The Sins of the Father

Your opening chapter seems almost superfluous. But I'll begin with the pitch:
I'm not too bothered about having too much reality in fictional works, but right from the off I didn't buy that a middle eastern terrorist group would be funded by the sale of cannabis. The marijuana illegally imported into the U.S. comes from Mexico and various other south American countries; the remainder is home grown. In the UK, while a lot does come from central and eastern Europe, again, a lot, maybe even most of it, is home grown. Only very small amounts of rare strains come from the middle east; they just don't have much of a supply chain for it.
So, okay, that doesn't really bother me. Perhaps I'm about to read an enthralling account of a shadowy, unconventional drug smuggling operation. It'd better be good though.

The idea of two judges, one in America the other here, being major players in a significant reform of drug laws does show a lot of promise. There are reasonable arguments for both sides, for or against legalisation. Personally, I don't think cannabis should be legalised, but also, I wouldn't be surprised or overly concerned if it was.
A unilateral agreement though? OK, maybe. It does feel a little like the story either can't make up its mind where it's set, or it's trying to be as big as possible.

The terrorists attempt to assassinate one of the judges. Which may, or may not, be a sufficient means of stopping what would need to be a political movement with quite some momentum and force behind it. It might be worth asking yourself if killing one of the judges would have the desired effect – it might have the opposite effect.
It may well be that in order to ruin any changes to legislation, all it would take is to kill one person. In order for that to be believable, and change what could be a wayward plot into a meticulous one, there will need to be a convincing portrayal of the political landscape.
Ambitious; but then there's nothing wrong with that: the more ambitious the better.

The terrorists then go on to find out that Judge Bristol is something to do with a crime family.
I have no idea at this point if the judge has tried to hide those connections. She could have declared them and still been a judge - anyone in her position would be subject to checks, and it may well have been more prudent for her to declare those connections rather than cover them up. And if she did cover them up, and they are uncovered, I wonder if the best course of action for the terrorists would be to blackmail her rather than kill her? Sometimes, discrediting someone can cause more damage to their political goals than even a bullet can.

Moving on to the first chapter: McKinnon is one of the stupidest villains of all time. He gets a chance at freedom, but even though a guard escapes and is sure to raise the alarm, McKinnon carries on giving a speech long enough that he gets himself shot by armed police.

I have friends in the police who are part of the local armed response unit. First of all, you'll need to check there is any such thing as armed guards at British court rooms – there may well be, but when dealing with a criminal of McKinnon's apparent notoriety, it's likely armed police would have delivered him, and they wouldn't have been far from the court room (I'll accept someone was able to smuggle a gun in without being checked, as that could happen).
Secondly, there is little to zero chance that my friends in the armed police would burst into a room where a potential hostage situation was taking place without first of all trying to negotiate a peaceful conclusion. In fact, for them to burst in in the way you describe, the assailant would have to have started executing people left, right and centre. (I appreciate it had all just kicked off and shots had been fired.)

To go back a bit - it was a surprise McKinnon didn't pick up the gun lying on the floor. I'm also hoping the hero who picks up the gun and fires two perfect shots into the first assailant is either ex-SAS or he's a Royal Marine, or he's a member of a gun club. Otherwise, his hero act does sound a bit too Hollywood. Which is fine, if that's what you're going for. If what you want is feasible, credible and to be taken seriously, then no, I'm afraid there are too many familiar elements in the opening chapter that made me think perhaps you were trying to grab the reader's attention while also insulting their intelligence.
All-action starts are fine, but what you've provided is a stock villain in a familiar situation for crime thriller fans. That won't bother a lot of people; the question is, does it bother you?

There are some big themes here. My concern is how well they all work together. We have the crusading judges; we have a terrorist group funded by the illegal drugs trade; we have a crime family. Putting all of those things together in a tight package will make for one hell of an intriguing read. Or – and this is my fear – it may all turn out to be a case of jamming too many shocking and big issues into one book without any of those things gelling into place.

I'll read on in the hope my fears are unjustified. I also know what you're like, so I'll don a tin hat for a few days and stay away from the windows.

I must say, that was an absolute blockbuster of an opening chapter. Rarely on this site have I encountered such brilliantly maintained tension, and the dialogue of the defendant was utterly chilling - and very very authentic sounding.

The confidence of your descriptiveness was startlingly impressive. The sound reminiscent of a Jew's Harp when the judge became dizzy was THE sound I heard during the odd occasions where I fainted as a child. It perfectly encapsulates the weirdness and surrealism of a person struggling against losing consciousness.

All in all this is brilliant writing, and it'll most certainly be shelved in the coming few days. Six stars given without hesitation.

Very best wishes for its success.

Pete

i read your first two chapters. this is really good. despite not being my typical genre, i'll find a spot on my shelf in the coming days.

although the prologue is good, i wonder if you could start with chapter one- which blew me away. i can see all the action and read with my heart in my throat.

i stumbled over some of your punctuation- missing commas, a ? that should go after "condemned her". easy fixes.

i like the opening bit about her eyes not being windows to her soul and the detail about her itchy head. i enjoyed this.

A dramatic opening leading into a tightly plotted thriller of the American style. Action aplently, but strong dialogue too.

Nits? Well, the opening scene is a little confusing, but I suspect that's deliberate--and I've a feeling that anyone experiencing such a scene would be confused. Then there was a passage of dialogue between Digger and her friend in the second chapter that, for me, could have used perhaps one or two more tags or beats to remind me who was speaking. Otherwise, nothing much comes to mind.

You certainly quickly set up questions to keep readers turning the pages. Good work. On my shelf already and highly starred.

I love this book.. fast, furious and making me turn pages is esactly what i want from a thriller.

I read the first chapter. Its a mouthful. I noted however you describe a defender putting hands in pocket. That's far from accurate. Defendants aren't allowed to put hands in pockets in court.

I've read this chapter in an earlier version, but I'm more impressed than ever by the unique voice (both tough and often darkly comic) and the manic timing.

Dialogue is extradordinary while still tight - it shoots at us like bullets, and each bullet hits. Granted, the plot takes a suspension of disbelief, but I didn't notice it happening at all, and by the end of the chapter I was a believer. The story is real. It's happening.

This chapter is probably more visual than other books on the site - not in terms of descriptives, but more like a movie or a play. There is no time for pondering in works like this - the scene is moving ahead steadily and this makes it ideal for translation to other media.

