Sustenance

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY SMASHWORDS IS FEATURING SUSTENANCE AS A FREE EBOOK.
This is in celebration of Book 2 (whose title and a small exerpt will be posted via my livejournal and Facebook in December) and its release in approximatly January 2012. You can now download Sustenance COMPLETELY FREE for a short time. Please enjoy the book in its entirity!

Kayla, I thought your shift from one world to the next brilliant. And I say this with great respect for CS Lewis, but I liked your step into another world better than the wardrobe in his stories. You swept me into the new world beautifully with well-crafted characters. You have all the elements of a master storyteller, Miss Kayla. A basic course in elementary grammar and punctuation would help you immensely and make your work much more publishable. Also, consider using a serif font ( like Times Roman, which I know is boring, but it is what most books are printed in because it is easier to read.) I'll keep you on my WL until a spot come up. Thank you for looking at Summer Rose. Best of luck.
Caroline
Summer Rose

Hi Kayla,
I've only read the first chapter but already this is shaping up to be an intriguing read that would definitely appeal to your target audience. The narrative flows smoothly and the POV changes were done right at the times when the reader would want to know what the other characters are thinking.
I do think the paragraphs could be broken up a bit, its just easier on the eyes, but apart from that this is an entertaining read. I am half way through another YA novel on here at the moment, but I'll come back to read, and I'll definitely visit your page on Smashwords and add a like. Because I do like it,
Well done,
Watchlisted and will find a place on my shelf in the coming weeks.
Cheers Jacoba

Kayla,
I found the plot of Sustenance exceptionally imaginative even for science fiction. How you dreamt up this bizarre series of events and crafted them into a believable narrative is beyond me. While science fiction tends not to be believable because the authors imagine the settings, your characters make this story come to life since they have characteristics which resemble people in the real world. It's a thrilling plot for readers of this genre who can set aside the unrealism and focus on the characters as they are swept away into the drama of the story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY SMASHWORDS IS FEATURING SUSTENANCE AS A FREE EBOOK.
This is in celebration of Book 2 (whose title and a small exerpt will be posted via my livejournal and Facebook in December) and its release in approximatly January 2012. You can now download Sustenance COMPLETELY FREE for a short time. Please enjoy the book in its entirity!

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY SMASHWORDS IS FEATURING SUSTENANCE AS A FREE EBOOK.
This is in celebration of Book 2 (whose title and a small exerpt will be posted via my livejournal and Facebook in December) and its release in approximatly January 2012. You can now download Sustenance COMPLETELY FREE for a short time. Please enjoy the book in its entirity!

This was well worth reading!
I've just finished the first chapter, am watchlisting and coming back for more. Looking forward to seeing how this goes!

Hi Kayla,

I thought I’d stop by as I was drawn by your pitch. I’m always a sucker for a good alien story.
I do think the LP can be scrubbed a bit, and the SP…well, I’m of the opinion that direct questions to the reader are not as effective as using action verbs to lead the reader to those questions. However, the story still captured my interest, so here I am!

Great pacing and a good start to the story! The biggest suggestions I have are to do a few more scrubs for grammar, especially punctuation. Really, nothing huge,…just small stuff. No biggie.
Also, there are some missed opportunities to really give this some flavor by adding rich description. Amp the description to boost the effectiveness of this intriguing story and you’ve got something!
Good stuff! I’ll be interested to see how this does.

I’d invite you to check out my pitch if you’re up to it. If the pitch interests you and you read on, I’d love to know your thoughts. Always looking for feedback.

Thanks and good luck with this!
Phil (Deshay of the Woods)

I read through your first chapter. What an opening you have there! You really hooked me in, more so than before. I LOVE Holly Black and I was hoping to see some influences on your work. I do see some influence, but not in a bad way. Just the little details that you give(similar to what I do as well) are right there.... for example "feeding off of others like leeches." That really paints a picture in my mind. I'm looking forward to coming back for more. As a supporter of my book, when I catch up on my return reads I always go back for another chapter. You've been added to my "official list" to read Ch 2. Although, I would have came back anyway with the type of writing style you have! I've given you five stars and look forward to seeing where this story will go! And congrats on the self publishing with Smashwords!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfielda and the Magic Locket'

Read the first chapter. Love the little details like, "puke-green locker." I know the exact color you are talking about! :) I also really enjoyed the dialogue. Your characters seemed to be innovative and colorful. I will be back for more and will comment if I see a spot that I think needs a critique. As of now, keep up the good work! You are one talented lady! 5 stars for you!


Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Hi Kayla, I finally got around to reading your novel and I'm so glad I did, it's brilliant! First, I like how you changed the POV continously throughout the story, it gave each chapter a fresh feel and a different perspective. Reading one person's thoughts continously can get a little boring. You have action from the start which I also love, it kept me on edge and desperate to read on. You introduce aliens into the world effortlessly and make it very believeable. Your descriptions are solid, particularly when you were describing the High Empress, she gave me shivers.
I'm definitely going to visit Smashwords because I'm desperate to know what happens next. Particularly to Samson, he's a hottie!
Backed with six stars!
Yasmin
- Guileless

You can see an awsome review of Sustenance here http://ahgooreview.com/2011/09/sustenance/

this is a very good book- great idea...brilliant narrative, effective dialogue...and you appear to have edited this very well indeed...maybe best l've seen on this site...
backed, backed, backed...
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Very intresting and well written but its not kind of story

Hi,
You won't like this.
The story is excellent but you need to edit and consider re-writing.
The voice of your MC comes through well but the dialogue is set out wrongly. Always start dialogue on a fresh line for each speaker. Use 'he said' 'she said' ocasionally to orientate the reader and try to have the dialogue in one piece as if your characters are talking to each other, without breaking it up too much. Don't use -ly adverbs as they weaken the writing.
Most books on how to write will tell you, set the scene, then action, then dialogue then the effects of the action either as introspection or leaving a story question. The sequence is one scene like that after another. You are not just telling a story, you are painting a mental picture. You can do this, because in places you do it well and in others there is just too much tell as opposed to show.
Try 'Self-editing for Fiction Writers' by Renni Browne and Dave King - it will change you view of it overnight.
Best of luck with it.

Kayla, I thought your shift from one world to the next brilliant. And I say this with great respect for CS Lewis, but I liked your step into another world better than the wardrobe in his stories. You swept me into the new world beautifully with well-crafted characters. You have all the elements of a master storyteller, Miss Kayla. A basic course in elementary grammar and punctuation would help you immensely and make your work much more publishable. Also, consider using a serif font ( like Times Roman, which I know is boring, but it is what most books are printed in because it is easier to read.) I'll keep you on my WL until a spot come up. Thank you for looking at Summer Rose. Best of luck.
Caroline
Summer Rose

Kayla,
I found the plot of Sustenance exceptionally imaginative even for science fiction. How you dreamt up this bizarre series of events and crafted them into a believable narrative is beyond me. While science fiction tends not to be believable because the authors imagine the settings, your characters make this story come to life since they have characteristics which resemble people in the real world. It's a thrilling plot for readers of this genre who can set aside the unrealism and focus on the characters as they are swept away into the drama of the story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Cool concept I look forward to reading more

Hi Kayla,
I've only read the first chapter but already this is shaping up to be an intriguing read that would definitely appeal to your target audience. The narrative flows smoothly and the POV changes were done right at the times when the reader would want to know what the other characters are thinking.
I do think the paragraphs could be broken up a bit, its just easier on the eyes, but apart from that this is an entertaining read. I am half way through another YA novel on here at the moment, but I'll come back to read, and I'll definitely visit your page on Smashwords and add a like. Because I do like it,
Well done,
Watchlisted and will find a place on my shelf in the coming weeks.
Cheers Jacoba

I just want to put out there to everyone who reads that I am extremely pleased that Sustenance has reached 100 reads on wattpad alone, (this is not counting the b&n or smashwords numbers which have not been updated yet) but it would be awsome if you would visit the Sustenance facebook page and like!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Sustenance/228009513891321

Thanks,
Kayla Cargiulo

Angel Owl,

Thank you so much for your feedback, I loved it, I tottaly get what you're saying about Tess. I hoped to write her that way, where you wanted to hate her, but in the end she's the hero and you've got to learn to like her the way she has to learn to like herself. Rouge was definatly an inspiration! I love that you picked up on that, I was hoping because of your great feedback that you might be willing to post it on B&N or Smashwords as a review?

