Regency Masquerade

Nice read. Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

Is this on FictionPress by any chance nya...??

Thanks to all those who have given me specific feedback!
I have taken the comments on board and made several corrections.
I've changed Chapter One in particular and hope it reads more clearly now.
Vera

As someone with plenty of Georgette Heyer on her shelves, this is right up my alley - a great, fun regency read. This is well researched and has lots of lovely authentic details that regency fans will enjoy - I particularly liked the fencing scene.
You refer to Peter Francis/Frances as "the watcher" several times in the first chapter - I don't think this worked as well as it could. If you identify the watcher as Peter Francis, I don't think that would take away from anything - you don't want to tip the reader off that this character is not actually a man, as this would take away from the surprise later.
Also, while I really like the title of your novel, I wonder if it's a little close to Heyer's "The Masqueraders", which also features a young woman who disguises herself as a man. Perhaps a title to distinguish your book might be worth thinking about.
I seem to remember that Harper Collins' Avon imprint used to publish regency romances, so the very best of luck with catching HC's eye!

Hi Vera,

Below are a list of things that occured to me while I read. Bear in mind I don't read many romances and this means I have a tough time with the head hopping. I know this is omniscient POV and is acceptable in the Romance genre. Anyhow, I enjoyed reading this a lot and yes, I would have bought it. If I get to have one wish, it is to know why the old granny was so against the Frances? I gather she has probably spent the money, but it must be more to so go against her own kin. I shall be putting this on my shelf tomorrow, when I get room. For now, highly rated.

The first chapter appears a tad muddled. In the first part, this is more so by calling Peter ‘the watcher’. Since this character is then identified as Peter, I don’t see the need to hide this. Also, Peter calls for Jack to help, but Carleton completely forgets about this other character a few moments after being rescued.


From the blurb, I am assuming ‘Peter’ is really a girl. Since she was wearing a honking great cravat, the lack of an adam’s apple wouldn’t be noticed.

I noticed the formatting has been eaten by the site is some places where the words of one person speaking are with the thoughts, or words of another.


Chapter two. The fencing master has rubber writs? I am wondering when rubber was invented? Carriages were sprung with metal springs and the wheels had metal rims so there wouldn’t have been the usage. Just a thought.
There is a missing comma after the ‘close set eyes, comma, thought Francis to herself’


Chapter three. There is a slip in thoughts from her to him when Peter is walking through the street. Since the reader knows who Peter is, it would be best to stick with ‘her’.


Chapter four. The wig to go with the green dress has changed from brown to blonde.


Chapter five. The housekeeper calls Frances ‘she’ and ‘her’ to Carlton and doesn’t seem surprised. Nor does he seem surprised that she is not surprised.


Chapter ten b. How does Frances know Maddy wrote the note?


Chapter eleven a. The servant’s name changes from John to Tom after the door is broken.


Chapter thirteen. How can a blind woman see to throw a snapped fan in the fire?

I really like this story, Vera. But I have to say that the paragraphs at the start that Nick covers are still a bit muddled. I'm still not sure who's who in the melee of the gunshot.
Other than that I found this to be thoroughly entertaining. You've captured the sense of time nicely and as a piece of historical fiction with a very clever twist, I'd say it was well done.
i read a couple of chapters and would love to read further but time is limited. You've concocted a really great mystery and it's kept my interest all the way through.
All the best, Vera and good luck.

Minor modification done - 3rd time lucky!

I really like this story, Vera. But I have to say that the paragraphs at the start that Nick covers are still a bit muddled. I'm still not sure who's who in the melee of the gunshot.
Other than that I found this to be thoroughly entertaining. You've captured the sense of time nicely and as a piece of historical fiction with a very clever twist, I'd say it was well done.
i read a couple of chapters and would love to read further but time is limited. You've concocted a really great mystery and it's kept my interest all the way through.
All the best, Vera and good luck.

