The Girl in the Rain

Here for the reap swap we orchestrated!

I didn't know this until I finished it (obviously) but the journal entry reads nothing like a journal entry to me. I know everybody is different, and what not, and for all I know people all over the place are writing flowering journal entries like this - but I just didn't believe it. Not that it was bad -- it was nice. Snippets from it that I particularly enjoyed were 'water snakes' and 'paper prisons'.

I could tell from the end of the journal entry that you are more literary. That is marvelous, but many people these days don't have the patience for a lot of prose. When Gwenn is by the car, especially, it feels endless. I get that she was nervous, etc, but it really did go on a bit longer than I felt necessary.

The cliche alarm in my head sounded upon reading "her legs shook like a newborn calves".

Another thing from that passage that I noticed was you used 'debate' quite a lot, and very close together. Debate, I'm sure, has loads of synonyms, so you might want to interchange one or two of those with a synonym. If I noticed, other people might.

This sounds like I'm nit-picking, but I couldn't help noticing - 'auburn' doesn't need to be capitalized. And while I'm on this auburn train, I wondered why you said auburn-red. Auburn is a reddish-brown, so I felt the hypen red tacked on at the end was unnecessary.

You used italics an awful lot. They distracted me. A lot. I re-read the lines that were italicised, and often felt they didn't need to be emphasized THAT much. It wasn't just the first chapter either, it continued into the third, and every time I saw them I wondered why they absolutely needed to be there. Maybe I'm just OCD.

Small typo when little John is describing Melinda -- you said pictured when I'm pretty sure you meant pictures.

Pretty clever to add the transcription of John's session with Dr. Campbell into the third chapter. It was well placed because now the audience gets a better feel of John's character, though he's dead. If it hadn't been there, I probably would have been hard-pressed to care that he was dead. Like when someone I don't know gets into an accident, and I hear about it....it sucks, but I'm not going to be upset by the news. Hope that made some sense.

I am wondering how many words this is, total. You have such long descriptive paragraphs that, while beautiful, may over-inflate the word count. If you are anything like me, you will loathe trimming down passages you may have labored over, so I won't suggest doing that, but I'm afraid you might lose your audience to boredom because they don't want to read long-winded descriptive paragraphs about rain and such. Of course, when I hear that, I think, well shit, I don't want those uneducated dolts reading my stuff anyway -- but then, actually, I kind of do. I don't know. Something you may consider. I could be crazy ( I really am).

Hope I could be of some help.

Melissa

Dear Mr. Wickham, Your descriptive powers are excellent. The mysteriousness of the first two chapters seems forced -- -- you appear to be demanding your reader's attention by repeating the same clues and hints with no progress. Otherwise very professional. Will put on my Watch List and read on a while.

Egon Richard Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

A BHCG review-
This was a great read. Lots of mystery with nice description and sentence flow. Some might think your style is over-wordy, so taking a few adverbs and adjectives out might be a good idea. I wouldn't say you really needed to, though. I'd suggest splitting the prologue and the first chapter, just so people don't click on your book and think, 'great, another one with really long chapters'.
Your grammar and punctuation is great--I always enjoy running into well-editted books on authonomy. The only thing I'd suggest you do is look at how many time you use the word 'rain'. I noticced so many times in the first part of the book it threw me off somewhat. That's a problem I have to edit out of my writing all the time, so it's not a big deal!
I really liked this. Watchlisted and starred, and I hope my review can help you out.
Noelle J. Alabaster

Hi, there – this is your festive Christmas BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

SP – Your SP reads like the remark you might make to someone who asks, “What’s your book about?” I think it should read more like a tantalizing invitation, with a sense of mystery and foreboding.

LP – She’s watching the rain wash her husband away like a fingerprint on a window. Does rain wash fingerprints away? I would think it blurs them. In any case, this image doesn’t work for me. I bet you can write something much stronger.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
“The rain is tapping…” is fairly weak for an opening line. “The rain taps…” would be better. This initial font is very hard to read.

“…some belonging and the rest belong….” The two verbs should have the same endings.

“…batter angrily at those panes of glass and howls.” Howls should be howl to be parallel with batter.

The Journal of James Campbell seems too long. This may be due to the font. But I think you could tighten this prose for stronger effect to splash the reader with the cold, dark rain and really invite us into this mysterious story.

“She was trying to prepare…” How about, “She prepared herself…” These constructions distance the reader from the text, making me feel as if you don’t really want me to read your story.

The final half of Chapter 1 is far superior to the starting half. More of the words convey meaningful information here.

The mention of lip gloss at the funeral gives me my first indication of the time period—it can’t be too far back in history—but I still don’t know where we are.

Characters/Characterization
There’s a lot of prose here but not much information about the two—or three, really--characters. A hint about hair color (gray?) or creaking bones could help us position these people in age. I was a little astonished when James looked at the widow’s legs, as I had assumed she was considerably older than he was. And I don’t understand what kind of man watches a woman fall down on his patio and doesn’t run out to help her up.

The descriptions of the children playing (chapter 2) is again wordy and long when it could be precise and powerful. There’s too much about what they normally do and not enough about the specific incident. And could we have a little foreshadowing? Something about the cold stream before the boy is in it? A glimpse of the hospital before it’s needed?