Brilliant.
I am reading on and will post again.

loved the premise, read the first couple of chapters. Would echo some of the other comments though, it seemed a tad confusing at times and I couldn't quite get a grip on it. I got the general outline, but I think the detail was lost on me, perhaps because I was focusing on the odd incorrect details (gavels in British courts for eg, we don't have them). I think that sort of thing and some of the wider plot discrepancies focus the reader away from the good stuff.

That said, I think if it was tightened up and was fact checked then it could be a corker. it is the sort of book I'd pick up for holiday reading.

The writing in this is generally adequate, though punctuation is often wrong (and very misleading at times – the comma has a function and is not simply page decoration) and the vocabulary is clichéd. At times it’s simply bizarre – ‘leaping over the great wooden barrier in a single bound’; how many bounds could he do it in while still leaping over it? By ‘bound’ do you mean ‘leap’ (so that he leaps over it in one leap) or are you aiming for some kind of kangaroo effect?

The absence of knowledge or thought shows iself throughout – the court the slowest stenographer in the world (how is she still typing after both judge and defendant have done their little dances at the beginning? I could type the line by then and correct my typos – no mean feat). Still, she can lip-read, doesn’t know her job and goes to court inappropriately dressed and sitting in the wrong place.

Badly written and edited lines appear all the way through. ‘Her cheeks filled red..’ Huh? Attempts at some kind of cleverness are usually misbegotten, teenage stuff: ‘Justice Claire Bristol possessed exceptionally cold, clear, blue eyes – though their clarity revealed no window to her soul.’ Apart from wondering where she kept these possessions, this is just barren – and the common phrase suggests that the eyes ARE windows to the soul, not that you see windows through them. Later, she doodles and it would be ‘undecipherable to any third party’; who is the second party and where is he/she hiding? There are repetitions – people like wrinkling their foreheads a lot here – and inconsistencies: it is Justice Bristol, then it is Judge Bristol.

The paragraph beginning ‘What do you want?’ is so bad it could be used as an example of how not to write. Seriously, it is apalling.

Looking through other chapters your naivety with language seems to get worse: ‘unphased’ had me chuckling. I found it hard to chuckle when you have a black man saying ‘dem tings’. Well, massa, dis looks like one of dem racist tings to me. Still, having established your intimate knowledge of black people and their – what shall we say? Patois? Quaint way of talking? - you then let him say ‘I don’t understand. Why would somebody want to shoot Brooke?’ I half-expected ‘old chap’, at the end of that. From then on he talks like a gent. You know, a white gent. This whole conversation, by the way is excruciatingly bad – you do so many interminable, sleep-inducing conversations, but this is foul. You simply have no idea what you are doing. ‘Yardies’ and ‘Jamaicans’ are not synonyms, you might like to hear (whisper it who dares, but there are many law-abiding Jamaicans of all colours not affiliated to criminal gangs. Though you might like to know as your careful research into the underworld failed to throw that smippet up). Still, you’re not deliberately being offensive, are you? Just being a naive, ignorant hack out to make a bit of money, just being... you. It’s nice that you recognise black people’s essential humanity, allowing him to ‘blush beneath his black skin’. Do you think it is one of dem mask tings, and that really we’re all white under the skin? No, I don’t think you are racist. To be honest, your depiction of working class people is pretty weird too, but that is largely because you have no ear for dialogue – was this written while watching really bad television programmes?

What I find most difficult is the unreality of it all – there’s no sense of any connection with the world, and it feels like it has been written from other books and some poor gangster films. The characters, such as they are, are cardboard, the descriptions of both them and the action are ‘off the peg’ and seem to have been culled from third-rate thrillers (some dating back to the 1930s). The vocabulary is poor and the number of wrongly used words surpasses anything I have read on authonomy. And it is simply... flat. Presumably this will be described as just a pulp fiction, thriller type book. However, such books also have techniques and standards.

I think there are the bones of a decent story here and the basic skills to write it; but it will take some serious work and care. And, perhaps, the humility to go away and learn.

Thanks . . . But you're an idiot. Interestingly, Superman managed to leap tall buildings in a single bound, who knew? British courts don't have stenographers.

And as for the language of 'black people' - you have no clue. Please don't advise anybody else. \my family speaks the Queen's English, patios and accent are used sparingly, depending on who they are speaking to, and the subject matter - u get me, blud?

The writing in this is generally adequate, though punctuation is often wrong (and very misleading at times – the comma has a function and is not simply page decoration) and the vocabulary is clichéd. At times it’s simply bizarre – ‘leaping over the great wooden barrier in a single bound’; how many bounds could he do it in while still leaping over it? By ‘bound’ do you mean ‘leap’ (so that he leaps over it in one leap) or are you aiming for some kind of kangaroo effect?

The absence of knowledge or thought shows iself throughout – the court the slowest stenographer in the world (how is she still typing after both judge and defendant have done their little dances at the beginning? I could type the line by then and correct my typos – no mean feat). Still, she can lip-read, doesn’t know her job and goes to court inappropriately dressed and sitting in the wrong place.

Badly written and edited lines appear all the way through. ‘Her cheeks filled red..’ Huh? Attempts at some kind of cleverness are usually misbegotten, teenage stuff: ‘Justice Claire Bristol possessed exceptionally cold, clear, blue eyes – though their clarity revealed no window to her soul.’ Apart from wondering where she kept these possessions, this is just barren – and the common phrase suggests that the eyes ARE windows to the soul, not that you see windows through them. Later, she doodles and it would be ‘undecipherable to any third party’; who is the second party and where is he/she hiding? There are repetitions – people like wrinkling their foreheads a lot here – and inconsistencies: it is Justice Bristol, then it is Judge Bristol.

The paragraph beginning ‘What do you want?’ is so bad it could be used as an example of how not to write. Seriously, it is apalling.

Looking through other chapters your naivety with language seems to get worse: ‘unphased’ had me chuckling. I found it hard to chuckle when you have a black man saying ‘dem tings’. Well, massa, dis looks like one of dem racist tings to me. Still, having established your intimate knowledge of black people and their – what shall we say? Patois? Quaint way of talking? - you then let him say ‘I don’t understand. Why would somebody want to shoot Brooke?’ I half-expected ‘old chap’, at the end of that. From then on he talks like a gent. You know, a white gent. This whole conversation, by the way is excruciatingly bad – you do so many interminable, sleep-inducing conversations, but this is foul. You simply have no idea what you are doing. ‘Yardies’ and ‘Jamaicans’ are not synonyms, you might like to hear (whisper it who dares, but there are many law-abiding Jamaicans of all colours not affiliated to criminal gangs. Though you might like to know as your careful research into the underworld failed to throw that smippet up). Still, you’re not deliberately being offensive, are you? Just being a naive, ignorant hack out to make a bit of money, just being... you. It’s nice that you recognise black people’s essential humanity, allowing him to ‘blush beneath his black skin’. Do you think it is one of dem mask tings, and that really we’re all white under the skin? No, I don’t think you are racist. To be honest, your depiction of working class people is pretty weird too, but that is largely because you have no ear for dialogue – was this written while watching really bad television programmes?

