughed too. You found the teenagers' voices in just the right way, I wonder if you are not a teenager yourself, because you wrote their speech so perfectly!

If this is it for the book, then I commend you, but if not I truly hope you write some more about Rachel and both of her Andrews. I hope this book continues to climb!! Best wishes!!!!


~Bethanie

Okay, so WOW!!! At last I finished all 12 chapters, and it was so great!!! A few typos, but anyway, it really didn't bother me at all!! You can easily fix them!
I have to admit, I kinda liked John, but in the end when Rach wondered "Where had my John gone?" I kinda felt the same!!! It was so sad!
I really liked Andrew! In some way he reminded me of Jake, in the Twilight series, I have no idea why, maybe it's your dialog, but anyway, he is just the perfect character!!!
I'm not sure if the book ends here, after the baby is born, I suppose it could, but I would really like to know what happens after she and baby Andrew leaves the hospital. Let me know if you upload some more okay! And if this is the end of your book, you should really consider writing more!!!
I have really enjoyed this!!!!!
Alret
xxxxxxx
Well done my friend!!!!

Ive just read abit of your book and i think it is well written and well thought out.
There are some mistakes but nobodies perfect.

Please could you take the time to read my book 'A Model's Summer? and leave a quick rate and comment?
EllenMichelle :)

This story has a powerful beginning that introduces us a a serious subject/plot/issue/conflict. The narrator has a really strong voice that is relatable and fitting for young adults. I think high school relationships are very meaningful and emotional for most young adults, even if later one realizes high school means very little for the rest of one's life, even if one made a big deal of it at the time.

Agents and publishers like clean work. The less they have to do with an MS the more likely they are to choose to publish it. I think you mainly need some editing. I've noted some specific examples from Chapter 1 to give you an idea.

~ Does she have two best friends? Three best friends? "Best" entails only one. At two different points you say each of the girls are best friends and then the guy is a best friend. How about the girls are close friends and the guy is her best friend?
~ "She giggled. She has..." You switch in this paragraph from past tense to present tense. Also, it seems to go of on an unecessary tangent about the specifics of each of their hair. I think it's okay to write a little about this, but keep it succinct.
~ "We all murmured hello's..." This sentence has two "when's." One could be "as."
~ "Our knowledge of..." Again, a switch to present tense.

These things have quick, simple fixes. The plot characters are still strong. Great start to a story that promises to be dramatic!

-Cassandra Porter
(Love, Death, or the Gift of Happiness)

Great story! I was drawn in by the end of the prologue and wondering what had led up to those events. Your characterisation felt authentic and I was genuinely captivated by your story telling. I read to the end of chapter two and will definitely revisit to find out more. Lots of stars!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Hi Melissa,
I just finished reading Gut Instinct, and I know I was only going to chapter swap. but I just had to know what the deal was with John. The few things that I had issuse with were: 1. The prologue threw me off. I had no idea who that first part was about. 2. (And this advice was given to me on my book as well, so now I am maybe too sensitive to it) Using names in direct conversation. This is necessary when they are speaking in a group, but when Rachel and John are speaking to each other, in normal conversation, they would not start the sentence with the other's name. 3. I think there is a lot of discussion about what they were wearing and how cute they were and while this is probably realistic speak for high-schoolers, it probably dates the book and might be hard to relate to for other readers.
All in all, I liked the story though it was sad.
Thanks!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Hi Melissa.

Well I'll start with the dialogue- it works. It hasn't been that long since I was in highschool myself, and I can imagine my friends and I speaking this way (except we tended to use more foul language...haha). I'm hoping this is a YA novel (can't remember if you specified) because most adults wouldn't be able to relate.

The first few pages are probably my favorite, because they hint at something awful, and it made me want to read more. That being said, as I did read more, parts got a little tedious. Upon further reflection I realized I felt that way because most of the descriptions of the characters are bland. I'm sure you've heard of "Show Not Tell" and I felt like you were telling me about them. Maybe some more subtle descriptions would work.

Something that threw me off (though I know teenagers do this) was that she claims to have about 4 best friends. I know that when I had a best friend, it was limited to 1. Generally when I read a book and someone is labelled as the 'best friend' I think, okay, well this is Character Number 2, a main confidant of the lead, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be that way in your novel. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I've never had more than one best friend at a time.