I've just made a few adjustments to Chapter One, based on Nick's comments. I hope it reads more smoothly now!
19/1/12

REGENCY MASQUERADE
I like this kind of story. I never suspected from the first chapter that Peter was not who he seemed to be; I really sat up and took notice when he revealed his true identity. I like your writing style a lot; the way you describe characters is well done; enough description a reader appreciates what they look like, not so much period detail you weigh down your story. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Cool grey eyes summed up the situation ahead in one glance.  A tall man in black evening dress stood in the narrow street fending off what looked like two – no three, footpads.  His drawn sword was keeping them at bay for the present, but for how much longer?  Even as he stood there, two of them started working together to engage the sword with their sticks while the third angled in to strike a blow at their victim. The watcher could hear him gasping for air as his sword flashed furiously trying to defend himself from three sides at once.
 NOT SURE ABOUT THE OPENING SENTENCE. I COMPARE IT TO THE SIMILAR START TO A GEORGETTE HEYER. LET ME SEE
“A GENTLEMAN WAS STROLLING DOWN A SIDE STREET IN PARIS...HE WLKED VERY MINCINGLY, FOR THE RED HEELS OF HIS SHOES WERE VERY HIGH. ALONG PURPLE CLOAK (ETC ETC) HE PROCEEDED LANGUIDLY ON HIS WAY, GLANCING NEITHER TO LEFT NOR RIGHT, APPARENTLY HEEDLESS OF POSSIBLE DANGER.”
NOW WE DON'T ACTUALLY MEET THE OWNER OF THE COOL GREY EYES UNTIL THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. WHY IS THAT A PROBLEM?

WELL. THE DISEMBODIED COOL GREY EYES ARE A BIT CLUMSY I'M AFRAID. FAR BETTER TO MEET THE WATCHER, NO?
Rather reluctantly, the watcher realised he would have to go to the aid of the man under attack.  Moving quickly once he had reached that decision, he drew a small silver pistol from his right hand coat pocket and levelled it carefully at the nearest assailant.  The sudden explosion startled all four men and his target clapped a hand to his arm, blood spurting between his fingers.  Heads swivelled wildly seeking to discover the source of the attack and he shouted excitedly “Quick after them Jack, we’ll see some sport tonight!”  In a flash, the would-be robbers deserted their prey and fled down the street.
 NOW I APPRECIATE THE STYLE OF THE “TELL” BUT I DON'T LIKE THE OPENING CLAUSES AND CONFUSION OF OWNERSHIP OF THE SENTENCES. TAKE:
“The sudden explosion startled all four men and his target clapped a hand to his arm, blood spurting between his fingers.  Heads swivelled wildly seeking to discover the source of the attack and he shouted excitedly”
WE HAVE THE SUDDEN EXPLOSION AS SUBJECT AND THEN HIS TARGET, THEN HEADS SWIVELLED AND HE SHOUTED. THIS REQUIRES SOME READING AND SORTING OUT WHEN IT SHOULD BE BOTH CRYSTAL CLEAR AND FAST MOVING.
THE SUDDEN EXPLOSION OF THE PISTOL. THE ASSAILANT (BEARDED? DESCRIPTION? SOME LINK TO FIRST MENTION?) CLUTCHED HIS SHOULDER, BLOOD LEAKING THROUGH HIS FINGERS. OTHER HEADS SWIVELLED, EYES WIDE. THE WATCHER LOWERED HIS SMOKING GUN AND CRIED, “QUICK, JACK, AFTER THEM! WHAT SPORT WE'LL HAVE TONIGHT!”
THREE PAIRS OF HEELS DISAPPEARED DOWN THE STREET. LEAVING THEIR PREY AND SOME SPOTS OF BLOOD.
The watcher waited a minute then stepped out of the shadows and towards the other man who stood still, holding his sword and breathing heavily.

NOW ONCE AGAIN IT'S NOT CLEAR WHO SPEAKS AND IT SHOULD BE. SPLIT THE SENTENCES UP.

