Casablanca, My Heart

Hi Hannah, hope all is well. Happily rebacking.
Agape, Jim

Dear Hannah,
I read all you have posted. You write with the polished precision of an artist who sets those gorgeous mosaics in the tiles. The last thing I want to do is be critical. However, your story has so much potential and your writing is so beautiful, I feel you need to polish, not the words, but the story, a little. I have mixed feelings about how your story flows--the story is wonderful. I can see from your pitches and the first four chapters how it will unfold with the intricacy and glory of a Persian carpet. My one suggestion would be to show more attraction on her part earlier or perhaps show how long she's been with out love in her life and a little of why.. When she faints in the market place, I kept thinking is she drugged, how did he drug her? I guess what I'm attempting to say is that Heather seems like a too 'in control woman' in chapter one to let it loose so fast in the steamy bath, in fact to even get in the bath. Was she drugged or perhaps had her sexualtiy been bottled up so long her protective shield collapsed. I know this from the pitch, but not from the story.. Hannah, tell me to go pound sand. Your writing is gorgeous, your story is sexy. I'm probalby too stuffy or haven't read enough of your story. I must say if more were posted I'd read every word. In fact, I'd buy the book to find out more.
Caroline

As expected after reading your blog some time ago, the writing is very professional. Some comments: The mention of the cruise ship's name in a casual manner might be embellished with additional modifiers like, "the British liner Costa Victoria." The narrative has a wonderful tone to it as presented from the eyes of the protagonist, until the third paragraph when the "he says" breaks that tone ("dubbing the corner.."). Also, perhaps delete the "He chuckles" from "I hate the wheezy sort of cough." All I am trying to point out (IMO) since the protagonist tells the story by observation, the "he says" identifiers may not be necessary because they break the tone of presentation.

I read this a while ago, forgot to add a comment. Great title and the pitches are very sound, well presented and have the perfect blend of information and intrigue. I freely admit Romance isn't my strong point, but any writer who can offer a character named Ghalib Tournequet has to be worth reading! You are well suited to this genre, characterisation being strong, but the skilful vocabulary of your descriptive passages is enticing. The description of the locker room in chapter four is sheer perfection.
This is a novel where much care has been lavished on development, very skilful work, and you have mastered the techniques of allowing the story to flow while the final two sentences of chapter four are exquisite; a perfect hook for the reader to demand more.
This is impressive and I'm delighted to support it.
Jake

ok finished the rest and you leave me wanting more!!! When are you posting more chapters? Lemon, sage, cigars, anise - they all paint a vivid picture. You have a way of writing, describing the steam bath for instance where I can picture exactly the surroundings but you don't bore me with descriptive words. Hope you understand what I'm saying! It's also great to finish the chapter with mystery, leaves the reader itching to turn the page and read more. Will give you some shelf time at some stage :-) Tammy

reappearing on a planet nearest you
:-)
love, me

Hey Hannah :-) I find your writing very descriptive and scene setting. Only thing is after I finished chapter 2 I have a very clear picture of Henry in my mind, but when it comes to Ghalib I know what he smells like and little details like the gold jewelry he wears but I can't picture him and I'm not sure if that's deliberate or not? With Henry you describe his eyebrows and his different smiles, but there's more of an air of mystery around Ghalib. This could be intended though on your part so I will definitely come back and read more. Your writing is easy to read but not simple. It's almost poetic in some places. The dialogue is believable. The markets sights and smells came to life, as did the breakfast room on the ship. All in all, I think this is great and I'm sure will do really well. Have rated you highly and watchlisted you. Tammy Robinson.

Intriguing pitch (maybe a bit long). I don’t usually read this genre but the unique style and swift pace made reading along a breeze. Before I knew it I was on chapter three and felt like I knew Heather very well. You’ve created a very memorable character and Heather herself is a hook. I need to read on to discover more of her thoughts. I’m fascinated by how well she seems to have come to terms with her circumstance yet I suspect she is deep and I hope I learn more about in the coming chapters.
Really enjoyed this clever story. Definitely one that I wouldn’t be surprised to see in a book store someday.

Janny

Good stuff. Read the opening on the thread and got immersed in what followed here. Nicely handled tense (not easy) full description ... with some very original phrasing. I missed any nits.

