Prophecy of Power

Hello Chris,


You crafted this story so well that readers who do consider this their regular genre would be compelled to read it once they read the pitch and the opening chapter. You shone in your style of writing and the plot. The characters are well observed You were so brilliant in presenting dialogue and narrative that it was effortless completing the first three chapters. Overall, you have written a smooth flowing story that has what it takes to get to the top.

Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Happy to back such a great book. Keep up the good work. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hi Chris,
this is a very good story and you do a good job of making it entertaining for your readers. A swift pace and fine opening and the charcters are well described.
I can't add much to the comments you've already received, but I was happy to back this.
best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Welcome aboard, Chris. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Also end it with a succinct question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You've got something here that will appeal to not only fans of this genre but anyone who is interested in reading a well written and entertaining book. I really liked this! The writing style is very polished and you know how to draw on the suspense. I think you're a very talented writer and I've become very involved in this story. No info dumps or unnecessary writing anywhere in the first three chapters, a well done piece of work.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This reads very well with the mystery of the mysterious person keeping the reader hooked and setting a reason for the characters to go on. The battle is well describede and the imagery is first rate. The writing flows easily and sweeps you right up. Excellent.

POWER OF AGES
This is a good story. You have a good character in Carolyn; she’s both feisty and likable and becomes very sympathetic when she realizes she is caught up in a situation way over her head (we all can relate to that). You’ve obviously spent a lot of time designing this imaginary world because you describe your characters and their settings down to fine details. That detail makes this come alive and also make it easy for a reader to forget this isn’t real. A good read, I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

chapters 1 to 3. This made for a good read. I liked the characters of Elias and Allyn and the way you describe Elias' moment of foresight. You are building this up very well. Not too sure of the name Caroline, it does not seem as exotic in the context as the other names - but just IMO. Dialogue is good and convinces. The attitudes of the races towards each other also comes across as authentic. Did not notice any glaring typos etc. A story after my own heart - starts with a cliff scene, moves onto a prophetic vision and then into a quest!
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

A very smooth style, a picture painted a la Michael Moorcock. Backed.

The pitch drew me in, and it is beautifully written--Stylish

The short and snappy dialogue helped the pace

Otherwise Interesting story--Best of luck

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I must say that I very much enjoyed reading what you have here, and would definitely buy the book if I saw it on the shelves. The fantasy setting is unique enough that it doesn't feel like reading another Tolkien fest, which is a big plus in my opinion. The action is well described, the characters are distinctive, though I would say they seem to adapt very well to the situation given their rather sheltered upbringing.

My only criticism is that there doesn't seem to be much of the over story contained within this sample, but that's more a personal regret than a problem with the prose ;)

Hi,
This is a very enjoyable read. When I was a teenager (1880s) it would have been exactly the kind of book that would have had me spell-bound.
The characters are clearly shown, the dialogue handled perfectly and the story thrilling without being silly.
The battle scene could be faster. Shorter sentences and more choreography of the participants would be better. How did the battle smell? Did axemen just die or can you describe how they died and what the watchers understood them to feel.
Not criticism only a suggestion.
This is a very well-written story, the pace is good and I have shelved it unhesitatingly.
Best,
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

Hello Chris,


You crafted this story so well that readers who do consider this their regular genre would be compelled to read it once they read the pitch and the opening chapter. You shone in your style of writing and the plot. The characters are well observed You were so brilliant in presenting dialogue and narrative that it was effortless completing the first three chapters. Overall, you have written a smooth flowing story that has what it takes to get to the top.

Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Chris

Great premise and pitch.
You know, this is so easy to slip into. You have an effortless voice in your prose and I was absorbed in your story, I just read on and on…

In this genre it is very common to make the mistake of pushing too many new names etc on the reader, but you do a grand job of dropping us straight into the story without overwhelming us.
This is exciting stuff.
I do want to know Elias better. I want to get inside his head and see and feel this world through him. But I guess I’ll find more of this when I come back for more.

I think you have a really good thing going on here and after reading a few chapters I’ve marked this to return to at a later date.

