The Trouble With Being God

William - Gina sent me here. She is not one to be argued with, and I don't often find she's wrong. In this case, she is most certainly right.

"Now, where did I put my razor...?" So gripping, so intense, so vivid - even when the line is said out of context of the gore and violence, I am so conditioned, so involved, that I find my own heart skip a beat. The way you link the opening to Steven's dream in 10, is a clever move. The prologue reminds me of the way James Herbert placed his opening in "Moon", and your writing is no less talented.

There is a dark captivation in the opening that means even the vivid description used does not feel like overkill (if you'll pardon the pun). Often in horror, I find less is more, and atmosphere can be more persuasive than the guts and glory approach. But you have bravely decided to go straight for the jugular from the go (deliberate pun this time), and it works well. You bring the story back down again, and I am drawn quickly into the plot and the tale surrounding Steven. He seems to have a hidden edge to him - a darkness that underlies his personality.

There is a lovely fast pace to this - are your actual chapters clipped in the finished book, or is it just to help with the speed of reading? Either way, it works, and the draw to move on hits you constantly. I only stop because I need to get on with other things, but I love this. The violence, the aggression, the heart stopping guts and gore of it. The spaces between the scenes of horror, and the way you spin the plot fill these gaps, are strong and direct, and I would love so much for a book like this to get picked up. On the shelf, and a thank you to Gina for the tip. Jason

Straight on the bookshelf. This is powerful stuff and very well written. This deserves to be right at the top. I'll do what I can to get it there.

William, great opening chapter! I have a very similar scene in one of my dark books, and it really gave me goosebumps to write, and a similar feeling here. I got a Dean Koontz vibe from the way you changed from evil to normal in the turn of a page, and I like the contrast.

I like the short chapters to get us into the story, and I like the punchy dialogue and the way you introduce the characters. I think the plot sounds well structured and you have a very strong narrative voice.

I will read further than Ch3 as I'm interested to see how the story plays out, but you're book shelved for now!

This is a grade-A thriller. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I've just now gotten into the swing of things with Backing and reading and such. If you want, come look at my horror novel Dime (aka Gauntlet / Weatherhead) again, I've added much more to it and done a total POV overhaul and name change.

Anyway, The Trouble With Being God. Maybe you should rename it The Trouble With Being Good, because this is a good book. The dialogue is a little Hollywoody, which just makes it all the more entertaining, because it's somewhat like watching a crime-thriller movie. You also have an admirable hand with descriptions. I look forward to buying this off the retail rack one day.

hi William. I seem to be apologising a lot today for a couple of late return reads. I got a bit muddled with my WL!!! Ok..Im a big wuss! Scooby Doo is scary so I kind of flicked through chap 1 (behind my screen) and headed on . You have a good story here for fans of horror and crime. The writing cannot be faulted and your style is strong. I, too, liked the short chapters! Im guessing a horror writer is looking to frighten and you succeeded . Huge best of luck with this!

Hi William,
Steven stands in the mirror and asks, ‘Who the hell am I?”. I could just as easily ask, “Who the hell are you writing a story like this?” It’s gripping and creepy in equal measures. Just finished the first 10 chapters – which sounds more impressive than it is because your chapters are so short. Sorry I’ve come late to the party, but I saw your thread saying no one reads you now that you’re not plugging, so I thought I would read it. Good ploy, hah?

The opening is seriously creepy with the sicko using the razor on the girl’s neck and then licking it before sending her off into oblivion where she can enjoy her God. Then, a second murder immediately – this time a guy has had his eyes gouged out and his body strung up like Jesus. Ouch. It was almost a relief to get to Steven’s messy life where he’s so desperate for a drink he takes a beer into the shower with him. So, our friend is a court reporter because he’s attracted to the dark side? Sounds like he’s about to get a dose of the dark side, big time.

I kind of skim-read the autopsy because I didn’t want to be sick, but did get the part about him being nailed to the wall while he was still alive. I like the underlying questions of faith and destiny with questions like, ‘what if Bergens would have had a bagel instead of a bagel for breakfast. Would something as simple as that have changed his fate?’

The relationship details were a nice break and after a while I forgot to be on edge as you lulled me into what I’m sure is a false sense of security. As a journalist, I’m interested in his job, so I also enjoyed the trip to the office to drop off the story and appreciated the pressure he was under to finish the story within a couple of hours. I was a bit confused about his argument with Fred though over the story – reporters on daily papers know it’s expected that they’ll drop everything for the sake of a story. Especially someone like Steven who gets loads of freedom otherwise. Normally you get that freedom on the tactic understanding that the story comes first. And even though they are having problems I would have thought Karen would be a little more understanding about this. OK, you’d be annoyed about being left sitting in the car, but not to come home seems an overreaction, it’s not like he’s at the pub!

Ah, then we get to his dream and I’m seriously creeped out by him after thinking that was a separate character thinking up those horrible acts.

I liked the soundtrack idea, although it did seem a long time between songs until I realised you had broken them up by days. In between I played my own stuff as I like to read to music. Not sure what your others are, but have you thought of The Chemical Brother’s Out of Control (the nine-minute version from Surrender) and Faithless’ ‘I Hope.’ Do you know them.

