The Advance Guard

So, can I first say that you're awesome? Good. Moving on.

Holy freakin' crap! If you think my juvenile writing is good you should read yours sometime!, I only read the first chapter so far (only because I was lying in the grass and now need a shower really badly!) But I'll be back, k? :3

You should be on the desk. Let's plan to be there together in july!

The Advance Guard

Hi Don,

I think your writing is very smooth, unpretentious and delivers us the story quickly and without fuss. The first chapter ends with a great hook and the mystery you have created only deepens as we move further into the book. I thought the flash-through scene where the sword takes us on a trip through all the wars it has been part of was wonderful, an intriguing science fiction historical cross-over here.

I also wondered, just reading your pitch, if it is a possibility to think about marketing this book at the YA market, the supernaturals thing would play well with them and the young boy with the sword also. A gripping yarn, beautifully rendered, characters are beginning to deepen, dialogue reads well, best wishes and good luck, backing soon - Andrew W.

I like how you've started with one person of the operation - the Guardsman - and flushed out his story. I assume Cyrus Salem will be next, but I enjoyed reading three chapters about Kenny - getting a feel for him before you move on to the others. There are some mysteries that keep us reading - what is the power of the sword? Why is Gabriel so adament about not wanting him to marry (even though he lets him)? Who was the mysterious person that only Kenny saw at the funeral? Gabriel? Is Gabriel his conscious? If Gabriel is some sort of ghost, shouldn't there be more clues? It's an interesting link in the family. Things I didn't like - Uncle Jeff dying so abruptly. And Kenny being a little too eager - I expected him to be a little more suspicious / reluctant to take the challenge. Still, this is a fast paced story that's moving ahead at a nice clip. I'm enjoying it and could picture this as a movie - at least that's my first impression. Shelved.

Your pitch is excellent, and your story didn't disappoint. So often you can open this sort of novel to find the narrative isn't as good as you thought it would be, but I didn't feel that at all here. The dialogue's good, the description's good and the writing's got pace. I really loved your four musketeers: they're different and they're endearing, and I can see lots of frictive differences between them ahead. Bookshelved.

This made for an excellent read. The little Kenny getting the sword, then growing up and training to be the Guardsman, losing his uncle, finding companions, all keep the reader totally involved. Dialogue convinces and setting is enough to ground without swamping. Glad you are not around to promote this more! :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Good story, another vote here for it being under the YA genre. This is because the writing is clean, quick and simple, and obviously the MC is young which appeals to a younger audience. I did notice that your clean writing was occasionally mired by unnecessary adverbs. I don't think adverbs are the work of the devil as some do here, but I'll give you an example of some areas that I don't think that they add anything to the story.

A slightly rusty gate... the amount of rust is really neither here nor there, a rusty gate is just fine

He pushed it gently... has meaning but seems a little, well, boring. Instead: He eased it open...?

Jeff was quickly at the boy's side... I have visions of him zipping across at almost comical speeds. Probably not even needed, as he is already close by. He then goes on to pat his head dry with a hanky, so we would already assume that he moved a little closer to do so.

These are just examples of my opinion and are probably things I do myself. If you disagree, then make sure you stick by that, as it is your book and you should do what you believe in. I have read a number of published books that could be reduced by half if the adverbs were removed, so you are no way near being anything like a serious offender. Like I say, in some cases and adverb can be used to good effect, like your sentence , '...blade swinging wildly.' In my opinion, in that case, it adds something to the writing.

As for positives, you do have a focused imagination and a talent to shape it on to paper. You don't get sidetracked with unimportant details, which keeps the pace going and the reader interested. You deliver nice hooks too, such that the reader wants to find out more.

Best of luck,

Andrew

Not a fantasy fan. That said, this is gripping. You know how to write. Keep up this good work and you'll be on the Editor's Desk.

I am not sure that this is my kind of thing, but the storyline gripped me - what Jeff brought, how it linked to Kenny and then Jeff's death, followed by the mysterious visitor in shades! It read well and I was really getting into the book. I am looking forward to meeting the othjer characters and finding out about their past and how their futures are all interlinked.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

I've finished through ch. 12. So far, you have me completely hooked and loving the book. Shelved.

