The Eagle's Gift

Your book is still haunting me, even with as little as I have read, so have decided to go ahead and back it. Will continue to read on. Good luck.

kiddies, a reader

Dear Dyane, Can't get your story, it images and descriptions out of my mind; obviously it has made an impression, even though I had read only ch 1. Here are some comments and suggested crits on ch 2.

All very well described. Especially the scene showing the towns desperation and gloominess, and that of it denizens.

"...had a terrible experience just now, but I am fine now." ---- suggest move "just" to before "had"; delete "now"
"...hard-working man and was proud..." ---- suggest delete "was"
"...despite the fact...the trees." ---- suggest might be better as "despite its sad condition."
"...than he let on but was..." need comma after "on"
"...be compensated for trouble..." ---- insert "his" after "for"
"Anger that no one...able to intervene." ---- insert comma after "no one" and after "slow death".
"...finally relaxed at looked..." ---- should be "and"

Am increasing you stars to 5, and m looking for shelf space after I have read a little further. Good luck, and God bless.

kiddies, a reader

Dear Charlotte, Hello. I am a reader, only, here. Have just read your first chapter of Eagle's Gift. Very strong, with good mental pictures. Will definitely continue. 4 stars for now (I start out low and work up), but if the good writing continues, high stars and bookshelf soon.

I have only 3 crits for this chapter:

"But Terryl was not...expectations of others...asking from his mind." ---- I think this would be better as "...and he dismissed from his mind the questions he knew they were asking."

"...as it billowed and writhed downward, reaching towards..." ---- think this should be "...reaching toward..."

"...and leeching onto the gold-edged..." ---- "leeching" -- bleaching [out], sucking [out], or bleeding [out] -- is not very good here. I think what you are trying to say is that the evil cloud is "penetrating", or "absorbing", into the feathers. Or perhaps, "seizing", "grabbing", or "clutching", would be better.

Best of luck, and God bless
kiddies, a reader

An imaginative tale. I liked the use of eagles as protagonists.

It is quite a stately beginning for a children's story and feels like a telling of an old myth.

I wasn't sure about the use of "Orleans" as a name. Why one real place amongst a host of made up ones?

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Great character development! Kids will love this. Happy to place your work on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

I've read chapters one and two. This is beautifully written and imaginative. I don't find the pace too slow at all. I think it is perfect for children. There are parts that remind me of Alice in Wonderland, Neverending Story, and The Matrix, all childhood favorites. I like how we begin in the Eagle's Land looking down on the world and then discover later that the world doesn't know of such large, talking eagles. I think such a story would inspire children's imagination and their powers of observation; using vivid details allows children to picture the events but also provokes children to view the world through a writer's keen senses. I think this story could help expand creativity and vocabulary.

I like to take specific notes, but I don't have many.
Chapter 2:
~ "She noted that the white paint..." This sentence is long with many adjectives.
~ I believe you use the word "discern" several times in this one chapter.
~ "the bell hung idle, unable to be rung..." This is passive. I think "unable to ring" would be fine.

Great job! High stars.

-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

P.S. I think your husband does wonderful covers. I love the photo, but I have one suggestion. The crispness and subject of the photo reminds me of something very patriotic, maybe about the USA's governmental system. I think this could be fixed with a slight tinting to some more fantasy-like color, like blue or purple-ish.

Dyane,

Gosh I love this so far. I think the beginning is well paced, not too slow, and draws the reader in with the imaginative characters and the saddness that the world is dying. I'm endeared to the Eagles and I have hope for the Nardinites. I want Charlotte to rally and bring hope. I've only read the first two chapters since I've been given a project :)

I found a few typoes. The only one I can remeber is "relaxed at looked at the sky" in chapter 2.

Will be back for more!

Kat

"The large nest, made up of twisted....."

I would shorten this sentence. It is quite a bit long for a children's book.

The story has kind of a slow start to it, but I like the concept.
I will back it for a few days.
Good Luck!

