V

I enjoyed this. Sick, twisted, death, a bit of humour here and there. Nice.

There are probably a handful of people in the world who can write good, imaginative horror novels. Reading the first five posted chapters of V, I think author Hayley Katrin R might be one of them. If they can continue the story and keep up both the interest and intensity levels, it really may be something that makes people keep reading, and sleep with the lights on.

The really great aspect of V is the characterization. We really get to feel each of the characters involved, for better or worse in some cases. Combined with a unique story, this is a fine read and I’m anxious to see where the story roams in coming chapters.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

V
This is an intriguing story. The opening chapter is certainly dramatic. I wasn’t sure if the woman in the second chapter was the same woman, tho. Is there a way to make that clearer? Also, if the woman is only 17, would nurses refer to her as a “woman” or a “girl”? Either way, the story is interesting. Highly starred and added to my shelf. A few small things: nurses didn’t take blood pressures until the 1940s and didn’t draw blood until about 1960 in the U.S. The 19th amendment giving women the right to vote wasn’t passed until 1920. Also, were there Styrofoam cups in 1919? Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Wow, way to grab the readers attention and pull them in! There is literally no way you cannot be hooked after reading that. It gave me the chills in a good way. the dialogue is realistic and you did a great job of setting up the scenes, I felt like I could see it all in my mind's eye super vividly.
Great work here!!
Bre
Memoria

horrific

Your opening chapter, Hayley, affected me strangely. I was chilled and yet profoundly sad for the young mother in her weird delusion. But donning my writer's hat, I have to add my admiration for your imagination and skill. What a way to begin a horror novel!

If i may make some brief observations that may be helpful. There are places in the dialogue where it wasn't immediately clear who was speaking. And Chapter 2, extremely short, could beneficially run on into Ch. 3, which seems a bit too long. Your style is effectively classic and, beyond that, needs nothing to enhance it.

With your high TSR, Hayley, you must be swamped with requests, but I still hope you'll explore "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic love story told in the classic manner by a fellow admirer of Edgar Allen Poe and Mary Wollstonecraft. Shelley. --Best wishes, Bill

I think you set the scene well in the first chapter. The pace is about right too.
The revelation that the baby is a gonner comes out well and the vagueness of hysteria / puerperal psychosisis nicely done.
In the second chapter I felt there was a bit too much backstory in the conversation and it makes it look as if the sole purpose of the scene is to do an infodump. It's a hard balance to acheive the backstory v expository dialogue. May be worth another look at the chapter structure. Do you really need the reader to know all that?
Just a thought.
On the whole, a very good piece of writing and a good story in the making.
Backed.

How fascinating and terrible! I never knew.

A very nice reading which could be termed as highly remarkable and deserves 6 stars. Will put it on my book shelf soon.

Your first chapter is superb. You are masterful in building up our expectations about this baby before telling us he is dead: beautifully done.
You end the chapter on a lovely hook, drawing me on to chapter two.

I almost thought someone else had written the next chapter! I see, reading the other comments, that I'm in a minority of one with this so feel free to ignore the following, but I place it here for your use, should it resonate at all.

Having brought me so well into the plight of this poor bereaved woman you manage to alienate me from her. There is no sense, in chapter two, that Mrs Westwood has just lost her baby. Is it deliberate that you never name her? It becomes increasingly hard to sympathise with this nameless woman, or her mother, or her husband. 
I gave up after Mrs Westwood's mother comes on the scene.

I made some notes on the detail:
"not having paid attention to Mr. Westwood’s request" - not sure which request you mean.
"sluggishly pulling the bed sheets covering the woman from her" - this is a bit clunky, no? And would a nurse strip the bed before the patient's even left it? I'm doubtful.
"I’ll take you to them" - 'them'? You've only mentioned her mother.
"said the lethargic, older attendant" - unclear whether this is a second person or not. Is she older than the nurse you've just mentioned, or the patient.
I found the woman's conversation with the nurse(s?) less than convincing. I can't imagine a modern nurse having the time for such a rant, and in 1919 it seems very unlikely that a nurse would have berated a socially superior patient like that.
"her husband made his was behind her" ??
"she choked, an air of personal sympathy apparent in her tone.” " - not sure this statement matches what the mother has just said. Also, you have an errant set of speech-marks.

I'm sorry this sounds so negative. Let me reiterate, your opening chapter is superb; you only have to continue as well to have something really special.


Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hayley,
First chapter only so far. This is a haunting beginning which definitely makes me want to turn the page, except I won't right now because it's late at night and I am a bit of a coward.
I think that this is a very successful introductory chapter, with a well painted main character wrapped up in her sorrow, good ambiance, and an eerie sense of foreboding. It is well paced and balanced.
I suggest a comma before and after after "however" as in "These thoughts, however,..."
Will read further, but not tonight.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve
(Mrs Maginnes is Dead
Fresh Meat)

Hi Hayley.