Don

I’ve backed this because I love the premise, there’s a mysterious package with a great gift and after delving into chapters from the beginning, middle and end, I can only say that I’m hooked! I want more.

Interesting characters, natural dialogue, good characterisation, great atmospherics and plenty of variety to keep your reader interested.

Shelved with my best wishes,
David
Green Ore

Hi Don!

Your pitch was enough to draw me into reading your book, and your storyline did not disappoint! You are really an excellent story teller. Nothing to nit - sentences tight, dialogue is believable, and your characters are all very geniune. Well done! Shelved.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi Don,

It's rare that I find I like a book right from the first line and I did here. Your dialogue is so good, your characters are instantly real. You tell a story simply but clearly and every lines moves it. Is this YA ? Very well done.

Only two thoughts as I read: First, I wasn't sure how old Kenny was in ch1 and second, when the package was first mentioned, I'd pictured something that could be tucked up under his arm, not long and narrow as would hold a sword. I think it was the word "bundle" which to me, indicates something small and round.

Backed. ~Barb

Hi Don,

Not only is this a fun, it’s also easy to read without any complications in the storyline. You have some good hooks that kept me reading on. Your characters felt real and you have a good ear for dialogue. I also thought the pace was good. I could see this being a movie.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Desert,
came here after your monumental plug a week or so ago. A few random comments as I read:
A visual and sensual (not in that way) start - sights, sounds, touch - I like it.
Jeff, Eunice and Kenny's conversations feel really natural - well written.
A very old looking sword - feels a bit clumsy, antique? ancient? they don't sound right either, medieval?
Nice action with the italics - maybe sharpen it with past simple rather than past continuous? He sprinted, He leapt... - but this is a great change of pace and direction. Could see this as a film at this point.
'keep it in your bedroom, under your bed' - something more stirring no? 'keep it in the safest place you know'?
Simplify that last sentence? He crouched lower and whispered in the boy's ear.
No time for more than this first chapter, Don, but it's a great premise and I enjoyed it a lot.
On the shelf.
Cheers, and I hope you have time for Dying to Learn some time. If you don't, you don't. Fair enough.
Simon

Don, this is great, fast, cleanly written - I can't see if you classified it as YA as well as the other categories, but I think it should be.

My only complaint is that some of the things that you can clearly see in detail, you don't share in a defined way.

For example, the heavy package, not having any dimension to it, I though of as about the shape of a 2- or 3-foot log, 12 or 18 inches in diameter. It was hard to make a sword come out of it!

Also, Kenny: "scampering feet... the little boy..." He's what, maybe four? "Lanky, slender... 'Almost tall enough to enlist'... Oh, he's 12, 13?

Every time something like happens, it's going to pull me out of the story. You need to make sure there is enough physical description that the reader sees what you see.

Congratulations with the story - and an excellently-told story it is. Good luck - shelved.

Robin

This seems like a promising start, not my cup of tea, I don't generally like my sci-fiction, but it's a nice rite of passage, I read the first chapter, it seems interesting.

OK, sir. Read the promised three chapters. Then read the fourth. Now on the fifth.

This is right in my wheelhouse, so I just kept reading. I like the main character you've created in Kenny, the strange Frank, and the whole idea you've set up. More than that, though, it reads quickly, which is always a good thing for a reader looking to be entertained (which you do quite well).

Backed, of course.

I saw the cover and came back for more. I would back this again if I could. I think the title and the cover work very well.

Original! I love the use of Kendo which my kids did for years in Hawaii- the "stick" is a katana, FYI... I like the dialogue too, but there are some formatting issues you should be aware of"
http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=24789
Check out this dialogue thread I started... some of AUtho's heavy hitters weigh in with great tips, especially in the first 5 pages of the thread.
Engaging premise and promising story. Shelving!
V
Hawaiian Orchid

Hello Don,

This is a beautifully written story told in a compelling voice and weaved around a fascinating plot. The opening chapter is captivating and set the pace for the rest of the story. I also liked the mystery, vivid descriptions and the colourful characters.

