Nephilim

Fantastic beginning. Will read more. Have you read Christopher Moore's take on angels?

Thanks so much Jolly Old Saint, I look forward to hearing your views. I haven't read Christopher Moores work, but I am seeking it out as it would be nice to read another male author angel book. I will have a dip at your own works in return but I may be slow as up to Christmas I barely get time to blink with being a teacher. Thanks again.

Best Wishes

Martyn

Fantastic beginning. Will read more. Have you read Christopher Moore's take on angels?

Hiya
I've readthe prolouge and the first two chapters. There's a few little things but I see they've already been pointed out by others. I love angel stories, even if people say they're not that original, but there's a lot that can be done with them. I like the fact that it's from a male POV, I've not seen many in YA. Anyway, There's a lot of positives, so, I'm going to back it.
Kitty

Thanks Funky Kitty

It definitely isn't a girls angel story and I am glad you liked it enough to read more. There is a smarter version out on smashwords and kindle if you have one - very cheap. I bet you were going to comment on the first line like other people, it seems to be a sticky point but I was trying to humanize them right from he start. I'm glad you are going back to it and thanks for your feedback and backing. Let me know how it pans out for you.

Martyn

Hiya
I've readthe prolouge and the first two chapters. There's a few little things but I see they've already been pointed out by others. I love angel stories, even if people say they're not that original, but there's a lot that can be done with them. I like the fact that it's from a male POV, I've not seen many in YA. Anyway, There's a lot of positives, so, I'm going to back it.
Kitty

I've enjoyed what I've read of this. YA from a male perspective is rare so it's refreshing as well. Sebastian has a great voice, he talks and sounds exactly like a teenage boy. It threw me a little with the first paragraph talking about taking a crap but once I read more of his narration, it faded. It's got a ton of potential, angel stories are popular right now. Great descriptions. I alwos like the first person present, it's a hard tense to write in and from what I've seen, you do it nicely. I've got this on my WL and I'll star it now. It will go on the shelf sometime, you've got a few ahead of you.

Keep up the good work, I'll read more when I have time.
Missy

Hi Martyn,

I finally got a chance to check out Nephilim. I've had it on my WL for a while...was really intrigued by the pitch.

Cover: Love it. Great asthetics. Simple, but effective.
Title: Like cover, simple, effective. Intriguing.
Short pitch: I’ve thought it very effective to say what kind of story it is in a pitch. I think you can do without “fast paced action fantasy,” but that may be just me.
Long pitch: In the pitch you may need to be more descriptive. I can deduce who “the Fallen” are because I know what Nephilim is, but don’t assume your readers will get this. Maybe “fallen souls” or something. Just an opinion.
Some small punctuation errors, mainly spots lacking commas where they’re needed. Mind the subordinate clauses .

Otherwise, I love it. It’s one of the reasons I WLed it in the first place.

Chapter One
Not sure why “them” is in italics.
“He’s a priest in Venice, in Italy” should be “He’s a priest in Venice, Italy”

Chapter Two
Some small stuff, but nothing significant.

I like this a lot. It has been done several times (kind of reminds me of a more serious version of Dogma), but I love how you present it and you have enough unique qualities to it that doesn’t make me feel like I’ve read this before. High star mark, for sure. I’ll be recommending this to folks.

Thanks and good luck.

If you're interested, I'd invite you to check out my pitch and if you like it to read more. I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback.

All the best!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Backing my own book was an accident. Fat fingers and was actually trying to read it on here to see how it looked. :)

Thank you so much for the comments, Bethany. I am surprised to see how this work is so popular with a female audience when I really thought it targeted boys. Not that I am complaining, but it has been very unexpected. It is selling quite well on Amazon kindle but obviously paperback is all of our aim. I appreciate you taking the time to write such a lengthy review and hope you enjoy the rest when you finally (fingers crossed) read the whole thing.

