Hearts and Minds

Kelly,
Interesting beginning. After reading the first 3 chapters, here is my RCG review.
Cover - beautiful
Pitch - long and short were excellent.
Plot - Two men, one dark and handsome, one light and handsome - reminds me of the old gothic romances. I liked those.
Pacing - the storyline is developing fine, but the writing seems to include too many unimportant details. You also have a bad habit of her thinking something, then saying the same thing. if she thinks it don't have her say it or visa versa, and it should speed things up.
Spelling/Grammar - the British spelling got me, tyre for tire and pyjamas for pajamas, but I'm surely the only one. Not certain if the grammar I marked were errors, or again the differences in customary usage. Anyway, here they are.
Ch 1. omission - I his apartment building
Why are you sat here in the dark? sitting here
Ch.2 capitals -- my ancient fiesta - Fiesta
Ch. 3 redundant - I got up out of bed - I got up
word order - then he back turned to -- turned back to
her first visit for four years - in four years
Dialogue: Adequate. You need to punch it up to show her emotions, not try to tell us with adverb tags after she said. Often it seems meandering and repetitive. Tighten it up for more impact.
Voice/style: Adequate
Characterization: Good job on this. I liked Mum and Damien, the brothers were all introduced together so I don't have them sorted out yet. Dad was fine. Prefer Jamie, since he was so solicitous and helpful right away. Again, only met Justin but if none of the men in her family trust him, this should be enough to deter her. Glad you pointed out that this would only motivate her to see more of him.
Stevie seems very young to me, will need to read more.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Interesting beginning. Right away it starts into things.
It is slow paced even though she gets laid off.
It flows well.
I like your pitch and cover.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

RCG Review: Chapters 1-3 critiqued offline.

Overall evaluation:
Grammar/punctuation: Needs work. Run-on sentences with unrelated thoughts. Read aloud to find the natural spot where you take a breath. The period goes there.
The first chapter was better than the other two. There's a tendency toward run-on narrative: he did this, he did that... Vary the sentence structure. We don't need to know every step in a process. Fill in with sensory impressions, as if's, what if's.
Plot: my main concern is the lack of tension in the first three chapters. Losing a job, having the boyfriend bonking another guy is so 'eh' nowadays and even if geared toward YA, it's not nearly enough to catch a teen's fleeting interest. The dialog is strained, repetitive, too 'linear', too flat. It's all fixable. The potential with half-brothers in conflict at the end of C-3 perked me up considerably. However, if this gets to an editor's desk with only the first three chapters under consideration, it won't pass muster.
At 123K words, this is too long for most YA but with proper editing I'm confident this can be cut back considerably, with attendant improvement along the way.
Blurb: not enough quibbles to mention

I've read a few chapters and I must say I'm really impressed! I really enjoyed what I read and can't wait to read more. The main character is so realistic and makes the book what it is I think, she's the reason I carried on reading! On my WL and looking forward to reading more (highly rated)

HEARTS & MINDS
This is a story that should attract a large young adult audience as it has all the ingredients to which that age group can relate: a woman fired from her job and then finding her boyfriend isn’t who she thought he was all in the first chapter. You have a good main character in Stevie (altho I always find it confusing when characters have unisex names, but ok). I like her feistiness; be careful he anger at Gareth is not because he’s gay but because he wasn’t truthful with her (maybe disappointment rather than anger would be more socially correct in today’s world). Either way, this is a good read. Your writing style is easy and flowing and keeps this always moving. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Kelly

I really enjoyed the first three chapters that I read and would definitely like to read on when I find the time. Stevie is a likeable heroine that doesn't dwell too much on past ills but moves forward at every step. Jamie and Justin sound nice although two small criticisms here i) describe them in more detail! Bulging biceps, great teeth, broad shoulders, I want to fall in love/ lust with these guys and although they sound nice they've not fired up my loins. ii) Both male lead names starting with "J" could confuse some people. Some specific comments are as follows:

SP - Pretty much perfect

LP - The kind of thing I would pick up to read on holiday

CH1 - “At least my boyfriend Gareth” – I don’t feel you need to say “my boyfriend” given that you go on to explain that he complains about not being able to spend time together. The reader will get that you are talking about a boyfriend. Also, you go a lot into how he is a Christian and doesn’t want sex before marriage however I don’t think you need such a large build up – it’s horror enough when he is discovered in bed with another man!