This is a story that deserves shelf space.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This one is lots of fun...gripping, actually. You're a born storyteller. I think you handled the introduction of the Sword to Kenny really well and your characterizations are real. I wish I had time to read more than a partial, because if you handle the Guardsman this well, I'm sure you'll handle the others equally well.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (when you have time, please comment on mine...backing optional)

Hi Don,

Before I give you my comments, you have to know I judge it solely on 3 criteria: PITCH, WRITING IN CHAPTER 1, and STORY IN CHAPTER 1. All three criteria are geared towards maximizing your chances at getting an agent and publisher since it makes no sense to say you have a great chapter 12 when an agent can’t even get past your first chapter, right? Your pitch is essentially your query letter. I differentiate between your writing and your story in Chapter 1 since you can be great in one but not in the other. After each criterion, I add a + or a -. Sorry I can’t be more in depth but I have like 100 comments to return just in the past week—and I actually read each entry carefully. Finally, I don’t pretend I know what I’m talking about so take everything with a Morton warehouse of salt. Haha. So . . .

PITCH: Your pitch sounds alright, sort of like a Fantastic Four sort of book. Is there a market for this? I don't know. I think you need to avoid the cliches though, of which your pitch has too many: "fate of the world itself possibly in the balance," "immense evil," "demonic origins," etc. -

WRITING IN CHAPTER 1: Writing is okay. Functional +

STORY IN CHAPTER 1: For an action-packed story, your first chapter is a bit . . . inert. Just Jeff and Kenny talking and Jeff giving Kenny the sword. I'd put in a more powerful first chapter personally, something that'll wow the reader. Two people talking isn't going to cut it, I don't think. -

Shelved.

Oh, very good! Your selection of "dirty dozen" here shows an admirable scope and imagination. This almost seems more like a movie than a book... or a TV series.

One thing seems odd. You have these four different character/scenarios, yet stick with Sharpe for like 6 chapters before introducing Lazarus. Our impulse has been to get the characters in first, then start moving around amongst them, and this really seems to be the kind of "standard" way in which writers do this.
You presumably have your reasons, but the reader knows there are four scenarios and is waiting for the shoe to drop.
But that's a tiny nit, and you certainly know what you're doing. Good job and good luck with this.

this is not my usual reading matter and i found your pitch had too many names and concepts in it for me to feel comfortable. chapter one, however, is fine. i like the feeling between kenny, jeff and eunice and i like the way jeff's history is told through that of the sword.

shows promise and it's on my shelf for a little.
xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Dear Don, I very much liked your opening chapter. You pitch was excellent and spoke to me of high adventure and thrilling action. The opening chapter distils this into a lower-key opening than I'd expected, but one filled with ancient story elements: a young hero, a magic weapon, a mentor, and a mystical duty which is only referred to as being a Guardsman... intriguing stuff, and I'd have devoured this work as a young fella. The flashback was my favourite part, some nice historical details were weaved in in the space of a tight few pars. Great work

P

But Lord have mercy . . . do something about that cover!

This is good. This is really good. I'd love to see it in a movie. What I would change? Nothing yet. I am only up to chapter 5 but I am backing it. Let this puppy loose into the world.

In the second paragraph, I know your narrator is using past tense, but shouldn’t the man’s thoughts be in present tense?
>Why is it so heavy now?

You manage to make it clear who’s speaking, and to give their gestures, etc., without constant “he said,” etc.

You also introduce the characters and situations effectively without overburdening the reader with too much backstory right away. You have short, easy-to-read paragraphs, which propel the reader into the story.

Chapter 2 quickly gets complicated, but you keep the prose moving smoothly. An engaging beginning!

Good job. Worthy of being shelved. I agree with the past comments. Smooth and easy going. Very sound dialogue and overall writing. Like it.

Hi great pitch, an interesting mix of potential allies and hook questions. Good luck with it
Michael

Hi Don,

Just starting to read this and love your imagination, and writing is very good. An opeing that doesn't dissapoint. Showing tons of promise so far. Going to read on.

Heidi
Turning Red

This makes marketable young adult fiction. You write better than Meyer or Rowling in my opinion anyway. Definitely better than Meyer.

Hey Don,
Uncle Jeff certainly leaves a lot of questions for his nephew Kenny when he dies at the kitchen sink – what exactly is a guardsman entrusted with? Why was he discharged from the army? What were his reasons for never marrying? Although it is frustrating not to know everything, all this mystery created enough hooks to keep me reading.

