The Gypsy's Daughter

I've I've read everything you've got up here and can honestly say this is the best thing I've read on Authonomy so far. I was gripped by the story. You're writing style and story telling is professional. And as much as I hate to admit it, I couldn't find any constructive criticism to offer. It's ready to be submitted to a publisher. I feel it's so good I am moved to recommend it to others on this site because I want to see you get more backing. Great job!!!

Hi,

This is a wonderful read, and I agree with some of previous comments that ask why this isn't on more shelves. I was easily hooked and have, so far, read nine of the posted chapters. Well done! You got me!
Your writing style is easy on the eye but packed with vivid descriptions. I also love your character names, Lila le Fay is simply wonderful.

I am sure that this would fly off the shelves. Good luck with this. I will return to read more asap and will pop you back on my shelf very soon. For now, please accept a high amount of stars and praise for a damn fine read.

Simon,
Yuko Zen Is Somewhere Else.

Michelle, here for our swap, having read through chapter six. You definitely set up a lot of mystery throughout the first few chapters, as well as introducing us to Lila's world. She is a likeable character, with faults just like any other teenager. Here are just a few of my thoughts as I was reading.

In the first chapter, there are some switches between Lila and Willow's POV. I wasn't necessarily bothered by these, which I sometimes am if they aren't done well, but I noticed that a few times, though you are in Willow's POV, you refer to her as 'the woman' as if you have stepped out of her POV for a sentence or two to give us the perspective of the crowd. Be careful of this, as it was a little confusing.

Watch out for passive verb tense, such as was standing, was wearing, etc. Also watch the use of 'was' in you descriptions. Instead of telling that a character's hair was brown, show the specks of gray showing through his cropped brown hair. Just a suggestion.

I liked the chapter with Lila picking herbs from her garden to make more of her potions etc. for the market, but I was a little confused when she didn't end up going to the market that day. Hiding behind the bush to watch Dimitri was a good way to show her attraction for him, and being late to her lesson with Marrietta is something that every teen girl can relate to.

The scene at the market with the perfume man was a good set up for how the townspeople feel about the gypsies, but I didn't get a strong feel for Lika's emotions at being snubbed because of being different. Her comment to the cat about hating being different didn't do it for me. I guess I wanted a little more internal thoughts/emotions at that part. Her friendship with Harriet is interesting and I have to wonder where it will go, if the girls will get in trouble for becoming friends. Nice little mystery with the fortune teller as well, makes me wonder who Harriet is.

I noticed when Lila finds Dimitri and Marrietta together in the barn, you used 'tendrils of jealousy' three or four times in the span of a few paragraphs. I'm guilty of overusing descriptions too, just something to watch out for when you edit.

Overall, a very engaging read that pulls the reader right along. Highly starred.
Kate

Greetings! I think this is a wonderful tale, and your opening chapter was stellar! Don't know what happened with Mayhem but too bad, you would have placed well no doubt. I really like your writing style and your main character is quite likable. High ratings in my book!
I couldn't find anything serious to criticize at all, but I did find some petty little errata you might want to fix:
chapter 1/ you wrote crowed, but meant crowd.
2/ dissolved away (seems redundant. I'd just say dissolved)
4/ no matter how much you love them (delete period, insert comma)
13/ its claws sratching on the wooden floor boards as he ran (delete its, insert his)
13/ but a(insert "n") oval shaped scorch mark
That's all I can pick on. I very much enjoyed the book, thanks and best of luck with it!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Great opening. Not only are we immediately introduced to the MC, but drawn too into her world. The imagery and details, like about the stray dog, add believability. Other details, such as her hunger, the background noise, bring the story to life. The way you portray the friendship between Lila and Willow is well done - best part being that you show us instead of just telling us. The writing, too, is smooth, the plot unique and compelling. Gypsies! Again, love the way you include all the senses, touch, smell, etc.

Some of the best writing I've read in a long while. Awesome.

Krista
Wrong

I just realized this is the third time this book has captured my attention!

Fabulous visual style in the opening.

I am on to chapter two - with luck the enigmatic Willow will explain herself...

Hi,

This is clearly a polished piece, you don't need any patronising comments on your use of grammar etc! I'm young but I've studied Literature and Creative Writing for three years, I was Editor-in-Chief of my Uni's newspaper and I'm doing work experience at a publishers, so here's my personal opinions and observations, for you to take or dismiss as you please!!

I read your first 2 chapters and did enjoy them, I really like your writing style, and I think that's the most important thing because that's the hardest thing to improve!

‘The town was deserted, so all her care to remain unnoticed hadn’t been necessary.’ - this sentence bothered me, I can't say what exactly it should be but I feel like you're over-explaining yourself. It could maybe be shorter and less explanatory. Maybe show her being really careful, and then say that the town is deserted, the reader will realise themselves that her care was unnecessary, without you having to spell it out.

I feel that Lila's realisation that Willow is going to be burnt on the stake is a bit sudden, where did the realisation really come from? I thought that it would be more effective if you described Willow’s appearance first, Lila spotting her with her with her hair hacked off etc. and then realising that she was being burned at the stake.