At the end of the first chapter I really wasn’t sure how old Stevie was. The casual job and living with the parents suggests an older teenager whereas the boyfriend who has given her a key suggests an older woman. It could be helpful to define this.

CH2
“scared that it would blow up or something” – I don’t think you need the “or something” it seems to dumb it down a bit.

CH3 – “you’re stuff us up in the room” should be “your stuff”

The house sounds like some sort of mad harem or a tardis. It would be helpful to define the type and scale of the property that can fit so many people in it - is it a rambling country house/ extended farm cottage/ bunker etc etc.

Good work and best of luck in taking this further, Marns

An RWCG review

1) Pitch: I think you have changed these since the first time I did a read for you and they seem stronger now. If this was on a bookshelf, they would draw me to the book and get me to open the cover.

2) Plot/Pacing: For the review group I read all of chapters 4-11. The story has picked up and moved along now with the gang ever more menacing, and Stevie's angst about which brother to chose is very evident. Jamie's temper and the antagonism between the brothers is strong and suggestive of an undercurrent. I admit I don't like Justin, all the warnings about him, the way he is always conveniently there when she is most in need and the fact that he has moved in on Stevie so quickly all combine to make me suspicious of him, he appears manipulative. Jamie makes mistakes but that seems to be due to a hot temper rather than a conniving or bad streak in him.

3) Spelling/Grammar/Dialogue: I've grouped these three together as I made some notes whilst I read that al three points encompass:
In chapter four, 'Kate suddenly came stomping through the front door then,' I think the then is unnecessary as we know Kate's arrival is sudden.

Not so sure about this piece of dialogue in ch 6, Jamie has just asked Stevie to pretend she is his girlfriend as his ex-girlfriend is in the pub, 'I could see the girl he meant. She was extremely pretty; she was also glaring at me furiously. 'She doesn't look too happy.' She shouldn't have cheated on me then I wouldn't have dumped her,' Jamie muttered sourly. Dad mentioned that your last girlfriend cheated on you. Is that her?' 'Yeah,' he confirmed.'

In Jamie's dialogue I think you are missing a comma between me and then or between then and I. I understand you get Stevie to ask about the girl so that you can move to providing an explanation about Claire and Justin. I'm not sure Stevie would tell Jamie that her dad said that. I think she might avoid saying it in case he thought she was talking about him. We've already been told that the girl is his ex, Jamie says she cheated so Stevie's question seems out of place in the dialogue. Maybe she could make some sort of slip instead about how foolish the ex is - would show how much she likes Jamie but also carry the conversation forward?

In chapter eight, there is some repetition of sympathy/sympathetically and of 'at the moment'

I wasn't surprised that Stevie feels attracted to Justin but I did think that in chapter eight it was a bit soon for her to be thinking about replacing Jamie as he'd only gone the day before. It felt a little out of context that she should be wondering how long she was expected to wait, given that he had only just gone.

In chapter nine Charlie's amazing knack of finding bargains is repeated within two consecutive paragraphs.

in chapter ten she hits the floor and says, 'it didn't seem to hurt.' I think this would be stronger if you removed the seem - she fell so she would know if she felt pain or not, she wouldn't doubt whether or not she felt pain. In that paragraph (and in the chapter where Justin takes Stevie to the farm yard) you refer to the ground as the floor. This might be a personal thing but floor suggests an indoor surface to me.

'I could hear the gang jeering and laughing at me as they slowed down now I was no longer moving,' I think this is a bit wordy and loses some impact. Maybe something like, 'As I lay on the ground I could hear the gang jeering and laughing.'

'They had caught up with me now,' the now feels like present to me and if they are able to surround her the reader can tell they have caught up to her. You could jump straight into 'They surrounded me...' I don't know what the convention or correct form is, when writing in past tense, but words such as here, now and references to days as tomorrow or yesterday feel like they are moving me out of the past tense into present.

6) Voice/Style: first person POV and I didn't notice any slips from it. Stevie is a likeable MC whom a reader can connect with but I think you need to be a little careful of how quickly she falls for both brothers - falling too quickly for each of them could have a tendency to make her seem fickle.

We've spoken often about Hearts and Minds so you know that overall I think it's a good love tangle/triangle and that you have given me queries about which brother will turn out to be the bad guy. I'm looking forward to getting a stronger sense now of one of them holding a dark secret to get my nosey nature twitching to work that secret out.

