Emergence

You begin this with an excellent sense of tension and mystery. Right away, the reader is left wondering who this girl is and where she came from. I also like the mystery of the mark on her skin. Nice start.

Your sentences flow well together, and your word choice is top notch. From the first chapter, I can tell you're gifted writer.

The characterization is strong early on, especially with Iris. There's definitely more to her than meets the eye, and I'm curious to see what she's hiding. You've defined the characters well and made them all likeable.

Once she began hearing the voices in her head, I became hooked. I wonder if you could get to this sooner? Before this moment the story was interesting, but the voices served as a stronger hook. I also liked, "She doesn't know me," Iris answered for her. "But I might know of her." Intriguing.

I liked the end of the first chapter, but I wonder if you could raise the stakes a bit more to keep your reader hooked? You wouldn't even need to change the events; I think it could be accomplished simply through rewording.

This is well-edited, and it was nice to sit back and read this without having to jot down typos.

Suggestions: Some of the sentences can be tightened. For example, why not: "She stood on the glistening wet cobbles of a narrow street. Beyond the gutters, vendors sold their wares to passersby, but thankfully showed no interest in her." Here I eliminated wordiness, unnecessary words, and the telling (rather than showing). Along the same lines, you use quite a few adverbs. I'd comb through your manuscript and see if you can cut any. Your writing is vivid and detailed, and if you can apply these strategies to all of your sentences, this would be some of the best writing I've come across on the site. The only other thing I can think to suggest is that you tap into Melhiera's mind a bit more. I'd love to feel the confusion she feels as she desperately tries to remember anything at all.

This is an outstanding start. Solid writing, well-developed characters, and a mystery-driven plot made this a quick, enjoyable opening. Great work!

This is a real diamond. Not fully cut to bring out the best of its shine, but clearly a diamond nonetheless.

I've actually had to take notes as I go; this deserves much more attention than a general comment.

The characterization is superb; Iris and Melheira leap off the page and into life. The dialogue contributes to this enormously, but the descriptions and mannerisms are vividly realised too.

Okay, first criticism, such as it is; the setting is wonderfully visualised, but somewhat out of focus. Each sentence holds a lovely image, but there's some effort entailed, a mental squint, required to see exactly what we're being shown. I wouldn't suggest re-writing anything, but rather re-jigging some of the sentence structure to make things clearer; move some words and commas around, perhaps cut a couple of adjectives.

The only real time this stands out though is when Iris mentions that they're in a village; the opening impression of the place was more of a city or town. Having lived in all three, I can confidently say that there's a palpable difference in the feeling of each. This could be a complex fix (altering the whole opening description) or very simple; just drop the word "village" into the opening paragraph. I'd apply a bit of Occam's Razor and go with the simplest option.

The only other thing, is that I wouldn't use contractions in the narrative; using them only in the dialogue subtly helps get the characters' voices across, but you manage that just fine, especially with Iris.

EMERGENCE
This is an interesting story. Melhiera is a good main character. She’s likable because she’s both likable and sympathetic because she’s been dropped into this strange world with no memory as to who she is. The mark on her hand is intriguing, particularly because Iris has the same mark. I like the way you describe everything in detail (the aroma of the bath, the exact menu for dinner, the way the house looks . . .). Really lets a reader feel as if they’re seeing everything through Melhiera’s eyes. A small thing: on the first page, should “attracting customs” be “attracting customers”? Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi, this is good.
I liked the way you drew Melhiera's fear so convincingly - and also the way her confusion and disorientation develope.
Anuda looks interesting, but I'm not a fan of wise old ladies, I'm afraid. Nevertheless you line up the mysteries nicely, persuading us that if only we'll turn the page, all manner of secrets will fall out ;)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale.

A return read, and my apologies for taking so long to get back to you. I have no excuse…

Pitches - Not bad. Not great, but not bad. They tell me what I need to know, but could maybe be jigged around a bit for a bit more punch (but maybe that’s just me - I don’t normally read this genre so I “need” something punchy to draw me in). Re-reading it, I’ve spotted an error - you say “whose sudden appearance….are as much a mystery” where it should be “is”.

C1 - I remember this from the Agents thread. I’m still not sure about the sentence “To her, it was not even a consideration”. Your pitch makes it sound like she doesn’t know who she is or where she’s come from, but this sentence (and her astonishing lack of reaction to her sudden materialisation) suggests she’s aware of what’s going on. So, straight from the off I’m confused. Ok - her fear comes afterwards, but that opening paragraph still threw me.

The bath - I can’t work out how the water was warm?

General comment about the 2 chapters I read - there were a few paragraphs I found quite dense and difficult to follow (generally between Iris and her grandson). I know I’m supposed to be confused to a certain extent - but I prefer to be curious rather than confounded. I also wasn’t sure about some of the language. If the girl is supposed to be 12 or 13, she has a fantastic vocabulary. I’m only saying this because numerous people have told me my 6 year old’s vocabulary is too adult. You can get away with most of it because you’re telling the story from a narrative 3rd person voice rather than deep POV, but it’s maybe something to bear in mind….actually, my issue is that you do a lot of telling rather than showing. That’s maybe just your style, but I’m very aware of it as I read and don’t get pulled into the characters as a result.

I think this is well written, in that I didn’t find many grammatical errors or typos. It’s not my genre so I don’t know how it compares to anything already on the market. Good luck with it.

