Lucifer's Crossing

I've read the first three chapters and found it engrossing, no pun intended. As a former police officer, I could empathize with the main character. The details seemed to be spot on. I'm placing this on my shelf until I can get back to it. Tantalizing story, well written.
Might I prevail upon you to check out my offering, 'Kailai and the Dragon Prince'? - Gao Zuojia

You absolutely can! *runs off to read it*

I've read the first three chapters and found it engrossing, no pun intended. As a former police officer, I could empathize with the main character. The details seemed to be spot on. I'm placing this on my shelf until I can get back to it. Tantalizing story, well written.
Might I prevail upon you to check out my offering, 'Kailai and the Dragon Prince'? - Gao Zuojia

Just read the first two chapters and so far it sounds great. You ens each chapter that makes the reader want to tun the page and see what happend next. You imagery is great and the diologue is sooothe and natural. The line about Bentick being almost all asshole was hilarious. Thanks for the read and I will give it high stars.

One of my favourite lines - you are the first to comment on it :)

Thanks for reading

Just read the first two chapters and so far it sounds great. You ens each chapter that makes the reader want to tun the page and see what happend next. You imagery is great and the diologue is sooothe and natural. The line about Bentick being almost all asshole was hilarious. Thanks for the read and I will give it high stars.

Thanks for the comment - all appreciated!

It is clear you have talent. I've only read the first chapter and I plan to come back. I do think that a lot is happening. A lot of characters and situations have been introduced right away and I think that can be a bit confusing. I like the creepy test. I think it's the best part of this so far. You have a talent for writing gore.

A few suggestions that you can take or leave: The paragraphs can be broken up. Some are pretty lengthy. Also, the dialogue is at times unrealistic. I'm not referring to the profanity, that's perfectly fine. It's the level of intelligence with which these characters speak to each other. Also, there is a lot of dialogue.

Overall, a good first chapter. It starts the story right away and promises to be a great thriller.

It is clear you have talent. I've only read the first chapter and I plan to come back. I do think that a lot is happening. A lot of characters and situations have been introduced right away and I think that can be a bit confusing. I like the creepy test. I think it's the best part of this so far. You have a talent for writing gore.

A few suggestions that you can take or leave: The paragraphs can be broken up. Some are pretty lengthy. Also, the dialogue is at times unrealistic. I'm not referring to the profanity, that's perfectly fine. It's the level of intelligence with which these characters speak to each other. Also, there is a lot of dialogue.

Overall, a good first chapter. It starts the story right away and promises to be a great thriller.

Hi Rob - sorry it’s taken me so long to get around to LC. If I’m mean, please take it the right way :)

Pitches: do you need to say “futuristic” in your SP? With a SF genre tag it feels a tad superfluous to me. Also - I’m not sure about the final bit about entwining destiny. For a start, there are four of them so it would be destinies, but I’m also left unsure about what you mean exactly. I’d like it to be punchier; off the top of my head “An ancient rivalry pulls four homicide cops into a deadly play where they must fight for humanity itself”. That’s purely based on what I’ve read of your S and LP. Ignore it if you don’t like it…just playing around to try and make the meaning clearer.

LP - you could probably cut the French-culture cities bit, and I’d capitalise Dark Ages - but the rest is fine with me.

C1: I’m very wary of filter words like “felt” and wonder if you could make your opening sentence into a closer POV statement by saying “George Carver was going to die; or at least that’s what his hangover was telling him.” I’d use this opening to get right inside his head, hammering & pounding included. Otherwise my faux agent is already passing onto someone else who starts right in a character’s mind.

When George enters the chamber, I wonder if it might help to explain its function before he starts getting tested. Not a huge amount, just a little bit to kick-start (perhaps moving the paragraph “He’d played Allister’s games before” to before the rancid odour etc. But that’s possibly just me and my literal brain at work…

At the end of C1, I’m interested and willing to read on. You set up the technology very neatly, and George is coming across as a great character. There aren’t any glaring typos or grammatical/punctuation errors I can see, although there are formatting issues for this upload (which are probably fine in your master version).

C2: I think you need a comma in this sentence: “He was so certain, that he’d broken the usual protocols”. The way you have it makes it sound like he’s certain he’s broken the protocols. Another comma is missing here: “He visually confirmed that his men, in high sniper and peripheral placements, were alert”.