Okay I just read the first chapter. While I thought your description was well done, I was waiting for a hook. Just when my interest began to ebb, I read, "The corpse had grown cold and stiff." I think I felt my hair stand on their ends, and I was drawn in. And I don't mean the hair on the back of my neck. I mean the hair on the top of my head!

I think you repeat the word "peaceful" a little too much, and that can distract the reader's attention.

{his peaceful slumber}
{rested peacefully}
{peaceful and composed}
{peaceful delusion}

Also you say interrupted a few times.

{the woman interrupted}
{the interruption a welcome release}
{interrupted her exit}

Maybe you could try to switch one of those out for another word or phrase. I think the last one could be revised easiest. Delayed, prolonged, etc.

I haven't read the rest of the story, so I don't know if the character resents it or not, but the nurse's comments, "blessings God has given" and "May God be with you" just seemed awkward. It made me wonder if the nurse was a nun, if this was a religious hospital, or the mother was a religious woman. So I think you could clear that up.. If the nurse is religious, is she wearing a cross necklace, or anything that you could use to show her devotion? Again, it just made me think of a nun.

Last, you say the nurse "smiled at her patient." I don't think you'd smile at a mother who is holding a dead baby in her arms. Is the nurse actually smiling, or is she forcing a smile to try to comfort this mother?

It looks well written. That was some hook. I am eager to read the rest, and see where you take it.

Hello Hayley-

book- EVE-
The cover very well suited to genre so stark and grim, pulled me in.

read all four chapters posted and found it to be quite a good literary read;
the first chapter had me guessing , as i started to read and then , thought, this is a weird story-,line;
that's not saying that i did not enjoy it ; it did.
In the following chapters it is shaping up to be a dark read as you build up the atmosphere brilliantly. most certainly authentic. Has the making of a film here.

wish you luck with it Hayley-
oblige and read a chapter or two of mine- you might like chapters-17-28-

tom bye
book-from hugs to kisses'

Hayley,

Not used to reading this genre, I was not prepared for the shock that awaited me several paragraphs into your fine story. I was happily enjoying your fine descriptions of the sun's rays and the day; I was impressed how you brought in background material (the grandfather, the father) by the woman looking at her child's smile... then BAMM! "The corpse had grown cold and stiff." Wow, that was great.

Not only is this a well-written story, but your writing style itself is outstanding. "As he began to hasten his pace, Mr. Westwood paralleled his rush, in both stride and tone." Both voice and feet rushing-- nice!

Your technique of calling your protag "the woman," rather than "Mrs. Westwood," was excellent because of the traits she exhibited.

When you gave the reader a description of what the woman looked like, you did it from the point of view of the elderly nurse, but I was distracted, startled, by the nurse being "overcome with ripened jealousy." It stopped me in my tracks. Why not just use the tried and true, "the nurse looked at the woman and saw..." Soon afterward you could slip in the nurse's jealousy, etc.

Another semi-distraction was naming the nurse West. Maybe too close to Westwood?

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed what I had read. It was excellent writing, and THAT is what I enjoy regardless of the genre or the story. (Although you may have gotten me hooked on gothic!)

Six stars and a prominent position on my bookshelf.

Good luck to you,

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

The spirit of Edgar Allan Poe hovers over this gothic tale, enlivened by moments of pure quirkiness. I loved the scene where Mr. Westwood has to change the baby's nappy! I tremble for our heroines, and hope that Mr Westwood will meet the grisly fate he seems to deserve. A tale full of atmosphere and brooding menace - thanks, Hayley!

read to about half way through the third chapter, enjoyed it, will star it well, the set up and the setting, along with the poe quotes, says gothic here, i like the use of the nurses to deliver background information, they also introduce the reader to a time when women's roles were changing and many women had yet to fully realize or grapple with the change, i did think a bit too much was revealed through dialogue, but yet the information had to get out somehow, interesting story line, a good one i think for a gothic tale, best wishes

Just finished reading all four chapters and my biggest complaint is there isn't more posted. So unfair! The story is shaping up to be a good one. There were a few phrases that made me stumble a bit, but maybe it's a US/UK thing? The first chapter was creepy as hell. Loved it!

Have taken a look at the first two chapters. The writing flows well, the dialouge is good and characters are good. Although not my usual genre of reading, this is well written and easy to read.

Timmy
Asylum

Loved the first 2 chapters. Happy to put this on my shelf! Good Luck. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

i like this a lot! you have a lot of nice lines with interesting word choices that really work well together. i love it and wish i had your writing ability. you have a nice balance between dialogue and description. and i like your main character a lot. i noticed a few typos though but theyre not a huge deal. highly rated and backing when a spot opens up.
good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Hi Hayley, I started reading Eve this evening and thoroughly enjoyed the great flow, great rhythm and poetic sensibility evident in your writing. There's some striking and original uses of language ('paralleled his rush' etc). Poe would be proud. Very happy to give you max stars and to back very shortly and I look forward to reading more.

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

The oasis of her child’s smile. Nice line. The chapter is a fast read. I love you start with a mother and her child. The birth of life is very powerful. You always think of tenderness, love, the future of the child, God, and much more. It gets you to want to continue.