RWCG - Hi Kel – I’m new to critiquing, so please bear with me. I read Chapters One and Two.
Pitch - I liked both your long and short pitch. It’s a definite romance when a woman has to choose between two lovers, especially when they are half brothers.
Plot & Pacing –I think you could condense the first and second chapters. Stevie loses her job, finds her boyfriend in bed with a man, breaks up with him and decides to visit with her dad and brothers in Cornwall could be written with a lot less dialogue and narrative. To me, the focus is to get her to Cornwall, not focus on the minute details of her day. For example, I would write:
“Stevie, the boss want to see you!” The voice of my colleagues floated across the dining area of Café Rouge where I worked.
I stopped wiping the table I was in the middle of clearing. I knew it wasn’t good news. My boss only spoke to employees in his office when they were about to be fired. Ten minutes later I was out the door with my wages and my P45 with little consolation knowing hat it wasn’t me but poor business that cost me my job.
Spelling and Grammar – There are a few typos and run on sentences. For example: “I wished she didn’t wear that old coat she has a fantastic slim figure and is about five foot six inches tall but with that coat on she looked short and fat.
Dialogue – needs to be tightened.
Voice/Style – Stevie is a likeable MC and I am looking forward to reading her story. I think it is difficult writing in the first person and I applaud your attempt to do so.
I realize that you have asked us to read chapters further on in the book, but I wanted to get the gist of your story before I read them. I am looking forward to seeing how your story has progressed.
Deb

Ok, here's my review even though I have only read through ch 14 and can't comment on the whole of the book yet (but I will be reading it as I just have to find out what happens! Who made that phone call? What's the murder case all about and is it related to anyone, such as Justin perhaps? Will she get back with Jamie after all as he is clearly the better man?) That already shows how intriguing your story is, how addictive!
You've got the talent for weaving a story, and I'm sure that with practice you can make your story come even more alive. Trust in your writing a little more as sometimes you over-explain things that are clear without telling the reader again. For example, you didn't need this: "Other than Charlie and Jamie, Justin was the only person I felt able to tell this. My mother didn't really count..."
Be careful about using the same word more than once in a sentence, or repeating it in the following sentence, and work on your word choices. Think about experimenting with the language a bit more and finding new and more exciting ways of describing your scenes, Stevie's thoughts, etc. Ok, from ch 6:
"I honestly couldn't see why people had a problem with Justin." I don't believe that as a reader since Jamie had already explained somewhat. She still doesn't fully understand, but she does know there are reasons in the past why several people are mistrustful of him, particularly Jamie. Maybe she needs to say something more on the lines of: "I wished I understood more about the history and why so many people had a problem with Justin. There must be more to the story than Jamie has told me."
This bit doesn't really make sense: "By the time I woke up next morning I forgot what the dream was about." But she just told us what it was about so she remembered!
When they go to find Jamie to talk to him(this may be ch 7, I forgot to note which chapter!) I didn't understand why they had to go there rather than just phoning him?
Ch8: silly typo: Alice immediately went and led down on the rug.
some punctuation errors, ie; I sat down on one of the chairs it was nice to be out of the rain.
I felt that Jamie's sudden reappearance and withdrawing his belief that Alex was the one who'd left the message was abrupt. The reader doesn't know the process he went through to change his mind.
Apart from already mentioned comments, I didn't make any further notes on the following chapters and I'm now on Ch 15, so nothing particularly troublesome! I can't wait to find out what happens next! Well done and I really hope my comments are helpful!

I was drawn to your books for a long time already because I absolutely adore your covers!!! They are stunning and would make me want to buy your books just for that alone.

I think that your strongest point is your convincing characterization and voice. I was drawn in by Stevie. I lived her right away. I believed her, I wanted to listen to her and I thought that she spoke in a very realistic yet somehow captivating voice.

The only thing that struck me as a bit problematic was that some of the dialogue was a bit cliche: specifically in two places. "You lying, cheating bastard" and "you can stick it where the sun don't shine" - that entire conversation between Gareth and Stevie came across to me as a bit unrealistic and trite.