So I'm really intrigued. Why can't she rememeber anything? I need to read on...love it! I really have no complaints about your writing style or the dialogue flow...everything comes really natural to you.

I would say the only thing that sort of frustrated me...only a tiny bit...was how long it took for her name to come out. I feel like the mysterious "she" gets a bit tedious especially in that first paragraph. I think you could give us her name right away and it wouldn't deter (unless of course she couldn't remember her name, but we find out that isn't the case so we could get it earlier) Plus, I really hate hate hate to say this, but I can't get past the fact that her name sounds like the disease. Was that intentional? Perhaps I need to read more of the story, but it did bother me.

I hope you aren't offended by that bit, because like I said, I think you are a natural. Thanks again for your comments on war of the wastelands. I will be back for more.

Sara

Your chapters are quite long, so I think I'll split my comment into two parts so I don't forget anything.

Chapters 1 and 2:
Really enjoyed them, overall. Melhiera, Anudas and Iris are all very good characters; I'm always fond of the epic old lady thing. Hard to tell much about the plot yet, but with secret cave hideouts and hand-tattoo sororities it seems like it has the potential to go places fantasy readers will love. You have a good descriptive ability without going overboard; I could really picture Iris's house and the cliff but I wasn't bored by them. And there's some great turns of phrase in there. My favourites: "Either that or she was racing headlong towards madness," and, "...but she was beginning to think he spent a lot of time saying nothing, and this remained true even when he was speaking." Lol.

My only real criticism would be that the first part of the first chapter didn't grab me. Not that it was badly written or anything, I just found it sort of tough going until they got to Iris's house. This is just my opinion, but I feel like some more visceral portrayal of Melhiera's frightened, disjointed thoughts might have livened things up. Nitpicks: the words 'toilet' and 'top' in reference to clothing seemed a bit out of place for the time period, and the bath-heating system mystified me, but then I'm a nerd.

Looking forward to reading the next three chapters.

I love how this story kicks off straight away. There is a good use of language here, you don't need to resort to cliches or overused phrases. The reader is plunged straight into the story, which I personally love! Your characters are strong, believable and realistic. I especially like Iris, who seems like a protective grandmother figure, which I find are always the best characters in any novel, fantasy or otherwise.

I like the use of humour, but sometimes the paragraphs seem a little wordy and over descriptive. This can be a good thing, as it adds extra detail to your setting, but maybe a few sentances in there could be trimmed? Or it could just be personal preference :)

I like it, watchlisted and starred :)

Hi DM,
This is a really great story, I've only read up to chapter four, but I love the character Melhiera and am wondering what is going to happen next!
I've backed you, this is my kind of read, pure fantasy tale. Love it.
JM40

I read 2 chapters and enjoyed the read and the way the story was developing.

Rather than dwell on the good points of your writing and structure, which were obvious for me to have read two chapters, I would like to point out two minor points, which are simply my personal preferences.

The first one is the opening sentence. - The youg girl appeared suddenly on the street.

"Appeared" doesn't in my mind seem strong enough to grab my attention or to adequately describe her mysterious entry to this world, whereas - "The young girl materialised out of nowhere on the street" or something like that, would evoke more of a picture of what is taking place.

Secondly, I can appreciate the third eye POV to start the ball rolling. but there are a few instances of head hopping that could be addressed to ensure the POV remains with Melheira once the story settles in to its pace.

As an example

The woman saw the look in her eye and smiled at her ( referring to Lira looking at Melhiera) I would have preferred it to be - Malheira noticed the woman's gaze in to her eyes and smiling, the woman said "......Maybe if the sentence came after the speach it wouldn't have seemed like a change of POV.

The other instance is where Malheira is hidden behind the cart and the woman is peering over the top. I just thought that this paragraph could be structured from Malheiras POV rather than the third eye.

The same in Chapter 2

Kya looked over to Anudas who ^*** had forgotton their quarrel and were both watching with interest.

maybe adding ---- who appeared to Malheiras, to have forgotton ............. would bring it back in to POV.

Everything in this story ticks the boxes I would look for in a read without my writers hat on. Good luck with finding an agent or publisher.

This gets off to a good start :) the idea of this girl appearing out of nowhere and how you described it really drew and made me want to find out what was going on, and then you continue to dish out tantalising clues as the first chapters go on. I think a little mystery and suspense is great, especially in a fantasy setting.

The characters are easy to get on with as well. Melhiera seems to say a lot of things quietly, which jarred with me only because I always read that as being a grave, serious tone, when you probably just mean that she's reserved.

I also like the names you use - sometimes fantasy names can sound a bit contrived or over the top, but yours roll off the tongue nicely :)

KT

A great example of fantasy! Love the names you use on your characters and the locations. Your writing is full of imagination and gives the reader a vivid image. I know you're in the middle of an edit so I won't go any deeper than I realy enjoyed this. I think it's got a ton of potential and it drew me in from the first sentence. I'll read more as it sits on my watchlist waiting for its turn on my shelf. I think this book deserves to be higher.

Missy

I have taken a look and i like the start. The characters are very good and the dialogue works very well.

Very good.

All the best

Timmy
Asylum

this was an interesting read. your descriptions are so vivid and realistic that i could imagine everything in my head perfectly. im definitly intrigued to know who malhiera is and how she ended up where she is. i dont really have much to critique on this- it was a very smooth read. rated highly and good luck with this.
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Hi,

So, you have an interesting story here that held my attention. The first chapter leaves plenty of mystery and the writing is smooth and convincing. My only suggestion would be to not overuse the word slightly. She nodded, or she stepped back will suffice.

