I AM IMMORTAL

Your giant font and when you said “I am immortal” made me laugh. I think it’s because I was imagining you say it instead of the character. . . . Or maybe it was meant to be you. :)

I related to Miss Sue from the beginning. Her still having trouble looking for her prince charming. Me, however, my princess slave. :) jk. But I am still looking for the right one and that’s why I related with her. Related with the characters is a good think and makes me want to read more because it will feel like I’m in it (as a girl of course :/ ).

“his eye balls . . .” LOL. I love when writers know how to use certain words that make people laugh. It’s different. Most people would say ‘his eyes’. I’ve used eye balls, too, but then my mother told me it should be taken out. She’s way wrong.

“Shut up Patrick!” comma missing
“Evan you were . . .” comma missing

Your first chapter was such a breeze. It was SO nice to read a first chapter for a change that was simple, short, and exciting to read. 6 stars just for that. Your the first writer that I felt that way about. I hate when authors go on and on in the first chapter. They just don’t understand that it puts off the reader, even if it’s good. The whole point is to make the reader want to read more not less. My shelf is full at the moment but maybe some time in the near future it will find a place.

again great pitch, no boring intro of ponderous characters with dark secrets and all that stuff, just straight up hardcore dream insanity.

I like this very much. A little bit of magic in this writing.

Backed with pleasure
Wcfer

Actually I am a very impatient reader. I read the first three chapters. I loved it. So I could not stop myself from reading the last chapter. I have to say the way you have started your book is brilliant. The way you ended your book is what makes it perfect. I could not stop myself from reading the whole book. Overall your book is great. It deserves to be read and backed. I think you are a awesome writer. Just edit some g-parts.

Interesting premise! I think it has real potential and your dialogue is good, but it could use more description and grammar editing. I was a bit confused at first but I got the general idea of what was going on. A bit of editing and this will make a great read! Backed.

Brittany E.
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Somewhat like kid's imagination

Loved what I read. Six Stars.

Ch 1 Things to consider.

"So, this happened to Tithonus, who desired to be immortal by asking goddess Aurora to give him the boon of immortality," Miss Sue, the first grade's teacher, said to her class when she finished teaching Tithonus.

She was a women..
Should be woman.

Then, she looked at Evan, who was sitting...

"Miss Sue, you taught us about the love story...."

"You fool, it is not a love story. It is a poem and love has not much to do with it," Miss sue said...

"Sorry, Mam."

"Evan, wait!" Eve said, putting her hand on his shoulder as he was walking through the school hallway.

"What, Eve?"
Quite a few missing commas such as this one.

"Yes, she looked like you and also smelled like you!" Evan blushed and said to her.
You don't need a comma after the exclamation point. Think of it as double punctuation, not neccessary. That always helps me.

Please consider reading The Golden Circle, The Magic Telescope, and My Friends are Dead People.

Evigo...I see here a story with good potential that feels more aimed at a YA audience than at Commercial, or Literary Fiction. With only 12,000 words reaching either of the last two markets will require you to increase that count by a factor of eight to ten.

The other thing I see here is that English is not your first language. While there is nothing wrong with that I think that 'I Am Immortal' would probably read more fluently in your native language since as in most cases, there are things that will not translate literally. And that works backwards as well as forwards. See kiwigirl's comments below as an example of constructions that while perfectly understandable are awkward to the ear.

Keep at this Evigo. After all...you are immortal too, particularly if your words live after you. RT

Hello Evigo, I have read the first two chapters and felt that you have a good beginning. There are occasional errors in spellings and tenses, which I feel you might want to give a look as well. I am pointing out a couple of them that I have come across.

First chapter, 2nd para: "She was a woman" instead of "She was a women"

First chapter, 3rd para: In place of "Then she looked at Evan, who was sitting on the fourth bench keeping his left hand on his left cheek, with his elbow on the desk", I feel you can have "Then she looked at Evan who was sitting on the fourth bench with his left hand on his cheek and elbow on the desk". The point I am trying to make is that there are a lot of words that you can avoid to imply the same meaning. You can just say that Evan has his left hand on his cheek and I am sure the reader will assume that it his left cheek.

Anyways, this is just my opinion. You can choose to ignore them if you feel otherwise. You have an interesting and an attractive way of storytelling. I am sure this book will do good, if you make some minor changes to it.

Good Luck :)

Madhu

Hey Evigo,

Yours must be the shortest premise on this site but it effective indeed. It will definitely draw the viewer into reading the book further. And I am no exception. :)

Yogita

I like the premise upon which you've built your novel, but I find the writing a bit 'thin' - sorry, but I really think you have a great story to tell, but it feels like you're rushing it.

If you could slow down the pace, strengthen the characters with more background, this could become a winner.

On my shelf; darn it, there's no room. Never mind, I'll shove 'Amy' off for a bit.