But that was honestly the only thing that bothered me. Otherwise I read straight through without a snag. This is good stuff and I'd like to read on and find out what happens next.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Hi, Kel, I just noticed you've said you are hoping for a greater focus on chapters beyond the first three. Well, I've read thru to end ch 5 and I made a lot of notes but will leave out the beginnng chapters as per your request. I'm plannning to read on, as I'm really enjoying it, but will give you what I've got so far.
I think your voice is consistent and strong, a very likeable MC and very enjoyable read! The pace is good, too, with just enough surprises at the right moments to move the pace on when it starts to slow.
Just a couple of things in Ch 4- a silly typo: "...I wasn't expecting you see you yet."
Also just felt that we didn't get enough of Stevie's feelings when Gareth so unexpectedly appears at the pub in Cornwall. She says, 'Oh no...' but that isn't really strong enough given the feelings she'd experienced in finding him with a man and leaving him far behind, then suddenly there he is? Just think you can expand on that a little bit to make the drama of the situation come more alive.
Ch 5: another silly one, "....It was brilliant. I didn't."
It's a perfect escapist chick lit novel that I think will work brilliantly for the under 25s. I'm just a tiny bit older, not much, but I still like it a lot!
I'll continue to read and review...

Hi Kelly
You have a great pitch. Really made me want to jump in and read this. It's clear you've got a cracking story as well - I was instantly drawn into Stevie and her world. I felt the first chapter could be tightened a bit. The key action here is finding Gareth in bed with another man. A real shocker! I wonder if this might work better if you began with that scene and then we saw the rest in flashback, ie, as she's walking to her parents' - stunned - she thinks that today couldn't get any worse. First the job, now this. However, you may disagree and you could well be right! Either way, this is a great read and it will go on my shelf as soon as I can make space. I've only read the first two chapters but will try to read more as soon as I can. That pitch is intriguing!
Sheila

Hi Kelly, have started reading this evening. Firstly, catching the boyfriend in bed with another man was quite unexpected and certainly shook the storyline up at the right moment.
Your characters are instantly likeable which is the hardest bit too. I think others have commented on the adverbs - my suggestion is to change the first couple of chapters otherwise it will come up over and over again. For example
"Are we going in or not?" Alex asked impatiently.

"Are we going in or not?" Alex shivered, hopping from one foot to the other.

I had repetitive comments about exclamation marks and saying I am instead of I'm, after a while I found my writing style improved because I always had that in the back of my mind.

The main thing is everything is so likeable with your story and is enjoyable from the beginning. The catching boyfriend out bit prepares the reader to be prepared for the unexpected.
Fabulous!

You handle Stevie's anger and frustration very well. She doesn't seem to have anywhere to turn. It’s told at a breathtaking pace with a sense that something is going to happen, like when Stevie walks in on Gareth. Good suspense. The characters are sympathetic, real and likeable. I love the old Fiesta just making it into St Agnes before exploding, and Billy the horse is a great distraction when Justin arrives. Your style is clear, linear and refreshingly straightforward. Good luck with this. I'm backing it.

HEARTS & MINDS
I read the first three chapters. Well begun. Well written; simple and gentle flowing. I wont mind telling the truth: I wholeheartedly like it. Best wishes. Backed.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

i think youve got a really great idea for a story here. the two brothers, with one having such an intense secret, is very intriguing. oh and by the way, i absloutely love your cover- its just beautiful. youve got a really nice balance between description and dialogue and i also really like how you start off your book by her getting sacked immediately. one thing i think you could work on is your grammer. im not a fan of the brackets you have in the first chapter and i noticed a few little things that could use an edit. other than that, enjoyable read.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Hi Kelly,

Read through your first three chapters and this looks very promising. The opening chapter is a great introduction to Stevie. When life gives you lemons, it really gives them to you all at once...I couldn't help reading this with a knowing smile: heartbreak, getting cheated on, your world crumbling in a day - I've been there - and this is what I find appealing about Stevie, that I can relate to her and her situation.
I like the relationship she has with her family, particularly Damien and Charlie. It's rather heartwarming.

Sentence structure/ grammar-wise, there are a few areas where you can shorten or tighten. Also, watch out for your use of ' ; ' You use it quite a bit where a comma or a full stop would work just as well. Aside from that this was very enjoyable and it would be interesting to see the finished product once it's polished. Very enjoyable!