I'm sort of neutral on whether I like Rachel. I liked her a lot in the preface area, but toward the middle of the first chapter I started to get bored with her voice. I feel like she talks inwardly a little too much, and a little too mundanely. I don't know, I just found myself thinking, "....who cares?" at the part when she was explaining why she hates when people with 'pretty' hair put it up in ponytails.

I know this review sounds like I'm being too critical, but I can feel something sort of dark and brooding boiling just beneath the surface of this novel, and I know Rachel has quite a story to tell. I look forward to reading on! I just love YA novels and I'm happy to have found a decent one :)

Also, my son's name is Liam, so of course I just love that you called her childhood best friend by that name!

Melissa

From the pitch and first chapter of this story, I was drawn in believing I was going to read something gritty, with real depth. Unfortunately the second chapter, which was really too long, was quite lost underneath a lot of shallow chatter, reading like a valley girl diary.

I think you have something to work with here, but it needs a lot of trimming and tightening. There is way too much dialogue and with all the walking from this person to that person, looking from Tammi to Lizzie and so on, the action and momentum are lost.

I realise that a lot of young girls will relate to the scenery you're setting, because it is very like the way teenage girls interact. But what I'm suggesting is that you cut it back to the bare minimum of this, and spend some more time both moving the story along, and getting us to care about who these girls are.

With some careful editing, this could really shine. Good luck going forward.

Loved it!
I thought this book was awesome. I loved how you hinted that John was a bad boy without really giving anything away as to why. I just knew he was no good but couldn't put my finger on it. I loved Andrew, knew he was a great guy as soon as he entered the picture.
I love how John came back in the end, just to see if he could make her feel any worse, to shove her face in what he had really done. Proving her suspicions all along. I like that Rachel knew what a miracle her baby is, and decided to press those charges in the end.

Love it!
I thought you hinted well that John was a jerk all along with out really giving it away. I knew he was bad news but didn't know why. I loved Andrew, and knew he was a great guy as soon as he entered the picture. I love how at the end John came back to try and make Rachel feel even worse, tried to really shove her face in it all, but she took charge and called to file those charges in the end. Absolutely loved it!

My eyes have been glued to the computer screen since i started reading your novel. To be honest, i went into this thinking i wasn't going to be interested enough to stick with it and would do a quick read, leave a comment and move on.
i am pleasently surprised i couldn't. i typically stick with paranormal themed novels, and although this is far from, i love it. Your characters are very realistic and the dialogue between them made me think of my friends and i a couple years ago when we were in highschool.
Your first chapter instantly captivated me and after reading your pitch, i want to know what horrible events happen to this teenage girl who very much could have been me. i cheated and read down on other people's comments which have only made me want to read more.
pregnacy? oh my head is spinning just thinking about bad boy John who you kinda knew was going to be trouble, but with Liam's warning, irresitable to Rach. Also, John was the kinda guy i went for in High school, so i must read on.
i am rating u very highly and finding room on my shelf so that i can back it.
Absolutly love it and am glad i got the chance to read a novel i normally would have skipped over. that will teach me,
Amanda

Very strong opening, leaving the reader with questions to be answered; this will draw the reader in.
Good use of the written word, you have a good grasp of language too.
The opening is sad and melancholy, almost dream like, you did this well.
Draws you in by the empathy you have with the protagonist.
Chapter 1 has a good use of dialogue that is placed well into the text. It is snappy and fluent and weaves a good plot.
This will appeal to a younger audience as it deals with the harshness they have to face in life.
This shows well in your characters, which are hard, uncut and realistic.
A very good read, well done.