Linda Nelson
Aaron & Keja: Time Dragon

The Eagles Gift - by Dyane Forde
I was first struck by the ease of reading your style allows. As I read, memories of JRR Tolkein came to mind, how you developed your characters with a human sense. I very much feel that this story has universal appeal, young and old, it has a strong message for all ages. The writing is beautifully simple, and yet, it is perfect for this tale.
I don't get involved in correcting grammar and punctuation, there are others more qualified and better suited for this task. From a cursory review, The Eagles Gift is well constructed with well developed and believable characters, and this work will get good stars and backing from me.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy
Raindancer

I just read to chapter 7 of your book! Love the cover by the way. The story itself is very interesting. I especially like the eagles and the way you've portrayed them throughout. You can do so much with that and it is interesting how they have so many human characteristics. This allows the reader to picture them, letting their imaginations soar (figuratively ;) ).
Terryl is obviously a leader and a gifted one at that. There is an air of mystery about him, like he knows more and sees all. Eagles are beautiful birds and I believe they do give people a sense of hope. You portray this well in your book as Princess Charlotte takes up the quest to save Nardin. The turmoil and destruction in Nardin is clear through your vivid descriptions. Princess Charlotte is one of your strongest characters and I like how she eventually defies her father to save her kingdom. I really liked her escape from the tower. I am also a fan of Enian, who I'll be glad to see more of as the story progresses. He seems to have his own personal obstacles to overcome, as does Charlotte. I can see their relationship developing into something more.
Personally, I think you should read through your book and literally say the quotations you have out loud. Some of the dialogue (which is tricky!) is very formal and it is hard to picture people actually talking like that. I don't, however, want you to lose the wonderful landscape you have painted. If you feel the dialogue fits with that landscape and the time period, keep it! I thought you did well with the scoundrels dialogue. Those are just my opinions, take them as you will!
Overall I enjoyed what I read and wish you the best of luck! :)

Sar
In the Depths of Shadows

Hi Charlotte - thanks for writing this, I've read the first couple of chapters and am impressed by the visual images that you describe. I've always liked the symbolism of eagles. Looking forward to reading how the story progresses, but so far it seems extremely well written. Only slight comment is that the story is almost moving too quickly. We know that the neighboring countries are in a very bad way, but there might be scope to include more information, just to put everything into context. Maybe this comes in later chapters though.

Peter
Falscastra - Journey to the King.

Sorry it has taken me so long to read this. I’ve only read up to Chapter 9, but already I love it. You are a wonderful writer. The flow is great, and I didn’t really see any issues with grammar. The world that you have created is so intricate and interesting. I found that you gave us information little bits at a time, so I didn’t feel overwhelmed by it. I also find that sometimes with fantasy novels, because these worlds are something we’ve created, it can be a little confusing. Too many names and places go in one ear and out the other, and the reader is left confused. However, with your story I didn’t find this at all. I liked all the different lands you created, and didn’t think that there were too many that it became too much for me. You description is amazing. You paint such vivid pictures in my head, and really let me see what it was that you were creating. I loved it. You have a knack for describing things, without overly doing so. It really is a great story, and is building up to be a wonderful adventure. I have so many books to look over on here, but I hope to come back and finish this one as soon as possible. I just wanted to send you my thoughts so far. Also, your writing style is just so superb, I will be reading your other book as soon as I can. I’ve really enjoyed myself!

Best of luck

Janelle Stalder
Eden

Hi Charolette,
I'm going to try not to ruin any surprises here so if I'm vague that's why.
I am so sorry it took me so long to finish your story; this holiday season is really kicking my ass. I digress:
I didn't notice anything glaring with grammar or spelling; I will say some things seemed a little long winded. There were a few moments in the later chapters (starting with 12 I believe) where I wasn't sure if you knew exactly what you wanted to say. The first instance of this was after Enian had finished telling his story (which I loved btw) and Charlotte said something like she wished she had stories to share. That whole exchange felt awkward to me.
That said, you set pieces were awesome. My favorite description also comes from chapter 12 when Charlotte was laughing and it sounded like a bunch of young girls were laughing because of the echo. You said something like it lit up the valley and brought it back to life which was an awesome image to me.
Drogon was another sticking point for me. In Enian's story, Drogon sounded fierce; and then he orchestrates this attack to take out a giant eagle; but when we first meet him he won't shut up. He doesn't really seem evil or capable of taking over a kingdom; he seems more like someone who just wants to be heard. Also, him wanting Charlotte to marry him, giving her the ultimatum, felt forced too.
With the characters, and this is just me, but I like seeing characters act out emotions instead of being told how they feel~i.e. Charlotte laughed because she was happy or something similar. We can guess that she was happy because she laughed. That's just me, though, it's not really a big thing.
Also, someone in one of the previous comments said something about ruining the ending; I don't remember if it was Enian's story but I kind of guessed where the king and prince were. I don't think it ruined the ending, though. The last couple chapters did feel rushed, though. It felt like you were trying to race to the end instead of giving it time to come to us. That said, I liked the time you spent letting us get to know Charlotte and the Prince at the end. I think everything that happened made it that much more of a happy ending and I really enjoyed it.
I feel like I'm just talking about the end of the story; I loved getting there. The whole thing kind of felt like a Zelda adventure; it was just a girl and her animal companion out to save the world. I really liked the idea and I thought you did a really good job of setting everything in motion. I was also a fan of the arrow coming back into play. Something I really wanted to know more about was the love between Enian and Charlotte. I think there's a lot of potential to use with that; a love between an animal and its master. I think it could be really cool.
This was a really good story and a really fast read. Good luck in all you do with it.

