Pinocchio

Rebecca has to be one of the most expressive, most sensuous writers I've ever read. Two 'most' superlatives in one sentence and I haven't scratched the surface. Her opening poem may be one of the most erotic pieces written in these modern times. She's a poetess first and prose writer second, and I'm envious.

It's unfair to review Pinocchio as a finished product and indeed she tells us it's experimental. For me, it would work as a straight erotic fairy tale, but whatever Rebecca does with it, I'm sure it will be moving, loving, and tender.

I back this and if the author finishes this sexy, poetic pastry, I'll be back to back it again. Highest marks for originality and sensuality. I love it.

Since you ask, I think you try to stuff too much in a single novella (or novel). I'm not sure the SF works and the gratuitous gay scenes diminish the, uh, thrust of the story. If you pardon another pun, it's disjointed, but I think you know that which is why you asked. Still, it's a worthwhile project with smooth writing. and I give it backing.

Wonderful writing, and a wild storyline. I can see why you're having trouble working this into sci-fi from the very erotic base you've built, but I wouldn't worry about it. Move on and see how it evolves; adjust afterwards. There's nothing that says it has to be any one way. Yes, this started out with a lot of erotica. But reading on, that part became less what I was seeing, and I was more involved in the sufferings of these men and not-men. By the end of 21, I had almost forgotten there was ever any sex involved. I just wanted to hold someone and comfort them.

I am absolutely in anguish for Pinocchio, and very curious to see how you proceed. I did find a couple of typos - let me know if you'd like to have them messaged.

Interesting. Watchlisted and will read in the days to come. I might even have suggestions on the storyline-problem you are facing.

Most of the problem doesn't become too apparent until the last bits as the story is getting ahead of the sex, though Samuel Z Jones had a neat comment on the ambiguity of David's sex and I'd love to know your opinion on that as well :)

Interesting. Watchlisted and will read in the days to come. I might even have suggestions on the storyline-problem you are facing.

The Voice here is just plain fascinating; exceptionally clear and unique. There's a sexual ambiguity to the characters though; I don't mean that their sexuality is ambiguous, the blurb pretty much sets us up for that. I mean that the PoV character's gender is not at first clear. This is due, I think, partly to the intentional ambiguity, and partly that a woman is writing a male character in first-person. Jared is a clearly masculine character despite that ambiguity; he's seen from the outside. Our PoV hero though "sounds" like a woman; how men act and speak is very clearly drawn, but how men think needs some... re-imagining?

I don't want to imply for a second that it's not great writing; it is. Eroticism is layered into the prose; I'm having a typical "I don't usually read this genre but..." moment, it is very good.

Oh, and Pinocchio is in the public domain; the story pre-dates Disney. The same would apply to Snow White, Cinderella, Aladdin, Beauty & The Beast, etc etc. But not Lilo & Stitch; Disney do indeed own that, and might get upset if their characters appeared in erotica =)

Excellent work. While I'm not a reader of erotica--as I'm sure you'll hear often here, unfortunately--I found the nightclub exchange to be be very well done...tittilating and engrossing, speaking to the sexual nature of us all, helpless to our lusts...willing victims ( I use the term very lightly) as we can be to it.

The choice of the Pinocchio metaphor is brilliant. Truly. I do wonder, however, how far you can take this work before the fine folks at Disney step forward with a battalion of pin-stripped Stormtroopers armed with briefcases hunt you down.

I thought the tongue in cheek "absinithe without leave" sounded a little much (why would a character be such a character as to say that?) until you introduced it as a cocktail at the bar. Then I appreciated the cleveness.

Very nicely done...if not for my aforementioned legal concerns, I would think literature of this quality could go far.

Best,

Eric

Blimey. I can honestly say I've never read anything quite like this before. It's certainly well written, descriptive, evocative. I can't even guess where this stuff comes from - it's like writing out a drug trip. Not that I'd know, I hasten to add - it's like I'd *imagine* a drug trip...

I have no idea where this would sit on a bookshelf. It's almost art rather than just literature, although I did think your opening poem/song went on a bit too long. But I'm intrigued as to where this is going and I just really hope you can keep this up (in a manner of speaking) for a whole novel. I almost don't want to carry on reading in case you lose the scene you've set in the club. It's hauntingly beautiful in its own way.

You might want to mention a bit more up front that your MC is a bloke. I wasn't sure for quite some time and there's no clear indication. The fact that he's making dinner for Elena (presumably female) isn't enough.

I like this. A lot.

The brevity of the descriptive prose is about right as the pace is quick and the story flows well.
Dialogue is very good and realistic.
I like the quirky narrative prose too with excellent similes and metaphors.
The MC comes through nicely and the first three chapters read very well.
The storyline isn't my cup of tea but you write superbly.
Shelved for the excellent writing.

Oo, thanks!

I also love the way David 'writes'--biggest reason the piece went on so long.

I'm (happily) surprised you continued reading that long if the storyline wasn't your cup of tea. Doubly honored :-)

Obviously feel free to skim ahead and avoid all the sex. The storyline might be intriguing and I'm not really worried if the erotica parts are hot enough (seen some terribly written sex scene compilation erotica and I know this can stand with that). Not all of the sex is gay either (about half of the erotica is between David Surrey and Elena).

For great prose without the gay or so much sex, try the Forbidden People. It's a longer, ongoing work. If you can stand the journal format or a female POV, Omi's writing might be up your alley.

The brevity of the descriptive prose is about right as the pace is quick and the story flows well.
Dialogue is very good and realistic.
I like the quirky narrative prose too with excellent similes and metaphors.
The MC comes through nicely and the first three chapters read very well.
The storyline isn't my cup of tea but you write superbly.
Shelved for the excellent writing.

Where to start... hm. Well, I haven't read much erotica really, but I would guess that the pace of the beginning, getting right into the sex, is probably right. I was drawn in pretty quickly. I read through chapter 6 before getting back to work (mucking out the chicken coop. blech). I really didn't get hung up on anything and your writing was pretty well polished. I didn't catch any typos.

You've been busy, writing so many books! 3 uploaded here already, and all really good!

Jen

It usually takes about a day for your cover to show up...

Let me know if I need to alter the format. I'm guessing my cover isn't showing because I've just uploaded it... though I don't remember that happening earlier.