Akurite Empire

This is going to take a while for me to get through this astonishing book as I don't get on Authonomy too often. I'm having to make notes as you have so many names and places to keep track of. But at least there's no apostrophe names! I really hate that.

M'art'in D'esp'ond'e

The Akurite Empire
by Samuel Z Jones

Chapters 1-11

Samuel, what an extraordinary world!

If there werent a few things I will be addressing in an email within a day, I would have probably read the whole piece in one sit.

The names you have put in your story for the characters, the lands etc are captivating on their own! Daishen Knights, Noth Kalidor, Karel Tate, Kellion, Kelisa... And the titles... it was all magic! Good work on the names, an integral part of a good fantasy read. I just wanted to mention this here, as some of them names are stuck in my head...

I will probably return for the rest of it at a later date, as there are other return reads calling my name...

5 stars for the imaginative world building.
Yannis

Enjoyed Chapter 5 immensely. "Try to look masterful."

The Akurite Empire is a fascinating book with an appealing premise. There is a fascinating stack of characters and place names to become familiar and at times I found myself looking back to remind myself of these. (I have the same thing by the way in mine.) The dialogue which opens this chapter is a skilful hook. The reader is immediately drawn to the situation, wanting to know more about these two women, Sabra and Meri. Very nice exposition in the paragraph which begins:

“The old woman, Meri, spoke in a tone that brooked no more disagreement.” It tells us about Sabra and her state of mind at the time. We don’t know why she is reluctant to enter the property but we want to find out.

Great use of language in this book, reveals the author to be well educated. The word ‘inchoate’ though has a few meanings, one of which I thought more suitable. ‘Timid’ or ‘hesitant’ perhaps? But Sabra is insulted here so it might be neither.

Humor interlinks seriousness in this section which is highly entertaining. The dialogue is first rate. The paragraph describing DeSilva’s study is superb. We now know part of the reason Sabra was unwilling to see DeSilva or her sister. At this point, I was laughing. He is certainly all dress up with nowhere to go. The name Minath Dor is very Tolkeinesque and Piramus is somewhat Shakespearean. Delightful. The box of demons is a chuckle short of hilarious! I can easily ‘see’ this conversation and I am bonding with DeSilva. He is quaint but snappy.

The explanation as to why the lawn must be dug up had me reeling on the floor. You are clearly a master of humorous dialogue not to mention the wit of DeSilva who, did I mention, I have warmed to? Every house should have a wizard. Magic makes light work. And the visual of DeSilva sniggering under the porch . . . well, you just gotta love him.

The paragraph which begins “As the sword flashed down…” is distinctive of practiced swordplay. I was mesmerized by the action and experience. (This, as you say, you can definitely help me with). However, I was amazed Sabra had time to put her helmet on but glad she did. She won the sword of Estarriol – fairly won. But I am dying to know who Meri is.

I intend to read on but wanted to leave these comments today. High stars. I loved it! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Chapter 1 - this is just plainly excellent, full stop.

Had a laugh about the apostrophe comments. So far I haven't found any either. Look I just started on this here & discovered I can get get it for my Kindle. So if you dont mind I'll come back later & comment on a most amazing construction, a fully realized world. Ill have to make notes!

The interest for me was in the creative imagery, interesting detail, and realistic dialogue. There is an abundance of small, but telling and often ironic detail about the characters introduced to us, eg. about Meri covering her eyes whilst Sabra"...bearer of the legendary mantle of the Daishen...struggled and swore until she had extricated herself and kicked the door to pieces..."

The opening of the story arouses the reader's attention, first by the differences in role, appearance, and genders of Sabra and Meli, and then by their quest, which is revealed in stages to us. I also enjoyed the physical description and characterisation of De Silva (I liked the monocle touch, to add to his eccentric appearance).

The writing is assured, intelligent and fluent. I felt that ch. 1 was a little overlong, for online reading, although this would be different when faced with a book to hold. For online purposes, however, I felt it might be better to break this chapter into two.

