Torpedoed

Dear Charles,
Really enjoyed the first 2 chapters. Very impressed by all your research on U-boats, gives the story line a really authentic feel. Have recently read 'The Heart Mender' which was about U-boat activities off the southern states of the US during the war, and have just ordered the DVD of 'Das Boot'. I'll definitely come back and read more chapters.
Mfg George

Dear Charles,
I read "Torpedoed" and I love it. I happen to love U-boat stories anyway, as my own novel "Transfer Day" involves the adventures of a WWi German U-boat officer who deserts his ship in the Azores and ends up in hot water on a Danish Caribbean island, but I haven't uploaded all of it to "Authonomy", at least not yet.

Getting back to your MS, let me just make the following comments. I'm giving you 6 stars because your work is head and shoulders above the rest. It is truly outstanding. I'm sure a publisher of military fiction would love to get a copy of this MS. Also, the first Chapter is way too long. Could easily be broken up into 3 chapters at natural breaks in the text. You just pack in way too much information. Give the reader a chance to take a break, make a coffee, answer the phone, etc. by limiting chapter wording to under 2000 words if possible. For the hook, I think the book should start out this way:

"Leslie Meredith gaped at the shattered remains of her house, her normally poised and authoritative bearing turning limp and helpless.
"Bloody Hell!"

I really love the scenes aboard the U-boat. I would love to read this in published form. Get to work finishing it!
Good Luck,
Sophie Schiller

Hi this is Cyrus,

Your story has promise and I can tell you have a good technical grasp of your subject. I will continue to read , let me know if you would like vocabulary and grammar comments.
I would be wary of using the term Nazis during the aftermath of bombing raid, as clearly not all Luftwaffe were Nazis ( although to be fair, this was a common enough colloquial term at the time, so I accept you may well be correct) I'll check with my Nan on this point - she survived the blitz.
Nevertheless, a tale well told that builds well and has well defined characters.

Good luck I'm sure you will do well with this work.

regards

Cyrus

This has the makings of an exciting story. The submarine details are well written and accurate,and we have the pending collision between the two hatreds to look forward to,as promised by the pitch.

As someone who reads a lot of World War II books, both fictional and non-fiction, I was looking forward to Torpedoed. And I wasn’t disappointed.

Author Charles G Dyer invites us on a tale of personalities as much as warfare. And its neat that most of the tale centers on women. The grit of combat and person versus person fighting is very well done. Nothing is glossed over, which I think most people like in a war tale.

Having read a lot on the subject, I can say that I think Dyer gets all of his details correct, from the architect of a station to the proper gauges and lighting inside a U-boat to the type of bayonet used by the German navy. A lot of research went into this book, and readers will appreciate that.

Based on what is posted here, Torpedoed can rise above the standard WWII tale with a unique take on the genre that hits all the necessary points people want, but also blazes its own trail. It will do very well once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Just a few comments:
A strange opening paragraph - I thought the reference was to a ship at first until I read further!
2nd para - denotations should be detonations.
4th paragraph - should be St.Thomas's - normally referred to by locals as St.Tommy's.
para 6 - probably a bit anachronistic - its the sort of thing we would do today with a mobile phone or cheap digital camera - but in the 1940's all photography was expensive and the results poor unless you were willing to invest a lot on colour prints or black and white blow ups.

On the whole good mood and impression setting - I don't quite think you've got the balance right between description and reported speech and some of this is a bit stilted. You've probably done your homework a watched 1940's films and the Das Boot classics - you wouldn't go far astray by reporting the sort of dialogue that you find in these films. Of course, as a master of the genre Alan Furst is the one to aim for or Len Deighton in Bomber.
Good luck and best wishes
Paul

A lovely story, well written. I'm going to read more when time allows. I do have a suggestion about the beginning of the beginning.
I think the paragraphs would work better if you didn't start with her seeing the bombed out house, but you set the scene first. So my suggestion is as follows:-
Start with para 2 saying 'Leslie had to walk a mile from the Underground...
Then 3,4, 6, Now she turns the corner and sees what's left of the house. Bloody hell doesn't even begin to express what she would be feeling. She needs to feel more shock and outrage.
Now the description, so, 9,5,7.

You are doing what I did for years until I finally 'got it'. I thought that if I stayed in her head and told the reader what she was thinking, that was enough. It isn't. Emotion isn't a thought, it's better expressed by bodily reactions and what they feel like. (i.e., you can't just tell us what her reactions are - she has to feel them)
So, she burst into tears, doesn't cut it. The tears welled up and ran scalding down her cheeks. She dashed them away and clenched her fists. "The bloody Huns, she screamed at the sky.
Ok, that needs work, but you get the idea.

Hello Charles:

I began reading Torpedoed and was immediately taken in by the story. You have obviously done your homework in thoroughly researching U-Boat life. You also humanized the British being bombed in such a way that the reader could see the toll on their lives beyond being nameless casualties. This is exemplified by the account of how the protagonist Lesley had put so much money and love into her home, only to see if destroyed.

Thank you for your attention to detail and for bringing history to life.

James Revoir