Chapter 2 – my instant reaction was whose POV have you switched to now? You've so far swapped 3 times, from 2 first person POVs to a 3rd Person POV, which kind of disjoints it a bit. I’m not going to sit and say to you, a publisher won’t like that, because I hate it when people say that. I think publishers are people who get drawn in by work like any of us. But in this instance it did bother me personally a bit.

'Sienna used her dancer’s muscles' – I imagined a very odd sort of contortionist move which didn’t really go along with a pregnant woman!

Don’t think you need to say baby-to-be, sounds odd, I’d just say baby

I think I noticed a couple of simple typos:

‘A story you say?’...‘but which one to Choose?’ – I’m fairly sure the But should be capitolised? Because you ended her last sentence with a question mark.

Ox’s – capitalise

Finally, the tone throughout the first 2 chapters is very descriptive and I feel like the saying 'Show not Tell' is perhaps appropriate here. If you could incorporate some more 'show' i think it would improve it.

Hope you find this helpful, good luck!

Michelle,
In the pitch you set out some of the key points of the story, and in the course of the first chapters you introduce these elements so already there is a definite story line taking shape.
Everybody seems agreed that the burning scene is a great dramatic opening. I’d beef up the nastiness of it a bit, make Willow suffer!
‘Among the hordes of people Willow searched for only one in particular’ – At this point I think you need a bigger break as it changes POV to Willow.
I’d have thought there would have been a big witch trial for Willow. The population are gunning for the gypsies anyway. The mayor could make a final spiel after the trial as Willow is being dragged out, but I don’t think it should replace a triaI even if we don’t have to see it.

You start off calling the Thirsty Thief a tavern, which sounds right, then a pub, which sounds anachronistic.
I like the idea of Thing and his love/hate relationship with Lila (good name, by the way, short, sweet and memorable). In his conversation with Willow about the ruby jar you could maybe reword some of it since they are telling one another things they already know just for the benefit of the reader. Makes the plot clunk a bit.
Perhaps lighten up Willow’s speech a little, she sometimes sounds rather Victorian school marmish.

‘She strolled through the herb garden, tenderly snipping the herbs she needed with her sharp, narrow knife.’ Snipping is more for scissors than knives.

I like the way you juxtapose the chocolate box garden with its flowers, fairies and Simeon, with the hints at savage killings in the neighbourhood. It might be an idea to give some details of what had been happening and expand upon Lila’s fears.

The beginning of chapter five – if it’s a three day market it can’t be held on the eve of the full moon. For the three days before, or three days around the full moon.

If Lila called out before she went round the back of the house so as not to surprise the Flightfoots, why did she then hide to watch them? She expected to find them training after all.
I like the way you describe her infatuation with Dimitri. Again, I really like your choice of names, memorable rather than fanciful and unpronounceable.

Paragraph beginning ‘Skulking?’ ends with: ‘She explained, scratching his head – her nervous tic.’ Should that be ‘her head’?

This is a good story with a lovely atmosphere to it. Difficult to put my finger on exactly what it is, but you have created a real story with a good plot and appealing characters. It still needs polishing – show me the book on this site that doesn’t – but you have something special here.
Good luck with this. I’d already given it top stars so can’t give any more. On my watch list anyway because I hope to find the time to read more.
Jane

I wasn't sure whether to check out your book as the genre is not really my thing but the pitch drew me in and I am glad I did. I like the way you start chapter 1 with what in effect is the end of the story. A great ploy to make sure that the reader wants to carry on to find out how Willow got to be burned at the stake. Chapter 2 was quite different. You build up the character of Willow by giving us insight into what she is all about on the spiritual level. The descriptions of the children and their awe at her storytelling skills is very well done and not too over flowery. Great hook at the end with the tent disappearing. I found this easy and entertaining to read and your writing style is good, it flows very well. Good luck with this.

Kim (Pain)

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Michelle,
Starting off with a witch burning as a grabber, "The Gypsy's Daughter" does not falter in its steady pace, each scene as captivating as the last, drawing the reader on. Lila is a sympathetic character, her dreams and aspirations typical of any young girl even if her vocation is not. Your narrative is detailed and picturesque, your dialogue exuding passion. Thank you so much for the haunting tale.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Michelle, having just read the first four chapters of ' The Gypsy's Daughter' I wanted to write and tell you how much I enjoyed them. The subject matter is intriguing and the characters so well drawn that you immediately care about them. I want to read more when I have the time and will put it on my shelf when I have room - until then I will put it on my watchlist. Good Luck with it - Tina Cox P.S. would you take a look at my book 'Sanctuary' as all comments and support is welcome.

