Book Jacket

 

rank 795
word count 101252
date submitted 28.07.2011
date updated 28.09.2011
genres: Literary Fiction, Romance, Historic...
classification: adult
incomplete

Brundelwain

Eleanor Raif

Brundelwain is a sweeping medieval tale of love forged by hardship and circumstance, a Scottish knight and a noble woman whose fate becomes entangled.

 

Follow the lives of Lady Alana Stewart, a young noble woman, and Sir Aldyn MacDowell, a respected commander in Scotland, at the dawning of the fourteenth century. Scarcely has she left her childhood and an impending marriage is bearing down on her like a ruthless beast. Seven years her senior, Aldyn has known both great success and great tragedy. When she is faced with heartbreaking loss it is his strength that sees her through and from their pain springs a bond that can’t be broken.

Their arrival at Brundelwain is the door to the future, one wrought from blood, sweat and tears. She enters marriage and he is hurtled into war. In the hands of an unpredictable Earl, will a dangerous secret unravel their fate?
Guilt and shame. War and loss. Brundelwain doesn't sugar-coat the medieval world, it is a gritty tale of life, of love, of heartache, of motherhood, of growing up and chasing your dreams, even if the years find that they have greatly changed.

WARNING: Detailed descriptions of sex scenes, childbirth, rape and wounds. It is the middle ages, after all.

 
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tags

knight, medieval, robert bruce, scotland

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32 comments

 

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QuinnYA wrote 245 days ago

A highly fascinating and vivid read. I've really been transported into this world and you give a great view of what the lives were like ack then. The writing itself is beautiful, simple but with wonderful descriptions and perfect pacing. I can't help but fall for these characters already. You've got me emotionally invested after a couple chapters and as a reader, I find that so important. Good luck with this. I see it going places.

Starred for now and backed in a few days!
Missy

B A Morton wrote 257 days ago

Eleanor,
I was directed your way by Cerbirus. I'm so glad that I was. I've just read all of your upload in one sitting. What a wonderful tale and it unfolds at just the right pace. Medieval life and the characters within it exquisitely drawn. Poor Alana... first Gregor, then the gorgeous Aldyn and now she's found herself in Thomas' clutches. This is an epic tale captivating from the start. I love this period in history and would have continued reading had there been more.
Best of luck with this. Sprinkled with stars and waiting for a place on my shelf.

Babs

strachan gordon wrote 268 days ago

Hello Eleanor , I've got up to chapter nine . I hope my comments haven't been discouraging - it occurred to me that Aldyn could be like the Gabriel Oak character in 'Far from the Madding Crowd' , he is definitely one of my favourite characters in fiction , incidentally the plot of FFTMC is delineated in the modern English film 'Tamara Drewe' , which came out recently , I think you might enjoy it .The appearance of Thomas Campbell is an interesting development , the detailed description you give of him is really excellent , such passages add substance to a book - its something I don't do nearly enough ,if at all , I really must work on that . Of course , the name Campbell in Scotland has a very sinister reputation . I remember feeling it myself as a Gordon and when reading a comic as a child about Rob Roy and Rob goes incognito into the Campbell capital, Inverary , and feeling a sense of horror at that place . I think introducing Campbell has made a great difference , now a sense of conflict is restored , however, -excuse this - it might be an idea to make him less nice , how exactly I don't know , he doesn't have to be Uriah Heep . Just a thought . I was interested that you like Kate Rusby , some of the greatest music from the British Isles is based on our old folk music , I am a particular fan of Irish folk - can I recommend 'The Parting Glass' by the Wailin' Jennies on You Tube or 'She moved through the Fair',for me , the greatest of all Folk songs , available in thousands of versions , in my mind , for some reason , I always call it 'She came down through the Fair'. More comments later , Strachan

Jen Small wrote 270 days ago

is that the end or is there more to come? it is so easy to enjoy that i wish there was a whole load more. good one.

triciapixel wrote 301 days ago

This is a beautifully written book. You completely surround the reader in the time period, but of course, I'm a sucker for anything romantic and anything Scottish. Throw in knights and a castle, and I'm sold. Your writing is incredibly tight, but there were just a couple of places you might have overreached with the adverbs: awoke brilliantly early is one. And, there was a part in chapter one where you say "a bird of some sort." You might be able to get away with losing "some sort." But, I really love the story. Alana and Gregor have fantastic chemistry and you have a gift for building sweet romantic tension between them. I think this is a book which will do well on this site and should have no trouble finding a publisher. Good luck.