Brian

Hi Charolette,

This is a wonderful piece of work, and I admire you’re writing style. The words flow so nicely, I forgot I was reading! I love the characters, perfect for an eagle. I’m looking forward to finding out how Charlotte meets her new companion, and how their relationship develops. Best of luck to you and The Eagle’s Gift.

God Bless,
Dana P. FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

One word, CONTINUITY! You have spoiled it for me by making a simple continuity error, is the woodsman called Patty or Paddy? Take a closer look at this text and you'll see where my confusion comes from.

However, I must also say that what I have read is very good, but what age are you aiming at? The language is rich but maybe too difficult for under 11yr olds, but the story could be too childish for the 11 & up age group, making it tricky.

Anyway, I may come back & read some more soon, any chance of a return read?

Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

You have demonstrated an utter control of brilliance in your choice of descriptive words. I often forgot that the eagles were eagles, due to the incredibly powerful narrative description of your writing skills. I love how you bring everyone to life from Charlotte, King Cyril, Terrly and your entire cast of brilliant characters. You are book shelf, Barnes and Nobles, Pulitzer Prize writing material if ever there were one to be honored for such awards.
Sincerely, LFRJ of IBFC

I love the idea that this story is narrated by eagles - it's really a neat idea and very well executed. I think your title could be stronger. I wonder why the choice of eagles - I don't think I've seen it done anywhere else and it is an interesting choice of animal - why not hawks or ravens?? That's not criticism - just curiousity! But otherwise this was a very enjoyable read and I would continue reading.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

So I finally finished all 18 chapters and was NOT disappointed. What a great story, and I think it's unfortunate that people (including myself) typically don't read past the first few chapters. The brilliance of this is in the storytelling. WriteAway said it best. This is an adult fairy tale, and one that's very well told. Great villain, great mysterical characters in the Eagles, great protagonist, though she does get whiny on occasion, and good, strong plot twists.

Great, inspiring story!

Phil

This is very good. Like an adult fairy tale.
WA

Just read your second chapter and it does not disappoint :) Still loving your story. No errors jumped out at me. Highly starred! I'll be back for more.

BHCG Review:

Pitches: Really clean and straightforward. The first three chapters delivers on it.
Plot: You've really changed the first three chapters. It is definitely improved. I like from the first chapter that I will be reading fantasy. I like the second chapter in which we meet Princess Charlotte and her ordeal with the two numnuts. I like the eagle that rescued her. And in the third chapter, I like how you introduce her family and the possibility of help for the kingdom.
Dialogue: I'm more of a dialogue person myself, and I saw where the story could have been moved along with dialogue rather than narrative, but that's only one opinion and completely subjective. What you have is not stilted nor does it slow down the narrative any. The pacing was spot on in the first three chapters.
POV & Style: I like the third person and you're really good at it. I know that in the fantasy genre, there has to be more narrative but I like that you have personal information, like Princess Charlotte wanting to kick off her shoes on the hill.
Overall: For a person that is not a reader of fantasy, I enjoyed yours very much. It had a hint of darkness but not graphic and there was a nice blend of narrative and dialogue to move the story along.

Alice

BHCG Review
Title; OK.
Pitches; Forth right, just telling what the stories about without cryptic clues. (I hate it when people do that, do you)
Plot:Good for a fantasy, YA novel, plenty of mysterious elements. Just one nit-pick, I'm not sure, if calling the place Nardin is wise. Too close to the Narnia books. People will compare your story to them. I'd also like the MC to be involved earlier. We read about her in the pitch, but don't see her in the first chapter.
Dialogue;Clear well formated. Easy to read. (Sometimes I need a dictionary to read some peoples stories on here)
Voice;The same, clear and easy to read.
POV;Told in third person, refreshing. I write in third. Many people choose first here. Third gives you a chance to get into other characters and gives a story feel.
Style; I like your writing style, it sort of flows well, if you get what I mean.
Publishability; Definately, writing is good enough, just a bit of tweaking neccessary.
Overall; An interesting story, which I enjoyed reading.
Best of luck to you, Orma

You improved chapter 2 as well. I think the action with the two thieves has made an extra hook in chapter 2 and strengthened the lure of the story. Also, your imagery was good before, but I think it is better developed with the changes you've made. In chapter one, the extra imagery made the Eagle Kingdom seem more complete. You added lots of solid details too in chapter 2 making the Kingdom of Nardin a fuller world. Those extra details have fleshed out your world.

