One Foot in the Jungle

Sue
This is a great story and at times could almost be my biography! I think most mums have felt like Grace at some point and you've captured it just right. The book certainly deserves a wider audience and I hope you have great success with it.
Jane

i'm picky about pitches, but yours is great- pulled me right in. i liked the concept. if i can make any suggestion, it would be to do less telling the reader how she feels. i think the background about her husband and present scene with the kids make this clear enough.
i liked the detail of the 'milk float'. it helps make an otherwise average sort of situation stand out. you have created a sympathetic main character here.
you need a punctuation edit, but that's no biggie.
thanks for the read!

I agree with Katie - the pitch pulled me in too. Great concept, with plenty of potential for conflict and dilemmas. There are a few typos in your pitch, you might want to check those, as that can often put the reader off. I also agree about not needing to say "she felt very hard done by" - you've basically already shown she feels that way.
There are a few typos - damn, heels - and your punctuation needs a bit ofwork. It's annoying that you can't comment line by line on this site but let me know if you want me to point them out in more detail. The second sentence is a bit too clunky with the if and the negative - could you rework it slightly? It just needs a tweak.
I like how you work Tom in - speaking of buggers... Clever. And that is how our minds work.
I wonder if instead of having her swear and say "I'm well and truly stuffed" she could just groan. That might say it all...
I love Melissa's long and complicated reply - exactly what little girls do - and it made me want to skip it but that's fine because it replicates how we feel when little girls go on and on, we want to skip that too.
I think, as Janny says, that this perfect mummy lit, and great for its intended audience who will be able to relate to Grace's hectic life and (maybe) feelings of resentment.

I came to read this and realised after the first chapter that I've read the first chapter before! I obviously meant to come back, read and comment but got caught up and I keep losing track of who I owe reads too and what I want to read etc. So, sorry it's taken me so long :-)
This is so easy to read, before you know if you've flicked through chapter after chapter. I find Grace a sympathetic character, and the kids are great, you've given them distinctive personalities. Often with books like this the kids are peripheral to the story but not here. It's well written, the only mistake I spotted was the word Shreck, should be spelt Shrek. Oh and is pinken a word? Looks weird to me. Maybe could be redden. And the bit on the end of Chapter five in the italics I would start on a new line (new paragraph) but that's just me :-)
An entertaining, easy read that I give 5 stars.
Tammy

Sue, through 4 chapters and the pace is pleasing - the children are realistic - and I'm sure there is room for development in further chapters. Grace is a character who - understanding what is going to happen - so far, brings much of her trouble on herself - though obviously difficult being a "single mom" of four - but you've laid out the beginnings of what should be an interesting journey. Good luck and I will put on my shelf soon. Enjoyable read so far. CW The Fog Had Lifted

Sue, this one is great! I am ready to kill Tom after one chapter! I hope he gets eaten by wildlife in chapter two. But, checking the LP, I see you have other plans. I love the humor underlying this narrative, and yet the situation, the characters and the scenes all feel very real and have strong, relatable emotional content. Very good!! I expect to shelve this one as soon as I get a grip on my reading obligations (which I am behind on, as you can tell by how long it took me to get here).

Best luck with this one! EB

I love what I have read so far you have a great sense of humour and it shows in your writing. I totally feel for your MC. The hostile relashionship she shares with her husband is interesting. your writing flows well and engages the reader straight away. I am commited to reading more. On my watchlist.

Dear Sue

One Foot in the Jungle - I have just been mulling through your first chapter and would like to read more. I totally understand Grace's position and her hostility to her husband. She just seems to be one of these women who can't live with or without him.

I found your writing style engaging without being laboured, and interesting enough to want to read on. Having piled on the misery I am interested to see how Grace deals with her predicament. I might get some ideas!

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

you write with great ease, with a humourous style that works perfectly. although you use the third person, you allow us to go into your character as if it is the first person...very well done...
backed...
six stars******
read SEASONS...

chapter one. The first paragraph has got broken up. 'dam' as an expletive is spelt damn. I loved the first chapter.
If I was Grace, I would lecture the children about not volunteering me for things... although I not suggesting changes to your novel. Your book looks like the best advocate of birth control, and coulld make those who can't have children realise what they are missing.

Sue,
I am putting your book on my watchlist. I think you could delete the first paragraph of your long pitch, as it just repeats the short pitch.

Gillian Bergh

This is first class writing ... enjoyed what I read (not a big fan of chick-lit) ... you have a fine MC in Grace I'm rooting for her :)

In the queue for my shelf (because I'd buy it for my wife) until then much starlight.

Mick xx

Hi, Wilma – am slowly getting to my return reads. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I like the first paragraph of your LP better than the SP you’ve got. Then the rest of your LP would be great as your LP.