David Price wrote 186 days ago

Eleanor,

As a memoirist, I do not feel entirely qualified to comment out of genre, particularly on such an ambitious historical work. But I think you write beautifully, and I would encourage you to keep going with it. Some of your simplest descriptions are especially lovely, for example: 'The air was thick with the scent of life and earth'.

The only constructive thing I can offer is to be careful of basic errors such as 'She staggered out of bed, her mind were more awake than her limbs'. As this sentence appears so early in the piece, just when the reader is beginning to tune into your style, it can be slightly off-putting.

Overall, I think your story is very appealing and shows great potential. *****

David

Wanttobeawriter wrote 191 days ago

Brundelwain
Chapter 9. Alana arrives at Breadalbane, but not before a snarling wolf crosses her path. I like the ominous feeling that lends to the story. I’m really getting suspicious Thomas is not the man he pretends to be.
Chapter 10 & 11. Life is not going to be pleasant for Alana at Thomas’s castle (altho she brought that problem on herself). Over all, you have me hooked on this story. I would read more if you posted more.
Cover and pitches: My computer is a laptop so I have trouble making out what the cover shows. The pitch is good.
Pace: This story is slow in places, mainly because of excessive dialogue (it’s important for you to know all of these characters backgrounds so you can flesh them out, but is it important for your reader to know all of it?).
Point of View: Point of view is predominantly Alana’s. Good.
Authenticity (Historical accuracy): I had a real feeling you know this century well.
Characters: Characters are interesting. I’m disappointed, tho, that Alana fell in love with Aldyn so soon after Gregor died. It made me feel as if Alana is shallower than I wanted her to be. Another problem is the confusing way so many names begin with A.
Descriptions: Descriptions are well done.
Dialogue: I’ve mentioned this earlier. Think of Brad Pitt having to memorize all those lines when this becomes a movie; he’s never going to make it.
Plot: The plot is good, altho I want Gregor to return.
Publishability: I have no idea how publishing houses decide what to publish. I think if the dialogue was shortened in this story so the pace moved faster, I think it has a good possibility to be published.
Style: Style is straight forward and easy to read.
Technicalities (grammar, repetitions, typos, etc.)” No problems. Done Well. Historical Fiction Group Review

Wanttobeawriter wrote 191 days ago

Chapter 6. Alana begins to fall in love with Aldyn and suspects Thomas may not be the perfect man he seems to be on the surface. I liked this chapter altho there was a little too much description of people throwing up for my taste. My stomach was beginning to feel as queasy as theirs.
Chapter 7. Alana goes with Aldyn to visit his sister. This chapter is interesting but it also seems long for the information it supplies. I’m anxious for Alana to get to Breadalbane and her wedding. People have that tendency for long speeches again, too (think of this as a movie; how will Brad Pitt ever learn all that dialogue?)
Chapter 8. Alana forgets about mourning Gregor and does it with Aldyn. Oh, oh. I can tell she’s going to be pregnant from this. And Sir Thomas is going to know. Abby’s reaction to finding the two of them together is great dialogue. This is the sort of thing you need to work on more, rather than such long soliloquies from people. Overall, a good read, tho. Wannabeawriter, Who Killed the President? HFGR