I'm not fond of the title, but that's me.
I think this will go far.

Susanne

Hey DM, I'm here to comment at last.

You have a very nice story here, with plenty of myster surrounding Melhiera. You descriptions are very vivid and give the reader a wonderful view of your world. That being said, I think you may have jumped into them a bit too early, which slowed the pace of your story (at least for me). It might work well to put a bit more of what is happening into your descriptions. I would also like to know more of what Melhiera is thinking and feeling when she first arrives. She has no memory, does she notice? Is she frightened or panicking? Why does she stand still, looking around rather than run and hide?

Your writing style is excellent, though it seems you've sprinkled a few extra commas in here and there. Other than that, I've got very few nitpicky things for you.

“The girl herself was barely aware that she hadn’t arrived by the usual means, but didn’t think to question it;...” For some reason this sentence bothers me... I think it’s because I think that if she was barely aware it’s a given that she won’t think of it. To me it sounds as if she is fully aware that she arrived by abnormal means, but was in no state to question it. It could just be me, but it might be worth revising.

Be careful of the overuse of “street”.

“Melhiera obeyed, and Iris took her by the wrist and...” The repetition of “and” caught me here. I’d suggest making it two sentences. “Melhiera obeyed. Iris took her by the wrist...”


You've set up an intriguing plot very quickly and I can see you've put a lot of work into developing a believable world. Great job, and good luck!

JC

Hi You build tension well. Good characterisations. This still needs some editing to make it shine. I am surprised Melhiera goes with Iris without any hesitation. Also, we get no sense of colour of the market place. Melhiera doesn't try to lock the bathroom door. She is very trusting. Why?
Also, a lot of the sentence are passive. E.g. 'Melhiera's eyes fell to the ground.' Passive and eyes do not fall they stare, look, gaze etc. What about changing the sentence to read... Melhiera hung her head or looked down....

Cheers Olga

DM it looks like you have changed the title of your book. Its better than the last one. And i only had time for your first ch. And i enjoyed it. I actually work for army so i am on my mobile but I will back it if I Move to pc. I will also give you some constructive comments then.

Sharples
You make your reader think from the beginning. The suspense of your story start from the first line of the first chapter. I was very impressed with your start. I would have been much more happier if you have described the looks of Melhiera in the beginning. I know you have described her in the bathroom when she looks her face in the broken mirror and that too in a very impressive way. But, its really a very later part of the chapter and you know your first chapter is too long. I don't have any problem with the length of your first chapter. It's that I was unable to visualize Malhiera's looks in the streets and then while her conversation with Iris. I do like Anudas entry. The conversation at the table was going on very well for me until Melhiera figured out the same mark which she had on Iris's hand. I wasn't too impressed with Iris's explanation and how easily Malhiera trusted her. Maybe I am wrong and others would like it. But, I think Malhiera should have asked more questions to Iris their mark and would not get convinced by the answers and had a little bit doubt about Iris helping her. I will also suggest you to name the village in which they were.
In the second chapter I liked the action part. I also liked Adunas commenting on Malhiera's weight. But I didn't liked Malhiera hitting Adunas on his chest. I don't think she at that time was too friendly to get physical with him. I think she should have replied with words. I did liked the way Adunas moved the rocks to open that door or whatever it was. Tunnels are a good idea. The way the five of them met and talked in the room was believable.
I do like your writing. The story line is going on well although I could not figure out much from the first two chapters. But if you read the previous comments then you will figure out that almost all of them are based on your first chapter and thats why I would like to point out at a major factor. And that would be that you don't end your chapters in a page turning way. Like the first chapter according to me if you would have ended it with Malhiera noticing the mark on Iris hands then you would have made your readers go for the next chapter. And maybe at the end of the second chapter you would have revealed a secret then they would have gone with the third.
I really think that your story is going in a good direction but you need to work on your chapter endings to make it a page turner.

Best wishes.
Evigo

Hi
Yours is a great plot, specially its beginning with a suspense about the identity of the girl. Your characters are well crafted and story flows well. The story engages the reader and keep him guessing. I could not find any typos or other language mistakes. You have posted the text in a professional way. This must reach market.
With Best Wishes
Ajay

- The Mark Bearer's Path -

(chapters one to three)

It's difficult for me to assess fantasy properly as I'm not customarily a reader of the genre and I don't possess the skills to write in it myself but I was impressed with what I read here. The manuscript appears to be polished and the writing tight and accomplished.

The opening chapter hooks the reader in with the intrigue over where Melhiera has come from and we find her a sympathetic character from the start, due to the difficulty of her situation. This is particularly so during her first interaction with Iris, when she begins to sob. The chapter ends with a further intriguing hook as the mysterious oice which speaks to Mehiera gives us some more clue into how her story may unravel.

The second chapter is a nice change of pace with the possible threat of violence overhanging the opening scene and this developing into something unexpected in terms of Melhiera's reaction. When she leaves the house with Iris's son to the caverns the plot begins to thicking and deepen as more characters are introduced. This carries on into the third chapter too.

In terms of constructive feedback, I'm afraid I only have a few small nitpicks.