Until then, shelved with my best wishes,
David
Green Ore

This is very well written, you’ve got an interesting plot and it moves very well (read Ch 1 to 3).

You build the scene very well without making it too long on the opening and the POVs are strong and clear.

Great description in the para starting: “Lightning flickered to the north…”

The description of the visions and how they take over him is also very good.

Ch 2: “as fear finally pentrated” thought this was a little redundant as we already know she’s scared at this time. Maybe a “show” of her fear: heart racing, blood pumping, hands shaking would work better?
(But in all honesty, I had to look for a nit pick, the writing is really good, lol)

Ch3. Still good description of the battle scene and tension with Allyn wanting to go closer.

Shelved and good luck
Dania (The It! refugee)

You do a great job of handling the fantasy genre with such eloquence and style, which is difficult to do. You incorporate all the necessary elements of horror and human flaws in a timely fashion, and the building of suspense can be felt early in the book, which grabs the reader. You have a great imagination that you can skillfully evoke in your story, and that impresses me as well. And I am one who relishes humanity and the imagination that consumes it. Glad to back your book.

Still on my shelf. What a read. Various fully imagined worlds.
Sympathetic characters. Clever hooks pulling me on!

suggestions.
I thought Elias was a girl at first.
Maybe a bit more action in the first chapter?

Very enjoyable. Best luck with it..............Mikey

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

Hey Chris :-)

I am enjoying this a lot, have read to chapter 4 today and I like your approach to the genre!
Wonderful writing, excellent pace and you kept me hooked, ensuring I read on which is a very good thing.
The anticipation of the story comes across very well, this is compelling and pretty commercial - YA readers would lap up this story due to the subject matter. Elias is a fantastic character, well rounded and jumps off the page. I have no nits with your dialogue or sentence structure...you wright very well. Great cross-genre read, vivid and exciting.

You have my backing - I wish you the best of luck with this! Glad I came for the swap read.
Melanie x

Hi Chris, I think that this is really good. I find it interesting that Elias is part human, part dog and part bird. And I like the plot so far: it's caught my interest: who is the powerful, untrained magician in the party? Also, you've described the forest so that I can imagine it.
My only slight issue is with "unnatural energy" and "magical net". Do you mean energy that cancels out other energy? How can energy be unnatural.
Anyway, otherwise, really great!

Thank you, Patricia (Godmother's Wand)

Oh I do like a well written fantasy. You took me to another world which was exciting and dangerous. The dynamics between Elias and Allyn was great. I loved the way Elias gripped. Will read more but backed for now. C.P

This is a great read, Chris. It's fantasy the way I like it. Strong characterisation within a taut storyline. I immediately knew I would like this from the first paragraph. You have intrigue, danger, no-messing-about action and the slight hint of a fabulous being. Well done. I'm not one to care much what goes on at court with kings and queens et al in fantasy. I want them all to be out there, doing things. Just as you have here. I have nothing to criticise. You have obviously spent a great deal of time honing this to your own voice. Shelved, Scott.

Chris, this gets off to a cracking start and continues. One of the action junkies here I think. I enjoyed the chapters I read and it's good enough in my mind to give it a spin on my shelf. A couple of things though might improve it.
Dialogue and action. At one point in chapter 1 you have:

Elias didn’t like to consider the consequences of either. DIALOGUE.
Allyn waved the remark away. DIALOGUE.
At Elias’s look of surprise a half smile played across Allyn’s lips. DIALOGUE.
Allyn’s ears lifted in curiosity. DIALOGUE.
Elias felt his chest constrict at Allyn’s insight. DIALOGUE.
Allyn held up his hand. DIALOGUE.

The best advice I’ve found on mixing dialogue and action comes from Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, by Renni Browne and Dave King. I quote: ‘use beats (little bits of action interspersed through a scene) to vary the rhythm of your dialogue . . . good dialogue has an ebb and flow to it. Where you want the tension high, pare the beats down to a bare minimum.’ This last piece of advice might work in your fight scenes of chapters 2/3?

An awkward sentence:

A man ran through a clearing without pause, trying to stay hidden in chain mail armour and a plain white tabard.