I put great stock in the importance of first lines. Is the fact that Grace is on a deadline important to the story? Now that I’ve read two chapters, I didn’t feel she was on a deadline so much as she was running late and feeling rushed, or performing chores she just didn’t like.

Don’t need a comma after “the twice daily crossing of the cows…” Wouldn’t Bartons Farm have an apostrophe?

“Grace didn’t give a dam…” You wanted damn.

Grace’s frustration doesn’t ring true (for me, anyway) as she’s picking up the children. Didn’t she play an active role in her current status? She considers how well-off they are, so we know she could easily afford a helper for picking up the children (or work out a driving arrangement with other moms) and the job of opening/organizing the mail. The fact that she’s fallen out of love with her husband is revealed before we know anything about him or how he treats Grace, as if it’s common knowledge that all wives despise their mates. Then when the household duties are finished, she has time for a large glass of red wine and a cigarette. It might be more effective if you drop hints about the way her husband treats her throughout the chapter, and then tell us she doesn’t love him any more. As it is, her anger just makes her sound bitchy rather than disappointed.

You’ve got Stagecoach capitalized once and starting with a lower-case S in another place.

In the second chapter, she seems to get angry with the children mighty easily. The way she tells her daughter that she (daughter) wouldn’t talk that way in front of Dad suggests that Dad can manage the children, but Mom cannot. I’m not sure that’s the message you want to convey. She hasn’t taught her son to wash his own sports gear, so she’s angry she has to do it? Maybe a bit of history on this would be helpful – perhaps show how her husband has contributed to the situation?

You’ve got Barton’s Farm with a Matt Barton, and in your LP there’s a Matt Baron. Are these the same people or is this an intentional coincidence?

“The pile of papers removed from behind the toast rack, were sitting on the scrubbed…” Don’t need a comma after rack. Also – consider ‘sat’ rather than ‘were sitting’ to remove the verb of being.

You tell us at the start of chapter 3 that Grace’s thoughts are rushing at her, and may well crush her. I think we could sympathize more with Grace if we knew the nature of those thoughts and why she’s having them.

“Pizza delivery, I think not,” should be “Pizza delivery? I think not.”

Scowered should be scoured.

Does SF stand for shit-face or sod-face? You refer to Tom as sod-face earlier, but then when Jenny uses SF you say it’s for shit-face.

After three chapters I still don’t have a good feel for why she’s so upset with Tom. I’ve read a few hints, but not enough information to make her anger believable. Additionally, your pitch says he’s up to something but we don’t see any evidence of it yet. We get interested in the promises made in the pitch, much as we salivate about an entrée we’ve ordered at a restaurant. If we don’t get to taste the entrée very soon, we might go to another restaurant. Perhaps Grace could talk with Jenny about her suspicions?

This is a fun read. I feel as I always do after three chapters – I want to know what happens next!!

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Sue, this was great fun to read. Grace is a great character and we're rooting for her from the start. Also, how could I resist a title that has 'boob jobs' as one of its tags? On my shelf.
Sheila

I like the premise of this and love the title.

It does need a little work on some of the technical aspects, but nothing editing and rewriting a bit more won’t help. With the pitch, I did wonder if you need to tell us it was innocent…eg Matt Baron, a neighbour and friend, comes to her aid, but she finds herself the subject of the tabloids or something.

I think Grace comes across as stressed and overwhelmed and has real flaws and wants like so many women. I think you’ve done a good job on her character. I’ve only got one child and can imagine the four would be a nightmare LOL – especially if you have a husband who cares little about the day to day running of a household and even less for his wife.

The main thing I thought overall was that there is really very little setting and at times I was a little unsure of exactly where we were, that there was really nothing visually added to make us feel we are in any particular setting and I have brought some of that up in some of the comments below. I’ve also marked some places where you should alter the punctuation a little.

When she reads the letter about the costumes for Oliver found in the jacket I was a bit confused of why it was there and she hadn’t been given it. At first I thought that the husband must have been given the letter because you mention I think men’s treed jacket, but I thought her husband had been away, but then if it was the husband why hadn’t he given it to her…so I think that might need a little more clarification. I like that paragraph after she reads the letter, it shows just how overwhelmed she feels.

The other letter with her maiden name on the envelope, I couldn’t help wondering why, when she took it out of the mail box, assuming it was her, or why, when she discovered it under the hall table why she waited till after dinner to read it…she was clearly curious about its contents and that it had been sent from her family address, and I think you wouldn’t throw it aside and come back to it later…or if she does, there needs to be something that makes her put the letter down a bit stronger than mentioning it, then going back to it after dinner is done.