This is going to take a while for me to get through this astonishing book as I don't get on Authonomy too often. I'm having to make notes as you have so many names and places to keep track of. But at least there's no apostrophe names! I really hate that.

M'art'in D'esp'ond'e

Interesting pitch. "Possessed of dark sorcery" is a very hooking line for me. I am really into the darkness of fantasy. A good way to start of the chapter with dialogue, especially because the reader doesn't get the full conversation and all they know is it is an argument. I am not sure if you need the sentence "And all the way, the riders had argued." Just because you stated at the first of the paragraph the argument had been going on all day. If you want to keep it I might say you could consider adding on or adding more detail to the paragraph about their journey, just so it is spread out from the first sentence better. "Red as the sunset." Good imagery used which is always nice in fantasy novels. "as had not been fashionable in a number of years." It seems a little awkward for the readers. Maybe if you just rephrased it it would be smoother or take out any unnecessary words that might have been added when writing. I like your word choice a lot. It really adds your own vice to the story, seeing how you use a variety of words to describe many things. I also note you have a smooth pattern running through your sentences which is always fun to read, it keeps that pace going rather than halting it. "You do not even know who I am, do you?" Great little add of humor. For me anyways. Your progression is nice and I can see you have taken the time to think of how to set up your storyline. "Do not even imagine that you can threaten me." Interesting line of dialogue, but it works. I really like the fight scene, it adds a little faster pace and action is something a lot of readers enjoy. Overall your work is impressive and I wish you the best of luck being published.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi Samuel,
I enjoyed reading this, but I didn’t find it an easy read. I felt the ‘introductory phase is quite long and did not flow too well, slowing down the pace. Also I was struggling to engage with the characters. Nevertheless, I felt the characters were vivid enough but perhaps a little more description for the rooms in the mansion and the orchard wouldn’t be amiss. However, it’s clear a complex world has been rigorously created which certainly sucks the reader in. (I wasn’t sure whether you meant to change font for Ethauhauthe). Personally, I would not repeat ‘know’ in lines 1 and 2. It’s a small issue, but it grated with me. One could always start with something like ‘Given what’s at stake, we just don’t have any choice’.
Overall, this is a good read, but will be very good one day. Personally, I think it needs some editing first and smoothing (but I am unpublished so …), however I still liked it a lot and am happy to back it. Good luck.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Reflections

Samuel,

You were on my WL. If this was a return read, sorry for the delay. I don't have anything negative to say about this. It was well a well written and engaging story. My one issue would be more of a formatting suggestion. And I only mention it in hopes that will make an already strong piece stronger.
There are a couple of places where there is more than one person speaking in a paragraph or the dialogue tag/explanation sentence of who is speaking is separated into another paragraph. One early example, and this may just be my preferred style. "I just do not want . . ." The sentence that describes this "The warrior spoke with . . ." Is in the next paragraph. I would put the two together thus separating it from the description of the next person speaking.

Again, the story and writing are great, it may just be a personal style preference and I may be completely off base.
another quick example, which I separated.

"Did that make you feel better?" Meri enquired.

The mighty Daishen remounted her horse. "No, it's one less obstacle between us and . . ."

Best
Bill

HAKTAW HEART

Okay. To let you know my initial thought even before I started reading was that the chapter was toooo long. I've heard many readers tell me that they have passed on many reads because they just didn't want to go through such a long read no matter how good it was. There were some exceptions but they tend to be the books at the very top. So until then you might want to split your chapter in two. But . . .. after reading it, surprisingly I didn't mind the length. It was pretty good. For the most part your dialogue really stood out. Sometimes it was amazing how simple parts could mean so much and have such an effect. But still I think you have to make this into two chapters so you don't turn away any potential readers.