Wanttobeawriter wrote 192 days ago

BRUNDELWAIN
Chapter 1. To begin with, you write absolutely beautifully. I found myself stopping and rereading sentences just because you used such a perfect phrase to describe something. The way you write accents in your dialogue is a second strength. Well done, although you also have a tendency for your characters to immediately tell others more about themselves than people usually do (Gregor, for example, describes his past travels in detail). Is it necessary for us to know all of that?
The growing love affair between Alana and Gregor is good; a good contrast to modern day courtship as they meet in the woods rather than on-line or in a bar.
One problem: so many of your characters have names that look alike: Alana, Andrew, Aldyn, Alasdar, Alexander, Abigail . . . have you thought about changing some of those so it’s easier for a reader to keep them straight? Either way, I liked this. Will read some more.
Chapter 2. Alana goes to a Bealtainn festival. This is an exciting chapter because of jousting tournament. It’s also a good chapter to show Alana falling more and more in love with Gregor. If I have a problem, it’s that I wish you’d explained more what a Bealtainn festival was (not a U.S. thing) and Gregor has a little trouble with long dialogue again.
Chapter 3. A spy reveals Alana and Gregor’s meeting. Good chapter. I’m torn between wishing Alana will escape with Gregor and she’ll stay and marry an Earl. Can’t decide which will be best for her.
Chapter 4. Gregor leaves for France and supposedly is killed. I suspect, as no one actually saw him die, however, that he will surface again here. Good chapter except it has that problem with overlong dialogue again (Aldyn’s story about Marion).
Chapter 5. Sir Thomas shows up at the castle. And Helena demonstrates less than great mothering skill. I’m still waiting for Gregor to appear. I know he’s out there.
Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President. Historical Fiction Group REiew

Philthy wrote 204 days ago

Hi Eleanor,

I’m finally able to return the read. Sorry for the delay! Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Regarding your short pitch, I might suggest a more active verb to draw the reader in. Also, I think “whose fate” should be “whose fates” since you’re talking about both the knight and the woman.

In your long pitch, I’d do away with the “Follow the lives of…” part. This is a novel, not a trades publication, and that reads more like an ad to me.

“Scarcely has she left her childhood…” this is confusing.

“like a ruthless beast” I’d cut this. Keep the literary description to the chapters. This should be quick, hard-hitting, active voice that focusses on hooks to your story.

The last paragraph is one big run-on sentence that needs to be broken up.

Chapter one

“Aldyn woke, eyes wide and grasping…” this is kind of awkward. As it’s written, you could be saying that Aldyn is grasping, or that his eyes are grasping, which doesn’t work. Also, if he’s grasping at the emptiness, it’s an unclear image to me. Is he reaching at nothing, like an alarm clock (which doesn’t work obviously, since they didn’t exist in medieval times)?

Delete “inside himself” as it can be assumed that his heart is inside his body unless you tell us otherwise.
You have some BEAUTIFUL description, but you also have some very unclear description. For instance, “Wrenching himself from the arms of it,” from the arms of the memory? I don’t see it. Does his memory have arms? Is it holding him? Gripping him? Hugging him? The illustration has yet to be painted for us to determine what is being said here.

“her mind were more awake than her limbs” delete “were”

I stopped doing a line-by-line read so that I could check out the rest of the chapter for story. Your free-flowing language reflects the romanticism of the piece. It’s a beautiful read. My biggest suggestion is to go back and scrub. You have it all here, but it gets unnecessarily wordy at times, some sections are a bit verbose, and some of the descriptions are awkward and unclear. All this is just stuff that needs to be scrubbed. The story and character development seem to be there, and you have a beautiful way with words.

High stars. This is good writing that just needs a bit of elbow grease in the editing.

Best of luck with this!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Jack Hughes wrote 216 days ago

A majestic and very ambitious story, very well detailed and researched and with strong clear narrative voice. This will make an excellent novel. Backed as soon as I find a space.

Best of luck.

Jack Hughes

jlbwye wrote 219 days ago

Brundelwain. A Hist.Fict.Group read.

That first paragraph - the reader is surely transported inside Aldryn's head by the richness of your prose, almost to surfeit.
If you're looking for refinements, try omitting 'just as he thought' (that word just is almost invariably unnecessary).
The pictureof him emotionally wrenching himself from the arms of his memory is evocative indeed. I can learn a thing or two from you.

The Lady Alana provides some refreshing lightness after that introduction - and an excellent contrast.
Dont you mean her mind was more awake than her limbs.
That word guardian threw me, and I had to read the paragraph 2-3 times to sort out who was who. I think it's because you're confusing POVs between Alana's father and Sir Aldyn.
Just a thought: the names Alana and Aldyn can be confusing to a reader, both starting with A.

Unnecessary words to look out of: quite, also, quickly, still, just, about, usually, up, began, much, eventually, suddenly, began. If omitted, your writing flows better and becomes stronger.