Okay, so I am pretty new at leaving comments here but what I can say is that your characters are real in my eyes. Because I can relate since I know a few people who are like Lizzie (who loves to talk a lot lol) and even Rachel (who is smart in some things but not in others).
Your first paragraph on the first chapter took me a little bit more reading that it was your Prologue. I found that it was "scattered" just teh way you jumped from describing her parents and sister then to her actually doing drugs. You might wantt to reconstruct it for a smoother flow. Other than that, I want to find out more and decided to add it on my bookshelf.
Good luck with your story

Alona

Okay, so I am pretty new at leaving comments here but what I can say is that your characters are real in my eyes. Because I can relate since I know a few people who are like Lizzie (who loves to talk a lot lol) and even Rachel (who is smart in some things but not in others).
Your first paragraph on the first chapter took me a little bit more reading that it was your Prologue. I found that it was "scattered" just teh way you jumped from describing her parents and sister then to her actually doing drugs. You might wantt to reconstruct it for a smoother flow. Other than that, I want to find out more and decided to add it on my bookshelf.
Good luck with your story

Alona

Okay, so I am pretty new at leaving comments here but what I can say is that your characters are real in my eyes. Because I can relate since I know a few people who are like Lizzie (who loves to talk a lot lol) and even Rachel (who is smart in some things but not in others).
Your first paragraph on the first chapter took me a little bit more reading that it was your Prologue. I found that it was "scattered" just teh way you jumped from describing her parents and sister then to her actually doing drugs. You might wantt to reconstruct it for a smoother flow. Other than that, I want to find out more and decided to add it on my bookshelf.
Good luck with your story

Alona

Okay, so I am pretty new at leaving comments here but what I can say is that your characters are real in my eyes because I guess I can relate since I know a few people who are like Lizzie (who loves to talk lol) and even Rachel (who is smart in some things but not in others) Your first paragraph on the first chapter took me a little bit more reading that you had a Prologue prior to your first chapter. I found that it was "scattered" just the way you described her parents and sister then from her actually doing drugs. I think it needs restructuring. Other than that, I wanted to read more and even put your book in my shelf :D
Good luck with your story and have a great weekend

GUT INSTINCT
This is a story with all the things that will appeal to high schoolers: gossip about gorgeous boys, mall shopping, and problems with hair styling. The mark of it, tho, is the overriding ominous tone that lets a reader know this book is not about frivolous things at all. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Here's your return read for our swap! I really enjoyed reading this--getting into Rachel's head was really fun, and it gives the story a great voice. Your first chapter is kind of long; some readers can be discouraged from continuing to read when the chapters are lengthy. Try dividing the story into small chapters, having one important part of the story taking place in each. This should do really well in the YA genre--it's perfect for it!
Noelle "Dark Origins"

The prologue does its job really well, especially after one begins reading the lighter tone of Chapter one. We're given hints throughout the first few chapters that everything isn't as peachy with Rachel as her friends seem to think they are. It adds suspense and intrigue to what would seem to be a straightforward story at first glance.
I like the numerous layers of conflicts you have going on. It really makes your story three dimensional. I'm putting this on my watch list so I can keep reading.

Ash-THE SIREN'S HEART

For our swap: (sorry it took so long)

So, grammar:
You don't consistantly indent your paragraphs. You need to indent each one, especially in dialogue. Your missing quite a few commas, God needs to be capitalized, there are many words which need to be capitalized, and your spacing between sentaces is off in a lot of spots.
But moving away from all that-
The story is grabbing at the moment because the characteristics are so realistic. I could name girls at my school that act exactly like this. You captured them perfectly. They're a bit snotty but still likable in their own way. You did a good job at capturing the emotions and actions of the girls. Your descriptions were good as well, not too much, just enough.
A few more edits and this could be amazing! There are only a few snags at the moment but I'm sure you'll get 'em. :)
Nice job!

Hi Melissa,
I'm here for our read swap and also that you have done my review already, which I also want to thank you for.
So I'm going to be honest with you with my critiques, and I always give my pros and cons.

Pros: So I will start out with this, I love the characters you brought to the story. They are realistic and well-rounded. To be honest, I wasn't sure where you were going with the story, but then I realize what it was when I read three (and maybe skimmed a few others). Your story flows very smoothly. By the way, I also love your prologue. That was one of the things that really wanted me to read more. Good job! :)

Cons: Now, there are few things that caught my attention. First is grammar. Believe me, that's my problem too, so you are not alone. Short Pitch and Long Pitch...I'm not too crazy about them. I suggest for your short pitch to be something like, "If I only listened to my conscience...". In my opinon, it would defintely grab the reader's attention. Long Pitch, as someone mentioned here, yours is a narrative. It has to be summary, that grabs the reader's attention. I know I sound like I am repeating myself, but it's true. I also noticed you put to many "I" at one point. I also notice there needs to be some imagery... make us feel as if we are with Rachel. By the way, where is Rachel in this story? Setting is also important into your story. It is just as important as the other things needed in an story.