Kayla Cargiulo

I read your whole story from start to finish last night. First off, I should give this disclaimer: I never read YA fantasy or sci-fi and your story is both. Even so, I enjoyed what I read. It was fast-paced and the plot came together nicely. Switching between Tess and a third person perspective effectively told what was happening and you left no questions unanswered in my mind. Personally, I think you handled the alien invasion angle very well. Since most of the hype occurred while she was recovering from her accident, she would have little or no knowledge of the lengths people went to in order to get close to the crash site, etc-something you captured nicely with the statement about the FBI and the media telling everyone it was a meteorite. News gets old fast anywhere even if it's aliens. I like that you stayed true to that.
At first I didn't necessarily like Tess but it's hard not to like her-if that makes any sense. I couldn't hate her no matter how much I might have wanted to. I like that through the course of the story she does grow and change and Samson, being an older and wiser character aids her in that. But, it doesn't stop her from being caught outside in her underwear: very silly and a wonderful addition to the story. It shows that even though your main character is remarkable by every standard and can do what no one else can, she still has flaws and is very much, well, human. I liked how fast-paced the story was and your beginning with the boyfriend incident brought Rogue from X-Men to mind (I enjoyed those movies and even named my cat after that character). You gave enough description so the reader wasn't in the dark about what was happening and your ending brought these words to my mind-"continued next issue." Overall, a delightful read. The grammatical errors and typos really didn't detract from the plot or make it any more difficult to read. As long as the readers are paying attention, they're not going to get lost. If you write another installment to this series, I'd love to read it.
Good job.
Roxanne Hunter

Hi Kayla

Sorry for the delay on the return read!

OK, Sustenance. I’m not sure what to make of the cover. The font makes it look like a horror in my opinion. Your pitch is good though, short and snappy.

So, the first thing – I think your paragraphs are way too long. On paper it may not be so bad but on Autho it really causes eye strain. So you might want to think about chopping them up a bit where you can.

Have to say though, I love your first line. Wasn’t expecting that at all! Would be murder she’d go to jail for if she only almost killed him? I’d have thought attempted murder? You have some typos ‘ -wanted o drink him in as an example. Needs to be wanted TO drink him in. I found the bit with his parents confusing. You say there was a lot of explaining to do about why he was naked, but then the next bit reads as though they never saw him on the sofa and only at the hospital?

When you start dialogue, it needs to be in a paragraph or line in its own right. So the bit about the shirts in the mail needs to be dropped down, and then responses also on their own line, if that makes sense. You also have some commas needed throughout to make it read better. Example – ‘Maggie returned my smile (comma needed here) only hers was filled with slightly crooked teeth’ etc etc.

Contessa is coming across as a very shallow, flighty girl. Is this what you were after? The comment about the cook who she didn’t notice because he was quiet and not particularly good looking is an example as to why I’m thinking this. If this is what you were aiming for then nice – hopefully there’ll be some real room for growth in her character.

I think your premise is good, but this really needs a good edit to tighten it up as at the moment I’m feeling a bit distracted as I read it. It’s definitely got the YA voice, I think it will go down well with that audience. Contessa did start to grow on me by the end of chapter 1, but only slightly. It feels as though the pace was ever so slightly rushed. I think that by focusing on some more description, this would help slow it down and really help to get a feel for her and her surroundings, really pull us in.

Starred for now and good luck!

Silva

There's a lot of fun stuff here. You have a strong idea and lead character. You need to do a careful edit and weed out the mistakes.

Show possession: “…and became consumed with worry about their son’s life.”

You have an issue with changing tenses. First you say “here I sit” and then you say “Maggie sat down across from me.” It must be in present tense or past tense, but it can’t be in both.

I like your descriptions of people and places. The interaction between Contessa and Maggie is fun and seems natural.

Show possession: “In the Lord’s name…”

The paragraphs are really long. Try to break them up, especially around dialog.

Missing word: “Frankie want to ??? something other than what we were.”

When you start chapter 1 with the car crash, make it more clear that you are talking about Contessa. Otherwise, that part is really creative and adds a nice twist to the story.

The public knowledge of the UFO might be a bigger story. Wouldn’t people come to the town to look for it or conduct interviews? Or did the mainstream media dub it a hoax?

The appearance of Samson in the bar was quite the thrill. That was a great confrontation. And now it’s a love triangle between human, alien and hybrid. That’s a great idea.

I enjoyed this so I'll back it.
Good luck.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hi
Yours plot is exceptionally good; plot is foundation of a fiction. You imagination is vivid and beyond the common man; that makes your plot exceptional. Regarding characters, language and narrative you have done a nice job but still need some work. This fiction must reach market; this will find wide readership. Ajay

I had a list of things that you might consider changing, but after reading the previous comments, i'd just be repeating them, so, all I have to say is, I like it. Sorry I couldn't be more help :) I think it's perfect for your target audience. Highly rated.