The Princess'es character and personality comes out better now as well. She is more natural and real feeling. Good Job, Dyane. Keep it up. This is very good. I think this has gone up a star or so in rating too. I really like the changes

I really think chapter one has improved. It is much clearer and I get a better feeling about the Eagle's Realm. Many of my earlier questions have bn resolved very nicely. I have to say that your changes have greatly helped the story. On to chapter 2.

You have a beautiful book, your imagery let me see exactly where this takes place. I love the Eagle--so very majestic. This seems like a book younger readers would adore. I wish you the best of luck with it.

~Bethanie

This is the kind of story my eleven-year-old grand daughter typically likes to read--fantasy with speaking animals and struggle between good and bad (I'm anticipating since I did not finish the book). The first chapters have captured me enough to want to read more before I submit a full critique. (However, I did notice several spelling errors that you might want to fix. :) )

I just placed my book, Escape, on authonomy so I'm brand new to this. I'm looking forward to many good reads as well as constructive critiques on my work. Take care. Georgia

Hi, there – this is your CCRG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I had to read the first several paragraphs more than once. A YA book should embed its talons in the reader from the first sentence, but instead, you’ve written a thoughtful and contemplative start. Would it be possible to begin with some action?

“Eagle’s Land’s highest mountain” is a bit clunky. What about “the highest mountain in Eagle’s Land” ??

I’m seeing lots of verbs of being….”But this was not the case.” “The land was ragged…” “Men were scorching…” “…the spirit of the world was writhing…” If you can replace the majority of these with more active verbs, your story will be much stronger. Some are easy fixes “Men scorched” Others will require you to recast the sentence.

In Chapter 2, I’m surprised that to read that “the castle sits humbly.” Most castles, I would think, would sit proudly or honorably…but not humbly. Or given the state of affairs, perhaps the castle sits forlornly, as if even its appearance reflects the evil present in the world.

Which building did Ms. Adriana, the school teacher, order painted?

“All the servants dreaded crossing paths with the housekeeper.” This line directs the reader away from the dialog, when what is needed here is clarification about who has spoken. I think – and it’s just my opinion, not a fact! – that it would be better to say, “The cook and maid shrank from the advancing figure of the housekeeper….” Or move the sentence that starts “Her high pitched voice, which bordered on a screech….” to the beginning of the paragraph.

“Found the object for which she had come…” You can delete the ‘for.’

I wondered why we met the housekeeper. Was her introduction, and the conversation of the maid and cook – essential to the story?

“…her eye would stray to the spritely wild flowers…” I think you wanted sprightly.

“He wore his hair loose so that it hovered neatly around his ears.” I can’t picture this. Hair hangs, rather than hovers. When you say he wore it loose, I assumed it was long and usually held back somehow. So it wouldn’t be hovering or hanging about his ears.

“…our help must come from another source than men.” What about “our help must come from a source other than men.” ??

This is a lovely and interesting tale, but I can’t see it appealing to the YA crowd. It’s too contemplative. To appeal to the teen reader, who has the Internet, video games, and television available, we need more conversation and less narrative. More action and less thought. The sense of fear must be greater – perhaps via a story about loss among the humans? – and the presence of evil much stronger – perhaps Charlotte could overhear a story being told to her father that demonstrates the power of the evil?

I like it, but I’m not your target market (=:

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Shame you have a red arrow. I remember your book from a while ago. Must have another read.

Hi ,
just a quick note to say I am loving your book "The Eagles Gift" and have 5***** it. I will put it on my book shelf when i get space. Just wondered if you have time, you could cast your eye over my book "THE SNOW KING".
Only if you have time though.

Pete

Hi Dyane,

I’m pretty sure I owe you a read, so here I am. I hope you’ll forgive the long wait. As always, take my comments with plenty of salt. I tend to be critical because that’s what I find most useful myself.