I must learn from you how to introduce back story. You do it so neatly.
It is my ignorance - but when you talk of squiring, I think of a lad taking his girl out!

'Pain' is repeated where Gregor is remembering Aldyn's tragedy. And again a little further on.

That fight is dramatically shown, but you waver between POVs. It would be even better if you told it from inside one or other head - not both.

I'm puzzled by that cumbersome sentence after Elise asks why Alana must straddle her horse. Isnt it better left out? And you dont need the 'up' where Alana lifts her arms to the skies.

Ah - the free spirit of Alana, and the idealism of youth. How well you describe it in her emotions, and actions, and the reaction of Elise.
There's a typo where Alana gives Elise a mischievous grin.

And a delightful twist of the plot in what promises to become a lovely romantic read.

We must be kindred spirits - I, too have my MC enjoying a bare-bak gallop in the first chapter, hair streaming behind her!

Shouldnt it be 'And what burdens might those be'?

The night after her ride - the past pluperfect tense is rather cumbersome.
Again, you drift from Aldyn into Marcas's VP at the close of the chapter.

I can see myself coming back, and back again to your book. You have amazing powers of description, and a way of revealing emotion which awakes the romantic in me.

Your work needs refining, but the treasure is there, and we all need refining.

Multi-starred, and onto my w/list.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

L_MC wrote 233 days ago

Eleanor, you had asked for reads in the Romance thread so finally getting round to it.

It is clear that you have put a great deal of time and effort into setting the scene of the place and time in history where the story is set. You have created depth to the place and characters. There are quite a lot of people introduced in the opening chapters but each one has clearly been given their place in the story. The growing romance between Gregor and Alana is well paced but from the pitch you fear it isn't going to last and then the bad news is delivered. Aldyn and Alana's stories are closely spun together already so a hint that their futures will continue to be intertwined. The opening scene of Aldyn's grief was nicely set against the exuberance of the party.

The jousting and sparring, the problems in Lanark, the battles, the English soldiers all provide glimpses of the harsher world and possibility of brutality.

Jehmka wrote 234 days ago

I liked the distinctive shift in tone at the opening paragraphs − from dark, to the lilting cadence used throughout Andrew’s birthday party scene. And then the slightly archaic style of narrative voice certainly fits the setting of the story.

Starred and backed...
Rodney

Margaret Trevelyan wrote 239 days ago

Eleanor. This is an HFRG review.

I liked the pitches. They drew me in as I want to know more about the characters and the losses they will face as well as more about them.

I know that the script is under revision so will bear that in mind as I go. I don't know much about this period in history either so am not sure I can comment fairly on historical accuracy.

The description is highly evocative so much so that I feel I have left 2011 behind and ventured into the time of the novel.

The dialogue is great. I loved Alana's teasing of her brother about the dancing. I can hear the words being spoken with alluring Scots accents which makes me want to know more about them.

You have a cast of engaging characters. I felt for Aldyn at the beginning waking up with a longing for his wife who is no longer there. I can relate to that. This is the second character called Marcas I have encountered this morning as there is a Markus in another book I read and I have a Marcus in my own novel.

I think that the plot will deepen and we will become fully embroiled in these character's lives because they are so finely drawn for us. I think this is highly publishable and I would definitely buy it.

Best of luck with it Eleanor.

QuinnYA wrote 245 days ago

A highly fascinating and vivid read. I've really been transported into this world and you give a great view of what the lives were like ack then. The writing itself is beautiful, simple but with wonderful descriptions and perfect pacing. I can't help but fall for these characters already. You've got me emotionally invested after a couple chapters and as a reader, I find that so important. Good luck with this. I see it going places.

Starred for now and backed in a few days!
Missy

jrapilliard wrote 256 days ago

Hi, I have just backed your book. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. It's also a historical novel if set a bit earlier. If you do back it, many thanks and best wishes, John

B A Morton wrote 257 days ago

Eleanor,
I was directed your way by Cerbirus. I'm so glad that I was. I've just read all of your upload in one sitting. What a wonderful tale and it unfolds at just the right pace. Medieval life and the characters within it exquisitely drawn. Poor Alana... first Gregor, then the gorgeous Aldyn and now she's found herself in Thomas' clutches. This is an epic tale captivating from the start. I love this period in history and would have continued reading had there been more.
Best of luck with this. Sprinkled with stars and waiting for a place on my shelf.