Wow this is great, ive read all 14 chapters, so where is the rest, i have to know what happens,this is on my shelf for sure, it needs a bit of editing but thats it.
6 stars for sure
Alison

I just finished reading the last chapters you have posted and they’re really great.
I love Willow’s faulty knitting—that’s a great detail. I also like the new plot thread of why Mariette would have been looking for Nightshade. Very mysterious!
I am curious, though, as to why Lila thinks Willow knows more about her mother than she’s saying. From what I understand Willow does know more—as is seen in the passages from her viewpoint. But as far as Lila knows, Willow found her abandoned on her doorstep with no more information than Lila’s name written on a piece of paper. Has Willow dropped hints to Lila that she knows more? If so, maybe you could clarify that a little—give Lila some reason to doubt that Willow is telling her the truth.
Also, Lila’s decision to use the dark spell book to get information out of Willow seems a little rushed. It doesn’t seem in line with Lila’s personality. And there doesn’t seem enough reason for her to do so now instead of at an earlier or later point. What drives her to use the spell book now especially when you show her dreading having to do so? Maybe you could introduce the book earlier in the story and show Lila being more and more tempted to use the book as she becomes more and more convinced that Willow is lying about not knowing anything about Lila’s mother. And then have some dramatic incident that makes Lila feel justified in using one of the dark spells. Just a thought, but I think there would be more suspense that way and feel more natural to the plot.
I do like how Lila changes her mind at the last moment and tries to stop the demon. It does make me wonder, though, how important this event is to the story. If this is where it ends or if there will be greater repercussions later on, like if she tries to use the book later for some other purpose and actually goes through with it.
Very much a cliffhanger ending! I like how you’re tying the different plot threads together: like her meeting with Harriet is now important, as is the fact that she told Simeon about the mayor. I guess, I’m hoping you do the same with the book of dark spells instead of just leaving it dangling.
Good luck with the novel—I can definitely see it being published (and I hope it is).

A YARG review based on chapters one through four.

Michelle,

You are telling a wonderfully intriguing story that will entertain not only the young adult, but the grown-up as well.

A tense, moving first chapter. There’s an obvious love between Lila and Willow and the sacrifice that Lila must witness is heartbreaking. Willow’s unrepentant heart leads the reader to wonder what the murdered man did to deserve his fate. I had to turn the page.

The smoothness of the prose is a standout as Willow weaves a mysterious tale before her captive audience. Lovely words are used to describe the beauty of Gypsy Rose. And her sad story is complete with faerie dust and a sprite-like image. One can only wonder what happened to the beautiful girl, her lover, and their daughter. Could Lila be the product of their forbidden love? Hmmm… Again, I have read on.

Although Lila seems very sweet and you cause your audience to love her right away she also sounds like a normal teenager (which is good) who’s stifled by the well-meaning love of her care-taker. A black, talking cat takes the place of pestering siblings and a young gypsy boy serves as her confidant. Like any maturing youth, Lila seems ready to break free from all that’s familiar.

Chapter three and four, you develop a lot of mystery: the growing, black spot, the hidden red bottle, and the periodic killings and I wonder how it is all going to shake down for Lila and her friends. This has the makings of a really good book! Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Wow. Chapters nine through eleven are great. Very dramatic. The backstory in chapter eleven was quite good. I think you chose the perfect place to put that in.
Two little things in chapter eleven, though:
I don’t think this is a complete sentence: “The memory of the day she found Lila rushing over her.” Maybe “The memory of the day she found Lila rushed over her.”? Or combine it with the sentence before it? “Willow sat down next to Lila at the foot of her bed, the memory of the day she found Lila rushing over her.”
I wasn’t sure about this line from Willow: “I have never even seen a baby.” Really?
Anyway, great job! I’ve really enjoyed reading this so far.

This is a very enjoyable book—it’s intriguing enough that I keep wanting to read more.
In chapter seven, there seems to be a slight jump in time in the middle of a paragraph. There’s no reference to Lila and Marietta leaving the barn, but abruptly they are toasting bread on a fire. Maybe give some clue that they have changed location? Unless there is a fireplace in the barn?
I really like your magic is energy and energy comes from the sun theory. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it described in quite that way before. I also really liked how the rose appeared in her pocket because she did not tell it where to grow. Very original!
In chapter eight I love Lila’s question: And why would I want a stone to explode? I really like the fact that Lila seems to have just a bit of an attitude :)

I like how the book begins with the ending. Like a Momento-eque structure. I'm wondering like others why this isn't on more shelves, its great.

I just finished reading chapter five and I really enjoyed it. I think you did a great job of showing the relationship between Lila and Simeon and Lila and Dmitri.
One section confused me a little bit: Lila is hiding behind a barrel watching Dominic and Dmitri practice. You wrote that she’s behind it, but bracing her back against it, so wouldn’t she also have her back to Dominic and Dmitri? How could she be watching them? She gasps and they hear her, causing Dmitri to ask who’s there. It made me wonder how close she was that they could hear her—a gasp is usually not terribly loud. Then Simeon finds her, and she hastily makes up a story about what she was doing. Her embarrassment seemed quite realistic, by the way. Dmitri comes over to talk to them and Lila says she came to see Dominic. Dmitri says he’s in the kitchen. But wasn’t he just there practicing with Dmitri? Maybe Dmitri could say that he’s gone into the kitchen, or something. And then when Lila goes into the kitchen to talk with him, he seems surprised to see her, as though he didn’t see her stand up and start talking to Simeon. It made me wonder at what point he went into the kitchen and at what point he and Dmitri stopped practicing. As soon as they heard the gasp? When she stands up? I thought this scene could use a few more details about who’s doing what when and where.
Other than that, it looked good.