Ok, so maybe I have done to much critcism to your story. I hope you find the critque enjoyable. You can use my advice or ditch them whatever you prefer.

I do have to say overall, I really enjoyed your story. It's has an intersting plot.
I'm going to rate it highly and back it on my bookshelf. Keep writing and I wish you luck in getting your story published. :)

Jessica
Love, Revenge, and Hope: Hidden Identities

Such a lovely, lighthearted read. Your use of dialogue is spot on and the story moves at an even, steady pace. Popping you on my watchlist until I can read more.

Melissa, you had me drawn in just from your prologue; every phrase, every sentence is weighted with meaning. The authenticity of the dialogue between the friends is an important part of your story-telling and you have mastered that extremely well. I particularly like the pov you write from and you have created an interesting character in Rachel; one that as a reader I care about and don't want to see hurt. But I know that she will go through much pain. As for the title, Gut Instinct - that really resonates with me. There are a few typos eg in first chapter on Rachel's way home there is the phrase 'I live a ways away but I hate ...' Minor points, easy to rectify. A great story and one that I have rated highly. Maria (Georgina's Family) :)

Hi Melissa,
I’m here for our read swap. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
Not sure how I feel about the short pitch, to be honest. My gut screaming? I know you mean this figuratively, but as no narrative voice can be established well in such a short stretch, are you sure you want to go with that? Also, I’d suggest dropping the ellipse. It does little for you there.
Your long pitch, while very good writing, is not really a pitch; it’s a narrative. I would save this for the novel itself, and focus on the hooks of the story while providing some context of what it’s about. Of course, you don’t want it to read like a description either. It’s a fine balance.
Prologue
The semicolon is kind of awkward there in the first line. You might consider revising that first line. Maybe something like, “I was sixteen when everything happen, which turned me into the adult I wasn’t ready to be.” Just a suggestion. I’ll leave it up to you.
“making it have no chance” is awkward. Maybe “giving me no chance”
First, prologues are over used. With that in mind, you might serious ask yourself if this one is necessary. It really doesn’t tell us much of the plot. I have a prologue, and honestly, it drives me nuts that I do. That said, I went away from it for a while and sought much feedback from folks here as well as professional editors, and finally derived to the conclusion that it was necessary as a prologue. I’m not sure this is. Something you’ll have to mull over, but ask yourself what it really does for you.
Chapter one
The first line here is kind of weak. This is an opportunity to really hook your readers in.
I love your transition descriptions between dialogue. A lot of people fail to do this, but you do it well. It really helps the dialogue pop.
Drop the comma after “always”
“I never seem to learn” Love this.
Great dialogue. I think the imagery could possibly be amped up a bit more, though.
I really like your narrative voice. You capture the youthful expressions brilliantly, and as I said before, your dialogue is strong. This is a very good start to the story, and I think it can do very well here. Best of luck. High stars from me.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hey Melissa,

So I read further and found that your writing flows pretty well. I really like the mystery behind John, especially when his best friend is subtly warning her to stay away from him and how committed she is in getting him anyway. I really, really like the story so far, and don't have much to say except that there could be some more emotion put into it. You have a lot of great hooks, but at times I feel disconnected from the main character. Describing more emotions that she's feeling could help to solve that.
I'll back it.

Christine Rees
Spark

I like the mysterious feel of your prologue. It leaves the reader wanting to read more. The only thing I would suggest so far is that you go back and read your story out loud. It helps to fix small grammar errors that you may not have caught before.

An example of what I mean is in your first chapter, “’What?’ she asked, but I guessed that she knew exactly what I was talking about.”

The second part of the sentence is a bit awkward. Instead you could say… “but I was pretty sure she knew exactly what I was talking about.” Just little things like that can be fixed by reading your work over out loud. I only suggest this because that’s what I do to improve my writing.