Point of View/Voice
Omni, which seems best for this as you deliver the story from the perspectives of the various players.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Your style makes you seem a passive and reluctant story-teller. We need more juicy, powerful verbs and colors and smells and sights and sounds to make this story come alive.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
The paragraph after the widow mentions “Merrill Lake” is particularly vague. I have no idea what or where Merrill Lake is, and no clues about what’s happened there. But I do know that it’s mysterious.

How does James *know* he has John’s account of those days in his hands? Did the widow tell him so? Then he would know that she got the notes at Merrill Lake, no?

“One in the same” should be “One and the same.”

The first two paragraphs of Chapter 2 could be clearer and stronger. It’s difficult to tell if he was 7 and a half at his great grandmother’s funeral or at the current one. Did his dad tell him he didn’t have to go to grandma’s funeral or to Dawson’s? Your tendency to rely on verbs of being exacerbates this effect.

“…because she did neat things like…” Wordy. You could say, “John liked spending time with her, too, because she liked climbing trees…” This section, where we see John as a young boy and the two girls as rivals for his affection, tells us much but shows us little. Let a scene or two play out so that we see how the girls vie for his attentions.

Dialogue
The opening conversation between Gwenn and James seems disjointed. She says, “I called from there and came straight here.” Then he says, “It’s okay, I’m not sleeping either…” And why is his tone queer when he suggests keeping the towel?

I keep sensing an odd juxtaposition of everyday speech mixed with unusually formal talk. It’s got me disoriented.

As the conversation progresses, I get a glimpse of John and his problems. I’ve learned more in this conversation than in all the narration before. I wonder if you could start here??

Originality
I don’t read many mysteries, so I couldn’t really comment on this.

Publishability
I think this story needs some work before you begin sending it out.

After reading two chapters, I do have a curiosity about what happened in the life of the mysterious John. If the text were more readable, I’d spend more time here to find out.

Incidentally, when you post replies to comments on your page, the person you’re trying to reach doesn’t see them. All it does is artificially inflate the number of comments on your book.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

JC

I believe this is a return read. Sorry for the delay.

I very easily could imagine the prologue and chapter one as the opening scene of a black and white movie — the girls face appearing ing the rain on the glass, the pages taped to the wall. I kept hearing thunder in my head. There were a couple of instances where the prose was a bit more flowery than is my personal preference, but there is definite beauty in your words and phrasing. I hope this is a big success.

Bill
HAKTAW HEART

A BHCG review
Sorry about the length, I always use few words. Fewer the better.
Plot – The opening is very wordy, descriptive.
Pacing – The paragraphs seem to move along evenly, chronologically, though it doesn’t really ask much from me.
Characters/Characterization – Nice build up of MC and introduction of minor ones.
Point of View/Voice – Good use of 3rd person.
Style – The story unfolds at its own speed, not rushing, personally not my cup of tea, but works for many readers.
Sentence level – Correct grammer, though I felt there were many repetitive syntactic structures.
Dialogue – Real. No problems, no surprises.
Originality – You can definitely write, though perhaps a little tightening up would make your writing more original, closer to your core.
DJC

Cooee,

I appreciate your eye for detail and I appreciate those types of suggestions as much as I enjoy praise - they help me bring the book into focus - as I'm currently doing as I write this. Another major revision is coming, and I have made a list of the little hiccups to correct.

Thanks again!

JC Wickham

Just some comments on the opening.

Firstly, I like your pitch very much and thought the idea intriguing. I think you write rather well and I like the voice of the first section, but did wonder if possibly some things couldn’t be clarified just a little more.

Some thoughts below as I read.

A frantic phone call three hours before and a darkened, rumbling sky led me down that long hallway again, though. -----you don’t need that comma between ‘darkened’ and ‘rumbling’ – nor I feel that ‘though’

the rain or the widow who won’t let me forget those things ----- I don’t think that should be ‘who’ but ‘which’ - that said, the following line ‘and both announced their coming within seconds of one other.’ ----I don’t think makes sense…not sure how the ‘window’ could announce it coming…isn’t it there already?

There’s something she wants from me, and at least she’d been somewhat clear about her intentions; the rain just continues to batter angrily at those panes of glass and howls. ---- I’m not sure it is clear what or who ‘she’ is – who what it has to do with the rain – unless you are trying to use ‘she’ as a metaphor for rain, netherless I don’t feel it is clear what the narrators intention is.

I stare out at it, searching for the outline of one of those strange faces John insisted was there, and I find one staring back at me. ---- be careful of using ‘it’ as you have in that last sentence – it isn’t clear what it is, possibly the rain, but again I’m not sure and am starting to lose faith in the narrator (not author) - in the same paragraph ((((know that it’s her, though, and not one of his phantoms – not his “girl in )))) it also isn’t clear who ‘he’ is or that ‘his’ refer to.

By the end of the first scene I understood (or think I understand) that the girl he is seeing in the rain is the wife of the dead man…so when you are using ‘she’ – but I am wondering than how old this girl is to be wife…so if she is a woman – consider calling her that.

I think this has great potential and will come back to read some more.

Good luck with this.

Dianna,

Thank you for the kind words and the review! I'm glad that the book has kept you engrossed and that you are exactly the audience I wrote it for. I wanted to keep people guessing, be able to see the deeper, underlying themes and stories, and really want to follow Gwenn along her crusade til the end.

