Hudson by the Day

It’s always difficult to critique sc-fi because one is never sure just how much playing around with language, concepts, metaphors and so on is being done. I have completed the first chapter, however, and I feel confident enough to be able to offer some observations and some advice. In terms of grammar and punctuation, I would avoid commas before “and”, “but” and “so”.
“The pain leaked in” is a lovely phrase but the simile that follows it doesn't quite work because the water in cupped hands leaks out! I think the phrase stands on its own.
You've told us that the town of Shelf is “enclosed by trees” and then that “cliffs...embanked the town of Shelf”. This is a bit jarring for me.
“the unborn child was my last thread but that too had snapped for me.” in this sentence, the subject is the child not the thread so, when you say it had snapped, it reds as though the child and not the thread had snapped.
I'm not happy about “satellite of my memory”. A satellite is not something on the periphery of something; the nearest definition would be “attendant” which still doesn't help the metaphor, I'm afraid.
“I was hit by a flash of...” took me a couple of reads to figure out. I presume that you are referring to what is commonly termed a “flashback”. It's not really possible to be “hit” by a “flash” so, again, I'm afraid I can't really go with you into this description of events. I think you may be trying to describe it in “filmic” terms, which is possibly a mistake.
Tea does not “spill off the side” of a cup. If it does anything, it spills “over”.
I don't really know what to make of “vomiting through my eyes”. What is the significance of this term?
Repetition of “mouth”.
Why does the narrator despise the nurse so and why does she carry those feelings over to her daughter? The narrative gives us no indication and the narrator simply comes across as intolerant and bigoted. Is this the effect you are after?

The sentences beginning: “I pushed myself out of bed...” the word, “here” would need to be “there” if internal consistency is to be maintained. Typo: “aesthetic” for “anaesthetic”. At first, I thought this was a fascinating sc-fi concept! I like the idea of people being put under aesthetic!

You use the term, “teetered” to describe the nurse's gait twice.

Typo: “thought” for “though”
“snowish rain” is “sleet”.

Again, you keep changing tenses in the narrative. I think, with a strange tale, you have to be so careful about this sort of thing. The reader is looking for cues to help get a handle on the narrative and this sort of thing, if accidental, will merely confuse.
A VW BeEtle.

Although I finished the first chapter, I think I've probably given you enough to think about. The story is good enough to hold the attention of an average reader, I think but I really would take advice on your use of language and style. Polishing a manuscript is something all writer have to deal with at some point and, before you go any further, I would have a go at cleaning this narrative up a little, right away.

Good luck with this.

Russell

SF42 - Chapter 4 is a really exciting chapter because she is finally investigating the disappearances. I like how the reader is unsure whether Dwain Cooke is good (a rebel) or bad (government). I think you could have increased the suspense further, however, by not getting to ‘someone in the know’ so easily – have her asking more questions around town first (because going straight to Dwain makes it seem rather too convenient), and maybe have Dwain begin to watch her, so the reader assumes he is bad, before making them think again, when he gives her the map.

I don’t want to go on about grammar and typos etc, but you really need to clean this up. It looks sloppy when you have ‘new’ for ‘knew’ and ‘Isle’ for ‘aisle’, ‘defiantly’ for ‘definitely’, and small mistakes like that can make your reader nervous about the care you have taken with the plot/premise.

SF42 - chapter 3 - this is a long chapter and so much time is covered, though it ends on a good cliffhanger (though I do question why she didn't search for Marcell). I am enjoying the character of Adrienne, she is an interesting mix of malice (she is clearly not fond of children), and empathy (she understood that Hudson loved his father, despite the fact he is not great at parenting). It is becoming clear that she is an unreliable narrator because Shelf isn't as isolated as she makes out (she lied to the reader about roads out), it makes you wonder what else she is not saying or has fabricated. I think the biggest issue I have with this chapter is the leaps in time - it creates a 'and then' narrative, the reader rushing through time and not really getting a chance to inhabit the characters or their relationship. I think you need to examine this time frame again and build in some key scenes to show her growing friendship with Henry and Hudson. I also think you need to keep the disappearances in the reader's mind, I had almost forgotten about them - maybe have some rumours going on in town about where the people go. I will read the final two chapters soon. I hope my notes are of some use.