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I like the premise here. Fits very well for your target audience. Plenty of story unfolding at a steady pace to keep the reader contently engaged. I really like your delivery. Short punchy sentence move this along swiftly and I’m racing through the read without even noticing how far I have gotten. I like Tess very much. A strong character who carries the plot along nicely. Some work needs to be done on the technical side (not much). I see Joshua has given some wonderful advice already so I doubt very much I could add anything more useful.
All the very best with this. Wonderfully imaginative story. I hope you do well.
Janny

Now, little nit picks, The Meteor showers was how you described the space ships. But, when you wrote that they were Silver bullets like a gun would fire, that doesn't sound right. Most rounds are small. I have see a M-16 round, pistol, 50 cal round, 20millimeter round from an Apache Helicopter, and tank rounds. Also, rounds from a 16 inch gun fired by a battleship: USS Missouri, BB63. and they were about 4 foot high, 16 inches around and weighted 1 ton. So, you might want to look at and adjust for better clarity.

As always, much appreciated feedback. Perhaps it was a little foggy because of the way the ships are described, but the ships only look like bullets, as in their outer shape. However, the ships mass is not equivilant to that of an actual bullet. The mass of the ship is clarified in the story, at least I believe, when the car itself collides with the ship, and the ship not only stops, but smashes the whole side of a car in, I thought this was suffcient enough to make people understand the ship itself was at least larger than a car, and not the size of an actual tiny bullet from a gun. I can see how it could be skated over though.

Kayla Cargiulo

Sustenance by Kayla Cargiulo. These are my opinions only and feel free to ignore too.

Your pitch is what attracted me to this story. It did serve its purpose and I was curious about it. That said,
I jumped in cold at the 4th chapter, to see if I could understand your story. It was easy to get into the story. Your descriptions of the sheriff was good. Like wise with Sampson. I could see both of them. The main character I could some what see but, like I said I jumped in cold and probably missed how she looked and felt but, I could see her. Well done.

Now, little nit picks, The Meteor showers was how you described the space ships. But, when you wrote that they were Silver bullets like a gun would fire, that doesn't sound right. Most rounds are small. I have see a M-16 round, pistol, 50 cal round, 20millimeter round from an Apache Helicopter, and tank rounds. Also, rounds from a 16 inch gun fired by a battleship: USS Missouri, BB63. and they were about 4 foot high, 16 inches around and weighted 1 ton. So, you might want to look at and adjust for better clarity.

The flow was good but, some of the paragraphs were long, might want to break up some. You can also tighten some parts too.

Good luck with this story.

Richard A. Wentworth
Aracelis.

Kayla,
A lot of what Joshua said I agree with. Personally, there were quite a number of misspelled words, improper grammar and I could not get into the story right away. The beginning paragraph could be reworded to make stronger. Passive voice runs throughout, watch for that. Overall, you need to tighten up the the story--eliminate the passive voice, correct grammar and typos, unnecessary adverbs, and break-up the narrative from the dialogue.
Hope this helps. On to reading the next chapter!

Cindy,

Alot of that is technical editing. This is the first thing I have ever put out there and I may have jumped the gun a bit when it comes to such things, but mostly I am looking for feedback on the story itself, however it is much appreciated.

Kayla Cargiulo

Kayla,
A lot of what Joshua said I agree with. Personally, there were quite a number of misspelled words, improper grammar and I could not get into the story right away. The beginning paragraph could be reworded to make stronger. Passive voice runs throughout, watch for that. Overall, you need to tighten up the the story--eliminate the passive voice, correct grammar and typos, unnecessary adverbs, and break-up the narrative from the dialogue.
Hope this helps. On to reading the next chapter!

Joshua,

I would like to begin by saying thank you so much! Yours is the first acutally completely helpful feedback that was both constructive and positive at the same time. I am happy you have enjoyed the story so far and if you would like to continue reading it is available on B&N and Smashwords. I jumped the gun a little on publishing just because I was so excited but I'm hoping to make the second book more polished. Your opinion is greatly valued!

Solid opening, tapping into your character's head. She's easy for your teenage reader to relate to since she doesn't quite fit the norm. Her rebellious nature will help make an immediate connect to your target audience.

The writing style is incredibly believable and well-targeted. The short, choppy sentences develop a clear voice for Tess, and your tightly written narrative moves the plot along at a quick pace. She's well-developed and consistent from the opening pages.

I loved the perspective change. It took an ordinary story and turned it on its head. Very good twist. I loved the line, "He had never had the sensation before that she had given him and determined then that she was terrifyingly beautiful."