I love when she interrupts the nurse and says his name is Matthew. Great, great moment. Loved it! The dead twist was perfect. 6 stars for sure. So ominous and dark. That’s my kind of story.

Wow!! Your chapter 1 is awesome! very well written! This is not usually my kind of genre, but I came across your book while looking for something interesting to read. I read you pitch and decided that I would take a look, something about it just grabbed me. After reading the first chapter I was so interested that I just had to read the rest! And I must say, I loved it!
-"she dreamed of the possibilities for such a flawless soul..." [I loved this! so beautiful!]
This was so sad to me, I'm a mother myself and can only imagine the pain of losing a child!
Chapter 2 was kinda disturbing, I was shocked at the coldness of her husband and mother!
-I really didn't like the husband, especially when he said 'can't I leave IT here for the night..' IT??? jerk!
I loved the ending of chapter 3, who wouldn't want to read the rest!
Loved chapter 4! Please let me know when you upload some more! I really want to know what happens next. I don't know why, maybe it's your dialog, but sometimes this reminded me of the Vampire diaries, you know, when they flash back to like a hundred years ago!
I will give your book a generous star rate! you deserve it!!! I'll put it on my WL and back it when I have an open spot!
Well done! And good luck with the rest!
Alret
(^^,)

I don't leave comments on the Agent's thread anymore (unless I'm being dumb) but I read the final version of your opening. You have reworked that into a thing of beauty! I liked several of the other versions but your hard work really shows here. Love it. Starred it. Will back it when I am able.

Emma

The cover gives off the automatic sense of something gothic...macabre.

The primary chapter blew my mind. Incredible twist. The second chapter evolves the twist to an even deeper level.

I have a sneaking suspicion who the second Westwood victim will be, considering the first five chapters...I have picked up a few hints, I believe.

I eagerly await more.

6 STARS

BACKED

Rob

This is the kind of book I’d like to take to bed with me and stay up reading late into the night. It’s got a great feel, great atmosphere, and a story that is quite fascinating.

The start is good, quite chilling. Unusual, too, which adds to the interest, and you have a unique voice. I particularly enjoyed Mr Westwood’s efforts to feed and change his baby. I couldn’t help liking him, even though he’s a snob and a boor (and possibly a monster, too?). You’ve made him likeable, particularly with his love of reading and of Dickens. A man who loves Dickens can’t be all bad!

The hook at the end of Ch.3 is great. And in Ch.4 I was gripped. Gripped I was. Definitely a book to take to bed!
It does need a bit of polishing, and possibly pruning, to make it really shine, though. And there were a few bits that left me puzzling. I’ll list the things that caught my attention in case they’re of any help to you.

Firstly, there’s an obvious anachronism in Ch.2: a nurse pours water into Styrofoam cups. This is 1919 (although the pitch says 1918), but, according to Wikipedia, Styrofoam wasn’t invented until 1941. I wondered, too, whether people would be casually attributing strange behaviour to hormones in 1919. The word hormone entered the language in 1905, so maybe ...

Then, I wondered about the scene in Ch.3 when the baby is handed over to Mr Westwood. Would the nurse not give the guy some helpful advice – such as on feeding, nappy changing, and the like? The poor man clearly doesn’t have a clue. Maybe that’s all they did in those days.

I also didn’t understand why the mother, Sophie, would have taken one of the girls and Mr Westwood the other. Might it not be more natural for the mother to come stay with him and help look after both babies? The house is certainly big enough! I suspect the split of the babies is crucial to the plot in some way, so maybe you need to keep it, but maybe you need to justify it to the reader a little better.

While I enjoyed the Cinderella story in Ch.4, I wondered whether it was necessary. I actually wanted to get back to YOUR story and find out what happens next. Let’s see what other readers think, though.

As far as the writing goes, I liked your style, though occasionally I was tripped up by it. Here and there I felt that either a word was used incorrectly or the wrong word was used, but I’m no expert. I think a thorough edit may be required to fix these. For example, in Ch.4 it says “Or conversation that deferred from her liking”. The word “deferred” seems wrong, and “differed” would seem the obvious replacement. Or you have “averted to” rather than “averted from”. There are quite a few similar cases throughout where a word jars a little.

Maybe some of the adverbs need editing out, too, and some of the ‘Ludlumisms’ – ie instead of ‘said’ or ‘asked’ you have: moaned, whined, smiled, interjected, begged, questioned, posed, sneered, pouted, scolded, exclaimed, implored, sustained, commented, snickered, etc, etc. This may seem a silly point, but I used one (‘prompted’) in my first chapter and a publisher told me off for it! She then rejected my book, though possibly not solely for that. :-)

I found quite a lot of obvious typos. I will send these to you in a message.

Anyway, a great story. I am really curious to know what happens next. The hook at the end of Ch.3 gripped me, but then Ch.4 starts 10 years later without, apparently, anything sinister having happened. Or has it? Good luck with this. I think the first four chapters are great. I hope the rest is this good!

