They Shoot Birds Don't They?

They Shoot Birds Don’t They?
By M.P. Jones.


A story that should appeal to a young audience, I think the age group that your aiming for is just about right. Mason’s dialogue comes over very well.
I found there’s a great deal of humour within the story, as well as its seriousness to find an answer to the question of what happens to dead birds.
Mr. Phipps has certainly got everyone excited regarding the ‘Urban Myth’ competition—and the prize money is nothing to be sneezed about either.
Mason’s family could well do with having their bank account topped up, things are getting pretty desperate.
Enjoyed the visit to the zoo, I could sense the unease of Mason’s question to the keeper as he struggled to answer...he found a good way out.
I’ve read to chapter five and found it a nice steady read, it took me back to my childhood days, and I would have lapped this story up when I was a kid.
Many stars for this until I read further!

Just noticed a couple of minor errors, nothing really :-

...they can’t be being cleaned up by the local council, that’s (definate)... definite.
...the look on his face quickly made them (rethink)... re-think.
I would have a comma in the book title – They Shoot Birds, Don’t They?

Best wishes to you,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

OK. Being a grandma, I didn't like the first line, which is where I stopped the first time I looked at your book. However, I can see that boys 11+ would think it was great. So this time I kept reading, right through chapter 9. This is a great book for boys and should do well. I especially like the way you introduced relevant Bible verses, a connection with the pastor, and God's amazing escape plan.
We certainly need more Christian children's books like this, as an alternative to 'the dark side' books. 6 stars.

THEY SHOOT BIRDS, DON’T THEY?
This is a clever story. The idea of having an urban myth to debunk as a school project is a great plot. Mason is a good main character; he’s likable from the beginning and becomes sympathetic when he learns his parents may lose their house. The way you begin with Mason in the lorry surrounded by dead birds really pulled me in. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

CCRG Book Review

Book Cover: Clever, colors that pop.
Short Pitch: Excellent. We are promised a lively plot.
Long Pitch: Professional. The secret ingredient of Coola Cola is . . . no it can’t be? My upper lip has risen in disgust. Unless I’m wrong. . . Great hook to lure the potential reader/buyer to open the book.

Chapter 1

They Shoot Birds Don’t They: Chapter 1, an ammonia filled experience that cleverly puts our protagonist in an unfamiliar spot—cats and dead birds. It’s definitely a spooky beginning. And we understand the English teacher has a lot to answer for. But Mason is writing a school project and in order to research it he must live it.

“What on earth had (I) been thinking getting in here.”

Chapter 2

Mr Phipps and thirty blank-faced students is a great work picture without a ton of explaining. We can see it and get a taste of Phipp’s personality as he forges ahead, undaunted. I find his explanations of an Urban Myth hysterically funny, Obama’s birth certificate and the Head Teacher’s grandfather are a case in hand. But what draws me to this chapter is Phipps. His teacheresque (no such word) personality is so authentic that the reader cannot help but enjoy him. (And some of us have had that experience and it’s not much fun.)

“Mr Phipps was one of those teachers who like(d) . . .”

The dialogue between the two boys Mason and Ollie is extremely entertaining especially Ollie’s choice for his Urban Myth project. I have to read on to find out which team wins. I agree with Mason though. It has to be Man U.

Chapter 3

The relationship between Mason and his father is a really nice touch. I enjoyed smelling the oil and their discussion of Urban Myths. A twelve year-old would definitely be very curious and grown-up at this age (especially if brought up in England). The bigger words, like ‘biased’ and ‘virtually prehistoric’ are frequent expressions children cling to but you might consider simplifying the conversation between Ollie and Mason as they describe the Cat’s breath legend. I think bigger expressions are used to show off but not between two good friends. We see Mason as intelligent and instantly likeable and we care for him. This is a plus to readers searching for a favorite. They certainly don’t have to search here.

A quick chat (is there such a thing?) — This is exactly how a child thinks.

Chapter 4

A visit to the zoo, a child’s favorite. Delightful descriptions of the animals in their enclosures and a reference to Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear presenter, made me laugh. But as they drive, Mason sees a dead bird by the curb, fueling an interest in something nobody seemed to know about. Quite a bit of back story here about the origin of his name just after he asked a very good question which the keeper dismissed a little too quickly. And do monkeys have paws? I thought they had hands adapted for grasping. Jumping out of the car to take a picture of the dead bird gave me a chuckle and again we see the relationship between father and son as special (as Mum buries her nose in her novel).

So far, I have thoroughly enjoyed this unique book and did have a sneak peek at some later chapters just in case my assumption of those birds was wrong. And I also wanted to get back to the lorry as in Chapter 1. I like the way this book is shaping up and I can see it doing extremely well. I have highly rated it and when space comes available, I will certainly back it. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

BHCG review

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum

This is a story about a boy called Mason, who is set a homework task in school to investigate and either prove or disprove an urban myth. he starts out by wanting to discover where all the dead birds go but abandons this in favour of what is the secret ingredient in Coca Cola. one night, Mason follows a cat with a strange flashing collar to a lorry and in a reckless and impulsive moment, climbs aboard the lorry to find out where it is going. mason then discovers a factory which is in the business of collecting dead birds and recycling their body parts for various different uses. Thus, Mason solves the problem of finding out where all dead birds go to and at the same time, what the secret ingredient for Coca Cola is. mason also stumbles on a plot by the tycoon of Cooca Cola which causes great concern and the story is incomplete at this point.

I read all the chapters posted because I could not work out where the plot was going at first so I just kept reading. That in itself is a good sign because it means I enjoyed everything that is posted.

This is a hilarious and outrageous plot which will tap into the creative nature and imaginations of your intended audience (although I would say 11years and older rather than restrict it to 11-13years.) Very original storyline.

My only comment about your short pitch it that when I read it, it sounded at first that Mason had made the plan himself to eradicate all birds, when in actual fact he stumbles on someone elses plot to do this. maybe an edit to make it clearer? otherwise the long pitch is good, intriguing.