THE WATCHER STEPPED OUT OF THE SHADOWS. THE VICTIM SWAYED ON HIS FEET FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LOWERING HIS SWORD AND GULPING AIR.
 “My thanks to you sir, whoever you are, and to your friend.  That was a good shot in poor light.”  The only light in fact came from the moon and all that he could see of his rescuer was a dark slight shape of medium height.  His dress however seemed that of a gentleman and his voice confirmed it. I'LL FORGIVE THE SWITCH OF POINT OF VIEW BUT WILL MERELY POINT OUT THAT IT IS UNNECESSARY AND YOU MIGHT BE BETTER LETTING US SHARE THE WATCHER'S VIEWPOINT AND CURIOSITY.
“T’was my pleasure sir, although I’m afraid I invented my friend for the occasion!”   He bowed slightly.
WHY NOT SPLIT THE SPEECH WITH THE ACTION?
“TWAS MY PLEASURE, SIR,” HE SAID WITH A SLIGHT BOW. “ALTHOUGH I MUST CONFESS TO HAVE INVENTED MY FRIEND FOR THE OCCASION.” 
“My house is nearby.  Perhaps you would permit me to offer you a drink?  My name is Carleton by the way, Richard Carleton.”  He held out a hand and the other man shook it. NOW IT IS NOT AT ALL CLEAR WHETHER THE WATCHER IS CARLETON OR IF IT IS THE VICTIM. 
“Peter Francis” he offered, a little hesitantly it seemed. WATCHER? OR VICTIM? 
“You’ll join me for a drink then?”
 “Well..” 
“Just for a few minutes,” Carleton interrupted, heading off a refusal.  “Or would it not be convenient?”  This last was said rather coolly and the younger man realised that to decline the invitation would appear churlish. I'M STILL WAITING TO FIND OUT. 
“Thank you, that would be very pleasant,” he gave in gracefully.
 He fell into step beside the other man and seemed to be concentrating on keeping his footing amongst the cobblestones.  After several minutes silence, Carleton inquired pleasantly, “Have you been in London long, Francis?”
 “No, only a week.  I – I’ve been abroad.”
 “Doing the Grand Tour?”
“I’m afraid not.  I’ve spent the last three years living in Italy, and several years in France before that.”
 Carleton wondered whether it was just his imagination, but each answer from his companion appeared to be carefully considered before being spoken – almost as if he were making them up as he went along.  However a few readily answered questions about Rome and Florence soon proved he had certainly spent some time in both places.  Perhaps he was merely reserved.  “And that is something I can surely sympathise with,” Carleton thought wryly to himself.
NOW IT DEPENDS WHO RESCUED WHOM, BUT IF CARLETON WAS THE RESCUED HE WOULD READILY FORGIVE THE PREVARICATION, IF THE OTHER WAY ROUND, SOME CURIOSITY WOULD BE PIQUED, NO? 
Ten minutes walk found them at the house he had rented for the Season in Grosvenor Place and they went up the steps.  The door was opened by an elderly butler and Peter followed Carleton inside.  He stood blinking in the bright light while the butler removed his master’s coat. 
 