- 'The street was narrow but far from the claustrophobic nature of an alleyway.' This seemed a strange way of painting an image for me. It seems to be telling the reader the stet was narrow but not all that narrow, which is not a strong image in the mind. I'd o with either narrow or wide as the reader will probaly see that better. 'claustrophobic nature' also seemed a strange way of phrasing things.

- In chapter two, Iris's release of fire is described in a rather matter-of-fact manner. I'd have liked a bit more description and something of Melhiera's surprise at seeing the old woman involved in the same action that has so startled her about herself.

- There should be a comma before the question tag in 'That won't do will it?' (chapter one)

- I think there should be commas before names in dialogue, which appear to be missing throughout. For example, 'I'm sorry Kya.' (chapter three)

As I say, I'm not a great judge of the genre but I'm certain The Mark Bearer's Path will appear to a fantasy readership.

All the best with it,

Ross

Alright, my comments consist of a spew of random thoughts as I read. That's just how I roll...

I would go with "and she didn't think to question it" the "but" suggests you are contradicting the first statement, and you aren't.

Personally I wouldn't use clearly twice here. I'd describe why they appeared old but well maintained, thus avoiding the repetition of the word.

Love the description of how the building support each other. Very good.

Muntyfruit? Really???

OK, I stopped commenting because I really got into it and forgot! Nice work. I'll be back to read more soon.

[The Mark Bearer's Path: Emergence]

Melhiera steps out in a world she doesn't know, still she walks around as if nothing really happened. Shouldn't she be surprised? Shouldn't she be worried? She would look confused to say the least, ask questions like: where am I? What date is it?

In that way she may get in touch with the old lady, who starts to ask her name. She hesitates, opens her mouth and closes it again before she finally tells her. Melhiera.

And then she can start weeping.

Also, if she was so confused, would she remember Iris' name even though the woman told it to her? And when she offers that money... Wow - this old lady really is a saint. SHe not even want to be paid, she even tells her she could have bought her cart for half the bag.

I, on the other hand, would have taken the money and offered her the products she wanted. I might even have said it bought her some board as well. I don't think Melhiera would remember asking for that being in such a panic of not knowing where she is.

Also, when she walks with Iris, how can she think all those things about harvest and summer and such. She would be trying to figure out where she was, what had happened to her and maybe she would fire away all kinds of questions until Iris told her to be silent, or something.

A great story. Once she is in the house and meets Anudas, the story really starts off. Finally she starts to ask some of the questions I would have asked a very long time ago. I agree that the voices could maybe come earlier. Start with those before you slightly work your way back. If you do that, you can skip the fear and panic and give a more subdued version of what happened.

I don't understand that the old lady and her grandson didn't say anything when those strangers came. Let them question them; it will give her enough time to run. Maybe even leave some money for the old lady.

But no, the solution you provide is a far better one. Well done.She acts and saves them, though it does take a while. It would make more sense if she jumped down and immediately battled both with lightening coming from her hands. And then there is Iris, firing as well. Yes, this is great. It adds to the questions. And forget what I wrote first - it also explains why Iris wanted to help her.

Good story. Good writing skills. Apart from the few things I mentioned above, there is little for me to add.

Are you a fan of the ‘girl with the dragon tattoo’? I can see reflections of that in your premise and opening, certainly not a bad thing, there’s a massive market for this kind of suspense so you’re grabbed on to a clever hook and you execute it very well.
While I understand that you are aiming for the element of understated suspense in the opening paragraph I wonder if it isn’t slightly too subtle. I was expecting a stronger reaction from everyone. (that’s just purely my opinion, though)
You have excellent characters; incredibly real and exciting. The dialogue fit’s them perfectly and makes reading a pleasure. Iris is particularly interesting. I am very curious how she knows Melheira.
I quite enjoy the visuals here. I don’t like an excessive amount of description of a scene; I prefer to be pulled in by the characters and this is exactly what happened here. You have a great balance, a little bit of setting and lots of getting to know the characters, my favourite start to a story (again, purely my opinion).
All the very best with this, I definitely enjoyed what I read.
Janny.

I felt like I was reading a published novel going through this. I am instantly intrigued by Iris and how she knows little Melhiera's name. I found that you have a gift for story telling, that draws the reader in to your fantasy world. I know that this can be a hard task to do since I write fantasy myself. So well done! Your dialogue was well done and seemed like a natural exchange. I am going to be coming back for more of this story! Can't wait to see where this one is going to go!

Best,
Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

DM - the return read. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with my comments as you wish. You've asked me to specifically look at the characters (you indicated the main protagonist but I'm unclear who that is) and plot build in the first 3 Chapters.

The read comes across immidiately as clearly written in terms of the background descriptions, with a slow lead into the girl and her appearance. Because you've asked me to focus on this I'll try to cover my own perceptions.

The opening pargraph could be stronger I felt - you've downplayed both the girls reaction and also that of eveyrone around her - she just appears yet no-one is surprised. From there the girl, we later discover to be Melheira, is almost secondary to the more powerful desriptions of the streets she is in. Then the interaction with the old woman I again feel is underwritten emotionally. The old woman may have no knowdge of her background and the initial exchange of dialogue and the sympathy works, but having almost broken down as she tells the old lady she has absolutely no idea where she is from, she quickly stops crying. I'm not connecting to the reality of her response to the situation she is in.

I've been very direct with those comments as you asked. The writing is still good but I'm not empathising with Melheira perhaps as well as we could and that would not require too serious an edit.