Pacing – too much backstory or too little

About right but I did think that when Mason was researching dead birds and secret ingredients of Coca cola, particularly on the Internet, that there was a bit too much information. A lot of it was very funny, such as the penguins and the more outrageous explanations, but I thought a little less quoting and more of Masons interpretation of the explanations would move the story forward a bit more. Also, given that the first part of the book is Mason doing researching, I was wondering if it would create a bit of suspense for him to see a cat with a flashing collar before the night he actually followed the cat to the lorry? but he does not follow it because he is still processing all the research he has done etc. Just a suggestion.

Characters/Characterization

Mason is very mature for his age and also very reflective. he is a likeable character who is studious in his work and also his sense of responsibility, which perhaps stems from his up bring and his very down to earth parents. Would all 11 year olds be able to quote from the Bible?

Masons parents are down to earth, realistic and likeable characters. I would look forward to seeing their responses to Masons journey to the dead bird factory.

Olly is good as the more irresponsible side kick, again I would be interested to learn of his potential involvement in the later part of the story.

Mr Finch is likeable because his true passion is feathers and yet he is being forced to produce the secret ingredient for a drink against his will. His ethics and his humanity are in conflict with his actions and his job and this is well drawn.

Point of View/Voice

I think it works well for this story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader

I found it very easy to read, your grammar, sentence structure and use of words is simple yet effective and I whizzed through the chapters.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Some suggestions below

Chapter 1
This wasn’t because of the topic
Should be
This was not because of the topic

or prove that is in fact true
Should be
or prove that it is in fact true

I didn’t join the herd
Should be
I did not join the herd
- better to use the two words rather than join them together unless it is dialogue when it is more acceptable

The bell rang and Mr Phipps knew it was going to be a lost cause now - take off the 'now'

Chapter 4
so I will turn it around ask you what do you think?” 
Should be
so I will turn it around and ask you what do you think?” 


Originality and Publishability
I don't think I have ever come across a book like it. very original and a lot of fun. My only comment would be the main story line is fantastical but you also have a lot of interesting facts throughout as well. you use this story to explore issues such as politics, religion, parenting, education etc. For your intended audience I am just wondering if they would have the understanding of what is based in fact and what is not. I am just wondering how this age group would differentiate between the fact and fiction. perhaps only the intended audience can answer that one.

otherwise, love the title and the story, would be interested to read more.

Six stars and will stay on my watch list for future shelf consideration.

Best Wishes
Annie

Hi MP,
This is an easy read which flows well and seems to be perfect for it's target audience.
I loved the first line and the intrigue in the first chp. Then the premise is set up in Chp2 and an increase of the tension in Chp3.
It feels tightly plotted and well written. I particularly liked the descriptions in Chp1 as he wakes up, and the hook at the end of that chapter.
There were very few nits or niggles, so I didn't get a chance to make extensive notes. Sorry that I can't add much to the mix. My only very slight concern was that maybe it was a tad too formulaic and might need more fleshing out in places e.g. as a reader we don't get to know the parents much first before we find out they have money troubles, so the emotional tension about Mason winning the prize is less than it could otherwise be.
I'm sure this will do well and I wish you every luck with it,
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
PS. We were doing a reading swap, so please look at mine when you get the chance.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

CHIRG
Not sure if you want comments as I see you have already published this. You have some lovely ideas. I liked the first short chapter - it's good to have a hook for young readers. Good luck with this and if you are looking for feedback of a more critical nature, please let me know and I will re-visit and do my best to oblige.
In the meantime, good luck with your writing endeavours.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

CHIRG review.
This is a very original idea and books for boys seem to be in demand at the moment, apparently. The first chapter is a brilliant hook and the talk of pee should get everyone on side before you start! I like all the detail of school and other possible urban myths including Barack Obama's birth,and the jehovah's witnesses and the whole cat and baby scenario. The family's financial problems add more urgency to the quest for the perfect urban myth, giving it a kind of treasure seeking element. Love the humour and the kid's thoughts and conversations ring true. I didn't notice any typos which means I was just reading for enjoyment.
I think kids would enjoy this. High stars!
PS just on CHIRG as a reader as my book isn't childrens.

They Shoot Birds Don’t They?
By M.P. Jones.


A story that should appeal to a young audience, I think the age group that your aiming for is just about right. Mason’s dialogue comes over very well.
I found there’s a great deal of humour within the story, as well as its seriousness to find an answer to the question of what happens to dead birds.
Mr. Phipps has certainly got everyone excited regarding the ‘Urban Myth’ competition—and the prize money is nothing to be sneezed about either.
Mason’s family could well do with having their bank account topped up, things are getting pretty desperate.
Enjoyed the visit to the zoo, I could sense the unease of Mason’s question to the keeper as he struggled to answer...he found a good way out.
I’ve read to chapter five and found it a nice steady read, it took me back to my childhood days, and I would have lapped this story up when I was a kid.
Many stars for this until I read further!

Just noticed a couple of minor errors, nothing really :-

...they can’t be being cleaned up by the local council, that’s (definate)... definite.
...the look on his face quickly made them (rethink)... re-think.
I would have a comma in the book title – They Shoot Birds, Don’t They?

Best wishes to you,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Interesting idea for a story it is very original.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

OK. Being a grandma, I didn't like the first line, which is where I stopped the first time I looked at your book. However, I can see that boys 11+ would think it was great. So this time I kept reading, right through chapter 9. This is a great book for boys and should do well. I especially like the way you introduced relevant Bible verses, a connection with the pastor, and God's amazing escape plan.
We certainly need more Christian children's books like this, as an alternative to 'the dark side' books. 6 stars.

THEY SHOOT BIRDS, DON’T THEY?
This is a clever story. The idea of having an urban myth to debunk as a school project is a great plot. Mason is a good main character; he’s likable from the beginning and becomes sympathetic when he learns his parents may lose their house. The way you begin with Mason in the lorry surrounded by dead birds really pulled me in. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This should be published, highly starred. Good luck. Will read it when it comes out in kindle. One or two chaps on this laptop best I can do.