A filter phrase right in the middle of the action here: “Time had seemed to suddenly accelerate”. This would be much more effective as “Time accelerated.” Then I’d go on like this: “Tanner moved; powerful limbs swinging deadly lengths of chain. Once, twice, three times they found their mark, filling the air with red mist…” Do you see what I mean? Even though it’s still past tense, it becomes more immediate and the reader isn’t distanced from the action. You have it written as Lebeau saw this and saw that; which means the reader is 2 characters away from the action.

C3: Still enjoying this. Just be careful sometimes and remember to put a comma before any name, including “princess” and “detective”, otherwise you have an “observation detective”.

I’ve read to the end of C5 and I’m still interested. Good work Rob, 5 stars and staying on my WL.

I can't find it...

"Hi Parker

You're the first to make that statement - others like it. I will have a look to see if it is all needed - I know lots of guys who actually talk like this but realism may need to be sacrificed so it doesn't interfere with the story.

Thanks"

You're welcome. Would you like to give my book a shot? I got the first three chapter of it on this site.

Parker

"Hi Parker

You're the first to make that statement - others like it. I will have a look to see if it is all needed - I know lots of guys who actually talk like this but realism may need to be sacrificed so it doesn't interfere with the story.

Thanks"

You're welcome. Would you like to give my book a shot? I got the first three chapter of it on this site.

Parker

The storyline is pretty cool. I like the freaky test in chapter 1 and the dialog is fun in a Sin City sort of way.

Carver has a lot of depth in his character. I'm not sure he's very likable, although he is playing the hero. He's like a flawed hero. I'd like to see him have a bit more charisma.

You are completely right - I have said that even I'm not sure I like him :D


Typo: “There were two sharp metallic RETORTS…” I would have said reports (like the report of a gun) so if that's what I wrote, I meant to :)

How does Tanner mangle people by whipping around chains? It doesn’t seem possible unless he has supernatural strength. Is that what you are implying?

Good call. In fact he does :)

You're a good writer. I'll back it.

Thank you very much :)

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hi Parker

You're the first to make that statement - others like it. I will have a look to see if it is all needed - I know lots of guys who actually talk like this but realism may need to be sacrificed so it doesn't interfere with the story.

Thanks

I really could not put my mind to your book really because I felt a lot of it had too much profanity in it. Although I do use it myself whenever I work with my own work, I do not make them excessive because the words will become a nuisance to read.

Parker

The storyline is pretty cool. I like the freaky test in chapter 1 and the dialog is fun in a Sin City sort of way.

Carver has a lot of depth in his character. I'm not sure he's very likable, although he is playing the hero. He's like a flawed hero. I'd like to see him have a bit more charisma.

Typo: “There were two sharp metallic RETORTS…”

How does Tanner mangle people by whipping around chains? It doesn’t seem possible unless he has supernatural strength. Is that what you are implying?

You're a good writer. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

I really could not put my mind to your book really because I felt a lot of it had too much profanity in it. Although I do use it myself whenever I work with my own work, I do not make them excessive because the words will become a nuisance to read.

Parker

creepy, and a little disturbing- classic writing style that activate your story to full effect. And with your near perfect dialogue this book a real treat...
backed with six stars******
read SEASONS...

Thanks!

As you know< I have started and watchlisted seasons (may have starred it as well) It is quite good!

creepy, and a little disturbing- classic writing style that activate your story to full effect. And with your near perfect dialogue this book a real treat...
backed with six stars******
read SEASONS...

Backed, and rated 5 stars because I forgot to do it last time :)

Thanks :))

Backed, and rated 5 stars because I forgot to do it last time :)

Curse variation - a good point, as perhaps my own bias is coming through :)

Interesting - I used to have chapter headers that gave the date, time and location of the chapter, because it jumps between settings and somewhere in the high teens, starts going back in time. SOunds like that's a good idea to re-institute.

Thanks for the feedback!

Hey Rob

I read the first two chapters, and was mightily impressed. Your style seems fresh and edgy.

Suggestions: I don't usually read the long pitch as they sometimes give too much away, and sometimes influences what I read. Until the (awesome) part where Carver's being tested/analysed, I had no idea this was set sometime in the future. Maybe a tag in the beginning of the chapter? Your choice, maybe I'm just daft!