Good luck,
Jendai

Your giant font and when you said “I am immortal” made me laugh. I think it’s because I was imagining you say it instead of the character. . . . Or maybe it was meant to be you. :)

I related to Miss Sue from the beginning. Her still having trouble looking for her prince charming. Me, however, my princess slave. :) jk. But I am still looking for the right one and that’s why I related with her. Related with the characters is a good think and makes me want to read more because it will feel like I’m in it (as a girl of course :/ ).

“his eye balls . . .” LOL. I love when writers know how to use certain words that make people laugh. It’s different. Most people would say ‘his eyes’. I’ve used eye balls, too, but then my mother told me it should be taken out. She’s way wrong.

“Shut up Patrick!” comma missing
“Evan you were . . .” comma missing

Your first chapter was such a breeze. It was SO nice to read a first chapter for a change that was simple, short, and exciting to read. 6 stars just for that. Your the first writer that I felt that way about. I hate when authors go on and on in the first chapter. They just don’t understand that it puts off the reader, even if it’s good. The whole point is to make the reader want to read more not less. My shelf is full at the moment but maybe some time in the near future it will find a place.

again great pitch, no boring intro of ponderous characters with dark secrets and all that stuff, just straight up hardcore dream insanity.

again great pitch, no boring intro of ponderous characters with dark secrets and all that stuff, just straight up hardcore dream insanity.

I like the idea of your story. Your dialogues are lovely. I have read three chapters and I love it. Will return to read more.

I liked this, and would like to put it on my bookshelf and read a bit more. Funny, a bit weird, and funny. Good.

Fran Macilvey, Trapped

Evigo,

First, I would like to say that I agree 100% with what Joshua Jacobs has said in his comments. As such, I won't repeat them, but I will add a few more suggestions that hopefully will help you with your work.

With your dialogue, try reading it out loud, as it is written, ie not as you yourself are hearing it or intending it to sound. Then ask yourself if it sounds realistic. This will help you root out the punctuation issues within it and pinpoint the bits that wouldn't be a part of a real conversation, for example, nobody would refer to the country they live in as 'our country, (name)' because it's a known fact that doesn't need stating.

Intersperse the dialogue with narrative that touches on action and reaction, and use description to add some scene setting between conversations, for example, as they leave the park to look at the stadium you could describe how it looms up as they get closer, describe the road they walk on in relation to the stadium then show some reaction from Eve as to its size, shape, colour etc.

I hope that's been of some use to you, if you've any questions, feel free to message me.

D M Sharples.


EDIT: I cannot say yes or no to your question of whether I liked what I read so far, as either answer would give false impressions. So to elaborate, I see that you have a story in your mind that has the potential to be quite interesting, with characters that appeal particularly to a younger audience, and I like this. Your problem lies in commanding English in such a way as to be able to tell this story in an engaging manner, and, to be blunt, you do not yet have that command. As such, I did not particularly enjoy reading this.
In short then, I like the idea of your story, but not your writing. Do not be disheartened by this, writing is a very complex skill that takes years and years to develop. We are all here on this site to learn and to improve. That should also imply that we are all amateurs here, and as such everything I have said is merely my own opinion. It is entirely your prerogative, as the writer of this work, to choose to ignore me if you want to.

I read your first chapter and I'm already a fan of your work! I think that you have a straightforward idea that will really resonate with readers. I'm not the best at the mechanics of writing so I'm not going to comment on that, but I can tell you that the reader can sense the talent you have for writing. I am going to watch list you and come back for more when I have more time. I look forward to seeing where this story will go. Best of luck with it!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I read your first chapter and I'm already a fan of your work! I think that you have a straightforward idea that will really resonate with readers. I'm not the best at the mechanics of writing so I'm not going to comment on that, but I can tell you that the reader can sense the talent you have for writing. I am going to watch list you and come back for more when I have more time. I look forward to seeing where this story will go. Best of luck with it!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I’m not a professional by any means so these are just my personal observations. I’m really sorry if I point out any editing errors that have already been reported, I don’t read others comments before I read the book as I don’t want to be influenced.

In parts this reads like a play. Lines like this ‘Evan comes running into the house his leg clashes with the door he falls down’
I like the story line you have going here but I’m really sorry, I can’t get past the errors. This needs some serious editing.
It almost reads like English is your second language? I’m sorry if it’s not, no offense intended I promise.
Some of the parts that need changing:
Connected in the Authors note is spelt wrong (you only have one ‘n’)
Frustrated is spelt wrong in the first paragraph
You switch from past to present tense (should be ‘she was in her late twenties and HAD not found her prince charming yet’
You have speech marks after ‘anger showing on her face’ that shouldn’t be there.
“Did Aurora really looked like me” – should be look
“Evan you were not concentrated in the class” – should be concentrating
“Mom, why you went to hospital last month” – this should read something like, “Mom, why did you go into hospital last month?
“Mom I want to see the stadium from in” should be inside
“Do you hear these shouts Eve? From where they are coming” this should read “Where are they coming from”
Your pitch promises a great story and I would be keen to read the rest but I can’t get past the errors for now. Please let me know when you do edit and I will come back.
Tammy

Interesting start. There is always something magical about childrens daydreams. Your format is a little distracting, but that can be fixed easily. Giving high stars. Wishing you lots of luck
Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

I like this very much. A little bit of magic in this writing.