Dear Martin

Your book just gets funnier and funnier. I find myself chortling at it, and i can hear the voice of a growing boy, and all his crazy projects - borrowing cats, chewing gum, listening to his mum and dad arguing about the driving. Great stuff, and the kids will love it.

Fran Macilvey :-))

Congratulations on your publication! It would be great if you could share your route to that Holy Grail with some of the rest of us writers, aka 'The Unpublished Ones'.

M.P. this is a Christian review and critique

Great opening! What kid doesn’t like reading about pee and poop and stuff like that. And then there’s the mystery of why Mason is in a van with a bunch of cats to keep the reader turning the page.

Chapter two you introduce the problem right away. Very good. And Mason is such a normal kid whom we can all relate to, we absolutely want him to succeed in his task, especially since Mum and Dad are in such a tight spot. I loved the expression “voluntold.” What a “clever clogs” you are!

And really, what does happen to birds when they die? They are forever smacking into my big picture window. When I look up there is a fluff of feathers floating to the ground, but when I rush to look outside, I never find any evidence of what I would expect - a surely stunned creature lying on the ground. Hmmm…
It was fun to read all the theories - amazing that P. Jones even has an opinion!

This book has all the makings of a really great book. It’s entertaining, educational, has a serious adult problem that a young boy can help solve, and of course, there is mystery and a good sidekick to help Mason along the way. Your writing is clear and concise and easy for the younger reader to follow and engage in.

The only thing that made me cringe a little was the dig on our Catholic brother’s and sister’s. Although I believe what you say is the truth, I wonder if your story is the time or place to point out our differences. I think you should keep this kid’s book what it is, wholesome and inclusive.

I skimmed chapters six and seven which made me want to return and read more... With that I will highly star your book!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Have read chapters 1 and 2. I'll admit that most of my children's book experience comes from reading with my 9 and 7 year old but as they're fairly good readers I've dipped into the 11+ range a reasonable amount (Jacqueline Wilson; Michael Lawrence; Alex Scarrow at moment).
Your book compares very well. The first chapter had the perfect hook- pee/ wee. It hits the ground running, which is vital for the age group, especially for lads.
The second chapter sets the story up well and very rapidly establishes the key relationships. The story is intriguing and original and has a Jacqueline Wilson air about the first person narrative (hope that Ok comparison). Mason is likeable and identifiable to the kids who wil read this (I.e more studious kids who read books before the x-box).
Re the dialogue- it could use a little smoothing out. Some sentences don't sound like an 11 year old would. It's hard to give you specifics-i'll try and look for some. One that springs to mind is 'folks' when referring to Jehovahs Witnesses. Contrasts too vividly with a kid that would say ' whatever!' The contemporary references/pop culture references are mixed: the Wikpedia/Internet stuff is fine but I'm not certain how many would know Family Fortunes. Tricky with kids isn't it?
So a great opening that flows very much like the stuff my kids read. Good luck with it. Given it 5 stars and will back it soon (just changed some onto my shelf the other day so want to give them a few days at least).
Cheers
Ross

I have put this straight onto my watchlist and given it 5 stars.
The opening lines pull you straight in and the bouyant fllowing voice and style keep you engaged.
I m looking forward to having the time to read the whole book as it seems just as suitable for adults as for its target audience.

I have put this straight onto my watchlist and given it 5 stars.
The opening lines pull you straight in and the bouyant fllowing voice and style keep you engaged.
I m looking forward to having the time to read the whole book as it seems just as suitable for adults as for its target audience.

Intriguing opening. I had to read on to see what in the world was going on----great opening!

In chapter 1 The third sentence should be the word "there" instead of "here".

In chapter 2, "thirty blank faces stared back at him." should be all you need, you don't have to include the rest of the sentence.

I like your writing, and your style, and your story line. It is clever and new. I have put you on my watchlist. I found your book, by the way, in the forums for critquing christian authors/books.

Sincerely,

Donna

How does this story qualify as a Christian Story? Where does the Christian story become evident? Even the Main Character doesn't seem to fit the list of Christian stories.

The story is well written for English Lit. But, it doesn't fit American Lit. This makes it interesting as the difference shows. Since this story is listed with Christian stories, I kept waiting for the christian charateristics to show. It left me desapointed.

Several of my stories took a while to bring out the christian traits, but there was always hints along the way.

You did well, but I am short on time to read every chapter posted.

Don R. Budd

I read the first three chapters, an am already backing it. I think it's very age appropriate, you hit the mark and definitely appeal to your demographic. I think the voice is clear and the references are up to date (Obama's birth certificate, social media references). I think the strongest part so far, based on what I've read, is the dialogue between your main character and his friend Ollie. They really come across as close chums, and the dialogue flows evenly. I like the pace and the over-all idea of the book. It's relatable and fun. I'll comment more once I read more.

If you have some time I'd really appreciate it if you checked out my young adult novel The Emblem of Eternity, inspired by the E.O. Green school shooting.

Cheers,
Raziel

I like your opening chapter. You've thrown your readers right in the action and it's sure to compel them to read more. It's intriguing. Well edited; I didn't notice any typos or spelling/gramatical errors. I look forward to reading more when I get a chance. High stars :) Happy Halloween!

YARG REVIEW- They Shoot Birds Don’t They?

I know I’ve taken a peek at your work before, but after seeing you post on the children’s recommendation thread I decided to come over and take a more in-depth glance(see if there has been any noticeable changes, etc.) Okay, for what it’s worth, I’m new at this. So take what I say with a grain of salt. Also, all of my comments are over the first chapter. I type as I read, so you can get the insight of what is going on in the readers mind as they go through your story. Here it goes...


Ch 1

1) First thing I notice is a little punctuation error. Whenever there are quotes the period goes inside the quotes. Like this: “Hi, my name is Ashley.” Not like this: “Hi, my name is Ashley”.

2) Wow your chapter 1 ends before it really begins, huh? I am moving on to chapter two. A lot of references to it smelling like pee. I really think one reference is enough at the very beginning. You leave us with a ton of questions and wanting to read more. Why exactly is the English teacher to blame? Is going through my mind.