YARG
Hi
I haven't had the chance to read much but I have really enjoyed the first chapter. Gripping start, which isn't really the start! It is incredibly well-written, your power of description is brilliant. Questions have been raised in this first chapter which makes the reader want to continue, for example what are "happy reds"? What is the relationship between Lila and Willow? You show great imagination and I'm looking forward to reading more. Best of luck with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Yarg
Lila peered around the corner of a tall house, the stone walls damp and coarse under her fingers. To her relief the street was empty. All she could see was an abandoned fish cart with flies buzzing lazily around it and a stray mutt scratching for scraps of food in a heap of rubbish in an alley.
An excellent start that really draws me in. The description is fluent and I like the attack on your senses. The way they humiliated willow by cutting her hair, the clink of metal. I like the character Lila and the Le Fey is an excellent choice as being descended from the fey or fairies add magic to the text.
Your writing is dynamic and you lead well into each chapter, with tempting little hooks and questions, that need to be answered. I feel this would be a good read for all ages, and I have to confess sometimes the books are better.
The voice in this book is strong and the whole language is sharp.
Really enjoyed. Well done. Yarg review

Overall I was quite impressed by this book, especially if it’s your first novel. My first novel was absolutely awful LOL.
Here are some of my thoughts:
In chapter two, the story of the Gypsy Rose was very well told—a clever way of getting backstory across in a natural-seeming way.
In chapter three I did have a slight problem with the conversation between Willow and Lila (I love both their names, by the way) as they are riding in their wagon. Lila says that everything is boring. Willow follows this by saying that Lila seems to be bored. Lila returns with “Bored?” I think you could add a little more detail about how Lila says this. My first thought was that she was confused by Willow’s assessment of the situation and is questioning her in surprise—as in “bored? How can I be bored?” even though she used the term first and must know that she’s bored. This didn’t make sense to me. My second thought, when rereading it, was that maybe she was meant to sound a bit ironic, as in—“Bored? Of course I’m bored!” This would make a little more sense. I might be the only one getting confused, but I think you could expand a little on Lila’s comment, perhaps tell us what she’s thinking or show us what tone she says it in. Just a thought.
The same thing with Willow’s next comment and Lila’s reaction. Willow says, “Well, if it’s excitement you’re after you could always help me finish this jumper.” To me, it’s quite clear she’s teasing Lila. But Lila wonders why she always says such confusing and annoying things. It might annoy Lila—it makes their relationship more realistic that they don’t get alone perfectly and that Willow sometimes annoys Lila. But I don’t see how it could confuse Lila or why she would think it such an odd thing to say.
I really liked Petunia, the watch goose—that was a clever and original touch.
Thing says, “I was afraid of the little miss.” Should that be, “I was afraid for the little miss.” Thing does not seem to fear Lila very much.
I did like how Willow says she can feel Thing’s magic itching inside her bones. That’s a great way of describing it!
This is definitely a book to watch. Best of luck with it.

God! How depressing that you write so fluently and this is YA. Good trick to start with The End. Clever. Disinclined to read more, not my bag but I daresay you will do well with this. All the best.

I’ve read your first chapter and am looking forward to reading more. You’ve started right in the middle of the action which really enticed me to keep reading.
I did notice a little typo:
You’ve got: “The square was Willow would surely be” I think you need: “The square was where Willow would surely be.”
I really like how you describe the sound of the dragging chains as “a low metallic slur.” Very good imagery.
You do seem to use a lot of exclamation marks outside of the dialogue; maybe it’s just me but, at least to me, it gives a sense that you’re trying to compensate for a lack in the writing—relying on the punctuation to get a point across instead of relying on the words to convey the urgency of something.
Anyway, this looks good and I’m planning on reading more.

I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to giving a review! But so far I have very much enjoyed the story. After reading through it, I don't have as much to give advice on as some others have. There are times in the first chapter that the persepctive is a little confusing, but afterwards I find that I didn't have that problem. You've created a rich world that seems to blend in well with the ordinary world of the Riverbend townsfolk. Lila's believable, and I keep finding myself wanting to tell her to stop being so stupid at times, in a way I would tell my own younger sisters. I want to see more of Harriet and am thrilled that I will here in the next few chapters. You've made me care very much about the characters, and I severely hope that soon the find the killer. I'm worried about things becoming bad between the gypsy folk and the Riverbenders.

I'll be looking forward to reading more of it!

Well done. Backed and highly recommended.

YARG Review:

I've read the first three chapters and this story seems interesting. You've created a world that is magical and full of rich culture.

A few thoughts that I had were why did Willow inherit a familiar instead of gaining her own? I found that a little odd. Also, why does Lila have red hair? Usual Gyspies are olive skinned and dark haired. Is there significance to it? Is Lila the daughter of the Gyspy Rose and she got her red hair from her father? I don't remember him having red hair... maybe it isn't important.