As you may have guessed (or read on my bio) this is one of four books, and as such, I promise you'll have some answers at the end of "Girl", but it will leave you with more questions as well. The good news is that the next book is almost ready (30 days out yet), the bad news is that you won't know everything until the last book. I hope I keep you as a loyal reader until then.

Thank you again,

J C Wickham

Justin, This is your promised LF40 review.

I don’t know how I can be objective since having read all the way up to chapter twelve of your book. You have won me over with this incredible tale. There is so much passion and longing within the two, well, really three entwined stories, I can hardly stand to break away. I feel much like the desperate lovers in your book.

You have a gift of tantalizing your audience to read on. Like your characters, the reader is tempted to “go all the way” right now. But this story is one to savor, one to read patiently, because in the end it will be more beautiful and much more meaningful… There is just so much richness to take in.

The Girl in The Rain is a work of art, especially how you have woven these two parallel stories together. The emotion you exuded from the reader is like the best of Nicolas Sparks. And the intrigue and mystery surrounding your cast of characters is almost palpable.

I know without a doubt that the remaining chapters will live up too or surpass the intensity that I experienced in the first twelve chapters. Doesn’t all our writing get even better later on? This is a book that I will definitely read to the end. Just like Gwen I need to find the answers!

Justin, This is most likely my own problem, but at the beginning of the book I had to really work at keeping John Chapel and James Campbell straight in my head. The names are a bit alike.

And then in chapter one, I saw that the point of view still shifts a couple times between James and Gwen - in the paragraph starting, “A smile peeked through the auburn-red hair…” and then in the paragraph starting, “She turned to meet his gaze with sparking amber eyes, the firelight really making them shimmer the way John had described them.” Whose eyes are shimmering here? If they are James Campbell’s that fine, but if they are Gwenn’s, then you have hopped to James point of view and it sounds like you stay in his point of until the paragraph that starts, “Her nostrils flared, trying to pick up his scent.”

Finally a couple misspellings:

Chapter two
Those eyes of hers had always sparkled at him and were a mixture of beautiful blue, like pictured (s) he’d seen…

Chapter three
Check the first paragraph that quotes John. There’s a misspelled word and some of the wording is awkward.

Other than those couple things, I believe you have done a thorough job of editing! I’m bumping up my star rating to six stars! And a promise get The Girl in the Rain on my shelf soon.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

LF40 review

This story just kept me reading! I really want to know what's going to happen - what is at the heart of all this, but at the same time I felt very patient throughout the long (slightly rambling) story of Chapter 3, and 4, that all of it would make sense in the long run. I gave my trust to you as the writer, that you wouldn't let me down. To some extent this also applies in chapters 6 and 7 with John and his mates. A lot of names are introduced and we have to distinguish one from the other. I was also trying to assimilate the many different threads of the story but as I say, I trusted that you would pull them all together for me. And I can see, as Campbell points out, how 'June 15th' relates to the un-named boy story.

I was a bit confused in chapters 3 and 4, in that there seemed to be a dream within a dream. There was one girl and then another one, who knew his name. I wondered if that was some kind of reflection of Gwenn and Melinda.

The opening is mesmeric, there is something about rain on the window that evokes such a feeling of melancholia. I too strain to see those faces in the streaming channels of water.

Very atmospheric when Gwenn arrives, falling on the wet path, being admittted in to the warm, firelit house. I begin to get an idea of how much material we have to get through to find out what is really going on in this book, from the extent of Campbell's and Gwenn's investigations so far. This is definitely a book I will read more of, having only read through to the end of chapter 8 so far.

The characterisation is great, I have a clear impression of Gwenn, Melinda, the children in chapter 2, Melinda's parents, and John's friends in chapters 6 and 7, hence the neccesity for your lengthy accounts.

The dialogue is natural and believable.

One problem I did have through most of the chapters was a confusion in the use of the words 'he' and 'him'. Since you were dealing with a lot of male characters, sometimes you omitted to use names when it would have made it a lot easier to understand who you were referring to.

I noted a few nit picks, and I feel that each chapter needs to be raked through with a fine tooth comb, so to speak, to pull the writing up to as smooth a level as the intricate and intriguing plot.

Here's a sample:

Ch 1 'one in the same' - one and the same
ch 2 the passage about the two funerals was a bit confusing to me. I would like it to be clearer which funeral you were talking about. Similar, for me, to the he and him issue.

I'm not sure a seven and a half year old would have had the sophisticated thoughts about the flowers and the big place taking away from the significance of the small casket, and maybe that being the point.

ch 3 'that safe place among her eyes' not sure about 'among' in the context of eyes.
ch 4 'he waited for a red sun to go down and a black moon to rise as he waited' - cut one of the 'waited'?
ch 6 '...had nearly retired until he was killed...' when he was killed
You mention JD when I think you mean JB
At the end of chapter 6, there's the start of a sentence - ' "I have a journal sitting in the top drawer of my nights...
ch 7 'she noticed and seemed subconscious about it' - self conscious

Having picked at all this I think the story is ingeniously constructed, and look forward to reading more...

Tracey
The last Time We Saw Marion

LF40 Review

The prologue starts in present tense, but paragraph two felt a little confused tense-wise with the introduction of the pluperfect (I’d locked), the perfect (I could) and then the present again (It lingers).

Despite this, it is a spooky, atmospheric read with plenty of intriguing hooks.

Chapter One – a grammatical issue “to either retreat…” and some missing punctuation. Should “One in the same” be “One and the same”?