Backed with pleasure
Wcfer

Dear Evigo,
your opening......made me cry - I recently lost.my father suddenly and your writing just struck me.....so beautiful - don't change the grammar - the mistakes are beautiful they add to the character- but when you started explaining the mother's actions you lost me in chapter two- there is no no need to explain - you are doing it beautifully - trust the reader- the image with the boy and the girl watching each other I separate bus windows.,,,,,,unforgettable

You are very talented
But don't imitate trust your voice

I will read more tomorrow
6 stars for now
Best
Kaal

As a general note, I won't be looking at grammar/typos since you're probably already catching them in the editing process. Like others have pointed out, it definitely needs a careful edit.

The premise, the characters, and the storyline are all present, but the main issue I see right now is the need of some narrative. The opening chapter, for example, is all dialogue, and while I deduced they were in the classroom, my imagination struggled to envision the scene. Writing good fiction is about finding a solid balance between dialogue and narrative. You have the dialogue, now work in some of the narrative. Create the scene. Help your reader envision what is taking place. Tap into Evan's thoughts. In the second chapter, when you do have some narrative, it jumps around in tense and feels quite choppy. I recommend reading your work aloud to catch awkward phrasings.

I also felt confused by the dialogue. I'm sure part of my confusion came from not being able to visualize what was taking place, but the conversation about the dream didn't make sense to me. How does the teacher know he was dreaming? And about the girl sitting in front of him? And the boon of immortality? Then out of nowhere the boy in the back brought up his mother. I know you know your story well, but your reader doesn't know what you're thinking. Help them into the story.

I do like Evan and Eve. They are both characterized well through the opening scene. I also like Evan's nickname; though the teacher seems a little over-the-top at times. Can you make her more believable?

This story has a lot of potential, but it does need quite a bit more work before it's ready to be published. I wish you the best with it, and would be happy to revisit it when you make changes.

I like the idea of your book. I found the flow of the story to be a bit choppy, but with a little work I think it could be a great story. Added to my WL.

ur story is about dream and mine is about what happens when u dont follow ur dream
since we think alike
putting u on my watchlist
will shift u soon to shelf
do take some time to take a look at
http://www.authonomy.com/books/36317/a-doctor-rises/
will be of great help to receive ur backing and comments
regards
amit

Actually I am a very impatient reader. I read the first three chapters. I loved it. So I could not stop myself from reading the last chapter. I have to say the way you have started your book is brilliant. The way you ended your book is what makes it perfect. I could not stop myself from reading the whole book. Overall your book is great. It deserves to be read and backed. I think you are a awesome writer. Just edit some g-parts.

Happy Independence Day1

You are a gifted writer with a lot of imagination. You have a way with dialogue delivery and you pack the right emotions in your characters.

But like most writers from India, we need to get the English language correct, both in grammar as well as content. Therefore I suggest you get your book edited by a professional who will take care of the sentence structure and punctuation.

Keep reading a lot....it will help improve the flow and make your book worthy of publication.
I have starred it highly and placed it on my Watchlist.

I hope you will read and comment on my book as well. And probably back it as I see some empty slots on your bookshelf.

All the best and kind regards

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I will soon finish reading the book.

I back Ella Heartstrings comments...

Interesting premise! I think it has real potential and your dialogue is good, but it could use more description and grammar editing. I was a bit confused at first but I got the general idea of what was going on. A bit of editing and this will make a great read! Backed.

Brittany E.
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

I read the first chapter. I liked it. I think you are a good writer. I will be surely reading the next chapters soon.
Be patient. I think you have a good book to share.

I saw your post in the forums and decided to take a look. This reads as that of a young writer who normally does not speak English. English as a Second Language (ESL) writers need to consider getting a second or third edit from non-ESL readers. There are many words used incorrectly. "Common" is something that is a bit average, something that occurs very often and as a normal basis, or is something that two or more things have alike. Three friends who are in the same class have something in common, that class. "Come on" means to come, a physical action. This is something I find occurring often in the beginning and which is quite confusing. Also, misuse of capitalization or missing commas.

Due to the beginning issues with the mechanics, I will stop here as I normally find such stories too hard to pull out the true storyline. It does have a good, moving beginning, not bogged down in infodump, and this should be kept. Get an edit on this and ask others to read again. Be careful of too many short choppy sentences, consecutive sentences which start with the same word -- both break up the flow and make it a slow, boring read. Also, the long pitch should not start with a repeat of the short pitch. I just read it, why do I want to read it again.