Alpha Twin - Ex

Steve,

Alpha Twin-Ex has an engaging premise, of a hero and villains who are two sides of the same coin. The lone female superhero against an army of bad guys is a popular video game theme but not worn out yet by any means. (When they make the game, Alyx should be voiced by Jennifer Hale). There are also hints of family warmth and humor that I would encourage you to develop in order to contrast Alyx even more strongly with the evil Gerick.

The Chiara sound like an army of Hulks, fueled by rage. Alyx is supposed to avoid drawing on rage, so she has to activate her powers in a more controlled way. So does she have to avoid anger at all costs, so as not to go over to the dark side? What about righteous indignation? This is an interesting restraint on her abilities.

The Prologue is a pretty good meditation on what war does to us. Prologue and Chapter 1 actually seemed like a two-part prologue to me, with the real story taking off in chapter 2. Chapter 1 tells a lot of backstory and exposition early on. It might be better and more dramatic to condense the chapter into the action of Susanne on maternity leave, called back to Aurelia by a crisis, only to arrive too late to do anything about it. They go into hiding and she continues her work, making a momentous decision . . . but don't reveal all here. Maintain some suspense about Alyx's future role. Maybe say that they vowed to raise her in secret and leave it at that. (It is a nice touch to have moving to Aurelia from Earth be essentially like moving to the suburbs).

Many scenes are narrated from a detached, omniscient point of view that didn't really make it for me. I'd be much more interested, for example, in Gerick's sense of his own self rather than that of an unnamed narrator. There's nothing wrong with sharing POV duties around, if you really need Granger's or the secretary's, for example, but think about who in the scene has the most at stake and the most interesting perspective. In my opinion, Gerick's dialogue and actions reveal enough about him that it isn't necessary to tell about it before he starts talking. Likewise, the scenes with Alyx would probably be strongest from her point of view. On her birthday, she might flash back a little to her childhood -- playing catch with her dad, climbing trees, being home schooled. Did it ever seem odd that she didn't know any other children? Was she trained to control her anger through meditation or something? Was there ever a moment of teenage rebellion? Her perspective on all these things would be more interesting than telling about them from a detached point of view. Likewise, the attempted escape would be interesting and dramatic as seen through her eyes: the experience of jumping off the balcony into the pool, swimming, running, being caught.

I noted the following corrections and suggestions:

Prologue/Ch 1

veil curtain Are both words needed? Either could serve alone.

. . . but the facade that is peace cannot continue on forever . . . This is picky, but I'd cut "on"

. . . it lays, still, like a predator in the long grass . . . You want "lies"

. . . a young couple sit together . . . but this child was no ordinary baby. The paragraph starts out in present tense, then switches to past. Either is fine, but choose one or the other and stick with it.

The boots and cape joke has charm, but it doesn't fit with the tone of everything that has gone before. You'll have to decide on the humor to either tone it down or build it up. And if you build it up, will it be as a gentle warmth or sharper satire? It isn't enough to have people laughing and occasionally making goofy comments. I like that the Taryn family is still able to laugh together, but sometimes it seems inappropriate, as during the escape attempt. Is it nervous or hysterical laughter at that point, or do they really think they've put one over on the bad guys?

Ch 2
Throughout: when a line of simple, declarative dialogue is followed by a dialogue attribution (he said), there should be a comma inside the quotation mark, not a period. When people address each other by name in dialogue, set the name or nickname off with a comma. For example:
"Alright, I'm coming Mom." she replied. Should be: "All right, I'm coming, Mom," she replied. (And if it's clear enough who's speaking that you can drop the attributions, it cleans things up nicely).

No need to capitalize birthday.

he smiled and pulled . . . Capitalize He at the beginning of a new sentence. (smiled is not a verb of speech, so I don't think you meant this as a dialogue attribution).

each others company You want other's, possessive

Granger was build like an Ox . . . You want "built" and "ox". "Built like an ox" and "helpless as a child" are both kind of cliched. I like "strong as a tower crane," though -- a fresher simile than the other two.

afterall should be two words: after all

Grangers right shoulder Add an apostrophe to make it possessive: Granger's

rather loud, rather violently -- the rathers don't add much.

"The "Taryn" situation, Sir." replied a brunette, blue eyed man . . . Repunctuate thus: "The 'Taryn' situation, Sir," replied a brunet, blue-eyed man . . . (I changed the spelling of brunette to the masculine ending, but it might be better just to say brown-haired).

he smiled. Capitalize He.

I don't think the secretary would really clean up the mess herself. She would call in a janitor.

Ch 3
"I thought there was nowhere else to go Dad?" isn't a question, and needs a comma after "go".

Capitalize Mother and Father when used as a name, but not in the generic "your mother" "her father" forms.

Why is the window into Alyx's room from the balcony locked? She was out there at the beginning of the chapter. If she closed and locked it herself, couldn't she unlock it, too? If it needs to be a problem, have her try before Susanne breaks the window.

Alyx noticed she had broken her leg. "Noticed" is a weak verb here. Why not just "Alyx had broken her leg." (And if she healed her broken leg all at once, that would take a tremendous amount of energy and resources. Did she go inside and drink a gallon of milk afterwards? This could be a way to add a humorous touch).

who's mind should be whose mind

asleep inn her bed You want "in"

her eyes took in . . . Capitalize Her

it's own language you want its

This is a really interesting idea that with development and tightening should be a compelling read. Good luck with your revisions! If you haven't discovered it already, they never really end but are almost always worthwhile.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Thanks for all the support folks. Some pretty big changes are happining to the story as I'm not altogether happy with how it's turning out. Hopefully it will make for more compelling reading!

Hi Steve

Really poignant prologue you have here. I do like the premise of this. Sci-fi is something I can sometimes have a hard time getting a grip on, but your first chapter is so easy to read! It does read as a prologue though. The narrative feels, at times, as though it's scene setting as opposed to story telling and I will admit to speed-reading halfway through - I wanted to get to the story! Chapter 2 definitely provided this though.

Your dialogue is very good. Only thing I would say, is that you have some really long sentences that could be broken up a little. Otherwise, I quite liked this.

Starred for now

Silva

Steve, very nice and enjoyable story. The excitement builds throughout the chapters. Everything is very organized and explained, which makes the story very clear to the reader. But I think it at times it needs a bit of chaos, without the chaos it makes the story almost predictable, Mr Evil controls world, captures mom, dad and daughter, daughters escapes and finds she has specials powers, I assume daughter will how go after parents and tries to free world while Mr Evil uses parents as bates for some trap. Sometimes it's good to have a basic story arc like this if you are planning plenty of deviating twists, and it kind of seems like you may be, there are hints at possible interesting scenarios, looking forward to how this one goes.

Also, this is one of the better edited stories out there by far (thank you), the few mistakes I found:

Chapter 1
A month after the breakthrough all of the army sent to take part in the project had had the so called "super-solder gene" implanted into them.

edited: A month after the breakthrough all of the army sent to take part in the project had the so called "super-solider gene" implanted into them.

Chapter 3
Pointing to the pool in the back yard James put his arms around his wife and daughter and hauled them the single story below with him, into the cold water of the pool.

edited: Pointing to the pool in the back yard, James put his arms around his wife and daughter, and hauled them down below with him, into the cold water of the pool.

Chapter 5
Hi mind wandered from thought to though,

edited: His mind wandered from thought to thought,

great idea, told very well; dialogue and narrative are fused with great effect...
l have backed...
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