Ch 2

1) This time you do the same thing as you did with a period with a comma. Commas go inside quotation marks as well. For example, “Class,” said Mr. Phillips. Not: “Class”, said Mr. Phillips.

2) You are missing a quotation mark on the end of the first piece of dialogue in the chapter.

3) I would think about rewording “The eyebrows went back down.” Maybe, “Mr Phillips lowered his eyebrows...” Just a thought.

4) Try and cut unnecessary adverbs. There are a few places where I think you could tighten up the prose by cutting some of the extra words out. Especially, since this is written for children or the middle grades (11-13). At one point you say “I hurriedly changed the subject.” A simple, “I changed the subject” makes this a quicker read, and within context we know that he is doing this quickly or in a hurry. I



I hope some of this helps and gives you some food for thought on the story. I really think the younger audiences will resonate with this. Good luck!

Ashley

Hi there,

Well this is my first read on authonomy and hence my first book to comment on so bear with me!

I'll adopt what several other in the community appear to do and base my thoughts on key headings.

Short pitch

Certainly like this. By stating that the birds could all become extinct certainly draws you in and makes you wonder what is going to happen.

Long pitch

We know who the protagonist is and that the story is seemingly going to be based around one central character, Mason Wilson. I like how you say 'strangely collared cat' which immediately makes you think something sinister and possibly other-wordly is going to happen (I've only read the first three chapters so don't know if this is the case but it's what it made me think!) All in all I think the pitch did it's job.

Characters.

As mentioned I have read the first three chapters so have been introduced to several characters. Mason seems a good natured, considerate child. It's nice that he appears to have a good relationship with his Dad. I like the teacher, Mr Phipps. He seems to be of the old school style of teacher that I grew up with! (I assume with all the projects he's dished out he's been there many years!) We've been introduced to Ollie as-well who seems to have the same temparant and nature as Mason. Overall the characters seems very likeable and immediate.

Plot

I did like the fact that you start off with Mason in the back of the lorry in Chapter 1 and then revert to a few days previously. I like those sort of beginnings as you have a protagonist in a certain situation and then you know you are going to read about how he/she got there. Pace seems okay to me so far.

Style

Writing is nice and straightforward to read and definitely I can see this being for the YA market (age 11 plus). Like a few others have commented you've got a nack in ending your chapters with a 'pull' to make you want to read on. It's something I'm trying to develop so it's good to see how others manage to do this. You've put little dashes of humour in there as well which works well. Like the reference to Man United and Liverpool (I will of course make no reference whatsoever to the score today - blast, failed!!)


Overall the story certainly entertains me and will remain on my wishlist to read more. The book is set up nicely and taking your pitch into consideration I will come back to it.

Really original, well done. Just started reading but hope to finish it and comment soon. Backed and full stars in the mean time.

Dear M.P.,

This is really good, lively writing that moves the story along at a nice pace. A couple of odd verb constructions popped out. One was "be stood" in chap 2 last paragraph. Shouldn't it be "be standing"? But that's only a tiny quibble. I love the humor which is carefully brushed in rather than being laid by a trowel. I definitely buy that Mason is a 13 yo boy.

Excellent work. I'm backing this.

Ann Warner - Absence of Grace

Terrific storyline and well written, but personally I would go through it with a bucketful of apostrophes. There are lots of 'could not' ,'he is' etc which would flow better as 'couldn't' and 'he's'. Can't fault it otherwise. On my watchlist.

Hi! I noticed that we're in the same Christian critique group, so I thought I would check out your work. I like the the title. It's very unique and could leave a reader curious to learn what this book is about. Also, you've placed your MC in a less than comfortable place, and left the reader wondering what he's doing there. This could serve as a good page turning element. I wondered if the style was a bit too complex for your target age group. You might want to try shorter sentences. Thanks for posting your work. Hope you'll also check out my novel, Leave Me Asking.
Jonie

CCRG Book Review

Book Cover: Clever, colors that pop.
Short Pitch: Excellent. We are promised a lively plot.
Long Pitch: Professional. The secret ingredient of Coola Cola is . . . no it can’t be? My upper lip has risen in disgust. Unless I’m wrong. . . Great hook to lure the potential reader/buyer to open the book.

Chapter 1

They Shoot Birds Don’t They: Chapter 1, an ammonia filled experience that cleverly puts our protagonist in an unfamiliar spot—cats and dead birds. It’s definitely a spooky beginning. And we understand the English teacher has a lot to answer for. But Mason is writing a school project and in order to research it he must live it.

“What on earth had (I) been thinking getting in here.”

Chapter 2

Mr Phipps and thirty blank-faced students is a great work picture without a ton of explaining. We can see it and get a taste of Phipp’s personality as he forges ahead, undaunted. I find his explanations of an Urban Myth hysterically funny, Obama’s birth certificate and the Head Teacher’s grandfather are a case in hand. But what draws me to this chapter is Phipps. His teacheresque (no such word) personality is so authentic that the reader cannot help but enjoy him. (And some of us have had that experience and it’s not much fun.)

“Mr Phipps was one of those teachers who like(d) . . .”

The dialogue between the two boys Mason and Ollie is extremely entertaining especially Ollie’s choice for his Urban Myth project. I have to read on to find out which team wins. I agree with Mason though. It has to be Man U.

Chapter 3

The relationship between Mason and his father is a really nice touch. I enjoyed smelling the oil and their discussion of Urban Myths. A twelve year-old would definitely be very curious and grown-up at this age (especially if brought up in England). The bigger words, like ‘biased’ and ‘virtually prehistoric’ are frequent expressions children cling to but you might consider simplifying the conversation between Ollie and Mason as they describe the Cat’s breath legend. I think bigger expressions are used to show off but not between two good friends. We see Mason as intelligent and instantly likeable and we care for him. This is a plus to readers searching for a favorite. They certainly don’t have to search here.

A quick chat (is there such a thing?) — This is exactly how a child thinks.