Suggestions: I like the hook in the opening sentences, but they need reworded to be fully effective. "When I almost killed my ex-boyfriend" doesn't go with going "to jail for murder." If she almost killed him, then she wouldn't go to jail for murder, so why would she be worried? I'd separate your dialogue from your narrative, so it isn't lost and it doesn't become confusing who is saying what. Each time a new person speaks, start a new paragraph. Is the prologue necessary? Sure, we got to see her interaction with her boyfriend and you developed Tess well, but I wonder if it's entirely necessary? Just something to think about. I'd change the "OH DEER!" line. It felt comical at a time when comical isn't what you're going for. At times, some of your sentences felt a little clunky. I'd comb through this and polish where possible, trimming unnecessary words.

Typos: Should be: "parents' couch." Also: "son's life." And "Lord's name." Don't forget the apostrophe! The sentence, "I don't know exactly what it was..." is a run-on. Any time you have two or more independent clauses that are incorrectly connected, it's a run-on. You have a few run-ons in your opening chapters. Should be: "I want to drink him." Should be: "gasp and choke, his face filled with horror." Careful not to use the semi-colon. Should be: "A suburb on the outskirts of Milwaukee, Germantown wasn't..." Should be "lying half-naked." It needs a hyphen.

Teens are eating this type of book up right now, and I could see this having a lot of success. This is a very strong start, and I'm curious to see how these two perspectives collide. Great start!

I LOVE Tess! Her inner dialogue is fresh and funny. What struck me most about her, was the fact that she laughed when she almost killed her ex-boyfriend!
I didn't see the crash coming, it was well done, particularily the way she thought of her mother's words as the car flipped.
I will be back for more.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Kayla,

I really like this, it’s vibrant and different and written in a clear and engaging way. Like your MC a lot. Try not to hide the dialogue amid the paragraphs, it is for me a little off putting, but hey, that’s a minor fix, just start a new line when your dialogue opens up. That aside it’s well written. Sharp text, nice sentence structure and the story drew me in nicely.
All in all a cracking start.
Well done and good luck.

I love the way your main character thinks and theway she acts. I like this story alot and wil continue to read. She draws me in with a sense of danger and curiousity with her voice and she is very easy to relate to for me at least. So far I have throughly enjoyed it. Keep it up.:)

Thank you so much, greatly appreciated!

I love the way your main character thinks and theway she acts. I like this story alot and wil continue to read. She draws me in with a sense of danger and curiousity with her voice and she is very easy to relate to for me at least. So far I have throughly enjoyed it. Keep it up.:)

I read the first 2 of the posted chapters and was quickly drawn into the story. The premise is appealing and the characters real. I would suggest a fix of the formatting: do not hide the dialog among the descriptive [very disconcerting], lack of punctuation makes some of the sentences run-on [found myself re-reading too many sentences and lost the train of thought, which stunted the flow of the story]. In my humble opinion, I feel a look-see by the trained eye of good editor might have been prudent before publishing in e-format. You have a very intriguing storyline. Why not present it in near-perfect form?

Thanks for the feedback, I had more than three people read the story before publishing, however being self published, and in ebook format I obviously don't have an editor. No matter how many times you read a manuscript generally there is always mistakes, however if I ever do put another addition out I will take this into consideration.

Thanks for the once-over :)

Kayla Cargiulo

Chrysta Mane

I read the first 2 of the posted chapters and was quickly drawn into the story. The premise is appealing and the characters real. I would suggest a fix of the formatting: do not hide the dialog among the descriptive [very disconcerting], lack of punctuation makes some of the sentences run-on [found myself re-reading too many sentences and lost the train of thought, which stunted the flow of the story]. In my humble opinion, I feel a look-see by the trained eye of good editor might have been prudent before publishing in e-format. You have a very intriguing storyline. Why not present it in near-perfect form?

Chrysta Mane

Appreciate the read Melissa!

Kayla Cargiulo

i read the first chapter and i did like it. its written really well.
good luck with this,
melissa

If everyone would please excuse the cover image i would be greatful! Something is wrong with the image size and I have not yet found a way to correct it!

Thanks,
Kayla Cargiulo

A really good read! I actually conciously thought as i was reading that i wanted to see what was going to happen next! some really creative imagination and curious things in this book. very entertaining with some dark humor also. when it ended I wanted more!

Thank you!

Kayla Cargiulo

Best of luck to you.... Backed with pleasure
Helen

Thank you very much I truly appreciate it! If you want to own it your can always visit http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/68322 to pick up a copy. Definatly appreciate the read :)

Kayla Cargiulo

Ive backed and starred your book because it is written very well so far and I'd but it!

Liz
The Cheech Room