Babs

strachan gordon wrote 268 days ago

Hello Eleanor , I've got up to chapter nine . I hope my comments haven't been discouraging - it occurred to me that Aldyn could be like the Gabriel Oak character in 'Far from the Madding Crowd' , he is definitely one of my favourite characters in fiction , incidentally the plot of FFTMC is delineated in the modern English film 'Tamara Drewe' , which came out recently , I think you might enjoy it .The appearance of Thomas Campbell is an interesting development , the detailed description you give of him is really excellent , such passages add substance to a book - its something I don't do nearly enough ,if at all , I really must work on that . Of course , the name Campbell in Scotland has a very sinister reputation . I remember feeling it myself as a Gordon and when reading a comic as a child about Rob Roy and Rob goes incognito into the Campbell capital, Inverary , and feeling a sense of horror at that place . I think introducing Campbell has made a great difference , now a sense of conflict is restored , however, -excuse this - it might be an idea to make him less nice , how exactly I don't know , he doesn't have to be Uriah Heep . Just a thought . I was interested that you like Kate Rusby , some of the greatest music from the British Isles is based on our old folk music , I am a particular fan of Irish folk - can I recommend 'The Parting Glass' by the Wailin' Jennies on You Tube or 'She moved through the Fair',for me , the greatest of all Folk songs , available in thousands of versions , in my mind , for some reason , I always call it 'She came down through the Fair'. More comments later , Strachan

Nightdream wrote 269 days ago

Chapter 1

Love the set up to "die of heartbreak" Very funny. I don't know if that was meant to be funny, but it was. What you did was a good thing for me. It gets me interested in the way you write.

Watch out for too much description and metaphors. It can be daunting on our minds to read. However, they are good. For example: "She staggered out of the bed . . ." It could end there. Don't say anymore. We know what a stagger is. You don't need to tell us. Sometimes being simple is more powerful.

". . . and I won't be here much longer . . ." Very sad words. But good.

"A saddle." take out "she smiled" We know it's funny and we know that she is smiling. If she wasn't, then you should say so.

"maybe she doesn't find you funny . . ." Great ending between the two men. I think you always have to have something pulling us at the end. Whether it be a humor, character arch, great action, a plot twist, anything that will make us want to read on. And you did it for me with just a simple dialogue interchange.

Jen Small wrote 270 days ago

is that the end or is there more to come? it is so easy to enjoy that i wish there was a whole load more. good one.

Eleanor Raif wrote 272 days ago

Thank you so much for your great comments and your patience as I make changes here and there. You know how it goes with editing. For every change you make early on in the book, it's another hundred changes you have to fix in the rest of the book.

Jesse Powell wrote 273 days ago

I tried to read through the first chapter but I just can't. Too much purple prose and other things that irritate. Others will love this I'm sure, just not me.

elaine black wrote 277 days ago


A very enjoyable read. The story is certainly multilayered and grabs the reader's interest. It should do very well in the world of romantic fiction.
I notice in parts that your use of pronouns to begin a sentence becomes repetitious. In some paragraphs you begin almost every sentence with the word 'He’ or ‘His' and ‘She’ or ‘Her’.
When describing Gregor for example:
His hair was dark,
His shoulders were wide and muscled,
His hands moved with grace,
His height and stature,
He tended,
He turned,
He caught sight…..
All this in the same short paragraph.
You’re almost there and with a few more edits to eliminate passive sentences, your work is ready for an agent and/or publisher.

Cheers,
Christine Elaine.

KGleeson wrote 277 days ago

Historical Fiction Review

This has all the ingredients of a romantic historical romp that has a dashing young knight and a tempetuous leading lady to take us through the wonderful Scottish landscape in the medieval time period. There promises danger and thwarted love and clashes both personal and political to set up a series of obstacles that hopefully result in a happy end for the lovers. Though it is a well known plot strategy it is still hugely popular and makes for an enjoyable read.