Otherwise, this is an old fashioned, spooky opening which raises more questions than it answers. Very atmospheric, very descriptive, a bit like an American B movie of the 40s or 50s. I would query whether some of the descriptions are slightly over-written (at least for my taste) and whether you need both a prologue and an opening first chapter like this – it felt like a case of two introductions to me.

Chapter Two – some ongoing issues of missing punctuation. Once again a very descriptive section with lots of raw emotion and credible, childlike responses. I wondered whether you could tighten this up to make it a faster read, but then you would lose out on the descriptions.

Chapter Three – Possible typos: “I did my best to my Mom to let me stay”, “more serious is I didn’t go”. Punctuation is missing or inconsistent. “he knew not how” sounds very antiquated in construction and, for me, stood out like a sore thumb from the rest of the paragraph.

I like the idea of notes of a conversation – it moves things along nicely. The fantasy element is smoothly done, although towards the end of the chapter I felt it was becoming a tad repetitive and could be tightened up a bit. My other observation is that the fantast chapter takes us away from the gothic, spine-tingler of the opening chapters and, it feels, into a different genre (I was reminded of the chronicles of Thomas Covenant). I’m intrigued to know whether fantasy or gothic horror predominates through the rest of the book or whether the text manages to merge them effectively.

Other observations: the dialogue is strong, realistic and effectively moves the plot on while raising more questions than it answers, which is good; the pitches imply that the widow, Gwenn, is the main character of the book, but from the chapters I’ve read both the Professor and John feel more central to the story than her. Dipping into chapters later in the book, it still felt as if John is more central than Gwenn. If that is the case, you might want to reconsider your pitches. I found this an imaginative work with a strong premise and lots of potential, but I feel it still needs a bit of work doing to it to tighten it up and improve the use of language within it, making it agent or publisher ready.


J.S.Watts
Witchlight

A BHCG review

I read five chapters.
Plot – The cover suggests sinister to me. The opening provides an intriguing hook again with a sinister feeling, a nice lead in to the first chapter and Gwenn trying to go into the house. I almost felt a shiver down my own spine at the thought of those 'thousand icy fingers clawing at her.'
Pacing – Nothing is rushed in this story, it unfolds, a little more revealed with each chapter so that the reader tries to unravel the mystery of John Chapel just as Gwenn and Jim do. The room and the drawings, the diary and the recording are effective tools to relay the story without giving stale backdrop or information dumps.
Characters/Characterization: John is mysterious and clearly suffered moments of trauma. Gwenn is driven and confused, Jim seems intrigued and frustrated. I understand that Jim's expertise is history and can see the connection to that and faces from the past that John saw but I Jim also seemed very knowledgeable and psychology which is useful in trying to find a scientific explanation for John's behaviour but I wondered where Jim garnered this knowledge from. I'm intrigued by Melissa and how her actions impacted on John.
Point of View/Voice and Style – you have a well developed tone to your writing that conveys a sense of intrigue and tension but at a pace that suits the story.
Sentence level – polished, crisp and very easy to read. I noticed a few very minor typos:
"Those eyes of hers had always sparkled at him and were a mixture of beautiful blue, like pictured he'd seen of the Mediterranean Sea.' 'she threatened something more serious is I didn't go with my dad.' 'It was either the fifth of sixth time.'
Dialogue: natural, flowed well and felt real
Originality: the concepts feel unique and fresh. I haven't come across the idea of the faces in the rain before and think it is a very effective tool to work on fears which works towards the feel of a thriller with a dark undercurrent.
Publishability: I think this story would appeal to a wide audience.

Thank you Jonie!! I appreciate any feedback, especially from talented writers like yourself.

A BHCG review

Plot: Very intriguing. It is unique and creative, yet fits in a marketable nitch. This book is mysterious like a horror movie, but the relation of rain to the hallucinations makes this story original. Using such a common natural event as rain ensures that everyone who reads this will be able to relate to the plot and picture the story. Well done. I also like the mysterious quality. Information is coming out naturally through the dialogue, yet we are left with questions about John and his "visions," as well as Melinda and her role in these events. This first chapter peeks your reader's curiosity and encourages them to read more. It serves as a wonderful hook. Well done.

Dialogue: Another impressive point. The characters' lines flow very well and are not overly verbose, but also not choppy. I would recommend getting rid of the italicized words. I felt they were distracting, and I think your text is strong enough to speak for itself.

Description: You portray the setting very clearly. Right at the beginning, the rain plays an important role and remains in the background. You also describe the house very effectively, giving us a sense of setting that takes us into the room with the doctor and with Gwenn. I like that John's papers are out on the wall, visible. We can see them at the same time that the readers can, and the pictures lurk in the background throughout the conversation. Very effective.

Style: You have a nice writing style which comes out especially strong in the dialogue. You did switch back and forth between the doctor's point of view, and Gwenn's, which might make it harder for a reader to connect with a single character's viewpoint, but I understand that both character's thoughts are important to the story. Maybe you would be able to rework that, or keep the POV with one character a little longer before switching. Your story is still clear. I did feel that you used the word "though" quite a bit. Maybe it's unnecessary sometimes and could be eliminated.

A good read and a compelling story. Well done. Best of luck with this and thank you for exchanging reads. Hope some of this feedback will be encouraging and helpful.

