The Seventh Star

Both of your pitches are perfect. Your book is written well and is easy to read. My comments are usually generic so I won't waste your time--but I am backing your book.

This is certainly an immense story line that does draw the reader along. It reads like something I might have expected from Heinlein back in the day and that is good. I do think that you need to flesh out the four characters though. I found myself having to page back and forth a few times because all the way to the end of what you have posted they read more like names than like real people and they need to interact as frightened people would. Instead, here, they all seem to accept events as too matter-of-fact, ho-hum and that is far from the case of their circumstances. Give us some emotions.

Backing this for now based on the story. RT

When I read the first paragraph, I felt like I was watching one of those movies that starts out with narration as you watch the beginning scenes. I loved it! You are right, we do have similar tastes! I'm adding you to my watch list and will back you asap!

Dear Ethan,
What a great adventure! A little far fetched, as i can't see the Captain's chair being so accessible, but this is one of my favourite genres, so i love it. I sense a lot of research was done in space travel and ships, perhaps even many hours of watching Stargate and other such TV series. I was just getting to the fun part at the end of chapter two, but i do have to work, so will come back and pick it up again. Great work!
Maria
Darkof the Moon

This is an interesting premise and the opening chapters hold the attention well. The longer pitch is more appealing than the short one, but I would look at reworking both - in particular the last sentence of each, I would focus on telling more of the story than making claims about it.

This type of book has a huge market and I am going to give it 5 stars and my backing. I will look forward to reading more of it when I get the chance and perhaps comment in some more detail.

MP JONES (They Shoot Birds Don't They?)

Ethan,
While I'm not a huge fan of science fiction, I was mesmerized by the plot outlined in your synopsis. The star ship Aura is one I can imagine boarding to join in this adventure away from planet Earth which has a worthy mission and will lead your characters into unknown places they never could have imagined. Six stars for The Seventh Star.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Ethan

I have read most of the first chapter and have taken a lot of notes. It probably comes off as rather negative, but it's not. The premise and basic structure all seems good, just things like grammar and awkward descriptions and so on that need looking at. It's most important to get the story put down first though, and then go back for the details and making it read smooth, which is clearly what you've done. My notes are:

Uninhabitable is one word.

A majority of his friends? Doesn't sound quite right - THE majority of his friends?

Its maiden voyage, not it's - the only time when the 's doesn't imply possession.

'[...]her parents, who were quantum mathematicians, and she...'

'ripple-effect-like' - but I think its needs rewording.

'from around the country;' - I think the semicolon needs to go.

' "This way," he called.' This is a problem throughout. You have dialogue which ends in a full-stop (period) and then 'he said/she said' - it should be a comma.

'as that they were stationed' - bad. 'as they were stationed' is fine.

'the others began'

The undocking happens very smoothly and unassumingly. There's no fuss made about; no build up, or anything. It reads as though it is meant to be happening.

There's quite a lot of telling, step by step, rather than showing. For example, you say something about after hours of deciding what to do, they split up to explore. Instead of telling us that, why not show us the conversation? The other thing is, how could they possibly take hours just to decide to explore? That would take about 2 minutes. "Where are we?" "I don't know" "Oh well, let's look around"

'[...]a little more than creepy' - more than a little creepy.

On the way to Krys' room, the way you talk about things such as 'so they walked everywhere' just give the feeling that they've been there for days, at least, not minutes or hours.

'She nodded and stepped to the side'

'[...]she said aloud' - how else do you speak but aloud?

It's more than a little far-fetched and hard to believe that a child, no matter how intelligent, would help scientists design the systems of a space ship. More believable would be that he had spent a lot of time watching his father designing them and talking about them and so gleaned a lot of knowledge of them from that.

You don't 'sneak, tip-toed', you just tip-toe.

It is also a bit much to have us believe that a bunch of children would be so incredibly understanding of Kreys' mistake. I certainly wouldn't be, and I'm an adult (just). They went in with the understanding they'd touch nothing, and then she just marches over and sits in the seat they all know takes commands from thoughts. Not to speak ill of your beloved character, but that's stupid, and not something to so easily forgive. There'd be at least a little bit of resentment, surely.