Perhaps, A man ran through a clearing. Dressed in chain mail armour and a plain white tabard, it appeared he did not want to be seen.

Best of luck with this. Chris James (Stoneblade)

There is an interesting dynamic in the first chapter. You have the POV coming from Elias, the student. And then there is Allyn, the mentor. Only I'm not sure that I trust this mentor. There is an odd mix of humans, Gods, prophocies that made me curious enough to read chapter two. Here we switch POV to Caroline. And the conflicts begin as the Axe-Men cometh. Well done. KJ

Chris,
This is a compelling story and your writing is far above average for this genre. I like this story. You have a lot of tension and drama here, and it starts quickly with Elias in chapter one. Your lines are descriptive and to the point, such as, "They ran fast and quiet despite their burdens, and left no tracks a human could find."
I'm backing.
Nice work.
Mark

Dear Chris, The excitement starts with the first paragraph and doesn’t let up: I’ve read four chapters so far, and I see from your pitch that the adventure has just begun. The battle scene in particular is extremely gripping: thrilling, frightening, almost balletic at times, and what’s quite amazing is that, though it’s long, the pace never slackens—indeed, whenever it seems the fighting might be over, there’s a surprising resurgence.

Elias and Allyn are both fascinating, the former especially sympathetic because of his occasional bumbling: his vision—the word doesn’t do it justice—is wonderfully vivid, and I admire how, while creating such striking images, you also introduce a number of fascinating elements central to your story. You have a great knack for making the unfamiliar and even the incredible seem completely real: if there are sorcerers in this book, there’s also a sorcerer behind it.

If all writers had your imagination and skill, everybody would be reading: film and video would be a disappointing second best. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Hi Chris- I like this. It's tightly written, and has some good concepts like the magical net.

It strikes me that you are telling this with a very visual bias - it's mostly about what Elias sees. That's OK and helps define his character and his point of view, but it might benefit from a line or two about sounds, smells, etc. to broaden the appeal. For example, the burnt tree surely smells pretty strongly, and the stench would be in his nostrils as he woke. Also you could put more emphasis on Allyn as a listener as a contrast - I notice his ears lift in curiosity at one point, so maybe you're already on that track?

I think it's well worth some more reading, and a turn on the shelf.

Cheers
Bill

The atmosphere is great, I can feel myself there in the chilly wind. I like how Elias starts off on the cliff's edge- lots of tension there! I like the contrast of Elias against his finely-made teacher Allyn. Backed!

I'm hooked, which means you're shelved.

I'm hooked because your characterizations are good, you describe setting details very well, your writing doesn't distract from the story, and I'm a sucker for humans (Princess Caroline) with special powers.

I do have a personal nit...for some reason, I dislike the word 'gasp.' You use it three times in your opening chapter (i.e., unwitting word repetitions...oh, how they haunt us), but I'd get rid of it completely because it always feels melodramatic to me. Just me, perhaps.

Structurally, I think you can improve the opening by giving us a better idea of Elias' goal nearer the beginning. Kurt Vonneghut Jr. says that for a scene to be compelling, the character must have a goal, even if it's just a glass of water. Here, the goal is to meet with Dobbin, but the goal is delayed (i.e., there's an obstacle to the goal) by Elias running into the group below. Just a thought.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (please comment on mine when you have time...backing optional)

Chris,

I started reading this and quickly realized I’d read it before, some months ago. I reread it anyway, as I don’t think I backed it at the time (if I remember correctly, I was waiting to read more). I don’t know what I was thinking back then. On rereading, I immediately realized I’d gladly buy this book and lose myself in it.

~Steve

Comments on Chapter 1...

A nice beginning, slowly introducing your world and its features. I had trouble picking up that Elias was an 'izzat' (an elf by any other name...) until you mentioned the "young izzat" towards the end. I also couldn't quite figure out whether Allyn was another izzat or not.

Chapter 2...

Princess Caroline... I keep picturing the princess in Monaco!

Not sure you can "impale" yourself on a axe-head (maybe a spear-head would work better).

"...suddenly miserable." Wouldn't she be more afraid of getting killed than worrying about a bit of rain on her head and clothes?