Next section Iris didn't speak to Melheira... leaving her to her thoughts - could read as though iris was thinking.

You continue with strong descriptive passages, the walk back, the house and the bath. Nice easy flow and no typos. It's only when the voice appears Melheira feels more connected and there's some tug - even then with a soft and reassuing inner voice,I feel a young girl would be far more scared. And then she switches offto the inner voice and the focus is on her salivary glands and food. Just my own thoughts.

The tweaks to the readers interest are there, particularly with Grandma's comment that Melheira may not know Iris but iris may know her, and that continues with Iris's own thoughts right to the end of the Chapter.

Chapter 2 and there's a faster pace now, with Melheira almost a different person, suddenly more aware, with this inner voice. You've offered a backdrop to her life with the arrival of the men and then her powers. The writing continues to work for me, particularly the descriptive passages and the strong dialogue but my own impressions of Milheira continue to be mixed - is she a young girl and if so why isn't she scared about her loss of memory and super powers, or is she something special. Her reactions I'm afraid dont quite work.

I'm not usually a reader of fantasy and Chapter 3 clarifies much for me. Her dream is good and supportive of the story. You've added some magic and allowedour imagination towork. It's when Melheira is an ordinary girl, and unemotional, that I've been asking for more.

The other charactersare stronger, particularly Iris as she becomes the one drip feeding the story to us. She knows,or suspects who the girl is and it's now to her we wish to return as she's the character driving the story.

DM - I've no serious questions about your story and despite the fact this is not my usual genre, could visualise the story as it unfolded. But Melheira comes acvross at 2 levels and particularly when she's just a young girl, her response to her sitation,losss of memory and strange inner voice, I felt didn't work for me. That would not take much editing and I'd certainly not suggest changing anything unless you've had other similar feedback. If you do edit, I do take on rereads. Trust that assists. Best. Steve.

I like the mystery that surrounds the girl and the fact it's set in Borneo.
I'd like to know the age of the girl, earlier on. A girl can be any age from small child to a teenager, or even adult.
When I read I like to have a mental picture of the characters. I found myself going up and down the age scale as I read the first chapter, starting from small child, then upwards.
Other than that, I found the book well written, with an interesting plot.

I read the opening paragraphs to The Mark Bearer's Path: Emergence and felt great sympathy for little Melhiera. I was touched by the kindness of Iris who wanted to help the poor frightened girl. You certainly have a sympathetic protagonist and I wish I had more time to read into the story, but I enjoyed what I've read so far.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Great opening! Nicely paced and descriptive.

Thanks for sharing your story.

~Sherry
http://www.sherrysoule.com

There is a lot of mystery surrounding your MC. i am intrigued and will come back later to read more about her. You are very good at captivating your readers and I wish you lots of luck. :)

This is a really good read and I love the nebumorph concept. The mystery of Meliera's life and her journey with the gang moves forward at a steady pace. The dialogue is very strong and each character's voice is clear. The villain Morgold is nicely pawned in a game played by higher powers and his motivation is very clear.

There are some tiny edits, the odd typo or missed out word. I agree with previous comments regarding adjectives and adverbs. A few could be cut, particularly eg "she vaguely heard ..." in Ch 2 to "she heard". We know she is asleep so 'vague' is overkill. A careful examination as to whether a word is needed to enhance the writing or not will clear up a lot, but also cause you to lose a few words.

More on the history of Halbot and how they lost all the fish is a suggestion for more words, and there are other places where a bit of history would not go astray. For example the Helga history in Ch 4 is wonderfully done, and the whole river scene is beautifully written.

It's a little short for a fantasy novel complete. Would you be aiming for the teen fantasy market? Then it is ok length wise.

Overall this is a great read, I've enjoyed every word and love the magic and fantasy concepts at work. You have a strong contender for publishing here. :)

This is a great example of why I love Fantasy, you take us someplace new and exciting. I'm curious about the girl and it makes me want to read on. You have done an awesome job on the beginning and that is a big part of grabbing the reader, as is giving them a voice they will love reading. I'm starring this for now and will shelve soon. If I get a chance I'll read more too! Three chapters in and I'm hooked.

Missy
I'd love to know what you think of my book, no rush though!

Hello,

Well, as I said before...well done! I remember what I critiqued but I can't find anything this time. It's well written and dynamic. I like the setting. Of course I am a buff from that time period and you picked my favorite genre so that makes it much easier. I made it to ch3. Still nothing to correct. An editor might find more than I did but I really enjoyed reading it and that's all that counts... the reader..

God job!

Backed with pleasure :) (again)