BHCG. Review.
I was carried along on a romantic historical journey. I also learned some history on the way.
I cringed when the woman was injected. It was probably a huge needle. Didn't even know they had needles then.
Completely bewitched by your flowing flowery words, I couldn't stop reading.
First I wanted to know who the woman's name was.
Then I worried about the baby and how the poor woman was treated by the medical staff.
I was driven by hate for the old nurse and the woman's own mother. (Bitches)
Then I realise she is only seventeen and my heart aches more. But I wondered how she had managed to have three children at such a young age.
Finally it was revealed she had triplets and the boy died. Sad again.
Then I chuckled at the man's effort to look after a new born baby. (same as today?)

The story was clearly written and completely driven by an exciting plot and great characterisation.
I experienced so many emotions, reading your book. Just how it should be.

I had to drag myself away, as I've a lot on at the moment, but I have to come back. Each chapter brings fresh new twists.
I didn't know Max Factor was around then. So I'm learning a bit of history.

I really really enjoyed this reading.

I made it through your first two chapters. You have a beautiful writing style and describe the setting and characters well. You do this seamlessly with the narrative and it makes for a fast pace that intrigues the reader. I had only planned on reading the first chapter, but had to keep going. I am going to watch list you and come back for more at a later date. I am giving you high stars!

Best of luck with this,

Ashley- Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I made it through your first two chapters. You have a beautiful writing style and describe the setting and characters well. You do this seamlessly with the narrative and it makes for a fast pace that intrigues the reader. I had only planned on reading the first chapter, but had to keep going. I am going to watch list you and come back for more at a later date. I am giving you high stars!

Best of luck with this,

Ashley- Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

The prose jumps off the page. The first paragraph alone is a work of art. It goes from such sublime bliss to a shattered sick feeling so fast. As you realize how twisted the loving scene is. A mother dreaming of these wonderful things for her child, when it actually a corpse she is holding! How different the perspectives of the child are from the woman’s to the nurse is simply chilling. Great ending for chapter 1…”a man can only withstand so much pressure before he starts to crack.”

Everything just rolls so smoothly in a hideous sort of beautiful way. Very much as promised a dark piece and enjoyable- something about an insane woman jamming a cruxifix into a doctor’s eye…something like poetic justice there. I found Chapter 3 a nice reprieve with the genlte humor of a man not used to tending children doing just that, his love for Kenda shines through despite the difficulties.

This is a prime example of what books should be on Authonomy: succinct and expressively written. Backed, starred, enjoyed.

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

Wow . . . starts off serene and then BAM shocker. Love that. Easy reading and who wouldn't want to read on?
I'm impressed.

Susanne

Really enjoyed reading the first few chapters. It could use a polish, make sure all your timelines are spot on but this is an emotional special read. I will be back for more.

Read 1 & 2 and it's great! One point and I don't know if it matters: If "Mrs. Westwood is 17 giving birth then she would have to be 16 getting pregnant. Mr. Westwwod is a lawyer...wouldn't there be the slightest touch of a scandal? I just calculated it as a typo or something to be used later in plotting. That the Mr. hated this woman because he was forced to marry her out of shame. Being 16 and his being 26-34? Reading the pitch I was worried this was going to be a cookie-cutter Jane Eyre story. Superb work!

Hi CC,

I see you took out the prologue. Without having read deep into the novel, I think it makes sense. Besides, the language at the start of the first chapter is so much richer. The prologue seemed rushed, like you were trying to get us to the first chapter.

I think the third paragraph can be moved up with the second one.

Maybe it's just me, but the word "leading" in "leading thought rotating in her mind" doesn't seem to be the best word choice. I suppose it works, but you might consider "most significant" or something like that. Kind of a nitpicky thing, and some might disagree, but ultimately that's your call.

"she imagined..."
I don't think this calls for an ellipse.

At first, I thought you should add some drama up front about the fact her child is dead, but the more I read it, the more I realize you have it spot on. Very disturbing and the real drama isn't that the baby's dead, but that the mom has gone a little nuts. Very well written.

Only got through the first chapter,but plan to read the second when I can. Good stuff here. Great description and I think it works better as the first thing (hook) your reader reads, and not the prologue.

Great stuff! I'm recommending this to another author on here who really likes the heavy, emotional writing. I think she may like this, too.

Phil

Well crafted gothic tale--easy reading, quietly terrifying. Backed pending a fuller study of its ins and outs.

Bill (Faust's Butterfly, A Stony Path)

Great story you've got cooking! Love the whole psychotic discharge thing, etc. The old nurse is also an interesting character. You've left me wondering what happened to her in C2. Your dialogue is really good..My only critique is the whole make-up conversation-a little too long. Not a biggy. Great book and would highly recommend.
Dina of The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

An intriguing pitch! Very compelling. I am also a fan of fiction introduced with a quote or two, as you have done with Poe's excerpt.

The writing itself is very descriptive, but done masterfully and with eloquence. You have a vivid and sophisticated style. Highly rated,

TJB

Hi Hayley!