I loved 'Tear the man a new asshole' especially. Then another note you could consider: LeBeau also refers to 'assholes', maybe he could say jerks, scumbags, maybe asshole in french ;)

I'll give this a spin on my desk. I liked it.
Cheerio
M.

Hey Rob

I read the first two chapters, and was mightily impressed. Your style seems fresh and edgy.

Suggestions: I don't usually read the long pitch as they sometimes give too much away, and sometimes influences what I read. Until the (awesome) part where Carver's being tested/analysed, I had no idea this was set sometime in the future. Maybe a tag in the beginning of the chapter? Your choice, maybe I'm just daft!

I loved 'Tear the man a new asshole' especially. Then another note you could consider: LeBeau also refers to 'assholes', maybe he could say jerks, scumbags, maybe asshole in french ;)

I'll give this a spin on my desk. I liked it.
Cheerio
M.

Awesome feedback, Catherine - excellent point about the French cities!!

I will do a find/replace on hypervolume - I think I will hyphenate it!

Also will reconsider pitch - thank you for the tightening advice!!

This is a long way from a detective tale by the time we're through :)

Much appreciated

Eye-catching cover art and a strong title. Short pitch is sufficiently intriguing to make me want to read the long pitch, which itself is original enough to make this a 'must read on'. You might want to consider splitting the sentence that starts 'As terror mounts...' as it's a bit of a mouthful. Also, consider starting a new paragraph with 'Lucifer's Crossing spans...'. You could use some white space there.

Chapter one. Excellent opening. Introduces the two characters and their work clearly through their dialogue. Convincing and pacey. The psych testing is an original idea which works well as a literary device. End of the chapter has a great hook.

Chapter two. Strikes me that the long pitch mentioned two French cities, so for the non-US reader, the expectation is that these must be in France, rather than the US and Canada, regardless of the language spoken in these cities. Appears they're not. This wrong-foots the reader slightly. I wonder if removing 'French' from the pitch and using a different adjective might be an idea if you're aiming at a more international audience. The chapter itself if full of tension, and the cyber stuff neatly dovetailed in so as to be part of the action rather than something the reader has to stop and think about.

Chapter three. I wish you'd decide whether 'hypervolume' is one word or two. You use both variations. That aside, this is again an engrossing read, and again you've ended the chapter with a great hook.

General impression: great pace, generally good writing (though needs a light edit here and there to remove odd bits of repetition and that sort of thing), convincing characters complete with 'histories', and the strong impression that this is absolutely not going to be a run-of-the-mill detective story.

Eye-catching cover art and a strong title. Short pitch is sufficiently intriguing to make me want to read the long pitch, which itself is original enough to make this a 'must read on'. You might want to consider splitting the sentence that starts 'As terror mounts...' as it's a bit of a mouthful. Also, consider starting a new paragraph with 'Lucifer's Crossing spans...'. You could use some white space there.

Chapter one. Excellent opening. Introduces the two characters and their work clearly through their dialogue. Convincing and pacey. The psych testing is an original idea which works well as a literary device. End of the chapter has a great hook.

Chapter two. Strikes me that the long pitch mentioned two French cities, so for the non-US reader, the expectation is that these must be in France, rather than the US and Canada, regardless of the language spoken in these cities. Appears they're not. This wrong-foots the reader slightly. I wonder if removing 'French' from the pitch and using a different adjective might be an idea if you're aiming at a more international audience. The chapter itself if full of tension, and the cyber stuff neatly dovetailed in so as to be part of the action rather than something the reader has to stop and think about.

Chapter three. I wish you'd decide whether 'hypervolume' is one word or two. You use both variations. That aside, this is again an engrossing read, and again you've ended the chapter with a great hook.

General impression: great pace, generally good writing (though needs a light edit here and there to remove odd bits of repetition and that sort of thing), convincing characters complete with 'histories', and the strong impression that this is absolutely not going to be a run-of-the-mill detective story.

Wow - thanks!