An exciting battle, and a good hook at the end.

Chapter 3...

Good stuff here. The shape of the battle is a little confusing at times, trying to work out which circle of men is which, and who is doing what, so be clear in your mind (maybe put it down on paper or in a model, somehow).

Whoa! An armour-piercing arrow. Any chance the shaft might snap going through the first or second body, or is the ghost wood super tough?

On a technical note, a lot of your sentences follow this structure.

They have two clauses, but they tend to use a "but" in the middle. Hard to avoid, but (ha ha!) perhaps you can alternate the odd "yet" or "though" for variety?

On the whole, I rather enjoyed your opening. Time precludes me from reading further, but I'm more than happy to give you a run on my shelf.

If you get time, i'd love you to take a look at one of mine, but no obligation.

Regards,

TomW

Dear Chris,

Not every fantasy has werewolves, sorcerers and princesses!

It's always a special challenge of fantasy to create a believable universe with its own rules, environment, ethos. You've done it – congrats.

Changing POVs poses its challenges, but you've risen to the occasion admirably.

Fascinating characters, fundamental conflict, the action coming at a good clip, never letting up. Shelved.

Hi Chris,

The cover first attracted me to this book, but it was the premise that intrigued me and made me want to read on.

“…This will on take (an) hour or two.”

Great opening, right into the action and I was pulled in immediately. The writing is tight; the sentence structure is accurate and the pacing is just right. The story flows with great ease.

Wonderful imagery, I could picture every scene. This is the type of fantasy I love to read.
Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I want a copy of this one for my shelf! This is right up my alley, love it, backed. Stacey

Highly commercial fantasy with strong characterisation and skillful world building. There is a huge market for well written fantasy and this is certainly very well written. Your descriptions are vivid and filmic but never over done and I was lost in your world from page one. Shelved with great pleasure,

I really loved this story. I like the flipping of pov every other chapter, and glad to see that works for you. I hope I can do the same with mine :-) It flowed very smoothly and I liked the world you created with the suspense making me want to read more and more. I noticed a few typos as I read, but I'm sorry I just wanted to keep reading so I didn't write them down, haha...I know that's a very annoying observation when I don't give exacts, but I didn't think it took away from my reading experience. The fighting scene's were hard for me to visualize, but that could just be me. Anyway, I thought this was a great read so far and I am sure it will do well! I'll be reading more soon, I already made it to chapter 7 :-)
Good Luck!
Rachel

Hi Chris,

You've got great world building and excellent characterization. Your scenes play out well and I was drawn in and held.

An enjoyable read well worth a backing. Best of luck with this.

Heidi
Turning Red

I didn’t have to get very far into this before I knew I’d back it. Fantasy’s not my preferred genre, but I’ve read a lot of it on this site because I think it’s irrelevant what genre your cup of tea is. The fundamentals of good fiction-writing remain constant across genres. characterisation, scene-setting, dialogue, writing. You do all these things very well indeed.

We get a really good clear of scene right at the start of chapter one: mounted humans, about a mile away, way below the protagonist. Then Elias has his disturbing vision, again very well described, although it’s much more difficult to portray something this complex, and finally the tetchy relationship between Elias and his teacher Allyn. And there’s a mystery at the heart of the chapter that makes the reader just want to keep going.

Full marks for this, Chris. I usually end my comments with a tactful (hopefully!) remark on weaknesses, but here I didn’t find anything. This deserves to go all the way. Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Hello, Fandelion - as promised, old stick. This was a great opening. Haven't read much fantasy in a while. If you get the chance, check out Gina Adams stuff on here (tadghfan is her username, I think). Mention that I sent you over - she's a doll. Here are my random thoughts:

- in your pitch: "trilogy[,] chronicling": need comma;
- "wing-buds": nice reference. Settles me in your world early on;
- whipping of the cloak. Twice in a few paras - too good to dilute like that, old chap. Delete one, I think;
- "red[-]headed": think I'd drop a hyphen in there;
- "wyverns": cracking word. You get a shelf for this alone;
- "by the wind[,] he felt": need comma;
- "human[,] despite": ditto.