Fyn

Hi!
I just read your first chapter and I really liked it. This is usually not what I'm used to reading but you're such a good writer. Your vivid descriptions make it easy to visualize your settings and your characters are very believable with great easy to read dialogue. I feel bad for Stevie. Her whole life just comes tumbling down all in one chapter and in the most ironic way. Damien Is one of my favorite characters. He's very overprotective over his sister which makes him a very likable character. Honestly this is flawless, I'm not the best critique when it comes grammar but I know a good story when I see one. Six stars! Good luck with this :)

Hearts and Minds
Hi Kelbean
I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first two chapters of Hearts and Minds. Stevie is an engaging MC and I quickly got pulled into her story. Prose is clean and uncluttered, dialogue natural and believable. I can see this doing very well. And deserves to do so.
Kat xx

ch. 1, second sentence is a run-on sentence. Like the way it starts with dialogue, moves well at this point, slows later on with a long narrative section--infodump and too much tell, need more show. Paragraph where she's walking home, discussing her home life--"...to help towards the rent etc. (although they didn't ask for it) but now I wouldn't be able to." Don't do 'etc.' but something more like 'rent and utilities' and the sentence is another run-on. Eliminate the parenthesis and use commas. Damien and Darren--too similar, should consider a change to eliminate confusion. And you run into an inherent problem with first person--too much tell and too many sentences that start with 'I' -- you should never have two consecutive sentences or paragraphs that start with the same word. Makes it monotonous and reduces the impact of the writing. Do we need to know about Darren's job right at this point, or even at all? Several run-on sentences after she storms out of his apartment. 'I gulped, he sounded pretty firm.'--though short, another run-on.

ch. 2 'Now I was sat with Mom and Damien.'--either 'now I was sitting with' or 'I sat with Mom'. Had the same issue at the kitchen table in ch. 1. She's on the phone with Charlie then Alex is talking to her? Were they on speaker or did Alex take the phone away from him? 'Mum and Dad had then got divorced just a few months later.'--another verb tense issue, and don't use 'just'. "Mum and Dad got divorced a few months later." And then another infodump tell session. Again, do we need to know all this information at this point in the story? Is it required for the story to move forward, or can some of this be told later in small doses. "And Stevie, this is Jamie Havers, Kate's brother who also happens to be a very close friend of ours as well as one of my collegues."--awkward wording, doesn't sound like normal casual speech. And not 'I used to be a mechanic'--that's one of those 'once one, always one' so 'I used to work as a mechanic.'

Good story, characters are developing well. Need to edit and work on verb tense and run-on sentence issues. Good conversations, but too much infodump and tell in between those areas. Still, happy to back, can see promise with more edits.

Mary
Heartstrings Legacy--Choices Made

Hi there...Just stopped by as promised to read your first chapter..I like your writing style, your introduction and I think it flowed nicely. A few things you might want to consider are to try not to use "I" so much in the first several paragraphs...I think some editing would make your opening tighter and move more quickly. Also might want to edit the retelling of what happened with Darren- seemed a little repetive hearing it so many times.
I found it strange that she had not seen her father or brothers for years...perhaps the reason is given later, as well as the reason she had to look up her father's phone number? Just a few things that stood out to me. Your pitch is very interesting and I have a pretty good feeling this story really starts to take off when she moves:) I will try to read more later...just have so much to catch up on, and I haven't even finished mine! All the best, Ruby

So these comments are going to be over your first chapter. I'm relatively new to this so keeep that in mind and take what I saw with a grain of salt. Just do what rings true for you. Plus, I write for children so I'm commenting as a reader more so than a fellow author. Okay, so I have to applaud you on that hook! "I love you too much to stay away forever." My mind started racing, is she coming back will she really see her again, etc. My one thought for you is whether you have tossed around the idea of labeling this as chick lit? I haven't made it that far in but based off of your pitch, it seems that it could fit into that category as well(based off of the age of your characters, the love triangle, etc). Just some things to think about. I am giving you 5 stars because I think this is well written and will appeal to a wide range of audiences. Good luck with it!

Ashley

I like this, Kelbean. Too painful to type much more than that right now. But I'm hooked. Can't wait to find out what's in store for Stevie in Cornwall. I'll bet it's delightful, whatever it is :-) Backed with pleasure. JKinkade

Okay,
So I finished it this afternoon. Kept me reading. I had to know how this one ended. I wasn't disappointed. I think you have a real page turner here, with a bit of spit and polish this one will shine and be a winner I think.
Cheers for the read,
Jacoba
Will watchlist and hopefully give you some shelf time next month.