By chapter three I couldn't stop reading. This is a thriller of the highest quality. Your imagination is impressive. I found myself having to swallow a few times as I read these chapters. And that's a compliment.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

By chapter three I couldn't stop reading. This is a thriller of the highest quality. Your imagination is impressive. I found myself having to swallow a few times as I read these chapters. And that's a compliment.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

As someone has commented, this is probably intended for a male reader, however, I found it drew me in quickly. The dialogue is excellent and you have woven back-story in seamlessly. The pace is quick which is what they want in crime. The description of the murder scene while gruesome isn't going to turn off a squeamish reader. The first chapter definitely has a professional feel. I will watchlist it and read on.
Valerie

:)

Thanks

Yes, I think it is a bit boy focused - if only we read more :O

Read three chapters Wispy. Excitement begins from the very first paragraph and just keeps building.
Very professionally done. Not for the squeamish though.
The boys will definately love this.
Best wishes, Orma
The Paranormal Books Thread

Read three chapters Wispy. Excitement begins from the very first paragraph and just keeps building.
Very professionally done. Not for the squeamish though.
The boys will definately love this.
Best wishes, Orma
The Paranormal Books Thread

What a beginning, a decapitated corpse straight from the get go, love it - what a hook! I like the world you've created, the only thing that confused me was some of the technology, deeper explanations of their purpose and use would help, because sometimes a charter would mention an item of technology and i felt like i was guessing its use, but apart from that an intriguing story :-)

I dig the voice.

The dialogue is fun. The profanity keeps me interested.

Looking forward to reading more.

Thanks for reading and even more so for commenting!

I suspect that the logical break point occurs either after Bentick's departure or after Allison's little examination is complete - I suspect the former might flow best. Was that what you envisioned?

You sure have a great sense of humor. Your writing flows and give a good image of what we are supposed to see. That’s pretty important. I think, however, you should describe some of your scenes more. Not much just so we know exactly where the characters are at the time.

Overall, good story and very intriguing. I think your best quality is your dialogue. It really runs nicely and reads quickly. I think without it your writing would be just as good as everyone else on here. And . . I would probably split the chapter in two. It’s a bit long.
6 stars.

“That slut.” use exclamation point. it will come off the page better.

You sure have a great sense of humor. Your writing flows and give a good image of what we are supposed to see. That’s pretty important. I think, however, you should describe some of your scenes more. Not much just so we know exactly where the characters are at the time.

Overall, good story and very intriguing. I think your best quality is your dialogue. It really runs nicely and reads quickly. I think without it your writing would be just as good as everyone else on here. And . . I would probably split the chapter in two. It’s a bit long.
6 stars.

“That slut.” use exclamation point. it will come off the page better.

You sure have a great sense of humor. Your writing flows and give a good image of what we are supposed to see. That’s pretty important. I think, however, you should describe some of your scenes more. Not much just so we know exactly where the characters are at the time.

Overall, good story and very intriguing. I think your best quality is your dialogue. It really runs nicely and reads quickly. I think without it your writing would be just as good as everyone else on here. And . . I would probably split the chapter in two. It’s a bit long.
6 stars.

“That slut.” use exclamation point. it will come off the page better.

You sure have a great sense of humor. Your writing flows and give a good image of what we are supposed to see. That’s pretty important. I think, however, you should describe some of your scenes more. Not much just so we know exactly where the characters are at the time.

Overall, good story and very intriguing. I think your best quality is your dialogue. It really runs nicely and reads quickly. I think without it your writing would be just as good as everyone else on here. And . . I would probably split the chapter in two. It’s a bit long.
6 stars.

“That slut.” use exclamation point. it will come off the page better.

Thanks to all of you for the edits - Chapter One is now fixed!

Hi

Thanks so much for the comments. LC won't be fully posted here for a long while as it is undergoing revision and is number three just on my writing priority list!

I would like to think that you have identified some characteristics that the story retains to the end. There are soooo many more ideas than just a big book ender coming at you in this one!

:)

LC is a trilogy with the Thirteenth Son and The Power - ambitious to say since it is under revision, TS is two thirds written and the Power has an outline and the last paragraph :) This all by way of saying that it takes a long time to tell the whole story.

The details of the decapitation are critical to them finding out what is doing this, which, it turns out,is an elaborate invitation to these detectives to come and play with their supernatural destiny...

I will eventually post more. Hope you continue to enjoy it.