However, I like the believable dialogue between your characters. (It sounds just like my friends and I haha.) The only other problem I had with your story is again in the first chapter, as you introduce your characters. I really think that they can be detailed a bit better. Show, instead of tell. I know that’s kind of a weird thing to say since it’s your writing, but another author told me to do it and it made my story much better.
As an example I’ll show you what you can say instead:

`She giggled. She has the thinnest hair I`ve ever seen.” Instead you could say: “She giggled while tugging on her brown hair. She had the thinnest hair I’ve ever seen.”
It flows better rather than just telling us that she has brown hair.
Or
“My hair is so wavy, kind of curly but blah.” Instead you could say… “Shaking my head, I looked down at my own wavy curls, but it was just blah in comparison.”

Besides those two suggestions, I find your book intriguing and different. It sets a mysterious mood and compels me to read further. Highly starred! Keep up the good work!

Christine Rees
Spark

This book defiatly appeals to it's audience, the characters are strong and the dialect fits well with the age group of the characters. I've read all 12 chapters and really enjoyed it. Well done x

YA is not my cup of tea but I can remember being that age and the context of Rachel's story rings true. I agree with the comment that some of the dialogue could be shortened but by and large the first 2 chapters gave a good intro and suggested there was depth to come. Nice one!

Harry
Parabolic - http://www.authonomy.com/books/35255/parabolic

Not a genre I would usually read, but I enjoyed what I read :) I'm very out of my depth here, so forgive me if I get it all wrong.

Your characters are very likable and believable, although I think some of the conversations could be snipped a little shorter. They seem to go on a long time. I realise these girls are best friends but sometimes the reader just wants to get to the action.

Your writing style is fluent and very well put together, everything flows with a nice narrative voice, so well done there! :)

Overall I liked reading it, it was a very meaty and thought-through story.

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

Hi Melissa. Thanks for your comments on Reasonable Force. Writing a good, short synopsis of your own book is supposed to be one of the hardest things to achieve. There's a fine line between portraying your story and trying to sell your story. Have I got that balance right? Probably not.
I've read the prologue and first chapter of Gut Instincts. For a mature man I have to say that it is like reading a young girls magazine. As you may appreciate this is not my literary fare at all and I struggled to maintain any interest in the romantic ramblings of three immature girls.
That's not to say that this is badly written. In fact, it shows great promise. But I think your readers, in the main, will be young girls who will love reading this material.
Just a few comments on some small points that would be picked up and possibly annoy hard-nosed publishers. Prologue: 'The way he kisses' should be 'kissed'. Try to keep in the same tense.
Chap 1 (near the start): 'I sipped water from my water bottle' is slightly clumsy. I think 'I sipped from my water bottle' is neater and lets us assume that it's water. It's important not to thrust too many obvious facts down the reader's throat.
And Rachel, in a very short time, has three 'best friends'. I realise that you may have put this in as girl's talk, but if not, the word best does not mean several. And you have used the word 'best friend' or 'friend' five times in a very short space of time starting from "That's why.....".
They may seem small, petty observations but they affect the flow and easy reading of a story. Stephen King in his book 'On Writing' advises us to edit, edit and edit again. Pare everything down to the bare bones. Shorter, sharper sentences have more impact. They avoid confusing and boring the reader with too much information.
I hope that some of my comments may help.
Good luck.
Cheers, Sully.

You have the teenaged mindset mastered in this first chapter. I am wondering what's so bad about John and why Liam wants Rachel to stay away from him.
From reading your short and long pitch, I get the feeling that very adult things are about to happen to your MC, very hard sad adult things, and I wonder how she's going to handle them. In chapter one, she's all girl.
Good luck with this! It was a pleasure reading it.
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I really like your story, it has a great story line so far. I was only able to read the first chapter but I will definately come back later to finish it. One thing I noticed was the fact that your first chapter is really long. I wish it had been separated a little more, especially since you skip to September, but thats just my suggestion. I really like the flow you have created here and the characters are really interesting. I really like the different relationships you have set up for each of the characters. Really good, keep it up. I will read more soon. Good Luck

Mel
Lexie's Tattoo

Hi Melissa

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Intriguing opening with lots of implied, pending drama. A very strong hook.

I was a little confused by the beginning of the next chapter. I was expecting a conversation between Lizzie and the MC as they were the only ones mentioned as being present up front and then I discovered Tammi was there too. Notwithstanding this, there are some good introductory elements to this chapter and it seems well suited to its target YA audience.