A few typoes:
Chapter 1
The square was Willow = missing a where
greying and the temples= at the temples
Chapter 2
you use dainty twice in one paragraph when talking about the faerie dust
chapter 3:
same old people doing the same old thing= that read a little too modern for me. it felt out of place
I was confused when talking about the lullaby if Willow sang it to Lila as a child or if Willow had someone sing it to her as a child.


Overall, this is very an interesting premise. I think the first chapter is a great hook. The story in chapter 2 was interesting, but I couldnt figure out if it was significant or not. It sort of slowed things down for me despite the wonderful prose of the story. I love that you named Willow's cat, Thing. That gives Thing a level of mystery.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Hi Michelle!
This is definitely one of the best YA novels I've read on this site. Your imagery is amazing and the dialogue fits. The first chapter is flawless and you succeed in getting the emotions across. I love how you end the chapter, really sad but it keeps the reader wanting to turn to the next page.

Six stars for sure!
Best of luck:)

Michelle, there are many things that stand out for me as I read your opening chapters; I like the switch of point of view in the first chapter. The opening scene is so important and you allow the reader to experience it from Lila and Willow's perspectives. As a reader I was able to engage in the experience more fully and on a deeper level. Your talent as a writer is exhibited in the vivid descriptions, flowing dialogue and engaging characters you create. I found myself just as captivated as the children in chapter 2 listening to the story of Gypysy Rose.
I have rated your book highly and wish you much success. Maria :)

Michelle, there are many things that stand out for me as I read your opening chapters; I like the switch of point of view in the first chapter. The opening scene is so important and you allow the reader to experience it from Lila and Willow's perspectives. As a reader I was able to engage in the experience more fully and on a deeper level. Your talent as a writer is exhibited in the vivid descriptions, flowing dialogue and engaging characters you create. I found myself just as captivated as the children in chapter 2 listening to the story of Gypysy Rose.
I have rated your book highly and wish you much success. Maria :)

The opening of The Gypsy's Daughter is full of movement and mystery.

The name Willow reminded me of the wonderful character that appears in every episode of Buffy.

“Hearing a noise” and “rumbling stomach” are so close I was intrigued and I connected them, so that when it turned out to be the crowd I was pleasantly surprised.

And “the happy reds” I found mysterious and interesting. I will read on.

Hi Michelle, finally got to The Gypsy's Daughter and although it is not my genre (my being neither YA or much interested in fantasy) I really enjoyed it. I read the first four chapters and you have a fabulous imagination, clear voice and are a confident storyteller. The graphic first scene drew me in and set the scene for the whole story very well. I love that gypsy mothers worry about their daughters falling of broomsticks! Hilarious. The only suggestion I have is that for me there was a bit of an adjustment in the first chapter when you switched voice to Willow - I expect that is Authonomy forcing your layout so it is not a huge paragraph break, you might want to use something like * * * to mark the change, just my opinion. Well starred and on my w/l - Coloratura :)

Hi Michelle :)

Just reached the end of chapter 3, and really enjoying what I've read so far! You've obviously put a lot of research into this, and your hard work shines through your writing. A couple of typos can easily be fixed, but you've crafted a wonderful, magical world here. Very impressive writing!

I think there's a bit of a jump in chapter one where we suddenly go from Lila's head into Willow's. Some publishers don't like that as it jerks the reader out of comfort. It's only personal preference though, (I know I'm guilty of it too), so keep what you're comfortable with :)

High stars from me :)

RK

Hi Michelle,
I've just read your book and really enjoyed it. From the first chapter I was intrigued and just had to keep on reading.

Willow, Thing and Lila work perfectly together and although there are minor errors which is only to be expected, I think it's an excellent book and look forward to reading the concluding chapters. Well done !!

Lainie :)

This is really good. A few funky sentences here and there but your writing is excellent, smooth and so vivid we can see these scenes in our minds. Exciting and fun to read. High stars! ~Gail

ps-love the cover, too!

I've just read chapters 13 and 14 and they're brilliant! I think the scenes with the dream snatching demon were compelling and very polished. Chapter 14 ended dramatically and left me hanging. Also the Willow's fall and the subsequent dialogue between Willow and Thing is much clearer.
Great job. :)

Michelle i found your book completely by chance and i have to say, it's one of the best books i've read on here in a long time! It's the first time i've read a book on authonomy and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since i finished reading it!

I was captured as soon as i read the pitch and i just knew i was going to love it.
Your opening chapter is extremely dramatic and leaves the reader with lots of questions. Lila intrigued me from the very beginning and i could feel her emotions quite clearly when Willow was being executed something which is very unusual when this was the first time i'd been introduced to either of the characters. You captured Willow's story telling ability perfectly and i was drawn into the tale just as much as the children in the book!
I think thing is brilliant and the fact he annoys Lila so much but he the one who keeps such a close eye on er and keeps her safe.