Hi Kelly,
I am really enjoying your story. I've read up to chapter five and I intend to keep going.
I've been reading a lot of romance lately on kindle to see what's out there in the market, and yours is certainly just as good if not better than what I've already read. I like the modern day romance and all the intrigue of family dramas. You have established your characters well and the plot is driven by the secrets between Jamie and Justin. Certainly enough hooks to keep my interest. I will be reading on, but wanted to stop and offer you some comments first.
These are just my thoughts as a reader, I'm no expert so take what I say with a grain as always with any comment.
Firstly I was thinking that your first chapter drags a bit. I stuck with it, because I liked your pitch, but you may find other readers wavering, many on this site only read the first chapter so its something to bear in mind.
I wonder if you could start the story with Stevie walking toward Darren's apartment lamenting about losing her job and pushing past people with the thought that on a good day she normally let them pass but not today.
Then finding Darren in a not so favourable position. Just a thought.
I'd also get her to Cornwall and meeting Jamie and Justin quicker. Rather than packing, getting a flat tyre, etc...
I didn't see how all that fit into the plot really.
Okay, as I said this is just my own opinion, but I really like your story and I could see it doing well with some cropping here and there.
I did some line edits as well, I chose chapter five as you will probably get lots of feedback on the first few chapters.
Once again all these are suggestions, but I do think the narrative is overly wordy and needs tightening. I didn't pick up everything, but enough, to give you an idea of where you could keep cropping. Particularly with words, like 'that', 'had', and 'was' etc.
I've done this on my own work, and I'm still doing it. But I really think it does make the narrative flow better, and keeps the reader moving forward with your story.
So here are the suggestions for change. I will comment again when I've read more, but only on the story.
Hope this is of some use to you.
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter five

I watched rather than helped as she mucked out the stables....
...Charlie showed me this morning.' ( I'd leave off the dialogue tag here. There is only the two of them so the reader knows who's answering the question)
...she still looked doubtful but handed me his headcollar and carrot. ( to tighten)
...walking out of the barn toward the fields. ( to tighten)
I was nervous attempting this by myself, but I liked Billy and was determined to try. I felt disheartened because as soon as we arrived, Jamie disappeared toward the farmhouse and hadn't come back since. ( to tighten)
Billy stood there waiting to come in. ( to tighten)
..the way Charlie had shown me earlier. ( take out that)
There, that looks right, I walked forward and led him out the gate. ( to tighten)
I hoped someone would catch him...( take out that)
I looked up as Jamie ran up the path toward us. ( replace was running)
Justin stills stood where I'd fallen earlier. ( replace was standing)
relieved he didn't seem angry. ( take out that and by my nosiness)
You use 'was standing' a lot. Perhaps for this sentence you could say. Jamie leaned in the doorway of the barn chatting...
I didn't recognise the jealous feeling that flared inside me. ( to tighten)
"What's your problem with him?" ( use a contraction here)
..his voice actually shook with anger ( replace was shaking)
I'd almost forgotten I still had hold of the little pony. ( take out that and was)
I really didn't feel like going out anywhere, I still worried Darre might be lurking around. ( to tighten)
...about the way I spoke to Jamie earlier. ( take out had)
I applied a thin layer of foundation and a smear of lip gloss. ( rather than put on some simple make up. Shows more detail about her character sometimes if you include finer details. I made up what make up she would use, but you get the idea)
Feeling good about wearing clothes I never usually wore. ( Just a suggestion of instead of It was nice to be wearing...)
Kate didn't have a spare jacket that fit, so I was freezing by the time we arrived at the pub. The cold wind blowing off the coast made the chill factor even worse. ( suggested change)
Darren always said. ( take out had)
Right after my mother gave birth to Kate ( suggested change)
...the whole time I spoke. ( to tighten)
I bit my lip, disappointed, I was certain he was about to kiss me. ( to tighten)
she snapped, her voice icy. ( not sure voice like ice works.)
Claire's body language suggested she wanted a fight. ( to tighten)
Jamie looked as annoyed as I was. ( to tighten)

Hi Kelly

I've only read the first chapter so far, so not enough to comment on pace, structure etc.