What I find most difficult is the unreality of it all – there’s no sense of any connection with the world, and it feels like it has been written from other books and some poor gangster films. The characters, such as they are, are cardboard, the descriptions of both them and the action are ‘off the peg’ and seem to have been culled from third-rate thrillers (some dating back to the 1930s). The vocabulary is poor and the number of wrongly used words surpasses anything I have read on authonomy. And it is simply... flat. Presumably this will be described as just a pulp fiction, thriller type book. However, such books also have techniques and standards.

I think there are the bones of a decent story here and the basic skills to write it; but it will take some serious work and care. And, perhaps, the humility to go away and learn.

Wanting to check up on Zyg's comment about gavels, I noticed something else you could change. That the duty official doesn't bow towards the Royal Coat of Arms as he enters would be an offense, and the judge would react to that.

I'm not from the UK, but here you can find some info that might help polish the scene for those familiar with the workings of the court in UK: http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/about-the-judiciary/introduction-to-justice-system/court-traditions (Research can be a good thing sometimes Loz :) )

I can see this book would be popular with some readers, but it's just not in my taste. Brooklyn Writer summed up the points I wanted to make, and then some.

Small point but... British judges have never used gavels.

Your thread made me curious, so I stopped by. I'm not sure what your intent is for the piece at this point, whether you are going for the desk, sending it out, self-publishing etc. In any case, I notice right off there's a grammar error in your long pitch:

"A middle eastern terrorist group financed by drugs decide to take action rather than suffer the loss of income."
. . .

Thank you so much for thorough and carefully considered comments. I'm not going for desk because I know there's nothing there. The opening is so complex because I am running too many themes. The feeling unwell and the out of body experience is brought on not only by the situation but she is also experiencing and ectopic pregnancy.

I may remove the complication. I thank you for your advice.

Your thread made me curious, so I stopped by. I'm not sure what your intent is for the piece at this point, whether you are going for the desk, sending it out, self-publishing etc. In any case, I notice right off there's a grammar error in your long pitch:

"A middle eastern terrorist group financed by drugs decide to take action rather than suffer the loss of income."

First, at least in American English, Middle Eastern would get capitalized. More importantly, it should be "decides" as your subject is one group. That might seem like nitpicking but if you sent it out, whomever you sent it to would notice and be less likely to read. If you self-published with a mistake like that in your description, it might turn off readers, especially those who have bad experiences with the cheapie, self-published books.

I'm not a frequent thriller reader, so everything I say might be moot, but for me the premise immediately raises questions. I'm willing to accept the idea of that the drug trade sometimes finances terrorism. Even the UN Security Council has made that leap. However, that cannabis would be funding a Middle Eastern group seems unlikely. At least in the US, most marijuana is either home grown (thank you famers of Humboldt County) or imported from Mexico or Central America. While Mexican druglords have been terrorizing that country, that's not what you are implying.

There is much more evidence of a link between the heroin trade and Mid East groups, especially as there's massive poppy farming in Afganistan. So I would have found the premise more believable if it either involved Latin American terrorists or heroin decriminalization.

Then again, I'm not your audience. Nor am I an agent or editor.

Regarding the opening chapter, I do know that the few thrillers that have captured my attention have done so with openings that hooked me immediately. Your first chapter didn't do that for me.

The conventional wisdom says "don't start with dialogue." In this case, it holds true. Your first line tells us nothing. I didn't find anything interesting in those first few lines. This is what first got my attention:

"Justice Claire Bristol possessed exceptionally cold, clear, blue eyes – though their clarity revealed no window to her soul. "

Good line. I'd straight out cut everything before that.

The problem that I had after that was the way the paragraphs were formatted. They need to be broken up more with dialogue separating them. You also could cut some of the adverbs and move this along more quickly. Although the judge's suddenly experiencing some transcendental thing right before everything happens was well-written, it doesn't really serve the chapter, and I found something stagey about her seeing everything as if out of her body. Having had the experience of having a gun drawn on me and thinking there was a good chance I'd be shot, I didn't see everything as if watching a play. Time slowed down, however ,(as it does right before a car crash) and I was able to observe everything around me.

"Claire watched her body visibly shaking as her moistened eyes shifted toward the gun that she could not see. But she could see it. She could see herself, and a man was holding her at gunpoint, and she knew the fear she smelled was not his. She swallowed, licked her lips, and prayed."

This would read better IMHO if told from without the double perspective. It complicates things. It's more effective if she feels her body and maybe even tastes her tears only then realizing they were falling, and smells her own fear -- perhaps even feeling momentary embarrassment about it.

I think you should probably end the chapter on the dramatic note of the judge in her chambers. What should be the next chapter should start with the italicized newstory. I don't think the secretary (they call them assistants now in the States) should come in. I don't know what Alex does, but if he works in front of a computer there's a good chance he'd see the story pretty quickly. You can establish that he's Claire's husband and maybe even some other stuff. Unless it turns out that he's involved with this and it wasn't a surprise, we should also get this from his POV with his feelings.

I didn't read the other chapters. I looked at them and noticed a lot of different characters POV's. I don't necessarily think that's a problem, but it could be if readers don't feel the story coming together, especially in this genre. I realize that you are well-ranked on Authonomy heading toward the desk, but my guess is as good as this manuscript might be, you'll need to do some serious trimming to get it taken seriously by HC.

Shelved.

Lol - I read the first chapter, and was impressed by the visual impact of your scene. But what was missing for me was a human I could get attached to, whose story I wanted to follow. I thought it was going to be the judge, but she became more and more shadowy to me as the scene played out. I know this is a thriller, but I like my thrillers to have a strong psychological dimension. So, sorry, you've lost me.

Brilliant camera work. That's how it reads – a smooth montage of deftly shot frames creating tension and intrigue. You've got a great talent for focus – knowing what to show the reader next and how. The visuals are fabulous. I like the almost complete absence of anything beneath the surface. It keeps us in the atmosphere of a courtroom but at the same time creates mystery. And again is a very cinematic device. Action scene is brilliant. Not a wasted word. I'm there, I'm seeing it all, living it. The prose has got the beat too. Nice rhythms. Really enjoyed this.