As promised, I read Chapter 4 of Eve and really enjoyed it! Below are my suggestions and comments for you:

- “You shouldn’t have let him touch … I’m almost done mine [perhaps it’s ok, consider also ‘I’m almost done with mine’];
- “Oh, hello Victoria!” Kendra beamed … I think we should maybe make two cakes [consider either ‘I think we should make two cakes’ or ‘maybe we should make two cakes’];
- “No, he wasn’t,” Kendra said, beginning to become agitated. “Hayden: remember? [Kendra said, becoming agitated (or ‘getting agitated’). “Hayden, remember?];
- “I though you didn’t like strawberries, Ken,” [I thought];
- … she tilted her eyes upward to notice the old woman’s squinted stare of loathsome aversion. [LOVE THIS PART! :)))];
- As I read I can’t help admiring your stunning manner of writing! I look up to you!
- Sophia looked up to Kendra, who was perched at the edge of her chair … We eat. In silence”. [In silence.”];
- … the girl said, her tone decaying to a deeper somber. [you are really good at details like this! you way of expressing things is admirable];
- “What’s the matter, Evie,” Kendra asked tenderly [Evie?”];
- “No. It was only after she ate over half her slice. She said it tasted rancid. She spit it out [She spat];
- “I guess,” the girl shrugged, whipping the tears from her blurry eyes. [wiping the tears];
- “I’m going to go see what Father is doing,” Kendra said to her sister … she said, stressing the book’s title in a eerie voice [in an eerie voice];
- “Thank you, Hayden,” Kendra chirped as she perched herself on the edge of the heath’s cold stone base [I think you meant ‘the hearth’s cold stone base’ – I had a hard time learning the difference between those two];
- “So, Christopher,” Victoria chirped, “What shall we be embarking on today?” [“So, Christopher,” Victoria chirped. “What shall];
- “Oh,” Victoria beamed. “That’s a wonderful idea! Girls: What would you like to start?” [consider, ‘Girls, what would you like to start?”];
- “Bloody romances” sounds great!
- “Father break off for me the first branch [“Father, break off…”];
- “Hardly had one hour passed before they had finished, and all flew out again. … ‘No, Cinderella, you have no clothes and you can not dance. [cannot dance];
- “You cannot go with us, for you have no clothes and can not dance. [cannot dance];
- “And when they got home Cinderella lay in her dirty clothes among the ashes, and a dim little oil-lamp was burning on the mantle-piece [mantelpiece];
- “The maiden cut a bit off her heel, forced her foot into the shoe … the shoe it is too small for her, the true bride waits for you’. [here you need to be a bit careful; first, ‘…the shoe it is’ – perhaps ‘it’ is extra; waits for you’. – you.’ … ‘This also is not the right one,’ said he. ‘Have you no other daughter?’];
- “’No,’ said the man, ‘There is still [“’No,’ said the man. ‘There is still];
- “This is wonderful, Father!” Kendra cried, her disappointment appeased. … He will send them to jail…or have them hung! [hanged!];
- “How terrible…” the other sister sighed. … The girls shouldn’t be tortured and hung [hanged];
- Before even a syllable could escaped the woman’s parted lips [could escape].

This is a breathtaking book, Hayley! When more is here, leave a message to me so I would read the continuation. Thank you so much for your support! It is indispensable to me!

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

Wow! Excellent first chapter! Could feel the women's grief and madness! This stays on my shelf!
Dina from The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

Hayley

Weasel words - I'm not an expert, just someone who reads a lot. Please ignore anything I say that doesn't resonate with you as the author.

That said, I'm torn here. There's a lot to like, but some serious issues. I love the setting and social/sexual politics of your chosen time, I'm excited by the premise and the characterization. And I have no problems at all with your style. However I do think the execution needs a lot of work.

First, you trail this as a WIP. If so, you should prolly put critiques like this to one side and continue to write you first draft. However, it may also be useful for you to consider my criticisms now so that you can see what you want to take forward into the chapters you have yet to write. Your call.

Very simply, I struggle with some of your writing. As an example, let's take your first paragraph. I'm sure some people will tell you it lacks the immediate impact they're looking for. Not me. I like it, EXCEPT that you repeat "How" - "She noticed how ethereal ..." "admiring how his delicate cheeks ..." I would recommend - as a minimum - rewriting the second one to avoid the repetition. You might also consider removing the "She" from those sections. So that instead of her noticing the effect of the suns rays, you simply describe it. I think the reader will understand it is coming from her POV.

I notice that you admire Poe and I wonder if I am handicapped in my understand of your work because I know little - just the Purloined Letter, I think. However I have read a lot of Dickens, Trollope, Conan Doyle, Galsworthy, Wells, Shaw, Forster et cetera. Not to mention, I own almost the entire PG Wodehouse collection. So I familiar with writing that is contemporary with your setting and with a lot of the best of what went before. And, as I said, I struggle with some of your constructions and word choices. This actually starts in your otherwise very effective pitch with the phrase "conclude his vows".