SF42 – Chapter 1 and 2 - I do think you have a fantastic imagination and at times this opening had a really clear voice and I felt sucked into this character’s slightly odd world and her obsession with Hudson. The problem is that it is a little all over the place and the writing is consequently not consistent and at times falls into mundane relaying of events (i.e. the library scene with the children in chapter two, which seems to have no plot purpose at all, lacks tension and voice). The tension and pull in this story is the disappearance of Marcel and her fixation on Hudson after her own tragic loss of a daughter, (I really hope these two tragedies are related) and therefore this should be the driver for everything you write. The diary device is not a new one but is a powerful way to cover key events in Hudson’s life, but I don’t think you have properly utilised it. I would be inclined to use it for a lot of (if not) all of the unfolding story, either that or make the entries you do reveal shocking/ full of tension (consider why the diary entry is the best way to deliver that part of the story, if it isn’t you need to question its inclusion). Sticking with the diary for a minute, I am confused as to what it is for? For Hudson or the MC? Is she planning on giving it to him, or is it a way of keep her obsessional thoughts in check – will the diary reveal her descent into madness?

In summary, I would suggest you need to decide on the how the diary will be used and cut out anything that does not add to the plot and tone of the novel. I also feel the death of her daughter was dealt with a little too lightly – in chapter two there is some reference to her not being a real person, this confused me (her mother will have imbued her with personality and a life time of dreams). Losing a baby at birth is not going to be any less traumatic than losing a child you had got to know (it is the potential life that is mourned as well as the actual). I would make more of her grief and how this affects her interactions and thoughts about Hudson. I will read on and hopefully have more comments about the unfolding story next time. Jake

This book reads like a thriller and it thrilled me. It's original and interesting and the characters are believable. It's also well-paced and full of unexpected turn of events. Although more editing is needed, I feel it holds promise.

SF42 Feedback
Maddy,

I've read 4 chapters of your novel.

This is a very interesting story. The idea of a town being cut off from the world with occasional 'disappearances' drives the story on very well. But for me, the focus of the story is the relationship between Adrienne and Hudson. I think you successfully build that relationship.

I have made a few notes which I hope you find useful -

1. First off, I guess you're already aware that the writing is peppered with errors. Grammar, spelling, missing words, syntax. Nothing that can't be sorted out with a careful edit. Sometimes I lost the meaning of parts of the story due to this problem; for example you wrote 'Out digital watches that those foreigners issued us were shit. Mine was almost broken, and they what would I do? I spent a while trying to make this intelligible because it was the first time you'd mentioned 'foreigners' and I thought it might be an important part of the plot. For the most part I was able to look beyond the errors and absorb the message of the story. Hope that doesn't sound too harsh.
2. I was confused about Hudson's birth. Maria Wills died in childbirth 12/2000, Hudson was born 2/2000. So, was Maria having another child when she died?.....what happened to the child? Maybe I just missed something.
3. You tell us that Shelf is cut-off. You tell us at the start that no roads leave Shelf. I was happy with that idea. Unfortunately much later on you messed with my head quite badly when you (as the narrator) tell me 'Alright, I lied about there being no roads out of Shelf.' That disturbed me. I wondered if I could trust anything you'd told me. Perhaps that's your aim.
4. For us to buy into the idea that Shelf has been cut off by the authorities we need some basic facts explained. How are food, provisions, power, water, phone lines etc delivered to the town. Why don't people leave by boat? However, I do like the mystery of the situation and it certainly keeps your reader turning the pages.
5. There are opportunities to bring out the terrible sadness that Adrienne feels. The rabbit in the chair could have been used to drag some tears from your readers. I like the way you use grief to distort her thinking regarding Hudson.
6. You named Adrienne once, very early in the book but I don't think you named her for a long while afterwards. I had to look back to find the name of the person telling me the story.
7. The time setting of the book straddles present day. Because I know that a town like Shelf does not exist I presume I'm reading a story about an alternate history. I hope that's what I'm meant to think. I'm wondering if this is a situation that might have occurred if the Germans had won WW2. I've only added this point to give you an idea what the readers thinking at the end of chapter 4.
8. Chapter 2 drifts into a non-eventful ending. Perhaps it needs a device to nudge the reader onto chapter 3.
9. Some people do seem to leave Shelf. Where this happens it needs some explanation about how that happens. Why do students come back?
10. I'd like a tad more understanding about Adrienne's emotions when she gives Hudson back to Henry.