Dear R Andrews

Just a note to say I am putting this on my watchlist.

I'll feedback on it when it's finished if I think I can add something useful. You won't get editing feedback from me, since I'm more interested in all books on this site as stories. As long as I don't get tripped up with endless grammar and spelling issues I'll keep reading.

The reasons I have taken an interest are, in this particular order:

1 The narrative voice. In my humble opinion, this is very strong. Frankly, I have ranged across several promising looking books recently on this site and given up after two chapters, simply because I couldn't tell if it was tge same writer responsible for them all. Keep that going.

2 Plot. This is stacking up very well so far. The general environment and feel has me interested. At the moment I think I'm going to get treated to a good character story, given the interactions so far. I trust it won't all hinge on a single idea revealed in the final paragraph of the book, because there's no need on the current evidence. Unless it's a stupendous idea, of course. Then I would welcome that.

One issue arises, purely from a storytelling perspective:

Autopsy scene in ch 3. My question is simply this - did we have to spend so much time on the detail of the beheading? It might be that we should, but only if it turns out to be so central to the plot that it is justified. Presently, a little homunculus lurking behind the real me, somewhere at the back of my brain, was asking where we were going with these points.

Anyhow - I am not here to tell you how to tell your story. That last point was just a reflection for you.

I look forward to it developing and wish you every success,

Pavane.

Dear R Andrews

Just a note to say I am putting this on my watchlist.

I'll feedback on it when it's finished if I think I can add something useful. You won't get editing feedback from me, since I'm more interested in all books on this site as stories. As long as I don't get tripped up with endless grammar and spelling issues I'll keep reading.

The reasons I have taken an interest are, in this particular order:

1 The narrative voice. In my humble opinion, this is very strong. Frankly, I have ranged across several promising looking books recently on this site and given up after two chapters, simply because I couldn't tell if it was tge same writer responsible for them all. Keep that going.

2 Plot. This is stacking up very well so far. The general environment and feel has me interested. At the moment I think I'm going to get treated to a good character story, given the interactions so far. I trust it won't all hinge on a single idea revealed in the final paragraph of the book, because there's no need on the current evidence. Unless it's a stupendous idea, of course. Then I would welcome that.

One issue arises, purely from a storytelling perspective:

Autopsy scene in ch 3. My question is simply this - did we have to spend so much time on the detail of the beheading? It might be that we should, but only if it turns out to be so central to the plot that it is justified. Presently, a little homunculus lurking behind the real me, somewhere at the back of my brain, was asking where we were going with these points.

Anyhow - I am not here to tell you how to tell your story. That last point was just a reflection for you.

I look forward to it developing and wish you every success,

Pavane.

Fabulous

Thanks for the detailed critique - I will make some changes (when is anyone's guess, but I think these are good)

George isn't quite a panty waist mama's boy, but he has his moments!

Hi. I'm gonna go at this chapter by chapter. Great opening paragraph, tho you might need a repair on the sentence with the semi (placement).

Second para: not sure if you did it for effect (I sometimes repeat lines within chapters to hammer certain points home), but the line 'He hadn't really any choice.' is in there twice, and it's a pretty soft line anyway. It would only be effective if George was a panty-waist mama's boy. 'He had no choice.' is straight to the point, but might sound better.

"Oh sweetheart.../ /...wipe my ass!" [The laughter was repeated] <--Just my opinion, but you could easily kill this last line. Your dialogue is great and doesn't need the added crutch.

From there it was smooth sailing. A few commas here and there (most notably the third last line in ch 1: "Oh(,) you'll have company anyway(,) George." Great story so far. The heavy dialogue sections keep it moving along nicely. I'll catch up with chapter 2 later in the week. Cha cha.

Gerry

Hi. I'm gonna go at this chapter by chapter. Great opening paragraph, tho you might need a repair on the sentence with the semi (placement).

Second para: not sure if you did it for effect (I sometimes repeat lines within chapters to hammer certain points home), but the line 'He hadn't really any choice.' is in there twice, and it's a pretty soft line anyway. It would only be effective if George was a panty-waist mama's boy. 'He had no choice.' is straight to the point, but might sound better.

"Oh sweetheart.../ /...wipe my ass!" [The laughter was repeated] <--Just my opinion, but you could easily kill this last line. Your dialogue is great and doesn't need the added crutch.