Anyway, I shall tear myself away now, especially since he’s lost his razor, and put it on my shelf to read some more later.

Cheers, Heather, Friends & Pho

William,

Your writing style is smooth but I am troubled by the shortness of the first chapter. What exactly troubles me? Not enough setting to show the reader where this occurs or how this became to be. Basicly, your using a brief horror scene as a teaser, and I can accept this to a point. But, this may or may not be more of a personal taste issue of the reader than a hard core publishing issue. I was also troubled how the POV knew his victim was looking up to the god she adored. How does he know this...unclear. Of course if that too is a tease and explained later I can then accept it as is, but if I read and end up with more questions than answers....book closed.

As is, I will reserve final judgement until I read more, for now, I will put it on my watch list and try to get back to it as time permits. As a side note...get rid of the preface, same it for the back cover page ... about the author...

Nick Anthony

I added this to my watchlist, I read the first two chapters and plan on coming back to finish this. I'm quite intrigued by what you have going on so far. When I get through enough to be sure, I think I will be backing this (which I accidently did before, but I moved it down to the watchlist instead).

William

I hope you find these comments helpful. They are, but one reader's humble opinion. Feel free to ignore them, or print them out and burn them. While I usually gear them toward improving a writer's novel -- with the ultimate goal of publication -- in your case you are, of course, published already. With this in mind I will refrain from any copy edit type suggestions, as pointing anything that I spotted would really serve no purpose apart from pissing you off (this is not to say there are errors, or that I, as a writer, would do anything different ... just to say that I'm not looking for them, and will not comment on them).

I suppose your objective at authonomy is to have your novel picked up by a larger press. Not an impossible dream: there is a writer from here in Sacramento, Shawna Yang Ryan, whose beautiful book "Locke, 1928" was originally published by El Leon Literary Arts in 2007. Penguin picked up the rights and will publish the book in April 2009 as "Water Ghosts". Of course, there are also foreign rights to be had -- and since everything here at authonomy seems to be keyed to Greenwich Mean Time, this is not a bad place to start.

So I suppose this will have to be more of a book review, than constructive comment. You’ve taken your work seriously, which sounds obvious, but not every writer does – your writing does have professional aesthetics and it makes a big difference. Your opening sequence is strong – and descriptively so. It introduces your novel in short, and powerful way. Just as short sentences have the greatest impact so too, I believe, with short chapters. They get the reader into the work, giving a reader a sense of progress ... encouraging the reader to continue on. Great way to start: you've got the reader on your side. It also seems that the action was a mistake, an uncontrollable and involuntary impulse. That while he was her god, someone else is his ... controlling his movement. And so from page one, we realize this character is under the delusion that he owns the situation -- he does not. Also shown by your excellent choice of words: appetite. He has no control -- he must feed the appetite. He can ignore it for a time, but it will return.

Too, we know little of the victim, and so her death is less emotional, though no less impactful. She could just as easily be the head of a bank corporation that foreclosed on a thirty grandmothers, an aspiring reality TV star, or an innocent high school girl. For all these people (I suppose with the exception of the reality TV girl) might rely upon the Judeo-Christian God in a time of distress. And so we know the answer to the obvious question, "what happened": a gruesome murder, yet as a reader we are left wondering "why?" and Who are the victim and Who did her in? These are the things compelling the reader on to the next page. The chapter's ambiguity and weight combine to form a fine opening.
(And I said I wouldn't but I'm going to comment directly on the last paragraph in the first chapter: I think it would be far more impactful as a single sentence by lopping off the first "he was" and replacing the first full stop with a comma. A short, concise, direct statement. OK, I promise no more of that. Honestly, it's a fine paragraph. Ignore me.)

Chapter two opens with the character of Steven, and the reader infers that he is the true protagonist in this tale. In an equally short chapter we discover a great deal about him, though we want to know a good deal more. And because it's such a whisp of a chapter, we dive headlong into Chapter three, and a good deal of scene setting. And the crucified corpse. At first we wonder whether it could be the woman from chapter one, and so you've done a good job building the suspense. It's not until halfway though that the reader learns the corpse is that of a man. So we have two murders. And once chapter four begins we have Steven dreaming of all the sorts of things that occurred in chapter one: naked screams, pleading, and pain. And we wonder if perhaps Steven is unreliable as a protagonist. Is he holding back something from the narrator and the reader? It seems he knows more than he's able to convey. Yet there are many parallels between chapter four and chapter one: despite the sunny day Steven's desire for the dark side of human nature, his appetite -- stomach growling, his search for something to satiate this hunger. While we're not instantly drawn to Steven as a character, we are drawn to his situation, and your clever little brush strokes keep us reading. Though he is odd. The hamburger and glass in the shower make us wonder about his judgment, and considering his dreams, perhaps also his sanity.
Your chapter-ending hooks are effective in that there is just enough, without being a topic sentence for the next chapter -- if that makes any sense.
Steven, as a lapsed Catholic, should be able to decipher the necessary symbolism of the crucifixion, if there is any -- or at least this is the readers expectation. I'm not a doctor, but the rest of the autopsy scene was well done, in my opinion. In all, I think you've got something good going. And were it not for the other 20 manuscripts I've promised to read over the next couple weeks, I'd continue.
Cheers,
Jason

Satisfyingly perverted in parts. Yet poetic. The conceit with the music tracks I like. It seems to point to an excellent marketing tie-in idea which would work great on an i-book format. I have only one quibble- I'd cut the amount of narrative telling in chapter 13. I like the final sentence's poetic feel and think you've deserved it. But I think a lot of what precedes it could be tighter. But that could just be me. I'm off skiing v soon so cant read more now, will WL it now and return.

Merry Christmas.

Best,
Freddie

Will,

First of all, sorry I never got back to you - thought I had but evidently I forgot like a prick. ANYWAY, I'm back....jesus mate this is gripping. I think I said last time, the first chapter really does get the attention of the reader. It made me very squeamish (but that's coz i'm a pathetic sod) but in a good way, and really encouraged me to read on.

Your writing is very accomplished, your dialogue is fluent and of a high standard and it's generally a very intense read - great stuff. I've no idea if I shelved it last time, but I'm going to this time, so don't worry!

Good job!

Oli

Chapter 5

-Crying nun? Already guessing the vic was clergy, maybe high up.
-"The two had transcended gentle conversation..." Transcended makes me think they have moved up the ladder of politeness or civility. Could they have jumped past gentle conversation, or skipped over the gentle conversation going straight to...?
-"What do you say we cut this boy open?" Just like a coroner to think of food in that situation. :)
-"Clotted blood around puncture wounds indicate..." Are you sure? He may have been recently dead before nailing (before onset of rigor mortis) where seeping fluids could have solidified. Could you say it 'suggests' instead?
Also, there are likely to be tears in the hands as the Father's full weight pulled on them. Without additional restraints or lashings, he may have torn free of the nails entirely.
-Though ghastly, I like being ringside for the autopsy.If you put me there, though, go all the way with it. I can understand Steven wouldn't need to stick around for the whole procedure, but show me everything a real coroner would do up to that point. (will you at least crack the chest cavity? Please?) ;)
There are full length videos of autopsy which can be rented, possibly checked out from a library, that go over the full process. It's wretch inducing, but complete.

William, you have a *solid* novel going. I'm a Nun's crack away from shelving it. No problems with your style, flow, plot, or characters, just the placement of Chapters 1&2. That's it. If you decide to change anything, please let me know so I can take another look, as I'm very interested in your project!

-Allen

Chapter 4

-Ah, the dreams...
-"Quite possibly the best reporter this mid-sized city had seen, the paper..." One of those misplaced modifiers. Says the paper is the best reporter seen.
-"Steven was intrigued by it..." More of the detachment and morbid curiousity... cool.
-Love the image of grinding pizza into the carpet. What a way to get out of bed. It just f*&%s your whole day up!
-"He hadn't been able to keep much down..." Hmm, I got the idea he wasn't phased by it, that he kinda appreciated the scene.
-A Man's man with foofy shampoo, beer and meat in the shower. Awesome scene!
-Great hook at the end. Your story is rolling.

Ok, this is pure opininon: I think you should cut the first two chapters and start at chapter 3. It's where the voice of the piece solidifies and flows. You give us a grisly murder scene that has the Seven-like suggestion it will be repeated, and then you give us another hook in Chapter 4 by telling us the victim was not random. I'm in, and I'm turning the page to see what's next!
Chapter 1 can be saved until later when there is context around it and it carries far more weight than shock value.
Chapter 2 is also very good, but doesn't seem to add a lot in the way of story development. You could cut and paste that in pretty much wherever you like, I think, because it did offer some interesting color on Steven.

Hey, William-
Getting to 'Trouble' earlier than I thought, which is good, because I've wanted to have a look for over a week now. From the early chapters, I believe this is going to be a highly subjective piece where people will love it or leave it. Likewise, my comments will be highly subjective. As your writing style is strong and clear, my notes pertain to the content itself.

Preface
I agree that there is a lot more to music than the overt themes. In "Immortal beloved" Beethoven stated it is the power of music to carry the listener into the mental state of the composer. Your use of music here is, I think, a brilliant move, building atmosphere and mood in precisely the manner you wish. I expect others may criticize you on it, however, with claims that it is "cheating".

Chapter 1

Grisly. Have to admit, I have mixed feelings about being in this guy's POV while he's cutting. You wrote it very well with great clarity and sincereity, yet it planted an uncomfortable revulsion in my gut looking through his eyes, having his thoughts, and having his way with a terrorized and vulnerable woman.
Where the chapter is so brief and so narrowly focussed, it seems to hang isolated from the rest of the story (so far). I'm not completely sure, but would it benefit from a sentence linking it in some way to a character in the story? Maybe Steven had those thoughts while looking at the Cosmo cover girl... that may be your point, but I'm not sure, and I just wish for one quick link so that opening sequence doesn't merely seem an island of brutality intended to shock the reader.

Chapter2

Lifelike, believeable, identifiable. A page lifted from true life with all of its imperfections. The chapter ends abruptly, however, like a dropped call on a cell phone, and I want to redial to get the rest of the story. Or maybe a tie in to chapter 1.

Chapter 3

I can see what the other commenters are saying about the Seven atmosphere. I like it. Moreover, we get the detachment of Steven as he can appreciate the sickness of the perpetrator, but only because it's good copy, not because it's morally outrageous.

-"...dessicated corpse..." He's completely dried out? I got the impression he was still gorey or rotting, since it was enough to make a cop puke (which would have to be pretty bad, I'll bet).

On to chapter 4

Hi William,

I’m sure this probably happens to most creative people, but when I see a song title written down, I get that song on the brain. I actually watchlisted this book last night and, for a good few hours, was stuck humming Jah Wobble’s “Becoming More Like God”, just on the basis of the title. Perhaps your preface is right.

Well perhaps. I don’t listen to music when I read because it’s distracting but if I did, and then a prompt to another tune came up in the text, it might confuse my simple little mind. Don’t be too surprised if a publisher wants to take these music credits out.

You’re not just influenced by music, I can tell that. Each chapter seems structured like a scene in a movie. How can I tell? Because chapter two, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it short as it is, just ends. It doesn’t promise anything or entice with anything. Doesn’t provide vital information to the plot and gives little about the character. It sets up a scene skillfully enough, reads very nicely, but then just drops flat.

The reason I’m pointing this out is because setting a scene can often be a necessary evil, and readers are used to having some reward for that. Scene setup, content, scene setup, content. Chapters two and three leap from setting up one scene right into another, and it’s a false start that the novel doesn’t need when you can’t be sure the reader has even taken it to the bookstore tills yet.

Fortunately I’m a fan of easy fixes and, as always, there’s one right here. You need to add another enticement. As if the woman’s slit neck wasn’t enough, another hook should seal the deal. Three lines of dialogue along the lines of:
A garbled voice crackled down the line.
“You’d better come and look at this.”
“Who is this?”
“Just get your coat and come to the brewery. Don’t waste time asking questions.”
The line went dead. Steven put the phone down and looked at the time.
“Shit,” he thought. “Why did I ever take this job?”

Now we have more questions: Who phoned? Why the secrecy? Plus it establishes how reluctant he is to leave the house at that hour. AND adds intrigue about the job. As soon as I saw it was a crime scene, I assumed he was a detective and this would just reinforce that misdirection. But it’s a good misdirection. Your first of many minor twists. He’s not the cop we’re used to in the genre; he just takes pictures.

Wasn’t entirely convinced by describing Eugene in depth and then describing Miles in the VERY NEXT paragraph (for the same reason as above) but I got through it quick so let’s move on.

Right, onwards. The cliffhanger on chapter three was much better. I like the setup of the murder, though at the back of my mind, I’m still wondering who the woman was in chapter one. As the reader, I’m guessing it’s Steven’s girlfriend and I’m feeling sorry for him already.

Using a shower to defrost meat is a stroke of genius. Have you tried this? I haven’t but I think I’m going to, just to see what happens!

Oh look, you end chapter four along the lines I was saying for chapter two. Well, if you take my advice on chapter two (and you should) then give a nod to it here.
“Not again, Steven thought. These people are ruling my life.
“At this kind of hour, the thirst for a scoop was almost non-existent.”

I dunno, something like that.

A few bits of the nitty gritty critty:

Double use of TO THE WALL: “Steven could see a trinity of railroad spike holding the body TO THE WALL, one puncturing each hand and the third through the pair of joined feet, affixing the body TO THE WALL.” If you ask me, you don’t need “affixing the body to the wall” at all. We already understand.

Accidental double-space: “tossed the magazine across the living room onto the end table”

“Eugene was every bit as ‘Eugene’ as the name sounds”… suggests?

“He dreamt of pleads for his life”… pleas.

DREADED BUTs! Starting you paragraphs with BUT is a ‘no’ and I stand as one man fighting for their destruction. You can compare me to Highlander or Mary Whitehouse, though I’d prefer the former.
“But then the phone rang. Unluckily…”

Second sentence of chapter four is a bit too long, could use breaking up. Perhaps to:
“It would have been a beautiful day, if the night hadn’t been filled with torturous dreams. Nightmares brought on by the images Steven hadn’t been able to shake from his mind after leaving the scene.”

That’s it for the crit. Thank you for reading it and hopefully there’s at least a few pointers in there you agree with. Story is shaping up nicely and there’s a space on my shelf for you.

Have a nice day!

Chris

A book with a soundtrack, what a great idea! -- ok, you didn't really come out and say that, but I think that's what you are implying?

I wonder if it is a coincidence that the main guy's name is Steven, which is SEVEN without a T...hmmm..

Now, in the opening line, do you mean his hand brushed across her neck? I guess you could say cross, but it has a slightly different meaning. Also, you open the next chapter with 'across his living room' you might want to consider changing one of them (I know, the smallest nitipiks, that's all I could find)

Arg, the opening is chilling, but I'm not much into horror stories. I still read to chapter two and my comfort level is back to normal now. I just love this, creepy and chilling.

oh my!!! I read childrens books...started to hide behind my computer!!! Well ,this is so clearly well written, and I could see how the idea with music added , that you have an original idea here. Well done!! What I like the most is that you have not overcomplicated....that is not an easy thing to do. I think many writers throw so much in and the reader just does not get it. This flowed well and for fans of this genre Im guessing they are in for a treat!! Onto my shelf..its usually full of childrens book!!

William, I've read through five chapters and I may have been a bit hasty before. Once I got past chapter three it really soared for me. I think that maybe I was thinking that this was going to be from the prospective of the killer (which was extremely well written btw) and when we shifted to Steven it threw me. With that said I do like a murder mystery and the further I get into this the more I like. I'm glad I came back. Oh, and can I say that him showering with 2-pounds of ground beef was funny. Great work and you'll fill my last spot for this week. Keep it up and I'm coming back every spare moment to see how it ends. Linda

I've been bad. I couldn't resist it, I have many pressing responsibilities to people here on the site, but since it arrived I had to at least open the first chapter of your book. Brilliant opening.

I liked the motes of description, the drama of the action you have chosen to enter at this point and more particularly the last sentences of this chapter. It has everything an opening should have, character, drama, plot and leaves you intrigued about the main character's [spoiler alert] god complex.

Nice very nice. I'm slightly jealous. Shelved obviously.

{goes off to fulfil those other responsibilities slightly askance}

Hi William,

I've read up to the end of chapter 5 and some of the comments below, so if I repeat anything that has already been mentioned before, I apologise. As a caveat, I'm not qualified as an editor or anything similar, just on what appeals, or not, to me.

I can see that some people like the short chapters, but for me it just breaks up the pace and slows the whole thing down. Chapter 2 and 3 could be merged without any loss, for example.

In chapter 3 you use certain words repeatedly; 'chill', 'body'. And the going-over of his name took me away from what supposed to be happening. Similar in chap.4 with 'drempt' and 'bottle'; repeated use of a word highlights it and can take a reader out of the 'zone' and interrupts the flow.

In chap 5 when you use the latin quote in the lab, we know it's latin - telling us is that it's latin is not needed, and is almost insulting.

I didn't really buy the fact that a writer/reporter would be invited to an autopsy, either. From some of the comments below, I gather that you've deliberately chosen a specific style of ending and are not bothered if that would/could annoy a reader, which is your choice. The question I would ask you is: do you really see this as a potential book? or do you just want to have written something which pleases you?

Novels do not have to be neatly wrapped-up at their end, but a reader needs to feel that the ending is justified or what was the point of spending cash and time on it? Again, the choice is yours as the writer, but if you are serious about wanting this in print, then such a concern, in my opinion, needs addressing.

Andy

This is good, very good. I've reached chapter 5 and already I know it's going on my shelf - I do like a bit of murder and religion, tends to make for an interesting combination. I've nothing constructive to add as I can't see anywhere that it could be made better.

Wow! I've only just watch listed this, but the first chapter caught my eye. You certainly have a way with words and description. Chapter two was a little slower, well alot slower, but that's ok. We need to know where he's coming from. After that I was in and out. I like the story and will come back later and read some more. Linda

I was eating breakfast when I started your book, wishing I had access to the recommended music. I moved my toast away and tried to steady my stomach once I read the first chapter. You ruined my breakfast with your description. Well Done.

This has real flavour. I love the start and have read through to the end of chapter 3 so far. A page turner from the onset.

Raw and decrepid in a truly elegant way.

Well defined, well written. I want to fault it, but I can't.

Steven's character is full and engaging, and as for the killer...

...beautifully done.

This will be keeping people on their toes for a long time!

Backing it straight away.

Mazza

William - Gina sent me here. She is not one to be argued with, and I don't often find she's wrong. In this case, she is most certainly right.

"Now, where did I put my razor...?" So gripping, so intense, so vivid - even when the line is said out of context of the gore and violence, I am so conditioned, so involved, that I find my own heart skip a beat. The way you link the opening to Steven's dream in 10, is a clever move. The prologue reminds me of the way James Herbert placed his opening in "Moon", and your writing is no less talented.

There is a dark captivation in the opening that means even the vivid description used does not feel like overkill (if you'll pardon the pun). Often in horror, I find less is more, and atmosphere can be more persuasive than the guts and glory approach. But you have bravely decided to go straight for the jugular from the go (deliberate pun this time), and it works well. You bring the story back down again, and I am drawn quickly into the plot and the tale surrounding Steven. He seems to have a hidden edge to him - a darkness that underlies his personality.

There is a lovely fast pace to this - are your actual chapters clipped in the finished book, or is it just to help with the speed of reading? Either way, it works, and the draw to move on hits you constantly. I only stop because I need to get on with other things, but I love this. The violence, the aggression, the heart stopping guts and gore of it. The spaces between the scenes of horror, and the way you spin the plot fill these gaps, are strong and direct, and I would love so much for a book like this to get picked up. On the shelf, and a thank you to Gina for the tip. Jason

William,
Well, chapter 1 was certainly gross. Bloody, sinister, and psychotic… Good Job! (since it IS horror)
I also think it had a sense of tension and anticipation. With a creepy feel when he licks her throat…blood and sweat. EWWW
**(you don’t mind if I take notes whilst I read, do you?) lol… Oh dear, I am chuckling at the “…all the way in the next room…” hahaha. I like it!
**well, by chapter 3 I can tell you are American. It’s funny the differences I pick up now in writing styles. And wording. (I know your profile says Wisconsin, but I didn’t read that before hand) I like your musings inbetween bits of storyline. Like being defined by a name (or not) . cool. Eugene being as “Eugene” as they come…lol!
**I like Steven. He reminds me of a friend of mine who always says… “Oh, I can’t be bothered. Too much effort!” and I, being the embodiment of laziness, can relate!
Steven has a bit of sinister in him…. Hmmm
…”allowed civility to shed its smiling mask…”-- good line.
**I have read enough to know I “like” it. I am not a fan of graphic crime. I will watch serial killer movies on occasion, but I usually like more upbeat stuff. (although, vampire violence is not bad) anyway…. After the guy is crucified I just need to stop. I understand the need in your story. After all the Title suggests it. But being somewhat religious, it just bothers me to read on. So I stopped.
** I DO, however, recognize your talent for writing. This was very smooth, dare I say flawless? I saw no typos to speak of. The dialogue was well written and I liked your characters. The man doing the killing is ‘sick’ enough to peak much interest to know more and I think you have the start of a very interesting story.
Now if I can only move stuff around on my shelf to make room…. It is a hard task!
Gina

I've watchlisted this right away. The title is great, the cover is great and, from what I've read so far, the story seems really solid. Well written and very grabby stuff. Well done!

Really great start to the story, short and snappy and on my shelf for a wee while. Jim

William,

Some comments here. I've read the first 7 chapters. Of course this is crime! It has the following requirements: 1. a dead body, 2, an investigator with personal problems, 3. an ansent perpetrator. What else is crime about? All the crime novels I've read recently have these ingredients.

Anyway, this is well-written, with a sense of character and a sense of purpose. I have a few comments, but they're nothing huge.

In chapter 1, there is a section where you stop the dialogue, and go on for five paragraphs about who Steve and Eugene are. I'd shorten that a fair bit.

You tend to use a lot of filter words: Steve realised, Steve heard, Steve saw, Steve noticed. You don't really need these, and they distance from the immediacy of the text.

That's all. You're going on my shelf.

Hello William,

Thanks for helping me with the book I'm plugging in the forum - hope you enjoy it!

As for your book, this is going on my watchlist as, while I don't have the time to read anything properly this evening, the first two chapters have caught my attention for some reason. I'll get back to you once I've had a good read.

CC

Dear William,

Sorry, I don't buy the ending. Murder mystery readers give the writer a lot of slack to manipulate the situation, in the understanding that by the end it will be possible to figure out what "really happened". Introducing a Stranger who murders the main character, then runs off into the sunset, reads to me like taking advantage of that trust. I don't think you will make people think, I think you will make them angry. Not at anything important, like the thematic material of the book. At you, for playing that trick on them.

That's fine. If I upset people with the ending, that's the way it is. The ending is the way the story was always made to end - and I'm not going to make up some ending that ties everything together in a neat little bow. Life doesn't work that way, at all. The original version of the ending was even more open-ended, without even knowing what really went on - this one gives people some idea of what happened.

I suppose I could explain what the killer looks like, but in the end it wouldn't make any difference since he gets away and is never caught.

This is by no means meant to be a murder mystery, instead it's a story of what happens to these characters in the midst of all of this. Yes, there are questions, but the questions are not answered.

Again, thank you for reading it. I'm sorry if you feel ripped off.

Dear William,

Sorry, I don't buy the ending. Murder mystery readers give the writer a lot of slack to manipulate the situation, in the understanding that by the end it will be possible to figure out what "really happened". Introducing a Stranger who murders the main character, then runs off into the sunset, reads to me like taking advantage of that trust. I don't think you will make people think, I think you will make them angry. Not at anything important, like the thematic material of the book. At you, for playing that trick on them.

Minor point: the message written in blood is perhaps too melodramatic, and definitely too long. "Forgive me, or even just "Forgive," is all you need.

Okay, I got to the end, and the last chapter, I presume, is missing. If it isn't, you've written a very non-traditional thriller.

Without reading the ending, however, I can give you a general comment. My worry about the two main characters has come true. I never was able to achieve sympathy for them. They were too selfish and mean. Nothing in their mutual self-distruction seems to shed any light on the thematic material that Steven kept talking about.

Ending or not, I think this story needs to be re-thought on a basic level. What are you trying to achieve? You are obviously more interested in thematic material than the average writer I have seen on this site. There is nothing wrong with having a thriller which has more thoughtfulness than average. I applaud it. However, as far as I can tell, you either missed the point or didn't manage to communicate it to me.

Thanks for the detailed feedback. Looks like I have a few errors I need to fix up in there. As for the ending, there is nothing missing - that's just how the story ends. Also, I was happy to hear you didn't like any of the characters and never found any redeeming qualities with them, as that was the plan. Whether anyone really wants to read a story like that is a whole different matter, but I thought it was an interesting story to tell - and the fact that you read all the way to the end I think shows that even though you didn't like them, you still wanted to know what happened next.

As for the "point" of the story, that's really something for everyone to try to figure out on their own. There is a purpose, but it's extraordinarily subtle, as I don't believe in trying to tell people who to think. What I am trying to do, however, is to get the readers TO think, at least about some of the same things the characters think about, and to get across some sense of the importance of self-understanding, as well as the dangers of being wrong about who you think you might be.

Again, thank you for your comments. I truly appreciate them, and the fact that you took the time to write them and send them to me.

End of Ch 36 "That motherfucker's going to pay" seems unmotivated. Steven just said that they all deserved to die.

Okay, I got to the end, and the last chapter, I presume, is missing. If it isn't, you've written a very non-traditional thriller.

Without reading the ending, however, I can give you a general comment. My worry about the two main characters has come true. I never was able to achieve sympathy for them. They were too selfish and mean. Nothing in their mutual self-distruction seems to shed any light on the thematic material that Steven kept talking about.

Ending or not, I think this story needs to be re-thought on a basic level. What are you trying to achieve? You are obviously more interested in thematic material than the average writer I have seen on this site. There is nothing wrong with having a thriller which has more thoughtfulness than average. I applaud it. However, as far as I can tell, you either missed the point or didn't manage to communicate it to me.

Be happy to discuss this further.

Dear William,

A couple of comments that I'm writing down as I read, so I won't lose them

You have a habit of telling, not showing. Example: "Steve's dour mood had finally lifted, and the two were joking around as per usual." Actually, the dialogue does a sufficient job of showing the joking around. You don't need to tell us as well.

On the same page, "Miles had decided to drop the subject of Debbie…opting to change the dialogue to something a bit more serious," is a POV change, again telling us something that you may or may not have shown well enough in the dialogue.

Chapter 10 You can't see your profile in the mirror

The conflict between Karen and his job is well-structured and believable, but the blowup in Chapter 14 seems rather sudden. I'm beginning not to like either of these people, and that's dangerous. If they don't come up with some saving personal graces, I'm going to find it difficult to keep reading.

In the philosophical discussion at the beginning of 16, I can't keep track of who's speaking. I think you have a "Steven said" where you meant to have a "Miles said".

"alright" has been around a long time, but it's still considered "nonstandard". In school, we called it "bad spelling" :-)

Karen can't look "deep into John's eyes" when he's giving a speech

The short chapters really keep the plot moving. More writers should do this.

I'm going to post this now, because I'd really be pissed if I lost it.

More as I read

Ch 11 "Two train delays and a two-car accident first " ???

Got my attention on the forums - glad I came and took a look and happy to find shelf space. I love the cover - like the prints behind the picture in Seven - which I guess form teh blurb is deliberate.

Would love you to take a peek at Songs before month end, but please take a peek at the other worthy candidates on the Desk

Cheers
Dan

Yes, really liked it William. On the shelf.
Cheers,
Simon

This is a very fast start - straight into the action, and my favoured type of story. I'm hooked already and watchlisting for now until I've read more. It was a comment from Simon which you mentioned on the forum that drew me to your story. I'll be back. Jim.

William, great opening chapter! I have a very similar scene in one of my dark books, and it really gave me goosebumps to write, and a similar feeling here. I got a Dean Koontz vibe from the way you changed from evil to normal in the turn of a page, and I like the contrast.

I like the short chapters to get us into the story, and I like the punchy dialogue and the way you introduce the characters. I think the plot sounds well structured and you have a very strong narrative voice.

I will read further than Ch3 as I'm interested to see how the story plays out, but you're book shelved for now!

William, not my cup of tea at all, but I admire the way you write. Unpleasant and gripping, and I'm not at all sure I like Steven, but it's very well done and I'd imagine there's a market for this.

I'll flip you on my revolving shelf to vote for the book.

Hi William. Here I am at last. Well, this is great and grim in equal measures, which I imagine is what you're aiming for ;-) Seriously creepy opening, will make a lot of people very glad you're writing about this sort of thing instead of out there pursuing your reasearch, as it were. I felt perhaos it was missing just the added dimension of the victim's trembles - surely she'd be trembling like crazy? So, rather bizarrely given how creepy it is already, I'd have preferred one or two more touches in terms of the sensations involved. However, that's a very minor thing and the story then proceeds to gallop along - I'd thought at first the (sometimes very) short chapters would lead to a rather broken, disrupted journey, but the effect is to up the pace considerably and up what would be the page-turner factor if we had pages to turn on this screen. You, sir, are a sick but creative indivual and there's a remarkable and intimidating power in your writing. Hats off to you. Another book I'm going to have to return to and read more.

Dear William,

First impression after 7 chapters:

I've looked at the comments below, and I think you're going to have to do something about the first chapter. In the first place, because a lot of people don't understand what it was. I thought the Cosmo bit made it obvious, but now I'm not so sure either.

The other reason is that, if it hadn't been for the fact that I promised to look over your book, I would have set it aside before I got half-way down, because I'm not interested in that kind of book.

I think it's a fine attention-grabber, but if it gives the wrong impression of your book, then it's done you a disservice. An author can't say "trust me" to a person browsing in a store. If they don't like the first page, they put it down, and you've lost a sale.

Of course, if it turns out that your book is really a slasher, then it's a fine opening, just not my kind of book.

The other comment I have is one you'll see made on almost every book that comes to this site: needs to be tightened up, needs editing. A lot of the details you insert are not important (at least they don't seem to be; maybe I'll find out differently later) and really slow down the action.

Example: what does the "silver 1993 Honda Civic" have to do with is time problems with his story?

Otherwise, you have a very interesting character, and what sounds like a good plotline.

Hi William,

Thank you for contributing to the opening scene thread.

As I mentioned there, opening scenes are critical to a book's success. Your opening scene is where an editor first determines your level of writing skill. Later on in the publishing process, your opening scene is where a prospective book buyer in a book store will look to determine whether or not to buy your book.

Your opening scene is visually vivid. And the final three sentences are good character development. But in the end, I don't care about the victim because I don't know her. And, by the end of the opening scene, I don't know enough about the killer to find him a compelling character.

If you plan to edit the scene, decide how little of the murder you HAVE to include to make it vivid and add in more of the killer's thoughts. In that way, we get hooked on him and want to read more about him.

Al

--why open with his cutting of the girl, only to switch to a man in Chap 3? Doesnt compute, seems like they should be the same victim
--What does Eugene have to do with this scene in Chap 3? Just to make the point on names? You spent a couple paragraphs talking how the name means nothing, then you go into Eugene for some reason and finally come out of it with Steven's absurd obssession with being called Steven. Gives us a clue to neuroticism on his part, but then the messy apartments seems at odds here.

The opening part will make much more sense as you read on. I know it's asking a lot to have a reader just "trust" an author, but you just have to trust me on this.

The Eugene part has almost been cut several times, and always keeps coming back. As you can see from another comment here, some readers really like it. It mostly is there for the reason you suggest though, to give an idea of Steven's neuroticism, as well as a nod to how Steven's story progresses (his last name is suggestive).

Hey, this just sings along. I love short chapters, punchy dialog and narrative, how it gets to the point. The opening is horrifically good.

Of course, there are few things I'd suggest:
--Chap 2 is entirely unnecessary, at least in its current position. No need to know Steven before chap 3 at all. YOU know Steven's background - you don't need to establish that in a scene that doesn't go anywhere.
--why open with his cutting of the girl, only to switch to a man in Chap 3? Doesnt compute, seems like they should be the same victim
--What does Eugene have to do with this scene in Chap 3? Just to make the point on names? You spent a couple paragraphs talking how the name means nothing, then you go into Eugene for some reason and finally come out of it with Steven's absurd obssession with being called Steven. Gives us a clue to neuroticism on his part, but then the messy apartments seems at odds here.

So, you've got a GREAT premise, great storyline and know how to tell it. I love it, but you clearly need to make sure you only tell us *this* story as it unfolds. Throwing in unnecessary exposition only slows it down and gives the reader a chance to leave.

Good luck!

Now this looks like my kind of book. I'll read it this weekend sometime.

Dave

William -

Just read the first four chapters. You have a punchy style - short sentences, few adverbs, an active voice, strong descriptions across all the senses and some good dialogue. The story has potential.

It feels still, however, a little like a first or second draft to me: that you could make your voice and style even punchier with a strong edit to eliminate redundancy. I would like a little more dialogue also, to show, not tell. For example, you tell us your protagonist is a reporter on the local city paper: might we not learn this from dialogue between him and his cop friend instead - by having, for instance, his cop friend complain about a story he wrote on the way to the crucified corpse?

It's good, and I think with some good editorial work, it could be very good. Watchlisted.

Definitely interesting. I like your writing style and your storyline. The best thing so far was the interesting way you described how names reflect on people. Very well done. I can't wait to read more.

Straight on the bookshelf. This is powerful stuff and very well written. This deserves to be right at the top. I'll do what I can to get it there.

I definitely appreciate the enthusiasm. Thank you for your feedback!

Straight on the bookshelf. This is powerful stuff and very well written. This deserves to be right at the top. I'll do what I can to get it there.

read the first 3 chapters, brilliant stuff...the first chapter made me unbelievably squeamish...but in a good way! thats one hell of a way of gripping the reader, great job! i'll keep reading over the weekend, thanks for backing mine btw!

Oli