The Gnome warriors of Seraphina-The Scourge

The suspense in the beginning was excellent. Normal kids, with a common bond will play well with readers. An everyday situation will also be related to. Editing is great. Fine job. Good Luck, highly starred and will place on WL for now and shelve later.

Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

I like the way you develop the setting and conflict through the opening scene rather than infodumping. It's very effective, especially for a fantasy.

The premise is intriguing. I'm instantly curious as to why and how these three are having the same dream and what it means. I'm also curious as to how it ties to the location of their field trip.

The set-up is well-done. I like how you've placed them in an ordinary situation your target audience will be able to relate to.

There's also a good level of mystery to this. The free trip, the director, the dream, something moving in the ferns. You've done a solid job developing these questions for your reader to wonder about.

I like how the three kids have their own unique personalities. You've done a pretty good job of differentiating and developing them in this opening; however, I'd look for ways to build them even more early on so your reader can instantly connect with them. The teachers crack me up. As a teacher, I know both these types. Well done.

The ending of the first chapter is excellent. I like that you haven't hesitated to introduce the plot; it's nice to see where this is going and it gives the reader motivation to keep reading.

Suggestions: You use a bit of telling in this opening and it would be stronger if you showed instead. Really watch for how often you use "was" and "were" as these are the two most obvious signs of telling. I wouldn't use both "began a few years after" and "some ten years before" in the same sentence. I got lost in terms of timeframe. Some of the language at times feels too old for the target audience. For example, "George refrained from passing comment, as this was often easier than the ensuing onslaught of derisory comments." Remember your target audience when writing. The jump in perspective felt a bit jarring, going from the kids to the teachers. I'd stick with the kids. I'd also pick one of the kids to follow. It will allow your reader to grow closer to that single character. Careful not to repeat words close together. For example "now" in the sentence starting, "Unfortunately, he couldn't..." and the one that follows it. If you're targeting middle grade, I'd watch the use of hell.

Typos: The semi-colon used in the opening is misused. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. Should be "bat-like skin." Hyphenate when you're using two words as one adjective. Make sure you review the correct punctuation for dialogue as there are a few issues with it. Also, you tend to use commas where they aren't necessary. For example, when finishing a sentence with a dependent clause, you don't need one. "He brushed a long fringe of jet-black hair from his eyes to see Emily more clearly."

This is a strong start to a fun, well-written fantasy. With a bit of editing it will be even stronger. Good job!

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this. Children will definately like this.
The description at the beginning of the first chapter was beautifully written, and drew me into the story.
The narrative is easy enough for children, but still interesting, and you have some great lines. The one about the heavy iron spiral staircase ascending up into the heavens of the palm house stood out in particular.
Other than a few small grammatical errors, which can easily edited, I think you've done a fantastic job.
Small nitpick, you said Emily threw a dissaproving look twice in one chapter. Could be a bit much but that's just my opinion.

I wish you the best of luck :)

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Very nice flow and sentences. The mystery is already there within the first paragraph which will hook readers. Will put on my watchlist.
Luckyfish09
Spellbound

Review//The Gnome Warriors of Seraphina//M.P. Fry//Chapter One

I too enjoy where this story begins. I do believe the “dream” could exist above the chapter title—that is just a nit picky observation. You have good characters and interesting dialogue (that may be a little too comma happy), but I like where this is going and you held my interest from beginning to end.

I did, however, feel a lot of disruption in your flow from the amount of commas. A lot of the time, I found myself having to reread over sentences just to figure out what you meant. I’ve highlighted a list of problem areas that I found, but take note that you don’t have to listen to a single word I say 



-“Emily, George and Evan…” This paragraph literally made me feel like I was watching a TV special only to have the director press pause and turn to the camera to feed me some back story. I see how it is necessary, but I found it rather jarring to your flow.
-“around, like zombies, like zombies without a purpose,” these commas are unnecessary
-director of Kew.—Missing end quote
-“After their parents’ disappearance, the remaining parents decided to make an annual anniversary, on the day they went missing, to visit Kew, seeing as how they had all belonged to a botanical team” Why so comma happy? “After their parents’ disappearance, the remaining parents decided to make an annual anniversary on the day they went missing to visit Kew.” Omit the sentence about their botanical team or find an easier way to slip it in as that sentence is very exhausting to read.
-Single quotations are only meant for quotes inside of quotes* (I could be wrong, but this is what I’ve known to be true)
-exceed[ing]
-She barked in her characteristic way? Choose something more “characteristic” and let the reader decide how “characteristic” her way of reacting is.
-I was confused as to why the word “director” was capitalized and emphasized by italics.
-waiting, as if mrs. Driscoll were invisible. You can remove that comma.
-You appear to toss a lot of commas in the mix in an attempt to mask run-ons. It is also a flow (disruptor?)

Beyond my points ^^^ I found the ending of this chapter really exciting and with a good clean up, I wholly believe that your TA would continue reading.

Four Stars

I've put your book on my WL. Sounds real interesting, can't wait to read more!

There is a lot to like about this story and I think it will appeal very much to the target audience. The whole idea of field trips and other worlds kind of reminds me of the Kids TV series the Magic School Bus (I don't think they have it in the UK) - and kids just eat that sort of stuff up.

I am not sure whether not making any reference at all to any aspect of the book title in the short pitch is a plus or a minus. It could make you curious to read the book to find out how it all fits together, or it could put you off a bit. The pitch in itself is more than adequate though.

I think the premise is very original and clearly a lot of effort has gone into making the plot move along credibly - I am going to give it 5 stars with pleasure.

Hi Martin, Kate from the Alliance of Worldbuilders here. I’ve just read the first chapter of The Gnome Warriors of Seraphina, and have outlined some thoughts that I hope prove useful. I have to say that the idea of the story is great and would enthral young and old readers alike. However, there are some issues with syntax, punctuation and typos. That said, I think once this has been polished, it will be a fantastic book. Good luck.

Pitch.
Very competent pitches, if a little dry. Perhaps a bit more panache is needed, as it’s a children’s story and their imaginations need to be engaged right from the get go.

Chapter 1.
The opening paragraph starting: In the dark shadows... and ending: ...bat like skin shimmering in the sunlight cast from the great rhombinia – is very evocative and gives the reader the expectation of a good read.
‘I (have) had it more often, recently.’ This seemed a little formal for a child and I think it’s slightly clunky, marring the flow of the dialogue. Unless there’s a specific reason for George speaking in this way, I would suggest using the abbreviation: I’ve had it more often recently.
Syntax: ...who dressed like she (were) from the 1950’s... this should be: who dressed as though she was from the 1950’s.
Syntax: ...wearing a tweed trouser suit and sporting a shoulder length bob; (her hair dark with a few strands of grey.) This doesn’t flow well, would suggest rejigging along the lines of: ...wearing a tweed trouser suit and her dark hair, streaked with strands of grey, cut into a shoulder length bob – something along those lines.
Repetition: ...leading to the open door at the front of the (coach). ‘Please form an orderly line at the side of the (coach).’ Ms Gable stood at the (side of the coach), miming... The repetition of the bracketed words mars the flow of the dialogue and narrative. Would suggest rejigging along the lines of: ...leading to the open door at the front of the coach. “Please form an orderly line.’ Ms Gable stood outside, miming where the line should begin. It’s not important to say exactly where the children lined up; the reader will assume they’re going to line up outside the vehicle. You don’t need to indicate your characters’ every move.
Beckoning the (line) of children to follow. I don’t think you need the bracketed word, we already know they’re in a line.
After their parents’ disappearance, (the remaining parents...) I think you need to indicate earlier on that not all of the parents have vanished. I assumed that the children had been left parentless.
‘I have noticed,’ said Evan out of the blue, ‘no people actually work in the glass houses?’ You start this sentence with a statement – I have noticed – and then turn it into a question: no people actually work in the glass houses?’ You need to make it one or the other. E.g.: ‘Have you noticed,’ Evan said out of the blue, ‘that no people actually work in the glass houses?’ or ‘I’ve noticed,’ Evan said out of the blue, ‘that there are no people working in the glass houses.’
Repetition: Unfortunately he couldn’t identify signs of anything (now). The group, by (now), was a (little) ahead of him, so he quickened his pace a (little) in order to catch up with them. The repetition mars the flow of the narrative, but is easy enough to weed out. For example: Unfortunately he couldn’t identify signs of anything now. The group was ahead of him, so he quickened his pace in order to catch up with them.
Typo: eves dropping. This should be: eavesdropping.
Sentence structure: However, instead of a stone construction, with the purpose of keeping people out, (it) was formed from glass... missing the bracketed word.
Syntax: ..of how such vast engineering prowess was the foundation (of what had proven) to make his nation what it was today... ...of how such vast engineering prowess was the foundation upon which this nation had built its greatness – something along those lines.
The blueprint of almost every major scientific breakthrough leading up to the modern world he lived (in). Missing the bracketed word.

The Gnome Warriors of Seraphina M P Fry


Hi Martin, here’s my Alliance of Worldbuilders crit for your book. The usual disclaimers, it’s just my opinion, disregard whatever you don’t like or don’t agree with etc etc.

The short pitch : feels a bit bland to me, could do with carrying some of the action of the book. The longer pitch also fails to convey the action and adventure for the reader, and needs some serious attention outside of this crit.

This then comes over as a deft take on an old premise, going back as far as Orpheus : a journey out of our world to the Underworld to rescue loved ones. The immediate comparisons will be towards Narnia, especially with the device of three children, one leaning to the darkness. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as children feel comfortable with stories whose progression they can second guess a little. But to attract attention from a publisher, some twist is needed, specifically something to make it stand out for more than your evident writing skill. Funnily, this is the third similar story I have looked at this month, but that makes it even more important that you make it stand out a little more – which it deserves.

Your scene setting is deftly executed, and the first chapters bring in enough backstory for the tension to build, without pulling in a total info dump. This is good, and the pace and action is entirely suited to your audience.

Characterisation slips in early and easily, but I think you need to spend a little time making Evan nastier. For the later plot to work, his dark side has to be apparent early on. Then, you might wish to chose a different character to have dangling from the balcony – if Evan is to be the nasty one, then the reader will not invest much interest in his survival – or not – at that early point.

You do have some format and punctuation issues, which need a good proof read in your original, where it matters more than on here.

Chapter 1; Your booking clerk says he has never seen the Director, the man he works for? The place is too small for that. Maybe if he says Visitors have never met the Director? Then, I think you end the chapter too late. I’d have finished with Evan hanging in mid air, to pull the reader into the next chapter. A veritable cliff hanger.

Chapter 2 – The Director clearly has an important role, so why is he so lowly? Plus, the plot doesn’t work if the Gnames have no access to Seraphina other than the lift – which is implied. How could they get to the surface to mount their raid/attack with out passing through the Director’s office, which he would have noticed? When the children reach Seraphina, how are the caverns lit? Daylight? Magical light?

Chapter 3 – the shifting POV isn’t always carried out fully. At one point I was unsure if the description was from Cedric’s POV, the guard’s POV or Evan’s. Plus, at one point, you have captives trudging”lazily” to the deaths – maybe a different adjective?

When Evan was talking to his dead father, I didn’t get a feeling that he was shocked, surprised or thrown off balance at all, and perhaps a bit more emotion from him might increase the readers empathy a bit more.

Again, for me, a better end for the chapter would have been with Evan facing his enemy, rather than at the end of the battle.

Sorry, I’ve rambled on a lot, I know, but I think that you have a nice story which you are writing with some skill, but which needs a tad of work to move onwards.

Will

The suspense in the beginning was excellent. Normal kids, with a common bond will play well with readers. An everyday situation will also be related to. Editing is great. Fine job. Good Luck, highly starred and will place on WL for now and shelve later.

Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

A lot of the comments with regard to Joshua, I would agree, however some I can't. When you say about going from the children to the teachers, it is an omniscent perspective, not a third person, or first; whilst I try to strive away from authorial intrusion, for the way you suggest this would need to all be seen through the eyes of one character - probably George. This, in my mind is not possible, as each of the three characters are as important as one another to the plot; they all share the same dream, conflict which carries the plot.

I like the way you develop the setting and conflict through the opening scene rather than infodumping. It's very effective, especially for a fantasy.

The premise is intriguing. I'm instantly curious as to why and how these three are having the same dream and what it means. I'm also curious as to how it ties to the location of their field trip.

The set-up is well-done. I like how you've placed them in an ordinary situation your target audience will be able to relate to.

There's also a good level of mystery to this. The free trip, the director, the dream, something moving in the ferns. You've done a solid job developing these questions for your reader to wonder about.

I like how the three kids have their own unique personalities. You've done a pretty good job of differentiating and developing them in this opening; however, I'd look for ways to build them even more early on so your reader can instantly connect with them. The teachers crack me up. As a teacher, I know both these types. Well done.

The ending of the first chapter is excellent. I like that you haven't hesitated to introduce the plot; it's nice to see where this is going and it gives the reader motivation to keep reading.

Suggestions: You use a bit of telling in this opening and it would be stronger if you showed instead. Really watch for how often you use "was" and "were" as these are the two most obvious signs of telling. I wouldn't use both "began a few years after" and "some ten years before" in the same sentence. I got lost in terms of timeframe. Some of the language at times feels too old for the target audience. For example, "George refrained from passing comment, as this was often easier than the ensuing onslaught of derisory comments." Remember your target audience when writing. The jump in perspective felt a bit jarring, going from the kids to the teachers. I'd stick with the kids. I'd also pick one of the kids to follow. It will allow your reader to grow closer to that single character. Careful not to repeat words close together. For example "now" in the sentence starting, "Unfortunately, he couldn't..." and the one that follows it. If you're targeting middle grade, I'd watch the use of hell.

Typos: The semi-colon used in the opening is misused. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. Should be "bat-like skin." Hyphenate when you're using two words as one adjective. Make sure you review the correct punctuation for dialogue as there are a few issues with it. Also, you tend to use commas where they aren't necessary. For example, when finishing a sentence with a dependent clause, you don't need one. "He brushed a long fringe of jet-black hair from his eyes to see Emily more clearly."

This is a strong start to a fun, well-written fantasy. With a bit of editing it will be even stronger. Good job!

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this. Children will definately like this.
The description at the beginning of the first chapter was beautifully written, and drew me into the story.
The narrative is easy enough for children, but still interesting, and you have some great lines. The one about the heavy iron spiral staircase ascending up into the heavens of the palm house stood out in particular.
Other than a few small grammatical errors, which can easily edited, I think you've done a fantastic job.
Small nitpick, you said Emily threw a dissaproving look twice in one chapter. Could be a bit much but that's just my opinion.

I wish you the best of luck :)

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Does this feel a little more compelling now?

Re-word your short pitch! Otherwise, I am about to give the gnome warriors a visit.