“Bring some claret to the study will you Rawlings?  This way,” he gestured, turning to the other man. A WEE BIT TOO MAY STAGE DIRECTIONS. Seeing him properly for the first time, he saw that his “rescuer” was much younger than he had supposed, surely not more than eighteen or nineteen.  He had fair hair, cropped short in the prevailing fashion, steady grey eyes, a smooth skin browned by a foreign sun, and a firm, though slightly rounded chin.  He was dressed neatly, if not expensively, in dark blue coat and pantaloons with a white cravat at his throat.  He wore no jewellery except for a signet ring on one slim hand.
 OKAY...IS HIS RESCUER A GIRL? THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE RELUCTANCE TO EMBODY THE COOL GREY EYES. BUT BETTER TO DESCRIBE THE SCENE FROM AFAR OR STAY WITH CARLETON'S VIEWPOINT FROM THE START. HAVE HIM ATTACKED AND RESCUED AND THEN SEE THE COOL GREY EYES.
Peter on the other hand, saw a tall man of perhaps thirty with rather harsh features under his dark curly hair.  He was dressed, as he had noticed earlier, all in black which accentuated the thinness of his build though, as his swordplay had shown, it was the thinness of whipcord.  It was also apparent that his host belonged to a much higher level of society than himself.  His coat was exquisitely tailored and must have cost more than Peter had spent on clothes in his entire life.
 NO, DON'T LIKE THE POINT OF VIEW SWITCHING. NOT NECESSARY AND MAKES IT OVERLY COMPLICATED. YOU WILL BE WITH HER SOON ENOUGH, I THINK. INTRIGUE US FIRST BUT LETTING US MEET HER THROUGH HIS EYES. AND GET SOME PERVERSENESS IN THERE TOO.
At the same moment, each became suddenly aware he was sizing up the other.  Peter’s lips twitched and he laughed.  “I’m sorry sir” he quickly apologised and after a second Carleton smiled back.  “Claret?” he offered as Rawlings poured two glasses from the bottle and then set it down on the study table.
 YOUR LACK OF POINT OF VIEW HAS MESSED THAT WHOLE PARA UP.
“Thank you, sir” Peter took the claret and sipped it appreciatively.
“Seeing as you saved my purse, if not my life tonight, I don’t think you need to call me sir.” 
“Thank you.. ” Peter looked a little self conscious.  Suddenly at a loss for conversation, Carleton asked “While you were in Florence, I don’t suppose you spent much time in the art galleries?”
“Well yes, I did. There are so many masterpieces, the Uffizi collection alone is simply marvellous.”  His guest’s eyes had lit up with true enthusiasm.  “You are interested in Italian paintings yourself?”
 PERHAPS THIS WOULD WORK BETTER IF PETER'S EYE HAD FALLEN UPON A PAINTING AND HE HAD GASPED, “IS THAT A ...” AND THE CONVERSATION COULD HAVE TAKEN OFF MORE NATURALLY FROM THERE, INCLUDING AN OFFER TO SHOW HIM SOME OTHERS?
Carleton confessed that he was, and also in their sculpture, and the two men talked for over an hour.  Carleton revealed at one stage that he had made the Grand Tour himself some years ago but that his companion was more interested in sport than art.  “Well I enjoy sport as well of course but.. in Italy!  My companion couldn’t see any point at all in staring at a lot of dusty old portraits.  Nor could my father, which was why I was landed with someone so incompatible for my guide!”
 
“What a shame!  Have you never thought of going back yourself then?” queried Peter.
“Frequently, especially when I get fed up with the Season and its endless gossip!” 
Peter laughed and took out his watch.  “I’m sure I must have been here for ages.  Good heavens! It’s after one o’clock, I hope I haven’t outstayed my welcome.”
“By no means.  I haven’t had such an interesting conversation for a long time.”  Carleton rose to his feet reluctantly.  “Shall I see you at White’s?”
Peter shook his head, exclusive London clubs were above his touch.
“I’d be happy to sponsor you if you’d care to join,” Carleton offered.
“That’s too good of you!”  Peter looked up in surprise, Carleton knew next to nothing about him.  Then he realised that the offer had been made in part to repay him for the assistance he had given that evening.  “However, I don’t think I’ll be mixing in such circles this visit – I- I’m not particularly plump in the pocket at present,”  he explained further with a touch of embarrassment.
“I see.  Well the offer still stands, there’s no need to play the tables you know.”
Peter merely smiled and inclined his head.
“In that case, I’ll bid you good night,” replied Carleton a little stiffly.  “Shall I get you a hackney?”
“No thanks, it’s just a short walk.”
“May I ask where you are staying?”
Peter hesitated a moment then named the Pelican, a modest inn some couple of miles north.  “I’m sorry, I don’t want to impose on you.”
Carleton made a noise which in a lesser man would have been called a snort and saw his guest to the door.  “Till later then”.
They shook hands and Peter strode off into the night – so much for lying low in London!  Still he’d had no choice but to help Carleton and he’d enjoyed his company very much.  If things had been different they might have been good friends.
 John would be waiting up for him – it was very late, perhaps he’d better take a cab after all.  He found one at the next corner, having just unloaded a passenger, and soon he was rattling over the cobblestones at a brisk pace.
 Carleton went thoughtfully up the stairs to his room.  There was an odd air of secrecy about Francis – apart from his taste in art, he knew nothing of him after their conversation other than his name.  What was his background?  Where did he come from?  Was he even English for that matter?  Despite the mystery he rather thought he liked him.
NO SUDDEN THOUGHT ABOUT LONG LASHES OVER GREY EYES SLIGHTLY DISCOMFORTING HIM?