In the first two chapters the reader forms a good sense of the setting and time period as well as the main characters that appear in the story. You successfullly build the tension for future enounters with Alana and Gregor and give the reader insight into Aldyn's grief. There were some nice turns of phrase at times and the dialogue contains just enough flavour of the Scottish accent to give it extra atmosphere without becoming overburderned or even incomprehensible. It becomes a nice touch rather than a cliche which can easily happen.

There are a few things I thought to suggest to you that you might want to consider. In the first sentence of your pitch you might want to substitute "leads" for "lends" which give a more active sense of Alana and more power to the sentence. When I read the opening I wasn't certain if that was Aldyn's present being enacted or a foreshadowing of what is to come and therefore was a prologue. If it's Aldyn's then you have created a wonderful way to "show" why Aldyn is stricken with grief and just by mentioning his name in the section you can eliminate the bit later on where you explain it in the narrative in a "telling" manner that tends to slow the narrative down. With just a word or two exchanged with Gregor in which Gregor tells him that he's sorry for his loss, you affirm quickly what's going on with Aldyn and show their close relationship without burdening the narrative with sentences explaining it. Backstory can be fed in this way so the narrative isn't slowed down with big chunks of personal history or description. Readers are patient too and they like a bit of mystery about their characters so you can wait until further on, dribbling in bits and pieces as you go.

You also might want to consider limiting the viewpoint to one person in each scene so that the reader doesn't feel that they are bounced back and forth and to ensure there is no confusion whose head they are inside of. Viewpoints shift around in some of the genre novels and light fiction, but generally it's limited to that and with agents and publishers so picky now anything that helps remove objections is worth doing, is how I look at it.

You might want to also look at your narrative for repetitious words. I noticed occasions where the word was repeated either in the sentence or very close to it and this can detract from the smooth flow. For instance in chapter 1 I think you start a sentence "as if" very soon after you used it in the sentence before. There were also a few sentences that were a little unclear. "He wept, though none heard his ardent cries, facedown and muffled..." I think if you put "so" instead of "though" and said "He wept with his face muffled in the blankets so none could here his ardent cries," you would be more clear. Then there was another sentence where he was "wrenching himself from the arms of it." It wasn't clear to me what "it" was, as was the case in the previous sentence where you mention something was cold and empty and since you refer to eyes in the beginning of the sentence I think you mean eyes, though I wasn't certain.

But these are all suggestions that are made to polish up what is a fine plot, wonderful characters that make for an enjoyable read. I will read on. Kristin

Nici wrote 281 days ago

Historical Fiction Readers Group
Romance and melodrama in an old Scottish castle, with dialogue in antique Scots thrown in for good measure. It's not my genre of choice but I thought some parts were well-written, especially those dealing with bereavment and grief. There's a large cast of characters, all of whom are clearly real to you and what comes over to me is that you are totally immersed in this romantic medieval world, so I'm sure you'll pull readers into it to join you.

You asked me to comment on the whole sweep of the story and narrative structure, so I read 7 chapters to get a feel for the whole work. I do think you could make improvements to the structure. We don't know who 'He' is in the opening paragraphs so I assumed it was Gregor, who is the first male character to appear and clearly the romantic interest, at least at the start. I really like the opening paragraph but I think it's in the wrong place. You switch people and viewpoint too often, and we don't get payback on our interest in Aldyn for another 5 chapters. I'd move this paragraph to Chapter 8 and then stay with Aldyn's viewpoint.

The 3 major things which would improve the novel I think are

- sticking with one viewpoint for at least a section of the story before switching e.g. you switch from Gregor to Alana's feelings about the first kiss.It's better to decide whose view you're tracking at any point and stick with it

- keeping track of your story and creating suspense through action and events that the reader understands but some of the characters don't. At the moment, you have a strong start which interests me in a character who then disappears. I'm not a big fan of creating suspense by predictions 'He was to meet the love of his life' type but if these are used, it should be very sparingly. You tell me in Chapter 8 that Aldyn married his true love and lost her. We know this, from inside his head and from outside, several times over. If this is supposed to be from Aldyn's viewpoint, it's now aht he would think. If it's from the Earl's, that's switching viewpoint back and forth.

- adding more excitement to the first 5 chapters. the book came alive for me when the English arrived, the escape plan failed, Gregor died and at last I get to know Aldyn more. Incidentally I think he is by far the most interesting character and the relationship between him and Alana looks far more interesting than all the chapters of dalliance with Gregor.