Chapter 1. ‘He looked down’ – not sure why you can’t just say who ‘he’ is straight away, it’s not as though you’re trying to keep it a secret.

Nice imagery. Though if I hadn’t read your pitch, I’d assume we were in this world – what with the reference to ‘humankind’ and all. As it is, I guess maybe this is a parallel world? For instance, ‘Orleans’ is obviously a word from this world; ‘Lystra’ I’m not familiar with.

Some might say don’t jump straight into a flashback at the start of a book. Personally I’d say do it if it works, but I’m just not sure it’s needed here. You could convey the important information through Terryl’s present thoughts. As it is, it feels a bit jumpy because you keep going back and forth between two scenes that are reasonably similar in setting and in tone.

‘Her name is Charlotte’ – y’know, I’m still a little confused as to the exact setup of your world. There’s a mixture of fantastical names and very familiar ones. I’m never convinced by using real names in a fantasy setting unless there’s a reason for it – alternate history, for instance, or people crossing from our world to another. Still, I don’t know what yours is yet so I will reserve judgement.

Yeah, I’m not sure why this needs to be flashbacks and not just told in the order it happened, which would save the confusing back-and-forth.

Chapter 2. Crikey, Nardin isn’t in a good state, is it? But if no-one has anything to trade then I would guess the villagers are on the edge of starvation, which makes me wonder why they haven’t revolted or gone off to find a better life elsewhere. Still, you’ve created a pretty vivid sense of apathy here – good stuff.

I have plenty of sympathy for Charlotte, but at the same time I’m longing for her to do something about it – which is hopefully what she will do over the chapters to come :-)

Another flashback. Again, not sure why this couldn’t just be put in the right order instead of jumping around so early in the book.

‘It’s enough they speak of revolting’ – ah, so they have considered it. Strike my earlier comment :-p

Overall I wanted to feel more emotion in this chapter – feel Charlotte’s despair at what’s happening to her land and her people and her mother, so by the time she breaks down and cries at the end of the chapter, I can really feel why.

Chapter 3. OK, she’s doing something! That was quick. Almost too quick. I realise that something about seeing Terryl has given her a change of heart, but I’m not clear on whether he actually did something to make her feel that way, or it just came from her, or what. I almost wanted the moment between girl and eagle to have more about it than Charlotte just spotting him in the sky. An instant of communication, or looking into each other’s eyes, or something that would lend the moment the significance you seem to want it to have.

‘Tell, me’ – misplaced comma. (This is the only one I spotted. You’re generally pretty darn good with the punctuation ;-)

Oh dear. I can understand where Cyril is coming from, wanting to protect his only child, but I also feel for Charlotte. The relationship here is well drawn.

What I find hardest about this story so far is that the threat is so nebulous. Everything is failing and dying, but I don’t really understand why. And although Charlotte thinks she can find someone to help, I don’t see what she’d think she could do – how would she know where to go or what sort of person to look for? Even the significance of the Avians is vague, in that I just can’t grasp what kind of aid they could give. It seems to me that either the people would have an idea of the specific threat they face, in which case they’d know what sort of help they need to fix it, or they wouldn’t realise it was actually an external threat at all. I mean, if your crops were failing and your people were getting sick, you’d assume it was a disease and you’d look for a cure. But I just can’t get a grip on (a) what the threat really is (forces of evil, natural causes, mankind’s own destructive impulses?) and (b) what the people THINK it is – and those are the two facets that seem key to the whole book. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, that’s all I have time for today. Let me know if anything I’ve said is confusing/stupid/missing the point completely, and I’ll try to explain myself better :-)

Splendiferous imagery! I am a huge fan of archetypal literature. Very well written. I don't think I came across a single gramatical error. Unique names for characters is a plus. You've done an excellent job with characterization and the character's plight is sure to compell your audience to read further. Impressive opening chapter. Six stars! Good luck with this. I think it's sure to be a classic.

All the best,
Trista

Dyane,

There is some lovely writing in this. It drew me immediately into your fantasy world. I have read the first two chapters and will put you on my watch list so that I can read more when I have time.

I wondered what age group you were aiming this at, 14-16? The vocabulary and expression is quite mature but I felt is suited the complete fantasy world that you had created.

Tracey

Well I read all of this over the past couple of nights. It's not really my cup of tea now - but when I was younger I would have liked it a great deal. (I remember a fairy tale that went a little bit like this, though of course when I was young the princesses in fairy tales had no real stamina, all they did was wring hands and be helpless.)

I was pleased that you didn't give away your secret too early!

I did make note of some typos for you; let me know if you'd like to have them messaged to you.

The Eagle's Gift.
I will use this as a Christian Crit. read, and I'm back to take up where I left off... my I was rather harsh on you before, with all those nits, but your story is definitely worth perfecting.

Ch.1 (to refresh my mind). Wow! I remember your style now. 'Men were scorching its surface with pollution and war machines.' Great words.
Dont you mean eyries?
Try not to repeat words too close: 'look' in the first paragraph, and then 'each' in the 5th.
And one more hint, before I forget about nits and concentrate instead on the beauty of your descriptions.
If you did a search of all the '-ly' adjectives and experimented by deleting all but the most absolutely necessary, I'm sure you'd find your story flows more smoothly, and the message will be stronger.
You describe intuition well - some intangible thing like a relentless, pestering thought...
And those thin spires rising to the sky 'like leprous arms seeking the warmth of the sun.' Poetic indeed.
Have you edited this since I last visited - or is it that I'm in a more receptive frame of mind. It seems to have improved.

Ch.4. New ground for me, now.
That's a unique picture of the eagles going about their daily business - the eaglets and mothers, the hunters, the sentinels and the commoners. You paint it well, with Enian presiding over all.
You speak in a rich prose, heavy with feeling and full of colour. It is an ancient style which lingers in the mind. Unlike modern succinct, fast-moving stories. You'll have to target your readership carefully.
You dont want to have two 'terrible's in consecutive sentences.
The soft breeze and the subtle movement ... jumping and darting his gaze to the ground. (you dont need the suddenly and the slightly words) clevery describes Bromir's guilt.

Ch.5. Yes - one can achieve great things by imaging them in one's mind, as Charlotte is doing.
A faint touch of humour with the maid's entrances, well placed.
And then I am Charlotte, flying above Nardin on eagle's wings.

Ch.6. You can safely delete 'as far as she could see' from that first paragraph, and see how much better it sounds.

But your writing is improving as the story progresses - or is it just that I am becoming enthralled.
Those words jar a little: 'she hit on an explanation.' Couldnt you just say she realised?

Must stop now. More stars, and thankyou for the treat.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Dyane,

I read the first three chapters and found no Christian scene or Character. When do you bring these in? Or have I missed something? It's a great store. I was just wondering when you would bring these in.

My story Time of Jacob's Trouble doesn't introduce a Christian message or a Christian Character until Chapter 19. So, I know sometimes it is held off. Demon War also holds it off till Chapter 3. Then The Unholy Trinity introduces them in Chapter 2.

Best wishes with your story.

Don R. Budd

I think the book is good but the second sentence in the the first chapter isn't a complete sentence. It threw me! Reconstruct!

The first few chapters provide the reader with a descriptive setting and character profile. The story is unique and the plot is interesting. I look forward to reading more of this diabolical thriller.

Dyane,
I have had the opportunity to reread your book. Now, I understand what's going on. Now, I'm sure it was from me sitting at the computer all day. What a great premise for a story, In my opinion this story is much like our world today. As I have already stated your writing is very crisp and clean. Your descriptions are very vivid and your words are like music to the ears. My only complaint is that I would find other words for the pronouns he and she. Backed with pleasure. Lisa

Such a wonderful voice in this, it read so polished. I love the opening. I think it's a great parallel to our world, with the ravaging of the land and these protectors looking after us. Your descriptions are pretty awesome, I had an easy time putting the pictures in my head. I haven't seen anything in the way of things to critique these first 3 chapters. I'm really impressed with your writing. I feel this book should be doing better in the ranks! It's impressive on so many levels. I'll definitely add this to my shelf soon and hope to give you as many days as I can. You deserve it.

Missy

Dyane,

Read chapters 2-4.

I don't know how the previous chapter 2 read but I found this one was very well done. I feel with every chapter I read that everything is quite regal, other-worldly. As if the perfectness of the world you created is just about ready to shatter. Amazing how you were able to convey that in your writing. In fantasy, I know there is a lot more narrative because you have to show the reader what you've created and you do that well.

I will be back for a more thorough critique with chapter 5-7.

Alice

Dyane,
You are a poignant writer. The concept of Nardin and the setting of castles reminded me for my reading when I first was married. The dramatic plot holds a interest. I will keep it on my watchlist till I can read more later. God Bless You!
MaryBe

Hi, Dyane! I realized we are in the same Christian fiction critique group and the BHCG group. This'll just be a regular review. I just finished your first chapter. Having the eagles as main characters is an interesting concept. It reminds me of The Secret of Nimh and The Magic of the Frogs, a work by a fellow authonomer. It's also intriguing that you reveal the eagles are somehow connected to the evil invading earth, but leave your reader uncertain as to how the eagles are involved. What have they done that has allowed evil to come to earth? This question may propel your readers. I was a little lost during the flashback. At one point, you mentioned that the eagle Lord was considering a former conversation, and then I think within the flashback there was a paragraph where he put aside his musings to focus on that conversation. The part where he refocused on what was being discussed threw me for a minute. When you were talking about the eagle lord reading his son, I think you intended to say he read his son's eyes, but unintetionally left the word "eyes" out. Thank you for sharing your work. When you have a chance, I hope you'll check out my Christian novel, Leave Me Asking. Best of success in your work!
Jonie

A BHCG review

The Eagle's Gift
By: Dyane Forde

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum  - The tone is set quickly: There is still hope downfall of the world of humankind. Hope is strong word, used often in the first chapter.

Pacing – I like fast, short chapters. The flow was smooth, so it keeps the reader going, but it felt a little hollow in places. The wording is clean and I only stumbled over one sentence in the second chapter - . “It was between these rocks, hidden in the shadows cast by the sun, that she sat, quietly contemplating.” It felt a little clunky. Maybe restructure it so it only needs two commas. Good visual, though.


Characters/Characterization – Though I understood what was going on in the first chapter, I felt the characters were a little blank. Some mild description or a few more character building sentences would do wonders. In the second chapter, this line standing alone - How she wished she could fly – gave a solid visual of what Charlotte was feeling and desiring. Maybe something like this to help plump up the characters in the first chapter.

Point of View/Voice – Very smooth. Easy to follow.

Style – Simple, easy to read. Maybe a little more scene/environment description in the first chapter.

Dialogue – All in all, very easy to follow, and believable for the type of story. I had to stop and reread the conversation Charlotte was eavesdropping on in chapter two, but only once.

Originality – Typical storyline – but solid one to reinvent.

It is obvious that you've put some time into cleaning up this story, and it's easy to read. Me personally, I would like a little more to bite into as far as description, nothing overbearing mind you, just a little more to paint a visual in my mind of what this land is that is. Good luck!

M.E. Shekinah
Albert: A Gray Matter

I like this its easy to get in to and its nice to read something different, its going on my shelf;

Alison

I will come over and do a more indepth read in the next few days. I just wanted to take a quick look at your chapter one that you said you had worked on. First impressions are that it is a tighter read(Although, it was initially too), but this has a flow that is even better than before. A really great introduction. I know this is really general right now, but I don't want to go into specifics as my brain is fried from doing reviews. I'll come back when I'm a little fresher. Looking forward to starting in on your Ch 2!

Best,

Ashley

Hi Charlotte.

I read Chapter 11, and had no real comments. Perhaps the Keeper could have said goodbye to them with some portentous or enigmatic message as a send off is all.

Chapter 12. The romance is blossoming. It seems to be a little fast to me, but I really have trouble with romance parts.

Chapter 13 “…facing the truth about ourselves is the scariest of all revelations…” Nice.
Their love still seems to happen a bit quickly for me. Although there is some explanation, I think more may help.

The following is a suggestion:
“And [it seemed as if] Mount Tagaran [itself had caught their mood for it] also heaved one last great explosion of gas and ash before it too fell silent for the night.”

Then when Enian tires and they land for the night again:
The paragraph starts: “You are right,” he acquiesced,…” then it says “She located the spot to which he indicated.” I suggest: “Looking about, she located the spot he had indicated.” Does that seem a little better?

As they go to sleep at the end of Chapter 13, how about if the noise of Mount Tagaran is ominously there in the background. It may help end the chapter with some extra suspense.

Chapter 14. I’d suggest that some extra descriptions of Mt. Taragan’s ash and noise could perhaps add to building a sense of dread now that they are close to obtaining their first goal. Like Mt. Doom in Lord of the Rings. It's roaring was a backdrop for the suspense.

Enian’s despair was well written. I did like his determination to “…write for himself a new ending…” You really have these absolutely beautiful gems scattered throughout the story.

The end of 14 needs something. I can’t put a finger on it. It’s like they are talking about Rescuing Charlotte too analytically maybe? At least that is my impression. Otherwise I am rooting for Enian to get back in there for Charlotte.