Your opening chapter seems almost superfluous. But I'll begin with the pitch:
I'm not too bothered about having too much reality in fictional works, but right from the off I didn't buy that a middle eastern terrorist group would be funded by the sale of cannabis. The marijuana illegally imported into the U.S. comes from Mexico and various other south American countries; the remainder is home grown. In the UK, while a lot does come from central and eastern Europe, again, a lot, maybe even most of it, is home grown. Only very small amounts of rare strains come from the middle east; they just don't have much of a supply chain for it.
So, okay, that doesn't really bother me. Perhaps I'm about to read an enthralling account of a shadowy, unconventional drug smuggling operation. It'd better be good though.

The idea of two judges, one in America the other here, being major players in a significant reform of drug laws does show a lot of promise. There are reasonable arguments for both sides, for or against legalisation. Personally, I don't think cannabis should be legalised, but also, I wouldn't be surprised or overly concerned if it was.
A unilateral agreement though? OK, maybe. It does feel a little like the story either can't make up its mind where it's set, or it's trying to be as big as possible.

The terrorists attempt to assassinate one of the judges. Which may, or may not, be a sufficient means of stopping what would need to be a political movement with quite some momentum and force behind it. It might be worth asking yourself if killing one of the judges would have the desired effect – it might have the opposite effect.
It may well be that in order to ruin any changes to legislation, all it would take is to kill one person. In order for that to be believable, and change what could be a wayward plot into a meticulous one, there will need to be a convincing portrayal of the political landscape.
Ambitious; but then there's nothing wrong with that: the more ambitious the better.

The terrorists then go on to find out that Judge Bristol is something to do with a crime family.
I have no idea at this point if the judge has tried to hide those connections. She could have declared them and still been a judge - anyone in her position would be subject to checks, and it may well have been more prudent for her to declare those connections rather than cover them up. And if she did cover them up, and they are uncovered, I wonder if the best course of action for the terrorists would be to blackmail her rather than kill her? Sometimes, discrediting someone can cause more damage to their political goals than even a bullet can.

Moving on to the first chapter: McKinnon is one of the stupidest villains of all time. He gets a chance at freedom, but even though a guard escapes and is sure to raise the alarm, McKinnon carries on giving a speech long enough that he gets himself shot by armed police.

I have friends in the police who are part of the local armed response unit. First of all, you'll need to check there is any such thing as armed guards at British court rooms – there may well be, but when dealing with a criminal of McKinnon's apparent notoriety, it's likely armed police would have delivered him, and they wouldn't have been far from the court room (I'll accept someone was able to smuggle a gun in without being checked, as that could happen).
Secondly, there is little to zero chance that my friends in the armed police would burst into a room where a potential hostage situation was taking place without first of all trying to negotiate a peaceful conclusion. In fact, for them to burst in in the way you describe, the assailant would have to have started executing people left, right and centre. (I appreciate it had all just kicked off and shots had been fired.)

To go back a bit - it was a surprise McKinnon didn't pick up the gun lying on the floor. I'm also hoping the hero who picks up the gun and fires two perfect shots into the first assailant is either ex-SAS or he's a Royal Marine, or he's a member of a gun club. Otherwise, his hero act does sound a bit too Hollywood. Which is fine, if that's what you're going for. If what you want is feasible, credible and to be taken seriously, then no, I'm afraid there are too many familiar elements in the opening chapter that made me think perhaps you were trying to grab the reader's attention while also insulting their intelligence.
All-action starts are fine, but what you've provided is a stock villain in a familiar situation for crime thriller fans. That won't bother a lot of people; the question is, does it bother you?

There are some big themes here. My concern is how well they all work together. We have the crusading judges; we have a terrorist group funded by the illegal drugs trade; we have a crime family. Putting all of those things together in a tight package will make for one hell of an intriguing read. Or – and this is my fear – it may all turn out to be a case of jamming too many shocking and big issues into one book without any of those things gelling into place.

I'll read on in the hope my fears are unjustified. I also know what you're like, so I'll don a tin hat for a few days and stay away from the windows.

This reminds slightly of an American novel, Pelican Brief, as if that book continued in the Old Bailey with an added pinch of the Godfather and a Len Deighton spy novel. And it's gripping.

The story thrives on subtle details, such as the smell of gunpowder and oil. The sketch of the hanged stick man lends a clever touch!

The snappy, even snarky dialogue is great: "Phoning a friend is not an option."

It's not entirely clear what's going on in the early chapters, and if there's any doubt, that's a good thing. The author keeps the reader off balance as the reader grasps for threads.

This is an intriguing story and I totally buy it. Backed.

Hi Loz, Just a quickie and I'll start by telling you that I had purposely skipped through your work again (I often do) to find a big chunk of dialogue, because I was worrying about rhythm in something I was writing. Your dialogue reminds me so much of Absolutions, and he was my dialogue hero, so I was looking for inspiration. Anyway, I read chapter 17 as there was a good amount of straight talking in that. The thing is I came across a mistake I think. It's the part where Ernest is telling Claire and Alex that he thinks she ought to go into protective custody, Claire tells him that she might do if he puts her in touch with Georgia first. Alex then says something like 'I can't. The CIA have her. We are with the FBI, and for security reasons the FBI won't disclose her location.'

Am I misreading it, or should the above have been, 'The CIA won't disclose her location.' I might be wrong but I thought I'd mention it. And thanks for your help too, although obviously you are never aware when you have helped :)

Jullie x

I read the first couple chapters and really like what you have going here. Will back for now and hope to read more when I get the chance.

An excellent opening chapter. Well executed (lol excuse the bad pun)

My opinion, a few edits required, but the content is compelling, it gets the attention from the get go. If I can give one word of advice, try to end your chapters on some type of cliff hanger, it urges the page to be turned.

I really like the humour (ie phone a friend), and your description of her 'panic / pain' attack was vivid and very well communicated.

Definitely worthy of my shelf. Well done Loz (good job!)

(PS: example of edits: saying she's a woman, take it out. That clarification isn't needed)

Feel free to use what you can and ignore what you don’t find useful. If I appear to be picky, that isn’t my intention, just a few thoughts.

Technically – I don’t have a lot to offer, you have a good grip of English. There are a few misplaced commas on clauses, but I struggle with them, also have them, and in this instance they do not distract a great deal.

On a subjective level, we both certainly write very different, and we’ve had discussions regarding dialogue and pov on the forums. I'm certainly no expert on either.