How's about introducing the husband-to-be at an earlier stage to up the threat and include some neat double-meanings because Alana won't know who he is, her father, mother and the husband-to-be will. He can be looking her over.

The love affair between Gregor and Alana takes too many pages for my taste but if that was interspersed with scenes including husband-to-be, that would spice things up.

Small point; the 1st line is a bit clumsy at the moment. 'At' repeated, 'side' repeated. Would it be better as 'grasped suddenly at the empty space beside him. He felt his heart rotting.'

The short pitch mixes two sentences so it's not grammatical at the moment, and I think the long pitch could be better but i do hate writing pitches - I'd rather write a novel! I can make suggestions on the pitch if you like.

kookicat wrote 285 days ago

Wonderful characters, awe-inspiring setting and very tight writing. This is a fantastic story and one I'm very much enjoying.

Backed! :)

Lou
~The Keenest Sorrow

Eleanor Raif wrote 290 days ago

Chapter 7 has been a bit of a struggle for me. There is a lot that happens, a big transition and I feel like it is a lot, yet I have made a lot of a little perhaps. Not sure. Let me know what you think, how it could be improved, what is missing, what is overdone or underdone.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 291 days ago

Brundelwain is written so beautifully I couldn’t resist reading it. The descriptions are very well written and easy to visualize. The dialogues are really good, showing the traces of olden times. The only nitpick would be the “Bloody hell.” that Marcas uses. Historical Fiction is one of the genres I revere, and I hope that this book will get a great following it deserves.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

Margaret Anthony wrote 292 days ago

There is without doubt a great deal of energy and research invested in this story. The reader is transported back to the time period with ease, always a good sign that trouble has been taken to be thorough in detail.
A good eye for imagery 'paints' an authentic back-drop although for me some could be tightened. Too much description especially of colours can diminish at times if they are overdone. Just my thoughts, of course.
With only three chapters posted, it's not yet possible to see where this story will take us, but the start is impressive. I look forward to reading on.
Happy to put this on my shelf since good historical epics are well worth the read. Margaret.

Eleanor Raif wrote 292 days ago

The fairy tale continues in Ch. 3 & 4, chapters I have struggled with, as they continue to build up somewhat of an idyllic setting, as if plucked from a tapestry. There is little eluding to the things that will come to pass just yet. This tired momma is tucking herself in. :)

strachan gordon wrote 297 days ago

A fascinating , intense first pararaph and first chapter , from an aficionado of Scottish history , which is of course, one of the most fascinating histories in the world . I am talking as a scion of the Clan Gordon , unfortunately a clan with an equivocal history! But not entirely without disrespect , I personally have written a short story about the Graham , the Marquis of Montrose, the most romantic of all Scottish heroes , though one of the most politically naive - this is the history of the Celts until they come to England , when they take over - the list is endless(like my own father). I wonder if you would be able to look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is an historical, adventure romance set in the 17th century which includes lost love, the Great Plague of London, Sir Henry Morgan , the attack on Panama 1671 , Spanish ladies and much more, with best wishes, Strachan Gordon

Vall wrote 298 days ago

This is a lovely story with interesing characters - just the sort of book I like to read. I only have one suggestion and that is about your dialogue tags - I don't think you need them. Best wishes, Vall

Eleanor Raif wrote 299 days ago

Thank you for the thorough and insightful review. I really do appreciate it! I am a lover of Scottish history, and it is something I fell into suddenly and unexpectedly when I had a dream about 7 years ago. I was so shook by it, its effect on me and how eerie a feeling it gave me, that I called my Aunt (a genealogist) who then invited me over and told me of the studies of our family and the trip she had made to the UK a few years before. After having such a dream, I dove into Scottish history, I was already somewhat of a European history nerd as it was, having grown up there and spent my fair share of time walking around in castles. That probably planted a few seeds in my mind. Then there were those years working for the Renn fest. :)
Back to the subject at hand before I bore you to tears.

In this sense I am referring to Menteith as a place, but yes, I am aware of which side the surname fell on, and that does take place in this story.