An excellent beginning can go a long way D M. The mystery around the memory loss, the mark and the hidden knowledge of Iris did the trick. I got hooked right away and I let myself go up to the point that I thought -same as with books I buy from a store- I would want to take a break. That happened somewhere in the third chapter.
The taste I got from your storytelling was a peaceful one. A story told by the fire late at night. You are very detailed and you offered a strong focus on Melhiera (awesome name by the way, along with Sprogg) , following her thoughts every moment.
It dawned to me that this whole village is something more than it seems to be, once I got to know the characters and Sprogg denies the trip to Halbot saying "Iris can't keep the village safe alone" or something close to that. There is something going on in this village. Something important! I liked that, although I have a feeling that you have led the plot out of the village.
You must have spent some serious time editing your work. Kudos there. I only have one slip-up, somewhere in the second chapter you say at a beginning of a sentence "The Iris..." making the old lady an object.
Plot- wise I could comment in a greater extense, as that is my personal favorite part of a fantasy novel. You know? Why is it all happening? So after fifteen years of reading almost everything there is in this genre, I find it somehow shallow to follow one character's perspective. And although your focus on Melhiera, as I have previously mentioned, makes her an interesting character, the lack of more information on the plot eventually caught up with me. I felt I needed more. I felt that the storyteller was hovering over feelings and thoughts, whereas he should have pushed the plot further. Maybe that's just me. I thought that maybe the trip to Halbot could have began within the second chapter. Your call.
Also. The voices in Melhiera's head clung a bit awkward to me. A bit childish so to say. Their use in your plot is to push Melhiera to do stuff where she wouldn't normally act at all. Ok, I got that. But it is all served as a given. Somehow, a girl that has no recollection of anything whatsoever simply goes to follow some voices in her head. That somehow needs to be explained. Needs to be shown. She is taking it all very lightly. Crying doesn't cut it. :D
Despite my concerns it stands as the most interesting fantasy story I've encountered in here. Fully rated. And backed until something better comes my way.

All the best!
Yannis

Okay chapter two and here we have two difficult tropes in one scene; first, the initial discovery of the hitherto-unknown power. Not easy to handle, you seemed to struggle a bit with it ; I'd suggest less internal monologue and more external action, more sensory information and emotional reaction (for example, how does that burning human flesh smell and does it make Melheira feel ill? Does the screaming upset her?). "Show, don't tell", in other words., but also "go for it!" We've apparently got some kind of undead villain, so kill it with magical fire! Burn zombie scum! Obviously he's a recurring villain, so they can't actually kill him... but they can have a bloody good try. Fantasy is largely about exaggeration; don't be shy with the zombies and the magic, that's what people came to see.

The second tough scene happening is the Obi-Wan moment. This is hard because it's so familiar. Yes, it's cool, but it's difficult to do it smoothly so that the reader doesn't immediately think "Ah, Obi-Wan moment!"

From there, we're off on the quest, which is good; very pacey, nice quick-moving plot. None of what I've said is criticism; these are some challenging themes to cram into one chapter, the only thing I can suggest is to throw caution to the wind and ramp up the volume.

Duncan,
I started on "The Mark Bearer's Path" and haven't turned back. I found the action moving at a brisk pace as I followed Melhiera around, trying to overcome her amnesia while dealing with the evil men she came across. Your descriptives are vivid and the dialogue flows nicely, although if I were you, I would heed Stephen King's admonition to treat adverbs like so much excess baggage. For example, in the first sentence, I would eliminate "suprisingly" from "surprisingly unnoticed" and step back to appreciate how much strionger the sentence has become. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I love the mystery you paint in the beginning paragraphs. I think it works that you don’t overshare the background of this girl, rather placing her in an odd situation.

I do think this chapter needs a bit of elbow grease. There are grammatical errors (such as misuse of semicolons and a lack of necessary commas) that need some tending to. There are also some awkward word choices. For instance, words don’t evaporate, so it doesn’t make sense for the girl’s words to evaporate before reaching her lips. The breath that carries the words can evaporate. That would make sense.

The dialogue is pretty good, and as I said before, I love the mystery you’ve established early on. I think if it can be cleaned up a bit it would really help hold the reader. Right now, though, I think the grammar and flow is holding you back a bit in some parts. Just something to chew on. Keep with this. It definitely has promise.

Excellent descriptive writing. I love the fairytale feel to the beginning of this story.
Your sentances and your narrative flows well. You have a good voice.
The mystery is intriguing.
I GIVE IT 6 STARS AND YOURE BACKED.
junetee
(FOUR CORNERS)

Well written, great character narrative, and keeps the reader guessing. Hard to make any detailed comments, but maybe in some areas the paragraphs are a little long, particularly in dialogue. And sometimes pace can be speeded up by the way sentences are structured. Either shorter, or by joining them in different places than you have. Sometimes readers don't need all the detail that we as writers think we need give them. Best of luck with the book. Ian

Hi, I found this very interesting and the writing is really good. You set the mood very well to begin with and pacing is done skillfully as well. You use good expressions and descriptions.

Something that caught my attn was "as if she were talking to a dumb animal," which seemed overdone. It didn't seem to fit entirely well in that context. There are few other places in dialogue or narrative where it doesn't sound as natural as I think it could be.

I feel there isn't much for me to add, other than that I think it's great. Some of what I could has already been said in some of the comments below. I'd have to read more to be sure, but so far this is a kind of story I like.

Cloey~
The Arrowheads of Amiraz
(Martial Arts Fantasy)

You begin this with an excellent sense of tension and mystery. Right away, the reader is left wondering who this girl is and where she came from. I also like the mystery of the mark on her skin. Nice start.

Your sentences flow well together, and your word choice is top notch. From the first chapter, I can tell you're gifted writer.

The characterization is strong early on, especially with Iris. There's definitely more to her than meets the eye, and I'm curious to see what she's hiding. You've defined the characters well and made them all likeable.

Once she began hearing the voices in her head, I became hooked. I wonder if you could get to this sooner? Before this moment the story was interesting, but the voices served as a stronger hook. I also liked, "She doesn't know me," Iris answered for her. "But I might know of her." Intriguing.

I liked the end of the first chapter, but I wonder if you could raise the stakes a bit more to keep your reader hooked? You wouldn't even need to change the events; I think it could be accomplished simply through rewording.