Best Wishes

Martyn

. . . . . Annnd you leave us hanging, chomping at the bit for more. Very well written! I was shocked to see the name Sebastian, not many use this name, however it took my attention because I too have a character named Sebastian in one of my latest books (not on this sight). Surprisingly not much different from your Sebastian except in age--mine is hundreds of years old and looks it. However he is the only good within an evil place. I am pleased that your Sebastian has his friends to count on, I truly hope he continues to have them and none perish, I hate Belial-- I guess that's the whole idea. You made him evil enough for me to despise straight off. Your picture words are truly revealing. I saw exactly the place they were and there quarters and I am endeared by the fact that even though they have lost their beloved Brother Tobias, I feel as if he will come to them again, if only in their minds or their hearts. The ones we love are never really gone from us. I wonder though, is Uriel, Tobias's (Simiel's) brother, or some such counter half to him. Is that why they must find him? I have so many questions and am looking forward to them being answered once this book is published, for I feel it has a very good chance! Once it is published, I will be adding it to my true bookshelf at home!! Best Wishes!!

Thank you Ashleigh for the positive feedback. I have had this with agents who think the opening may be too descriptive - too much tell and not enough show - but authonomy readers seem to disagree in many cases. Glad you like it. If you get to the end of the sample (please forgive the few errors I know are trapped in there) then let me know and I will let you have a sneak preview of more. This goes for all others commment makers too. Best wishes and good luck with your own works - which I will have a look at in thanks for your taking the time to put something in words here.

Martyn

I have skimmed through your first chapter and I like what I'm seeing. You have a way of grabbing the reader and throwing them into the story. I am putting you on a watch list so I can keep up with your book. Keep up the good work and best of luck to you!

Ashley

Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I knew whilst reading your opening line I would love this book!
I've had to drag myself away to leave a comment. Wow, this is amazing! It is so effortless and enjoyable to read, I feel like this person telling me their story is a friend.
The narrative is relaxed but it really brings you into the story. I loved the fact that Sebastian went to Disneyland! I want to kick myself for not getting to this sooner.
I wait rate you six stars for now, and if this continues the way I hope, I shall back it when I have space on my shelf.
I wish you all the best, thank you for making my monday a happy one.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

I knew whilst reading your opening line I would love this book!
I've had to drag myself away to leave a comment. Wow, this is amazing! It is so effortless and enjoyable to read, I feel like this person telling me their story is a friend.
The narrative is relaxed but it really brings you into the story. I loved the fact that Sebastian went to Disneyland! I want to kick myself for not getting to this sooner.
I wait rate you six stars for now, and if this continues the way I hope, I shall back it when I have space on my shelf.
I wish you all the best, thank you for making my monday a happy one.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Thank you for taking the time to comment Rena. I was hoping that my story would appeal to a different audience than the usual angel stories and I am happy that you liked the perspective I have taken, it was a hard decision to write this in the first person as generally the advice is don't. I am going to have another look at the first chapter again, I appreciate your constructive comments and will bear them in mind. Please do read more and let me know what you think. And yes, it is a YA work.

Best wishes

Martyn

I was interested in reading this because I really love angel stories.

I really like your main character's voice. Even though the angel thing has been done and redone - I felt your voice sounded fresh and the perspective of your main character was approachable and new. I'm not sure if this is classified as Young Adult fiction or not but it had that feel to it.

One thing I would say is there is too much explanation in the first chapter. I liked the first paragraph or so and the whole second chapter because it was told in that voice. Perhaps let these details unfold more naturally tucked into Sebastian's narrative and let us hear more of his voice especially in the first chapter. That is what drew me in to begin with.

Otherwise I really liked this and would like to read more when I get a chance.

All the best,

Rena (bunderful)

Thank you, Ruth, I appreciate that. I thought I might have got something with this one. Shirtless, ripped angels making girls swoon seemed to be the in thing so I wanted to do angels without that. They say white is the new black and angels are the new vampires, I wanted to show that angels could be 'black' too. I have also turned this into a film script and it is about to start winging its way out into movie land (at the 99.99% chance of failure - but hope is what keeps us all going, right?)

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Best Wishes and good luck with your own projects.

Martyn

What an intriguing idea! I enjoyed your opening and will be back for more. You're on my watchlist.