I do feel a little awkward about Gregor's introduction, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I wasn't sure how to do it, exactly. I want the reader to think he is great, the perfect 'knight in shining armor' as it were, building up this idyllic fairy tale. I wanted to illustrate that age when you are a teen, the age when everything must work out for you. That 'senior year' attitude, you know? Anyway, I will certainly look into it.

Aldyn, yes. You can probably tell that I added the emotional pieces later. His character was a major change in the story, when I became enamored with him and realized that he was what was the book was missing. He was the real deal, emotionally. As I finished up the tale I came to the realization that he is the 'me' character. Does that happen in your books? Someone in the book is you, you just don't know who it is until you have gotten quite far.
I will see what I can manage with repairing his introduction. Taking out the overjuiced words I've used. :)

Thanks again.

briantodd wrote 299 days ago

Brundelwain
This tale has themes of Romance, Conflict and Fate. It has a background of medieval war between two nation states. The pitch tells us about the content but needs some fine tuning to hook us into the romance and the conflict and to make us want to root for the characters whose lives and fates are in the hands of the author.
You start with Aldyn waking up – it is very effective although perhaps a few words on his dead wife's look, smell and touch would be worth inserting. It is an emotional but rather dark beginning as it stands. The contrast with happy Alana waking up is well done. As we move onto Gregor I was beginning to look for more action. The balance in your early passages is too much in favour of introspection and description of place. You are very good at this scene-setting but it must be balanced by dialogue and physical action. In your attempts to describe some of the qualities of your main characters you overegg the pudding sometimes. Of Gregor we hear ‘no one knew the sword as he did and his courage was unmatched by any others’ OK he is some lad even at twenty. In these days, though, experience was vital, and men were more effective in the violent arts generally speaking in their later twenties and early thirties.
In one passage you write “he had no idea of the strength and ferocity his heart was capable of, that one single muscle within him would soon overrun him, directing his very fate.” This is a wonderful thought, but you must be more precise in saying it. Despite all his other muscles and his courage and skill, that most important muscle, his heart is going to be his undoing – but he doesn’t know it yet. It is great foreshadowing of what is to come for Gregor and is such an important thought that it should end a chapter, let alone a paragraph.
In another descriptive section on Aldyn you repeat ‘fierce’ and ‘mighty’ or derivatives a couple of times and this jars. This could be shortened.
Fascinated that you use the surname Menteith in this tale. It is still generally agreed that this noble family betrayed William Wallace and handed him over to the English. Balliol abdicated in 1296 and was exiled in 1299 and Bruce who previously had not followed the patriotic cause did so after Wallace’s execution in august 1305. You mention that there had been a few years of peace but this was of course the time of the Wars of Independence and the most turbulent, written about period in Scottish history. Prior to the tale opening there must only have been a few months of peace at most perhaps. I grew up on Wallace street in Falkirk and the tale has been in my blood and head for fifty years. I will be checking in on your story regularly. Best of luck with it.

Eleanor Raif wrote 300 days ago

Thanks Tricia! It really is difficult to edit a 600 page novel yourself, and despite my attempts at consistency, I have missed quite a lot, so I am happy for this opportunity to have others read my stuff.
I guess I will have to learn the lingo, because I am not exactly sure what 'incredibly tight' means...unless its pants you are referring too, and in that case, its a bad thing! :)
It starts out like a fairy tale, and that is one thing I am hoping doesn't scare people off. I tend to shy away from perfect 'fairy-tale-esque' stories because, well, more often than not, life is just not that way. Eventually, life gets rough for these characters, which is what I've tried to illustrate early on with Aldyn's struggles to overcome the loss of his wife.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading, you're sweet to do so and I hope you're up for reading more when I post it on here. You rock! <3

triciapixel wrote 301 days ago

This is a beautifully written book. You completely surround the reader in the time period, but of course, I'm a sucker for anything romantic and anything Scottish. Throw in knights and a castle, and I'm sold. Your writing is incredibly tight, but there were just a couple of places you might have overreached with the adverbs: awoke brilliantly early is one. And, there was a part in chapter one where you say "a bird of some sort." You might be able to get away with losing "some sort." But, I really love the story. Alana and Gregor have fantastic chemistry and you have a gift for building sweet romantic tension between them. I think this is a book which will do well on this site and should have no trouble finding a publisher. Good luck.

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