When Jeff first gave Kenny the sword and he sees the visions of all the battlefields, which were a great touch, I thought there’s no way a kid is going to be able to keep that under his bed. Since he seems to have made it through to adolescent unscathed it seems that he managed to fight off curiosity, but I would have had it out every night!

With the warning about marrying Linda I couldn’t help but wondering that maybe it was kinder to break her teenage heart than put her through what it is to come as the wife of a guardsman away at sea. Which is a long way to say that the story and the characters were engaging and easy to get involved with.

I’m happy to shelve this and I wish you the best of luck with your writing.
Cheers,
Heather, Friends & Pho

The fight with the beast when he first draws the sword ahs a very graphic novel feel to it. THew armor shoudl be drawn. Ceverly done with the swords abilitys

Hi Don!! I have just finished reading the first 3 chapters of your book. I will definitely be backing it when I finish these comments. You can write!! The character development of all your important characters (so far) is excellent. The pace of your book is just perfect, you definitely know the value of dialogue vs. narration. I am not a sci-fi or fantasy girl, typically, but I really enjoyed reading these chapters. Now on to my comments which are teeny. Keep in mind that I am no expert but have been told that I am pretty good at this.
CHAPTER ONE: Excellent! I do have two questions, though....One, how old is Kenny? And two, what the heck is a 'sotto voce' voice? I am guessing that it means 'soft voice'? But why don't you just say that in English? You have a great hook at the end of this chapter.
CHAPTER TWO: I would delete 'simply drinking his water' and leave the sentence at 'Kenny sighed.' More tension. The sentence that begins 'Next to the shelter....' sounds a bit awkward. How about something like "The next sound he heard was the blasts of the honor guard's 21 gun salute.' '...messy green suit..' What kind of suit was it? As in 'suit and tie'? Suit of armor? Or swimsuit? Oh, probably not. Birthday suit? HA! (That one was a joke!)
CHAPTER THREE: "Before I go to sea and join the Navy,...' I think that 'join the Navy' should go before 'go to sea'. I would delete 'mere' before 'man'. "All right"..I think this should be one word, shouldn't it? And in the same sentence, instead of 'you can marry Linda', I think you should change 'can' to 'will' as it doesn't sound like Kenny is asking for permission and beside, it sounds more dramatic.
Well, that is it. I hope you can dicipher my comments and I hope some of it helps. I can't wait to see this book at my bookstore (I'll buy it for sure!) and my hunch is that will happen sooner than later. You should be proud of this as I do believe its going to make you rich (movie rights!) ! Backing it right now......

shelved! ;o)

Have decided to back it today.

This is great story telling, easy to read. Building up nicely, And very well written, will put this on my shelf tomorrow.

This is a great story with all the components of a good myth based adventure. The child who is different, the mentor, the sword, the young wife and the reluctant hero. Great stuff!
Dialogue is very well written and furthers the story and relationships of the characters who therefore come alive.
The only problem here is that the writing needs a good edit. There are a lot of superfluous words that weaken the writing. Avoid word like just, slightly, little (except for size). Cut out all the adverbs ending in -ly except those within speech marks. The writing will be stronger without them. If the wrting makes you feel your verb needs qualification then pick a different verb.
As Forrest Gump would say - that all I have to say about that!
Backed, because it is a good story but give it an edit!
Best,
Fred
Take it with a cart-load of salt - I'm only an amateur too!

You get our attention right off the bat. Kudos -- an opening hook is all important!
I was puzzled at the age of the boy, since you refer to him as "little," yet at times his speech is older. And given that he has a girlfriend who he's concerned about, doesn't this signify the mind of a teenager?
"messy green suit" -- can you give us more? Messy because it's stained, crumpled, what?
For smooth handling of dialogue, good pacing, a super intro ... shelved.

It's taken an abominably long time, but I have finally come for the promised read/comment. I, naturally, enjoyed the premise of this book. It is right along the lines of what I both read and write. I think you have a natural gift for writing. Things flow well, you have well-rounded characters and deep scenes. The pace is nice. I was left with the impression, however, that you are still searching for your voice (trust me, this is the pot calling the kettle black, big time). For example:

"slightly rusty gate" or "highly polished boots". Slightly and Highly are superfluous adverbs. Succinct reads better (in my humble and decidedly unqualified opinion). If you tightened the sentence structure I think this would be phenominal. As it is, it was highly enjoyable and I'm happy to give it a rotation on my shelf.