Jonie

A BHCG Review

I'll start by saying this - your short and long pitches are so effective that I felt like if I were a literary agent I would sign you on the basis of that alone. I got chills down my spine just reading the long pitch. I do not like horror or spooky stories but I was drawn to this plot and to the historical fiction aspect of the story. I am wondering if you have tried to query this, I can't imagine that you won't be successful when you try...I hope the writing stands up to this. Eager to read now.

Plot – The opening is excellent. Your writing is hypnotic. Something about it forces me to read slowly and to listen to every word. The "voice" here is crystal clear, chilling, extremely well wrought. Narrative flow/momentum so far is nearly flawless. The end of chapter one is certainly gripping and forces the reader to read on. What I am a little bit confused about still, on into chapter three is who Dr. Campbell is. You said somewhere that he is not a psychologist but rather a historian? But he seems to act like a psychologist. I was very confused by this.

Pacing – Like I mention below about dialogue - I am a little confused in the conversation that Gwenn and Jim have, feeling like I don't know enough yet to understand all of the nuances of their conversation and fight. The narrativein chapter 3 when John describes his experience (or vision?) in the forest seemed to drag a bit for me.

Characters/Characterization - very strong. Gwenn and Jim are so far, spot on for me in terms of feeling "real" and believable. I could use a tad mit more descpription of what they look like, I'd say. The kids in chapter two are likewise believable and strong.

Point of View/Voice - You are a confident writer. That is clear. And your sentences are strong, clear, concise, your images powerful. You write in such a way that the reader trusts you and feels like they are along for the ride no matter what happens. You know the story and you know where you are taking us and we need to take your hand and trust you. And we do. I'm not really sure how you accomplished that in your prose, but that is how I felt.

Sentence level –

"like a thousand icy fingers clawing at her" - love this

"not all of the groaning and creaking came from the beautiful, old wood floors." - lovely

"winter recently deceased" - this didn't work for me. I found it confusing. I had to read it two or three times.
It is very difficult when writing about something like rain - when you know it's going to play such a key part in your story to constantly find new ways of describing it. One book comes to mind - Kim Edwards "The Lake of Dreams" was a book that struck me and stayed with me because she has so many different ways of describing water and the lake - and each and every one was unique and not cliched. So far, I think, for the most part, you are managine this well. But it is a challenge and you might want to look at every time you mention rain and make sure the metaphor really works in each place and see that you are not repeating yourself etc.


Dialogue - we are drawn immediately into a conflict between Jim and Gwenn, and while I think that your dialogue is realistic, I felt a little out of my depth in the first chapter because there was so much shared history and as their fight became a bit heated I felt that I had trouble following it because I didn't know enough of the backstory to understand why they were so angry at each other so soon.

In chapter two the dialogue between all the children seems fully realized and accurate as far as I can tell. Nothing jarred me there.

Originality - extremely original it seems to me. I have not read much in this genre because I tend to be very influenced by what I read and don't like getting nightmares, but the historical fiction angle drew me in. I have not read anything quite like this. And I can't imagine that an agent or publisher won't think so too.

All in all - this is heady, powerful stuff. I see no reason why this should not be in bookstore shelves. Please message me and tell me that you are querying this because if you aren't you should be.

- Bunderful, author of Master of the Miracles

UPDATE 11/14: Have updated Chapters 1-6. Enjoy!

Ian, Thank you for the thorough and honest review. I've struggled with some of the same things you've pointed out (the short/long pitch as well as chapter 2 - I'm still not in love with it as I should be). "Boy that was lost to the water" refers both to John (as it relates to is gradual disappearance in the water) and Dawson (the boy who actually drowned). I might need to play with the wording a bit to convey this.

Thank you again for giving it your attention.

JC Wickham

Hi JC
You are a wonderful writer, and the story is clearly an engaging mystery. I have very few substantive comments, other than a few minor specifics that I offer below for feedback.
Cover: Excellent, love it.
Short Pitch: Not quite there. A little wishy-washy. “Gwenn is determined to discover the truth about her husband’s death. But will the truth destroy her?”
Long Pitch: First para: I think the first and last sentences only are enough. Like the second para. Third para could be reworded a little.
Chapter 2: Is this really ch 1? The quote is only a quote, isn’t it?
While it’s great to start off with a bang, I felt that this argument/discussion between Gwenn and Campbell was less effective than it might be, because I hadn’t yet got to know the characters. I couldn’t therefore really empathise with Gwenn, as I might have done had I read a scene where her husband was deluded or attacked her or whatever. Just my view, of course.
I also thought this chapter was too long and had so much in it I struggled to grasp it all. Might it be possible to break it up, or simply shorten the discussion to get where you want to get at the end?
“tragedy had struck too close to her own house...” Didn’t it actually strike her house?
Would anyone say “fact-checking”?
Explanation mark fifth para seems out of place.
“the boy that was lost to the water” Does he mean the boy that drowned?
Ch3: Not sure if you are trying to keep the reader in suspense, but it would flow a lot smoother if at the end of Ch2 you used the word drowned, and then at the start of ch 3 you made it clear it that Dawson was the boy who drowned. We sort of know that, and I found it a little distracting actually reading to try and confirm this. I think you want the reader to get more into John’s POV and his relationship with Gwenn Lawson (later Capel).
“bloodcurdling scream” is a cliche. Try to describe it another way perhaps.
These are only minor nitpicks. Overall you have a story that would be a great read in front of a fire on a snowy winter night! All the best with it.
Cheers
Ian

Cariad,

Thank you for your honest critique and for the time you've taken out of your busy schedule to give my book your attention! I'm glad I found the BHG family.