On that note - someone else mentioned the chair being so easily accessible. Perhaps just state that they ducked under a tape saying 'no entry' or something to get onto the bridge?

Lastly, as I read no further, when she asks what he thinks 'they' are doing right now, specify that she means their parents and the other scientists.

Like I said, the story sounds good, and it's important to get that down first. I don't know if you've done any edits yet, but you'll find the first is actually enjoyable, as it'll be the first time you read your own book properly. I always enjoy that. It's the third, fourth, fifth and sixteenth edits that get frustrating. But all of these things can easily be fixed with even just one edit (though likely two - one for grammar/spelling/punctuation, and one to smooth out the descriptions and so on). That's a very nice cover, also :) I think with an edit, this will do very well. In fact, it's already doing insanely well for a book that's not even been up a month yet - how'd you manage that?

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Both of your pitches are perfect. Your book is written well and is easy to read. My comments are usually generic so I won't waste your time--but I am backing your book.

this is certainly going to make it to the NYBL... i just know it.

Nice job! I like the style and presentation - almost reminds me a little of watching Star Trek on TV. :-)

I can see it in my head like a movie... this should be made into a movie! (After being published, of course.)

Good story - characters neeed more depth though. :-)

great!!!

This is certainly an immense story line that does draw the reader along. It reads like something I might have expected from Heinlein back in the day and that is good. I do think that you need to flesh out the four characters though. I found myself having to page back and forth a few times because all the way to the end of what you have posted they read more like names than like real people and they need to interact as frightened people would. Instead, here, they all seem to accept events as too matter-of-fact, ho-hum and that is far from the case of their circumstances. Give us some emotions.

Backing this for now based on the story. RT

Short pitch of ‘The Seventh Star’ gives little indication of what this book is about. ‘Star Trek meets Armageddon’ or somesuch might be better. First sentence is too long in the long pitch.
That’s some accident to find yourself in the far reaches of the Galaxy. I will be fascinated to hear what went wrong.
Great exciting tale ahead, and lots of intriguing questions in the LP. Who actually is Kyle and how can he save the world? Also interested in the origin of life on earth thread and what you’ll make of this..

We start with Kyle Warner at the party on the day before the launch of the ‘Aura’ (I would have preferred the symbolism of ‘Aurora’ myself.) .He is narrating in the past tense and there is some clumsiness in the sentence you use to try and orientate your readers. In the sentence beginning ‘That’s how... and ending ‘2138’ shouldn’t he say ‘there’ instead of ‘here’ He is narrating from a future standpoint and not from the same place or even the same time he was in then. You use the word ‘here’ again a few sentences later.
The idea of a bunch of youngsters being led round the worlds ‘only hope of salvation’ spaceship by a distracted tour guide and then accidentally launching off into the far reaches of the Galaxy is a fun one but you need to develop the plotline more. There has to be a sequence of calamitous events leading to this. It happened far too easily and most of your readers wouldn’t swallow it. Apart from anything else there is little drama in what should be an absolutely thrilling moment in your tale.

great visuals, found a typo here and there - nothing to sweat over...

Good start, so far. =D

Okay, so after i finally get to the end - i want to see this in print. I have read several texts on this site and want to thank you for introducing me to it. I signed on to check out your book and have discovered others! I love this and will buy it as soon as it's available.. :-)

Really good book... i've WL it for later. Thanks!

Hi,

This is an interesting piece... I truly enjoy how the beginning gives a narrative but then switches to narrative first person. I've read through all but half and love it. Good job!

simply divine writing... i love this story and where its going. i will be sure to check back when I'm done at work!

Okay, after reading about halfway through, the only thing that needs fixing is your sentence structure. There are some that probably should be tweaked to make them more readable. Other than that, so far - still good!

I really like this. Great start, great story. Your style of writing made me want to keep going.

Backed!

Lou
~The Keenest Sorrow

Wonderful style - excellent word choice and overall, tons of imagination. I love this.