This is well-edited, and it was nice to sit back and read this without having to jot down typos.

Suggestions: Some of the sentences can be tightened. For example, why not: "She stood on the glistening wet cobbles of a narrow street. Beyond the gutters, vendors sold their wares to passersby, but thankfully showed no interest in her." Here I eliminated wordiness, unnecessary words, and the telling (rather than showing). Along the same lines, you use quite a few adverbs. I'd comb through your manuscript and see if you can cut any. Your writing is vivid and detailed, and if you can apply these strategies to all of your sentences, this would be some of the best writing I've come across on the site. The only other thing I can think to suggest is that you tap into Melhiera's mind a bit more. I'd love to feel the confusion she feels as she desperately tries to remember anything at all.

This is an outstanding start. Solid writing, well-developed characters, and a mystery-driven plot made this a quick, enjoyable opening. Great work!

Hi Duncan,

I like how you plunge the reader immediately into mysterious circumstances. The main character is as confused about her situation as the reader, encouraging sympathy and curiosity. Melhiera, Iris, and Anudas are appealing characters and I Iook forward to seeing how their relationships develop. A great start to an excellent series.

I am sending many stars your way and will back your book as shelf space allows. Well done and best of luck!

Deb
The Cave of Time
http://www.authonomy.com/books/33822/the-cave-of-time/

DM, here to return the read. I hope I can be as helpful to you as you were to me.

I find the opening interesting – a girl appearing from nowhere instantly raises questions as to who she is and where she came from – but I had a couple of problems with it.

First, I felt detached from what was going on. The first sentence is written from an omniscient POV, which immediately creates a feeling of distance. She appears – you say her mind was befuddled, but I don’t feel what that’s like – she starts walking. There is so much more I want to know here: what are her reactions? how is she feeling? what does she see and hear and smell? I wanted to be inside her head, but you only showed her to me from outside. I suspect this may be a fundamental difference in our writing styles: you found mine too heavy on the emotion, I think, whereas I found yours lacking. Maybe we need to meet somewhere in the middle :-)

Second, and related, the description of the surroundings appears to be all in the wrong order. You describe the buildings for a whole paragraph. Only then do you say there are people in front of them. If I were to find myself in a street lined with market stalls I’d notice the people first – the noise and the colour and the life – and the architecture a distant second. The only hint before para 3 that there are other people around comes from the two words ‘surprisingly unnoticed’, which suggest it very subtly.

The conversation with Iris that follows has similar issues POV-wise. For me, I hasten to add, because I’m pretty sure this is just a matter of personal preference. But though you’re telling me Melhiera is shocked or upset, I’m not really feeling it. It still seems as though you’re narrating the story from a detached perspective rather than being inside her head. Not knowing anything about who you are or where you come from has got to be disorientating, panic-inducing, terrifying. By the same token, I’d like a little more information about why Melhiera trusts Iris so immediately – because she’s clinging to a bit of kindness in a completely uncertain world? Because she feels instinctively she can trust her? Otherwise it seems naïve of her to go off with the first stranger she comes across.

Some more descriptive details of the background would help to bring the surroundings alive. I’m not really sure what sort of place we’re in, what sort of time period we’re dealing with, what the people look like – anything, really. I’m not suggesting paragraphs of description, but you could work some details into the existing narrative.

Reading on, there are aspects of this that feel rather familiar. Young person with special powers she didn’t know she had. Elderly knowledgeable person who holds off the shadowy bad guys while the hero(ine) escapes. Band of rebels hiding out in caves. That’s just the way it is in fantasy, I guess – but I want to know what makes this book different. To use a ghastly bit of marketing jargon, what’s your USP? (Sorry. I hate myself now. But I do think you need to make it clear what’s different about your story and your world that makes the book an attractive proposition for agents/publishers – if that’s what you want.)

Overall, I think you write competently and your story has appeal. I just didn’t find it grabbed me and urged me to read more. IMO you could really make it shine with a more distinctive voice and a greater sense of place.

Anyway, I hope this helps –I feel as though I’m being overly harsh, but I'm trying to be honest, and after all, you can always ignore me :-)

Hi Duncan,
I have read through the first chapter and I'm here to offer a few comments for what they are worth.
This is just my humble opinion as you know, so feel free to ignore.
I think you have the makings of a good fantasy story.
I really like the name you use for the old lady, Melhiera.
I think some of it seems a little over described and wordy, you may want to edit and crop some unnecessary narrative and trust your reader to fill in the gaps.
The two bottom sentences are just examples of how you might do this.
As I said, I am just passing on my own opinion, and I think with some cropping this story will fly off the page.
Cheers Jacoba

Melhera didn't understand what Iris meant, but nodded anyway.

After several minutes the tears dried up , Anudas shifted uncomfotably before clearing his throat.

When she finished scrubbing the muck off her skin it revealed a patterned mark. She looked at it dreamily, realising she'd probably been in the bath for too long.
She pulled herslef up and stepped onto the cold floor. The relative chill in the air cleared her head but her body shuddered as she reached for the towel and started to pat her body dry.
Hastening to find her clothes she turned to leave the bathroom, when a glint of silver caught her eye.

Nice writing. You have a great opening and great talent in writing. Will be back to read more.