Best,

J C Wickham

Hi. This is a BHG crit. A little shorter than normal because of time constraints) but suffice to say, I shall probably have more to say as I am so keen on this I shall be slowly reading on!

Pitch - worked for me. Poetic, creepy, full of mystery.

Plot - Really think this has a lot going for it. Mysterious, full of hooks and unanswered questions. A lot of elements that a wide sweep of readers will go for.

Pacing - so far (have read 5 chapters) seems good. I might only say that sometimes you could vary it a little, either by a variety of sentence lengths or chapter pace. It goes at a fairly similar pace so far, but I have not read enough really to judge it all through.

Characters/isation - Your characters are belieable and have their own ways. You create a feel for them as individuals with their own stories. They have a depth.

POV/VOICE - Like the voice. If I were to make a comment, perhaps it would be that sometimes the character's 'voices' are a little similar - eg where John and Campbell transcript is - they sound a little similar in their way of talking, word use etc. You could perhaps inject a little more individuality, but it's a minor observation and didn't get in my way to any real extent.

Style - Like it. It reads with a gravity and a poetic quality that is loaded with mystery and foreboding. Just be careful not to overdo - as in the rain 'like a thousand icy fingers' - the tension is more weighty with a light touch, and you have a marvelous way of creating atmosphere already.

Sentence level - a good read, some good vocabulary and use of words.

Dialogue - Works. Believable, realistic, doesn't go overboard but creates an air of suspense.

Overall a fabulous read. As I said, I shall slowly be reading all of this I think. Great sense of mystery, omen and suspense. The start is unsettling - we don't know exactly what is going on - is it real, is it psychological, or...
I love 'My name is Dr. James Campbell, keeper of the 26 ghosts.' As the woman arrives, we go from wondering if the doctor is all there, to wondering about the husband. Is this a tale of madness? Or was there something deep and strange going on. Some evocative lines eg: 'The dead don't speak to men through the rain.' and hints like 'What he was seeing was real.' but we still don't know what we are dealing with, and so turn the pages to find out (as you have me doing.)

I really like this. Have stars and I shall be shelving this when I change over next (oh, my queue!)
Cariad.

Tom,

Thank you for the kind words, and I'm glad you've enjoyed the read! I just rewrote the intro, and I think it sounds a bit "jazzier", so maybe it's a bit more fitting for the tale. I have added your book to my watchlist and I will be backing it as soon as I shuffle my books around, and I will give it a review as well. I like the premise thus far, and how can I say "no" to a fellow Irishman?

Regards,

JC Wickham

Hello J Christopher--

book- The Girl in the rain--

i have read the first four chapters, and normally i scan chunks more,; however this book is so good, i have to read it slowly chapter, to savour one great literary thriller of a read. In fact, i go as far as to say ' one of the better ones on site' , It has to go to the top and i highly recommend it to other readers.
hello J Christopher
book- The girl in the rain-

love the cover. has the creepy touch that is most suited to the story that follows-
love the pitch and that reference to 'John the Butcher; again nice touch. was her husband a killer in the 12 th century. ? just the book to read on this Holloween day and later to night.

Love the eerie opening as the doctor writes his journal, very original. and sets to premise to come very well.
and certainly the story hold up very well in the first four., as you capture the atmosphere so very well., original and absorbing.
i see great potential for this book in it's genre; and have pleasure in giving it my six stars;

good luck and God bless;
tom bye
from hugs to kisses',
some eerie stuff in mine if you oblige and glance- chapters-14-15-17-18- and dark- chapters. 28-39.

Thanks Janny!

I really haven't been able to capture the heart and soul of the story in the three short paragraphs above. After writing a few hundred pages, my most daunting task has been "bottling" and "labeling" the book. I've written and re-written the premise/summary, and I will continue to do so until I'm happy with it.

Dialogue, I think is this book's lifeblood, as well as characters, so I'm glad that they stand out for you. I've heard the Chapel/Campbell confusion before (and there's a good reason for the names), but I do try to alternate throughout with first names or titles as well.

Yes, there is a sequel (four sequels in total) and you really won't get the full story until the very end. Each book peels back a layer of the onion, and this book was probably the hardest to write because it's just the first layer and not even getting to the "good stuff " yet, but I think it will hopefully hold its own.

Thanks so much for the read and your support!! Good people like you will hopefully grab the attention of those people "at the desk"!

JCW

Hi J,

Firstly I should mention that I really like your cover – I know it’s nothing to do with the skill of the writing but it’s really eye catching and if you’re aiming for the desk then it should do its job nicely and attract attention. I love it.

Ok now the short pitch, I get it and I can see the strong premise coming through but it has a bit of a take it or leave it feel at the moment. I want to be hooked straight away.

Long pitch is much better, I get a feel for your writing her but I do wonder if it’s a bit long – sorry for nit picking.

My favourite aspect to this piece is by far the dialogue. You really capture the art of conversation well. Although this is not a genre I read often I’m finding it a pleasure to relate to the characters because their conversation is so believable and easy flowing.
Good pace although so double description which interrupts the otherwise wonderfully snappy flow.