Suggestions:
Firstly there were times when Willow's conversations with Thing grew a bit confusing and it was difficult to work out who was saying what. Secondly there were a couple of spelling/grammar issues i found, but this is only to be expected and easily fixed.

The only other thing i have to say is i wish there was more posted here! You left me completely hanging at the end of chapter 12 and i just want to know what happens next! If you ever decide to post more on here let me know and i'll deffinately be back and leave more feedback.

Michelle this is a stunning piece of writing, which is polished and unique and i wish you every success with it.
What a gem!
Starred and backed until it reaches its deserved spot on the desk!
Amy :)

YARG Review:

Your writing is mesmerizing. I couldn't stop reading, inspite of being horrified! You described the scene perfectly. The force that held Lila back, I thought would be the saving force for Willow. I only saw one typo in chapter one. you had "loser" for closer, located toward the bottom of chapter one.

Very well written! The only problem, I saw was when you changed perspective from Lila to Willow. That threw me off for a moment. You might want some indication that you are changing point of view. Other than that, great job!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

THE GYPSY’S DAUGHTER
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a so-called witch being burnt at a stake. You flesh out your characters well; I was surprised how quickly you were able to make me root for Willow. Lila is an equally interesting character because of her magic abilities. If I had a suggestion it would be to be careful of point-of-view. It shifts from Lila to Willow to Lila; you might want to break up those sections with a row of ** or some other symbol to show your reader they’re going to be inside another’s head. Overall, tho, a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

superb for it genre well written and abstrativly concieved. It had me reading on and on.

Sue
A Date in the Diary

YARG review
Hello Michelle
The opening scene is good, nice and violent to get the action going with a jolt. It isn’t clear to me though whether Lila was expecting something of the kind, as she doesn’t react very strongly to the sight of Willow being led to the stake. Perhaps you need to beef up her emotions a bit here. The action slows down after the opening scene, maybe the storytelling with the children holds it up too much.
The Thing is a good character and slightly ambivalent, which balances up the rather gingerbread house atmosphere of Willow’s cottage.
You introduce the unexplained the murders gradually and mysteriously. It’s a shame we know about them already from the blurb. Would it be possible to rework it a bit?

I found a few nits:
The small boy’s remark about Lila not wearing any shoes is maybe anachronistic since in the days when witch burning took place, most poor people went barefoot.

The use of ‘downtrodden’ to describe the children when the petals dissolve in their hands is maybe a bit strong. How about disappointed or downcast?

In the next chapter when Willow has her fainting fit, you say Lila rushed to her side and ‘gathered up Willow’s heavy head.’ It sounds too much as though her head fell off.

The dialogue needs a bit of attention to get it flowing naturally. Willow uses ‘my child’ and ‘young one’ and ‘dear one’ instead of Lila’s name. It’s sounds a bit Mother Superior-ish to me. I have a thing about dialogue though, so it might just be me!

I enjoyed this; it’s a good read.
Jane
ps If you like violent opening scenes you might be able to give me some helpful feedback on The Dark Citadel. I’m unsure about the prologue myself, but I’d be pleased to hear what you thought of if, and the opening chapter.

I tend to be direct and concise in commenting. You have a gem of a story here, crisply told ( a tad longish) and original.. It is rare to find new ground in the YA field. You are a pathfinder with this one.

A BHCG review.
Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
Someone is killing the gypsy women in a form or ritual. The two pieces of silver in their hands has to mean something. The killer must have some form of magic to be able to subdue those able to defend themselves with magic, but there again; anyone can have this if they can find a trigger to unlock their power.
Given the fortune-teller’s words to Harriet, I would guess Lila is the product of a union between the mayor’s wife and the gypsy boy. Killing the gypsy women might be his idea of a suitable punishment.
Pacing – too much backstory or too little
Opening with a burning at the stake is certainly an attention grabber. However, a certain degree of gristly research is lacking. The victim’s eyes would soon be blistered over in the flames and would boil in their sockets. Perhaps look at descriptions of the Auto de Fay done by the Inquisition.

Characters/Characterization
Nicely rounded characters and individual voices for them with their own wants, wishes and needs. There is a good offset between the almost puritanical villages and the free living gypsy folk.

Point of View/Voice
Told in third omniscient, the story lacks the deep point of view of any one character. Bouncing around inside the heads of all the characters from scene to scene tends to distance the reader and also is a tad old fashioned. If told in a tight third, with three or four point of view characters at the most, and each scene separated by a section break for the changes of POV would make this a lot tighter.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I can see this appealing to a young adult market. It is very much a misplaced heroine type book. I can’t find any detriment in the style.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Basic mechanics are good and I didn’t notice repetition. It is a tad on the wordy side with more little scenes than necessary. Perhaps less telling and more focus on the pace would tighten up the narrative.

Dialogue
All good, particularly Thing’s individual speech pattern.

Originality
I can’t say that I have read anything remotely similar. There is a freshness and an originality to this.