Chapter 4

A visit to the zoo, a child’s favorite. Delightful descriptions of the animals in their enclosures and a reference to Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear presenter, made me laugh. But as they drive, Mason sees a dead bird by the curb, fueling an interest in something nobody seemed to know about. Quite a bit of back story here about the origin of his name just after he asked a very good question which the keeper dismissed a little too quickly. And do monkeys have paws? I thought they had hands adapted for grasping. Jumping out of the car to take a picture of the dead bird gave me a chuckle and again we see the relationship between father and son as special (as Mum buries her nose in her novel).

So far, I have thoroughly enjoyed this unique book and did have a sneak peek at some later chapters just in case my assumption of those birds was wrong. And I also wanted to get back to the lorry as in Chapter 1. I like the way this book is shaping up and I can see it doing extremely well. I have highly rated it and when space comes available, I will certainly back it. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

YARG REVIEW:
I read up to chapter five with ease and if I wasn't about to teach tonight, I would have read more. Mason is a likeable character and as a MC his curiosity transmutes easily to the reader. The hooks at the end of each chapter were good and before I knew it I was reading chapter five just to find out what happened. However, I do wonder if the research details could be shortened a bit - perhaps embedded in the text. From what I read about todays YA - they all hate long narratives. Your writing is uncomplicated - which is good for YA and the pacing is fast enough to make them turn pages. There is a purpose to the text and from the moment Mason is given the project, you know that an adventure is about to enfold. I loved the first sentence and am certain YA's would too - well done! Highly Starred!

M.P.

I enjoyed reading your story. You were on my WL. I'm not sure if it this was a return read or I put it there because I am trying my hand at YA. If it was a return read, sorry for the delay.

Until I got to the mention of England, I'd no idea you were a UK writer which means this is accessible for both US and UK. Sometimes the jargon of a particular country is lost on foreigners, i.e. me.

It's easy to read, and the pace is such that it kept me moving right along. The following are a few points you may want to have a look at.

short pitch - the term ingenious seems an odd one to me. For me,it conjures images of a good thing as opposed to a diabolical thing. If it was cockroaches being extinct I might understand the choice better. Technically the definition is clever, so I'm sure it's appropriate.

You might re-read this. "What on earth had been thinking getting in here?" Even if it's colloquial it still seemed a bit off. Just caused me to stop and re-read a couple of times. I often use improperly structured sentences in dialogue, but they still need to flow.

Yes, always blame it on the English teacher. A wise hook to win over your audience.

swot - that was a new one on me, I like it. It was the second time now I found myself wondering how old are these kids. The first was when the assignment was no less than 1500 words. A reference to Mr Phipps as the hardest fifth grade teacher or something to the sort might give me a little reference. Sorry if you mentioned it and I missed it.

voluntold :)

missing open quote marks on chpt 2 paragraph that starts "I'm not sure how . . ."


This thread helped me eliminate some unwanted pronouns in my book.
Middlegrade is definitely more tell, so I don't fault you for your pronoun use, but early on there is a lot of "I". One less wouldn't hurt. It's a good thread, regardless.


http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/82989/getting-rid-of-i-or-she-he-name-etc-overuse-naturally/


BEST,
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

Hi,

I have read the first three chapters of your book, and so far, I am enjoying it. I really, really love that middle-school, sarcastic tone of your MC--actually, right now, it's the thing I love the most about the book. I also thought you had some clever touches, like the mother who “voluntold” her husband what his chores were, and the description of badminton is priceless. I like how you pepper the story with these wonderfully sly comments and observations.

I am not an expert in grammar or punctuation, but I did notice a few things. In the first paragraph of chapter 1, I think you should italicize “where” and “why”. The first few times I read the sentence, I kept thinking that a portion of it was missing. Then I realized the MC was asking himself the questions “where” and “why”. This kind of confusion could be a major disruption to your reader, which in turn could be fatal to your book, as it's right at the beginning.

Second, the opening quotation mark is missing in the paragraph starting with: ...The only advice I...”

And at the end of chapter 1, the word “I” is missing from the sentence, ...Another question: “What on earth had (I) been thinking getting in here?”

I am curious to know what embarrassing thing happened to Ollie and why it was worse that it happened in Home Ec? Is it because there are girls in the class? Or something else?

Over all, I felt the first chapter needs some editing in order to make it match the quality of the following chapters. I also found it was a little short or detail and on story. I think you were trying to set an intense scene to draw in you reader, which is great. But I think it could be polished a little more and that some other details should be added to make it feel like a chapter instead of a prologue. Actually, when I finished it, I thought maybe your original intention had been to make it a prologue.

Chapter 2 and 3 were a lot of fun. It seemed like you were more comfortable with your story and the characters at this point, as there was a good flow as well as good character development; over all, it was an entirely more satisfying read.

I hope to be able to read more over the weekend. You've got the knack of ending your chapters by foreshadowing things to come, so obviously, I feel like I have to keep reading! Lol

Dyane
The Eagle's Gift

BHCG Review

I thought your first chapter opening wonderful, and you captureded great deal with little fuss. It was quite evokotive with the smells and I got a little sense of phobia in the boy being in the dark, the truck moving, and oh, cats in sacks - Well done

A school boy chooses a topic for a school project which leads him to discover that the nations birds are going to made extinct unless he can stop the plan. I thought this was quite a good angle for a story and certainly unique.

It read quickly, I read two chapters, especilly the first chapter, which drags the reader straight and headlong into the narrative.

You can first person pov well and I like your young MC.

You have an unclomplicated and uncluttered narrative style which I enjoyed and I thought your dialogue came across well and suited the story.

A couple of things I noticed which you might like to consider.

CH1 I thought with all the cats that surely they would be making some kind of noise? Unless of course they were actually dead, in which case I don't how he would no they were cats in those sacs.

"What on earth had been thinking ect" needs amd "I" between "had" and "been"

CH2 "first name with surname" - should be "first name with my surname"

"Is the moon made with cheese?" I LOVE IT

Hope something helps good luck with this.

M.P.,
I found "They Shoot Birds Don't They?" quirky, funny and engaging right from the start. Certainly, riding around in Mason's POV gave me a clear view of his struggle to save the bird population of the world. Your narrative is done in an easy conversational style using phrases appealing to the youthful reader. Being young at heart, it worked for me, too. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi,

There's some good writing. The opening was good. Had me wanting to read more. The first person narrative works well here as the reader tends to get more involved with the characters.