Your writing flows, and if I didn't I would have probably stopped reading and told you 'I'm sorry but it's just too long. I'll have to come back to it when I have more time'. And I have done that many times. But not here, everything worked and for such a long chapter to be liked you have to entertain them longer and that is a hard feet which you pulled off brilliantly. 5 stars. I was thinking six but the length is a huge pet peeve of mine.

The Akurite Empire
by Samuel Z Jones

Chapters 1-11

Samuel, what an extraordinary world!

If there werent a few things I will be addressing in an email within a day, I would have probably read the whole piece in one sit.

The names you have put in your story for the characters, the lands etc are captivating on their own! Daishen Knights, Noth Kalidor, Karel Tate, Kellion, Kelisa... And the titles... it was all magic! Good work on the names, an integral part of a good fantasy read. I just wanted to mention this here, as some of them names are stuck in my head...

I will probably return for the rest of it at a later date, as there are other return reads calling my name...

5 stars for the imaginative world building.
Yannis

Great storyline. I was impressed with the dialogue
The first chapter has a comfortable flow. You have a flair with descriptions and a great imagination . Your battles are definitely worth reading, I love a bit of blood and action as you would discover of you read my book 'Four Corners.'
I have no nit picks, and I have no problems with the dialogue you used at the beginning. Sounds fine to me.
I'm sure you'll do well with this book. I wish you success. i GIVE IT A SIX STAR RATING.
Junetee (Four Corners)
.

A great beginning. Its reads very well and flows nicely. Looking forward to reading more. I didn't find anything I didn't like so far.

Enjoyed Chapter 5 immensely. "Try to look masterful."

Folks, I'm glad to announce that Akurite Empire is now fully uploaded; all forty chapters.

This will be the first time that one of my novels has been available for reading; the comments of anyone availing themselves of this are massively welcome. With plenty of feedback on the first few chapters, I'm particularly interested in feedback from people who've read further or who have simply dipped into later chapters. All observations and suggestions will be taken into account in the third draft, so please give me your opinions.

If/when Akurite Empire reaches the Editor's Desk (and it's shooting up the charts already), I'll upload another novel from the series; there are four complete so far, and five more in various stages of writing.

Chapter 2:

I too am known to some as the Headsman of Vale... coincidence?

Someone should warn him that his diet could quite easily lead to stomach cancer.

Apparently his lived quite well on his diet, what Kalidor could not see was his constipated evenings alone... no?

I can see this being the next "Herbal Essences" advert...

As you've probably worked out I have no criticism of this chapter! Very good.

Hi Samuel,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this. WL as long as my arm. Here’s my thoughts – eventually.
Although I must admit I don’t read fantasy I have to appreciate this for the excellent writing that it is. Your flow is perfect, helped along by your superb command of language. The writing is elaborate and impressive without ever stepping over the line into over-bearing.

Some very well developed characters. Although I do struggle with their names.

My favourite aspect of this story is your delivery. Often fantasy is heavy and taxing of both time and concentration on the part of the reader. You offer something a little different. A hint of understated humour helps the reader to unwind into the story and makes for a much easier read. I could quite happily read all that is posted.

My only nit pick, and this is probably just me as I’m tired while reading, I sometimes found the dialogue a little tricky to follow. On some occasion I felt like I really would have liked a dialogue tag. I understand what you are aiming for, and as I say I’m probably just tired. But I did struggle and had to read over previous sentences to see who was saying what and why.

This is a very well executed piece. I will be very surprised if it doesn’t do well.

Janny

Backed Akurite Empire. Intriguing title. Wondering how you came up with the name Akurite. Did some research, but we didn’t find anything that helped. Interesting story line, solid charachers. We noticed many long sentences in Chapter 1. Suggestion-Break up your longer sentences into 2 or more shorter sentences. It makes the paragraph easier to ready.

Example” Paragraph 4 of Chapter 1 might read…
The larger of them was in full battle armor as red as the sunset. A broadsword and a foul temper kept the warrior warm throughout the long, reluctant ride.

Hope you will take time to look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Chapter 4 - a quick note about the first couple paragraphs - you might want to delete the word 'only' which appears too frequently, I think.