Ethan
I've read the first couple of chapters and find your writing style very easy to read and very descriptive. I can imagine the scenes in my mind, which makes it easier from a reading point of view. I will definitely read more as I am interested in how the story will pan out.
I hope you have every success with this, as it's a great read.
Jane (Jedye)

When I read the first paragraph, I felt like I was watching one of those movies that starts out with narration as you watch the beginning scenes. I loved it! You are right, we do have similar tastes! I'm adding you to my watch list and will back you asap!

Thanks for inviting me to read your work. The party was more enjoyable than most I have been invited to. A good book which I am sure will reach the top.

Dear Ethan,
What a great adventure! A little far fetched, as i can't see the Captain's chair being so accessible, but this is one of my favourite genres, so i love it. I sense a lot of research was done in space travel and ships, perhaps even many hours of watching Stargate and other such TV series. I was just getting to the fun part at the end of chapter two, but i do have to work, so will come back and pick it up again. Great work!
Maria
Darkof the Moon

Ethan,

I spent some time scanning The Seventh Star. Your long pitch is excellent, flowing, and perhaps you can work this style into your chapters. We can assume that "aliens" are a different "race," so the latter is superflous.

Overall, the ms needs tightening and real focus within individual paragraphs. I often violate the laws of punctuation, but when adhering to sentence-flow, it helps to use a semicolon now and then. Example: "...like a collapse of the eco-system;" add that semicolon. We go from Krys to earth's eco-problems all in one para, and by the next para we have forgotten who "she" is.

Once again:
"We made our way through the crowd; and as we passed, snippets of conversation could be heard...." Again, this para needs cleaning by adding the semi and comma as indicated.

Beware of exceedingly awkward sentences. Examples: "The only thing that would have stopped us would have been security...." "...she crunched her eyes closed tight..."

An editor or agent will stop dead and drop the ms if sentence structure is too hard to follow. I hope you can accept a little crit and clean what you have here. This story has good potential.

A.J. Campbell

Hi Ethan. I am happy to back your book. Great pitch by thye way. Please check out The Temple Dancer. (A true story).

Also, you should definitely try to make your characters flow more freely, they have voices of their own but there are one or two parts where it seems like they're being suppressed by the narrative.

This is fun, unique and offers an interesting perspective on a possible future that humanity may face. We can all take a lesson from this: let's not make it a reality. :-)

Hi,
Came for a quick look, as I said this isn't my preferred genre.
I think you have a good premise for an exciting story here. I think perhaps you may need to do some editing, to give more immediacy to situation. Things like an excess of dialogue tags can slow down the pace of the narrative.
I also didn't get a real feel for your MC feelings about the whole ordeal. It seemed a little blunt and commentated to, rather than showing me what he is experiencing and how that affects him. For example the last sentence, could really pack a punch, but you describe too much. Sometimes you need to trust the reader to fill in the gaps for you.
'What kind of anomaly?' I asked.
She frowned and took a moment to answer, ...'The ship's sensors have picked up an unknown life form.' If you take out the MC commentary, it becomes a more dramatic moment. The reader can assume he wouldn't expect her to say that, and it leads more into a hook for the reader to move on.

I notice you have a lot of 'that', and 'had' as well. I've just taken them out of this sentence to show how it can sound better without them,
Most of our parents were scientists, mathematicians and other associated occupations. We all knew the command chair required a certain amount of training.
Anyhow, just some tips I've picked up along the way, and my two cents worth. Hope it is helpful to you, and best of luck with your story.
Cheers Jacoba

Different and very interesting writing. A suggestion is to highlight the date earlier in the work. Also, checkout the use of the "cherry pick" feature for comments below--Home Page gives details. Good luck with your work. Chuck

Hello Ethan, I loved the story and your narrative style of writing. It is a style I like to use myself and many have a hard time accomplishing it but you have done very well. I backed you because you deserve it and would like you to look at 'the straw that broke the camel's back' one of my medical bio's please back only if you feel I deserve it. Much success on a masterful work. Denise

Ethan - nice, clean read, with a compelling style. You've obviously put a lot of time polishing this up. Looks good. I'll keep an eye on it. Best of luck !

Compelling. Consider changing your on-screen font to a san serif - like Arial. It makes for an easier read.

You have certainly got an interesting story line here and you've captured my attention, which is not an easy feat. I can't wait to read past your first chapter, but I'm scheduled to go to work in 20 minutes, dang it.