Mason's a bright spark and very mature for his age. I think your writing is a little too mature for 11-13 year olds, Not saying it's bad, but you might want to pitch it to a 13-15 maybe? But then I don't really know what 11 year olds read these days so you maybe right...

Just to let you know 50,000 words is considered a novella and most publishers look for something well over 50,000. You might want to increase the word count a little more.

Good luck! Giving you 5 stars and placing you on my shelf.

Shirani
Chocolate Cake Dreams

Hi,

There's some good writing. The opening was good. Had me wanting to read more. The first person narrative works well here as the reader tends to get more involved with the characters.

Mason's a bright spark and very mature for his age. I think your writing is a little too mature for 11-13 year olds, Not saying it's bad, but you might want to pitch it to a 13-15 maybe? But then I don't really know what 11 year olds read these days so you maybe right...

Just to let you know 50,000 words is considered a novella and most publishers look for something well over 50,000. You might want to increase the word count a little more.

Good luck! Giving you 5 stars and placing you on my shelf.

Shirani
Chocolate Cake Dreams

This is so cute and fun! Mason really is a great character, very endearing. I think your target age group wwill really love this...along with some of us big kids! I like your writing. Its straightforward and simple. I will absolutely shelve this when I get a chance! Good luck with it!

Missy

BHCG review

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum

This is a story about a boy called Mason, who is set a homework task in school to investigate and either prove or disprove an urban myth. he starts out by wanting to discover where all the dead birds go but abandons this in favour of what is the secret ingredient in Coca Cola. one night, Mason follows a cat with a strange flashing collar to a lorry and in a reckless and impulsive moment, climbs aboard the lorry to find out where it is going. mason then discovers a factory which is in the business of collecting dead birds and recycling their body parts for various different uses. Thus, Mason solves the problem of finding out where all dead birds go to and at the same time, what the secret ingredient for Coca Cola is. mason also stumbles on a plot by the tycoon of Cooca Cola which causes great concern and the story is incomplete at this point.

I read all the chapters posted because I could not work out where the plot was going at first so I just kept reading. That in itself is a good sign because it means I enjoyed everything that is posted.

This is a hilarious and outrageous plot which will tap into the creative nature and imaginations of your intended audience (although I would say 11years and older rather than restrict it to 11-13years.) Very original storyline.

My only comment about your short pitch it that when I read it, it sounded at first that Mason had made the plan himself to eradicate all birds, when in actual fact he stumbles on someone elses plot to do this. maybe an edit to make it clearer? otherwise the long pitch is good, intriguing.


Pacing – too much backstory or too little

About right but I did think that when Mason was researching dead birds and secret ingredients of Coca cola, particularly on the Internet, that there was a bit too much information. A lot of it was very funny, such as the penguins and the more outrageous explanations, but I thought a little less quoting and more of Masons interpretation of the explanations would move the story forward a bit more. Also, given that the first part of the book is Mason doing researching, I was wondering if it would create a bit of suspense for him to see a cat with a flashing collar before the night he actually followed the cat to the lorry? but he does not follow it because he is still processing all the research he has done etc. Just a suggestion.

Characters/Characterization

Mason is very mature for his age and also very reflective. he is a likeable character who is studious in his work and also his sense of responsibility, which perhaps stems from his up bring and his very down to earth parents. Would all 11 year olds be able to quote from the Bible?

Masons parents are down to earth, realistic and likeable characters. I would look forward to seeing their responses to Masons journey to the dead bird factory.

Olly is good as the more irresponsible side kick, again I would be interested to learn of his potential involvement in the later part of the story.

Mr Finch is likeable because his true passion is feathers and yet he is being forced to produce the secret ingredient for a drink against his will. His ethics and his humanity are in conflict with his actions and his job and this is well drawn.

Point of View/Voice

I think it works well for this story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader

I found it very easy to read, your grammar, sentence structure and use of words is simple yet effective and I whizzed through the chapters.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Some suggestions below

Chapter 1
This wasn’t because of the topic
Should be
This was not because of the topic

or prove that is in fact true
Should be
or prove that it is in fact true

I didn’t join the herd
Should be
I did not join the herd
- better to use the two words rather than join them together unless it is dialogue when it is more acceptable

The bell rang and Mr Phipps knew it was going to be a lost cause now - take off the 'now'

Chapter 4
so I will turn it around ask you what do you think?” 
Should be
so I will turn it around and ask you what do you think?” 


Originality and Publishability
I don't think I have ever come across a book like it. very original and a lot of fun. My only comment would be the main story line is fantastical but you also have a lot of interesting facts throughout as well. you use this story to explore issues such as politics, religion, parenting, education etc. For your intended audience I am just wondering if they would have the understanding of what is based in fact and what is not. I am just wondering how this age group would differentiate between the fact and fiction. perhaps only the intended audience can answer that one.

otherwise, love the title and the story, would be interested to read more.

Six stars and will stay on my watch list for future shelf consideration.

Best Wishes
Annie

First line is killer. Concise writing. A wonderful story here.

What fun in chapter 5! I love the Irish Brogue thing, and the "Don't come running to me ... " remark. I did notice a couple of things that your spellcheck let get away from you. I hope you find the following comments more helpful that intrusive.

1) Several times where you meant to say "mums" (plural) you have "mum's" possessive. As in "There seems [should be seem?] to be a number of things that mums (not mum's) ... " or " ... but even mums [not mum's] burp .." and "Don't mums [not mum's] say daft things ..."

(in re the latter, my sister-in-law once said to her children, in all seriousness "If God had meant you to eat with your fingers, he wouldn't have invented forks." No reason for my including it here -- just wanted to share a smile.)

One other thing, maybe just a difference in colloquial usage. "I now had only one and [a] half weeks ..."