The Akurite Empire is a fascinating book with an appealing premise. There is a fascinating stack of characters and place names to become familiar and at times I found myself looking back to remind myself of these. (I have the same thing by the way in mine.) The dialogue which opens this chapter is a skilful hook. The reader is immediately drawn to the situation, wanting to know more about these two women, Sabra and Meri. Very nice exposition in the paragraph which begins:

“The old woman, Meri, spoke in a tone that brooked no more disagreement.” It tells us about Sabra and her state of mind at the time. We don’t know why she is reluctant to enter the property but we want to find out.

Great use of language in this book, reveals the author to be well educated. The word ‘inchoate’ though has a few meanings, one of which I thought more suitable. ‘Timid’ or ‘hesitant’ perhaps? But Sabra is insulted here so it might be neither.

Humor interlinks seriousness in this section which is highly entertaining. The dialogue is first rate. The paragraph describing DeSilva’s study is superb. We now know part of the reason Sabra was unwilling to see DeSilva or her sister. At this point, I was laughing. He is certainly all dress up with nowhere to go. The name Minath Dor is very Tolkeinesque and Piramus is somewhat Shakespearean. Delightful. The box of demons is a chuckle short of hilarious! I can easily ‘see’ this conversation and I am bonding with DeSilva. He is quaint but snappy.

The explanation as to why the lawn must be dug up had me reeling on the floor. You are clearly a master of humorous dialogue not to mention the wit of DeSilva who, did I mention, I have warmed to? Every house should have a wizard. Magic makes light work. And the visual of DeSilva sniggering under the porch . . . well, you just gotta love him.

The paragraph which begins “As the sword flashed down…” is distinctive of practiced swordplay. I was mesmerized by the action and experience. (This, as you say, you can definitely help me with). However, I was amazed Sabra had time to put her helmet on but glad she did. She won the sword of Estarriol – fairly won. But I am dying to know who Meri is.

I intend to read on but wanted to leave these comments today. High stars. I loved it! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Chapter 3 - "the battery of fate" indeed

Chapter 2 - wondeful control, superb use of language. You have made me enjoy fantasy.

Chapter 2 - servants moved discretely ... or discreetly ?

DM, You're right about Tate's sword, but you're forgetting that he takes a lot of cold showers =)

*Deep breath* Wow, where to start? Do you want the praise this deserves in bundles, or what little constructive criticism I can offer?

Ok both then. First off, usually I read the first chapter, then two at random. The first chapter here left little option but to read on in the right order and so the following thoughts are based on chapters 1-3 (and oh yes I shall be reading more).

I really think those first two lines of dialogue need tagging. I get what you're going for but I'd like to know who says which line. That out of the way, let me move on and talk about your narrative. It is excellent. The description gives me the framework upon which my imagination can build without being forced, and the shift towards subtle humour is more than welcome; I too think fantasy is generally lacking in humour, which is a part of even the most unenviable lives and so it's very pleasing to see another writer incorporating it into their work.

So, next? Dialogue. Again, excellent; realistic and well spaced. What's more is the placement of exposition into the dialogue is done with real skill, giving the reader what they need, when they need it and without detracting from the purpose of the conversation while complimenting the narrative in characterisation.
Now, also in regards to dialogue, but relating to the technical side of things, is my first (and the only really important) bit of criticism. When interrupting a sentence with dialogue tags you should return to that sentence with lower case, following a comma at the end of the tag. You are using a comma followed by upper case. Similarly, if you are starting a new sentence after the tag interruption, the tag should end with a full stop and the dialogue start with upper case. Strangely, you get it spot on at the first part of chapter 3 but then revert back to the incorrect manner you used in chapters 1 and 2.

Next I'd like to congratulate you on the big chunks of exposition in the third chapter. It's incredibly difficult to put such chunks into a book while keeping the reader interested, yet you do it effortlessly.