From there it was smooth sailing. A few commas here and there (most notably the third last line in ch 1: "Oh(,) you'll have company anyway(,) George." Great story so far. The heavy dialogue sections keep it moving along nicely. I'll catch up with chapter 2 later in the week. Cha cha.

Gerry

Thanks so much for the feedback - this is a work in progress (long progress if you read "Chapter 4" and one I have to juggle with final edits to WiSpY and intrusions (including professional writing) from this damn reality!

Very much appreciate the comments and will post more as soon as I can.

Okay, I like this...very much.
Carver, world weary a lot on his plate...bless him! and not only does he have headless, munched on bodies to deal with but he has Bentick winding him up. Great interaction between these two. The suit was a good idea, giving a hint at the future setting, but also a nifty way to get in some backstory and reveal a little of Carver's messed up psyche.
The details of the murder and investigation seemed very realistic and the sub plot of the escaping prisoner, thrown in to get us thinking on connections/hooks/red herrings was good.
Great dialogue and pace. The only problem I could find was in the length of what's posted. Let me know if you add some more and I'll read on.
Great stuff, highly rated.
Best of luck.

Babs

Okay, I like this...very much.
Carver, world weary a lot on his plate...bless him! and not only does he have headless, munched on bodies to deal with but he has Bentick winding him up. Great interaction between these two. The suit was a good idea, giving a hint at the future setting, but also a nifty way to get in some backstory and reveal a little of Carver's messed up psyche.
The details of the murder and investigation seemed very realistic and the sub plot of the escaping prisoner, thrown in to get us thinking on connections/hooks/red herrings was good.
Great dialogue and pace. The only problem I could find was in the length of what's posted. Let me know if you add some more and I'll read on.
Great stuff, highly rated.
Best of luck.

Babs

High praise indeed coming from you, sir!

Thanks - I like the story line (and it's a long one:) ) and the characters, but I would agree tweaking is needed!

This has the makings of a superior tale. Needs a little tweaking but others are much better at the nitty-gritty than I am - ask Becca, she is brill at editing. :)

This has the makings of a superior tale. Needs a little tweaking but others are much better at the nitty-gritty than I am - ask Becca, she is brill at editing. :)

That's a very interesting prisoner - trust me :)

Very interesting subplot going on with the prisoner-got me guessing where that was going. Like the contiuned dialogue b/n Bentick and Carver. Great job! Well written and polished.
Dina of The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

Very interesting subplot going on with the prisoner-got me guessing where that was going. Like the contiuned dialogue b/n Bentick and Carver. Great job! Well written and polished.
Dina of The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

Ah yes - the cyber suit does a few things

One is put us in the future

Two is show us the level of paranoia of the homicide dept (matters later)

Three gets us another look at the headless thing.

Aside from that it's just a cool idea :D

This is great! BTW-George Carver invented something-peanuts maybe? He's famous. Love the whole cannibal/decap plot-holds my attention and the book is definately staying on my shelf! Like the banter between the two guys at the beginning-sounded like a natural-busting balls kind of thing. My only critique, which might be ironed out as I read on, is the psych suit thing. Not sure why it's put in the middle-seems he would go directly to the scene.
Dina of Halo of the Damned

This is great! BTW-George Carver invented something-peanuts maybe? He's famous. Love the whole cannibal/decap plot-holds my attention and the book is definately staying on my shelf! Like the banter between the two guys at the beginning-sounded like a natural-busting balls kind of thing. My only critique, which might be ironed out as I read on, is the psych suit thing. Not sure why it's put in the middle-seems he would go directly to the scene.
Dina of Halo of the Damned

thanks, you three!

I left a comment (and an offer) on your page about a week ago.

I did the same for Al, and he sent a chapter which I commented on and returned. I think he found that useful.

I very much appreciate the comments here and the backing :)

Backed Lucifer's Crossing. Impressive beginning. Relentless in the pace of the narrative, utterly convincing in the depiction of the characters. The action moves swiftly and the violence is satisfyingly gruesome. Since Al gave tips on Chapter 1, we will concentrate on Chapter 2. Hope our comments and suggestions will be of help when you decide to revise.