It is on a subjective level as both a reader and writer I did have a great deal of thoughts, about if I thought some things were clear or working, most of these are related to structure and POV, which I’m not sure works to your best advantage in a few sections, but you have already answered your thoughts on that on the forums …so I won’t dwell on it, apart from saying - I think that if you spend just a little more time, ensuring that every sentence is complete within itself and leads to the next clearly and each paragraph has a beginning, middle and ending, the omniscient narrator you are using will work more to your advantage. I say this in a well intended way, realising you may very well be wanting to break with tradition.

As I said on the forum, I think you have a good grasp of language. This is my second read through, to see if some of my initial thoughts on your opening chapter were still with me.

I felt your opening is good, does take hold of a reader, and your dialogue is fine.

“Mr McKinnon, you are directed to answer the question,” ordered the judge. ---- although I have no issue with dialogue being the first line, I think if the reader knows it is a male or female judge we have a more of a vision what is happening straight off the bat. There doesn't appear to be any reason to withhold this information that I can see. I'm not suggesting you say she said or he said or whatever, but perhaps the judge's name would do the job. "She" is made clear in I think the paragraph after the next.

She continued scribbling notes in the far right corner. ----- this is a little ambiguous and although I noted the sentence preceding it, she could actually be scribbling notes, sitting in the far right corner of the room – I’m not clear where judges sit…my only court house visits have been to watch Judge Judy

What do you want? It had better be important. -----these two lines, presented as narrative, to me read as if they are thrown there and because you are using an omniscient narrator – the reader can not be sure who to attribute them to until we get to the next sentence. I noticed that you do it throughout the chapter, and sometimes I’m not sure it is clear who those type of thoughts belong too.

Apart from that, I had a feeling you were experimenting with writing in a manner not necessarily conforming to any particular writing style. I think overall your pitch and opening chapter show a great deal of promise. The story certainly appears to be there, and your overall descriptions and charachterisations I felt worked.

Goodluck with this.

Quite a page turner! Very happy to put this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
61BBboy

A very exciting and action packed start, it kept me gripped and on the edge of my seat. Excellent writing, description, dialogue, everything. Brilliant stuff! Maximum stars and soon to be backed
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

A page turner. And on the whole very well done. I read the lot. I just have a few inevitable criticisms.

First, I found Chapter Five very heavy going. I note that you expect a lot from your readers in terms of interpretation and intuition, so maybe I am just a bad reader but I think you would do well to make this chapter in particular a little easier to navigate.

Second, as I read deeper I noticed increasing numbers of typos. Obvious not a big deal, but someone needs to tell you.

Third, I think you have the CIA and FBI confused. Generally speaking, the CIA operates outside the USA. The FBI inside. Additionally, I find it hard to believe that either would try to operate in the open in the UK as described, attempting to take a UK citizen – and a judge at that - into protective custody.

Fourth, the family complications read just a little too complex for me. It's as if you are trying to prove that you can make these complexities work rather than simply tell a tale.

All that said, I obviously enjoyed this very much.

Cheers

Evie

Absolutely brilliant.

You write well. You action and dialogue were good. Your portrayal of McKinnon was well executed (no pun intended!).

However, you have a lot going on in the first chapter. I found it a *little* confusing-but that's not always a bad thing. But I would like to learn more about McKinnon? Why is he in court, for instance?

When the judge has her "out of body" or "dream" experience, I was a little confused by that--was it because she is ill? You mention her pain. Does she have precognition and knows what was about to happen? Perhaps the ambiguity was intentional--I have a feeling it was!

Also, you "head hop" when you tell us what the stenographer is thinking. But I've seen many an award-winning author head-hop, so...? :)

When I read Chapter 3, my impression was that would be a great place to start your story. You could just add a little more backstory of what happened in the courtroom. This, to me, is where the "action" or "story" really starts.

I think this has great potential and, as I said, you write well. I think you might just be trying to give too much in the first chapter. Or you are trying to give the reader and "exciting" opening. But I think opening with chapter 3 is exciting--the mention of Scotland yard and the incident get the reader curious. Just MHO.

This is a very interesting read, I wish you the best with it.

I will be coming back to revisit and I'm sure it will spend more time on my shelf.

I think you do best when you get into the fast and furious action. The very beginning is rather confusing and suffers a bit from overwriting (there is a lot of focus on her eyes and I think you repeat yourself a few times when writing about her eyes). I believe I read this in the forum before the changes. Obviously, I have not read the whole book or anything beyond this opening scene so if this is setting something up and by that I mean if these descriptive passages are setting something up for later then discard this opinion.

A sense of confusion can be good, so long as you are not confusing the reader and the very beginning goes a long way to confusing the reader, but when you get into the action you seem to achieve a sense of confusion while making the story clear to the reader. A part of the bad confusion in the beginning comes from simply jumping the POV, it seems to go from the judge to omniscient and back and forth and maybe even a little POV from others in the room. I think subconsciously you may already realize this because later you actually turn the judge's POV into an omniscient one by having her have an out of body experience. The dialogue is better, and the criminal doesn't come off so much as a dandy now, but I found the barrister answering the criminal who was holding a gun to his head asking if he was a hero, I found what the barrister said in reply to be a bit unbelievable. I think at best he would have only uttered "no...please...I have a family." and really I think at best he might have only gotten out "no." or shook his head. It may be nitpicking and obviously I am not the only or best opinion out there. I've had a few guns pulled on me and I've had a few bullets smack into a tree right next to me. Later, you think of all the things that you would have rather have done in these situations. But typically, you either freeze, a bad response of the body and mind that doesn't want to deal with the situation, or run (both of these are flight responses) or you act without a whole lot of conscious thinking, more fight instinct.

Bullets hitting the tree next to me, I quickly got behind the tree and waited until the shooter decided to fire elsewhere, then left (flight response) trying to make sure I wasn't in his line of sight on my departure, as I was there to cover for the newspaper what I had thought was an arrest being made, but really had turned into a standoff.

Guns being pulled on me, the criminals typically said something to me, and unless there is an opportunity, it's not an easy thing to get that gun away from them and it can be even harder to say much that is considered coherent. This may be nitpicking and nobody has the same reaction, I haven't had the same reaction in all cases either, my reactions when I was a security guard have run the gamut from anger to rational thinking to freezing completely mind and body, you wish that the second reaction is what you will have but it becomes more an animal instinct fight or flight and many times it's flight and that can come in many forms one of those forms is freezing up and not being able to utter complete sentences or make any sense at all and of course the other is running like hell. Few people choose to fight immediately at least until they can assess the situation rationally and pick an opportunity. I'm thinking in this story, the barrister knew the guy and flight was his course but this is so quick he probably would have froze. He also knew what the defendant was capable of and he full well knew the adversarial role the two men had and that the coin had flipped and that is why I think his response would have been even more minimal than what he says in this story. If this doesn't help or make any sense, that is fine, just discard it, but if it does help then I am glad to have been of service in some way. But again, I ain't no expert.