The final technical criticism I'd like to give is that you're way too heavy on your semi colon use. I can relate to this and if you're anything like me you're using one when you're unsure of whether to use a comma or a full stop, when really you should only be using one when you're sure neither of those would work. Oh and as another point there are a handful of typos and a couple of missed line/paragraph breaks, but that's to be expected in any work.

Lastly I have a couple of confusions to raise regarding small bits of the story in chapter 2. First, Tate gets fully dressed then puts his sword tip-first into the ground. I don't believe such a character would mistreat his sword in this manner when confronted with a potential enemy. Then they go back to the waterfall, and the implication is that they're fully clothed, including armour, and again I find this unlikely. Also, I find it very hard to believe that a man can be completely unaware of sexual desire; it is a base instinct and while I understand your need to convey him being well out of his comfort zone, this is perhaps pushing the realms of believability too far.

Overall, this is truly excellent and is going straight to my bookshelf with six stars.

D M Sharples.

AKURITE EMPIRE
Samuel Z. Jones

The only part of Chapter One that stopped me was when you said: "They fought with the grace and speed of fencers, but duelling with broadswords in heavy armor. Every blow rang like a hammer on an anvil and each telling stroke sent the combatants reeling apart, staggered by the sheer force with which they had at each other."

First, were the swords wearing heavy armor?

Secondly, I envision people duelling with rapiers as quite different with respect to their stances, movements and purpose. The two-sided blade of the broadsword is for cutting and slashing. The staggering and reeling parts as you describe are, in my view, vastly opposed to the footwork of fencing.

How about this: "Wearing heavy armor, they fought with broadswords. Often grasping the weapons two handed so as to bear the terrible punishing blows they dealt."

I think you really have skill when it comes to the balance of exposition with the dialogue and action that takes place. We all know that Fantasy Fiction, as well as Science Fiction allows a more relaxed view toward exposition because of the very nature of the realms that require a lot of introduction in order for readers to understand the story.

In my opinion, the story is everything. Your writing fits into the genre as easily as Cinderella's foot glides into her glass slipper. I am already entertained and enjoy the concept. I am hoping, as I read on, to find that your heroine, Sabra softens a bit. She is rather harsh and just because she is a knight does not mean she has to be abrasive. A Paladin, which you say she aspires to be, is spiritual, kind and good and goes about healing those who are in need. I know. I have a character in the Paladin class on World of Warcraft :)

Thank you for the opportunity to read this exciting beginning. I look forward to avidly consuming the rest.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Chapter 1- Very descriptive, although the pacing is off with the first bits of dialouge. There is a great deal of confusion who speaks first. I would establish this earlier or give us the dialouge later.

Also, there are too many names too soon without much context. It seems you are trying to immerse us in the lives of these characters and that is good, but without explaining some of the setting where they live, you will only confuse your readers.

Another problem is the placement of what the dialouge sounds like after it has been spoken. Give us the action first, so we can apply it to the dialouge. Otherwise it sounds disjointed.

Some of your paragraphs are a little long. I would shoot for a maximum of seven sentences, or a little more if they are shorter.

Cut out filter words such as 'that' and 'had.' For example, if you take the sentence 'the crumbled orchard wall that marked the end of the Savirsti Estate. And all that time, the riders had argued."

Instead, try 'the crumbled orchard wall marking the end of the Savirsti Estate. And all that time, the riders argued."

For example, you mention three places in the second paragraph, but you never give us a description of them so we have an idea what they look like. It doesn't have to be much, just give us something to latch onto.
Other then that, their is plenty of imagination and uniqueness to keep me coming back for more. Definitely worth a backing.

Other than Estarriol saying wizard of earthsea to me this made for a very good fantasy read, as good as Gemmell anyway and he needs a replacement :)

Chapter 1 - this is just plainly excellent, full stop.

Chapter 1 ... A wall of heat rolled out from him ... MOVIE - It shouts film rights, loud and clear!