I got a little bit confused between the names Cambell and Chapell – I know they don’t sound alike when you say them out loud but when you see them on a page they appear very similar, I had to read back to know who was being referred to. That’s probably my fault though cause I was reading too quickly.

Overall I think you have a great premise here, so much so that when I read you have a sequel I thought I’d really like to check it out.

Best of luck pushing this one all the way – you’re not too far from the top now

Janny

I've taken down "Hunt for the Deceiver" for the time being, until "Girl" reaches the editor's desk and everyone's had a good look at it. The sequel will be available again shortly! Thanks for your support!

JC W

Thanks Jim!

Hope you enjoy the read. The sequel is coming along nicely, if you find yourself hooked.

JCW

Hi JC,
Loved your synopsis. Looking forward to reading. On my WL for now.

jim

Phil,

I appreciate the time you took to give my book a solid read and honest review. As you probably know, the pitch can sometimes be the most difficult few paragraphs to write, despite churning out 100k+ words for a novel. I've probably worked it and re-worked it a dozen times, and am not 100% with it yet. So, your point of view is very helpful.

I'm glad that you were able to look beyond it to get to the guts of the story and that you were pleased with the flow and characters - I think they're the lifeblood of the novel and if they don't work then I may as well hang it up. With a good editor, I could clean up the rest and make it shine (but I'm hearing from agents now that we're pretty much on our own as far as mechanics go at this point).

Thanks again for your comments, and I hope you get an opportunity (down the road) to take another look!

Good luck with your book

JCW

Hi J,

I’m finally getting a chance to check out your book.

Below are my comments and findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.
Regarding the pitches:

The short pitch is too vague to be much of a draw by itself. “The deceiver” does little for me here, and I’m not sure why “holding the words of the dead” is significant. I think it’s intriguing, but without context, as a short pitch, it doesn’t work very effectively. I realize it’s a saying, but short pitches typically stand alone and aren’t linked directly to the long pitch.

Looking at your long pitch now. I would include the short pitch as the first line of your long pitch (perhaps in quotes) and go with a more active tensed short pitch.

The truth of what? Truth of reality? Humanity?

The second paragraph is very intriguing, but as a pitch, I’d condense it into shorter sentences.
“three months after his death” I’d say John’s death. Otherwise, it sort of sounds like the widow’s the one who died.

Good pitches, though I think they could be condensed a bit more.

Chapter one

Love the journal entry of James Campbell. Fantastic imagery and well placed.

“three hundred” shouldn’t need to be hyphenated.

That said, “fifteen minute” should be hyphenated here.

Two things. First, “auburn” shouldn’t be capitalized. I think your Word auto-complete capitalizes it, because it thinks of it in terms of the place, in which case it would be capitalized. Second, “auburn” means “reddish-brown,” so you don’t have to say “auburn-red.” That’s like saying “reddish-brown-red hair,” which is redundant.
In your dialogue, you insert a lot of ellipses. The ones at the ends of sentences don’t really work, as there is no continuation to what the speaker was saying. Plus, ellipses are generally regarded as being over used. I’d do away with them when possible.

This is great. Truly. I love your voice and imagery. The flow is fantastic. This is polished writing with a great story.

I don’t have shelf space to back it right now, but keep a list of books I intend to give some time on my shelf. I’ll certainly add this, as it’s very worthy. Really one of the better works I’ve read on Authonomy in a while.
Best of luck with this!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Thanks for your comments Su Dan! I hope you get a chance to give it a full spin sometime (I understand you try to get to a lot of books on here). I like your reading list and am a fan of most on that list as well. As soon as I get the opportunity, I'll be looking as SEASONS!

JCW

this is a carefully written piece of writting with good flowing narrative, very good dialogue and a brilliant plot, that makes for a superb book...; six stars...
on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

The new cover works well. Your descriptions are very full and rich, setting the scenes so well. I like the fact that you use smells so often, they are easily over-looked. Perhaps the action is held up at times by the description but overall the pace is good. The mystery is powerfully delivered in a restrained satisfying way. I wondered if John and James and Cambell and Chapell might be too similar (unless there is a reason for this?). 'Your characters are shaping up well and information about them is emerging in a show not tell way. However, the thin smile shrivelled into a sullen frown' didn't quite work for me as they involve different parts of the face. Incidentally, the font seemed a little small for my poor old eyes! Overall, a great mystery story developing here and I am happy to give a high rating and continue to back this well written book.

Thanks for the kind words Brian! Gwenn will certainly be reminiscing over the next 30-some chapters, so you shouldn't be disappointed. Normally, yes, a widow would find other ways to find closure, but John's case is a special one. Given her background as a woman of faith and what she's found in those letters from Merrill Lake, she can't quite lay it to rest just yet.

Regards

JC Wickham

You have a good mystery brewing here. It's interesting that Gwenn is so wrapped up in what happened to her husband. Many people would just assume he had gone mad and not want to dwell on it, so I'm not sure why she wants to pick it up. That's a good reason to keep reading. I'd try to make more use of Gwenn having memories of when her husband was alive, even during conversations, so she is really grieving.

I like the introduction you added to the story.

Well done here, with vivid descriptions and a dark tone. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

10/8 Update! Added new cover art and added the Dr. Campbell introduction back into the story!

