The Violet Capsule

If you are reading this on 1st Sept 2011 onwards, this is the second draft after reading all the comments below..

Hi Ellen,
I have read all of what is posted here and think this piece shows great promise. As others have mentioned, you need to have a look at the tenses here and there, but I feel with an edit, this could go far.
The story is interesting and certainly had enough mystery to keep me turning the pages. Great title also, certainly one that stands out. Now you need to go get yourself a nice cover!

I would like to read more and hope you post some soon. I am happy to keep this on my WL and give it another spin on my shelf sometime soon.
Until then I have given high stars and wish you all the best!

Simon,
Yuko Zen Is Somewhere Else.

Hi. This story has drama, mystery, and adventure. It starts I think well with the Natasha's interview with Murad. The interview allows the reader information and background while at the same introducing characters and the drama. From a believability standpoint, I wonder if not spending some more time on Bard's grief over Natasha's death would be more appropriate. After all this is a woman whom he loves deeply and she is suddenly taken from him. Also, one point that you may not have considered is that this part of the world, Singapore and Malaysia, is a part of the world that many english speakers (your readers) are not familiar with and are interested in knowing about. I notice you took a little time to describe Rafeal's mansion and its dfferent Asian inflluenced aspects. More of this type of thing would add flavor and wieght to the story.

You are off and running with this story, but you are running in work boots becuase of some grammar problems. Don't feel discouraged, John Lennon wrote, "I tried to run before I could walk" - most of us do. By now you have been told your writing has problems in tense and agreement. You have good instincts as a writer, you know when a short description is called for and when the story line should be advanced, but you have to get tense right or folks will complain. It will take some work. Is it worth it. I think for you it is. (Have fun with it by the way, don't stress over it. It will be over sooner than you think) You have the skill and the desire to write. A study of tense and aggreement will give you the last key you need to the english language and you will then know it better than most. Listening to how people phrase while speaking also will help your dialogue. Remember people most often speak differently than they write.

I will give you good stars and keep you on my watch list. If you want me to clarify my comments feel free to message me. If you want me to read something else let me know, if I have the time I will. Best wishes.

This begins with a nice mystery. Their conversation made me curious as to why Akbar passed up the case. I'm also interested to see why Murad is afraid for his family. There's a nice backstory being built here that I look forward to learning about. I also like the fact you avoid infodumps to build this backstory.

There's definitely a very intriguing story behind this. In the flashback, Akbar clearly cares about the case, yet he's passing it along. Is he in danger? I'm curious. That's good!

Natasha is a relatable character, walking into an unknown, likely dangerous situation. Good job developing her through the conflict.

Suggestions: The main issue I had was the switch between tenses. For example, your first sentence is past tense (waited), the next two sentences are present tense (are, lifts), and then you switch back to past tense (smiled). You then proceed to switch back and forth throughout the opening chapter. It is imperative to stay in the right tense. I'd also comb through this and consider cutting some of your dialogue tags. A tag is intended to indicate speaker, and when there are only two speakers, it's pretty easy to follow who is saying what. At times, the dialogue doesn't feel very realistic. I recommend trying to capture how people really talk. Short, fragmented sentences tend to be used rather than lengthy paragraphs. Is there a stronger way to begin this? While I was curious about Murad's family and Akbar's decision, that was the only real conflict I saw. Is there a way to grab your reader's attention sooner? When you change scenes for the first time, you recap what we've already learned from the opening scene. It's not necessary. You've already done a great job of developing this information through Natasha's dialogue with Murad.

There are some awkward sentence structures. For example: "The taxi she boarded was braked suddenly." Since we already know she's in a taxi, you don't need "she boarded." In fact, all you really need from this is, "The taxi braked." It's short, polished, and quickens the pace of your narrative. See if you can polish your entire manuscript like this. It will improve the flow of your story.

As we already discussed, this needs a thorough edit, so I'm not going to comment on typos.

The story is here, and it's a good one. Right now, it's hiding behind the need for an edit and the execution. With a bit of work, this could be outstanding. I'd love to swing by when you upload any changes; just shoot me a message.

Dear Ellen,

My boyfriend Mark (The Devil's Fan Club) told me about your book and I enjoyed reading it. I'm very happy to back it.

Patricia

Hi Ellen,

I had a read as promised and found the characters solid and the plot well thought out. You've certainly created a very convincing world and know your subject well. But if you're looking for helpful feedback, I could maybe point out a few typos I noticed that probably woudn't take much time to change. Also, a few general impressions. Otherwise, just ignore the bit in brackets that follows. (You used both present and past tenses. The present is very good for immediacy. But you could maybe use present tense either more sparingly or throughout a particular section. Personally I'd also probably play it safe and use a full stop as the final punctuation at the end of a piece of dialogue if it's not followed by a 'she said' etc question tag. The typos mainly involved tenses/plurals: 'the receptionist lift' > lifts? / 'prominently looking man' > prominent-looking? / 'was braked' > braked? / 'wearing black jacket' > jackets.) I hope that helps. I certainly enjoyed reading this and would really like to see it do well here.

I wish you all the very best with it,

Mark (The Devil's Fan Club)