Hi Don,
promised I'd have a look when on the forum the other day.....
I like the premise of your book, though the reluctant guy with a sword can easily become a stereotype. Still it's a popular theme because we like to see good triumph over evil. The handing the sword over was managed well, but I wonder if you could shorten pages 2 through to 4 as I really felt the pace picking up again on page five. (suggestion page five - 'turning the fresh powder to slush.'
The action from 5 onwards is great. As Gabriel says "Yes. This is an excellent start."
Shelved,
Scott.

Don,
this is exciting, dramatic, mystical and well written. I agree with other comments that it should appeal to a YA market.
Just ended chapter 5, but will be back for more. Shelved!

Best wishes, Agneta

Hi Don,

Love the premise and the first chapter really drew me in straight away. I would like to know how old Kenny is in the first chapter though, you just say 'little boy' and I wondered how little?

I love the two graduations coming together - high school and the Guardianship - there was a feeling of everything happening at once - especially when Kenny proposes as well! That's going to be tough.

I like the flash backs the sword gave Kenny too, great idea.
I think you can guess that I liked this - a lot!
On my shelf you go.

Berni
(Fledgling)

Hello Don sorry at time, but writing for hours. put A.G on my watchlist will give it a good read soon.

Hello, Don - as promised, sir. Nice work here. Good pitch, giving me high expectations of a 'League of Extraordinary Gentlemen'-type caper. Sounds tip-top. Opening chpt kicks off well, then leads up to the rather shocking death in 2. You swine. I *liked* Jeff. Here are my other random thoughts:

- "off [of]": delete the 'of'. You don't need it;
- clever reference to "decision" in chpt 1, and the need for discussion with the family. Makes me think, 'now what's going on here?' I want to learn more;
- "new and creative ways to hurt you": loved this;
- "I'm sorry, Kenny": this felt wrong. A personal thing, I know - so forgive me - but Jeff is giving his nephew something really exciting here. Yes, of course it's daunting, but I don't think he'd apologise for this. Perhaps I am missing something. Apologies if so.

Good stuff, Don, and a quick spin on the shelf for you. Best of luck with it - sestius

Don
I read 5 chapters. I found it difficult to get into at first. By chapter 4 I found myself as the reader, pulled in. Chapter 5 was equally gripping. However this is too late. My feeling is that the earlier chapters need to be more intriguing, gripping. My thought is to start chapter 1with action and then (maybe by chapter 2) introduce and explain the device.
Your writing is pretty good and easy to read. I had couple of tiny nitpicks. "Sotto voce" doesn't need voice after it since voce means voice. And "eyes flew up" left me with a comedic mental image of eyes taking flight!
Good luck with this. It's a great League of Gentlemen premise, that will appeal to many. If you restructure you early chapters and want me to take another look, let me know.
Best wishes
Murray
(for I Dare You)

Dear Don,
I was thinking about Kenny this evening - which is interesting, since I have about a thousand characters floating around in my head at this point - so I came back to see how the story continues to develop. I have a very long comment below, but I want to assure readers that this book ROCKS. Went through chapter 6 tonight nonstop. You don't miss a beat, Dan. On target, full of excitement, surprises at every turn. And Kenny thrives as a character - when he holds his wife "like a drowning man clutching a life ring" at the end of chapter 5, I thought to myself - "It doesn't get any better than this." So I thought I should let you and the readers know.
Lizzi
(Dionysus)

Very clear and smooth writing. Really interesting and one I will definitely return to.

This is excellent! I'm a Round Table fan and like the idea of a grardsman. It's all coming together quite nicely and the story is being rolled out instead of thrown at me. You have great flow, and perfect length of chapters.

One thing back at the beginning that was bothersome was the over uses of nodded. I thin the uncle nodded asomething Ken said but it wasn't a question.But nodded appeared 3 times in a row. Tha't it ! IT's on my shelf for a bit. Do stop by and take a look at Kate and Blue Jeans.

Very readable and promises great things. Backed.

Found the first chapter of 'The Advance Guard' intriguing, Don. Have put it on my watchlist for further reading.

Marko (Brief Encounters)