In the final sentence of your second paragraph, the phrase "a kin to" makes me scratch my head. Similarly, "they drew together, at anxious decision, over who would remove the child". This phrase has a good rhythm. It sets up your initial great twist. But it almost dilutes the impact because I'm still consciously wondering at your phrasing. Further, you obviously enjoy the word "displaced" because you use it in two places where it seemed either unnecessary or inappropriate - to me.

- Displaced a chair to the corner of the room

- Displaced a sharp pointy object into someone's eye.

Is this a bit of a Poe-ism, by any chance?

There were a number of other places where I had to ask myself - did she really mean what she just wrote? I think one case involved the word "insensible".

Anyway, I hope this makes some sense to you. Without understanding your goals for Eve (nice title by the way), I can't tell if the things I am struggling with are actually the exact effect you are going for or, perhaps, a misguided attempt to recreate a way of talking that I don't believe is appropriate for that time. Incidentally, although I loved the snarky aside "Yeah, that's what it was" from the back of the cab, that kind of put down really doesn't fit if you are trying to recreate an old-time piece of work.

I also feel that there are sections in the opening chapters - I read the first three - that will benefit from hefty pruning - for example the lengthy descriptions where one nurse is telling another what happened when they removed the dead baby from her mother - and from sensible rewriting - for example, he goes to check for an "available taxi" and then reports back that there is no "available taxi". But I think there will be plenty of time for that when you have completed your first full draft. My recommendation here - Read everything out loud to yourself. It's a huge help when you're trying to spot the places that need a good edit.

A final thought: Decide on the voice you want to use, and then stick to it. Your writing needs to be consistent. But be aware that if you keep things as they are now, you will make it difficult for many people to engage with your story.

Again, I hope this helps

Cheers

Evie

Hi Hayley,

I found this very hard to read. I thought a lot of the writing was rather awkward and too strained. The language used certainly didn't feel as if it were 1919, but the behavour of the nursing staff and doctor did as well as the attitude of the nurses.;

I don't know what it was about the language, but it had something to do with the way you structured a lot of your sentences that refused to let me settle into the story comfortable. The first sentence was hard to read and I suggest you find a better way to phrase it. I think part of the reason found it so hard to read was due to the fact that there seemed to be words missing in the sentences that would help it flow better, example: "so [that] the sedative".

And then at other times it felt awkward, it didn't allow for a cohesive and smooth flow: "hallway to attend to what"; "depression warrants her admittance into". Those two sentences are just examples of many. The first would have read better for me if it were "hallway to attend the" and the second as "depression warrants admittance" - and in these cases you have too many words which confused me.

I found it so hard and so distracting that I really cannot offer any advice on the actual story. I wouldn't feel that what I'm saying is true.

I hope this, rather brutal, OPINION is what you're looking for.

Joe

Okay...reread it. makes perfect sense after all. Must have skimmed too fast.

I can see why you don't want to get too far inside her head!

Hi Hayley.

I've only read the opening chapter so far and have to break there for now, but I've enjoyed what I've read so far. I like your descriptive style and the wistful atmosphere before the 'twist' is clarified. As Steve says, there's a sense of something ominous right from the start but for me, the twist was still a surprise and worked brilliantly.

I'll put this on my watchlist and will try to get back to read more. When I rotate my shelf I'll consider backing too.

Ruth.
The Scream

Haley - saw your thread about getting full reads. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to take my comments as you wish - but a full reply here for you.

I'm a firm believer in story and pace but do really enjoy a creative read as well, and you've gone for that with your own opening. Without being aware there was a twist I started to sense it fairly early and that slow awakening worked well for me.

Having said that I feel by setting this opening scene up for the twist you've been slightly too literary - as I read I found myself looking at the flow and mentally making changes I would edit in. It does work but with a little editing can be even better. Just by removing the first word 'holding', is a simple enough example. Throughout just the removal of a word in some sentences would, I feel improve this still further. Remove bright and coral from the next for me made it a better read, still the same impression but a faster pace.

From the moment you make the reader aware of the twist, the pace works better. I'm not sure the youngest nurse would have been given this duty, but thats a minor point. Overall it's a strong opening Chapter and with the horror tag, not my usual genre, you've done more than enough to make me want to turn the page.

Chapter 2 and another strong opening paragraph. In presentation training consultants emphasise the importance of three's and you've done that here very powerfully...she cried abuse, she founght the medication..and she appealed to her husband, taking us away from her to the wider scene. Almost like a camera slowly zooming out - nice touch.

With the doctors remarks I'd suggets removing 'the woman's and Mr Westwood and leave it with 'husband' I was aware who he was - minor edit. I'm not seeing any obvious typos or spelling mistakes so wont comment further on those unless there are some serious changes.

I am finding the dialogue just a little heavy, almost as though it's from an earlier time and you've not made that clear which period this is in. I suspect this is a part of the story and will comment no further for now.