It is, however, a very long chapter, with a large number of people being introduced. Had you considered staggering the introductions more and , perhaps, splitting the chapter into two: at school and what comes after?

I noticed some punctuation glitches, including use (or not) of the possessive apostrophe, that you might want to edit out.


J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Hi Melissa

I thin you have an interesting story here - I don't have a lot to comment on, however i felt that you use a lot of fluff, explaining details that aren't informative or necessary - I don't really want to hear about how she sets her hair or uses mousse. Some of these things are just fluff that could probably be left out.

Furthermore, your chapters are really long - Like REALLY long! I think your chapters could all be made into two chapters each. It get tiring to read when the chapters are so long.

I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Hi Melissa - Happy New Year! I said I'd take a peep at your book. Although I am not your intended audience, I love the book name and your evocative cover and I thought your pitch worked really well with what looks like a piece of dialogue from further on than I have read so far. Well done. I enjoyed the first couple of chapters and imagine you'll be continue to edit them, I did find there was a lot to digest in the prologue and you might look at tightening that a bit, there were a lot of characters introduced straight off - perhaps they all are vital to the story, but I thought I'd mention my impression in case it's helpful. Just my opinion though :) The second chapter took off like a rocket and was great fun. I liked Rachel's character and the immediate tension you build with Tammi's absence and Liam's warning about John. Good luck with it - you are well starred by me! Coloratura (sorry I sent these to the wrong place as I just hit reply button, so here they are again)

Hi. I've just re-read the beginning and I now realise why I was slightly confused. Lizzie tells Rachel that Tammi can't come to the mall because she has to go to a practice; that makes it sound as if she's absent from the group, but then she speaks. It's only a small thing, but it could be worded better to take away the possible confusion. Hope this makes sense. (It may just be my interpretation, of course...) You could easily get round it by having Tammi herself announce that she can't come. Job done.

Hi. I really like this. The writing flows well, and you have a great storyline for teenage girls. I think the first chapter is very long, and there's some confusion about the timeline, but I do think it has a lot going for it. Teenagers are self-obsessed and girls can be very catty (I have three sons - lucky me!). This may not appeal to adults but there's a lively market for this kind of story. It's important that you have a USP, though, because the downside is that there's a lot of competition. Good luck. My bookshelf is full right now but I'll try to find room for your story soon.
Julia. ('Jelly-Boy')

I've read the first few chapters, and so far it's an easy read! The quick exchanges between characters is easy to get through and it's definitely getting more interesting.
For a YA story though the chapters should be a tad bit shorter, for instance: The first chatper should be cut between the school and the shopping trip :)

There's a lot of potential in this story, just keep working on getting all the kinks out and keep up the good work!

Hi,

Read first chapter and it seems that with some revising this story is promising. The first chapter seemed a bit long with all of the detailed description which slowed down pacing some. There's tense flip-flopping in some places, not a hard fix. When the character mentioned not a lot of homework in history class -- I remember tons of homework in history class but classes are different in different schools I suppose.

At the end when MC said, "It was like a mission I just had to complete." Would be cute if you could reference 'Nor would it be a Mission Impossible." Couldn't help it!

In the next sentence you use "was making" and it would sound so much stronger if you said, "...that made her sad."

Rather than have the last several paragraphs begin with "I" -- in the last one you could say, "Also, I vowed I would get John." Also :) -- this is a good place to say you could use stronger verbs in places. For instance, "Also, I vowed I would hook (nab, catch, reel in) John -- you get the picture.

Good luck with this and I'm starring you! ~Kady Colter - Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

Melissa,

This is very good. Unfortunately I am not into chick lit, so my comments will be somewhat lacking in enthusiasm. However, the story is well paced and the first person narrative works very well. The prose are light and easy to read, but after the first grab I gradually lost interest - my preferences, not your writing.