I like your descriptions of the different people, the teenager eating is particularly entertaining. I tend to struggle generally with the present tense narrative as it lacks a sense of place or movement. This is not a criticism of your work, rather my issue with the style. Overall all well written and easy to read. No technical criticisms, which is unusual for me. Good luck with it. Claire.

Hi Hannah, The second and third chapters simply take off into the lush environment that you've evoked. The first chapter seemed to emphasize Heather's romantic nature but after Ghalid catches with her in the market, her senses seem to brace and she's showing an observant personality that doesn't miss the underside. I liked the paradox of her worries about Ghalid, the steam bath, and her going farther into his house. There's subtle humor with the intrigue. Enjoyed! Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

I'm looking forward to reading some more :) Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

i'd suggest trimming your pitch. it's compelling and there isn't any particular section that needs cutting- i just think it's too long. you just want to give enough to make us want to read, not a synopsis.

lovelovelove your first line. the paragraph that follows is a great example of how to orient the reader and set the scene in just a few lines that also move the story along.

i think 'lounge' is the wrong word if he is sitting at the table.

demonstrating that someone is boring by giving a long chunk of his boring dialogue- this early in the story- seems risky.

the dialogue is natural and your descriptions of her fellow passengers bring them alive for me. i liked the description of the man's gaze like a hand pressing her. i felt like i wanted a better sense of that image- pressing her where?

the chapter is largely internal, yet you manage to keep it fast paced and interesting.

the conversation between the mc and the fan seems too formal and clunky.

when she is speaking on the phone, it strains believability that she'd waste time saying 'this must be bad news.... remember? you calling me can only mean trouble.' this could be included as narrative.

i don't usually read this genre but i enjoyed your first chapter. hope something i've said is useful. thanks for the read.

Hannah,
From reading the synopsis, I thought Heather would have a profoundly disturbed psychology from the tragedy in her past. She seems to have come to terms with the unacceptable and can enjoy this day at sea which you convey in vivid and lively detail. The reader has a strong sense of her thoughts and feelings as the story unfolds. The plot of Casablanca, My Heart has tremendous intrigue for romance readers who are captivated by this type of story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Nice to see you again!
Thank you for the friend request.
:-)

Spellbinding, a book to read when only reading will fill the void. Highly recommended.

Hello Hannah,

I normally don't read this genre, but your fluid style, strong character development, and well-written format sucked me in. Since it’s not my subject, I don’t’ feel I’m able to give a strong critique. But with this in mind, I would suggest this novel to anyone who wants a good romance :}. Six stars!

Kind regards,

David Joyce

The Emerald Throne

I read all four chapters. I found myself carried away by the atmosphere of the book. I am having difficulty finding the words to describe it. The word you use is perhaps best. Spellbound.
Best regards, jed Oliver (French Roast and Lingerie)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. An articulate, fascinating main character. Thought-provoking narrative. Clever wit. Good descriptions. Not much tension until Heather's encounter with Ghalib on the deck. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... so I feel safe with him.' Try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe her 'safe' feeling so vividly the reader will experience it along with Heather. When you do this, the reader will be immersed more fully in your scene. There are more cases where you use 'feel.'
2) ' ... annoyed at the rowdiness' is telling. How does her annoyance manifest? Consider showing the onset of her annoyance so realistically the reader will experience it along with her. When you do this, the reader will more closely identify with Heather.
3) 'No need to put the cart before the horse' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresher way.
4) "Oh, god, I can't do this, Luuk." Capitalize 'god.'
5) ' ... I am surprisingly uncomfortable at the idea' is telling. Consider describing Heather's discomfort so vividly the reader will feel it as well. Doing this will draw the reader deeper into your story.
6) 'He leans his lower arms on the railing ... ' Should 'lower' be 'lowered?' Otherwise the phrasing implies he has upper and lower arms.
7) 'I am overcome with nerves' is telling. How does Heather's nervousness manifest? Consider describing the onset of her nervousness as realistically as possible and then show the nervousness building to the point of 'overcoming' Heather. When you do this, the reader will be plunged much deeper into the situation.

I hope this citique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if you like it, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Hi,

This is really, really good. You have a deft hand at characterization and plot. I can't find a single thing to fault, except maybe the fact that I will not get any work done this afternoon as I read on.

Well, just a couple of small things. You mention Melanie, and we don't know who that is. Then Rita and somebody else. It felt like Melanie we should know about , but that the other two would show up later. Also, I was confused by the fact she was traveling under her pen name. If she wants to go uncognito, why wouldn't she use Heather, her real name, instead. She doesn't want anyone to know that Femmy Lovecraft the author is on board, but she travels under that name? Maybe I misread something?

Anyway, I am giving you a bevy of stars. I think this absolutely worthy of publication. Will watchlist fo now.

And again, thanks so much for backing Animal Cracker during the home stretch.

Best,
\Andi

Hi. When I started reading your first chapter I felt that this would be just another authonomy lack lustre book that doesn't show me anything but then you start to build that deliscious mystery of Mr Tournequet and I was caught, and had to read on to find that your words soon start painting the pictures.

If i have any criticism it is that the imagery I eventually had didn't start soon enough with a better description of the ship she was aboard but little matter.

I would definitely read the full version of this book off the shelf, possibly even buy it.

Because of the nature of my lifestyle I don't spend a great deal of time here but I'm glad I found your book I really enjoyed it once I did get into the writing.

You don't need the suffix that you added to Casablanca though i realise why that is there, just don't talk about 'all the gin joints in all the world' LOL

The first thing I noticed about this was how strong the writing is. You definitely have a gift! This is possibly the best written opening I've come across on authonomy.

There's some brilliant characterization in here. By the time Henry finished his speech about publishing his articles, I already had a clear visual of his character. As the chapter progresses, you continue to make your characters three-dimensional, especially Heather as we see the world from her eyes. The first person present tense is used perfectly here. This is an excellent example of how it should be done. You bring us right into the moment with her, and I felt everything she felt.

There's even a subtle humor in here. "The three are similarly shaped, possessing little conversation but sufficient appetite to fill their loose-fitting garments." In fact that whole paragraph about the plump ladies had me grinning. I also liked, "Did you also study the chemistry between you and your wife?"

While the breath-taking writing hooked me right away, the first time the plot hooked me was when she began worrying that the man recognized her. This got my curiosity going. Nicely played. And I like that you've chosen your main character to be a writer. Her voice fits the role perfectly. I was actually starting to wonder how any character can be so well-spoken. That answers my question! And if that wasn't enough, I was completely hooked when he confesses his obsession with her, especially when he calls her by her real name. Holy crap this is getting good! What a mystery!

Suggestions: Is "slightly" necessary in "muted slightly?" I'm a little torn here. There are quite a few characters introduced in the opening chapter, and I wonder if they could be pared down? But at the same time, the introduction of these characters flows so smoothly and it adds to the development of the setting. Perhaps this is something to think about? Careful not to fall into the first person trap of starting too many sentences and paragraphs with "I." You have three in a row about midway through. Other than that, I was far too caught up in the story to notice anything else.

While this genre rarely makes my reading list, I'm glad this one did. In fact, I'm quite upset that you got me to like a romance novel. Shh. Don't tell my wife. It's a beautifully written, well-crafted story that is ready to be published. In fact, please message me when this is published. I'll be the first in line to buy it. Highly rated and recommended! And as soon as I have an available spot, this is going on my shelf.

I must ask if you have any published works, for you write as if you were a seasoned pro. Your narrative is wonderful.
I tried hard to find something to help over the first 2 chapters, but i came up with nothing.
This is one of the best written works i have seen on this site.

JJ Marro
Magic of the Frogs

Hannah, I want you know that I was floored by your writing: your talent shows in your character developement and narration. You read like a seasoned pro...It's how your inner dialogue easily flows out as your characters thoughts; there were no stumblings or awkward phrases that pulled me from the story. The table scene in the first chapters told me so much about Heather (Aka Ms Lovecraft). Henry is amazing and I love the tone of his voice and his pompus attitude. I love the mystery of Mr. Blue Eyes.

This is hands-down one of the best reads that I've come across so far on this site. I just wished you posted more chapters. Even with the kids tugging my arm, I was still glued to page (screen),

6-stars

Cheers,
Dwayne
A Killer's Kind