I hope some of this is useful. This is a good story with a mystery that teases the reader to read on. It's really well worth taking the time to iron out the errors.

Gareth

Your writing is mature for your age. It's great to have talent like that and I hope you will continue writing.

This story gets more interesting as it goes on. It has a strong premise and Adrienne is great as a sympathetic character. The mystery elements, which appear to be leading to the scifi part, are good as well.

Just try go clean up the grammar issues.

Remove “the”: “The pain leaked in as if it were water…”

You don’t capitalized “husband” or “disappearance..”

When you start a sentence with a number, you must spell it out.

Incomplete sentence: “Without touching my tea, and embarked out the door and into the drenching mist and snow.”

Incomplete sentence: “Staggered back to my house…”

I'm impressed by your writing so I'll back it.

Good luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute

thought instead of though, forgot which paragraph

"...without touching my tea, (and) embarked..." shouldn't this be "I embarked"?

Incredible craftiness, building the depressing world of Shelf out of miserably thin air. Kudos. It's good that I feel sorry for her and rooting for her escape.

There are several places where this chapter could be subdivided into smaller chapters. It may be a good idea because several of the breaks are disconcerting.

Several question marks are missing, perhaps this was intentional? Just the same, run a grammar check. Some sentences sound like run-ons to my American ears and, sadly, grammar was never my forte.

I really enjoyed the strong narrative voice, which is what publishers are looking for. I can see a future writer here, for sure… so here are my comments (remember they are only my views, you may choose to disagree).
Start with a hook. Delete the first three paras and start with "It started with the cry of an infant."
You have missed some basic words in some sentences (read the first three paras and you'll see). You need to read carefully and correct these things before sending to a publisher or agent. Incorrect grammar gets you eliminated quickly these days. Some people recommend reading out loud.
Kleenexes should read Kleenex, unless you are trying to make a point about the narrator.
Rather than the dialogue attributions like "insisted", "asked" and "dithered", try using "said" most of the time. The modern convention is that people ignore the "said", whereas the other words slow down the pace for the reader. If she indeed dithered, show this some way by her actions.
I think that's enough advice for now. It is wonderful you are starting to write so young. I would advise you to take a writer's course of some kind that will give you lots of tips like the ones above.

I enjoyed this a great deal Madeline and think you're very talented. Will add this to my shelf and have rated it highly :-)

You have an incredible voice but there are several mechanical issues. Besides typos there were instances when I wasn't entirely sure what was happening. Let me rephrase, there were times when I didn't believe what was happening. But the potential plot is very engaging. The language is bold and entertaining. Your characters are well-developed, quirky, and unpredictable. It really is an ingenious start.

Thanks for the helpful critique! I am in the editing stage now and I am trying to make things more ... believable, I guess. Sometimes my characters do things that real people normally wouldn't. If you could list some examples that would be extremely helpful, and maybe I could smooth some things out.

You have an incredible voice but there are several mechanical issues. Besides typos there were instances when I wasn't entirely sure what was happening. Let me rephrase, there were times when I didn't believe what was happening. But the potential plot is very engaging. The language is bold and entertaining. Your characters are well-developed, quirky, and unpredictable. It really is an ingenious start.

Stunning. I see wonderful things in your future. The title, the pitch, the exposition, the dialogue. All perfect. A couple of minor things could be improved upon, but overall very nicely done. I'm impressed. Six stars and backed with pleasure. You go girl! JKinkade

Wow...a HS student? This is really good. Scanned first chap, all I can see is indents needed at the beginning of dialog quotation. (tab)"Sure, no problem," I said.