I just wanted to give you my thoughts on the opening chapter. I'm no grammar expert so don't normally comment on it but in this case I did want to point out that there are a lot of adjectives. The ly words are frequent enough that they stood out to me. They are a debatable issue but you will find some people tune out if they come across a lot of them.

I also noticed a few changes in tense.

I would like to understand why Stevie hasn't seen her father and brothers in so long. She doesn't seem to have much contact with them, even having to look up her father's phone number. This is only the first chapter so I appreciate that may get explained further in. My other question is why Darren got involved with her at all? Does he feel the need to hide the fact he is gay with a hetrosexual relationship? I feel that I need to know more about what has happened between Stevie and Darren.

Hey guys, can see exactly what you mean! Critism is really helpful, thanks.
Yeah Tammy's comments gave me a bit more confidence.

Kris - thanks sooo much for your lovely comment! Really means a lot to be called talented!

Well, this is interesting. I read your first page, and was about to get a cup of cocoa, and then...I kept on reading. Yes, there are some grammar hurdles on that first page (your first para particularly - how about "Stevie, the boss wants to see you!" The voice of one of my colleagues (whose name I didn't know) floated across the lobby of Cafe Rouge, where I worked, and I stopped wiping the table."), BUT past that first page, the crisp, clear dialogue, the well-crafted narrative, and the easy, conversational style of writing made for very engaging reading. One suggestion, though - I would change 'Damien' to a different name (it's too similar to 'Darren'!) to avoid confusion.

I'm high-starring this for promise, and for good story-telling.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

p.s. it didn't bother me that she didn't know Darren was gay. She sounds a traditional sort, and a "few months" of friendhip without sex is not unreasonable.

Hi Kelly,

Very brave of you to brave the forum! That really can be a lion's den...but it got my attention, and the lovely Tammy's (Kiwigirl's) too. So keep posting!

Before diving into your first chapter, can I make two tiny suggests to your pitches? First, the short one. You don't, IMHO, need "mutually". If the two brothers hate each other, that's already mutual! Second, in the long pitch, try 'Twenty-year-old' instead of '20'. The rest of the pitch is great!

Okay...now to read...

First book? You have alot of raw talent! Watchlisted!

Kris
Killing Death

Hi Kelly (I’m assuming it’s Kelly from Kelbean? – sorry if I’m wrong) :-)

Short pitch and long pitch are both great, the create just enough intrigue to make you want to read. There is a spelling mistake in the long pitch though (doesn’t).
Story idea is a good one, I have only read chapter one for now but you are talented and I do want to read on, especially to where she meets the half brothers. I like your easy style.
I hope you don’t mind me pointing out a few words I think are unnecessary

I grimaced and put the cloth I was using down on the table and I headed out the back of the cafe where the boss... – I don’t think you need the third ‘I’. Leave it as – I grimaced and put the cloth I was using down on the table and headed out the back...

I knew there were at least five other people there who were much worse than me – I don’t know why, but to me the second there jarred. I would just leave it as – I knew there were at least five other people who were much worse than me. – we already know where she is and what she’s talking about, so I think the second there is just surplus.

I just had just opened the door to open it - ?

I then picked up my handbag, stuffed the envelope he’d handed me into it and then I stormed out of the cafe – again you use a word twice in quick succession. I would take out the first ‘then’ – leave it as ‘I picked up my handbag, stuffed the envelope he’d given me into it and stormed out of the cafe’ ok so I just realised I wrote that without using the word ‘then’ at all. See what you think? Feel free to disregard any of my advice. I’m hardly a professional!

I then span around – I think this should be spun?

You switch tenses a few times – like here, ‘Mum and Damien weren’t home when I got there which is probably a good thing’. This should either be ‘aren’t home, get there and is probably’ or “weren’t home, got there and was probably’ – hope that makes sense. It's something I was very guilty of as well and didn't realise until it was pointed out to me.

“I don’t honestly know” I admitted. “To be honest” - get rid of one of these honests.

I enjoyed reading this. After a while I just got lost in the story. One thing I did wonder though was whether she really would have not been suspicious about Darren after dating for nearly a year. I think that if a guy didn’t kiss or want to have sex with me after that long I would definitely be thinking something was up!

Well done on this, it’s well written, just needs a little polishing. I have starred you.

Tammy Robinson
Charlie and Pearl