I LIKE THIS STUFF, AS I'VE SAID BEFORE.
 

where's the rest, vera? i keep waiting for you to upload some more but i guess i have misunderstood and these 14 chapters are actually it? it didn't seem to end, though, there are still a few loose ends.

Sorry, that's it! I may do some revision at some time in the future, but I'm enjoying writing some new stories at present.
Vera

where's the rest, vera? i keep waiting for you to upload some more but i guess i have misunderstood and these 14 chapters are actually it? it didn't seem to end, though, there are still a few loose ends.

Read to chapter three and really enjoyed it. It reads very smoothly and captured my interest from the start. Like the gender surprise and like Frances as a character. Shall be reading on, and will say more later, though I can't find any useful typos or whatever. watchlisting and will shelve when I have cleared my wait list.
Cariad.

I really enjoyed this, Vera and I'm happy to have it on my shelf.

Crisp, clean prose that tells the story with an unfussy, effortless charm. Subtly evoked - but all the more convincing for being so - sense of time and place. Real and distinctive dialogue that adds great energy to the scenes (I esp liked your use of 'freestanding' dialogue - very effective).

In short, a confident, very polished opening. Thanks and best of luck. A

Read to the end and thoroughly enjoyed it. There are a few technical issues with things like commas (used to run sentences together where a full stop might be more appropriate) and apostrophes (families instead of family's etc) but that's just a matter of proofing and I'm sure you'll pick it up.

I did have a few thoughts as I was reading, and hope they might be helpful.
Frances and Carleton are both good characters, but perhaps a little paler than they might be. Frances could be both feistier and softer (more romantic) and Carleton lacks some of that tough, possessive dominance typical of Regency heroes. (Times were different, then - men were definitely the masters!)

You have a great opportunity with Lady Murray that might benefit from a bit more exploration. She's a bigoted, manipulative old cow who could be used to great effect as a contrast to Frances and as a trouble-maker in her own right.

I did have some trouble with the language. A few giveaway modern phrases slipped in - 'get a move on','for ages', 'a bit of' - and at the same time, the obvious period phrases you used were too few and far between to be wholly acceptable. I think too that you might need to check carefully on which echelon of society would have used which phrase. 'What his lay is', for example, I suspect might be associated with highwaymen rather than gentlemen. And would a hotel purported to be highly respectable accommodation (the Regent) have a tap room? Not sure.

My biggest suggestion, though, is to do with the rhythm and cadence of the whole manuscript. I'm sorry if this sounds airy-fairy and indulgent, but it seems to me that in a period piece, it's important that flavour of the period is reflected in the writing style. Despite its undoubtedly sordid underbelly, the Regency period was very elegant and mannered, and the flow of the writing needs to reflect this.

But on the other hand, who am I to say? The trouble is I'm a committed Heyer fan, and I can see that this is so nearly there! Love to see it take the final plunge.

Nicely written and entertaining. And a very suitable cover. To be backed.

I've changed the cover - what do you think? this one or the previous one?

The new one wouldn't load so i am back to the original!

I've changed the cover - what do you think? this one or the previous one?

I knew it.

I'm a big Heyer fan. You have nearly got it here.

Thanks! Vera

I knew it.

I'm a big Heyer fan. You have nearly got it here.

Not sure what you mean by a metro sexual twist. Shakespeare was disguising girls as men in The Merchant of Venice and other tales. It’s quite common in literature and never fails to entertain.