Hey,

I've just finished chapter 5, and i was pleased to see that the quality of the previous chapters has continued to shine as the story develops. There is some great dialogue, excellent and wise descriptions. I find it pleasant just reading words you've written, as your style is quite majestic.
I will continue reading soon. I'm going to keep this on my shelf for as long as possible, as i feel it deserves it.

Regards,

M.Hagan

I loved the first line of your profile. Did the bumble bee escape without incident?
Apart from that, you asked me to read and I have read.
Really enjoyed it. It might need a bit of editing but it's easy enough to see past that.

Oh one other thing, I wasn't sure of the time period when I started out which is why I said "jeans and hoodie" then I realized she could be wearting a cape..lol silly me. In the opening maybe you could give an indication of the time period in some way. Cobble stone streets still exist like in Boston and such. I hope I didnt offend you. Take allt his with a grain of salt its merely my opinion :)

You write exactly they same way that I used to write. I am going to show you with paragraph one what I found in Ch1. I think this will be consistent throughout.

**The sudden appearance of a young girl in the middle of the street went surprisingly unnoticed**
Suggestion: The appearance of a young girl in the middle of the street went unnoticed.

**The girl herself was barely aware that she hadn't arrived by normal means , but didn't think to question it, her mind was befuddled and operating well out of reach of logic.**
Suggestion: The girl was barely aware that she had arrived by abnormal means, but didn't think to question it. Her mind was befuddled and operating well beyond the reach of logic.

Those are just a few examples. I noticed you said she was wearing a hood. You might give a description of her somewhere in there. the hood came out of left field and caught me off guard. Instead of saying " The sudden appearance of a young girl..." you might try "A young girl wearing jeans and a hoodie suddenly appeared in the middle of the street..." (just my opinion)

**The buildings lining each side, though clearly old, were just as clearly maintained.**
Suggestion: here you mentioned "clearly" twice. You might trying " Old buildings lined both sides of the alley, clearly they were maintained well."

Suggestion: "The wooden walls were spotless and the paint around the door and windows was neatly painted in black".

It's good to have dialog. In my opinion a lot of dialog creates a "movie" in the readers mind. You did this well.
The rest of this chapter is well done too. The only other suggestion I would have would be when you start your chapters don't be too "wordy". You have a good story and I will read more. I'll go chapter by chapter. It might take me awhile but I'll get it done :)

Great job! I'm backing your book :)

T.L. Doutich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

This certainly looks like a very interesting piece of work. Well-written, evocative descriptions without going overboard. It's good that Melhiera was already questioning the 'chance' that brought her to Iris, as it clearly isn't one. A protagonist without their memory isn't exactly new, but you've managed to handle it in a fairly intriguing manner. I'm looking forward to reading more when I have time.

However, as a male of a certain age, I must admit that when i first read the title I was wondering whether Mark Bearer is any relation to Paul Bearer :p

I have read the whole book and I like the story. However, it needs a lot of polishing before you can consider submitting it for publication. To illustrate my point, I have highlighted some typical faults but not all.

In Ch.4 “more kinder”!

As daylight weakened the four travellers, now dry, were still making their way through the woods. This implies that daylight was weakening the travellers – are they vampires?

I think you should do a thorough punctuation check. The addition of a comma in the right place helps. Do yourself a favour and read your work aloud, using commas and periods as pauses – that might help you. As daylight weakened, the four travellers, now dry, were still making their way through the woods.

In Ch.6 Kya’s bladder pressed against her lower stomach! Was the poor girl equipped with two stomachs? As far as I know we only have one stomach and it is above the bladder with a whole lot of intestines between.

Several bits of dialogue have missing inverted commas or other punctuation.

In Ch.7 Kya thinks she’s barely known Melhiera a month – a week is more like it! This chapter end breaks off in mid-sentence!

Reading is sometimes made difficult by long sentences with weird word orders. An example of what I mean comes from Chapter 8:

They passed bustling market stalls with traders trying to out-yell their rivals to secure a sale, and rosy cheeked travellers sitting outside taverns in the warm sunshine, their mouths open with either ale going in or laughter coming out.

This 39-word long sentence gives a Flesch reading ease of 45.7 and a Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level of 12.0.

They passed bustling market stalls with traders trying to out-yell their rivals to secure a sale. In the warm sunshine outside taverns, rosy cheeked travellers sat with their mouths open with either ale going in or laughter coming out.

This rework gives an average sentence length of 19.5-words and improves the Flesch reading ease to 67.7 and the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level to 8.6.

Chapter 12’s end also breaks off in mid-sentence!

Ch.13 Riizah doesn’t reveal his name but a few paragraphs on he suddenly acquires a label.

I recommend that you take a long hard look at punctuation. The book “Eats, shoots & leaves” by Lynne Truss would be a good start.

Hey,

This is a compelling story, brilliantly written with characters who feel real. I love the names -- Melhiera, Anuda -- excellent. The beginning of the first chapter has lovely descriptions followed by an exchange of intriguing dialouge between Melhiera and Iris which leads to their friendship. I thought the dialogue was well done and suited to the genre. And then we are introduced to Anuda and he's quite a character.
I kept reading on and on as i wanted to learn more about Melhiera's past, who she was and what's really going on with her. In chapter three the segment at the beginning in italics is an example of some great writing.

I'm going to continue reading, i'll leave another comment when i'm done. Although i would like to say that I'm enjoying this story, you have talent and there are very few things which i would change about this. They would only be minor changes, and only to do with word usage, not the story which i am finding enthralling.