I will post a better comment once I get through the next 4 chapters, and I have a feeling I'll be putting you on my bookshelf!

Thank you so much! The aim was to be appealing to all persons, not just those that are fans of the genre. It is good to hear an honest opinion which is why I came to Authonomy. :-)

You have certainly got an interesting story line here and you've captured my attention, which is not an easy feat. I can't wait to read past your first chapter, but I'm scheduled to go to work in 20 minutes, dang it.

I will post a better comment once I get through the next 4 chapters, and I have a feeling I'll be putting you on my bookshelf!

You have certainly got an interesting story line here and you've captured my attention, which is not an easy feat. I can't wait to read past your first chapter, but I'm scheduled to go to work in 20 minutes, dang it.

I will post a better comment once I get through the next 4 chapters, and I have a feeling I'll be putting you on my bookshelf!

Such an interesting story - Juliusb is right... it is a fact that we will have to face. Maybe not in our lifetimes, but in our grandchildren's for sure. We are poisoning this planet. A very good read.... it took me 7 hours (I couldn't bring myself to stop) but I finished and WANT MORE!! :-)

More is in progress now... It'll be uploaded when ready!! lol :-)

Such an interesting story - Juliusb is right... it is a fact that we will have to face. Maybe not in our lifetimes, but in our grandchildren's for sure. We are poisoning this planet. A very good read.... it took me 7 hours (I couldn't bring myself to stop) but I finished and WANT MORE!! :-)

This is just the kind of book that makes me so interested in Science Fiction novels. Loved the pitch!!!

Thank you so much!

This is just the kind of book that makes me so interested in Science Fiction novels. Loved the pitch!!!

Dear Ethan,

“Over the last hundred years, the condition of the Earth had deteriorated quite badly, our numbers were too many for it to support any longer, and a decision was made to begin an exodus from the planet to search the stars for a new home,” – which is a fact. All these space endeavors of man to find another habitable plants when the earth has come to halt in supporting humanity that we are soon plunging into.

Good imagination. When I hear of space vessels being sent on space missions, where others are going take tens years, others – hundreds, others - ten thousands, others – hundred thousands, others million years, I wander how much true can that be. Your “The Seventh Star” paints a good picture that wonder world. Bravo.

Reading on.

JULIUS B [Destine to Triumph]

Thank you... it is such a strange feeling to see my words paraphrased. :-)

Thanks again!

The new longer pitch is 100% better!

Thanks!

The new longer pitch is 100% better!

Dear Ethan,

“Over the last hundred years, the condition of the Earth had deteriorated quite badly, our numbers were too many for it to support any longer, and a decision was made to begin an exodus from the planet to search the stars for a new home,” – which is a fact. All these space endeavors of man to find another habitable plants when the earth has come to halt in supporting humanity that we are soon plunging into.

Good imagination. When I hear of space vessels being sent on space missions, where others are going take tens years, others – hundreds, others - ten thousands, others – hundred thousands, others million years, I wander how much true can that be. Your “The Seventh Star” paints a good picture that wonder world. Bravo.

Reading on.

JULIUS B [Destine to Triumph]

Brilliant pitch..... Great opening, best of luck
Helen

Thank you so much... I'm very proud of the pitch... Think I might adopt it as my query letter from now on. :-)

Brilliant pitch..... Great opening, best of luck
Helen

Okay, I've gotten as far as chapter 8 now and i still love it just as much - the only thing I can really say critically is that you do need more detail in some spots. Other than that this is awesome!

I'm already on Chapter 3 and can't stop! THANK GOD that this is a full copy or I might go crazy from the suspense!! I very much hope that this gets noticed by editors/publishers/agents, etc. - I would buy copies of this for myself and for friends an family!

This is an interesting premise and the opening chapters hold the attention well. The longer pitch is more appealing than the short one, but I would look at reworking both - in particular the last sentence of each, I would focus on telling more of the story than making claims about it.

This type of book has a huge market and I am going to give it 5 stars and my backing. I will look forward to reading more of it when I get the chance and perhaps comment in some more detail.

MP JONES (They Shoot Birds Don't They?)