Pace is good and enjoying that - was slightly confused when the doctor said she couldnt be discharged but the nurse then says she will be and presumed that's just them moving her to another ward. You do enjoy slipping into a literary style each time you return to the woman. Overall I like the images you are sending me and it somehow defines her as a distinct character but would would suggest care on being over literary. Adding in somnolent perhaps needs rethinking and the full paragraph with youthful exquisitness, natural soft honey highlights, chiseled cheekbones etc all work well individually but I felt en mass slowed the pace and took me away from the read.

Ok got the period now 1919 - still rethink some of the vocabulary perhaps for the modern reader.

The build from here is very powerful and you're now laying down the whole foundation for the horror. You've a huge amount of detail here, and it's perhaps the right place to do so, with the three births, the judge and the Westwood family, but I found the pace if anything slightly too fast. I became confused slightly in three areas- was she being discharged - if she's just 17 how does she have three kids - then later where are the other two? and then the reactions of the two nurses. It is a good read, adrenalin filled but the reader is still not familiar with the story yet and perhaps think through the sections and what you are trying to impart each time. Besides the adrenalin there are some other very strong positives - the images of suddenly finding empty medical files, crucifixes and then this tease into the history make this a good read so far. The story itself is excellent.

Chapter 3 - opening has him collecting a baby - same Mr Westwood - samer time period?

Slightly slower pace here, settling into the house and the daughter Kenda - think I saw 'the kenda' once?. Like very much the intro to the house from the taxi drivers perspective - literary but not overly so and left a very clear image in my mind. Careful with the build from there and the houses inner workings - once more each works for me but 'the whole' was slightly too much.

But behind all this the story is building superbly. The jokes about a haunted house, not believing herself, set a tingle - we know something is wrong as we're reading the book! The intro to Victoria has allowed us to meet Mr Westwood - the timing to extend the numbers of characters is about right and I've mixed feelings about him now, with his attraction to her and her youth. The dialogue now sits easier with me, perhaps because I now know the story and I'm intrigued by the slower build of the house and those within it.

By the end of Chapter 3 I'm clear how I feel. The book is almost like a play with two very powerful scenes, the first the hospital and the horror hidden from the participants but clear to the reader. In 'Act 2', it's more subtle and we're reading into the story trying to takeon the nuances of each person and event. The writing is strong and the story and pace work very well. I'm taken and believe what i've read.

I've made a few comments and will try to bring them together. Please do not take these overly negatively - as I said I've no literary training. Most books I've read on Authonomy I've found too slow, if anything yours is the opposite in places, at others spot on. There is a powerful introduction here with the birth, and a lead into the story with the events both in the present and the past. But the speed at which you took me through pushed me to pause and read back - review that - perhaps put a timeline with your notes for each Chapter and what information you want the reader to take on board, and what you want to leaving hanging - you know the story and we dont.

Having said that I'm really intrigued in the overall plot and this is not my usual genre. Best. Steve.

Hi Haley

I have to say, your first chapter is beautifully written. The adoration of Mrs Westwood's new son is written so well that I believed the baby was alive. Her reaction, to continue to act as if the baby were alive - imagining what he would be are (and I have not been in this situation) to me very realistic when in shock.

I did get the feeling though that you've spent a lot more time on your first chapter than the next two where I read up to. They didn't seem quite as polished to me, which was a shame. I found Mr Westwood to be an utterly convincing character, but the nurses (outside of the first chapter) felt a bit over dramatised, particularly where they were talking about the state of women today (their day).

Other than this, your writing was very well suited to the time period - the language was spot on.

Well starred and good luck

Silva

Hi Haley,

This story evoked so many emotions in me I’m struggling to keep up with them as I type this. Your opening, although incredibly poignant was intensely gripping. As a mother myself my heart ached reading of the pain of a stillbirth and I could completely understand the mothers fragile mental state. I don’t usually like a prologue but this on gripped me and just would not let go.

You really have a gift for bringing characters to life. I quite enjoyed and believed in all of them. The only slight hiccup for me (totally my personal opinion, and I may be completely wrong) I found that because you describe your characters so well and we see their actions through the story, it jars a little when you start telling us what they are doing also. It’s the boring old show don’t tell rule (sorry) but on occasion you unintentionally seem to do both.

I really do like this. Great premise and you execute it very impressively. I would have enjoyed a slightly snappier pace, that said, time allowing I would love to read on and on.

Hope this does well for you, the story deserves it.

Janny

Eve. Your cover must contain a symbolism of sorts. Your short pitch is a little stilted, starting as it does with the word commenced. Your long pitch prepares me for an exciting read. I, too enjoy Agatha Christie.

I take notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. You repeat 'as' three times in the first paragraph. It jars, despite the sensitive way you describe the scene of the mother with her newborn. Try not to use so many adjectives. Cut out a few, and see how much stronger your writing becomes.
Take care not to start paragraphs with the same word (As again). These sort of things stand out with editors.
Avoid adverbs (utterly, easily, gently, quickly, desparately, hastily). Remove them, and see the difference.
What a tragic chapter, beautifully described, and it will be even better when you've edited away the nits.