I'm anxious to get to the next chapter, but I promised myself I'd do some writing on the next two segments planned for "Riding in the Back Seat ... "

Mona

An intriguing pitch, which starts with a question – as all good books do. I can imagine a young boy asking their parents precisely the question as to where the dead birds go.
First line gripped me. Wherever I was it smelled of pee. This is pitch-perfect for your intended audience. You build the suspense well from here dragging us in and making us wonder where he’s ended up. This throws us straight into the heart of the story, which is great.
There are some great scenes in the classroom and some nice realistic touches especially about the work interfering with Mason’s two week holiday – I am sure there are plenty of people who can identify with that.
The first chapter brings us nicely full circle back to the beginning with the investigation of the Urban legend, which is an ideal lead into the next chapter. I think young kids will love this.
Also, I did spot a small typo ‘beside mw, instead of beside me’.
Shelved.

I've enjoyed my way through chapter 4 today. I continue to love the touch of humor in the style, plus the mystery. Will read on, but now I have to get about other business. Before I go, however, a couple of "word" comments.

1) From reading other comments I gather that you originally wrote this in the third person. I think that probably accounts for a couple of places where you said "he" or "his" where I would assume you would want "I" or "my." See, for example, chapter 3, paragraph 3, last line "... and put both his [my?] hands up. Again in chapter 3 (I'm not so precise about location here), "...so briefly that I wondered whether he [I?] had imagined it.

2) Unrelated to the first/third person thing, in chapter 4 (again, sorry, I'm not precise) "We're both only child's [?]

I look forward to finishing it.

Mona (Mrs. Job)

Review from the BHCG:
Love the title! I think children/young teens will be drawn in by the first sentence and will identify with the main character and the school situations. I can imagine my kids reading this. I also enjoyed the humour, though it's possible that some of the jokes – like the “listed buildings” – may go over kids' heads. However I think it's a strength when books can be read & appreciated on 2 levels & by adults & children alike. This also scores highly for originality and pacing. I also find that you are making me increasingly intrigued to discover what happens to all these birds!

Style, grammar, sentence structure mostly very good; use of imagery is good – I liked your surfboard analogy for the computer suite. Dialogue is convincing too – wooden or unconvincing dialogue is a pet bugbear of mine, & you made the grade!

I like the POV. The only confusion I had at first was that I thought from the style & vocab (eg. “figured out”) that Mason was American, until I rapidly hit words like “term”, “detention”, “trollies” etc & realised he was British & in a UK school. The confusion may be entirely mine, not yours, or may be explained by you being British, but living in Canada & perhaps using a mixture of terms.

I did notice several minor typos. e.g. Chapter 1: para 4: “mw” for me, para 9: missing word: “we all [knew?] what was coming next” & further on, “home economic”, not home economics. In chapter 2 when spotting the dead bird, there's one instance where you use “he” instead of I (I gather you recently changed from third to first person). None of these are major, but it would be worth cleaning up before an editor/publisher sees it.

I do think this is publishable and believe older children would read and enjoy it. I plan to read it all and to maybe ask my daughter (12) to have a read. I have backed it!

BHCG Review

Short pitch - good, intriguing.

Long Pitch - you lost me here. The beginning of your first paragraph is great - but I don't understand what the connection is between birds and cola. And I found the second paragraph a bit confusing - perhaps lay it out more carefully - or add another line about the cola obsession/fascination and why this is connected - not in such a way that you give anything away - but just to explain it a bit better in order to add to the intrigue.

Great first line! Funny.

I found the topic interesting but I felt that the pacing of the first chapter dragged quite a lot. There was perhaps a bit too much narration and not enough action or dialogue.

This reminded me a bit of the books "Encyclopedia Brown, Boy Detective" or the "Nate the Great" books - except what I felt it was missing was a bit of humor to lighten up the tone a bit.

Once I got used to the tone I really started to get into the story, but I did wonder if perhaps that would deter younger readers - the long narrative chapters and the slow pacing...

I also felt that the way in which the narrator speaks might be off-putting for the 11-13 year-old set. It just seemed a bit to mature on Mason's part and a bit too adult in tone.

The writing is excellent, don't get me wrong. And I found myself amused and curious and intrigued and I thought that the story had a good premise, but I am just doubting its suitability to the audience you are aiming for.

There are some very good bits - the second paragraph of chapter three I thought stood out as an excellent paragraph - like I said, it's not the writing or the subject matter - I'm just questioning the relevancy to your target audience.

All in all I enjoyed the read tremendously and perhaps with a bit of tweaking this could be spot on.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

I like Mason. I liked the part about Jehovah's Witnesses using their Bible for their purposes. I liked the story line so far. It has kept my interest. I also like the use of first person. I will read more later.

Very long but very gripping at the start, and enjoyable too, and the way you put it over to the reader, I could even smell that rancid stench of ... well, you know. I think I'll be smelling it all night to be honest; better break out the Chanel N0. 5 and douse myself.
Liked this very much,

Lisa. x

I'm not a fan of the first person, but commend you in using it. The paragraph that starts with: "Now some of you..." it takes me out of the person you want me to be. If you are going to use the first person, make me believe what your character believes.

"My school is a typical..." the wording is too passive. "It must have been designed by someone with a severe hay fever allergy" versus "It was built by someone with severe hay fever, the only explanation as to why one can hardly kick a ball around."

The dialogue is paced well but I think there is more telling than showing in this chapter and if writing in the first person, you need the latter.

I'll read more chapters soon. Thanks for directing me here.

Good stuff, I like what I have read so far. I look forward to reading the rest over the next several days. I would read it all now but I have to at least pretend that i am working and helping with the kids. Go figure!

Joey Karr
Experiences With The Master

Wow - I think the switch to first person makes the beginning much more readable and intimate. I am much more interested in finding out where Mason is and why he's with all these cats from this point of view. Well done.

~Audrey

I want to read your book, largely for selfish reasons. I've been told I should write for young adults. I don't know if this age range really qualifies, but I'm out to see what that looks like.

I really like your style. The delicately snarky humor feels to me just like what I would have heard from my son at that age. And I love the beginning, describing where he is with the cats and then taking us back to the beginning. I appreciate the clarity of what you say, and the really excellent writing. I also wish someone would give me that "urban legend" challenge. It sounds like fun. So, bottom line, I look forward to reading on.