You have a great idea, plot and characters. Love what you do with it. I am a writer of romance and this was a lovely one to review. I give more in-depth reviews with stories from my own genre.

A few things come to mind.
Is Jack Lambert playing any serious role or threat to the main characters? You have him ‘seething with conjecture’ on the night of the ball. Is this important? Otherwise it seems like a loose end.

Carleton fondles Frances’ breast when it’s revealed she is a woman. I thought this a bit forward given his strict demeanor and her propensity for proper conduct to protect her reputation. However, it was one of the best sensual moments in the book and therefore I’d recommend you infuse more of the same. Build on that kind of tension.

I’d like a bit more description of Carleton and Frances’ physical features at varying points throughout the story. Also, the need for sexual tension between the main couple in a Regency Romance is imperative. When they meet at the ball for the first time (she as a woman) he hands her lemonade and goes back to Rosamund. No, he should be beguiled or intrigued for some ‘inexplicable’ reason and ‘busybody’ Rosamund should interrupt them, breaking the spell. Otherwise we’ve missed a perfectly good opportunity for sexual tension and mystery. Again the fact Rosamund is more interested in Lambert and allows Carleton to walk away easily from a possible relationship could be exploited a little more. Make things more difficult for your main characters.

I know Frances is pretending to be a boy/man but play up those moments when she is with Carleton. Perhaps he could clap her on the back in a manly way and we can experience her growing desire and awareness of her attraction to him. She needs to notice more, i.e. his lips, his eyes, his strong hands and the sound of his voice - (sensual).
I’m not seeing him as the classic alpha-male in a romance novel. He’s a bit nicey nice. I wanted him to get on the ‘damn’ horse and chase her to London. Have a fistfight or two and make it clear she belongs to him.

Watch for inconsistency of character. You write: “He had found no-one yet that he wished to marry and was too reserved, fastidious even, to seek out a casual relationship which was distinguished, as he saw it, by lust on one side and avarice on the other.”
But yet he thinks of offering her the chance to be his mistress when they are in the country together, when he's not really sure that she isn’t an adventuress/loose woman. (Minor detail but something to think about.)

Stay with the main characters. Information about Jack Lambert and the girls at the ball, after Frances leaves, is unnecessary, unless relevant to the plot later on. I read the whole amount and it didn’t seem to crop up significantly. Same with the thoughts of the squire at Chatswood and the servants. You switch point of view (pov) to characters that don’t need a voice.

“Doing it too brown my lord! I’ll bid you good day then.” BTW What does that mean?? A colloquial expression needs explanation for some readers.

The latter chapters detail events that happen to Frances and the couple subsequently reunites. However, many opportunities are missed to create tension and excitement. There is no real adventure or escape other than the old nurse, Mrs. Pearson, doing a bit of subterfuge. Carleton and Frances get back together but it is very matter of fact.
“Let’s get married.”
“Okay yes, let’s do that.”
The romance is a little flat when they have dinner and then go to bed. Expand on the relationship – you’ve done the work to build a great framework and now it just needs the added elements to turn it into a classic Regency tale.

The Comte showing up and hiding in the bushes was a little too simplified. Why was he trying to shoot Frances? Murder? After losing some money at a gambling table. It didn’t seem like much of a reason to kill someone, after all rich men lost money all the time back then, unless she was cheating (in his mind) but it needs tweaking.

One thing I’ve noted in many of these books is the use of a prologue to inform the reader of the couple’s relationship and how it has progressed. Usually it entails whether or not they gained the inheritance or if Lady Murray dies miserably, etc…. Do they have a family and live happily ever after. I wasn’t sure if the book ended or not. Perhaps there is more?

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed your work and hope you do well with this one. It has potential in the romance market.