Very best wishes
Warrick

I love your writing, it's so natural and feels real making the characters so much more believable and likeable. Maybe I just have read many stories like this but I find it rare to read something so naturally written so good work! The story is also very real and hard-hitting, you've definitely tackled a very personal topic and so far (I haven't finished reading yet) your doing it very well. The main characters situation is very tough and I feel (although it's sad) there would be many girls who can relate to it. But i'm loving this book and your writing style so keep it up, and I'll keep reading !
Check my book out as well (just a quick plug to finish up)
Thanks, Karlee - Chained

I'm not great at nitpicking, I don't really know what to talk about when being negative, so my comment won't feel like a very contributory thing.

But, I actually liked it. You can at least rest knowing that you have another person as a fan.

I'm not great at nitpicking, I don't really know what to talk about when being negative, so my comment won't feel like a very contributory thing.

But, I actually liked it. You can at least rest knowing that you have another person as a fan.

Hi I liked your first chapter and I like your dialogue - natural sounding.
The second chapter is WAAAAAAAY too long and I got fed up and stopped reading.
Make your chapters shorter to get readers page-turning.
Send me a short ruthlessly edited second chapter and I would be happy to have another look.
Cheers
Gill

~Gut Instincts~

I like your writing style (easy-to-read) and Rachel's voice (strong and likeable), plus the theme is perfect for the YA market.

If you're interested in writing for the teen market, I think you should definitely check out 'Threads' by Sophia Bennett and 'Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging' by Louise Rennison.

Also a website I think you'll find really useful is a UK teen fiction site at www.chicklish.co.uk

I wish you the best of luck with Gut Instincts and look forward to seeing it storming the charts!!!

Much love,

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Hello, Melissa, just finished your first chapter. In your prologue, you give specific descriptions of how John treated Rachel, clearly revealing to the reader why she feels attracted to him; and your prologue provides your reader with a question that may serve as their hook: what exactly happened to Rachel? Who hurt her and why? In your first chapter, Rachel seems to be doubting her own level of attractiveness while she's at the mall with Lizzie. I think that low self-esteem can pull girls toward dangerous relationships. And if Rachel sees John as more attractive and popular than her, winning his attention would be a victory. Thank you for swapping reads with me and for your support. Best of luck with your work!
Jonie

Very nice writing! Happy to BACK your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Good Luck!
Sue50

Backed Gut Instincts. Great prologue. Really hooks the reader. Good job on dialogue. Very realistic and keeps to the age level of your reader. Good luck on your climb to the top. Hope you will take time to check out our vampire thriller, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Wow this story hits home for me. Reminds me a bit of mine in a way.


I have just reached the middle of chapter 11 and decided to comment now.


Firstly, grammatical/punctuation errors are not my place to comment on as I am not an editor and am in no way perfect.

What I will comment on is your writing. Chapter 1 was a bit slow-paced for me but after that, I was hooked. I literally haven't stopped reading your book since I discovered it. I like the story line, so far.

I don't particularly like your MC though. I carry on thinking, why didn't she go to a pharmacy and get the morning after pill??????? I do feel sorry for her and empathise, I know what being ruffied is all about and the fact that she wasn't sluttly at all makes it so much worse that something like that happened to her. I feel sorry for john though. Maybe it's just because he is the exact kind of ass I usually fall for and he reminds me of so many of my friends, I don't know. I just think that if he was a stoner and he was drunk there is no way in hell he would have had the perception to realise Rach was out of it and she shouldn't be so harsh on him. Secondly, he's a teenager. Of COURSE he's freaked out by a baby. But then again, if he's willing to have sex, he should make sure he takes precautions or be willing to deal with the consequences. I think Rach should have ditched John for Andrew from day one. But this is what makes your book a good read. It's evocative. It's real. So often in life things get fucked up and don't go according to plan. I really am enjoying your book. I hope I don't sound too negative because you really have an interesting read here. I wish you all the best and will shelf you as soon as I'm using my laptop (on my blackberry and I can't back books for some strange reason :/

Best wishes and congratulations

Bragitta
"Regenesis"

Hey Melissa, just finished the prologue and chapter one and found it very easy and interesting to read. Your characters are easy to relate to which in turn makes it flow well. Will be back to read more.

The only thing you should watch is a few repeated words and the word 'but'. Sometimes I’ve fallen into using that word often. When I removed or changed it is made the story read easier. Other than that it’s perfect and I hope you get to the editors desk asap.

Laura

I like your writing style and the way you started your book. Great beginning.

D. S. Hale