1. Last sentence of paragraph we suggest might be better as Stephan and his team…
2. Paragraph 4 needs a comma after the word gesture.

Look at the length of some of your sentences. Some sentences would read better if divided into 2 or even 3 smaller sentences. Such as First paragraph- Second sentence, Paragraph 5- fourth sentences, Paragraph 6- Second sentence, and Paragraph 8-Last sentence.

Example of how you might change the last sentence of paragraph 8. He saw and heard those chains find a mark once…twice…three times. The air filled with a red mist. Blood sprayed across the tiled floor of the concourse.

Hope you will take time to read and comment on our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Backed Lucifer's Crossing. Impressive beginning. Relentless in the pace of the narrative, utterly convincing in the depiction of the characters. The action moves swiftly and the violence is satisfyingly gruesome. Since Al gave tips on Chapter 1, we will concentrate on Chapter 2. Hope our comments and suggestions will be of help when you decide to revise.

1. Last sentence of paragraph we suggest might be better as Stephan and his team…
2. Paragraph 4 needs a comma after the word gesture.

Look at the length of some of your sentences. Some sentences would read better if divided into 2 or even 3 smaller sentences. Such as First paragraph- Second sentence, Paragraph 5- fourth sentences, Paragraph 6- Second sentence, and Paragraph 8-Last sentence.

Example of how you might change the last sentence of paragraph 8. He saw and heard those chains find a mark once…twice…three times. The air filled with a red mist. Blood sprayed across the tiled floor of the concourse.

Hope you will take time to read and comment on our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Interesting! I assume this is a line of work you are familiar with, so I am all ears!! (um, eyes, I guess.) Being neither a psychologist/psychiatrist or homicide detective I appreciate any technical info that will sharpen this for readers. Thanks, please let me know how I might make this read better.

Just a quick comment for now - '... relishing the gory details...' would be indicative of sociopathic tendencies/severe personality disorder rather than psychosis. In the next paragraph - '...Allister knew what psychosis looked like on paper...' - doesn't sit easy with me for the same reason. Otherwise, found the first chapter interesting and well-written and will read more and update my comment in a few days.

Hope this is helpful,
Maisie

Just a quick comment for now - '... relishing the gory details...' would be indicative of sociopathic tendencies/severe personality disorder rather than psychosis. In the next paragraph - '...Allister knew what psychosis looked like on paper...' - doesn't sit easy with me for the same reason. Otherwise, found the first chapter interesting and well-written and will read more and update my comment in a few days.

I'd suggest not using anything too technical - there are many categories of personality disorder and I'm not an expert on them. It would become too complex to try to pinpoint it in your scene and would spoil it, I think, so I'd suggest maybe '...relishing the gory detail that might engross a potential psychopath.' I think 'psychopath' is probably easily understood by most people. The term isn't much used by psych professionals as far as I'm aware, but I think it would be likely to be used by a character such as George rather than other terminology. For the next part maybe something like '...Allister knew what a sadistic personality looked like...' or '...Allister knew what psychopathy looked like...'

Ah, just read C.3 and see it is the word you use there!

C.3 - in the second section - 'the D'? I don't understand.

An enjoyable read, let me know if you post more.

Hope this is helpful,
Maisie

Constructive criticism always appreciated - Thanks Al!

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. A smart, fiesty main character. Clever wit. Good world building. Vivid imagery. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... the Chief Inspector's message on his cydeck at 7 am had forced him to make the trip.' '7 am' should be ' 7 a.m.' or, better yet, 'seven a.m.'
2) 'the laughter was repeated.' Capitalize 'the.'
3) "C'mon now honey, you'll hurt my feelings." Comma after 'now.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
4) ' ... seemingly lost in a reverie about the last evenings' events.' Evenings' (plural possessive) should be evening's (singular possessive).
5) Bentick shrugged again, "You think of anything else ... " Period after 'again.'
6) "Yes George, I know." Comma after 'yes.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where someone is addressed in dialogue, but their name or title isn't offset with commas.
7) Hyphenate 'thirty seven.' There is another case where a dual number should be hyphenated.
8) "Yes" Brown highlighted the large mass ... Period after 'Yes.'
9) Carver smiled, "And I guess I'm the guy who'll ... " Period after 'smiled.'

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffled your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al