Thanks for your comments. I could turn this into a fiction debate. Almost everything you highlight is quite deliberate - I cannot say if it is good fiction writing or not. Certainly, in action thrillers we are not of the belief that characters should behave in a typical or stereotypical way. Maybe there is too much Hollywood influence in the writing? But I believe characters in this genre should contribute to, and make, the scene. It is not for the character to portray 'real life', characters are required to do the 'interesting' or 'entertaining' thing. Characters are to intrigue and entertain rather than accurately portray real life and events - don't you think?

I think you do best when you get into the fast and furious action. The very beginning is rather confusing and suffers a bit from overwriting (there is a lot of focus on her eyes and I think you repeat yourself a few times when writing about her eyes). I believe I read this in the forum before the changes. Obviously, I have not read the whole book or anything beyond this opening scene so if this is setting something up and by that I mean if these descriptive passages are setting something up for later then discard this opinion.

A sense of confusion can be good, so long as you are not confusing the reader and the very beginning goes a long way to confusing the reader, but when you get into the action you seem to achieve a sense of confusion while making the story clear to the reader. A part of the bad confusion in the beginning comes from simply jumping the POV, it seems to go from the judge to omniscient and back and forth and maybe even a little POV from others in the room. I think subconsciously you may already realize this because later you actually turn the judge's POV into an omniscient one by having her have an out of body experience. The dialogue is better, and the criminal doesn't come off so much as a dandy now, but I found the barrister answering the criminal who was holding a gun to his head asking if he was a hero, I found what the barrister said in reply to be a bit unbelievable. I think at best he would have only uttered "no...please...I have a family." and really I think at best he might have only gotten out "no." or shook his head. It may be nitpicking and obviously I am not the only or best opinion out there. I've had a few guns pulled on me and I've had a few bullets smack into a tree right next to me. Later, you think of all the things that you would have rather have done in these situations. But typically, you either freeze, a bad response of the body and mind that doesn't want to deal with the situation, or run (both of these are flight responses) or you act without a whole lot of conscious thinking, more fight instinct.

Bullets hitting the tree next to me, I quickly got behind the tree and waited until the shooter decided to fire elsewhere, then left (flight response) trying to make sure I wasn't in his line of sight on my departure, as I was there to cover for the newspaper what I had thought was an arrest being made, but really had turned into a standoff.

Guns being pulled on me, the criminals typically said something to me, and unless there is an opportunity, it's not an easy thing to get that gun away from them and it can be even harder to say much that is considered coherent. This may be nitpicking and nobody has the same reaction, I haven't had the same reaction in all cases either, my reactions when I was a security guard have run the gamut from anger to rational thinking to freezing completely mind and body, you wish that the second reaction is what you will have but it becomes more an animal instinct fight or flight and many times it's flight and that can come in many forms one of those forms is freezing up and not being able to utter complete sentences or make any sense at all and of course the other is running like hell. Few people choose to fight immediately at least until they can assess the situation rationally and pick an opportunity. I'm thinking in this story, the barrister knew the guy and flight was his course but this is so quick he probably would have froze. He also knew what the defendant was capable of and he full well knew the adversarial role the two men had and that the coin had flipped and that is why I think his response would have been even more minimal than what he says in this story. If this doesn't help or make any sense, that is fine, just discard it, but if it does help then I am glad to have been of service in some way. But again, I ain't no expert.

Your first chapter is captivating and powerful. I LOVED your description of the judge's out-of-body experience. You brilliantly maintained the tension until right near the end of the stand-off and then I seemed to lose it -- not sure why. You might want to look at that because it was a flat note in a powerful story. It should have been the climax, but it felt like it skipped a beat.

I'll be back to read more. Lauri

I notice that you seem to have changed a number of things. I seem to recall that Michael Scott did a bit of editing for you and this might be the result but I still find that most of my objections still pertain. It reads more like a treatment than a novel and some of the details, small but very jarring (and it only takes a couple) display a lack of research. A judge, for example, does not wear a "gown". When your character "...slipped her hand beneath her gown..." the image I got was not, I think, what you meant me to get. Likewise, you introduce her as "Judge Claire Bristol" and this too is incorrect. You would either have to have her called "Mrs. Justice Bristol" - her title, or "...judge, Claire Bristol..." (with a small "j"), her profession. You got around my comments about guns in a British courtroom - rather clumsily in my view - but I still get the feeling you've watched too many US courtroom dramas.
I still think this whole chapter could be written using half the number of words.
And I have to say, finally, what the hell do I know? Your book is doing well in spite of the fact that I find it badly-written and lazily researched so clearly, I'm not in your demographic. If you really care what I think, try my suggestions on for size.
Again, you have a good idea and it deserves better treatment, in my opinion.

I've seen this on a LOT of bookshelves lately so I thought I'd see why. It's an excellent book! Your writing is exciting and quick and addicting. I wish I could write action like you do. Intriguing characters and I ended up reading more than I intended. I'll shelve this for sure, in a couple days. It's a very 'now' kind of book and I think that's some of the appeal, it gives you lots of marketing opportunities. I'm extremely impressed with this.

High stars and good luck!!
Missy

Hi, Loz. Not only were you sitting patiently on my watchlist, you were waiting for a shelf slot! Okay, a few comments? Right then, F***ing brilliant, girl! You know what needs to be done and how to do it. I can see you up there with Martina Cole. You're writing puts me in mind of hers, except I think your's is more refined. And you write soooo much better than Mandasue Heller., (and look how she sold!) I don't know why you are kicking around here for the desk, Loz. Get a query sent off to Darley Anderson with some samples, ASAP. Really, I do hope you have been querying. I actually feel silly shelving you, because you already seem to write like a published author. I guess I just want to be part of it all with you. Again, I wouldn't hang around waiting for the desk. XXX

ABSOLUTLY WONDERFUL!!!!

I must say this is one of the best 3 chapters i have read in some time.

Your first chapter is all you needed to make this an engaging story. Excellent well-done.

I love how your story plot begins to play out and the connection between Hayden and claire. Your characters seem all to real with defined personallities.
Your dialogue is spot-on and the interactions between each of the characters wonderful.
I personally enjoy haydens personality- a typical 20yo who thinks he is the gods gift to women and independent. Cocky but loveable.
Claire has the voice and tone of a judge and you can really feel that in your writing.
I will be back to comment more.