Cheers,
Christine Elaine Black
MAXIMUS

Thank you so much Elaine for your comprehensive review! you make a lot of valid points. I wrote a lot of this story a few years ago, and now I've taken early retirement I thought I'd see if I could extend it into a novel. I followed where it lead me to a large extent. This is my first attempt. I think I'll have a break from it now, after 2 intense months of writing and look at it again in a couple of months! Thank you again, Ill keep a copy of this for the future in case I redo it. Vera

Not sure what you mean by a metro sexual twist. Shakespeare was disguising girls as men in The Merchant of Venice and other tales. It’s quite common in literature and never fails to entertain.

You have a great idea, plot and characters. Love what you do with it. I am a writer of romance and this was a lovely one to review. I give more in-depth reviews with stories from my own genre.

A few things come to mind.
Is Jack Lambert playing any serious role or threat to the main characters? You have him ‘seething with conjecture’ on the night of the ball. Is this important? Otherwise it seems like a loose end.

Carleton fondles Frances’ breast when it’s revealed she is a woman. I thought this a bit forward given his strict demeanor and her propensity for proper conduct to protect her reputation. However, it was one of the best sensual moments in the book and therefore I’d recommend you infuse more of the same. Build on that kind of tension.

I’d like a bit more description of Carleton and Frances’ physical features at varying points throughout the story. Also, the need for sexual tension between the main couple in a Regency Romance is imperative. When they meet at the ball for the first time (she as a woman) he hands her lemonade and goes back to Rosamund. No, he should be beguiled or intrigued for some ‘inexplicable’ reason and ‘busybody’ Rosamund should interrupt them, breaking the spell. Otherwise we’ve missed a perfectly good opportunity for sexual tension and mystery. Again the fact Rosamund is more interested in Lambert and allows Carleton to walk away easily from a possible relationship could be exploited a little more. Make things more difficult for your main characters.

I know Frances is pretending to be a boy/man but play up those moments when she is with Carleton. Perhaps he could clap her on the back in a manly way and we can experience her growing desire and awareness of her attraction to him. She needs to notice more, i.e. his lips, his eyes, his strong hands and the sound of his voice - (sensual).
I’m not seeing him as the classic alpha-male in a romance novel. He’s a bit nicey nice. I wanted him to get on the ‘damn’ horse and chase her to London. Have a fistfight or two and make it clear she belongs to him.

Watch for inconsistency of character. You write: “He had found no-one yet that he wished to marry and was too reserved, fastidious even, to seek out a casual relationship which was distinguished, as he saw it, by lust on one side and avarice on the other.”
But yet he thinks of offering her the chance to be his mistress when they are in the country together, when he's not really sure that she isn’t an adventuress/loose woman. (Minor detail but something to think about.)

Stay with the main characters. Information about Jack Lambert and the girls at the ball, after Frances leaves, is unnecessary, unless relevant to the plot later on. I read the whole amount and it didn’t seem to crop up significantly. Same with the thoughts of the squire at Chatswood and the servants. You switch point of view (pov) to characters that don’t need a voice.

“Doing it too brown my lord! I’ll bid you good day then.” BTW What does that mean?? A colloquial expression needs explanation for some readers.

The latter chapters detail events that happen to Frances and the couple subsequently reunites. However, many opportunities are missed to create tension and excitement. There is no real adventure or escape other than the old nurse, Mrs. Pearson, doing a bit of subterfuge. Carleton and Frances get back together but it is very matter of fact.
“Let’s get married.”
“Okay yes, let’s do that.”
The romance is a little flat when they have dinner and then go to bed. Expand on the relationship – you’ve done the work to build a great framework and now it just needs the added elements to turn it into a classic Regency tale.

The Comte showing up and hiding in the bushes was a little too simplified. Why was he trying to shoot Frances? Murder? After losing some money at a gambling table. It didn’t seem like much of a reason to kill someone, after all rich men lost money all the time back then, unless she was cheating (in his mind) but it needs tweaking.

One thing I’ve noted in many of these books is the use of a prologue to inform the reader of the couple’s relationship and how it has progressed. Usually it entails whether or not they gained the inheritance or if Lady Murray dies miserably, etc…. Do they have a family and live happily ever after. I wasn’t sure if the book ended or not. Perhaps there is more?