Again, these are my opinions. The writing is very well done and if it needs anything, it is a bit of polish. The story is definitely going to be a good one for young adults in my opinion.

Thanks again. I’ll look for more time to finish up your posted chapters in a day or two.

Hello Dyane, I remember adding your book to my shelf after reading just the premise and after reading a couple of chapters, I feel it was the right choice. The beginning seems good and explains the scenario well. Yes, I agree with some of the other comments that it would be better to mention that Terryl and the other characters in the first chapter are Eagles. I have had to go back and see if you did actually mention that but could not find it anywhere. I will go on reading this further and get back. By the way, the cover page looks fantastic!!!

Hi Charlotte,
I read the next 5 chapters. I did have a few comments. These are just my opinions which you may find helpful or not. If not, please ignore them. The writing is very good. No obvious punctuation or grammatical issues I can see. Nothing to jar the reader. A good job of editing has been done.
I am greatly enjoying your land of talking eagles. The story is growing more clear as I go and I can feel its threats and hopes. I am still a bit unsure of the reasons for delaying some information, but am eagerly reading to discover it. I do see that there is a secret kept by the eagles we’ve yet to learn.
Chapter 6:
Chapter 7: I may suggest that Enian when chosen seemed to accept it very quickly.
Chapter 8 at beginning: The logic of Enian’s sudden infatuation with her seems too absolute and too quick. Perhaps he should struggle with what he also sees as an infatuation, but then succumbs to it as he gets to know Charlotte better?
Chapter 8 at end. She tells Bromir her story. Several times you have been vague and leave possibly untold parts of the story out. Perhaps just a couple of sentences here, describing most of what she tells him would be good?
Chapter 9:
You are building a great extra mystery of why Terryl cannot fight the villain, Drogen. This part I can sense a surprise in that is yet to emerge. A purpose is evident in the author’s vagueness on this subject.
I like how you said that the sickness in men makes the land ill. And, how the Love in Charlotte for her people contains great power. This is really coming together as it goes along for me.
Standing by someone is not doing nothing for them. Nice touches keep slipping in.
Chapter 10:
Jute is a good foreshadowing of the threat Drogen presents.
Love “…proved to be as difficult as trying to catch sand with an open hand.” Very poetic. These little sayings are jewels!
Hurrah for Charlotte at the end of chapter 10! The action was well written and gripping. I was definitely rooting for Enian.

Thank you for posting such a great story.

This is a beautiful story and I really pray it gets out there and into the hands that need to read it. Be they young adult or middle age adulr( like me) . :)
Beautiful words, penned with deep emotion, hope and love. Threads are woven through this work that just about anyone can grab hold of and identify with even if you have written a fantasy.
There is a huge market now for YA fantasy. Last week after I read an agent blog about a recent Christian Writers conference and heard that news, I did a little happy dance. :)


Have a great day!
Blessings,

Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Hi Charlotte.

Thank you for letting me read your story.

First of all, let me say what an engaging story this is. It is very well written and has me eagerly looking forward to more. There was a good hook in the first chapter and nice follow through in the next, to carry the pace forward. I like it very much.

I do have a few comments that I hope may be useful to you. There are not many because I think the story is written so well. Please remember that these are my opinions and that you should use them only if they work for you.

Chapter 1:
I think you should say near the beginning that the first speakers are eagles. That, I suppose, constitutes a personal preference. I can see that it may have been intentional, but I'd think that ploy is usually used when there is something to hide from the reader.

Chapter 2:
Where the paragraph starts - "Hush!..." I'd combine the next paragraph with it to be more clear that it is the new arrival, Armel, speaking.

Chapter 3:
When Charlotte speaks to her father, I think it'd be nice to hear her say whatever words she had composed to say. Just knowing her father listened doesn't allow you to convey her emotions and maybe even despair.

The paragraph, "And here, Charlotte learned the true story of the Avians,..." Why not tell the true story? To not is a little like having the volume cut out in the middle of movie. Is there a reason to not tell the story now?

Chapter 4:
Something happened at a council meeting of the eagles? I feel like I missed something.

The accident also is skirted around. Maybe I am too blunt, but I would just announce his accident and what that means.

I like the way Bromir and Enian have their friendship explored. Bromir cares, but is very careful not to make Enian feel less an eagle. It may help to spell that out some more to the reader.

Chapter 5:
I think the escape was pretty cool. I'm going to have to read more to see what happens next. I really have nothing to suggest in this chapter.


The story is well written and enjoyable. The evil shadow makes a good threat. Nice work.