JJ Marro

Saw your revised para with the judge playing hangman - it was EXCELLENT - on the "Stop reading" thread, and hurried over at once to find the book it came from. I read five random chapters and am deeply impressed by your exceptionally lively, realistic and witty dialogue. Lots of minor typos, lots of missing articles (a, the) but those can be picked up later. However I was tripped up several times by your use of commas, for example:
Ch 4
I’ll take whatever punishment, you and Uncle Morgan dish out
She sensed, he felt awkward
Ch 9
I bet you all of next week’s ironing, you can't pull him, tonight
Daniella’s, funny feelings, always needed to be heeded
Ch 10
I don’t want no, kissin’ cousin jokes to plague me
Ch 16 she pulled the towel to, better cover her thigh
All of these are not only unnecessary, but also wrong. They seem to occur in spates: perhaps in sections where you've been editing, and just gone a bit far?
Your book stands out among so many that aren't one half so good. Backed already.

What a page turner! Happy to put this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

Wow. Your first chapter is gripping. I could see every scene as though it were on the big screen. This would make a great movie. One small comment, perhaps it would be worthwhile giving each office a name - because sometimes I found it confusing who you were talking about and had to re-read a section.

I thought the judge was having a stroke and thought that was an excellent description - not sure if that was what you were going for though...

Another thought which may or may not be helpful - unless you are aiming for a solely UK audience you might want to make it clear why she is wearing a wig...Not everyone would necessarily understand this...

But otherwise my heart was beating fast in my chest as I read this and I think that anyone who reads this will be pulled in the same way.

The dialogue in the second chapter was witty and well crafted - it flowed quickly and smoothly - the pace was eager and insistent - unputdownable.

And I am just as interested at the end of chapter 2 as I was at the end of chapter 1 to keep on reading...

This is good stuff. A great read.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

A devastating, startling, brilliant opening chapter. It has drama, action, everything I want in a novel.

I wasn’t prepared for the action that came, but the main thing is the action does come, and boy, does it come. So, as ever, some comments to help you improve it.

Inner London Crown Court, London - why repeat London? It just delays the reader.

“The judge broke the brief silence by sighing.”

The “br” sounds in ‘broke’ and ‘brief’ are too close for prose. Not bad in poetry, but this is the most important sentence in the whole novel, and it reads as “The judge broke the brief”, as in breaks it in two. It’s just not a good first sentence, and I know from the rest of chapter 1 that you can do much better than that.

“every pore of his being radiating arrogance” tells too much about the character. It’s not about show and tell. It’s about telling us how he stands. Arrogance comes from body language, not the pores, but you don’t describe how he stands. Have a look at the chav in my novel. Chapter 3 ;->

However, “She didn’t need any hassles or complications” is excellent. She feels for the pain, and this creates a visual image. You just know something big’s about to happen, and it does. Brilliant. Well done. Now can I fit it on my WL? All the best - Ian

There is a professionalism to your work that is apparent straight from the get-go. The type-face used, the layout of the actual text, it’s good to see someone getting those oft overlooked basics right.
Cracking opening, building tension well, supported with some eloquent and quirky descriptive the plot is not only moved along, but described in sufficient detail to lend credence to the scenario.
The chapter explodes into an action packed thriller in the mould of the atypical thriller, yet with a verve and turn of phrase that raises it above the crowd. I really was compelled to read on – the dialogue was not only functional, as so much modern dialogue is these days, but realistic and powerful.
You handle the shootings and emotions therein with a refreshing aplomb, again, just the right balance of exposition, dialogue and twists to keep the reader moving along, but not at the expense of actual involvement in the tale. Twice at the end of chapter one, I found myself scanning back to re-read, not because things were not clear, but simply because it was good enough to read twice.

All in all a belting start. Edgy, gripping and very well written, this is an easy five stars and when I next rotate my shelf it will be going on for a good while.

I genuinely do think you have the basis here of a very marketable book.

Well done.

I will be back as time permits to read and review more.

Hi there, sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. I’ve outlined some thoughts, which I hope prove useful. This was a great read, fast paced, with an economical use of words. I hope it does well – backed.

Short and long pitches.
Thought both pitches were good and did their job of giving the reader a brief insight into what lies in store. Just one small nitpick, the line: ...are on the brink of achieving (unilateral) their goal. Should this be “unilaterally?”
Chapter one.
They dress a kind of an unkempt way. This struck me as being a little clumsy. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: They dress in a certain unkempt kind of way – something like that.
Repetition: ...slept in every (day) since the (day) of their graduation. Suggest omitting the 2nd bracketed word: ...slept in every day since they graduated...
Repetition and unnecessary adverb: ... (perfectly) serving the purpose ...and subsequently honed to (perfection). In affect you’re saying the same thing twice, 1st with the adverb “perfectly” and then “perfection”. I suggest something along the lines of: The eyes said it all, during a look that had been designed for the purpose to disparage and subsequently honed to perfection.
The paragraph beginning: At last, his lips have stopped... and ending: Had a greater power judged and condemned her? Is excellent. The description of her pain and “out of body” episode are sharply evocative.
POV. They looked at each other. One hoping the other would provide leadership, the other thinking of how he could apportion blame... Since we’re currently inside the judge’s head, how do we know what the guards are thinking? I would suggest using their facial expression to indicate their thoughts, rather than just “telling” us what they were thinking. I.e.: The first guard’s expression indicated he was looking to his colleague for leadership. The other one looked as if he hoped he wouldn’t get the blame for all this. A clumsy example, but you get my drift.
Possible typo: Claire closed her eyes, (relief) the moment was over. Should this be: relieved?
And with (the) next beat of her heart... missing the bracketed word.

Chapter 1:

This reads like an action movie. It has an amazing pace and maintains the suspense level. I like the lead in with the clock and how the boring tock tock of it all transforms into this rollercoaster of anxiety. You revisit the clock theme later, and I won't ramble on about the significance-- I'll just say that you executed it quite well and I like how the chapter was sections of a circle-- just as minutes are on a clock's face.

The dialogue is witty and helps to maintain the pace of this piece. I can see this easily adapted for the screen. Actually, as I read it, it moved in my mind like a film-- nice.

I love the cleverness of your writing and how you allow the humor to penetrate so skillfully. Some phrases I enjoyed: "Application Received."; "...spray of saliva..."; "Besides, he was a ginger..."

I got to a point where I realized that as I read it, I was frozen of sorts and also holding my breath like Claire. The fact that I was so gripped by this that I had a physical reaction is amazing. This chapter is a showcase of how to write tension in a scene. Excellent, as always.