Otherwise, great stuff, sir, and worth a spell on the shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

This is good stuff Chris. Kept me hooked and so I enjoyed the escape!
Looking forward to reading more.

Chris,
So many stories with vampires on the site, surprised there are not more with werewolves. This is good. Wonderful introduction with Elias in the beginning, good introduction of Caroline in chapter two with a truly ferocious battle. Very well done.
Only two quibbles. Elias seemed to have phenomenal eyesight, to see such detail so far away. It is presented a little too matter-of-factly, I think.
Also, he seems a bit disrepectful of Allyn at times, more so than I might expect.
Other than that, well done, and on my shelf.
Jeff

This is good fun on a well worn theme. A very popular theme though - shelved
I couldn't spot any flaws, though izzen might be captitalised.
Cheers
John

It's done! I've backed ya! Great work. Gets the mind going and the blood boiling. Made me wonder, and I do like that. An exciting place to be, this world of yours. You're vivid, Chris. Yep, that's it ... vivid!

You will keep writing, won't you. The trilogy? Yes please, you must!

James

Dear Chris,


Ha, ha. I was a bit worried when I glimpsed the books you read. But then I saw Clan of the Cave Bear. Jean Auel overwrites and should have edited her stuff by about 30%, but I have read all five books once and then reread the first four twice more. Not enthusiastic about Shelters of Stone. Too much more of the same when she had a lot of opportunity for further development. But nevertheless, a great story teller.

This reads well, but I do have a suggestion. When you open the novel, I would like to get closer to your protagonist. You keep him a bit at arms length via the narrator and I’m only seeing him from a distance. Could we not get inside his head by hearing him muttering to himself? Confirming for us what he’s watching below? The shock of nearly being blown off the cliff? His reaction to the soldiers nearly 2000 yards away?

This would be a perfect way of exposing his character and other attributes you want the reader to understand. This would move you away from narrative story telling into character driven story telling.

A piece of cake to manipulate this and a ploy which you could use throughout. Maybe a sacre bleu when he’s really exasperated about something. His mutterings might be amusing sometimes and gain warmth for him.

Power of Ages is on my revolving bookshelf in the meantime.

Go well with your work. It ain’t easy, is it? I struggle with rewrites.


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

Hi there,
I think I scanned this once before, I 'm glad to have come back. You create a really good atmosphere and I was sucked into the story. This is well written, you have a strong narrative voice and the dialogue is real and convincing. This has the edginess of a horror too, a creepy feeling at times. I will try to read more but in the meanwhile, it's on my revolving shelf!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

This is awesome. I love this type of literature and yours is excellently written, the dialogue is smooth and believable, the action flows nicely and the mystery keeps you reading. Well done. Backed.
Rebecca

This is extremely well written and transports the reader into a fantasy world. I didn't spot any typos, either! I can visualise this on the big screen. Watch this space! On my shelf.
Cheers,
Lizzie C

Hi Chris... Love this story. It's really hard to "put down" so to say. It's very LOTRish with it's own element. It moves and keeps you guessing, wondering what the heck all the creatures and Quala Umitha is. My only issue is, and it might be me, but I couldn't follow the bad guys vs. the good guys in the fight. I'm going to reread it and see if I can't maybe get my mind around it now that I know what the izzats, and other things are. But it's a great story and nothing stood out, maybe a few typos. I do like the clarification in Elias' POV that shows what's happening. Very helpful for rock readers like me. Shelved... can't wait to read more.

Brenda

Hi Chris.

I'm very sorry It's taken me a while to look at 'Power of Ages.' I think this is a very fine piece of writing that wouldn't be at all out of place on the bookshelves in the shops alongside Tolkien and Donaldson. Happy to back it, Chris.

Best wishes.

Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

Gotta admit it was a real pleasure to escape into Allyn and Elias' world for a spell this morning. Sometimes out an' out fantasy adventure is just what the doctor ordered and you certainly deliver that. In fact you've done a tricky thing in that you give us a battle scene and use it to let us get to know our main characters such as Allyn, Elias, Caroline and Bastion. Nice work here.