Publishability
The pacing is slow after the burning scene. The problem is in the amount of time spent concentrating on the day to day life of Lila and Willow. What is the final word count going to be? I have an idea it is going to come in big, as in over 100k. Think about this as the average YA doesn’t go over around 70k unless a person is wildly successful on previous books and has a huge selling track record, like J.K. Rowlings. That said, I think this would have great appeal to the target audience.


Nits as I read through all the sub.

Consider less telling. Instead of going through all Lila’s actions, as in ‘she could see’, ‘she heard and she felt, work the sensations through her eyes and ears. Try to avoid the constructions ‘heard’ , ‘felt’ and ‘saw’ as they are indicative of telling and not showing.

Section breaks need to be more than an extra line between switches of point of view characters. One of the standards is to insert *** between the sections.

Knitting takes a long time unless Willow was using magic. Finishing one in a day would be an accomplishment.

I hope this helps. Thanks for sharing.

A YARG review-
Hi Michelle,
The first two chapters were great. Knowing Willow dies kind of made me reluctant to continue, but your writing is good enough that I kept going. Your grammer is fine and your chapter length is good.
I think this will do well in the YA market! Two thumbs up!
Noelle J. Alabaster 'Dark Origins'

Great start to a story - really gripping.
Solid writing skills took me straight into the tale and kept me reading with good pace and flow.
I haven't read much YA (although I'm starting to thanks to this site!) but from what I've seen of this, I can imagine the audience would love it.

I'm starring this now and will pop it on my shelf as soon as there's space.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

SP – intriguing.

LP – “Full moon brings with it, grisly murders” – I don’t think you need the comma and this almost needs a “the” in front of it – “The onset of the full moon brings with it grisly murders” or similar.

CH1 - A chilling start. I loved the juxtaposition of the neatly manicured walkways against the horror of what was happening to Willow. It was a very strong image.
“She could not risk them noticing that she was different and risk her own life as well.” A bit picky but I didn’t like “risk” used twice in such a short space of time. Something like “and put her own life in danger as well” would say the same thing without jarring.
It reminded me a bit of “The Wicker Man” where you think – no, they can’t burn him, surely not and then suddenly you are treated to his long and slow death in glorious technicolour. This is exactly the effect you have here. Lila will save her, any minute now, any minute ……. oh poo she really is going to die! And the melting like a candle was gross, I actually winced which I think is a good effect.

CH2 – A nice change of pace here from the action in chapter one. I’m dying to know if they gypsy rose story was true or of some significance further on.
If half of the children were gypsies in the tent why would they all gasp at the name “gypsy rose”? Maybe half would gasp?
“Trisha” – sounded like a modern name. Jarred a bit for me.

CH3 – Underlines the reliance on Willow and brings in Thing as an intriguing character. I’m getting a little confused by gypsies at this point though. Sometimes the picture seems to be of living in harmony side by side whereas sometimes there seems a sinister edge, an uneasy alliance. It would help the reader to define sides at this stage. Who is the underdog , who are we rooting for?

CH4 – I love “thing” – it’s a nice device. However, I’m not sure whether it is deliberate but his language is very like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, it’s the third party speech i.e. “scared miss” rather than “scared you”. It’s not a criticism simply an observation.

Overall I really like this. It starts off grisly then changes pace to a nicely unwound fantasy story. Lila is a believable mix of naivete and restlessness and I assume that her growth as a person will be the bedrock of the story. The magical world is painted effortlessly and the reader is immediately drawn in.

Best of luck with this, Marns

A BHCG review --
Over all , I enjoyed it and read farther than I normally do for reviews.
Plot/pacing
Starting with a witch burning is a real wow.
The story re-begins well with birth, normal day as a witch, and then in 3 a couple sinister tones start.
In four we get love interest, and several mysterious lures. This is well laid out.
However:
C1: Beginning at the end was jarring to me and doesn't match the pitch.
I would probably have her more clearly looking for Willow than just sneaking. I'd also mention the note sooner.
Avoid going back in time to relive the same moment from both POVs.
C2: Key plot point - why was Gypsy Rose outcast among her own?
Is their home across the river? the story made the boundary very important.
why would the guard goose attack its own people?
C3: casual extradimensional teleportation, though funny, is a huge waste of magic. A witch who swats a powerful demon so casually likely won't live to see their next birthday.
C4: major plot points out of order and too casual:
she did forbidden magic with the town elders????
discussion of Isabella's recent death would have happened in the garden and probably on the way home in 3.
when during the day/night did it happen?
Given this is, in essence, part murder mystery, main character should state the desire to find the killer by now.

Characters/Characterization
I can vividly picture the old witch, her house, and Lila's mother after 2, but not Lila.
I know almost nothing about the main character after chapter 1.
The only thing that comes across very clearly is that the witch chose to die and take no one with her.
I also know nothing about main character ages or the mechanics and strength of their magic even after 4.
The rules are key to good fantasy/world building.

Point of View/Voice
Chapter two has a very nice "tell the story of me how I was born" feel
but there doesn't seem to be a reaction from Lila.
Lila also doesn't seem to have much of a reaction to her best friend who just lost his mother.
Other than bored and curious, I'm not feeling her much. For Young Adult, there should be more of this angst.