I must say, that was an absolute blockbuster of an opening chapter. Rarely on this site have I encountered such brilliantly maintained tension, and the dialogue of the defendant was utterly chilling - and very very authentic sounding.

The confidence of your descriptiveness was startlingly impressive. The sound reminiscent of a Jew's Harp when the judge became dizzy was THE sound I heard during the odd occasions where I fainted as a child. It perfectly encapsulates the weirdness and surrealism of a person struggling against losing consciousness.

All in all this is brilliant writing, and it'll most certainly be shelved in the coming few days. Six stars given without hesitation.

Very best wishes for its success.

Pete

plenty going on here...story is full of action. you use effective and descriptive narrative to bring this book to life... you also combine this with excellent dialogue to bring this all together for a great book...
on my wachlist for now...
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Hi Loz,

I've read chapter one and whilst this is not my typical genre, I did enjoy this scene as a hook. However, I was distracted by excessive commas in some areas and some missing words here and there.

The first couple of paragraphs felt a bit slow to me. I think the opening could work equally well from when the action starts (her pain, the audio stopping, etc.). Saying that, I do realise there are details such as the duty solicitor's entrance and details about the judge that need to be kept.

Also, some details confused me, like the pain in her shoulder. I'm sure it is explained later, but it just made me feel like I'd missed something.

All in all, this first chapter and the pitch has me believing you have a good story here. I've rated it highly and will be back to read more later.

- Charlotte.

Now, please feel free to ignore me, I haven't actually read the book yet - although I did WL it, it really isn't my sort of thing and I don't know if I'll get round to looking at it - however the title caught my eye. I hope you don't mind my asking, but why have you chosen that title? I ask, not as a reflection on your work, but as I thought it might be helpful to know that I, personally, would never pick up a book with this title. I thought this as soon as I saw it and found it curious. I stopped to consider why and realised it is because I have already read three (at least) books with this title - different books that is, not read the same book three times. It seems to be a commonly occuring title. You may well be aware of this, you may have chosen it for that very reason, I don't know! I just thought perhaps that perspective might me useful to you at some point.

As I said, feel free to ignore me!

Exciting first chapter, very well written though I think you have missed a word out in the first chapter. "teetering long to" should perhaps read "teetering long enough to" Backed, starred and added to my watch list. Good luck with this book. Yours Bea

i read your first two chapters. this is really good. despite not being my typical genre, i'll find a spot on my shelf in the coming days.

although the prologue is good, i wonder if you could start with chapter one- which blew me away. i can see all the action and read with my heart in my throat.

i stumbled over some of your punctuation- missing commas, a ? that should go after "condemned her". easy fixes.

i like the opening bit about her eyes not being windows to her soul and the detail about her itchy head. i enjoyed this.

Hi Loz, I’ve read the first couple of chapters. Chapter Zero I found very staccato, almost as if you were somewhere between the synopsis and the writing of the chapter. I also found it quite confusing, which I think was intentional, but in my opinion, you might have taken it too far.

The second chapter was the opposite. I thought your writing came alive here. You portrayed the scene very well, and the only thing I couldn’t get was the pain near her kidney, and why she had the out of body experience. I think it would have worked equally as well with the judge in her own body, and then I wouldn’t have to be trying to work why she had the out of body. Maybe it’s a prelude to something else later on? Others have remarked about the English/American court differences, and I have to say, I thought this was set in America. You might want to have a chat with Charles (Cutley) to see if you’ve the scene is accurate or not. I think there are other English solicitors on Authonomy, and it’s easy enough to ask.

Your writing is good, and you can certainly set a scene and bring in the action.
Best of luck with this one.
Lisa

Hello Lauren
The sins of the father-

Love the title for starters,
just read various chapters of this brilliant thriller.
the story line is believable and gritty, and certainly move along at a fast and edgy pace.
I got hooked and wanted to read more chapters later and will.
Plenty of action and a satisfactory logic.
good luck, it will do very well.

tom bye
from hugs to kisses'

This is slick, with an intelligent twisty turny plot. The scene in the courtroom was well done very tense, at first a little confusing...I thought she was having a heart attack, and then I got what you were doing...very clever. It's the kind of fast paced story where you've got to pay attention so's you don't miss the details, because I guess there are a lot of little hooks and traps waiting.
Enjoyed this, well done. Starred and watchlisted for now.
best of luck
Babs

So I read through this, though this sort of thing not usually my cup of tea. It wasn't bad reading. I did grow confused a few times, probably mostly on my end; as I said, not my usual reading material. The writing was strong - my only real concern was that this all seems to be pinned on some rather wild coincidences. But strange things do happen all the time, so I got over it.
I found some typos and I won't bore you with them here. If you'll forgive me for it, I may message you about one that I think really needs addressing.
Excitement galore, this one. When I finally quit reading it as a book and started watching it as a movie, it went through my head easier.

good one! i thought i had backed it but got overzealous with my weekly shelf management. but you are now back as it is a top tome!
jen

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. A sympathetic main character. Vivid imagery. Well-managed tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... like an infant that had been threatened with a spanking.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
2) ' ... and pressed her fingers against the sharp pain she felt down by her kidneys ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her pain so vividly the reader will experience it along with Claire. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into the scene. There are more cases where you use the word 'felt.'
3) 'This man is no duty solicitor.' Replace 'is' with 'was' to keep the writing in past tense.
4) Regarding the death of the first security guard, a pistol shot to the neck will not kill instantly.
5) 'Perhaps some dreamed of being hero but thought better of it.' Inset 'a' before 'hero.'
6) Regarding the death of Claire's assailant, a chest wound wouldn't result in immediate death.
7) ' ... protruding 12 inches or so into the court.' Spell out numbers 1-99.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

My book just slipped from #5 to #6. Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a splendid day.

Al

I like your pitch, really drew me in. Do you use "the" a bit much? I'm not fussy enough to care really. Is this comment going to ooze sarcasm? Quite possibly. ;-)

"lived, ate, slept", eaten, not ate, ate is terribly bad grammar (no, really). Also, if Judge Bristol is UK based she would probably be Justice Bristol, but I suppose that depends on whether you are trying to simplify things for the reader.

Are speech marks terribly last year? I find them helpful in indicating speech.

"As if" is conversational, should use "as though"

British law enforcement don't carry guns.

The description of the security guards is confusing. Try naming them, even if only A&B, it'll help separate.

Never start a sentence with and. It is totally unnecessary. If it makes sense And at the beginning adds nothing to it.

Alright, pedantry aside it's very good. Thoroughly enjoying it and will probably pop back to read more later. Good job.

I commented on this previously when it was posted as the work of another author with a different title. I have no more to say at this point.