2. I'm becoming absorbed in your story. But take care not to labour the points: take away that sentence after Westwood saying there wasnt any reason for them to prolong her stay. You'll find you dont need it.
Why dont you give the woman a name, I wonder? I'm getting rather muddled about who is who in the dialogue.
Dont you mean she choked?
You tell the story of the insane nameless woman very well, through the eyes of the nurse.

You have an excellent story here, and know how to keep the reader's interest.

I hope you dont mind me pointing out all those nits. Your work is worth perfecting. We all know that numerous edits and re-edits are required to bring a work up to standard. Mine has taken 30 years to gestate, and I've lost count of the number of times I've edited it - and it still isnt quite right. But I guess you dont have to be quite as bad as I have been...

If you care to read Breath of Africa, I'd be interested to get your reactions. Meanwhile, take time to digest any constructive criticism you receive here, and dont lose heart.

Jane.

Excellent writing with a comfortable flow. I love the style. You have such a descriptive voice
There are a few edits but I'm sure you are working on them
5 stars
Junetee
Four Corners.

Hayley, I read chapter 3 and enjoyed it a lot. There are a lot of things I loved here – the description of the house, new characters of Mrs. White and Victoria, Mr. Westwood and the girl’s conversation in the library that culminated in the man suggesting killing his wife. Well, this chapter is supreme. I don’t usually have time to read long chapters on authonomy but yours captivated me with what was going on here, and your manner of writing appeals to me so much. While enjoying this chapter I came across a few things that I think may help you polish a very well written chapter. These suggestions are purely from the bottom of my heart. You have done a great job here. There’s one point that I was not sure about – did Mr. Westwood call his daughter ‘Kenda’ or ‘Kendra’ as I met both variants here several times.
- The taxi driver laughed. “Well, not here.” [the brackets at the end are extra as the speech continues];
- “Thanks,” the man replied sincerely … I reckon some people never get the leave [maybe ‘never get to leave’];
- “You’re house is the only one …” [“Your house…”];
- Suddenly, Mr. Westwood jolted forward … “Oh, Lord,” her moaned, glancing at the clock [he moaned];
- “I go by Colette, now,” the overbearing woman announced … Mr. Westwood was not fond of the Mrs. White animated demeanor [consider, Mrs. White’s animated demeanor];
- Following the weighty woman up the stairs … celebration with the diamonds that resulted from the rare occurence [occurrence];
- “Oh, the little girl!” the woman beamed … “Apparently she doesn’t have a taste for fine French perfume,” the she snickered [‘the’ is extra];
- “Still in the hospital!” the woman shrieked. … the Jacob’s residence [the Jacobs’ residence];
- “Oh, of course you have. How silly of me to ask,” she replied, an air of disappointed in her response [maybe ‘an air of disappointment’];
- “Of course,” smiled Mr. Westwood. … With this, Mrs. White finally left, and as Mr. Westwood watched her walk [either ‘and’ or ‘as’ is extra after the comma];
- Awaking from his nap, he noted the how the sun no longer shone [‘the’ before ‘how’ is extra];
- With this, Victoria bowed her head and politely nodded … After finishing their slices of pie that was prepared for their desert [dessert];
- A couple of weeks later, Mr. Westwood and Victoria’s dining … please do not allow her in”. [brackets after the period];
- “I shall, sir. I won’t allow anyone in,” Jean said … just sat in silent disbelied [disbelief];
- “Then it’s a date! After desert we will meet here [After dessert].

Chapter Three: the Boy with the Green Cap shows there’s a bond between Kenda and Eve. It’s nice that Kenda is willing to take care of her twin sister. And this chapter shows there’s a great difference between children’s and adults’ worlds.
One nit: As Eve made her way towards the door … strawberry cake for desert [dessert].
On the whole I’m impressed and happy to have come across such an extremely well-written and enjoyable story.

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan Amberlake

Hi Hayley! As a true fan of E.A. Poe’s creative work I’m happy to have come across your book, Eve. When I started reading Chapter 1 – Matthew II – I couldn’t help admiring your manner of writing. Your choice of words is exquisite, and is a genuine pleasure to read. This does read like classics and it definitely appeals to me. As for criticism, well, there’s only one nit – paragraph, ‘As she laid in her bed …’ should be ‘As she lay in her bed…’ But that’s easily fixable. I’m intrigued by what follows. So far really good.
Chapter 2 – Christopher – has a lot of dialogue between the nurses that mostly concerns the way mother copes with her boy’s death. Well, I was a bit shocked to find out towards the end of the chapter that she blamed (not sure, partly or entirely) the boy’s death on the girls’ survival. I wonder what the poor woman is going to do next. There are only two suggestions for you in this chapter:
Paragraph ‘Whipping her dampening eyes…’ – perhaps you meant ‘Wiping her dampening eyes…’
‘Oh, come on girl … He hung himself …’ better be ‘He hanged himself’
This is written really well. Your writing style appeals to me and I had a great time reading your book, so naturally I’ll give it the highest star rate.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder