Eris

Art,
New Titan somehow reminds me of a ship that sank in the middle of the North Atlantic in April of 1912. While science fiction isn't my chosen genre, I'm amazed by the imaginations of the authors. Saturn is a beautiful planet with those rings and it's fascinating to think we could one day explore it. Space exploration is in its infancy and I was drawn to this story from reading the synopsis which indicates you have a melodrama in space in the works. I enjoyed my brief visit and look forward to seeing the complete work of Eris.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Love you style of writing. It’s simple and has entertained me with Ramierz. Glad you have great dialogue because if you didn’t the chapter would tank, just because a lot of the chapter has dialogue. But it made the story flow which was very, very important because your chapter is on the long side. But not that long. I like Johnson. Is he beter than ramierz? No. but a close second. He just stands out.

The ending wasn’t bad but what I liked is that you didn’t describe too much. I’m not a fan because it doesn’t leave room for the reader to image. 51/2 stars if I could. But I’ll round up.

This is a great start, in the true SF style. I guess you'll be uploading more as you go? I quite like when people do that, I can keep coming back for more.
Cariad

This needs a run through the spell check, as well as some properly placed commas.

tonight = that night, if we are to use the past tense.

the scroungy man said/replied the pretty girl… dialogue tags like these are unnecessary. We already know whom he is addressing. Cutting these tags will make the story flow smoother.

he’s only worked there… change of tense!

You switch to a conversation between the girl and guy, which makes the choice to open the chapter in the POV of the bartender a curious one. I don’t think it helps your story. You can describe him noticing her – a few other patrons might notice her too – but since the barkeep is not the POV character for the chapter, and since that section does not advance the plot, I’d cut it.

She wanted to be a space pilot since she could walk… this sounds like the reason she wants to be a space pilot is because she can walk… I think you mean ‘She had wanted to be a space pilot’…

Some of the speech sounds like the characters are talking to the reader instead of each other. For instance: finish your drink and relax before we liftoff in two weeks on our trip back to earth (and Earth needs a capital E).

There are more uses of present tense.

The first section of the chapter is an introduction with no payoff. I assume something further happens with these two that is important, especially since we are going back in time now to experience it. I would extend that first section up to a good teaser point, the point where we see why it is we are being introduced to them. Otherwise, it feels unimportant.

sweet = sweat

The second section is problematic. Why are we being introduced to this doctor? I think something more plot-wise needs to happen here. We must also consider that there was an exciting catastrophe at the end of chapter one, and now suddenly we have two sedate character introductions. I would consider working these characters into the first chapter, if they must be introduced, or going ahead with the disaster. They can be worked in later, as we go. For instance, this surgery might have told us a few things about the doctor, like his persistence and skill and compassion, but could we not meet him later when he starts to matter for the plot? Was this surgery that important? If it was, I would show it to us before the explosion.

Just a few thoughts on chapter two so far. I’ll read the rest of it later when I have more time.

Hey,

Really like this. Backed!

Hi Art,

I like your cover picture. It draws the eye. I read through the first chapter and I found it wonderfully imaginitive and exciting. I think my biggest critique would be the data dump in the middle of the chapter on propulsion systems and warp speed. It is a bit superfluous and from what I have learned about agents, they don't like data dumps in the first chapter. Just a thought. The separated third to last paragraph beginning with , "A buildup of energy...", I didn't understand this. You went outside of Ramirez's head and into a narrative in the middle of the chapter. You can do that, while seperating like you did, but it looked choppy in that position. That read more like something in a prologue or a beginning of a chapter. You also had a lot of conflicting tense problems throughout the chapter. But those are easy fixes. Your ingenious creativity can never be duplicated, meaning: I like your brain! Good job, big stars.

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

Hi Art,

I like your cover picture. It draws the eye. I read through the first chapter and I found it wonderfully imaginitive and exciting. I think my biggest critique would be the data dump in the middle of the chapter on propulsion systems and warp speed. It is a bit superfluous and from what I have learned about agents, they don't like data dumps in the first chapter. Just a thought. The separated third to last paragraph beginning with , "A buildup of energy...", I didn't understand this. You went outside of Ramirez's head and into a narrative in the middle of the chapter. You can do that, while seperating like you did, but it looked choppy in that position. That read more like something in a prologue or a beginning of a chapter. You also had a lot of conflicting tense problems throughout the chapter. But those are easy fixes. Your ingenious creativity can never be duplicated, meaning: I like your brain! Good job, big stars.

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

The first paragraph could work as an introduction, but I would suggest separating it somehow from the rest… and it you separate it, you almost have to make it longer, get more out of it. I would either do more with it or nothing at all.

My arrival at the recreation zone made it clear why most of the base was empty… was it your arrival, or what you saw on your arrival? There are a few unclear sentences like this. Another: Entering the room slowly my observations of the people continued… It’s not your observations that enter the room. Another: The aroma and sight of Ramirez devouring food… The aroma of food and the sight of Ramirez devouring it…

Today’s fastest space carriers could reach .15c, but only for short periods… If they reach .15c, they can stay at that speed for as long as no other force acts upon them. Once you reach a speed, you can cruise at it without burning any fuel.

There are a number of sentences that are missing a ‘that’ or a ‘was’ to make them work. Just little things.

I think this is a big improvement on the first draft. It’s leaner and gets to the point. Your narrative voice is more consistent, and with the exception of the first paragraph, you have it divided so as to make sense. My last suggestion would be to delve into the explosion more, take us into the experience. It feels a little fast-forwarded.

Much improved!

Thanks everyone for all the feedback. This is a work in progress and I'm taking all the feedback and working on making this better.

I do plan on uploading more chapters, but before I do they need a bit of work :)

SF42

Hi Art

Let's hope this time my comment will submit and Authonomy won't claim the page doesn't exist! Sadly, I barely remember what I wrote last time, but I do still have my notes, so I suppose I'll just give you those:

'second lieutenant' - spell it out in dialogue

'spoke(,) gradually' - also how gradually could the volume increase with so few words?

'remained laying there' doesnt sound right to me - just 'remained there' perhaps. Also, it's 'lying' anyway - laying is what you do to something. You lay it down - you are laying bricks; you are lying down.

'Two years', not 2 alway spell out numbers unless they are large or dates.

I'd point out contractions, but they're fine in 1st person.

'3200 hours'? There's no such time. If it is based on Titan time, then perhaps you should specify that.

'might as well get ready, so I shaved' - present tense thought with past tense action, all in the same sentence.

'They've sent' - present tense again. You keep switching back and forth - you need to choose one and keep to it.

'crew of 30' - spell out

Why the sudden italics? Also 'sounded, wanted...isn't' - mixing tenses in the same sentence again.

'there's your standard sized' - 'they're'?

'they feel' - present tense again

'"uh," (I was) caught off guard'

Why has Joliet become Juliet?

'power, fuel(,) stuff'

-217 degree spikes? That's the same as you just told us it is now.

'.5c of the speed of light' - if 'c' is the speed of light, that's saying '.5 speed of light of the speed of light'

Why does it suddenly become 3rd person?

'(The) test hasn't even beg(u)n'

'due to unfortunate events(,) we'll be'

'cleaned the cut...stitching the cut' - avoid such repetition

'this would leave a scar' - people dont think about the future in the past tense

That's all, really. My main concern is the 1st person - 3rd person switch, plus the switch of MC. In order for 1st/3rd person switching to work well, you'd have to have it switch back and forth throughout the book; and even then it would have to be very well done in order to work. Having Johnson in 1st person fools the reader into thinking he is the MC, but from I can tell, Ramirez is. Unless the rest of the book does contain 1st person again, I'd recommend taking it out. It takes the right kind of book for 1st person to work anyway, and it certainlydoesn't work when that character isnt even the MC.

Otherwise, I think this should do well. It is an interesting premise: a disaster story set on a distant world. One I can, for some reason, see Stallone in! Anyway, good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

This is a great start, in the true SF style. I guess you'll be uploading more as you go? I quite like when people do that, I can keep coming back for more.
Cariad

Love you style of writing. It’s simple and has entertained me with Ramierz. Glad you have great dialogue because if you didn’t the chapter would tank, just because a lot of the chapter has dialogue. But it made the story flow which was very, very important because your chapter is on the long side. But not that long. I like Johnson. Is he beter than ramierz? No. but a close second. He just stands out.

The ending wasn’t bad but what I liked is that you didn’t describe too much. I’m not a fan because it doesn’t leave room for the reader to image. 51/2 stars if I could. But I’ll round up.

Art,
New Titan somehow reminds me of a ship that sank in the middle of the North Atlantic in April of 1912. While science fiction isn't my chosen genre, I'm amazed by the imaginations of the authors. Saturn is a beautiful planet with those rings and it's fascinating to think we could one day explore it. Space exploration is in its infancy and I was drawn to this story from reading the synopsis which indicates you have a melodrama in space in the works. I enjoyed my brief visit and look forward to seeing the complete work of Eris.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I like your idea for a story and the setting is cool. This has enough good elements that it's worth working on to improve.

There’s no need to say “hi” to the reader as you do in the second paragraph. Just start the story in the character’s head. There is no need to address the reader directly. All that background information shouldn’t be dumped into the story out of nowhere. Introduce it in the flow of the plot.

You’re mixing past tense verbs with present tense verbs. The story should be in one tense, not both.
When the dialog starts, it’s not clear who is speaking to him. Use attributions. And when you address Ramirez, describe who that is. And describe the physical appearance of people.

The second that begins “The speed of light…” is more dumping of back story without use of plot. Work that information in through action and interaction of characters. You can’t just pause your story, dump information, and then resume it.

Explain what would happen without the magnetic fields on the ship. Also describe the method they are hoping to use on Eris to travel so fast.

I like the way you end the first chapter at a cliffhanger point.

I hope you will keep working to improve this because it has promise. I'll put it on my shelf for now.

Brian Bandell
Mute

I apologize in advance, because I don't have much to say that's positive. Hopefully, though, this will be some good advice that you can use to improve your writing.

Let's begin with the simple, obvious stuff. I only started tracking these things in the second chapter, though they remain a problem throughout.

Misspellings:
"phantom" instead of "fathom"
"noise" instead of "nose"
"heeling" instead of "healing"
"bloodshed" instead of "bloodshot"
"stair" instead of "stare"
"overlooked" instead of "looked over" (big difference!)
"there" instead of "their"
...more

Grammar errors:
* Overuse of semicolons
* Run-on sentences
* Commas where they don't belong ("He was in his eleventh hour, of a grueling twelve hour shift."; "What felt like an eternity, was merely minutes."; "Oh how fast the predator, becomes the prey.")
* Fragments ("Two shifts per Titan day.")
* Apostrophe issues ("intestines' hanging outside the body"; "like rat's do")
* Tense disagreements - flipping between present and past tense

Inaccuracies:
* "The pupils of his eyes widened." - This would only happen if he was squinting. Do you mean that his eyes widened? If so, the pupils would shrink.
* "Hopefully he still had a few gallons of blood left within him." - An average adult has less than two gallons of blood.

There was a sentence that stood out to me as particularly bad: "The bartender poured the drinks, but couldn't stop thinking about that cute smile, the short black hair; the blue eyes the shade of Neptune; the small noise, the lips, and the light tan skin." The way you're mixing commas and semicolons, it's almost as if you had constructed that sentence over several writing sessions and forgot which punctuation you'd been using.


Now, those things are all arguably trivial. Fixing grammar and spelling is easy; heck, most (if not all) word processing programs do it for you. Unfortunately, there's a lot more editing that needs to be done here, and it's probably not so easy.

First of all, there are so many viewpoints that get explored, and it's hard to understand why. Why do we need to know about the pilot and his daughter? Why is the second chapter so different from the first? Does it happen before? After? Is it important to the story? And finally, is it really that crucial to tell us about the newscast of the disaster?

That last one is, in my opinion, a very serious problem. You've heard of "show, don't tell," right? Well, you're doing the worst sort of "telling" that can be done in a story: putting an artificial barrier between the reader and the action. Does the newscast influence anyone in any way? Is it misleading or a product of propaganda? What's the purpose of providing that extra filter? The best thing you can do, ESPECIALLY in the first chapter (which is supposed to bring readers in), is to hit us hard and fast: plunge us into the action and don't mess around. We want to know what's going on at the source, and there's no need to present it through a newscast. Your book IS the newscast.

It's things like the aforementioned issue that really keep your story from being the best it can be. There's just too many words for what's happening, and too many breaks and unnecessary POV shifts. The pacing needs to be tightened a great deal, and I need to feel that every bit of information and every scene is relevant to the story as a whole. That's not happening here.


However, as jtgradishar said, this story does have potential. It's clear that you've got a universe in your head, a time chunk of the future complete with occupations, technology, politics (the illegal miners), and so on. The premise isn't a bad one, either. But expound on it! Develop it! If the story is about a disaster and its survivors, lay it on us! Tell us the struggles they have to go through, what troubles come up, how their families and friends are hearing about it and reacting to it, and so on. Give us some cohesion. Backstory is something that can come out through the story itself, rather than being given in massive, full-chapter chunks (I'm assuming the mining accident happened prior to the explosion in the first chapter.)

It's good that you're posting your work here, even in its rough state, because the only way to get better is by exposing your work to others and acting on their feedback. You've got potential here. Keep writing and keep improving, and don't get discouraged by this (largely negative) review.

I think this is an exciting scenario with a lot of potential. There are a few points that could be worked on to improve it, I think. First of all, some editing…

My eyes barely staying wide open … omit ‘wide’

His supervising engineer… His = I… I think the person changed here, unless I am misreading.

all I did was staring… staring = stare

aren’t exactly very comfortable… omit ‘very’. Mark Twain’s advice was to replace every instance of ‘very’ with ‘damn’ so that your editor would take them out for you.

not the state of the art, but still the clarity was quiet impressive… omit first ‘the’; state of the art = state-of-the-art; quiet = quite

30 or so where here… where = were

There was some cheering on going at the betting table… omit ‘on going’

when can you graduate… switch ‘can’ and ‘you’.

he sure did enjoy his gambling, to say the least… I would omit this. The first part of the sentence tells us all we need to know.

looked what the cat… looked = look

with food still in my mouth… I would omit this and let the reader fill in the blank.

something out of a science fiction movie… this takes me out of the story, which is a science fiction story!

The speed of light… but that’s not quite the case… This is a run-on sentence. There are a few more in the passage that follows… this could be polished a bit.

any rescue would be near impossible… too obvious! I would recommend just describing Eris and its location; the reader will conclude on his own that a rescue is difficult or impossible.

methane ice, if warmed = methane ice that, if warmed

Their job = Our job, right?

the speed of which ships travel at… the speed at which ships travel

The HBGT is a highly technological… I would omit ‘highly technological’.

could only reach .15c, but only for short bursts… omit the first ‘only’; also, if a ship reached .15c it would stay at that speed, because of inertia, until acted on by another force.

potential situations arise from the… arise = arising

Ramirez’s puzzled look hounded over Johnson… the meaning here is unclear.

but the discomfort within himself seemed to be growing… but his discomfort grew – simpler and more direct.

they’re taking about us… taking = talking

barely believing what has happened… change of tense

a simple test gone from… gone = go

if only she knew she was being watched… authorial intrusion

albeit a false sense because the real trouble was about to begin… I would omit this. Let the reader discover in good time.

Ramirez is a smart man… change of tense

an decommissioned old American penny… an = a; also, this sounds like dialogue written for a fictional future character for a modern audience. I don’t think a person in that situation would bother describing a penny like that. When I talk about the former Spanish currency, the peseta, I don’t say the old decommissioned peseta, for instance.

Screams scattered in the rubble, opening his eyes the vision was blurry and disorienting… This should be two sentences. Also, there is a comma missing after ‘eyes’, but then there is a wrong subject. The vision did not open its eyes, Johnson did.

The last paragraph is a big fast forward that I would advise against. Let those events play out as the story progresses.

There are moments when I would like to feel in the scene more, would like to read more appeals to my senses to make it come alive.

The story starts in first person and switches to third person. I would suggest third person for this one, especially since you take us into the thoughts of other characters, but either way, it should be consistent.

I would suggest cutting the first part. In screenwriting they tell you to enter a scene as late as possible and get out as soon as you can. I think this is very good advice for novels too. I would start with Johnson waking up in time for the test.

There are multiple POV changes, which can be tricky. At the end, we are suddenly in Ramirez’ head while Johnson is unconscious. I would suggest sticking with one POV per chapter, especially early on.

Consider withholding more information from the readers. For instance, could the entire chapter be from Johnson’s POV? Instead of taking us into the command center, keep it mysterious. Maybe when things start to go wrong a worker can hurriedly exit and be scene frantically talking with someone about repairs. Maybe they will only hear snippets. This withholding of information would make it more mysterious. If the reader doesn’t know exactly why the explosion is occurring, that could be something interesting to investigate later.

I think this has a lot of potential, and parts of it are slick and exciting. I hope my suggestions can help you polish it up. I’ll take a look at chapter two later. Talk to you soon!