Ch1

-----a minor point here….I like your opening line, but wonder if you haven’t introduced us to too many names in your opening paragraph…I read it twice and because we have no idea who these people are it might be a bit much for an opening paragraph. I also wasn’t sure what you meant by ‘miss the railway crossing gates’….did you mean avoid them? Or miss the time they come down and stop the traffic. I don’t think it is clear.

Jack mumbled something incoherent as he slid from the passenger seat to the pavement, dragging his kit bag behind him. -----I don’t think you need that last ‘him’.

Grace managed a watery smile and offered it to Matt Barton. -----It isn’t clear where or how far away the farmer is – I assume we are on some type of country road but it isn’t clear…think of the sense…sight, smell to help ground us a little in setting.

Pulling up in front of Tappers Dance School, -----I was a little loss with this because you have cows crossing the road and a farmer waving. I’m not sure where we are…did we just go into a town to be at this dance school? Or is the school a homestead or something?

Even Alice, at seven, had more going on in her life than Grace. Everything she did was organized around everyone else. -----You need Grace in that last sentence instead of ‘she’ to stop the ambiguity of mentioning
Alice in the preceding sentence.

When Channel Four rang asking for Tom, she should have said he was away, retired, anything but no, not her, always the dutiful wife, -----fullstop there

carried the phone upstairs to the bathroom where Tom was lounging -----you can just say ‘where Tom lounged” without the was is more active and not passive

The need to touch his face and run her fingers through his hair seemed to have vanished in a mist of domesticity. -----I like that

Her thoughts were interrupted as the rear door was almost wrenched off its hinges; Melissa struggled to force an oversized box spewing pink and lilac netting, onto the rear seats.

‘What the hell is that lot’ Grace snapped. -----That is a question and should be…”What in the hell is that lot?”

Sneezing loudly, Melissa rummaged in her zip bag -----comma

producing ----- missing a…eg ‘producing a handy pack ect

‘It wasn’t a strange man -----fullstop

it was Josh’s dad and he was just checking we had a lift, -----full stop

‘OK, OK, George, give her the tissues, there in the door-well, -----full stop

She was a serial sulker -----like that

Inside were four men’s tweed jackets an -----this should be - ’and an assortment of men’s ect

‘What’s for tea, I’m starving?’ Jack offered. -----Jack asked….

Good luck with this. I hope something helps.

Sue, I've read five chapters now and really enjoying this. It flows nicely, the dialogue and narrative are natural and easy to read. The characters all have their own personalities. Grace is working well as a MC, creating sympathy for her and feeling as fed up with Tom as she is.

A few notes I made:
Ch 2: talking about throwing Jack's dirty kit. 'I landed on top of the vast heap of laundry' - it landed

Ch 3: 'She grabbed the neck of the carried the full bag and carried it outside.' - typo

Ch 4: 'The following morning found her in the city the housework ignore, at an overpriced salon' - should it be ignored

Ch 5: 'Shreck 2' - Shrek
'She kisses her daughters cheek' - change of tense and think it should be daughter's

A good read with hooks to keep you going and wanting to find out more.

Glad you got a better cover at last but it still does not do this excellent book justice.
Amelia

Hope you like ts it really sums the book up.
Sue

Hi Sue

What fun!
The first chapter read to me like an episode of Jam & Jerusalem, which I love! The Range Rover locked in a race with the milk float felt like a modern rendition of the Hare and the Tortoise, very charming!

I'll be back

Strong cover and good pitches are always a good start. Although the pitches work, they'd be even strong, in my view, if you ended the long pitch at, 'Matt Baron a neighbour and friend come’s to her aid but the paparazzi catch an innocent moment of comfort on film and she finds herself the subject of the tabloids.' I'd certainly delete the following paragraph, but there's more than enough to interest a prospect reader in that truncated version I've suggested. Less is more, in this case at least.
You write well, have a clear ease with the genre and your main character, Grace, is well fleshed out and sympathetic. I've not made an attempt to pick up errors - being far too engrossed in your story - but this is a Romance with so much to recommend about it. Well composed, thoughtful character development and a strong storyline. On my shelf.
Jake

Glad you got a better cover at last but it still does not do this excellent book justice.
Amelia

this has a very unique storyline that ive never seen before and i like it. your short pitch is good- it hooked me and made me want to read more. even though i felt that your long pitch was close to a summary, i liked it and still wanted to read on. i felt you gave a lot away but still made me hungry for more. one thing id like to mention though is that you spell melissas name 2 different ways; melissa and mellisa. personally, i think you should go with melissa, haha :P.
i wish you the very best of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Well I read this between piano lessons and soccer (or properly...football), and I have four children, aged 9-11, and I found myself nodding my head to Grace's inner rant and completely understanding how something like a milk float (although I don't really know what that is) could entirely screw up your tightly packed schedule. So. A character that was entirely relatable for me, but your dialogue was entertaining and the children believable and I really enjoyed the pace in the beginning. What I did notice was superficial editing type things. For example: places where commas should be inserted or a sentence made into two. Assorted punctuation errors. In the fourth and fifth paragraphs, you have "she was relieved" followed closely by "she was pleased." I wouldn't have those together, and I'd consider showing her feelings through inner dialogue or action instead. I think it's enough to say "No sign of the milk float." and that implies her relief. In the paragraph that starts: "Pulling up in front..." you have "Melissa" four times I think. It gets a little overworded too, this paragraph. I'd condense and clarify. Throughout, you could probably tighten up a few places, especially where you use "It" or too many prepositional phrases. Things like that. I had no problem with the big picture stuff.

Really just needs a fine tooth comb at this point, polishing up. I think the concept is fabulous--current and interesting. Perfect for chick lit, and your characters and dialogue really stand out for me. Well done.

Mary

Sue, through 4 chapters and the pace is pleasing - the children are realistic - and I'm sure there is room for development in further chapters. Grace is a character who - understanding what is going to happen - so far, brings much of her trouble on herself - though obviously difficult being a "single mom" of four - but you've laid out the beginnings of what should be an interesting journey. Good luck and I will put on my shelf soon. Enjoyable read so far. CW The Fog Had Lifted

Well written, engaging characters and most enjoyable. Good luck with this Yours Bea.

I came to read this and realised after the first chapter that I've read the first chapter before! I obviously meant to come back, read and comment but got caught up and I keep losing track of who I owe reads too and what I want to read etc. So, sorry it's taken me so long :-)
This is so easy to read, before you know if you've flicked through chapter after chapter. I find Grace a sympathetic character, and the kids are great, you've given them distinctive personalities. Often with books like this the kids are peripheral to the story but not here. It's well written, the only mistake I spotted was the word Shreck, should be spelt Shrek. Oh and is pinken a word? Looks weird to me. Maybe could be redden. And the bit on the end of Chapter five in the italics I would start on a new line (new paragraph) but that's just me :-)
An entertaining, easy read that I give 5 stars.
Tammy

I agree with Katie - the pitch pulled me in too. Great concept, with plenty of potential for conflict and dilemmas. There are a few typos in your pitch, you might want to check those, as that can often put the reader off. I also agree about not needing to say "she felt very hard done by" - you've basically already shown she feels that way.
There are a few typos - damn, heels - and your punctuation needs a bit ofwork. It's annoying that you can't comment line by line on this site but let me know if you want me to point them out in more detail. The second sentence is a bit too clunky with the if and the negative - could you rework it slightly? It just needs a tweak.
I like how you work Tom in - speaking of buggers... Clever. And that is how our minds work.
I wonder if instead of having her swear and say "I'm well and truly stuffed" she could just groan. That might say it all...
I love Melissa's long and complicated reply - exactly what little girls do - and it made me want to skip it but that's fine because it replicates how we feel when little girls go on and on, we want to skip that too.
I think, as Janny says, that this perfect mummy lit, and great for its intended audience who will be able to relate to Grace's hectic life and (maybe) feelings of resentment.

i'm picky about pitches, but yours is great- pulled me right in. i liked the concept. if i can make any suggestion, it would be to do less telling the reader how she feels. i think the background about her husband and present scene with the kids make this clear enough.
i liked the detail of the 'milk float'. it helps make an otherwise average sort of situation stand out. you have created a sympathetic main character here.
you need a punctuation edit, but that's no biggie.
thanks for the read!

I love the concept here. This is perfect Mummy lit. Every mother out there will be able to relate to Grace. First time in ages I’ve read a book where I’ve completely fallen for the MC. I wish Grace was real, I think we’d make great friends lol.
This read like a breeze from the very opening sentence. Light and easy and 100% right for its intended genre.
Intentionally or not, it’s a very thought provoking story. I truly empathise with Grace and find myself thinking what the hell I would do in her situation.
Only tiny fault I can find is the cover. A site generic cover always turns me off a book (it’s very bland and doesn’t stand out). This is a super read and it would be such a pity to lose potential backers over something so easily changeable.
The very very best of luck with GRACE, I hope it gets all the readers it deserves.

Sue
This is a great story and at times could almost be my biography! I think most mums have felt like Grace at some point and you've captured it just right. The book certainly deserves a wider audience and I hope you have great success with it.
Jane

Shame that this dosent have a propper cover I'm sure it would benefit. I got lost in the hectic life that Grace maintains whilst her errant husband gets up to no good in the jungle. Fab story, great characterisation I hope this does well for you.

Amelia
A Date In The Diary

Sure this will be a treat
a NEW BOOK FROM THE CREATOR OF LIAM REILLY!