Thanks for the watchful eye Mach, but I think you might've been looking at the old version from before? I've since updated the chapters over the past week. (I was looking for these typos and was driving myself crazy trying to find them lol) Appreciate the feedback!

Hello Christopher,
Ch.1
She could find and end to it = an
As crazy as you clam he is = claim
Chapter ends in mid sentence.
By the end of the chapter, I was interested enough to continue this intriguing tale. But, I thought the beginning was rather long-winded and somewhat confusing. I got the impression that Jim was nuts and somewhere along the way I was about to give up.
Ch.2
A boy three years and six inches taller = years older
John rushed grabbed the limp = missing and or comma
Chapter ends in mid sentence.
Ch.3
Now what, where, who and when?
Chapter ends in mid sentence.

It’s hard to assess your work when there are so many incomplete chapters – I don’t know if there’s continuity or not and what is missing? This especially so because each chapter is a separate and apparently disconnected story.
I hope that you will rate and comment on one or more of my books – ‘Accident’ is the one I’d like to promote the most.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

thanks Diana! I have to take one more pass on structure and mechanics, but I appreciate your good eye! I'm glad you're enjoying it!

JC W

Hi J. I just read through chapter 8. I have enjoyed the story so far. You use quite an unusual approach to telling your story -- switching between Gwen and the Doctor's conversation and John's experience. I like it. The whole mysterious dreams are quite intriguing and I do want to know the connection with Melinda. The way you set up the scenes with descriptions are really very wonderful, but I thought it made the chapters run long. I didn't know if it was my anticipation to want some answers, but I found myself wishing I could sift through the chapters more quickly. I believe you have an excellent story going on here and I would like to read to the end -- time permitting. Just a few notes
Chap 2 - I think you can leave out "wetly" in the first sentence And the dialog starting with "As I said" I wasn't sure who was talking. I had to backtrack a bit.
Chap 3 When I started reading this I first thought to myself, wait a minute, I thought John was dead." It wasn't until I read chap 4 that it was clear the doctor (I can't remember his name) was narrarating, which is fine.
Chap 4 This is my favorite chapter. Very intriguing and had a little touch of Gary Paulsen's books.
Chap 5 First sentence "John's" Should this be "John." John's eyes....
Chap 6 missing a word in the sentence beginning "Okay so I'll give you.... but there as many. I think it's missing "are". Check out this sentence too. John knew that had a big heart... And one more. "Uh oh JB is got to get cry if... I also noticed that the point of view shifted a couple times in chap 7 and 8, but because it is supposed to be the doctors rendition of John's story, perhaps an editor will let you get away with this.
I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries. But you have a good thing going and when it hits the editor's desk I want to see your book at it's best. If the next 27 chapters are as good as the first 8, I'm sure it will make it!!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Good morning J. I just read chapter one. Very intriguing, I must say. Your descriptions are rich and the dialogue is excellent. The tone leads the reader into a great sense of mystery. This is all very good. I did notice a couple little slip ups with the point of view. You start out writing in Gwens, and very consistently keep it that way. But there were 2 places where it shifts to the doctor's: When you describe the color of Gwen's eyes in the fire light. Gwen couldn't really know what her eyes looked like. And then another place "resting her head against the high back chair, she looked (felt) very much at home in her husband's chair. That was the only thing that stood out to me - just the slightest imperfection that you might give you a red mark from an editor. Everything else is delightful!! I will read more later, I'm going to be late for church!!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

9/28 UPDATE!!

Revised all of the "Campbell Dialogues" (Chapters 10, 13, 20, 24, 27) and added the revised final five chapters to bring this book to completion. Will be starting the editing process on the follow-up book shortly and posting it here.

9/23 Update: "Girl" has undergone "cell division" and become two books.

Unable to edit the book any further, and not able to get the word count below 210k, I've decided to divide the epic story into two novels. Marketability issues have influenced this move, and if "Girl" is going to find a home beyond Authonomy, it had to be done.

I'll be cleaning up the "jagged edges" over the next few days, repackaging the second half into something more presentable (with a pretty cover, a title, and all the trimmings), and then uploading it here for those readers who've been following the story.

9/14 Update: Uploaded chapters 14-16, word count nearing target. Three chapters to go!

Updated Chapters 10-13, dropping word count below 250k. Presently editing remaining chapters to cut the entire book down below 170k words for marketability purposes. Well on track for that goal, thanks for everyone's support!

Updated Chapters 1 through 8 and deleted "Kings and Made Men - Part 2" for an edit.

Your prose is richly detailed and you paint such vivid images with it. The plot of this historical romance has all the intrigue and suspense needed to hold the reader's interest throughout this enthralling account. Six stars for The Girl in the Rain. It's crafted in a professional style and has a very original and compelling storyline.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Glad you're enjoying it. I believe I just edited that typo, it should read "complimented" - oops. I got the tenative offer from query submissions. (Which I got from an agent list from another member here, so I suppose you could say I got it from here :) )

I've changed the first few chapters and am uploading them here. Are you still reading the original edit with Campbell opening, or the one that goes right to the Gwenn scene?

Oh and Congrats on the offer! did you get it through here or from submitting? :-)

Hey J, just went over what I read again plus some more. Your opening is as strong as I found it last night. You have a real talent for setting the scene, I could picture the room, the wind and the rain at the window.

As she complemented the room – should this be contemplated?

I am enjoying this story unfolding and will comment as I go :-)