Chapter 1 typos -- should be: "It's a box of demons.." (not "Its) "No story ever said.." (not every) "It's little more than a novelty.." (not "Its) -- won't comment any more about typos in future.

As I'm certain you appreciate, the opening matters a great deal. I would suggest a few small changes. The two riders came down from the wilderness (not had come, not plural wildernesses). All the way, the riders had argued. (not And)

I am in awe at the creative, descriptive flow in this book. I am not a critic, I just like what I like and this is a book I would happily purchase, sit down and enjoy. I agree with Kenneth when he wrote that you have a 'mastery of dialogue'. It was a pleasant surprise after a few sentences when the warriors turned out to be women, with a great sense of humour. Tate's emergence from icy water great, I will watch with interest.

This is excellent stuff. WL'd for full read in a month or so.

Samuel,
Your mastery of dialogue was what kept me glued on to "Akurite Empire" as I followed the meanderings of Daishen and her companion Meridian on a quest to Kellia. The story had the feel of having been structured on dialogue, the narrative inserts cementing the whole. Certainly a woman playing knight with an old crone as a sidekick has a talkative, comedic quality that pervades wherever their mounts take them. Your straightforward, shoot-from-the-hip writing style keeps the flow brisk, maintaining reader interest. You might want to ascertain the next chapters uphold the same level of energy to keep your reader's imagination engaged.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Not my usual genre but in my opinion well written. Interesting premise for a book. Personally, I think your chapters are a bit lenghty but then again mine are pretty short. I read the introduction but I think the story needs more background information. Backed. Lisa

Alright, here we go: My totally awesome comments:

Aw, never start a sentence with "And." A sentence needs to make sense on its own. Think that if you walked up to someone on the street and said it to them would they think you were mad. Fortunately here you can simply chuck the "and," word count be damned! "All the way the riders had argued" works fine. (See how I also got shot of your comma).

Can desire be eminent?

I really like the argument and the sulking. Good description there, comes across as very tongue in cheek.

The fashion sense comment made me chuckle.

I want a box of demons! How useful would that be?!

You really get into your stride as it goes on. I'm really enjoying it, well done. Will pop back to read more soon.

Thanks, Kirk; glad the humour comes through. I'm not going for a full-on spoof, but rather a sense of reality; Fantasy tends to be dead-serious all the time, but comedy is a part of real life. Real characters need a sense of humour, real people sometimes tell jokes, and pratfalls happen; we very rarely see any of that in Fantasy, comedy is usually much more of the light-relief kin, with a character who exists only to play a thinly veiled clown.

And the Big Arnie reference is very apt too; Robert E Howard wrote a female character in the same vein, Red Sonja, who's usually represented in modern retakes as fighting in a chainmail bikini. Sabra is meant to express a more realistic warrior woman; quite frankly, she's butch.

Sabra & Meri = Laurel and Hardy.... only if L & H were hardened killers. The usual approach would be to treat Meri as a comedy sidekick. She's not. As a recurring character, we see her in other instalments of the series at an earlier stage of her exceptionally violent life. Likewise, Sabra could be handled as an inexperienced teenager full of angst; rather, she's a veteran warrior in her twenties in an era when the average life expectancy would be about 35. She's a hardened veteran, and she's only going to get harder.

This is an interesting type of warrior-fantasy, (almost like a type of female Conan the Barbarian - with Sabra playing the role of Arnold :-)
The beginning scene with Sabra riding with Meri mocking and complaining against each other while riding gives an almost Larel and Hardy type of element - a rarity in fantasy-warrior novels. It reminded me of the German Cowboy-Indian-spoof movie "Der Schuh des Manitu" (I live in Germany and this movie was extremely popular when it came out - almost like a Mel Brook s type of comedy). I'm not putting the work down, but that was only my gut-feeling first impression. I think if you really made it a spoof-fantasy novel, then I would think you got a winner - really, since this gentre is so over saturated. I'm still backing it bacause I like it.
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a lion"