Anyway, I only had time today to start it, so this is a response just to chapter one. Also, I can't help myself, but I do pick up on things like typos and related stuff, so I'm going to tell you what I noticed. If you'd rather I not do that when I read on, just tell me. I apologize that I didn't make note of the specific paragraphs that contained the bases of my comments. I hope I'll give you enough of a cue so you can find it yourself if you want to.

(1) Look at the sentence " ... put my hand down beside mw [typo - should be 'me') for confirmation."
(2) We were itching to get out of the door but we all [knew] what was coming next.
(3) I guess it's colloquial, but what is a "bit of a swot."
(4) Similarly, what is DIY?
(5) Where you talked about home economics the second time you used the word the "s" was left off of "economic[s].
(6) "Give over .... get away as we were. ["], the close quotation mark was left off. [By the way, "Give over" is a new expression to me -- keeps me awake.]

Now I'll grab a bite to eat. Let me know if you'd rather I not do this picky thing which is only possible when the writing is crisp and clear, like yours.

BHCG. Review.

A really unusal plot. I can imagine the story bringing out the investigative curiosity of many young boys.

The pace is a bit slow, but then you do a good job, informing the reader of Mason's home and school life.

Mason is a very likeable character. Maybe it would add something if you told the story from his point of view. Get inside the head of a twelve year old boy, so to speak.
Explain more, why Mason is so interested in this project. He dosen't sound like the class 'nerd' so he needs a reason for becoming so involved.
As for the scary bits, wonderful, most boys love this.

I think some sentences could be reworded to make them more clear.
EG; ( It smelled of pee, wherever he was.) I paused at those seven words, trying to work out what they ment.
If you're open to suggestion, I would rephrase with, ( He didn't know where he was, but the smell of pee was strong.) Something like that.

Writing style is good.

Some more direct dialogue between Mason and others would impress me.

I find this book quite origional, especially in it's plot.

I don't know much about the publishing side of children's fiction. Do boys still read books? My own two prefered playstation games!
But maybe there's hope with the e-marketing industry, which is growing pretty fast. They may not want to read paper books, but they just might like reading stories on one of those, I-pad thingys!

Best of luck anyway. You've got a good story going on.

Dear MP,
What a delightfully crafted story....draws the reader in with mystery and intrigue. Hope your book continues to rise in the charts!

Hi, MP; this is your BHCG and YARG review from Audrey. (I'm killing two birds....oh, nevermind.)

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I love the opening paragraph!!

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
The pacing is just right.

Characters/Characterization
I like Mason…..he’s curious but only about the things that interest him. Sounds like many boys I know.

Point of View/Voice
This is written in third-person limited POV. I think it’s not working well. I think it might be better to allow Mason to tell the story.

For example, first para of Chapter 2:
I’m twelve, and obviously I’ve known how to use the VCR my whole life. I could program it to record Mum’s programs when I was five. She’d call me and say, “Mason, it’s flashing noon again,” and I’d press the right buttons and clear it right up. When I was seven we got a remote, which is really cool, and I could program that as well. Mum also can’t find things on the internet like I can. She takes too long. And then she says there’s too much to read. She’d rather look at a book.

I’ll do most of my research for this project on the internet. That’s where all the information is. Going to the library and thumbing through books sounds boring. Mum would do it that way, but she’s old. Even the teachers at my school know the internet is better. They know that trying to stop kids from using technology is as ridiculous as King Cnute trying to stop the waves coming in. Instead of holding back the waves of progress, they’ve given us a surfboard: a suite of computers in the library. Now we don’t have a librarian any more. We just have a man who dusts the books.

OK. That was cheeky of me. I just thought I’d give it a try.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I don’t have any suggestions to address what I’m about to say, so feel free to disregard….but this story is crying out for a more charming, sweet voice. It’s told in a fairly flat tone. One way to make it more charming would be to allow Mason to narrate it so that we hear his thinking.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
It was pitch black…..weak. Mason opened his eyes but could not see. Mason saw nothing but inky blackness. Get rid of that ‘was’

He was swaying slightly…..weak. He sensed the swaying movements of a car or truck….or was it a van?

It was Mr. Phipps, his English teacher…..what about this: “Mr. Phipps, his English teacher, deserved the blame.

“It was rumoured….” How about this: “Kids whispered that….”

I’m going to cut the Hag off on the subject of action verbs. You get the idea.

Five minutes thought…..should be five minute’s thought….

Hopefully…..aiiiiieeeeeeee…It had to be inexpensive to research and with any luck there would be some sort of dramatic finale at the end of it. I bet you can make that even better. It had to be inexpensive to research, and he wanted it to have a dramatic finale at the end.

Manchester United is….but Liverpool are. Are you half American/half British? (That’s meant to be amusing. I’m not sure if it really is or not.)

Mason can program the video but programme the remote control.

Don’t need a comma after “Mum and Dad’s age.”

The family cat was lying on that baby’s face. Not laying.

Dialogue
Mr. Phipps talks at Mason. A teacher would be more likely to ask Mason some questions.

Can a kid really say the word “Utd?” I would think he would say “Man U.”

When Mason begins the dialog that starts with “Give over, will you?”…..I think he speaks for too long. Boys seldom spout more than one sentence at a time. (Complete sentences are rare.) I think his dad would need to prompt him a bit.

Originality
Who Killed Cock Robin? But that was about water pollution, so yours is still original.

Publishability
Kid books about boys are in high demand.

YARG

I like the pitch, I like the concept, I like the tone and I love the writing. The whole, seems real and alive to me and it's been a real pleasure to read. I haven't read it all yet and sometimes I like to read things more than once and ruminate before I give feedback, I hope that's okay, but so far, I'm really enjoying it. The characters stand apart, they are individual, they don't all sound the same which I find often happens when the ideas are strong but the rest can fall by the way side. I don't think that's happened here. Looking forward to reading more. Have starred you up and put you on my WL for now.

M
x