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed your work and hope you do well with this one. It has potential in the romance market.

Cheers,
Christine Elaine Black
MAXIMUS

I have added to Chapter 11 today. 21/8

yes this is old-fashioned; and a breath of fresh air! l like the careful style and brilliant dialogue- it's elegant and stylish...
this is is on my watchlist with 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

In the first chapter its not difficult to slip into the period as you read. Authentic dialogue without being overdone and nice imagery suggests careful research.
Certainly a good start for a colourful period in our history and an intriguing premise. I look forward to reading more.
The writing flows well and there was nothing to stumble over although I did notice a sp. 'with a white cravat at 'this' throat...'
Starred and on my shelf. Margaret.

hi again vera!
this is all very fab, like condensed georgette heyer. i do feel like an addict and you are my dealer. i do wish you could download it all at once so that i can have a good old read rather than chapter-sized bites! (that is unless you are just writing it as we go along, in which case you are setting a cracking pace)
love it!
jen
ps- when you get published i will collect all of the set!

Thanks Jen - I am uploading a bit at a time to spin it out - I have nearly finished the whole thing - still pondering whether I will stick with my current ending.
Vera

hi again vera!
this is all very fab, like condensed georgette heyer. i do feel like an addict and you are my dealer. i do wish you could download it all at once so that i can have a good old read rather than chapter-sized bites! (that is unless you are just writing it as we go along, in which case you are setting a cracking pace)
love it!
jen
ps- when you get published i will collect all of the set!

I have extended Chapter 5 today 11/8

Hi Vera

I am a big fan of this type of period drama. Just a quick comment on the short and long pitch. It is probably good practice not to repeat the short pitch in the long one. In the short pitch the first sentence is fine, the second sentence doesn't seem to fit..its really the first line of the longer pitch ( I would drop the first sentence of the longer pitch) . I would also suggest splitting up the final sentence. "There's only one problem. She's a gamesters daughter and he's a Lord. Not to mention he thinks she's a man." something like that....just my two cents worth...

MP Jones.

I think you could be right, I may redo it - Vera

Vera,
What an intriguing idea to have a girl masquerade as a man and then fall in love with a handsome Lord who's befriended her as a man. The obvious complication foreshadowed would certainly be a page-turner, the reader wanting to know the outcome of such a predicament. Your conversational style works well with this easy flowing tale. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim

Thank you - I hope you keep reading it. Vera
The North Korean

Hi Vera

I am a big fan of this type of period drama. Just a quick comment on the short and long pitch. It is probably good practice not to repeat the short pitch in the long one. In the short pitch the first sentence is fine, the second sentence doesn't seem to fit..its really the first line of the longer pitch ( I would drop the first sentence of the longer pitch) . I would also suggest splitting up the final sentence. "There's only one problem. She's a gamesters daughter and he's a Lord. Not to mention he thinks she's a man." something like that....just my two cents worth...

MP Jones.

Vera,
What an intriguing idea to have a girl masquerade as a man and then fall in love with a handsome Lord who's befriended her as a man. The obvious complication foreshadowed would certainly be a page-turner, the reader wanting to know the outcome of such a predicament. Your conversational style works well with this easy flowing tale. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Very nicely done, however, I must admit that i had to re-read some of the narration. Your third-person perspective was a bit shaky and I got confused about who was doing what. After reading the pitch I am suspicious of Carleton. Is he a woman?

Fair enough - hopefully it will get clearer as it progresses. Vera

ooooh, i do love a period drama! and this one is a ripper. please hurry and finish it so that i can read the rest. but don't fret, because i would buy a copy rather than just read it here!
jen

Thanks! Vera

Very nicely done, however, I must admit that i had to re-read some of the narration. Your third-person perspective was a bit shaky and I got confused about who was doing what. After reading the pitch I am suspicious of Carleton. Is he a woman?

ooooh, i do love a period drama! and this one is a ripper. please hurry and finish it so that i can read the rest. but don't fret, because i would buy a copy rather than just read it here!
jen