Style –
The first three chapters are in very different styles: narrative, fairytale monologue, realistic dialogue (which seems to continue in 4) This constant shift makes it harder to commit to the book.

Sentence level – sent in separate message

Dialogue
chapter two seems to have a lot of padding. "I promise" "I can assure you". Much of this is probably personal style.
In 4, Lila suddenly switches from Willow to mama. This is major. be consistent.

Originality - it reminded me a little of Harry Potter's world and, without the murders, Sabrina the teenage witch.
What's missing so far is a differentiator and rules.

Scott Rhine -- Houses of the Holy

Hello, Michelle, this is a BHCG review

Plot: I think this topic and genre is very markatable. You begin your book with a "hook" to engage your readers, yet you leave them asking questions. I did wonder if, while Lila is in the alley by herself, you could somehow convey the sense of urgency for her to get to the burning. She seems rather casual at the beginning. Did she not realize that Willow was about to die until Willow "tugged at her heart?"

Characters: Your character's strong connection to one another comes across well, and their connection is automatically strengthened by their difference from society. Your point of view shifting was a bit unusual. I did feel like the sections where we were in Willow's head were interesting, but if Lila is going to be your main character, perhaps she should be your only POV character, so readers will be able to focus on relating to her. I also felt that a paragraph near the end seemed to be spoken by a narrator. It didn't seem connected with either character.

Dialogue: Not much of it in this first section, but you use it to illustrate the city's reaction to witches, and to alienate Willow and Lila. You reveal their connection to one another through thought and silent interactions, which is the only way they are able to communicate at this moment.

Pacing: As I've said earlier, you began with a mysterious and exciting, yet emotionally touching scene. Even when Lila is alone in the alley, your reader still gets a sense of who she is and how the city feels about her. Effective.

Hope that some of this feedback is useful to you. Best of luck with your work!
Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Lovly fantasy stuff to get lost in. I really like your writing style its easy to absorb and you have an excellent way of describing the ordinary and making it sound interesting. The only thing that threw me was in chapter 1 when I read 'she felt a tug on her heart, a call from Willow. I thought she had a call on her mobile and that really threw me ..just my silly interpretation. This is wunderful YA stuff, the premis is excellent. Best of luck wih it.
Sue
One Foot in the Jungle

The Gypsies Daughter
Right from the beginning there is an atmosphere of menace and the scene setting is very good I think. I felt great sadness reading the first chapter and a palpable sense of helplessness and injustice. This abomination happened so very many times and as all examples of mans’ inhumanity to man it is unforgivable. I think that you dealt with it very well. Not too much gore but real horror in spite of that.

The faery story scene is mesmerising and magical and I was totally enthralled. The touch of romance, the sadness of love gone wrong and the mystery of a spirit in the woods, this really does have it all just now. I think that this is beautifully written with an excellent pace and natural yet appropriate dialogue. I was expecting a well written piece of work and I am not disappointed. I notice that you have it aimed at a Young Adult audience and wonder if it is pitched exactly right. I don’t know yet of course but maybe it would be better suited to teens of course there is a crossover and this will appeal to all ages looking for a romantic and magical story.

The more that I read of this charming story the more I feel that it is young for the Young Adult market but perfectly suited to those younger readers aged around twelve to fourteen.

Although I am enjoying this hugely I am slightly confused that the community are referred to as Gypsies. I was under the impression that Gypsies were traditionally travelling people and yet here we have them settled and living in cottages. It may be just me but it is niggling at the back of my mind and so I thought I would mention it.

Chapter 5 has a tiny typo I think “So, how is your head… …” that needs looking at.

It is my understanding that when a gypsy dies all of their possessions are destroyed particularly in very traditional communities and so it seems a little incongruous that the gift of a bag would be offered to Lilla. Of course it could be that in this make believe world the Gypsies are different but again it is niggling away at me and so I only mention it as an observation.

At the start of chapter 6 your have repetition of the word ankle very quickly (please excuse these notes I am not nitpicking but simply trying to be helpful as I do know how hard it is to edit your own work)

Well I think that this is a delightful book. Magic is of course very popular these days and it has a faery tale air of it in spite of the murders and tragedy. I do still wonder about which would be the right age to pitch it at. The last of the HP books were of course quite gory and didn’t hold back on the death and disaster side of things so it seems to me that twelve upwards would work but then what do I know??? I will starspangle this and back it while I still have a fair TSR. Good luck with it.

Every words count,
When every words sound.
What a nice crafting!
By your brilliant insight.
Yet not finished my-
Calm and easy reading
But let me appreciate it,
By keeping in my shelf.
****
SALI KAMAR (ASH)

I've I've read everything you've got up here and can honestly say this is the best thing I've read on Authonomy so far. I was gripped by the story. You're writing style and story telling is professional. And as much as I hate to admit it, I couldn't find any constructive criticism to offer. It's ready to be submitted to a publisher. I feel it's so good I am moved to recommend it to others on this site because I want to see you get more backing. Great job!!!